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Gunil felt like his body was too big for him. His skin felt like it had been inflated to the point of distorting his actions. He watched people around him move gracefully, seamlessly slipping through the air. And there he was, stumbling and catching on things he swore were further away.
He sighed, staring at the pens littering his bedroom floor. The pen holder was usually further back on his desk, wasn’t it? It didn’t matter. This was always bound to happen. Gunil bent down, gathering the pens up and placing them back inside the cup.
The bedroom door opened, Jungsu peering inside. His hair was still wet from his shower, but he was dressed now. He was wearing a new set of pyjamas he had bought not even two weeks ago. They were blue with fluffy white sheep spotting them. “Hey,” Jungsu hummed, stepping inside. “I heard a noise. Is everything alright?”
Gunil let out another sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It’s fine. Everything is fine. I just knocked the pens over.” His words were clipped, more so than he intended, yet somehow he couldn’t really bring himself to care. He dropped the now refilled pen holder back onto the desk.
Jungsu just watched him with a soft gaze for a few moments before he lead Gunil back towards the bed. They both sat down beside each other, Jungsu easily interlocking their fingers. “What’s going on, Gunil-hyung?”
Shoulders finally falling, Gunil felt his anger subside. It was replaced with a sense of sadness and lined with regret. He hung his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry,” he began. “I just feel so… I can’t even think of a word for it.”
Jungsu nodded along. “Try,” he encouraged gently. “Explain it to me.”
The openness in his eyes swirling inside Gunil. Jungsu wanted to learn. He wanted to understand. And so, taking a breath, he complied. “Well, and I’m not sure if this will make much sense, but I feel like I’m the wrong shape. I feel like every time I move there is this extra weight and mass I didn’t account for. I feel like I’m always so clumsy because my brain just somehow doesn’t understand my body.
“And it isn’t a matter of losing weight. It’s more… like something I can never get rid of no matter what I do. I feel like my skin and organs are dead weight swinging me off balance. I feel like my fingers are too chubby for every day tasks. I watched other people - I watch you - do these tasks and they look so easy and seemless. It’s… kind of infuriating.
“‘Why am I different?’ ‘Why can’t I do the same?’ Those thoughts are always present. I’m so awkward. People always make comments about my dancing in particular. It apparently looks ‘amazing’ and people ‘love it’, but watching myself move like that makes me feel sick. Physically sick. I can’t dance or move in the ways other people can. The forced realisation of that is kind of painful. Well, it’s really painful.
“The only time I feel comfortable is when I play the drurms. It’s the only time my actions feel fluid and… presentable. I feel like I can’t present myself to the world in my current state. I feel like I need to become better with my actions before I can show myself to anyone. People who have no idea who we are or the music we play have seen videos of my dancing and I honestly have no idea how I feel about that. I want people to see me on-stage first. I want my first impression on people to be as a drummer and as a musician, not as a dancing fool.
“And I understand the fans don’t mean anything bad by it, but somehow it still makes my skin crawl slightly at the idea of it. I’m impressive on-stage, right? I’m not imagining that?” Jungsu nodded quickly, smoothing a hand down Gunil’s back. He hung his head, groaning softly. “I’m sorry for saying so much, Su. I just started speaking and so much came out. I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologise,” Jungsu cut him off quickly. “You never have to apologise for talking to me, okay? I’ll always listen, Illie-hyung.” He turned so he was facing Gunil on the bed, the older did the same. Jungsu took his hands, squeezing them gently. “I’m sorry you feel like this, hyungie. I’m not sure what I can do to help, of anything, but I can say from the very bottom of my heart that I love the way you are. I love your clumsy movements and your awkward dancing. I love it all,” he said sweetly.
Gunil sighed. “I know.” He couldn’t help the smallest smile from curling onto his lips. Jungsu meant so incredibly much to him, it made his heart soar just to hear him say he loved him. Somewhere, buried deep in Gunil’s heart, the words caused an ache. Deep down, he could only wish Jungsu meant more by his words. He wished he actually loved him back.
Jungsu, as if hearing the older’s internal struggle, moved closer. He cupped Gunil’s cheek with his palm and let a strange new look wash over his face. The only way Gunil could describe it was ‘love’. He felt the air leave his lungs as he gazed into Jungsu’s eyes. “I love you.”
Letting out a shaky exhale, Gunil couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and slotting their lips together. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but of course Gunil had to pull back a few moments later. He was uncoordinated. It was just his luck that covered kissing as well. He dropped his head onto Jungsu’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hey,” Jungsu said, taking Gunil’s face into his hands and raising him up so they were eye to eye again. Gunil was surprised to see he was smiling wider than ever. “None of that. No apologies. You just need practice, babe. And I would love to help you practice, if you’ll let me, of course.” Jungsu winked at him.
A blush settled across Gunil’s cheeks. “I love you…”
“I love you too,” Jungsu said softly, leaving a feathery kiss on his forehead. “All of you.”