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It's not like she isn't trying.
She's continuously exerting herself in order to stay a constant in Lexa's life. After two years of being together, it was almost impossible to walk away without agreeing to be friends.
Their paths were too intertwined, too messy to untangle.
Clarke knew that Octavia and Raven were dividing their time between herself and Lexa, and she couldn't blame them for that.
It wouldn't have been fair to make their friends choose between them, but nothing about their breakup seemed fair.
It wasn't fair that she had to kiss her goodbye, her lips wet with tears.
To have to do it so gently, because it wasn't fair to break her any more than she already had.
---
It's exhausting, avoiding someone she once thought she couldn't live without.
And maybe she can't.
Maybe that's why this is so hard.
---
They were going to cross paths eventually, that was certainly inevitable.
Their reunion came in the form of Raven's birthday, an event they were both expected to attend.
Clarke spent the whole day on edge, insisting that she was just nervous about making sure everything was perfect for Raven.
Octavia and Raven saw right through her, they always did.
---
Lexa had arrived early, walking through the front door into the girl's shared apartment without knocking, like nothing had changed.
Raven spotted her first, yelling out her name in her drunken stupor, before enveloping the girl in a tight hug.
Lexa surveyed the room, her eyes finding Clarke's quickly, the act a habit more than anything else.
She nodded slightly, acknowledging the blonde before making her way over to Octavia and Lincoln.
Clarke spent most of the night sitting on the couch, watching her friends, taking in the events of the party.
She couldn't help but notice that throughout the night, Lincoln firmly held Octavia's hand, or had his hand around her waist, or let his hand rest on her lower back. He was always so gentle with her, making sure that she knew just how he felt about her.
He smiled every time she laughed, every time she used her hands to animatedly tell a story. Lincoln was so in love with her, and Octavia was just as happy as he was. She never stopped smiling when he was around. They hardly ever fought, and if they did it was always settled in a few hours. Lincoln was the calm that Octavia needed. Octavia was the passion that Lincoln needed. They seemed absolutely perfect for each other.
Clarke looked over at Raven, who had spent the last half hour sitting comfortably on Anya's lap, whispering drunken words into her girlfriend's ear, while Anya held onto her securely. Their relationship was unexpected, to say the least, but it had worked well for them. They were both stubborn, quick witted, and so so enamored with each other.
Raven had brought Anya out of her shell, had exposed her to the wonders of life. Anya had been good for Raven, she never let her get away with 'dumb shit', as Anya so kindly put it. Raven was always going to end up with someone who challenged her, and Anya was never one to stand down during a confrontation.
Clarke moved slightly, setting her gaze on Bellamy. Although, he had not been directly spending a lot of time with Echo throughout the night, he would always look over to make sure she was okay, that she was comfortable and happy. They had been together for several years now, and were still so in love.
They'd passed each other several times over the course of the evening, making some sort of contact every time they did. Clarke watched him smile at her, his gaze sticking on her for a few seconds before he returned to his conversation with Wells.
It was weird, Clarke thought, that even after two months of being alone, she'd never felt more lonely than in this moment.
---
The apartment had cleared out at about one in the morning, the party officially ending after Raven had puked in the kitchen sink while Anya held her hair. Lincoln, along with Wells, had stayed back to help clean up, each throwing not so subtle glances Clarke's way as they tidied up.
Clarke was putting the empty cups into a garbage bag, before she saw the boys stop to look at her again.
She gritted her teeth, raising her head slightly to glance at her friends.
"What?" she questioned, moving to collect the rubbish off of the mantle.
Lincoln put his hands up in defense, before continuing to put away the copious amounts of left over alcohol.
Wells sighed, making his way over to Clarke.
"You doing okay?" he inquired, taking the bag from her once she had collected all trash.
"I'm fine" she replied abruptly, inspecting the room for any further mess.
"You didn't really talk to anyone. That's not like you at all" he commented, tying the garbage bag before placing it next to the front door.
She sat on the couch, running her hands nervously on the fabric of her jeans.
"It was hard" she whispered, looking over at Lincoln to make sure he wasn't listening.
Wells sat on the coffee table, mirroring Clarke's position.
"Seeing her?"
"Seeing all of them."
Wells furrowed his eyebrows, obviously confused.
