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If 21 years old Matthew could warn his 16 year old self he would love to , but he won't. 16 years old him was the best him because he had Hanbin but also the worst him because be HAD Hanbin.
16 years old Matthew and his family have decided to move back to Korea to live with his grandparents , that where he met 17 years old Sung Hanbin who live upstairs , Matthew remembers being happy and over excited to find a friend around his age and how Hanbin have entitled him 'Seokmae'
"What's your name?" A cute smily Sung Hanbin asked "Matthew , Seok Matthew" he answered "Seok...Matt...hew? Seok" Matthew could hear the older struggling so he decided that the government name would be better "or Wooh-"
"SEOKMAE!" Matthew heard the older say "huh?" , "Seokmae is shorter and better , I'll call you that" Matthew just nod at that , if only he knew that the nickname will have forever hurt him maybe he wouldn't have
Days , weeks , months Hanbin and Matthew have become Hanbin and Matthew, Matthew and Hanbin , tied to the butt , two sides of a coin but what goes on behind the four walls of their room , was only known by them. Matthew would call it 'to satisfy our needs' but Hanbin claimed it was his gay awakening but they both agree or force themselves to agree that their relationship/making out was them being fwb
On the weekends they would play basketball, both was bad at it , but Matthew swear he was a bit better than Hanbin , "This one's for you" Hanbin points at Matthew holding the basketball with his other Hanbin "Hyung~, be for real , you can't even shoot" Matthew tease with a smile "no no~ , just look" Then Hanbin shoot ,no threw the ball to the hoop , well it hit the fence which secure the basketball court ,
Matthew laugh "it's ok hyung , you'll get it one day" Hanbin sigh "but you like 'this one's for you and totally miss it' type of person right?" Matthew just laugh "don't worry , you'll learn eventually, maybe you'll endup being a basketball player" Matthew joke , they both laugh, 21 years old Matthew regretted making that joke
Another days , week , months pass Matthew remember that day so clearly , when Hanbin comes out of the closet , Matthew who still believe that he was straight acted supportive at first but he felt uncomfortable, 21 years old gay Matthew wanted to smack the sense out of teen Matthew.
Matthew , decided to end the makeout session they use to have , with the excuse that he thought it was not good , mature teen Hanbin understood the real reason , he knew Matthew, he knew , ofcourse he knew ,he was Hanbin's first love , love might seem like a big word but, no, love was not enough to explain how Hanbin felt for Matthew
Hanbin knew , he knew Matthew was uncomfortable with him , he doesn't like him , and he was straight, but he chose , it was his choice to stay by Matthew's side , he won't dare leave him
Things were ok , atleast Hanbin thought even tho Matthew was shifting little by little out of Hanbin's life , Hanbin would like to think they were ok untill one night , when Matthew and Hanbin went to their friend party
One of Matthew's school friend pull Matthew to the side "You're close to that Hanbin guy right? Hey I heard his gay , he's weird" Matthew frown , those words coming out of his mouth was childish but Matthew was more childish
"Uhh...no? We're not close" Matthew did not even shutter when he lie "huh? Don't lie~" the friend say "no, we were close , but not anymore I'm uncomfortable with him" Matthew answer not rethinking his words or anything
"I knew it, he's a weird guy, let's go we're gonna play spin the bottle-" the friend say and as they turn , he was there , Hanbin was there standing looking at Matthew with teary eyes , Matthew knew Hanbin, in those eyes, still ,he see's no sense of betrayal , just denial
"Seokmae-" Hanbin try to hold Matthew's arm but Matthew shift , Hanbin look at Matthew with sadness "Stop acting like my friend, you disgust me" childish , childish Matthew spoke but he never and will never mean any of his words
Hanbin didn't say anything, he slightly nod and walk out of the party , Matthew should've followed, apologized, beg him to forgive him but no , he did everything but that
He and Matthew didn't talk with eachother but they did see eachother, they live too close to eachother to just not see eachother, Matthew should've talked , apologized and beg for forgiveness but arrogant Matthew did nothing, they act like strangers but Matthew he always turn around to see Hanbin not caring , never looking back , if Hanbin have looked back once maybe things might change but Matthew couldn't, didn't deserve to blame Hanbin in anything, he solely blame himself
One week and 2 days after not talking to Hanbin, the guilt kept pilling up inside Matthew , he get up from his bed with a heavy sigh to go get chicken , his comfort food , he carry the chicken , he kept reminiscing how he and Hanbin would eat chicken every sleepover , on his way back home he saw Hanbin , with someone, a guy, so pretty, Hanbin looked happy , smiling, Matthew felt a pang in his heart , a very heavy one , he can't tell if he was happy to see him happy or sad to see him happily living and he was still sad or guilty to even make him sad in the first place , but one thing he knows , Matthew have been selfish towards Hanbin, he ran home and reflect on everything literally everything and was planning on doing untill his head explode
Another week pass , Hanbin would go home , thinking about why Matthew haven't come to school for a few days and thinking on going to his house to check on him as the mature and loving Hanbin have forgive Matthew for everything, no, he was not angry just sad , he won't dare because he love , no matter what, he love him , but once he get inside his house his mother would give him a letter, he went inside his room to read it ,it wrote
Hi, it's been weeks since we've talked
it's a little awkward to write a letter to
you like this , I've never imagined I will
even have to write it , well I am a coward
who can't even talk to you face to face
I need to say , I'm sorry for everything ,
Sorry for meeting you , being your friend,
using you and hurting you and for that night.
I know I'm unforgivable but I need you to
hear this , you deserve to , you brought
the real me out, before i was childish, I still am.
