Chapter Text
Kristen used to be an animal entrapped in a zoo. Not a cool one – not a lion or monkey or even a zebra – she used to be one of those meerkats behind a glass wall. She would go and perform for those who watched behind the glass. She never saw or understood who was watching her, but she would dance for them gleefully.
Kristen used to be an animal entrapped in a zoo.
Now, Kristen was just a burden.
…
Lately, Kristen had been going to Fabian’s house a concerning amount of times. Although it was normal for the bad kids to hang out with each other, this was to the point where Kristen found Fabian expectantly waiting for her at the end of each school day. He never seemed annoyed at her (a rare sight these days), and always brought an extra helmet just for her.
Typically, when they arrived at his house, they would use his gym; after a couple of hours of ‘grinding’, they would just lay on his living room floor and talk into the night until Fig or Adaine inevitably texted her, asking where she was.
He would then drop Kristen off at Mordred, and Fig would run up to her and ask what gave. When Fig had first asked, Kristen thought it would be hard to lie to Fig, but the excuses seemed to effortlessly roll off her tongue (“I needed to use his gym”, “I needed to discuss campaign plans with him”, “I needed to apologize to him about Second Kristen”). She would then push her way past Fig, past Ragh(who would usually be coming out of Lydia’s room), past Adaine (who would always be happily talking with Jawbone and Sandra Lynn in the kitchen) and go to her room – where she would lay in her bed until Aelwyn called her down for dinner a couple of hours later.
The next day, the cycle would repeat.
…
Kristen used to be the bandage that Bucky always seemed to have on his knee. He used to skin it often and Kristen would always be the one to patch it up. She would sit with him until he calmed down, her hand rubbing around the edges of his wound. She helped keep the blood in and emotions stable.
Kristen used to be the bandage that Bucky always seemed to have on his knee.
Now, Kristen was bleeding herself and she didn’t have anyone to help patch it up.
…
“Kris, you would not believe the day I had!” Fabian was the only one who called Kristen ‘Kris’. He’s the only one allowed to. “Quincy – you remember Quincy, right? – he came back to school today! I knew he was dramatic, but I didn’t think he was a liar!” Fabian handed Kristen her helmet. Yesterday, he had added two stickers to it, making it officially Kristen’s: A purple question mark and a lesbian flag.
“He’s not on your nemesis list, right? I hope you didn’t immediately replace Gertie.” Kristen hopped onto the back of the Hangman – she felt a familiar and comforting rumble as she sat down and wrapped her arms around Fabian.
“No, he’s not; he’s too much of a coward to ever declare me as his nemesis. Also, you and Fig have made it very clear that no one could ever replace Gertie.” Fabian’s voice would have sounded annoyed if not for the laugh that followed.
“Don’t even try. Gertie is amazing and wonderful. We are star crossed lovers – even though I guess you guys aren’t enemies anymore – but still. She is my new muse.” Kristen rested her head on Fabian’s shoulder as she began to talk about how much she liked Gertie.
Fabian didn’t interrupt her. He let her ramble on as they continued to his house.
…
Kristen used to be the newest toy on the market. She didn’t have anything that made her special. She was just a brown teddy bear with no gimmick to her. She was exactly the same as everyone else – exactly the same except for the fact that she was placed on the display case by the store manager with little thought on his part. Kristen used to be adored by everyone because of this; they would constantly look at her through the shop glass.
Kristen used to be the newest toy on the market.
Now Kristen was a teddy bear who was missing an arm and sat on top of a dumpster in the rain.
…
Her knuckles were imprinted with the plastic folding of his punching bag. It was her favorite thing to do during her visits. It felt good to release her anger. To rhythmically hit a heavy bag. To be able to move an immovable object through her own strength. To be able to do something herself. To be able to literally punch her frustration out.
The thought made Kristen burn with embarrassment – anger was the cousin of conviction, not of doubt. She knew that these feelings of anger are never worth it. She knew that if Cassandra saw her right now, she would be looked down upon with disappointment. She knew that nothing productive would come from this punching bag.
And yet, whenever she entered Fabian’s gym, she headed straight for it.
…
Kristen used to be a plant that could grow. She used to be able to grow on her own – through and thanks to the sun’s ‘glorious rays’. She used to be complimented for that; people loved how ‘mature’ and how ‘responsible’ she was with herself and with her brothers. She grew quicker than the plants around her, making her their ‘example’.
Kristen used to be a plant that could grow.
Now, Kristen isn’t sure how she gets out of bed in the morning.
…
“-- And that’s when I was like ‘Quincy??? What are you doing here? I thought you had quit?’” They were lying down on the floor after their workout. Fabian was telling Kristen about Quincy for the fourth time that day – first during lunch, then on the Hangman, then at the gym, and finally now. Not that Kristen minded. Fabian was a fantastic story teller and he changed the story every time he told it – allowing Kristen to get something new out of it each time. “And, get this, he had the audacity to say that it should have been I who quit. The nerve of him! So I stand up straight and, do you know what I told him Kris?” They were lying in opposite directions, but their heads were next to each other. Kristen tried to tilt her hand to Fabian’s side, to actually look upon his face, but her eyes were drawn to the ceiling. It had the most beautiful painting of a pirate family murdering a village Kristen had ever seen. She thinks Bill had it done to look like his family. They looked so happy, she had thought. “I told him that he had some guts to say that to –”
Kristen joined in, her hand lazily copying the grandiose movement of Fabian, “Fabian Aramais Seacaster, the Son of Bill Seacaster!”
