Work Text:
It’s been 3 weeks, I missed seeing your face for an hour more 3 days a week.
It hurt leaving when I haven’t seen you yet.
It hurt knowing you hadn't clocked in yet.
I was there left wondering, was it because of me? Or was it because you fell ill?
Or was it both..?
It hurt my heart and brain. I knew the answer, but I asked myself “what if?” too many times.
-- 1:00pm,,
I make it just in time.
I look at your desk from afar and I don’t see your face.
I expected it.
I sigh, carefully placing my bag down. But the heaviness I felt didn't leave me.
-- 1:13pm,,
I’m bored. I’m confused. I don’t understand the solution to this problem right now. To both of these problems.
I wish you were here right now. If not, I wish at least April was here.
And as if the Gods answered me, you walked through the door unexpectedly.
I stare shocked, you seem like you aren't acknowledging me.
I poke you playfully in hopes to get your attention.
You don’t even look in my direction.
As you walked away, it hurt. But what else did I expect?
Turn to me and smile?
Maybe. But it’s fine.
-- 1:25pm,,
I don’t wanna be here anymore.
I don’t wanna stop seeing your face though.
I notice you never turned your head to look at me. It’s like you never noticed me sitting right next to the door.
More heaviness fills me when I remember you said sorry the last time you ignored me like this.
I thought you really meant it.
-- 1:29pm,,
I thought I saw you barely look at my direction.
I must be imagining it.
I turn back to the time and my worksheet.
I dread the 31 more minutes I have to endure.
-- 1:59pm,,
I obsessively check the clock on the wall,
then I let my eyes drift to where you stood, standing next to the teacher’s desk.
I smile a little. It doesn't last long until it fades.
-- 2:05pm,,
I must’ve lost track of time by 1:59. The questions got easier and I answered them in a breeze.
I’m still not finished with my worksheet though, so I hesitate asking Miss to leave early.
-- 2:06pm,,
I finally tell Miss that I’m just going to continue it at home. She smiles and understands me.
I pick up my bag, the weight kinda kills me.
I walk out the door, waving goodbye.
I accidentally close the door a little louder than I wanted to.
Embarrassment fills me.
-- 2:07pm,,
I walk to my mom in the waiting area.
And just when I ask her, “Let's go?” I hear the door creak behind me and it doesn't take me more than a second to look behind and realize it's you to make my breath hitch.
My hands shake and my breathing's uneasy as I walk out the door, clutching onto my mother's arm.
As we slowly walk in our usual pace, I become way too aware of the sound of my heels clacking against the cement floor, echoes bouncing off the quiet stairway walls.
I know you're trailing behind. Perhaps not even looking at us, but focusing on the ground. But I wanted so desperately to look behind me for just a second, to see if you look just as miserable as the me hidden away in the corner where my heart and mind connect.
But I resisted.
When we reached the parking lot, I turn around just enough to see you disappear through a shortcut to the back of the building and my heart sinks a little bit more seeing you walk away once again.
I almost forget you once took the time to at least linger for a second or two before saying bye.
-- 2:10pm,,
Me and my mom finally reach the car.
When we buckled our seatbelts, she strikes up the usual question, “ Where do we eat? “
I say force a smile and say, “ The usual. “ Before turning away to prop my elbow on the window with my chin in my palm, watching the cars outside while waiting for the traffic light to turn green as I fight back tears.
Knowing your traffic light won't ever turn green again.