Chapter Text
The muffled sound of grown men bickering echoed from the kitchen, as Perona and her co-conspirator exchanged proud smirks.
“I don’t know how, but this is your fault,” Zoro snapped, “I mean, sure, I knew you were going to meddle, but ending a marriage, ‘Rona? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Oh don’t get your panties in a twist,” Perona rolled her eyes, “It’ll be fine. Dad’s better off single, anyways.” The words hung in the air like the stench of a decomposing corpse: rotten and just downright upsetting.
“In all my years-” a snobbish voice yelled out, quieting down briefly, before returning to full volume, “you infuriating, little-” the wall between them muffled the rest.
“It really doesn’t sound like that,” Zoro responded.
“-you goddamn pillow princess-” a slightly inebriated voice retorted, “-I’ll have you know, my nephew-”
The aforementioned nephew cried quietly in the corner of the dining hall, with an angry look on his face, muttering, “Jerky-jerk fake vampire, what was that stupid turkey? All I wanted was Rabanada and Plantains. Shanks é bom demais para ele.” No one in the room could understand Brazilian Portuguese, though.
“I think I should be heading out,” Perona’s chainsmoking uncle added, an annoyed expression on his face.
“Yeahhh, mind if I hitch a ride with you, Croccy? I don’t need to hear my brother argue with his sugar daddy on Christmas Eve,” the children’s birthday clown who worked for her father asked, awkwardly laughing. The hook-handed businessman reluctantly nodded, grumbling something to himself.
“I believe this reverse- Parent Trap is a success,” Uta leaned back, smug, as her coward of an uncle left the building. The girls clicked their glasses together, in celebration, sipping Mihawk’s homemade mulled wine.
“This is the dumbest shit on earth,” Zoro grumbled, “I mean really, your plan was dumb, but reverse parent-trapping? That’s what you called it?”
“I mean, in retrospect,” Perona backed Uta up, “It seemed clever at the time…”
“So stupid,” Zoro rolled his eyes, “shit, Nami and Usopp are texting.” He walked out of the room, annoyed. Luffy gave them about as good of a death glare as he could, given the tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Santa’s not gonna bring you presents this year, you mean, old… grinch!” Luffy piped up from his corner, as if he was telling them something truly awful.
Three Days Earlier
“C’MON IDIOTS!” Perona screamed, honking the horn on her pastel-pink car. It was just her luck, really, that she had been stuck chauffeuring not one but two incompetent manchildren on a six hour drive to Kuraigana Manor (not to mention picking up Luffy’s cousin from the airport). Just a few weeks ago, the pink-haired fashionista had planned to spend Christmastime at a cute little ski resort, enjoying a warm fire, while her brother played outside, far away from her.
It had all started when she did her end-of-month mailbox check (but, like, in her defense, who sends important information via snail mail these days?), and had found an envelope with familiar, elaborate handwriting. Gulping, she’d turned it over, for her worst suspicions to be confirmed. The letter had Mihawk’s signature wax seal, in bright red, which he only used when he had important news, rather than the black wax he used for the bimonthly life update he’d send her. Yes, Perona was very aware of how fucking weird her dad was (though she hardly had room to talk).
Speaking of her strange family, Perona’s beloathed little brother and his sidekick came stumbling out the door, carrying their rolling suitcases like fools. “Shut the hell up ‘Rona! You’re gonna get me a noise complaint,” the sour-faced swordsman barked.
“Can we stop at the world’s biggest ball of twine?” Luffy added, much too enthusiastically for Perona’s liking. She’d been driving since 8am, so she was far from entertained by the boy’s chipper attitude.
“No. Try to not dent my trunk cramming your bags in,” she huffed.
The men obliged, and Perona chose to ignore the snide comment about where Zoro would like to cram his suitcase if she kept bitching. It was going to be a long drive.
“So, how was the first quarter of senior year?” Perona asked, merging onto the highway.
“Eh, fine. Not much to write home about,” Zoro was ever the conversationalist.
“Well, I was just asking since I saw those totally adorable pictures Luffy posted from your little Thanksgiving thingy. Who was that cute emo guy you had over? In the yellow?”
“I have no idea who you’re referring to,” Zoro deadpanned, likely telling the truth.
“Oh! Torao! He’s Zoro’s friend,” Luffy added enthusiastically, “he’s a doctor!”
“He is ?!” Perona scowled at Zoro.
“And he’s, like, a grown up!”
“Luffy, we’re adults. Law is just old.” Zoro snarkily added.
“Zoro, why the hell didn’t you tell me you have an edgy doctor friend who’s older than you? That’s literally my type!”
“He doesn't play for your team.”
“ Oh ,” Perona giggled, “I see how it is.”
