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Hello and welcome, my esteemed readers!
This is The Rosewood Sunday Post, now in digital form!
We moved our paper to digital form to make sure you're updated
wherever you are!(and because my intern said
no one reads newspapers anymore)
We hope you enjoy our new format, and, as always,
we promise only the best for you, our dear readers!
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Top news:
(by Marilyn Haynes)
Our first story of the day is about the random disappearance of one Mrs. Eliza Smoke. She disappeared Monday, May 6th, while taking photos after her wedding. "One moment, we were laughing and celebrating our marriage," Says her newlywed wife, Jennifer Smoke, "The next, she was gone. It was like she had vanished out of thin air." No one knows what happened to Mrs. Eliza or where she went, and we give our wishes to Eliza and Jennifer's Family. But if that wasn't strange enough, when questioned, no one at the wedding could provide the photographer's name nor a description of their appearance. If anyone has any information about the strange photographer, our any other odd tales, we urge you to call us at ***-***-*** with your story.
In other news, The county fair is coming up, which begs the question, will the annual curse return? Or will we finally be free from the looming shadow that is cast upon Rosewood every year? More on this in next week's article.
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Weekly Forecast:
(by Altostratus Fritz)
Monday
The clouds are grey and dark, heavy with the tears of those trapped in the sky. They thunder with the screams of love ones lost as they prepare their heavy pour. High chances of thunderstorms around 7pm-11pm. Bring an umbrella if you are planning to go out for dinner or a night on the town.
Tuesday
After the skies late night storm, the clouds choose to part for the sun to shine brightly upon us. But don't look to close for there are things you do not wish to see. Clear skies all day, perfect weather for bug hunting while the ground is still damp with last nights storm.
Wednesday
The ground is dry and cracked, the moisture sucked out by the vicious sun, the clouds missing from the sky as they cannot survive the sun's cruel beams. Wednesday will be quite hot, so make sure to keep your air conditioner on while you're in and stay hydrated while you are out.
Thursday
The clouds return and block out the sun, finally cooling down the hot atmosphere. But do not let this small victory blind you, for the worst is yet to come. It will be cloudy on Thursday, a perfectly calm day in the midst of such a hectic week. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Friday
The clouds twist and turn as they form their funnel of destruction, death marches towards the town bringing chaos and destruction with it to ravage our town. Heavy tornado warnings for Friday. Hold your loved ones close and take shelter while you still can.
Saturday
The clouds have mercy on you, giving you peace after the destruction they have caused. Be grateful for their kindness, for they may not be so humane the next week. It will be a calm day with little cloud coverage. Use this wisely, for you never know if it will be your last.
Sunday
For this day I give you the gift of ignorance. Be careful, and watch your step, who knows what will happen.
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Horoscopes:
(by Abigail Grace)
Aries(March 21st-April 19th)
The headstrong and brave, always courageous and ready to face anything. You might find a new friend in a stranger this week, you just gotta put yourself out there!
Taurus(April 20th-May20th)
The stubborn and practical, quite resistant to change but always up for a challenge. Something big might've happened in your life that you might not have liked, but you are going to get through this! Just roll with the punches!
Gemini(May 21st-June 20th)
The superficial and restless, always wanting things both ways and spoiling it for yourself. A big opportunity might have shown up in life and you took it on. Let me just be the first to say, don't screw it up.
Cancer(June 21st-July 22nd)
The nurturing and resilient, you often find yourself being the empath in the friend group. You may have someone come up to you with an offer, but be warned, they are not what they seem.
Leo(July 23rd-August 22nd)
The self-assured and decisive, your courage leads you strong and helps you make the best decisions. You've got a lot on your plate right now, but don't worry, you'll push through and come out better than ever!
Virgo(August 23rd-September 22nd)
The kind and outgoing, you always go above and beyond for those around you. You may find yourself with one too many projects left unfinished, just take a breather, you don't have to finish everything right away!
Libra(September 23rd-October 22nd)
The aloof and mysterious, always helpful and there when someone needs it. Someone in your life is very scared of you for no reason, you're nice but they are just socially awkward. You might wanna clear that up with them.
Scorpio(October 23rd-November 21st)
The passionate and inquisitive, you often find something and stick to it all the way through. You're doing just fine for now, be happy and enjoy yourself! This is your week, make the most of it!
Sagittarius(November 22nd-December 21st)
The optimistic and intellectual, always looking at the bright side of things. You may have a very great loss in your future, but this loss will lead to new beginnings, so stay positive!
Capricorn(December 22nd-January 19th)
The poetic and goal-oriented, always pushing to get everything done. You have started a few things recently, and let me just say, the future looks promising for you! Keep on trucking and you may find yourself with a good thing or two!
Aquarius(January 20th- February 18th)
The generous and unique, always wanting to try something new and share it with the world. You have been looking for something lost recently, and you may find it soon, but not this week.
Pisces(February 19th-March 20th)
The dreamy and warm-hearted, always looking for the right path for greatness. You may find yourself in an unfamiliar place, but don't fret, you'll find your way out! Eventually...
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Thank you for reading!
We look forward to your patronage in later articles!
Feel free to comment any questions about our articles down below.
And who knows, one of our writers might answer it!
Sincerely,
Mr. Dawn
Head Publisher
