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Noah Jude Shipman has exactly ten little toes and ten little fingers. His hair is the kind of pale blonde that will darken over time and it’s long and full even though he’s a baby. His eyes are a murky sort of grey-blue that could turn the donor’s blue or Jackie’s hazel. She hopes they turn hazel.
Jackie keeps counting each of his toes, pressing her lips to his soft cheeks and running a thumb along his miniscule fingernails. Jackie can’t believe she made this little guy. Like, she let him cook or whatever in her belly and popped him out. Even though the experience was hell, from the morning sickness to the pain and the ache in her body and— The list goes on, Jackie would do it all again for this little boy.
And even though the experience was hell, she had Shauna by her side. Shauna, who bought all of Jackie’s obscure cravings without a second thought, even if it was the middle of the night. Shauna, who massaged feeling back into Jackie’s calves when they got numb, often enough that it’s become habitual even now. Shauna, who let Jackie crush her hand as she gave birth to their son. (Genuinely crush it. Jackie had seen the nurses icing Shauna’s purpling hand when she thought Jackie was asleep.)
When the pair of them had decided that they were going to have a family, Shauna had suggested that she carry because she’d already done it once. That was kind of why Jackie didn’t want Shauna to do it— in case she got triggered or something because her last experience of being pregnant was out in the middle of nowhere starving and afraid and dying. Jackie doesn’t want her to think about that at all, and okay, fine, maybe Jackie just wanted to do it.
When Noah was born, far too early, they had to whisk him away to check up on him because he was so little. They had to take Jackie away too, because something wasn’t going quite right. Jackie had been so scared, but Shauna had kissed her teary eyed and loving, even though Jackie tasted like salt and sweat and looked like shit, Shauna had kissed her and swore everything would be okay and now it is.
Noah is nearer to two months old than one. Because he was born premature, he’s a little smaller than he maybe should be, but their doctors aren’t that concerned anymore. It’s fine though, because he is here and Jackie is here and Shauna is here and she is so unbelievably happy.
How could she not be, with Shauna snoring softly at her bedside and their son, with his grey-blue eyes and blonde hair in her arms?
It’s always been Jackie-and-Shauna, Shauna-and-Jackie. Noah’s here too now.
Shauna and Noah are the best things in her life. The fact that Shauna loves Noah is indisputable. But, she never holds him for too long, and Jackie might be offended if she didn’t know why — Shauna keeps bursting into tears every time she holds him.
Shauna cries so much to the point where Noah is set off too, and she has to give him back to Jackie and compose herself, before snuggling into Jackie’s side all puffy-eyed and sniffling. She rests her chin on Jackie’s shoulder and plays with Noah’s eensy-weensy feet.
Shauna’s never been a crier. For as long as Jackie has known her, a crying Shipman is a rarer sight than a violent Jackie. Not unheard of, but rare. Before the Wilderness, she used to get flustered every time Shauna would cry, wrapping her up in a hug and murmuring soft words that meant nothing in her hair. The pair of them had cried a lot out there, so Jackie’s admittedly better at it now. But even so, Jackie’s girlfriend has never been one to show her feelings so easily.
Jackie supposes it’s because Shauna’s been so overworked and overtired recently, and is just overwhelmed with emotion.
Besides, it’s not like Shauna hasn’t been helping out — she still changes his diaper (more so than Jackie does, actually) and as the lighter sleeper, and also because she insists Jackie needs her rest, even though it’s been a month since Jackie gave birth, she’s usually the one to wake up at odd hours to rock his bassinet when he cries.
Jackie just wishes Shauna would hold Noah for reasons that are entirely selfish — she’s sure the sight would send her to an early grave. She can see it now, emblazoned on her headstone.
Here lies Jackie Taylor, mother, friend and Shauna’s. Feeble heart gave out at the sight of her babies together.
And there’s also the fact that Noah adores Shauna. Like, a huge gummy grin — or his baby approximation of one will appear on his face whenever Shauna’s in his vicinity. He’ll start cooing and making all sorts of noises he’s probably a little too young to do, but Shauna’s always been leagues ahead of everyone in intelligence, and why should her son be any different?
If Noah is crying and won’t stop despite Jackie’s best efforts, she simply huffs and marches over to Shauna, squishing his face up to Shauna’s with an ecstatic grin and watching as Noah stops crying and falls asleep in Shauna’s lap instantaneously.
Jackie might be jealous that Noah loves Shauna so much if it wasn’t the first thing they had in common — she can’t wait for their baby to grow up so she can see what else they share. Jackie prays he likes soccer.
Shauna nuzzles closer to Jackie in her sleep, her cheek rubbing across the freshly washed sheets to make a soft shushing sound. Jackie runs a hand through Shauna’s hair.
At the action, Shauna mumbles something before waking up, peering up at her with her huge brown eyes that she loves so much.
“Hi.” Jackie grins, nestling Noah closer to her chest so she can get a better view of her.
Shauna smiles, charmed. “Hey.”
