Chapter Text
Empty.
My eyes aren’t fully adjusted from the moody shade of the room I’m staying in yet, so it’s difficult to tell in the stark brightness of the lobby if anyone is out and about or not. Even with my glasses, trying to spot anything from a distance is tricky when my face is this tired. I check a couple more times, rubbing my eyes, spinning back and forth, staring longer and longer. Still no one. I’ll have to count on it.
I put on the softest, quietest slippers I have, and slowly creep my way out to the straining lights, gently turning the knob and pushing the door shut before softening my grip, letting the metal inch back to its resting position. For someone who usually only gets into the loudest kinds of trouble, I’ve seemingly made an art form of sneaking around without a trace. Seeing that I’m in the clear, I take some swift floaty strides towards the front door and escape the building.
At that moment, the chilling howls of mid January breeze right through me, freezing me in place. I usually pride myself on being resistant to the colder elements. Even through my new fall uniform and my amazingly comfortable starry tights, I wasn’t expecting it to feel this cold. Suddenly, I’m weighing my options again. I know fully well what I’m about to do is incredibly stupid, or at the very least weird and unnecessary. But at the same time, I need to see them. Any of them. The room I’m staying in feels way too suffocating under the weight of my thoughts. Plus, I finally consider the people who are still wandering about Mossui Town at this hour. Few, to be sure after what happened tonight, but enough for it to be strange when I suddenly walk out for a picnic.
Horrible idea. What was I thinking?
With a heavy heart, I abandon my excursion and return to where the temperature’s reasonable. However, before I retreat to my hideout, I take another look around the very spacious lobby. The Visitor Center isn’t usually this empty, even at one in the morning. But once I and all my friends made our way back several hours ago, they basically gave most of the place to ourselves, probably to make up for the ordeal we just went through. Given that we’re likely out of peak tourism season by now, I suppose they didn’t see it as that much of a loss. Regardless, we all greatly appreciated having the extra time and space to know each other properly. And right now, it might be the perfect chance to calm myself.
Since it’s still a public place, I’m hesitant to let out every member of my team, but after some careful consideration and a bit of therapeutic box reorganizing, I narrow it down to a few of my smallest and quietest. From experimenting, I’ve found that covering most of a Poké Ball with a hand towel actually does quite a bit to suppress the noise it makes when opening up. I cover my freezing digits with one and carefully lay out a cloth on the coffee table by the TV. Cautiously, I let out my cudgel wielding hero, soon followed by Ribombee, Alcremie, and Hatterene.
The sandwich I make for them isn’t anything special. Just some dessert to help ease things. The strawberries in particular seem awfully nice at this hour, maybe it’s just the weird mood I’m in. I snag a few for myself without worrying too much about my own sandwich and let my buddies enjoy themselves. I’d be hard pressed to admit that seeing their happy faces doesn’t make me feel at least a little better. I wonder if there’s anything on TV.
Clicking through various channels, nothing appears to stick. Whatever might be interesting is just colors to my noise-filled brain, so I leave it on the basic tourism reel, volume almost muted. Looking down at the table, most of them are already done. As I curl myself up, hiding my face in my knees, I can feel a leafy poncho nub tapping at my left arm.
I smile at her weakly. “Hey there. It’s been a long night, huh?”
Ogerpon gives me a somewhat curious look, like she’s trying to figure me out. Maybe she doesn’t understand how I’m feeling.
I give her a well earned head rub. “By the way, you were amazing tonight. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you fight so bravely...I’m so proud of you.”
Hearing this puts her at ease. She lies down next to me with a glimmering smile on her face. I couldn’t tell the full extent of what happened between her and that other Pokémon, but I knew it was something significant. In fact, I’ve only seen one other group of Pokémon with the same techniques that Pecharunt had, though my mind is hardly in the right state to consider that more deeply. Frankly, none of that matters right now. The determined stance and shouts of anger she wore in that fight told me all I needed to know.
Sooner or later, my worried psyche can’t help but ask...
“Hey, Ogerpon...?” How exactly do I word this? “Do you...like this place?”
She looks rather puzzled, but makes some happy noises regardless.
“...Yeah, I gotcha. I like it too, even if things are a bit complicated.”
