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Shepard was not usually the queasy type. However, right now, she really just wanted to throw up.
She pointed a gun. At Kaidan. And he pointed it back and-
Okay, you conceptualizing what could have been in the reason you’re ready to hurl. Stop it.
She braced a hand against the door, allowing herself to take a few deep breaths and get her emotions – and stomach – under control. While the commander found herself in precarious situations more times than she ever cared to admit, that had been a whole new level of awful. Of all the scenarios she pictured this war ever putting her in, that had never even come close to being one of them.
And just when we managed to put Horizon and Mars behind us. She rubbed her other hand over her face. That standoff might have put an end to whatever they had salvaged of their relationship. It didn’t help Kaidan had all but disappeared after the incident, once the Councilors were safe.
Stepping back from the door, Rowan pressed the pad to open it, slipping on her “Commander mask” as she straightened her back. For now, she needed to focus. Plan what to do next, figure out-
And there was Kaidan, leaning against the wall, like he was simply waiting for the bus.
Shepard cautiously stepped towards him, almost unable to believe that he was there. She kept her façade up, unwilling to show the emotional turmoil that churned beneath the surface.
“Kaidan, hey. I wondered where you went.” Sometimes it amazed her how nonchalant she came across when she wanted to do nothing but scream and cry. “What’s up?”
His arms were crossed. For once, Shepard found it hard to get a read on him. She felt uneasy about it; normally he was like an open datapad to her.
“I’m trying to wrap my head around what just happened,” he said.
Shepard felt every hair in her arms stand on end. Shit, he sounds pissed. She swallowed, hoping her nervousness didn’t show. “You sound angry.”
“Not angry.” He walked up to her, his tone softening. “Just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love.”
As Commander, she should have focused on the “armed standoff” part, because admittedly, that was important. But as Rowan, her mind instantly honed in on the “someone you love” bit.
She froze, eyes widened at his slip. No, that can’t – he said on Mars that was in the past. “The person that I loved.” Past tense.
He continued, “How it all went down, it’s got me… I don’t know.”
Something in his tone – how lost and distressed he sounded – made her pause and push her own confusion to the side. He needed to talk, and she would be there for him, even as her mind spun from the implications he didn’t seem keen to elaborate on. “Okay, talk to me. Let’s have it.”
“If I hadn’t backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out.”
Never! she wanted to scream. She wanted to shake him and demand how he could think that. Despite his assurances when he was in the hospital, she now wondered if he still didn’t fully trust her. It stung, but she hid it.
“I trusted you,” she said, her tone far calmer than she felt. “and I knew you’d come around. That’s all that matters. Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel.” That needed to be the most important part.
“But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard,” he argued. “Later, when you have to live with yourself.”
Rowan waited, sensing there was more he needed to say… and that he meant more than he was letting on.
He turned to look out the window. She could see his shoulders tense, and his jaw clench. “Knowing that you acted with integrity – then it matters.”
Ah.
“You’re talking about Udina.” She sighed. Not an easy call to make, and one that he ultimately had to make. Had she been but a second faster, the responsibility would have been hers. As cruel as it seemed, perhaps in a way it was better that he had to make that choice. If he was going to be a Spectre, it was the reality he would have to learn to live with. “You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. He had the councilor at gunpoint. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing.”
I know you, she wanted to add. You’d act with nothing less.
After he seemed to consider it for a moment, he turned to her and smiled. “All right. Thanks.” And before she could speak up, he continued, “Look, Shepard, there’s another reason I’m here.”
She braced herself, unsure as to what was coming next. With how things had gone between them in the past, anything could happen.
“Hackett offered me a position,” he began, looking a little nervous. “but I’d turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”
Oh. She breathed a small sigh of relief. Secretly, she hoped that was what it would be, but she learned not to get her hopes up too much. Kaidan on the Normandy could make things complicated, given how tumultuous their relationship had been, but he was a damn good soldier. She needed his help.
That’s officially what she would say, if asked. Personally, she wanted him with her, no matter what state their relationship was in. If it had to be strictly professional, she could live with it.
“Couldn’t imagine meeting the Reapers without you,” she answered. It was the truth: just not everything she wanted to say.
He beamed. Not just smiled, but beamed. It made her stomach do somersaults. At least she could still make him happy in some way.
“Thank you, Commander.”
He reached for her hand and she took it, shaking his hand. It felt far too casual, but she refused to complain, even internally.
Kaidan added, “I need you to know that I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”
God she needed to hear that. In more ways than one. But, as usual, she scaled back how she really felt and said, “Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major.”
He saluted her. “Aye aye, ma’am.”
She smiled and nodded, watching as he turned around to leave. His earlier words still rattled around in her head, but she kept her mouth shut. Somehow, she was sure she was overthinking things. Maybe it was an honest slip. Hope threatened to bubble, to sway her into thinking that maybe things between them hadn’t entirely died. She shoved it back down. No way in hell was she going to set herself up for heartbreak again.
Be happy with what you’ve got, Shepard.
“Shepard?”
Her head jerked up, eyes wide in surprise as she noticed Kaidan staring back at her.
“Sorry, got lost in thought. Coming up on your six.” She motioned for him to keep going, mentally berating herself for that moment of weakness as she started following him towards the ship.
Focus on the mission. That’s the most important thing. It has to be all that matters.