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maybe the stars were wrong this time, the gods were wrong about us.
we weren't meant to be.
— but why do i want it so bad?
💫
"i swear for the last time, the dishes need to be washed! you can't just fucking sit on the couch all day and not give a shit about this house!"
"and i said i'll do it later! goddamit taehyun, i really can't take you—"
...why would you live in a house with someone you sincerely hate and give yourself stress? taehyun asks himself the same question everyday.
he tries not to twitch every time beomgyu doesn't turn off the lights when he leaves the bathroom. he tries not to sigh everytime choi walks in their front door. self control is a blessing, taehyun thinks.
and beomgyu tries to ignore his senses telling him to shout at taehyun. he sits beside him for lunch. and dinner. with such a small table, do they even have a choice?
just because the stars say so.
stars my ass.
everyone's been telling him how important his stars are, how they're in this position, how bright they are in the sky. but goodness, if taehyun hears one more whiny complaint about how he's so lucky to have found his soulmate, he might burst into flames. beomgyu? he's almost sure they weren't meant for each other. why did the stars put him with an insufferable manchild? he's tired walking around his own house on eggshells!
he's sick of it.
beomgyu falls sick.
no one knows why. no one bothers, no one tries to understand. no one dares to be near him anymore. after all, why would someone randomly be gravely sick?
and so taehyun starts to blame himself.
"i should've- god! i should've looked into his stars more, if not we wouldn't be here right now... fuck, gyu, i really just messed up—"
"taehyun," beomgyu starts softly. "just hold my hand first?" taehyun immedately rushes right by beomgyu's bedside and holds his hand, worriedly looking at his supposing soulmate. wow, this feels surprisingly domestic, taehyun thinks. he's not complaining, even when his heart flutters everytime beomgyu blinks softly and drifts off into slumberland.
after beomgyu fell ill, taehyun took it upon himself to take care of him. maybe it's out of his own goodness that he can't bear seeing the boy groveling across the house everyday. after all, they lived in the same house - maybe god was testing his worthiness to be a good soulmate.
taehyun likes observing things around him, the things in life. it keeps him occupied, his mind his own friend whenever he's lonely. it gives him a chance to figure out what people are thinking about, to observe actual human behaviour than to be obsessed with all the star nonsense he's been hearing all the time.
beomgyu can be surprisingly quiet and mellow, taehyun notes. a bit of a romantic, albeit knowing he's weaker than usual and can't be his usual mischievous self. beomgyu tries to still ramp up his energy, but it's obvious to anyone that he's straining himself. taehyun doesn't understand why he does that. this never happens. he knows what's always happening. he knows how to read people. but why was beomgyu such an interesting enigma to him? he can't seem to get enough.
he still follows the boy everywhere in the house like a mother eyeing her young duckling, making sure beomgyu is well taken care of.
but it's been months, and beomgyu is still sick. his energy is never full, he walks around with dark eye circles clouding him like thunderclouds. but he refuses to tell taehyun what's wrong, saying he doesn't know it himself. taehyun's frown lines on his forehead hasn't disappeared, with every continuous day of searching for a reason and cure, accompanied with his daily routine of reading their stars.
"still reading the stars?" beomgyu chuckles, enjoying his cup of tea. "i've told you honey, it doesn't work. if they don't wish to tell us anything, they won't. isn't that what we said last time, that the stars were all bullshit?"
"i won't stop reading the stars gyu, i just can't. i don't wish to see you like this, constantly sick. and i won't give up, because i love—"
he stops himself. does he love beomgyu? is this what love is, what love feels like?
because he wants no part of it.
love shouldn't be when he's taking care of his sick soulmate, being worried sick himself and having such a rocky relationship. love can't be like this, it can't be so taxing on them and their fragile hearts.
love, love, what is love.......?
he's been loving his time around beomgyu this whole time, hasn't he? when they weren't trying so hard to be 'good' soulmates, they fell in love with their true selves even more. ironic, isn't it.
he loves when he wakes up beside beomgyu, warmth emitting from his body. the sun's just up, and he pads quietly across the house just to make beomgyu breakfast. he loves it when beomgyu thanks him every single morning for the food and insists that taehyun sits beside him to eat, because the dirty dishes can definitely wait. he loves patting beomgyu's soft locks before cleaning up his plates away from the table.
