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Luffy was twenty-one years old today.
Ace would forever be twenty.
It wasn't something Luffy liked to think about for too long. But today, when all his friends were gathered to celebrate his birthday, it was the only thing he could think about.
Luffy was alive because Ace gave his life to save him.
Luffy hated him just a little for that.
And he hated himself even more for thinking it.
Luffy sat on Sunny's figurehead, his favorite spot in the entire ship, watching the steady coming and going of the waves under the metallic light of the moon. Nami had once told him that it was the influence of the moon on the earth that caused the tides. Luffy loved the moon, it was pretty and it was visible from everywhere on Earth in the darkness of the night.
(During the three years before he left Dawn, Luffy used to look at the moon, alone in their treehouse, surrounded by memories of his brothers gone to sea. He liked to imagine that Ace did the same on the other side of the globe, that his brother thought of him from time to time, when the night was calm and cold.)
He was far from the heat of the barbecue on which Luffy had watched Sanji cook the meat a few hours earlier, he was far from Ace's fire. Luffy shivered despite the thick fabric around his shoulders. A few minutes earlier, Robin's hands had materialized behind him, placing a jacket on his shoulders. It could have been Sanji’s or Usopp's, Luffy didn't know. They swapped clothes too much to know what was whose originally.
(He stole Ace's clothes all the time when he was little. He loved it when he was finally old enough to wear one of his old t-shirts. Marco had given him the rest of Ace's things before he left for Wano. Sometimes, Luffy slept in Ace’s t-shirts and if he closed his eyes and concentrated hard enough, he could almost imagine that Ace was still next to him.)
Chopper had come to place a plate of food next to him as silently as possible before running off so as not to disturb him. The dish was long cold but Luffy didn't think he would have been able to eat it anyway. He hated wasting, even more so since he met Sanji, but everything tasted like ashes.
(After Sabo's death and the fire at Gray Terminal, Luffy had refused to eat for days. It was Ace who had made the trip to Fushia to find food that didn’t taste of smoke and cold ashes and had, as patiently as possible for him at the time, encouraged Luffy into eating.)
His friends were worried about him, Luffy knew it, he could feel their worry and their desire to come join him. One of them was sitting a few meters below, a bottle of sake in his hand. A silent and vigilant guard, loyal unto death.
“You can come if you want,” Luffy offered, his voice choking with emotion.
Luffy wanted to be alone but he could very well be alone with Zoro. These days, Luffy had trouble remembering the times when Zoro wasn't by his side, it seemed like he had always been there.
“Aye Captain,” Zoro replied as he climbed the ladder.
When he reached the top, Zoro threw something at him and Luffy caught it reflexively, just before it fell over the edge. Luffy opened his hand and recognized one of Nami's tangerines. The bark was rough under his thumb and the bittersweet smell hit his nose. Luffy sent Zoro a questioning look.
“The witch said it was okay,” Zoro answered his silent question with a shrug.
Zoro sat across from Luffy, legs crossed, his bottle of sake between his knees. Zoro was missing one eye but he saw better than most people with two eyes, so when Luffy just twirled the tangerine between his fingers, he added. “Vitamins will be good for you. And we don't know when such an opportunity will present itself, you should take advantage of it,” Zoro concluded with a smirk.
Slowly, and as Nami had taught him, Luffy peeled the tangerine. He split it in two and handed half to Zoro who accepted it without a word. Luffy put the first quarter in his mouth, expecting to find blandness and emptiness but found only sparkle and sunshine. Zoro was right, he needed vitamins.
Once the tangerine was finished, Luffy folded his knees against himself and with his face hidden by the brim of his hat, he confessed in a voice he did not recognize.
“It hurts that he's not here.”
It hurt every day but sometimes it was just a dull ache in the back of his mind, a pain he could easily ignore, especially when his crew was with him. Today he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and he would never be able to breathe normally again. The scar on his chest tugged and Luffy had to pin his hands under his feet to avoid scratching it. Chopper wouldn't be happy otherwise.
