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Tubby knew today would not be a fun one when she saw Yae Miko marching towards her. The shrine maiden, normally so calm and collected, looked furious. She rounded on the adeptus, teeth clenched as she hissed.
“You…”
Miko drew a journal from her sleeve. Tubby ‘s ledger with every woman’s information. The adeptus’ brow twitched. Couldn’t this wretched fox just keep out of her stuff? Before she could reprimand Miko’s theft, the shrine maiden thumbed through the ledger.
“Let’s see. ‘Yae Miko…the most mischievous and dangerous woman I’ve ever met. Major nymphomaniac with dominatrix tendencies. Lives to see others squirm.’ You wrote that I have a ‘libido on par with a Sumpter Beast,’ which is unflattering enough, but then you wrote, ‘Must not let her go first.’ Shall I go on?”
Tubby sighed. This day had to come sooner or later. Might as well get it over with.
“I know what I wrote, Miko. Please, get to the point.”
“You rigged the lots. You ensured I would draw last place.”
“Alas, I admit it.”
“Ah ha!” shouted Miko triumphantly. “You cheating bird! When I present this evidence to our Congress, they’ll have you impeached!”
Impeached? Tubby considered the idea. Honestly, retirement didn’t sound so bad. At least she wouldn’t be babysitting these women anymore. But no, it was not to be.
Tubby tilted her head, “For what?”
“Hm?”
“What will they impeach me for?”
“Rigging the raffle, obviously.”
“Is that so? Tell me, where in our Constitution does it say I can’t do that?”
“Article 3. You can’t tamper with election results.”
“The election results of Congress, Ms. Miko. I have no say over who gets elected as representative or senator, yes. But read again, and you’ll see that the Constitution never said I couldn’t tilt the raffle in favor of one candidate.”
“You violated the spirit of the law,” said Miko.
“But not the letter.”
“I know several women who would disagree. Lisa, Keqing, and Ayaka dislike their positions. When they find out…”
“You don’t have the votes to impeach,” said Tubby. “For those ladies at the bottom who may side with you, there are many, many more at the top who are content with their position. For example, the Speaker of the House Ganyu. With her date coming up, why would she contest the order? And say you somehow did get the impeachment to clear the House? It would perish in the Senate. Senators Amber, Beidou, Kirara, Dehya, Furina, and Navia have a vested interest in maintaining the current order. That’s almost half the Senate. You. Don’t. Have. The Votes.”
Yae Miko glowered indignantly. Tubby savored the moment of satisfaction, getting one over the shrine maiden. People didn’t tell her “no”. They did as she asked. Whether through trickery or some other deception, Miko always got her way. Not this time.
“It’s not fair,” she said. “I love him just as much as the others.”
“You shall have your turn, Miko. Just not yet. Now, if we’re done here, good day.”
Miko’s scowl slipped into a wicked grin. “Oh dear Tubby. We’re not done yet. You still haven’t given me a promise to sign Amendment 35, which states that all future lot drawings will be conducted by Aether himself.”
“And why would I sign that?”
“Because, you’ve committed treason. You’ve given shelter to an enemy of the UHA.”
Tubby frowned. Now what was the shrine maiden going on about?
“Did you not permit the Mirror Maiden into the UHA?”
“Yes, everyone agreed with it.”
“You haven’t done your due research, Tubby,” said Miko. “There’s a villain in the UHA. Someone you let in.”
Miko leaned in close, brought her voice to a whisper, and said a single name. Tubby’s stomach dropped in horror. No, no it couldn’t be possible.
“You’re lying.”
Miko with a smug flourish drew out a manilla envelope. Inside, Tubby found an investigative file by Detective Heizou. The proof was all there. Matching fingerprints, DNA work, identical build—everything matched up perfectly. This wasn’t a lie.
“W—who else…”
“Who else knows? Aether, myself, Ei, that Cryo Cincin Mage.”
“Why hasn’t she done anything?”
“Amnesia. But when the others learn who she truly is, their attentions will shift to you. Perhaps you can justify the lot rigging, but can you truly claim ignorance of this? Even Collei wouldn’t overlook this.”
“You’re trying to blackmail me.”
“Think of it as quid pro quo. Pass my Amendment, and I’ll have Ei keep an eye on her. Should she reveal her true face, Ei will strike her down. I’m sure the safety of the realm within is of supreme importance to you.”
It was. After so much time building it up, she couldn’t stand to see the realm come to any harm. She couldn’t just ban this potential threat from the Teapot. People would become suspicious. Worse, Aether would lose a valuable partner. She owed him a great debt after all he had done for her. Could she deprive him of happiness? Absolutely not. It was no use. Tubby knew she was beaten.
“Fine. I will sign this Amendment.”
“Good. I’m glad we can agree on one thing.”
Yae Miko snapped the folder back and departed. Tubby watched her leave, head held high, as she strutted back to the mansion. Of all Aether’s lovers, this one concerned Tubby the most. One second you had the advantage, then she pulled the road out beneath you and got what she wanted. That woman might be the most infuriating, smarmy menace she had ever seen.
Never mind that though. She had to deal with that problem pronto.
Amendment 35 Passes, article by Charlotte
In a surprise move, President Tubby signed Amendment 35 which limits her powers. Championed by Senators Yae Miko, Lisa, and Mirror Maiden, the Amendment acknowledges that Tubby did knowingly rig the raffle that determined who would have relations with Aether first. Moreover, the Amendment takes the responsibility for managing all future lot drawings from Tubby and gives it to Aether.
When asked why she signed the bill, Tubby only said, “It only seemed right.” She has been unavailable for further comment. However, many witnessed her speaking with the Mirror Maiden prior to ratification. The subject of their conversation remains unknown.
Miko called the passage of the Amendment “a victory for those who have been wronged by a dishonest scheme to disenfranchise some of us from Aether.” Riding off this success, Yae Miko is drafting new legislation that will effectively ban Aether from masturbation and force him to ejaculate only with assistance from UHA members. The bill already enjoys massive support and will likely pass in the upcoming future.