“What? Ew! God, I’m not that desperate,” Zoro mock-retched, “he just needed somewhere to go, and since I owed him, I let him come over.”
“Uh-huh, likely story,” Perona smirked.
“I am not dating that creep! Tell her, Luffy!” he protested.
“Aw, don’t be mean Zoro! Ghostie doesn’t know you like S-” a sneaker hit the boy’s face, as Zoro’s face flushed a cute little bright pink.
“So my little manwhore brother has a crush?” Perona giggled, trying to narrow down who it could be from the boys she saw on her brother’s instagram stories. She didn’t know his type, but there were a few guys she could easily cross off the list (sorry, Usopp!). Meanwhile, Zoro tried (and failed) to wrestle the man in the backseat. The imbeciles kept hitting Perona’s chair in their scuffle, “Hey! Knock that off!” the woman looked away from the wheel to yell at the men.
“Watch the road, woman!” Zoro yelled, swerving the wheel to the right, narrowly avoiding a curb. Perona screamed, quickly recentering the car. She had an absurdly nice vintage car for a twenty-five year old with a bachelor’s degree in textile design, given to her as a sweet 16 gift from her dad.
Everything seemed to remind her of her father that chilly December day. Most psychologists would speculate this was, in part, due to her fear of letting him down, especially when compared to her brother. Sure, Perona made absurdly good money from her social media hustles (anything from paranormal-themed vlogs to goth fashion content) and her follower count was comically large. But, Zoro was practically a mini-Mihawk, with his sword skills, and his passing grades, in both his major (Japanese, which was less impressive when one considered the country he spent the first thirteen years of his life) and his minor (mathematics). He was dense as a brick about everything except the stuff their father cared about, while Perona was the opposite.
“So, what’s the plan?” Perona asked after their first “Siouxsie and the Banshees” album finished.
“We’ve got to pick Luffy’s cousin up from the airport at four, then we’re headed home,” Zoro explained while simultaneously serving as a pillow for a sleeping Luffy.
“But what’s after that?”
“I mean, I guess we’ll order takeout, since Mihawk will be home tomorrow.”
“No, I mean, when is Luffy’s uncle coming to pick them up?” Perona grew irritated.
“Huh, I don’t know, I assume he’d just shoot him a text once we get there, pick them up from our place.”
“Well, ask him.”
“Luffy,” Zoro hit his friend.
“Wha-?” Luffy barely stirred
“When’s Shanks picking you up?”
“I dunno, he’ll be back tomorrow. Lemme sleep.” the snoring returned.
“Christ,” Perona sighed, “No way in hell I’m going to pay for Luffy’s dinner.”
“UTA!!!” Luffy yelled, jumping up and down, waving his arms. A few people looked their way. “OVER HERE!” Perona wished she could disappear, sitting in the airport parking lot.
“Oh my god, it’s Uta!” a man with the most unfortunate haircut Perona had ever seen yelled.
“Holy shit! Uta!?!” Another person cried out. People began mobbing the woman just out of Perona’s sight.
“Shit, start the car.” Zoro ordered.
“Why?”
“Just listen to me, start the fucking car!” he yelled, sounding panicked. The engine purred to life as Perona looked out the window.
The mystery girl jumped in the backseat, yelling “go! go! go! They’re right behind me!”
Perona did as she was asked, confused, but when she turned around to back her car out of the spot, all questions were answered. A mob of people were about to overtake the parking lot, as she narrowly avoided their grasp. She zipped off onto the freeway, hoping she didn’t hit anyone on her way there.
“Uta! I missed you so much!!” Luffy hugged the woman.
Something clicked in Perona’s head, “holy shit, you’re the Uta?” Perona was no k-pop stan, but she made a point to keep up with modern pop culture, mostly for her brand’s sake.
“The one and only!” she giggled, "Thanks again for picking me up, I assume you’re all Luffy’s friends?”
“Yep, that’s us!” Perona lied, “I’m Perona, xXGhostPrincessXx on all social media, and this is my kid brother Zoro.”
“Yo,” Zoro nodded in acknowledgment, “you got a hell of a fanbase.”
“I suppose you could say that,” Uta giggled, “my fans can just get so excited.”
“So, you’re Luffy’s cousin?” Perona asked her.
“Yeah, but he’s more like a little brother to me!” Uta declared, pulling Luffy into a headlock to noogie him.
“Stop it!” Luffy whined, despite the fact that he was a nationally-ranked collegiate wrestler.
“Oh really?” Perona asked, checking her gps to see how far they were from home.
“Yep! Uncle Shanks raised me when I was a kid!” Luffy declared, grinning.