“How much?” Zoro asked the same way he would ask ‘ how high?’ .
They were all stubborn individuals, who had spent years or even decades surviving on their own. They weren't used to asking for help, they didn't know how to ask for help. It was Usopp who had the idea, or rather who had adopted the principle he used with his sick mother.
It had started after Arlong Park, after the nightmares that tormented Nami, preventing her from sleeping for days. When it was a five, Usopp would stay with her until she fell asleep holding his hand, when it was a seven, Luffy would stay to sleep with her, assuring her over and over again that she was free.
When it was a ten, Chopper slipped a sleeping pill into the herbal tea Sanji had prepared, offering her the mercy of dreamless sleep.
And then it spread to the entire crew.
When Brook locked himself in his own mind, when Franky's metal prosthetics dug into his flesh and made him suffer torture, when Chopper worked himself to the point of exhaustion, forgetting to take care of himself.
Luffy had never used it, not until Marineford. He was the captain, he didn't want to worry his crew. Asking for help was difficult but surrounded by the right people it became a little easier.
“Eleven,” Luffy replied, tears in his eyes, biting his lips until a metallic taste spread in his mouth.
Luffy never cried, or at least only in the presence of Ace and Sabo. But Sabo was on the other side of the world and Ace was dead .
Luffy heard clothes shuffling and an arm draped itself around his shoulders. Zoro pulled him close and let Luffy rest his head on his shoulder. Luffy curled up on himself, feeling too tired to put on a good face. (He didn't need to put on a good face with Zoro, his first mate knew him better than anyone.) Almost four years after his brother's death, the wound still seemed open. He was tired.
“I miss Ace,” Luffy muttered.
“There is a saying that a man dies a second time when his name is spoken for the last time,” Zoro explained with a solemnity that surprised Luffy. “That's part of why I was so keen to become the Greatest Swordsman, so that no one would forget Kuina's name as long as I'm alive. Ace's name will always be intertwined with yours and your name, oh captain of mine, will resonate in history for centuries.”
“No one will know the real Ace,” Luffy complained.
Luffy knew how History would remember Ace, the cursed son of the First Pirate King and the fallen brother of the Second. No one would know the story of the angry mean boy who learned to be kind and patient for Luffy .
“ You know the real Ace,” said Zoro, pointing at Luffy's heart with his index finger. “Sabo, Marco, his friends and your family, they all know the real Ace. Even us, we saw some of the real Ace in Alabasta, the caring older brother who let you use him as a portable heater, the almost stranger who left the last of his water to Chopper and Usopp who struggled at the back. We saw all that. And we will remember it.”
“Promise?” Luffy asked, holding out his little finger.
Zoro, who had never made a promise lightly and, more importantly, had never broken one, patiently linked his little finger to Luffy's.
"Always," Zoro replied with a bloodthirsty smile.
Footsteps echoed across the deck, familiar and regular, before stopping a few meters from the bow where Luffy and Zoro were sitting.
“Permission to come up there, Captain?” Nami asked softly, her heels in one hand.
Luffy nodded, the movement imperceptible to all except Zoro who gestured to Nami. A few minutes later, Nami was crouched in front of Luffy, a sad and living smile on her face.
“The others are preparing the mattresses so that we can all sleep together on deck, would you like that?” Nami suggested.
Luffy, who had spent countless nights alone after Ace's death on Ruskaina, cold and miserable, longing for the presence of his brothers and friends, nodded, overcome with a warm feeling of gratitude. A wave stronger than the others shook the boat, jostling Nami who was balancing on the tips of her toes. She leaned on Luffy's shoulders, the warmth of her hands spreading along his chilled skin.
(Luffy had learned the hard way how bad cold could be for him, making him vulnerable and breakable, much more so than when it was hot.)
“You're frozen,” Nami noted, rubbing her hands vigorously along Luffy's arms. “Let's go warm you up.”
"Just two more minutes," Luffy insisted as Nami stood up, grabbing the bottom of her dress to slow her down.
