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No matter how many blankets and pillows the floor of the van had to offer, it was still the floor of a van and Turo could not find comfort in any position. If he moved too much, he’d wake the others, but he could not help himself from rolling and shifting every few minutes.
Several hours passed this way, and it seemed someone else was awake as he heard the van door quietly open. Curious, Turo sat up slowly and assessed the situation.
Lotvonen was passed out, snoring softly into a pillow, and Oula was similarly resting on the back bench, but he noticed a missing figure from the front, Pasi.
Knowing he’d not be able to rest in these conditions, he decided to investigate. So, Turo forced himself out of his warm cocoon of blankets and grabbed his coat as he tip-toed his way out of the van, sliding his shoes on as he left.
It didn’t take him long to find Pasi, his friend standing a few yards away at the edge of the forest. They’d parked in a random clearing just far away from the road to not be visible, and on nearly all sides it was just the woods.
His outline was the most like Pasi he’d seen in days, the man in just a tee with the sleeves cut off and his jeans, a change in pace from the armor and leather he’d been sporting ever since debuting his new fashion.
Turo approached, leaves crunching under his shoes.
“Hey,” he said, announcing his presence to not spook Pasi.
“You should be sleeping.” Pasi said as Turo slid up beside him.
“So should you.”
“But here we are. Awake.” Pasi replied with a blank expression, the extreme makeup he wore making it harder to read his face. Somehow, it wasn’t smudged at all, just as crisp as it had been in the morning.
Ever since he’d put the corpse paint on, Turo had not seen Pasi without it, the man truly dedicating himself to their act. It was a little strange at first, but by now Turo was pretty much used to it. He hoped no one was giving Pasi a hard time over the makeup, or any of it really. He’d heard some townsfolk discussing their librarian’s new attire in a negative light before they’d left after all, at least it had just been gossip and not to Pasi’s face. Still was rude.
“What are you doing?” Turo asked, wanting to make conversation.
Pasi turned to face him for a moment, “Just observing the moonlight, I suppose. Let’s walk. See who else is awake at this hour.” He took a characteristically stiff step forwards, and Turo followed a pace behind, allowing Pasi to lead.
“Looking for anything specific?”
“No.”
“It would be cool to see some wolves, maybe. Or a reindeer.” Turo mused.
“We have reindeer at home.” Pasi replied flatly.
Turo shrugged, “Sure, but those are domesticated. Wild reindeer are different.”
“Lotvonen would say the same thing.” Pasi said.
“Spend enough time at the slaughterhouse, you start to think about them a lot I guess.” Turo offered, not sure where to take this conversation. Reindeer were far from exciting, but they were still beautiful creatures and it always brought him some joy to see them in their natural element. Always so serene, if a bit thoughtless.
“Perhaps. Regardless, it is good to get away for a while. I am very much looking forward to arriving at Northern Damnation.”
Turo felt the ever-present lump of anxiety in his stomach shift at the mention of the festival, asserting its presence, “Yeah, sure. The journey is good too though, this has been fun.”
“It is a means to an end.” Pasi said, taking a sharp turn around a pine tree, “I miss my apartment, my bed and my usual foods, but it will all be worth it.”
Turo hoped so, his friends were sacrificing a lot joining him on this adventure. There was a very good chance that by the end of this, they’d all be locked up at the police station.
Pasi reached a dead end, a stream stopping the men in their path. Pasi turned around to face Turo, eyes wide beneath the black paint, confront his lack of a reply, “Do you disagree?”
“No, not at all. I’m just as committed to this as you, and Lotvonen, and Jynkky too. We will get there, and we will play our song, even if we’re playing at the toilets, or in the parking lot.”
Pasi took a step closer, “And you look forward to it?”
It was hard to do, but Turo maintained eye contact, “Of course, it is why I decided to do this. To gather you all to honor Jynkky. To play that song at a festival as he would have wanted.”