Shauna sits up slightly to press a kiss to Jackie’s temple, and then lowering her head slightly to drop one on Noah’s head too. Shauna lingers there for a second, nudging Noah’s temple with her nose. Noah titters happily, which makes Shauna smile. Jackie cocks her head to the side.
“Want to hold him?” Jackie asks. Shauna looks at her with wide eyes.
“What if I cry?” Shauna says, horrified. Jackie erupts into a fit of giggles at Shauna’s genuine distress. Shauna huffs, a little riled up. “Jax. It’s not funny.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Just— It’s okay if you cry.” Jackie says. Shauna shakes her head, hopping up onto the bed and settling in, chin propped on Jackie’s shoulder and arms around her waist.
“It’s not. I can't just cry every time he’s in my arms. He’s gonna think I hate him.” Shauna brushes her pinky down his nose.
“Shaun. He does not think you hate him. He loves you.” Jackie laughs. Shauna presses her lips to Jackie’s shoulder and doesn’t move. “Just— Why do you think you keep crying?”
“I just—“ Shauna twists to rest her forehead on Jackie’s shoulder instead, freeing her lips to speak. “I love him so much.”
Jackie smiles softly. “I know, baby.”
“I’m scared.” Shauna admits. “What if he doesn’t like me?”
“Shauna, he’s obsessed with you.”
“I know but like— what if I spend time with him and he realises he doesn’t like me?” Shauna mumbles. “What if he knows that I’m…”
“The most awesomest mom he could ever ask for?” Jackie finishes for her. Shauna grins against her skin.
“He has you for that, babe.” Shauna smirks. There’s a pause then. The kind of lull in conversation that comes before a confession of real levity comes out. “I think a part of me feels guilty about— Um. Out there. The baby.”
Jackie’s heart sinks.
The baby boy out there had come into this world silent where Noah had come out crying. Jackie hadn’t first realised Noah was smaller than he should be, because the first baby had been so tiny. Jackie had mourned him longer than she’d ever known him — not that she ever had the opportunity to know him. They buried him in a bundle of bear pelt and the clothes Jackie had made in foolish hope.
“It feels like I’m— I don’t know. Replacing him, maybe?” Shauna explains. “I'm not. But Noah is— He’s here and he’s alive and that baby isn’t. I feel like I don't have the right to love Noah when I never got to love him. And—“ Shauna swallows, “And after what— What happened to Javi.”
Shauna and Javi’s relationship was something that Jackie had never had with another kid. Shauna took care of him when his brother was too busy being misogynistic and getting fucked, Shauna held him as he cried in front of his fathers limp body and Shauna peeled the skin off his frozen corpse.
Jackie shakes her head quickly, feeling tears prick her eyes immediately. What they did to Javi— It’s unspeakable. They don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about anything that went down out there because if they did— Jackie doesn’t know how they’d make it.
She doesn’t regret it though.
Call her selfish, but if all those lives meant Shauna stays alive and warm in her arms, then she’d gladly kill another dozen.
“How can I be allowed to love this baby boy when I’m responsible for killing my last two?” Shauna says so quietly that it’s almost like Jackie never heard it at all. Jackie sort of wishes she never did, wishes that there’s a world where Shauna never has to sound so heartbroken.
Jackie knows that in every universe they are together and intertwined, but some are probably better off than others.
“Shauna.” Jackie twists to look Shauna in the eye, but Shauna hides. Shauna’s a bit of a hypocrite. She always begs Jackie to look her in the eye when Jackie is fucking her, always clutching her jaw between her hands to force the eye contact when she’s finishing. When it comes to things like this, she can never seem to meet her gaze. “What happened out there was not your fault. Don’t you dare put that on yourself.”
“…I called him Shiloh, you know.” Shauna says in lieu of a response. “Not out loud. Just in my head.”
Jackie’s head spins with grief for a boy she never knew. “What does it mean?”
“It’s Hebrew. It’s what my mom wanted to name me when she thought I would be a boy. My dad thought it was too Jewy — you know how he is. It means ‘God’s gift’. Or ‘peaceful one.’” Shauna murmurs like she might not be entirely present. “His middle name was going to be Jack.” she finishes in a whisper.
Jackie feels like she might cry. She feels a dull ache in her chest and she latently thinks it might be her actual heart hurting. She holds Noah closer to her chest like he might be able to heal it.
“He shouldn’t have died. He was just a baby. He didn’t even get to know his name. I'm just—“ Shauna trails off. “And what came after him—“
“Shauna. We— We did something horrible. But it helped us survive. We can’t spend the rest of our lives regretting it. Then their lives amount to—“ Jackie doesn’t finish her sentence.
Her shoulder is warm and wet where Shauna’s face is pressed against it. “Who do I blame? Who am I supposed to blame, Jackie? I was the one holding the knife.”
“And I was right by your side.” Jackie cuts off. She rubs her thumbs along Noah’s full cheeks. “I held your hand, Shauna. I gathered the meat. Hell, I force-fed you it when you were too sick to eat it yourself.”