oh, he misses when beomgyu was healthy enough that they could at least take little walks in the afternoon, enjoying the cold breeze ruffling their hair and the amber leaves on the ground. and when beomgyu lies in their bed, watching taehyun observe their stars after dinner, sitting in his work desk tucked in the corner of their room.
beomgyu's grown to love taehyun too.
to love the determined intent in taehyun's eyes, that annoying yet endearing stubborness that lives within him. the boy always stares at beomgyu with passionate narrowed eyes, to beomgyu's amusement. taehyun cares for beomgyu more than he realises, just because he's always caught up in his head about being worried for beomgyu's illness.
grown to love how taehyun uses little actions to show his love, instead of big celebrations and words that beomgyu was so used to. it's a good change of pace. his coldness startles everyone at first, but being around him 24/7 lets beomgyu see the fussy yet affectionate kitty that lives in him. a kitty that quite obviously likes it everytime beomgyu coins a new term for him — honey, my dear, sweetie.
beomgyu likes to call him a quiet lover. what a funny name for him, but it does fit quite well to the owner. the lover who blushes and runs at any flirtatious advances, the lover who whacks away at any affection. he claims he doesn't care about beomgyu when he's the one by beomgyu's bedside everyday, embracing his hands and asking about his day.
love denies us when we look for her, but she creeps up to us even faster when we aren't looking — love is terrifying in her own ways.
beomgyu deserves better, taehyun deserves better, they both do.
but why is fate so harsh on them? why are the stars so cruel to just them?
so taehyun tolerates it. he pushes behind the nagging, tugging feeling of love trying to grip his heart away into the dark pits below. he will hold on for his dear beomgyu hyung, because that's what beomgyu needs right now. a strong partner by his side.
and beomgyu chooses to live in his head. to live in his dreams, that he isn't sick, and taehyun is his loving partner who cares for him. that's how he chooses to live, and not by how the stars told him to.
"taehyunnie, come here. let's not look at the stars anymore for today."
taehyun's eyes flickers up from his papers and constellation maps, as his eyes swept beomgyu's tired figure lying on the bed. "you can go to bed hyung, i'll just spend a little more reading these stars."
beomgyu sighs, "star this, star that. no more looking, taehyun. i'm officially banning you. i can't believe you're the one who told me the stars don't work in the past."
"but—"
"no buts. what did hyung tell you? we're the ones in love here, not the stars."
"besides..." beomgyu starts, a wry smirk starting to make its way on his face. "why would i look at the stars when my one true star is in front of me?"
taehyun's orbs immediately widen. "hyung!"
beomgyu giggled, appreciating the red that begins to dust on his soulmate's cheeks. moments like these are the highlights of his day, to be able to catch taehyun off guard and flustered. he wants to keep these moments bottled away for himself to enjoy all the time.
i don't have lots of time anymore.
"come sit." he shifts to make space for taehyun, as the bed dips and creaks slightly for the boy to softly settle in.
beomgyu's arms immediately take refuge around taehyun's waist, and his chin rests perfectly on taehyun's shoulder. he places his left hand on taehyun's messy locks, slowly carding his fingers through them. it feels peaceful, and really so nice. it feels like beomgyu always belonged with taehyun.
fated soulmates.
beomgyu ponders on those two words, the words they always avoid like the plague. "...taehyun. do you ever think we were meant to be fated?"
he instantly feels how taehyun stiffens up, as his back immediately straightens and the grip on beomgyu's arms tighten. the boy makes no response at first, so beomgyu thought maybe it was better to drop the topic.
"didn't we say not to talk about this?"
"i know," beomgyu starts, exasperated. "but taehyun, i just—"
"i do think we're meant for each other, though."
"really?" his heart lightens, maybe this was worth it after all. to see taehyun's change of heart. "yah~ kang taehyun, i never knew you were so sappy now. did hyung change you?"
he swats away beomgyu's hand before the older could pinch his slowly bashful cheeks. "don't say i gave you a chance. this is all you get."
"ah, back to the days of taehyun depising my very existence. did i really had to be sick for you to like me?"
god, beomgyu can't bear to look into his lover's eyes now. another look from those starry round eyes will make him crumble and lose it all. he continues, "it's like we knew all along, from the start. we knew not to be with one another, because all i do is bring you pain."
"don't say that, gyu."
"no— i have to, i need to, just this time. i don't have any more time to wait around."
"...what? what do you mean?"
they shift places on the bed so that beomgyu is fully facing taehyun now, his face muscles tightened and determined. there's no more empathy, no more holding back.