“Exactly Kris, you get it.” Kristen could practically hear the edges of his mouth turn up. A light laugh escaped from her.
Kristen’s hand stayed up, and began tracing the family’s smiles on the ceiling. She couldn’t take her eyes off how warm their smiles were, how close their body language was, how happy they were just being together. Kristen knew that Fabian had a lot of issues with his family (there had to be if he was burning his baby clothes in his front lawn). She knew this. She knew this, and so when she felt jealousy begin to pool within herself because of Fabian’s family, bile formed at the bottom of her throat.
She knew that she would never survive a day in the Seacaster family – especially if their family fun time included mass murder of the innocent. She knew this and yet she wanted to be able to reach her hand up to the family displayed on the ceiling – hoping that one of them would reach down and take her with them. That maybe they would make her feel like she actually belonged instead of like she was just some dumb kid that they took pity on.
“You really like that picture, huh?” Kristen turned her head to see that Fabian was staring at her.
“Yeah, it’s really pretty – if you ignore the gore.” Kristen brought her hand down to her chest – shame quickly consuming her mind. It was a dumb thought to think that paintings would make her feel like she belonged. What was she, Anna from Fantasy Frozen?
“I actually think the blood makes the picture. It makes it feel more Seacaster, you know?” Fabian pushed himself off the floor.
“Mmm, you’re so right. That would not be Bill Seacaster if there wasn’t blood within five feet of him.” Kristen made no effort to get up off the floor.
“Kristen,” Fabian shifted so that his face was right about Kristen’s. His words were slow and cautious, “Would the painting have anything to do with why you’ve been hanging out at my house lately?”
…
Kristen used to be loved. She was never really treated with kindness and the love was definitely conditional – but she was loved. The love was coated with guilt tripping and regulations, but she felt like she actually belonged with her parents and with her brothers and with her church. They used to think that she wasn’t a burden, or a screw up, or a mess.
Kristen used to be loved.
Now, Kristen is treated with unconditional kindness, but she isn’t really sure if she is loved.
…
“You think…I want the painting?” Kristen joined Fabian in the up right position. “Hey man, I love you, but I think I get enough of your face during our hang outs. I don’t think I’d be able to handle you staring down at me while I tried to sleep.”
A lazy smile formed on Fabian’s mouth, but his eyebrows remained tight and his eyes concerned. “Please, you would be honored and beyond blessed to have my protection while you slept. I would bring only the best of dreams to you.”
Kristen smiled right back and said, “I don’t think so. So, to answer your question: no, I don’t want your ceiling art.”
“That’s not – no, what I meant was,” Fabian let his eyes drift to the floor as he thought of what to say. “Kristen, I meant to ask you if you were having problems at Mordred. You seem to be avoiding the manor.”
“What?” She felt her breath be cut short.
“Well, that’s at least what everybody’s been thinking. Fig and Adaine are worried. Gorgug was really concerned. Riz was suspicious. Even Sandra Lynn had asked me why you always seemed to be at my house.”
“Wow. I had told Riz to keep my name out of his mouth.” Kristen shook her head in faux hurt. “To think that he and Sandra Lynn think of me as a burden to you. SMH man, you can’t trust anybody.” Kristen grinned at Fabian, trying to crack this suddenly serious face he had put on.
“Kristen.” It didn’t work. Shit.
“Alright, alright. I’ll tell you the real reason.” She leaned towards Fabian, and put a hand to his ear. She remembered how easily the lies left her lips whenever she spoke to Fig lately, and so she repeated, “I’ve been avoiding Kristen 2.”
“What?”
Kristen leaned back, and pretended as if a huge secret had been lifted from her shoulders. “Yeah, she kind of freaks me out tbh. Not only is she straight – what a wild glitch to have occurred in the magic b-t-dubs – but more importantly she shows a disgusting lack of concern about consent. Like I’ve had to apologize to Gorgug so many times about her.”
She expected to look at Fabian and see his faux offended smirk – that he would defend Kristen 2 with the same ferocity that Fig does Gertie or that he would somehow play into her bit as he always did; instead, she saw an expression that she knew deep down would inevitably cross his face (it always did with those Kristen loved) but still hurt her: disappointment.
“You’ve been avoiding Fig and Adaine and Sandra Lynn and Jawbone and Ragh and Lydia,” Fabian began counting the names with his fingers, “and Aelwyn and Zayn and even Edgar because of Kristen 2?”
Kristen tried to let more lies spill from her lips – more small, inconsequential, white lies – but her throat had dried up. Nothing came out and Kristen just looked like a gaping fish. Fabian’s disappointed look kept flashing in front of her and she couldn’t help but imagine how it would look on her other friends. She couldn’t help but imagine how Riz would eventually just snap at her and bury his face in his hands or how Gorgug would one day just stop looking at her or how Fig would realize that she wasn't worth protecting (or how Sandra Lynn already looks at her with disappointment whenever she enters a room or how Jawbone has already given up on trying to understand her or how Tracker already cut her loose as if she were a ball and chain weighing her down).
“Kris,” Fabian’s voice was softer, but Kristen couldn’t bring herself to look at Fabian. She couldn’t.
So, instead, she did what she always ended up doing. She did what she did with Helio, with her parents and her brothers, with Yes!, with Yes?, with Tracker, with Cassandra.
Kristen Applebees ran.