I thought I was uncomfortable with you
let's be real , but I've just recently found
out I wasn't, I just like you , I like your
Smile , whiskers , voice , everything ,
I was just insecure and arrogant
I know I'm late and sorry for saying
this through a letter , you deserve so
much more , but after reading this you
won't have to suffer seeing me anymore
I know I'm still acting like a coward but
that's who I am , i'll be off to Canada
i'll resume my study there , I need you to
forget me not forgive me , But I don't
think I will , you played a big part in
my life and being the mature one,
thank you and sorry again
Yours sincerely,
Seokmae
Hanbin choke , he ran out immediately to Matthew's place , he knock on the door , Matthew's grandmother opened the door "oh, hanbinnie, are you ok?" She looked at Hanbin with concern "grandma, I need to talk to Matthew"
"oh, Matthew? Didn't he tell you? They left this morning, I was pretty shock you didn't come to say goodbye"
"Oh~,grandma~" Hanbin cried "omg, it's ok, I'm sure he'll be angry at you for crying" Matthew's grandmother hug Hanbin "I never hated him , there's no-one to forgive, stupid stupid, I was wrong, I thought I knew him , If I just had talked to him" Matthew's grandmother sooth Hanbin "I don't know what happened between you two but I'm sure you'll fix it , somehow , someday"
Years later , 21 years old Matthew now have matured , become a dance teacher with her older sister in Canada, he's a new Matthew a new him , who's not embarassed of his sexuality, everything that happened in Korea still makes him feel guilty but he cut off everything, change his number and never talked to any of his old friend but the sad new of his grandfather being admitted to the hospital has to take him back to the old, sad place he was once at
"I'm sure you'll do just fine there , don't think about the past , don't let the guilt eat you" his bestfriend Ricky Shen, the only person who knew about the past try to reassure him , Matthew nod
Korea look a little too different in just a few years , except for that one building, Matthew wanted to cry , the victim mentality kicked in , when he was clearly the antagonist , he's totally aware too
As they went inside the house , Matthew grandmother welcome them with big arms , she was sad and scared for her husband that was a given but she smiled , she always does , after they ate dinner , her grandmother bring Matthew to her room
"Woohyuna , I don't know if it's my right to bring this up nor I know what happened, I think you should search for Hanbinnie" His grandmother says making Matthew's eye widen
"Grandma i-"
"I know it will be difficult but for 3 years every month he would come here searching for you , I always ask him if he wants your number but he would tell me he don't deserve it" Matthew started to tear up , that dramatic ass Hanbin, he should've accepted it
"Grandma i- , i hurt him" he choke on his tears "I- don't, I don't think I can talk to him"
"Did you know , he told me that you never need forgiveness, he was never mad at you for whatever reasons y'all broke apart" After hearing that Matthew cried even harder
"He- I- , no i don't deserve that , that dumb ass" he kept crying and he ended up telling his grandmother how everything happened
The next day Matthew and his family went to the hospital his grandfather was at , he wasn't getting any better , their family lost all hope except for one person, his grandmother , that's when Matthew realise what love is and that Hanbin did not simplily liked him he loved him, how Hanbin didn't even get mad , how he never gave up coming for a whole 3 years ,after that maybe the feelings went away and also how Matthew loved him back then
He went out of the hospital to buy something, he was there , there at the convenient store , he was standing there The Sung Hanbin, he didn't change , except that he have gotten a lot thinner , while he was on the fence on whether he should simplily walk away or gather his courage to talk or atleast apologize , he chose the first one
"Seok Matthew?" Matthew wish he hear that wrong but no he froze as he watch Hanbin walking towards him with the biggest smile
"Grandma , I don't know what to do , he was smiling happily looking at me" Matthew say crying on his grandmother's lap "so, are you're crying because he can still smile at you after all things?" Matthew nod "I don't deserve it"
"He told you to go to his basketball tournament right" Matthew nod "you should go"
"No- i can't, I don't think I can"
"Why is that?" Matthew sit up and look at her grandmother "he was with his boyfriend"
"Woohyuna look-"
"No, the worst thing is that i still love him, it hurts, I thought it went away I thought it was just guilt , no , I thought I left my feelings back then , back in the past , I thought it vanished" He hides his face with his hands
"Sweetheart, love is when you're happy as long as the person is happy , love is when you give up everything for him , and if you love him you'll do that too , be happy because he is , make him happy by doing his possibly his last favour to you"
Matthew with heavy heart went to the basketball tournament, when he look around the court he remembers the times they would play together , he wish he could stop the teen him joking about Hanbin being a basketball player
They all sit down and the game start , Kim Jiwoong, Hanbin's boyfriend was at the front row cheering for Hanbin, Hanbin looked different, the teen him and adult him playing basketball was polar opposites, if he told the teen them that Hanbin would be a good basketballer in the future the teens would have laughed their asses at him
When Hanbin score the penalty, he point out at Kim Jiwoong as he mouthing "that one's for you" , it was a short moment but Matthew did not miss , how could he? , because that use to be him , that was him at first, the first to see his first ever score , his first kiss , his first love , his first ,it was Matthew
How selfish this might sound but Matthew hope , in another universe, there's a happy Matthew and Hanbin together, another version of them , a little less messed up , he hope , wish there was and wish them a happily ever after but in this universe, in HIS universe he was the sad lonely protagonist of an ansty movie , but in Hanbin's universe he was the selfish antagonist or if he was lucky he might the old childhood friend atleast
Any character he might be he was happy to be in Hanbin's universe