I try to relax. Desperately. We’re already past the worst of it. Everyone else is already asleep after chatting it up for the rest of the night, and will no doubt be in high spirits by next morning. Knowing that... knowing how happy they’re likely to be with the rest of the trip, and how no one else seemed all that bothered by what happened tonight...having these thoughts feels selfish. I already caught that horrible pecha pit. There’s nothing else to be afraid of, so why am I still shaking? Is this really the same girl who ventured to the depths of Area Zero? And further?
Stuff like this happens to me all the time, so why can’t I pull myself together?
A hushed ghostly wail comes from Hatterene’s direction. She hasn’t stopped looking at me ever since she came out. In hindsight, maybe it was cruel of me to do this to her when my mind is in this much of a wreck. I look down at Ogerpon again. She’s practically asleep already, completely unfazed by however much distress managed to escape my thoughts. Watching her yawn and roll over so peacefully has me feeling envious. What I’d give to match her energy. To get out of my worn down head and quit making this dumb night all about me. To be the brave, talented, and selfless person everyone thinks I am.
I’m such a horrible trainer.
The screen in front of me barely registers as real footage anymore. All the colors are blending together, somehow putting more strain on my eyes than the bright lights above me. The image becomes even less distinct with the tears blurring everything together. It takes a lot out of me. I try my hardest to stay silent, even though I feel like screaming. But I can’t let them know. I can’t let them-
“Um...Julie? Are you still up??”
I must not have heard the door open, because the sound of her voice makes me jump out of my seat. “P-Penny!” Everything feels cold. I spin around and get up on my knees to face her. After a few seconds of shock, my arms slump downwards, my head now resting on the back of the couch. “Uh...I suppose you couldn’t sleep either?” I think back to what I was just doing, and quickly my tone grows more worried. “Wait, I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
Penny shakes her head rapidly. “N-No, nothing like that! I was just gonna grab a quick soda.” Her face only appears more confused after noticing the rest of the situation. “A-Are you having a picnic out here?”
I give a shy nod. “The desk lady did say we had the place to ourselves before she left. I was tempted to do it outside, but...” My gaze falls to the ground as my fingers lazily trail along the cushion seams. “It’s all cold and dark and late. I’ve had enough ‘outside’ for one night.”
Hearing this, Penny sounds almost relieved. “Hah. Feel you there.” Is that a smile on her face? My eyes are so tired. And still a bit foggy. She doesn’t say anything for quite a while. I don’t think I can blame her. But it’s at that moment, when I quietly accept this awkward scene might be my whole rest of the night, that she asks the one thing I did not at all anticipate hearing about an anxiety picnic at 1:30 in the morning. “Um...m-mind if I join!?”
“Ah! G-Go right ahead!” I try to fix my position and sit up normally as she makes her way over. “There should be some sandwich left if you want it. I wasn’t really all that hungry.”
For a few moments I can see her debating where to sit, before ultimately deciding on the spot directly to my right: another move I wasn’t expecting at all, not that I’m complaining. All around me, the rest of my Pokémon tiredly lie about on different cushions. Though she’s wrapped snugly in her hair, Hatterene still has an eye half open on me from across the room. She doesn’t look particularly at ease, contrary to the sleepy ogre to my left, who’s too busy nuzzling her head against me to worry about anything.
“...All this is for your Pokémon, then?” There’s a somber quality to her voice.
“Yeah. I thought seeing them happy might help things...”
Soon, we’re both just...there. Staring at the wall in front of us, not paying any attention to the TV. I imagine my eyes look dead right now.
“So...Kitakami seems nice. Ha ha...” Okay, that gets me. How can I not crack up from her unenthused tone? It’s perfect. It isn’t enough to fix my mood completely, but I guess it’ll get me to talk.
“I-It really is...mostly.” I look down at the floor, not wanting to direct my attention anywhere more important. “I’m sorry this trip got all intense.”
“Hey, don’t worry about that! ...Well, yeah, it got pretty scary, but we’re all past that now. I...” She gives her glasses a hearty readjustment, which my sporadic glances barely manage to catch. “I’m really having fun on this trip. We all are, I think. I didn’t know if I’d like it at first, but I’m so glad you brought me along.”