Pasi just stared at him.
“Pasi, I mean it.”
“Xytrax.”
Turo huffed. It had been bad enough when Pasi corrected him when Oula was having an aggressive episode, not doing much to help until being told to play their demo. Now, he was doing it again during what should have been a conversation between old friends.
“Can you not be both Xytrax and Pasi? You’re still the same guy, just painted.” Turo asked, he wanted to support his friend, but didn’t want to lose someone he’d known since he was in grade school over this. Not that he didn’t like Xytrax in concept, but he needed both, he supposed. Xytrax was great for performing, for encouragement and bravery, but Pasi was his heart.
Pasi was the teen who’d shown him a Cannibal Corpse tape and opened his mind to extreme metal, coached him through forcing his vocal chords to contort and distort to allow him to scream along with his favorite songs. Who’d organized the summer of car washing and lawn mowing to save up for Jynkky’s new drum kit. Pasi was who encouraged the whole band to write something truly original, and ensured this to be true, allowing them to reach their current destination on this crazy journey.
Pasi looked away, “At time yes, both are present in their own ways. But currently I need to be Xytrax as Pasi is… also nervous about this decision. So, there is only Xytrax for now.”
“Can I talk to Pasi? Just for a second?” Turo asked softly.
Xytrax shook his head, folding his arms awkwardly to avoid impaling himself on spiked armbands, “If I let this go, I’m not sure I can get it back Turo. Xytrax is going to get to the festival, play our song, and deal with the consequences. Pasi is back home, comfortable, and living a normal, boring life. I don’t want to be Pasi right now. I can’t be him.”
Turo reached out to touch his friend, hands resting on the little bit of his upper arm that wasn’t covered in weaponry, “Pasi is also someone very dear to me, and the rest of this band, and would it be cruel of me to admit I need him right now? Maybe Pasi can also be on this adventure.”
“I… He would be afraid, and uncomfortable.” Xytrax admitted, voice softening.
“I think Pasi can be very brave. He’s always been proud of who he is, and someone to chase his goals.” Turo smiled warmly.
Xytrax shrunk away with a whimpering sound.
Turo let go, and stepped over to the stream, sitting at its edge on the forest floor. Xytrax followed him down, awkwardly squatting. The water was freezing, but Turo pulled a bandana from his pocket and dipped it in, warming it between his hands before holding it out, “Maybe I can help Pasi come join us comfortably?”
Understanding what Turo intended to do with the bandana, Xytrax sat back on his heels, “Pasi has other reasons he needs to stay away.”
“We can talk about them. Work through it.” Turo offered.
Xytrax stared back at him like a reindeer realizing it was about to be slaughtered, eyes wide and lashes fluttering. The pattern of his makeup was already shaped in a way to exaggerate an otherworldly sadness. His expression only added to this as he replied in a whisper, “If you do this, you’re going to learn something I don’t know if you want to know.”
Turo inched closer with the bandana, nearly touching his friend’s cheek, “You can tell me anything, Xytrax or Pasi, I want to hear it from you.”
Some part of Turo hoped that helping Xytrax and Pasi through this crisis might help him with his own crisis of anxiety. If he knew Pasi was ready to face it, without any sort of crutch, maybe he could do this too.
Looking down into the water, Xytrax took in a long breath, “It will change everything.”
“I think things already have changed a lot, heh.” Turo replied with a low chuckle, “May I?”
Xytrax looked back at him, shifting his feet beneath him to fully face Turo, “I will say it first, then.”
He moved so quickly that Turo had no chance to respond, he just sat there as Xytrax pressed their faces together into a kiss. He pulled back before Turo even registered what happened, the only evidence being a smearing of the makeup on Xytrax’s lips, the downturned corners smudged.
The bandana was plucked from his hands as Xytrax furiously rubbed his face. He couldn’t get much off, just spreading it all further and exposing a few patches of pale skin.