Nami sighed but agreed, settling on the other side of Luffy. Luffy was making selfish demands again and Nami agreed with an indulgent and falsely exasperated smile, things were slowly returning to normal. Nami leaned her head on Luffy's shoulder who was still leaning on Zoro. Luffy felt Zoro put his arm around his shoulder and stop at the small of Nami's back.
“If I catch a cold, you'll owe me a hundred thousand berries,” Nami threatened. “You too, Zoro.”
“I didn't do anything,” Zoro choked on his protestations.
Zoro and Nami started bickering and Luffy laughed softly. All this time, they hadn't moved an inch, remaining at Luffy's side unfailingly.
“It's okay, everything is ready,” Usopp called from the deck.
“Come on Luffy,” Nami encouraged him, helping her captain to get up. “I'm sure you'll like it.”
Nami took Luffy down the stairs while she had her hands over his eyes so as not to spoil the surprise. Blinded, Luffy missed a step and dragged Nami into his fall. They landed on Zoro who had gone down before them in a pile of legs and elbows to the ribs.
Sanji rushed towards Nami to help her get up, lamenting that he had not been able to break his fall himself and took the opportunity to step on Zoro's face who had not yet gotten up. Once Nami was up, Sanji stopped dead in front of Luffy, his face soft in a way that only their crew could see.
“Did you eat correctly?” Sanji asked, grabbing Luffy by the jaw to inspect his face.
“I'm not hungry,” Luffy admitted.
Sanji's hand suddenly tightened around Luffy's cheeks but Sanji pulled his hand away just before it hurt Luffy, as if he had been burned. Behind him, Nami who was helping Zoro up also froze, her hand outstretched in the air.
"That won't do at all," Sanji chided. “I'm going to go make you some soup, it's easy to eat.”
Before Luffy could protest or remind Sanji that he didn't like vegetables, Sanji was already in the kitchen.
“Come on Captain, trust the Cook, he knows what he's doing,” Zoro encouraged him.
Nami guided Luffy to the deck, this time paying attention to the obstacles in front of him. Even with his eyes blocked, Luffy could feel the comforting presence of his nakamas around him. When Nami moved her hands to let him see, his friends were in an arc around him. What seemed like all of Sunny's mattresses, pillows, and blankets were spread out on the deck, even Brook's special blanket. They looked like the clouds of the Celestial Islands, only more colorful. Garlands hung a few meters above their heads, lighting the bridge softly, like fireflies in the summer sky.
“What do you think, Luffy-bro? Is there anything else you need?” asked Franky, who had built slides and cannons for Luffy, the second he asked.
Luffy nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. It happened to him sometimes, that his emotions were too strong to express or they were too tiring to even open his mouth. But his nakamas didn't care, they could love each other and prove it to each other in silence. Robin and Usopp had taught everyone sign language and Luffy really liked it. He had created a lot of his own signs though, it was easier this way. And now they had their own language that no one else understood, like spies.
(When Luffy was thirteen and Ace was sixteen, they had created their own language, adding the letter b between each syllable. It made their conversation long and laborious, but at least, and so they thought, they could speak in front of Dadan and Makino without them knowing.)
Speaking of loving silently, Luffy knew one of the best ways to do it. He stretched his arms around his nakamas and pulled them all towards him, laughing. The tightness in his throat was gone and he finally felt like he could breathe normally. Luffy's embrace pulled the crew onto the pile of mattresses and everyone collapsed onto them in a pile. Jinbei was crushing everyone on top but no one moved.
Sanji came out of the kitchen a few minutes later, a tray of steaming bowls in hand. His face took on an expression of terror when Luffy extended an arm towards him.
“Luffy, no! I have food in my hands–”
His protests were cut short when Luffy's arm closed around his waist. The cook flew across the ship, narrowly avoiding the railing, cursing Luffy for three generations and counting. As a testament to his skills, the tray remained perfectly balanced and he placed it on a table without a single drop of spilled soup even though his legs were still shaking. He collapsed next to Franky who patted his arm amusedly.