Uta let him go, her eyes softening with a wistful look, “yep, I had to live with this bozo for a whole decade.” The rearview mirror was too small for Perona to see more than the woman’s eyes, but she was certain there was something Uta wasn’t saying.
“It’s a lovely place, Uta, really,” Perona explained, as the boys unloaded their suitcases, “we’ve got four guest bedrooms you can choose from. The aura is off-putting, but, really, it’s just fantastic.” Perona dug her keys out of her purse, praying the famous woman wasn’t scared of a spirit or two.
“I-I believe you Perona, it’s just a little…” she trailed off, “haunted house-y.” Perona opened the door, pointing at the corny wooden sign she’d painted for her dad one Father’s Day, hanging above the shoe rack. It was made to look like one of the wine mom signs she’d see at the fabric store, with text reading: ‘it’s not a haunted house, it’s a haunted home !’ Mihawk had accepted the gift with an eyeroll, a bigger drama queen than his teenage daughter. The next morning, Perona and her brother discovered the sign had mysteriously been hung up in the foyer overnight, and had stayed there ever since.
Uta giggled, “touché.” She flitted through the entryway, into the massive foyer. Her eyes were wide, spinning back around to look at Perona, as if she was asking permission to explore the manor.
“Go ahead and look around, I’ve got to use the bathroom, anyways.” Perona giggled, darting off to relieve herself. En route to the restroom, she cut through the living room, startled to find a large heap of color on their black sofa. It appeared to be a napping man. Like any sane adult, Perona shrieked.
“Jesus Christ!” the man yelled, falling off the couch.
“Help! Help!” Perona squealed, walking backwards. She grabbed her pepper spray.
“Hey, there’s no need for that, Piranha.” The man giggled, waving his hands as if to calm a raging bull.
“How’d you almost know my name?”
“Almost? God I’ve lost my touch… Mihawk said a girl named Piranha and a boy named Zolo would be arriving back to the manor today, along with Shanks’ brats.”
“What?!” Perona shrieked, as Zoro finally rushed to her aid.
“Who’s this guy?” Zoro growled, grabbing a sword off the wall.
“Hey! Put that down! I’m Buggy! Your dad’s business partner?” The man looked about ready to piss his pants.
“Uncle Buggy?” Uta asked, walking in the room.
“This guy’s your uncle?” Zoro asked, carefully putting the sword back on the wall.
“Oooh, Buggy Roger!” Perona snapped her fingers, “Dad’s intern.”
“Well I wouldn’t say-” the young adults shot him an unimpressed look, “okay, yeah, I’ve been taking care of the Manor for the past few years, per your dear old dad’s instructions.” He produced a scroll from his jacket, letting it fall to the floor and roll several feet, “and there was a load of them.”
“Okay, well, you’re relieved of your duties. We’re home now,” Zoro replied.
“Chop, chop,” Perona clapped, “off you go now.”
“What?” Buggy asked.
“Leave,” Zoro clarified.
“No,” Buggy snapped.
“Dear god, Mihawk has a squatter now,” Perona rolled her eyes, “that careless old fool.”
“Hey! Let’s back it up now!” Uta protested, “Uncle Buggy is a good guy! I’m sure he’s not illegally occupying your property.”
“That’s why you’re my favorite of my sibling’s kids,” Buggy grinned, shedding a dramatic tear, “I need a ride downtown.”
“Really, at your age?” Zoro snarked.
“Yeah, you’re like, what, 50?” Perona chimed in
“I’m 43!” He screeched.
“Buggy!” Luffy yelled, launching himself at his uncle, who fell over and bumped his head on the floor.
Perona finalized her post for the day, a video diary of driving back north, getting takeout with her brother, Luffy, and Uta (that she ended up paying for), teaching the cousins how to play “Settlers of Catan”, sleepover antics, and a house tour. She uploaded it to the web, titling it “Home for the Holidays ft. Uta!” The thumbnail showed her and the most famous K-Pop idol in the world painting the boys’ fingernails, with some clickbait-y words overlaid. A text came in from her brother.
Tuesday, December 22 12:47am
Luffy got a text from shanks, we r goin 2 meet him & dad tomorrow night 4 dinner
where r we eating? ૮(0ᆺ0)ა
Traveling boat restaurant
(-_-;)・・・ name?
Place called baratie, ik 1 of their employees its prob a dump
not even gonna ask (T_T)
Perona noticed Uta had reposted the video, grinning as her followers rose by the thousands in seconds. The twenty-seven time platinum-single musician had posted a picture of the four of them on her Instagram with the caption: “So honored to be welcomed into your home, @ xXGhostPrincessXx 😊 10 million likes and we’ll go ghost hunting 👻” Perona smiled, staring at the familiar ceiling of her bedroom. She was certain that she would have a fantastic Christmas season.