“I...I’m happy to hear that.” I’m noticing how deflated that still sounds and try to course correct. It’s a lot harder to hide myself so late at night. “N-No, sorry! It’s amazing to hear that. I just...” I desperately want to figure myself out and get all of my irrational feelings in order so I never have to think about this again. “I have some weird memories of this place. A lot of really good ones, and...a few horrible mistakes as well.”
“Wait, ‘mistakes’?” She seems really confused by this answer. “I-Is that what’s going on?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
Turning my head to properly face her, I finally notice how concerned she looks. “Julie, you seemed really out of it tonight. I dunno if it was because of tonight or what. We were all pretty tired after the weird stuff that happened, but...” Her hands are fidgeting. “You were hardly in the conversation at all! A-And whenever you said anything, it was always with these half-hearted one or two word responses, never any of the thoughtful or silly things you normally throw out there. And...the few times you smiled, it only looked like you were forcing it. N-Not that you need to be happy! I just...
She struggles to temper her accelerated breathing as she tugs at her sleeve cuffs, seemingly fishing for the right thing to say. “I’ve never seen you like that. You practically light up the whole room whenever the three of us are around.” She lingers on that last point for a few seconds, then her face turns pale. “I-I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have overstepped like that! I’ll-!”
“No, Penny! Wait!” I can’t stand the thought of her leaving right now. “You’re...you’re absolutely right.” I offer what little fortitude I can muster to calm both of us down. My chest feels awfully tight all of a sudden. “I’m just...I didn’t expect the list. I’m shocked you caught all of that.”
I feel an air of understanding from her forlorn smile. “I, um...I know what dissociation looks like. Don’t ask how.”
“You know...” Is it the lighting? There’s something particularly warm and radiant about her right now that I can’t put my finger on. “You’re full of surprises tonight! It’s catching me a little off guard...in a good way, I mean.”
She takes her hands to a single fluffy backpack strap. “Am I? B-Believe me, I’m not normally like this.”
Watching her act so apprehensively gives me all the justification I need. “That’s totally fine! Y-You being here right now is already doing so much for me.” My mind wanders backwards towards those times. When she took charge during the Team Star incident, when she hacked Area Zero to pieces (hehe), and when we fought alongside one another...those moments when I couldn’t help but marvel at her. “I-I don’t know how much this means coming from me, but I’ve seen it before...you really know how to shine when it counts, Cassiopeia.”
“I...gosh, Julie!” Seeing her smile so gently like that really puts me at ease. She looks way more comfortable than before. “I kinda needed that. Thanks!”
“That’s good. I think I needed to hear it from me, too. You don’t wanna know how long I’ve been fussing over this exact thing.”
She laughs to herself, probably at the thought that just popped into her head. “W-Wow, since when did we become experts on each other’s emotions? Now I’m wondering if one of us is secretly a psychic type.”
“Penny, if tomorrow morning you come out to me as an Espeon, you know that won’t change anything between us.”
“Y-Your move first, you lil’ Hatterne!”
I adore joking around with her like this. It’s one of the biggest things I missed over the course of my trips to Kitakami and Blueberry Academy. I so badly wish we hung out more often, but very little could ever shake the fear that I’d end up being too much of a bother.
For the past several hours, it feels like I’ve been chasing my frenzied mind in circles, trying to rationalize whatever I can from the frayed ends I manage to catch. Is it the sheer terror from having my friends turned against me? Or maybe it’s my poor luck with this region in general. Or maybe I’m just fishing for the attention I rarely got until moving to Paldea. Trying to think through each possibility only leaves me more lost and confused than before.
But this moment...I’m not all the way there yet, but I can feel myself slowly coming back to reality.
After some hushed giggles and a few more steady breaths, she starts again. “Julie, um...you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But if there really is something bugging you...e-even if you think it’s dumb or humiliating, I’ll listen.
I feebly attempt to smile with as much warmth as I can manage. “You’re the best, Penny. Thanks for everything.” I weigh my options for a few seconds. It’s so late right now, and the tiredness is only amplifying my anxieties. But I’ve noticed a paradox when it comes to being tired. Even though you feel the worst about yourself, it’s also the point where caring about that sort of thing becomes the most difficult. No way can I turn down her offer. “Uh...how much time do ya got?”
