Chapter Text
They were playing video games again. They weren’t Jude’s favorite games to play. Connor knew all too well that he would rather be doing dishes than playing another shooting game, so when he stared at the brown-haired boy who refused to look at him he knew something was up.
“Jude?”
“C’mon, we’re getting to the good part,” he urged his boyfriend to continue playing. Lately he's always wanted to talk and Jude didn't want to talk. Not about things like their relationship.
Connor took the black controller, gently releasing it from his boyfriend’s hands. “Why don’t you want to talk to me?”
“I do, I was just playing-“
“Jude,” Connor interrupted. He wasn’t in the mood to hear excuses. He was already becoming accustomed to hearing too many of those. He loved the boy sitting beside him, but talking wasn’t Jude’s specialty. He knew that it wasn’t and that Jude hated talking, but he was being weird lately and he deserved to know why. Did he do something?
“What’s up?” he turned to face him with a smile. It wasn’t the smile the taller boy loved, but rather a smile that he forced out to avoid confrontation. Connor knew him - no matter how badly Jude wished he didn't. He let Connor in... He swore he'd never let anyone in this far.
“What’s up?” Connor repeated his words. “You’ve been weird lately.”
“No I haven’t,” he shrugged. “Sorry, I must just be tired.”
Connor didn’t break his stare. Jude thought he might burn a hole through his eyes. Well, if they did burn through his eyes at least then he wouldn’t have to talk. He hated talking more than anything. He was gay. So, maybe he was gay.
Jude broke the eye contact, looking down at his fingers. Connor wanted to reach towards him and interlace their hands, but he didn’t know anymore. What did Jude even want nowadays? It had been days since they’d had a meaningful conversation and when he brought that up the small boy just shrugged it off and changed the subject.
“How’s Daria doing? Have you talked to her late-“
“She’s been a good friend,” he didn’t let the thought finish. “What’s going on?”
He didn’t break his record of avoiding a real conversation. They both knew it was probably due to being in the foster system for so long. It didn’t take a genius to realize how deep Jude’s fear of upsetting people or being abandoned went. He was better than Callie was when it came to dealing with things like this, but he was still a runner nonetheless.
“Why won’t you just talk to me?” he asked desperately. “Jude. I’m your friend above all else. I thought we could tell each other-“
“You won’t understand.”
“Well I can’t if you don’t give me the chance,” he challenged.
Jude could tell that he was getting rather annoyed but somehow he couldn’t get the words out. It was as if his lips were sewn shut. He had all these words, these feelings that he wanted to express but when the time came he just clammed up. Every time he tried he couldn’t express himself.
He tried telling Callie to practice saying how he felt to Connor, but even around her he was nervous. Besides, they weren’t as close as they once were so that didn’t help. She was involved with the other family members now. It wasn’t just the two of them anymore, despite how he wish it was. Times like these he frantically needed her one-on-one support. They weren’t in danger anymore and that seemed to put Callie at ease. She wasn’t as protective as she once was. So much had changed.
“I don’t get it,” Connor spoke up yet again when silence filled the air for another few minutes.
The game was still paused and Jude fought everything in him that was screaming to just go back and play the game again to make this much needed conversation to go away. It would just be the press of a button and maybe he would give up or save it for a later time. Maybe he could stall the conversation. As if reading his mind Connor moved the controller out of his reach.
“Am I bad for you? I’m bad for you, aren’t I?” he continued on and began asking the questions that had been floating around in his mind. All these questions went unanswered and he had to find a solution to some. No one had ever seen him more confused, more desperate to understand someone’s feelings. “I know I might be bad for you, I’m sorry, but-“
“What?” he asked incredulously, finally finding his voice. “You’re perfect for me. You’re the strong one though so you won’t understand. You don’t get it because you aren’t afraid. You’re okay with being gay-“
“I’m okay with it?” he asked in disbelief, clenching his fists due to mild frustration and staring at the ceiling fan go round and round above him. It spun almost as rapidly as the thoughts in his mind. “Have you met my dad? Trust me, I’m just as lost as you.”
Jude shot his eyes away from him again, staring at the floor in the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t look at Connor right now. He knew he went over a line – it’s not like being gay was any easier for Connor than it was himself. Somehow Connor had the guts though. He was coming to terms with it, which is a process that Jude was still having trouble with.
“I am terrified, Jude. I just… I need you in my life right now. Because you’re important. And if there’s someone who I want to do this with… It’s you, Jude... Since you walked in Anchor Beach… It’s been you… I’ve never liked a boy... before you… Don’t doubt it… this is scary for me too.”
His chopped up sentences made Jude look away. He loved this boy, he was sure of it. But people knowing, people staring – he couldn’t deal with that yet. He was finally getting rid of the stares from being a foster kid and wasn’t ready to give kids another reason to view him as different. That’s why he stopped doing things like putting on nail polish. He was so tired of being different.
“Please say something,” Connor murmured. He peeled his eyes off the ceiling and looked at his boyfriend, his first love, his everything. His dad didn’t get it, but he did. God damn, Connor got it perfectly. He was in love with Jude Adams-Foster.
Jude felt the same. He was crazy for this boy. He opened his mouth, but when he spoke his words were different that the sweet words he planned on telling his boyfriend.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Connor.”
He said it.