“Pasi?”
There was no reply as the man kept wiping.
“Pasi, please. We need to talk,” Turo reached out to put a hand on Pasi’s bare shoulder.
Finally he stopped, staring back at Turo with blown out pupils, fear and anxiety both expressions Turo was intimately familiar with.
“Let me help.” Turo took the bandana back and focused on the area around Pasi’s eyes after rinsing the fabric out in the stream, the white makeup was much less noticeable after all. He was able to get rid of most of the black, though there was still a grey ghost of where the paint had been.
“I suppose now it is my turn?” Pasi said once Turo was finished.
“Go ahead, Pasi.”
Pasi nodded, shifting to sit on his butt with crossed legs, “I have slowly come to realize that I care about you in ways beyond friendship. It is acceptable if you do not reciprocate these emotions, however now you know.”
Pasi waited for a reply silently.
Turo thought hard about how he wanted to reply.
Frankly, he didn’t know what to say. He’d never even considered that this was an option. It wasn’t his first kiss, sadly that had been with one of the punks who constantly harassed him to shut them up, but it was the better of the two.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like men as well as women, though a large part of him still yearned for Miia.
This was his friend. His very close, dear, amazing friend who he’d always admired for being so talented and focused. Someone he did not want to ruin his bond with, not for all the money in the world.
A friend who was staring at him in messy half removed corpse paint, practically glowing in the moonlight and dressed like a forest demon with his spikes. Pasi really was beautiful like this, more than any reindeer.
Turo supposed he should let him know that, so he reached out and tucked a strip of dyed black hair behind Pasi’s ear, “I didn’t know you felt this way.”
“I never told you, so how would you have been aware?” Pasi replied, ever logical.
“I know, but I guess I never thought you’d ever feel this way.”
“If it is unacceptable, I can keep it to myself. I do not want to ruin our friendship in any way.” Pasi said, ever polite and accommodating. Where Pasi would sit back passively, let Turo steer the ship, Xytrax had reached out and taken what he wanted, and now Pasi was trying to make order of the chaos.
“I feel the exact same way, about not wanting to hurt our friendship I mean. We’ve got something really amazing between us.” Turo replied.
“Do you consider Xytrax a friend as well?” Pasi asked.
Turo thought about this. He found both intriguing and had to admit that if Pasi had started this conversation, maybe he could have deflected. Pasi was the heart, but Xytrax was the hand, confident and demanding attention. Turo realized that he needed Xytrax just as much as Pasi had, and he was glad to have both.
But Xytrax had done something that could not be ignored. Turo still felt that warmth on his lips, and the longer it lingered, the more he wanted more.
“Of course I do.”
Pasi smiled thinly, “Good. He would like to be, ah, more than your friend. And so would I.”
That was enough to convince him what to do next.
He snaked his hand behind Pasi’s head and pulled him closer, leaning in to meet the man halfway. Before he kissed him though, he stopped to ask, “Are you comfortable?”
“I am.” Pasi replied, closing the gap.
This kiss lasted longer, Pasi gripping Turo’s lower lip with his, neither knowing when to or wanting to pull back. Eventually, the kiss did break, and they were left in close proximity, blowing thick breaths of hot air onto each other.
“How did that feel?” Pasi finally asked.
“Good. Yeah. For you?” Turo replied.
“Also good. Though I think I’m still feeling very afraid.” Pasi shifted uncomfortably on the floor, then forced himself back up onto his feet.
Turo followed suit, rising with a low groan, “I will admit that makes two of us.”
Both knew it was not their feelings that was causing the fear, but rather the festival endeavor. It was the culmination of years of preparation and practice, but were they truly ready? And both knew the wrath they would face once this tour came to its end.
“I think Xytrax needs to return. Quickly. Otherwise I’ll say that I want to go home and mean it.”
Turo understood that feeling well, this whole trip he’d been suppressing an urge to make a u-turn and give up the whole venture in favor of returning to safety.