"What do you mean, Clarke?"
Clarke breathed shakily, clenching her fists slightly.
"The couples, I guess. Like, it was always going to be hard seeing her for the first time since, well you know."
Wells nodded, listening intently to his best friend.
"I didn't think it would be so difficult to see my friends be so fucking happy. They're so fucking in love with each other, and here I am wondering where the fuck I went wrong."
Clarke's eyes starting watering slightly, but a few solid blinks and the tears had disappeared almost as soon as they had appeared. She refused to take her anger out on Wells, or any of her friends. She wanted nothing more than for them to be happy. It just seemed so difficult at the moment.
Wells shrugged, placing his hand lightly on top of Clarke's.
"You know what happened. You weren't there anymore. Physically, emotionally. You got too busy for her. I know, I know having your own art exhibition is exciting, and a lot of work. But you neglected her. It was a mistake, but it was one you made over and over. It wasn't fair to her Clar-"
Octavia strolled into the room, stopping when she noticed the sullen blonde.
"You okay babe?" Octavia asked, watching for any signs of distress.
Clarke nodded, smiling brightly, a fake gesture that had been finding its way onto her face since the break up.
Octavia pursed her lips slightly, choosing to ignore the lie. It seemed easier that way.
And without another word, Clarke got up, waving her goodbyes and heading off to bed.
---
Clarke crawled into bed with Octavia early that morning, her cheeks tear stained and her chest aching.
"Oh, Clarke" Octavia mumbled, pulling the girl into her, kissing the side of her head gently.
Clarke refused to let herself think about how the brunette felt nothing like Lexa.
---
The next time they saw each other, it was just for lunch with the girls. Raven sat next to Anya, her head resting on her girlfriend's shoulder. Across from them sat Lexa and Octavia, while Clarke sat at the end of the table.
Raven was telling the girls about one of the "asshole" customers she had gotten in the shop that day, before Octavia started laughing.
Everyone turned to look at the brunette, who had tried to stop giggling, urging Raven to continue.
"Sorry, I just remembered what happened the last time we were out to lunch together" Octavia explained, much to the confusion of everybody else at the table.
Clarke tilted her head to the side, trying to remember the last time they were all together. It had been well before the break up, before Clarke had started setting up for her exhibition. She furrowed her eyebrows, an immense feeling of guilt washing over her. Had it really been that long?
It had suddenly clicked to Raven, who tapped her hands repeatedly on the table upon remembering.
"Shit, that was the best lunch we've ever had. So worth pissing that homophobic bitch off."
"She was blatantly staring at all of us, muttering about dykes ruining her neighborhood." Raven explained, as though none of them were actually present that day.
"And then Clarke made out with Lexa right in front of her, it was the best thing ever." Octavia continued, jumping in her seat excitedly.
Anya looked over at Clarke, who had visibly deflated at the conversation topic. Lexa sat rigidly in her chair, but her facial expression hadn't changed.
Clarke put her napkin on her plate, excusing herself quietly before making her way to the bathroom.
---
Clarke leaned forward, her hands clenching around the edge of the sink. She tried to control her breathing, blinking continuously in order to keep her tears at bay.
She heard the bathroom door open, and turned to face away from the door as so not to be silently judged by strangers.
"You okay, Clarke?"
She sighed, turning to face the brunette.
"Yeah, I just had to pee." she commented, trying to get up the courage to look into Lexa's eyes.
"You've never been a good liar Clarke, especially not when you're trying to lie to me."
Clarke sighed, leaning into the sink slightly.
"What do you want me to say?"
The brunette shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Why did you follow me in here?"
Lexa shrugged again, looking down at the ground.
"We said we'd try and be friends. I just, wanted to try and honor that. Friends help each other right?"
Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, breathing audibly. It was only fair, that she try and uphold that agreement. She wanted to do something right by Lexa.
"You're right. I'm okay, I'm just tired, you know? I haven't been sleeping much lately."
Lexa nodded, she definitely understood. An array silence crowded the room.
"And you, are you okay?" the blonde questioned, her eyes running over the girls tense form.
"Honestly? I think so. I mean, it's been quite a few months now, almost 6 right?"
5 months, 22 days. Not that Clarke had noticed.