“Heh. D-Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not my first all-nighter, and you definitely won’t be my last!” She shoots a priceless sly grin in my direction, pushing up her glasses as she does so. “Um, before that...” She gets her bag off and reaches in, pulling out two cans of some sort of drink. I don’t recognize the Umbreon-themed branding from here or Paldea. She must’ve been saving it for something. Penny holds one out to me. “Here, this is better than most. Sorry, I know carbonation’s not really your thing, but it’ll at least help keep you up.”
“Th-Thank you so much!” I’m holding it with two hands, daring not to drop such a precious gift.
She stops herself from instinctively putting the Veevee bag back on and instead sets it to the side, still firmly within convenient strap flooffing distance. She rests both hands in her lap. “OK. Once you feel comfy, fire away.”
“Will do!” I try fixing my uniform up, running a hand through my hair, and sitting in a healthier manner. Given how late our little witching hour is, I probably look just a wee bit disheveled right now. I straighten my hat out, then try and get some thoughts out there. “...Um, gosh, I don’t know where to start now.
That’s when I feel movement on my left side. Seems I might’ve roused her awake. “Aw, sorry about that.” I run my hand across her head as she offers a sleepy smile, eyes barely open. “Didn’t mean to wake ya.”
She takes notice of my adorable buddy. “...Right, I’ve seen her with you a few times...Ogerpon, right?”
“Yup. I met her in this region, and she’s kinda warmed my heart ever since.” At that point, I remember. “...So, I basically met Kieren and Carmine as soon as I got here. Already, I could tell they were...quite the characters.”
“You sure know how to pick ‘em, huh.”
“At first, we were getting along great. There’s this festival that you guys should definitely come see, it’s a lot of fun. But we went there, took some cute pictures, had mochi ‘n stuff... regular mochi, to be clear.” I start getting somewhat emotional, thinking back on how well things were going that day. “K-Kieren even seemed to be opening up a lot. I was worried, since he was so shy at first, but we were all having a great time!”
Her expression perks up at the sound of this. “Uh, how much of an introvert magnet are you?”
“Well, Mom always told me to be the change I want to see in the world.” I start twirling my hair. As if there’s any reasonable explanation for why my friends are drawn to me. “Anyways, about the festival...” I glance to my left again. “When I was alone, I met Ogerpon. She had a mask on, so I couldn’t quite tell she was a Pokémon at first, but...well, humans don’t exactly have feet like that, do they?
As I continue, I feel my smile slowly start to fade away. “A-After that...Carmine found us. Ogerpon eventually got anxious and ran away without her mask. And...she wanted me to keep our meeting a secret from Kieren.” I hesitate, knowing I have to explain the context now. “U-Um, the version of the story we heard painted Ogerpon as the villain, even though it wasn’t really true. I think he understood that even back then. Even so, Carmine got worried and wanted me to lie for her, and tell him I saw nothing, which...” I hate thinking about this with every fiber of my being. “...which I did.”
Penny doesn’t say anything. She only gives a pained expression.
I do my best to keep going. “I-I know that was wrong. I even knew at the time. It felt awful watching his positivity slowly fade away. But once I actually got my act together and tried to tell him, it was already too late. I...I think he resented me after that, for a long while at least. I tried apologizing multiple times, but even when he eventually forgave me...the fact that Ogerpon chose me over him was...” My weak voice keeps tripping over itself. “I-It really pushed him, I think. H-He started being meaner to his Blueberry classmates, and he dedicated his whole reign as champion to try and take me down.
“W-Wait a sec! This is starting to sound a whole lot more like a ‘him’ problem!”
Oh no. Why did I put him on blast like that!? “M-Maybe, but he really is a nice kid! I think he got caught up in some messy thoughts by the end there. We eventually made up for real, so we’re all fine now! It’s just...the fact that I screwed up so badly at first with one of the few friends I managed to make, combined with how uncomfortable it felt being at the center of his world...I think it really got to me.”
“Julie...”