He looked down, and the reflection that greeted him in the glassy water was a surprise. Xytrax had transferred some of his makeup to him, his lips blackened and specks of white dotting his chin and the tip of his nose.
Yeah, that confident and driven figure was desperately needed back, “Then Xytrax is welcome, I’d like to speak to him now.”
Pasi smiled thinly, then looked up at the moon, letting out a guttural screech, followed shortly by a coughing fit.
“Whoa, are you alright?” Turo rushed to his side, placing a hand on Xytrax’s back as he hunched over heaving.
“Yes, yes. Just got a little excited. You are the vocalist, not me.” He straightened himself back up to perfect posture, “Let us return to the others.”
“Here.” Turo leaned in to kiss Xytrax’s cheek, leaving a black impression, “Let me give you some of this back.”
Xytrax admired the mark in his own reflection, “Ah. Thank you.”
One last nod, and then the trek back to the van began. For a while it was silent, but eventually Xytrax spoke up, “And about Miia, I respect you still have feelings for her. Do not let me get in the way of your romantic pursuits. I’ve said what I needed to say, and do not need anything more.”
Turo picked up his pace to come to walk beside Xytrax, “Hey, um. Let’s just see where this goes, and see what happens the next time I see Miia. Nothing’s really official yet with anyone, you know?”
“Of course. Just please be clear when something does become official, as you say. I do not wish for any confusion to lead to hurt feelings.”
“I could not agree more.” This caused a pit in his gut that Turo had not even realized had been forming to fade away. There was no pressure, only honesty, and that’s all that they could offer.
Upon arrival back at the van, Lotvonen was spotted leaning on the vehicle.
“There you are! Don’t scare me like that. Thought some she-wolves might have broken in and stole you away to feed their young or something!” The man said with a frown, voice raised but not too loud.
“Apologies if we woke you.” Xytrax replied.
“Yeah, sorry. Just needed some air.” Turo added.
Lotvonen watched them both approach, then broke out into a wide smile, “So you told him?”
For a moment, confusion. Then Turo noticed Xytrax lift his arm to touch his cheek, where there was an obvious kiss left in black.
“Yes, he did.” Turo wrapped an arm around the shorter man’s waist, pulling them together, “Wait, you knew?”
“Only recently, Pasi told me in confidence, but yes, though I’ll admit I’ve expected this for a little while now. You’re cute together.” Lotvonen replied earnestly.
“Xytrax.” Xytrax corrected softly.
Lotvonen shot him a look. Turo silently pleaded with the man to respect the other.
“Xytrex. Sorry.”
“Xytrax.” Turo corrected this time, saying the name slowly.
Lotvonen replied, trying it one more time and finally getting it right, “Xytrax?”
“Yes.” Xytrax nodded.
“I’ll remember that. Anyways, since we’re all awake now, why don’t we just get back on the road, make up some time.” Lotvonen suggested.
“A good idea, it is unlikely I’d get much rest in this state.” Xytrax looked over at Turo with a slight smile, leaning his head down to rest on his shoulder for a moment.
Turo couldn’t help himself but to run his hand through his friend’s incredibly soft hair, stroking along his back and recalling the first time all those years ago he’d helped Pasi dye it from blonde to black, and the countless touchups to his roots since. That was another change he’d grown so accustomed to that he could not imagine his friend any other way, how was this development any different?
“Let’s go, next stop will be our concert!” Turo proclaimed.
“I will be in the back fixing my makeup.” Xytrax responded, breaking contact with Turo to head towards the van, their last touch being Turo’s hand dragging along his waist before letting him go.
“Need some help?” Lotvonen offered, following him in, “And let’s be quiet so Oula can get his beauty sleep.”
Turo fed off the energy of his band mates, grinning as he took his spot at the steering wheel, and now could only hope for the best as they made their way closer and closer to the festival.