Work Text:
TW: fat shaming, ed’s kind of, toxic relationship,
I hated what I saw in my mirror.
I sighed and left my room, going downstairs to get myself dinner
I grabbed myself a bowl out of the cabinet
“Are you really eating that much?” My boyfriend remarked, uncompassionate
“Babe, it’s just a salad.” I responded, my appetite lessening
“Besides, I go to workout right after this, remember?” I continued, questioning
“Ugh, whatever.” He said, walking off
I stared back at my bowl, it now seemed like a trough
I set it back in the fridge, he was right anyway
Though I don't think I’d be happy with myself at any weight
I’ve worked hard on myself, and yet still
People comment vile things on my posts, all for the thrill
“I’ll just go work out for now” I said to myself
“Thank god, work on those thunder thighs while you're at it” My boyfriend remarked, grabbing something from the pantry shelf
I know that I should fight back, stand up for myself and all
But then, I’ll be alone, and I’d only continue to fall
Who am I supposed to be if I’m all alone?
After all, my parents wouldn't care, even at home
I thought about my parents, and I started to shudder
For even when I was on the show, the only thing they thought to talk about was my brother
They didn't care for me, their neglect caused pain
And after years of this torture, it rewired my brain
I learned I didn't matter, I binged, I let myself go
Only when I met my boyfriend did I start to care about myself so
But he turned out to be worse, his abuse much more prominent
And still, though I’m an adult, did I not reflect back dominance
I want to stand up, take back my power
But years of neglect have made my resolve turn sour
I just agreed with him, I did what he wanted
Only then when she confronted me did I feel spotted
She told me, “If you don't fight back when he does that again, I will”
Now, she waits like a circling hawk, ready to strike, to kill
And here I am beside her, after all these years
I’m finally growing a backbone, my vision was now blurred by tears
Soon I’ll be free of him, no longer a liar
And now I have her beside me, ready to run with me through the thick, the thin, and the fire
I sit here now, writing my decree
I’ve started to recover from it all, I’m finally free