“And...and then...” I smile. Not because I’m happy, but because it’s the only expression I’ve used when I’m so hurt and anxious and don’t want anyone to find out. “T-Tonight happened, and I...” I can feel tears welling up. Tears I’d been holding back since this incident started. I stare down at my hands, and don’t dare to shift my focus anywhere else. “T-The way everyone lost their minds...the way they all came after us...I-I couldn’t even keep you three safe, and...i-if I lost Kieren too...i-if I was the only one left, then...!” I realize how loud my sobs are right now, and try my hardest to hush my voice all the way down to a muddled whimper. I can hardly keep my thoughts straight. “It...it f-felt like I was living in a nightmare...e-even now, I don’t know if I’m awake yet, or if it’s actually over, o-or if...
I’m suffocating. So few of the things leaving my mouth are coherent. Why did I think this was a good idea? I can feel the whole world melting around me. It’s impossibly heavy, like I’m being pulled on from all sides. I can’t bear to see any more of it! I do whatever I can to hide my face. “I...I’m really no good without you guys. I try to act all brave, but it just isn’t true! I thought I was about to lose everyone I ever cared about, and...I can’t go back to being alone again! I-!”
It’s as I’m thinking like this, devoid of any of the sensibilities that keep me afloat during the day, that I feel a different quivering lump suddenly wrap her arms around me. In an instant, I’m jolted back to reality. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what she wants me to do. Instead of trying to understand with reason, I grab hold of her as well and start crying even harder. Everything about her feels so soft. Our embrace does little to make the searing pain in my heart go away, but gradually, I can feel the weight of everything getting lighter and lighter with every breath. Letting go feels impossible. I’ve fully lost track of what time it is at this point, but I can hardly be bothered by such a thing.
After what feels like not nearly enough time, I feebly manage to pull away ever so slightly, not enough to get our arms off each other, but enough so I can at least see her and get my bearings. My face still feels like it’s leaking.
Penny’s still rubbing her eyes, which causes her glasses to nearly fall. “Julie, I...I’m so sorry. If I knew you were this afraid, then I would’ve...”
“Please don’t! Y-You didn’t know. The whole point is that you didn’t know.” I’m still in a partial frenzy, but I’m finally able to look her in the eyes. “I...I was afraid of how you might react if you found out about me. If you knew how scared I am of so many things. If you knew how much whatever it is that made me ‘special’ relied on you guys and all the strong Pokémon that happened to choose me. And how horrible I am at carrying myself without you. I really thought things were turning out better once I moved to Paldea, but...I-I’m still-”
“Julie, listen to me!” She pulls me in again. This time, her grasp is much more firm and determined. “Th-The whole reason I founded Team Star is so no one would have to feel as sad and miserable and alone as I was. The feeling that nobody cares about you...the feeling that you can’t trust anyone, not even yourself. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!” Her voice starts wavering. “So the fact that you’re going through this by yourself...it ticks me off! After everything you did for us, you don’t get to hide this from me!” I can feel her tears falling onto my uniform. Why is this sort of thing so contagious?.
She then tells me something that I’ve wanted to hear for as long as I knew myself. “Julie, you don’t have to be strong. That’s not what any of us want from you.” The way she’s rubbing my back now...how can she possibly expect me to keep it together? “I’m sorry you got scared. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. Please...I want to be here for you now.”
As soon as she finishes, I break down completely. This must be what she meant. Suddenly, a lot of her actions tonight start falling into place...no, way more than just tonight. It’s obvious the part of her that drove Team Star’s creation never left. She’s so amazing. So amazing that my heart can’t handle it! But no way can I possibly let her know that. Not when I’m already asking so much of her. Instead, all I can do is continue crying uncontrollably as the memory of the things that haunt me slowly wash away.
I don’t know how long it takes before I can do anything. Somehow, she feels even softer than before. Like, substantially so. I...surely I can’t be letting my feelings get to me this much, right?? Wait, no, obviously not. This fluffy sensation is just her Veevee backpack that she...isn’t wearing right now. I completely forgot about that. Wait, hang on!
“Um, Julie.” She’s not hugging me anymore. Penny points behind me and slightly downward, just as I realize what’s actually happening. It took me way too long to notice the pink and blue hair I’m now wrapped in.
Sure enough, I turn over to the left side of the couch to find her firmly pressed against me, partially laying on top of a still sleeping Ogerpon. “Hatterene?”
She looks up at me with the same blank expression as before, barely making a noise.