Shauna scoffs. “What, you want me to blame you?”
“If it makes you feel better.” Jackie says, immediately. “Blame me. Put it all on me. And you can take it all back when you want.”
“I can’t do that to you.” Shauna nuzzles her neck.
“No,” Jackie concludes, “We’ll just shoulder it together.”
Shauna kisses the same spot on Jackie's neck. “Together.” She agrees.
“We can’t change the past. But you don’t need to punish yourself forever. Noah deserves his mama too.” Jackie says, tucking their son closer to her neck so that he’s touching Shauna too. Noah clutches onto Shauna’s hair because, like Jackie, he’s always had a particular affinity for it. He doesn’t quite know how to let go of it yet, so Shauna has to gently unfurl his fingers so he can let go.
“I’ll hold him.” Shauna says abruptly. “I want to hold him.”
Jackie grins, shifting back onto their huge, plush bed that Jackie insisted they get when Shauna’s zayde left them this home. She settles Noah into Shauna’s arms and Noah makes the happy soft noises he only makes with Shauna. He makes a different kind of noise with Jackie — a low gurgling sound that reminds Jackie the way Shauna purrs without realising it. When he’s with Shauna, they’re more high pitched cooing noises.
Shauna accepts him and bites into her cheek, her pink bottom lip trembling so furiously Jackie wants to take it between her lips just to steady them. Her eyelashes are stuck together with tears and glassy like she’s barely holding back tears. Jackie’s face twists in a that’s so cute face, biting back her mounting smile.
Noah shuffles and settles into Shauna’s arms like he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, curling up so entirely that he just seems to slot into her neck.
“He’s so—“ Shauna’s voice cracks and she huffs out a laugh, “He’s so small.”
Jackie grins, shuffling closer and settling her chin on Shauna’s shoulder, assuming the familiar position that they have so many times since Noah’s birth but in reverse. “He’ll grow.”
“I don’t think I was ever this small.” Shauna jokes, her voice still unsteady but there’s a titter of laughter in her words that soothes Jackie’s soul. “I can’t imagine that.”
“I can.” Jackie kisses Shauna’s damp cheek as she sniffles, tasting the salt of her tears. “You were the tiniest baby ever you know? A little peanut.”
“We met when we were four.” Shauna points out.
“I’d like to think we were soul-tied before then.” Jackie shrugs. “Besides, Deb loved showing me your photos.”
Shauna rolls her eyes. “More like you and mom showed everyone else my photos. You loved embarrassing me with them.”
“Well it’s the only proof I have that I used to be the tall one. You were, like, a whole head and a bit shorter than me.”
“Yeah, in kindergarten. Besides, I’m younger than you.”
Jackie pokes her tongue in Shauna’s ear. “My point still stands.”
Shauna squirms and laughs, the sound slightly thick with tears. She jostles Noah at the same time. She supports his neck carefully as she pulls back to rock him.
“He’s so pretty.” Shauna sighs. “He looks like you.”
Jackie laughs and boops Noah’s nose, and then boops Shauna’s too. “He’s a baby. I don’t think he looks like anything yet.”
Shauna cocks her head to the side like she’s trying to get a better angle of him. “No. No, he’s all you, Jax.”
“He’s as smart as you.” Jackie dips her head down to kiss Shauna’s shoulder. “He sure as hell didn’t inherit those brains from me. Kid’s gonna grow up and change the world.”
Shauna grins brightly, her eyes still glistening, but they sparkle with a new light. “Fuck yeah.” Shauna stares down at him to whisper, looking the softest Jackie’s ever seen her look at anyone other than Jackie. “Give ‘em Hell, bug.”
Jackie leans back to breathe in the sight of Shauna-and-Noah. Shauna’s hair is sticking up in a million different angles, her nose and cheeks turned pink and splotchy. Her damp eyelashes fan down like curtains for her stupidly gorgeous eyes, red rimmed and brown, brown, brown. There’s tears dripping down her cheeks and deep purple bags under her eyes like bruises and she’s pretty sure that there’s dried baby vomit on her flannel collar. Noah is nuzzling into her neck and has soiled his diaper and is drooling onto Shauna’s shoulder.
Jackie has never seen a more beautiful sight.
There’s always been Jackie-and-Shauna, and there have been a couple times when both of them were scared there’d be no one at all, but now it’s Jackie-and-Shauna-and-Noah, and the world is going to regret ever hurting them.
Shauna leans down to touch her nose to his squishy head and inhale Noah’s soft baby smell. “Jax?”
“Yeah, Shauna?” Jackie pushes the hair out of Shauna’s face to see those full rosy cheeks she’s always adored.
“Can we have another one?”
Jackie chuckles, pressing a kiss to Shauna’s temple. “I think we can arrange that.”
(They do arrange it, by the way. Not for another year or so, but it happens. Noah Jude Shipman’s sister, Callie Jack Shipman is born on a hot summer's day when the sun stays high and the days bleed into one. Noah keeps calling her Kitty. It sticks.)