Clarke nodded, a confirmation.
Lexa took a step forward, an outstretched hand pointed Clarke's way.
"Friends?"
Clarke reached out, hand finding Lexa's.
"Of course."
---
And that's how it started.
Or, ended?
All of a sudden, they didn't have to avoid each other.
They actually didn't need to think about whether or not the other would be present at an event.
They could talk, like really talk, about things that mattered.
It was honestly like nothing had changed, well minus the affection, the sex, the actual relationship.
And Clarke could handle that.
She had promised to try and be Lexa's friend.
Better to have her in her life this way, than to not have her at all.
Right?
---
To be honest, Clarke thinks she knew before Lexa had decided to tell her.
She was on her phone more than she usually was, often smiling at the device in her palm.
She seemed lighter, elated. Much like she used to be.
Clarke was content, because Lexa was happy.
That was, until the brunette had nonchalantly told Clarke that she was interested in a girl she worked with.
It wasn't fair, Clarke thought, to have your heart broken again by the person you weren't even with anymore.
---
Clarke sat with Lexa in the living room, both girls settling in for a night of bad horror movies and cheap take-out.
It seemed like nothing had changed.
Except the space between them. Not that Clarke had noticed.
Lexa cleared her throat, putting her container down, and turning to face Clarke.
"I need your opinion on something."
Clarke swallowed, mirroring Lexa's position.
"Everything okay?"
Lexa hesitated slightly, before a small smile appeared on her face.
"I want to ask out Costia. But, you know, I've never asked anyone out before."
Clarke nodded. She'd asked Lexa out, she'd kissed her first. She'd done everything, really.
"I need your advice, Clarke. How do I - I mean, without making a fool out of myself, you know?"
Clarke furrowed her eyebrows, looking at Lexa. She'd never seen her so nervous, not since their first date, or their firs-
Friends. Friends. Friends
"I uh- I'm not sure. What does she like?"
"She loves history. Documentaries, coffee. All those sorts of things."
Clarke gulped audibly. "Maybe ask her to go to the museum with you."
"I don't think location is an issue, Clarke. I just need to know how to ask without stumbling or looking like an uneducated fool. I really like her, she's just so-"
"No, no okay? This isn't fair Lexa. Two years Lexa. We were together for two years, and you're asking me for dating advice?"
Lexa froze, mouth opened slightly, shocked at Clarke's sudden outburst.
"We, we're friends Clarke. I just wanted-"
"I get it, you and I are just friends now, but I can't, I can not sit here and help you ask out someone else. It's killing me. I still love you and you don't even - you don't." she mumbled, words faltering towards the end.
Clarke's cheeks had turned a flustered red, tears silently running down the crimson skin.
Lexa shook her head, anger bubbling under the surface.
"You have no right to say that to me. Do you have any idea how much I loved you? You were so selfish, so-"
The front door swung open, causing Lexa to halt her words as Raven entered with a few bags of groceries. She stopped cautiously, eyeing the scene in front of her.
Clarke's tears, Lexa's anger.
A flash of blonde hair ran past her, the door slamming as she entered her bedroom, leaving a confused Raven and solemn Lexa alone together.
"You okay, Lex?"
Lexa nodded, standing up to help Raven carry the bags.
Raven started putting away everything, as Lexa watched, leaning on the counter, arms wrapped around herself.
"She still loves me."
Raven leaned down to put the vegetables in the fridge.
"You can't tell me you didn't know that." she stated, never looking Lexa's way.
"I didn't-"
"You know everything about Clarke. If I know, and if Octavia knows, fuck if even Anya knows, then you definitely know."
Lexa sighed, biting her lip gently.
"It's not fair." she whispered, shaking her head slightly.
"Break-ups never are."
---
Lexa asked Costia out on a Thursday.
Costia asked Lexa to be her girlfriend on a Monday.
---
It's not like she wasn't trying.
It seemed like that's all she ever did anymore.
Trying to move on. Trying to be happy for Lexa. Trying to get rid of that constant ache in her chest.
Trying to act like she wasn't hurting. Trying to pretend that she wasn't still in love with her friend.
Trying to ignore the diamond ring on Lexa's finger.
---
Lexa got married on a Saturday.
Sometimes, it just wasn't fair.