I don’t miss her message this time. “Oh, ‘Reenie!” I very carefully scoop her up to embrace her properly. “I’m so sorry for making you worry.”
Aside from a few grunts from the initial lift, she doesn’t fight it. Instead, she covers even more of me. Her voice emits a nearly melodic hum. I can’t see her face in this position, but I can only assume she’s much happier than before.
“Ack, w-wait!” Ah. That’s what her claw was doing. Penny has officially been dragged back into the cuddle pile. I’m tempted to get our dear, precious, sleepy ogre in the mix as well, but...no, I just can’t. She deserves her rest.
Once she’s finally satisfied, Hatterene lets us free and takes her seat beside us. I never knew such a devious grin could look so caring and considerate. She cradles Ogerpon and, with a yawn, seems eager to sleep for real.
Penny gives a moderate sigh. “Between her and Miraidon, you sure have a knack for picking the affectionate ones, huh!”
“I swear I’m not trying to be a bother.”
“I-It isn’t annoying! ...well, mostly.” She takes the opportunity to wipe down her glasses. “I just wanna know how you do it.”
“Penny, that one is a long and...kind of depressing story.” Oh gosh. I need to shut up right now. I do not have the energy for this. Between the late hours and all the time I spent laughing and crying and screaming throughout this trip, my voice feels incredibly weak. “...I’ll tell you later. Wow, this is new to me!” I’m all sniffly still. “I thought I was supposed to be the one making people feel better.”
Penny shakes her head. “Julie, that’s not how any of this works. Nobody expects or wants you to shoulder these things by yourself.”
“I-I know that logically speaking, but...”
She rests a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “No. I get it. I’ve been there. So oppressively caught up in past issues, knowing you’ll only make someone’s day worse by bringing it up. It really sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“I’m still so confused...Why am I even like this? Why do I feel so responsible for everyone else?”
“...Maybe because you’ve been neglected for so long you start to feel like everything’s your fault. And that if you aren’t useful to your friends, they’ll move on to someone else.” She pauses for a moment. “J-Just a hunch.”
...Does that brainiac honestly expect me to have a reasonable response?? I can feel myself pouting as I meet her gaze once again. “Penny, I thought you were here to support me! Not attack my very essence!”
“S-Sorry! Didn’t mean to go that hard on you...if you weren’t ready for it.” She sure doesn’t look too sorry. I’m glad my jokey tone wasn’t missed.
I can sense giggly jovial feelings returning to my cold, colorless heart. “It’s fine, don’t worry. I...actually kind of like that you get it so well. It makes me feel like I don’t have to hide as much.”
Her face is filled with relief. “Well...a lot of this is for me, too. That thing you said earlier about needing to hear yourself say something kinda stuck out.”
“Really? Who knew I could be so wise...” I don’t fully remember what she’s referring to until about halfway through my sentence.
“Hmmm...” Penny stares at me somewhat intensely for a few seconds before a humored grin emerges. “You know, Julie, I’m starting to think maybe you’re not the most night-adjusted person I met.”
“Oh...I probably forgot to mention...caffeine usually makes me more loopy and tired. Sorry.”
“Geez, you too?” At least she doesn’t seem too upset.
It’s at that point when I notice the empty energy drink can on the table. The carbonated kind. The one I finished without even thinking. That has to be a first for me. Before I can figure out if it was before or after the crying, the other obvious culprit finally pops into my mind. “A-Also...this day kind of has me exhausted. I should get this setup cleared out before I collapse.”
As I quietly call back all of my sleeping buddies, she dejectedly taps her fist to her forehead. “...What the heck. You’re still more organized than me? Even now !?”
“It’s a public lobby. I don’t want to make trouble for the staff.”
“They’ve probably seen worse. Surely they’ll understand.” Nonetheless, she begins to help with cleanup as she’s saying this.
“Um...” Coming up with the right words is nearly impossible right now. I’ll save the bigger thoughts for tomorrow. “Thanks, Penny. For helping, and for...all that stuff back there.”
“O-Of course! Julie, the last thing I want is you feeling like you can’t trust us with this sorta stuff.” Her voice sounds so reassuring at this hour. “Are you...feeling any better?”
I’m beaming with all the energy of a Sunny Day. “Much better!”