“I thought I was going to die,” Sanji said, his hand on his chest to catch his breath.
“Amen brother,” replied Usopp from the other side of the pile.
Robin who was lying right next to Luffy muffled her laughter behind her hand, her eyes shining with amusement. Sanji gave her a betrayed look that he quickly forgot when Zoro laughed at the cry he had let out. Brook took the opportunity to get up and distribute bowls of soup to everyone, leaving Sanji to rest.
The smell of the soup and the warmth of the bowl between his fingers was familiar to Luffy, like a childhood memory that you weren't sure if it was a dream or reality. The soup was orange and creamy and Sanji had drawn stars on the surface with sour cream. When Luffy brought the bowl to his mouth, he immediately recognized the soup.
“It's Makino-san's recipe,” explained Sanji who had just sat down next to him. “She gave it to me when we went to Fushia.”
“Thank you Sanji,” replied Luffy. “It's amazing, as always.”
Luffy knew that Sanji took pride in his original recipes but he also knew that even more than his pride as a cook, it was his friends that mattered most to Sanji.
“Anytime,” Sanji said, lighting a cigarette.
(Luffy, Ace and Makino had spent entire rainy afternoons making the ideal recipe that would please Ace and Luffy and encourage them to eat more vegetables. Luffy wondered if Ace had eaten it again after leaving Fushia. Did he remember its particular flavor when he died or had he forgotten everything, replacing this memory with new ones?)
After all, Luffy was starting to forget Ace at times, the exact color of his eyes and the particular way he told a joke. How many pearls were on his necklace? Luffy didn't have time to count them as they scattered across the blood-covered ground of Marineford.
Luffy didn't want to forget.
“Thanks Sanji, it was really good!” Usopp congratulated him with a thumbs up.
“Shut up, I don't want your compliments!” Sanji retorted, but Luffy could see the slight blush on his cheeks.
“Usopp-kun is right, it was delicious,” added Robin.
“My goddess, do you want more soup?” Sanji asked, practically throwing himself at Robin's feet. “Or some nectar to water you. Just say the word and the world is yours.”
Robin laughed again, so freely and beautifully.
(Ace's laughter never sounded like freedom, not really.)
Luffy liked it when his nakamas laughed, it meant they were happy and safe, that he had managed to protect them.
Jinbei walked past everyone, picking up all the bowls and putting them aside to wash the next day. Everyone lay side by side under the stars, huddled together even though mattresses covered the entire deck. The night breeze blew gently on their faces, bringing the sea to them. The breaths of the crew members gradually synchronized and soon, they were breathing as one man.
“Nami?” Luffy whispered in the silence of the night, his eyes fixed on the moon.
The moon was pretty, he hoped that wherever Ace was, he could look at it too.
Nami turned to Luffy, her hand pinned under her head and her eyes glinting with worry in the starlight.
“What’s wrong Luffy?” Nami asked, just as quietly.
There was no point in speaking in a low voice, everyone on deck was awake and would only close their eyes when they were sure that Luffy was asleep and that his sleep was not invaded by nightmares. But something kept Luffy from breaking the peace and comfort that surrounded them.
“I would like to go see Ace's grave,” said Luffy.
“Are you sure?” Nami asked, waiting for confirmation.
“Will you be with me?” Luffy asked, not immediately answering her question.
Luffy had faced Sea Emperors and World Rulers face to face, his crew protecting his back and giving him wings, but alone nonetheless. But he couldn't go visit his brother's eternal resting place without them.
"Of course," Nami replied earnestly, eight voices echoing her wordlessly.
“Yes,” Luffy decided. “It is time.”
Nami slipped her hand into Luffy's and squeezed it in support, Luffy closed his eyes and let himself be carried away by Morpheus, rocked by the waves. Brook began to hum softly, a lullaby that Luffy hadn't heard since he was a child and he knew that Ace was taking up the chorus, watching over him.