"taehyun... i'm dying today."
the wide eyed boy just stares at him, and beomgyu can feel his chest tighten more and more. fuck, this was never gonna end up well. nothing was ever going to prepare him for this moment.
taehyun doesn't respond him. but he wants to open his mouth, cry, scream, maybe scold beomgyu for teasing him like this. but beomgyu's looking at him like that, with full seriousness, and no more glint in those eyes.
"taehyun... i went to look at my stars. there's no more hope for me. the skies have spoken, and i can't do anything to change my fate but to accept it."
"when...... how long have you known?"
beomgyu quiets down, scared to say. his voice lowers down to soft murmur. "about three weeks."
"god." taehyun leans his head onto beomgyu's, their foreheads grazing each other. it feels so initimate, when he feels beomgyu's quickening breath on his face, and his beautiful soulmate is so close to him. if only this wasn't the situation right now.
he has a dying soulmate with him.
"you should have told me earlier, hyung. we could've tried to look for something." his tone is soft, approaching beomgyu with gentleness. he isn't scolding or mad at beomgyu anymore. not this time.
his ears pick up a soft sniffling sound, and he looks up to see beomgyu's eyes slowly filling up with crystal beads. something stabs his unwavering heart, seeing tears stain beomgyu's beautiful face.
"don't cry."
he wraps his arm around beomgyu's head, letting the boy rest his head on taehyun's shoulder. beomgyu has already found himself crying more and more, hugging taehyun because he can't seem to find anything more to comfort himself.
two souls, so tightly wrapped around each other. both physically and emotionally, for some reason they can't stop finding each other. in any and every other universe, they draw to each other like magnets, like two desperate lovers who can't stop their strings from pulling them closer and closer together.
"i love you so much, taehyun. i know i haven't really shown you over the past few months, but please know that i've never stopped. ever since i saw you, i knew you were always going to have my heart. you're caring and attentive, beautiful and lovely. i've never been happier. i've never had the privilege of feeling so much emotions for one person, much less my own soulmate. so thank you, thank you so much for being in my life, taehyun."
taehyun doesn't realise when, but his tears start to fall. drip, drip, drip. his heart hurts, it feels so heavy to carry it inside himself. it beats, it yearns, and it feels like his heart has been sufferring all along. he never knew guarding your heart all this time could have such horrible consequences.
"oh— oh my god, are you crying? please don't cry my love, it wasn't supposed to be like this. you never cry, my love..."
and that's the final thing that made him fall into despair. call him a romantic, a little boy who fell into love and now cries over it.
"it's not fair," he sobs. "it was never supposed to be like this. you were supposed to get better, we were supposed to be happy. i want you so bad, please— why did i had to, why did we, no no no—"
taehyun doesn't get sad. taehyun doesn't cry, he doesn't break down, he always keeps a calm face. but even taehyun has a breaking point, and he lets it all out in uncontrollable, big, loud sobs. the stuttered cries of feeling lost, feeling helpless breaks the silence in the room, but neither of them want to stop him now.
he can feel his heartrate race faster, his breathing picks up, and his chest feels so tight. god, he's hyperventilating. everything feels so disgusting, his eyes are itchy with salty tears, his cheeks are full of dried tears with new ones replacing them by the second, his nose sniffy and uncomfortable.
every part of him inside is telling him to control all this — his pathetic cries, the way he wails out loud with no care or shame, how he grips onto beomgyu's cardigan with trembling fingers. all this because of a boy. a certain soulmate called choi beomgyu who climbed into his heart so quietly and took up all of the space inside.
and choi beomgyu isn't leaving him. he stays right there, seated on their plush bed stroking taehyun's hair and whispering to him "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm really so sorry my taehyun..."
for once they feel like they were the only people on earth, in their personal bubble. all beomgyu can see now is taehyun, and all taehyun can feel right now is his soulmate.
my soulmate — taehyun finally realises what he's been missing this whole time. now his heart grasps onto that word so tenderly, never noticing that was what he wanted all along. was he really so stupid to argue with beomgyu just because of a dumb bugging feeling in the back of his heart? he was so blinded by how beomgyu and the word was suddenly thrust upon him all at once.
but all he wanted was a lover, his comfort person, his other half. why must it be this moment where he finally opened his eyes to see choi beomgyu?
love wasn't a difficult thing to produce. it was in front of him this whole time.
but love comes back to stab him, right there deep in his heart. just because he took too long to find her, took too long finding his beomgyu. why was he so childish this whole time to fight love?
love, oh cruel love.
it hurts- yeah, it hurts so fucking much. the wound sits right in the middle of his chest, slowly widening that taehyun never realised it until now. and nothing will heal that wound anytime soon.
"taehyun... i don't care if my world is ending. i'm just so happy i spent my last moments with you. i- i know we argued a lot back then, but i want you to know," beomgyu pulls back to meet taehyun eye to eye. "i never regretted being your soulmate. you are the best thing that happened to me.
my soulmate, you make me happy. you make me feel loved. you care so much for me, even if i'm literally dying on our bed right now. and yeah, maybe," he sniffles. "the stars were right. you were mine all along."
"i love you, kang taehyun."
and when he lets their lips touch, there's nowhere else in the world he'll rather be. when he first chanced upon taehyun at the library, every breakfast, every night he spent pretending to be asleep just to hear taehyun silently sing beside him.
what does love feel like?
oh, beomgyu has experienced it all. he understands what that fluttering feeling in your heart is, he knows what it’s like to wake up to your lover every morning. he’s spent every breathing moment beside a soulmate. he has a person to trust, smile, cry, and be vulnerable. what it's like to fall into his arms all the time.
and he’s glad to leave this world knowing it all.
“but i- i don’t want to lose you.”
it’s so fucking selfish and taehyun knows it.
he wants beomgyu all to himself, but who would let him?
“my love. i don’t have lots of time. you’ll understand, wouldn’t you, my sweet boy?”
beomgyu is still being the most ever sweet person even if death is slowly gripping his soul away. does taehyun really deserve the angel?
“beomie. my beomie hyung.” his fingers softly graze past beomgyu’s cheeks, and he struggles to find the words, he scrambles his brain to quickly say what his heart truly yearns for. he never prepared himself for such a day to make a parting monologue for his disappearing soulmate.
“i- i never knew what being loved feels like… no one could show it to me. i couldn’t feel it. everything felt, it all felt so empty. i used to be so scared of love, i was so scared that no one will love me. when they see who i am — just a quiet boy. what if someone thought i wasn’t paying enough attention? but you, beomgyu, somehow you managed the impossible. when i’m with you, i feel so calm. at peace. it never felt like ‘what was next?’. it was never ‘i wonder if he thinks i’m not good enough’. you anchor me and bring me back to earth, you bring me back to life. you’re, my god, you’re my soulmate, choi beomgyu.”
he feels beomgyu’s lips slightly twitch upwards, a light grin plastered on his pale face. oh, his eyes— they’re misty, they hide so much love behind his dark brown orbs.
“…if you’re really leaving,” taehyun’s eyes flicker up to meet beomgyu’s. “please, i want you to hear that, i love you. i’ll never stop loving you, even after ten, a hundred, a million years. i love you so much, the stars can't stop me. i love you, i love you, i love you.”
his soulmate chuckles. “i love you too, dummy. we finally found each other, hm?”
“stupid stars.” taehyun grumbles. “...and when you're gone, what will i even do?”
beomgyu never had a moment where he didn’t find taehyun cute. endearing. he was always a small child in beomgyu’s eyes. “i’ll fly up and be a star for you, okay? the brightest one up there will be me. look for me when you're lonely.”
taehyun nods, a lone tear running her own track down his left cheek.
he kisses beomgyu again. again, again, and again. softly on every part of his face, treating him like a perfect porcelain doll.
he knows in this moment, yeah, he’s my fucking soulmate. i belong to him, he belongs to me. we’re one and the same. there’s no one else in the world, nothing that can describe how perfectly both their lips, their arms mould to each other. now he wonders, why would he ever bother looking, thinking, or spending time with someone else but beomgyu?
his life was beomgyu, beomgyu, beomgyu. wake up, cook breakfast. sit with beomgyu, make sure he finishes. spend the afternoon lazing with beomgyu. order in some food at night. tuck beomgyu into his sheets.
beomgyu filled his life so much. his heart is full. taehyun feels happy. heaven brought him down a gift, a blessing.
taehyun lifts his palm, shadowing over beomgyu’s falling eyelids. he lets his lover rest his head on their pillows. he sees beomgyu’s gaze briefly flying away, sinking away further away from reality. and he knows it’s time to go.
“go to sleep. return to heaven, my angel. rest, my love, choi beomgyu."
and when taehyun feels empty on a lonely night, he looks up at his star up in the sky and dwells on what they could've been from the start.