Chapter Text
Locard’s Exchange – where two people cannot have a physical interaction without leaving traces of themselves behind.
Jordan:
She can’t do it. Can’t possibly process everything that’s happened in the last few hours, last days really, on no sleep. How could Lily’s mother be… dead? And... Lily. Where was Lily? Why couldn’t Garret keep an eye on her like he’d supposedly been doing all day??
Jordan shakes her head, dashing into her office to grab her coat and cell. No time for a shower, or anything—she just has to find Lily.
In a flash, she’s out the door and down the hallway, desperately trying to pull her coat over her worn scrubs while searching for Lily’s name in her cell. The elevator dings, distracting her, and she looks up and—
Lily. Beautiful, funny, bright-eyed, and oh no… so sad.
She pauses and before she can stop herself the redhead’s name is out of her mouth and those sorrow filled eyes lift meet hers. It takes everything in her to not rush towards the other woman, so Jordan slows herself to Lily’s almost casual pace. Her fingers itch to touch the redhead’s face but she holds them steady, willing herself to be calm.
“I, um,” Lily says slowly, stopping in front of Jordan, eyes downcast. “I didn’t know where else to go.”
She looks up then, a hitch in her voice. It’s all Jordan can do not to pull the other woman in tight. But she doesn’t want to do anything that might hurt her more than she’s been hurt today.
Jordan’s mouth quirks, ready to speak instead, when Lily’s face crumples. Damn it all.
She reaches forward and scoops Lily into a tight hug. Lily doesn’t cry, doesn’t move, but she sinks her chin into Jordan’s shoulder, the only sign that she needs this touch.
For a moment, nothing seems to matter. Not the chime of the elevator, or the soft sounds of the people working the night shift. Jordan just holds Lily tight to her and rubs her back, gently, comforting. It’s not enough, but what can be at a time like this?
After an eternity, Lily sniffs and pulls away, but Jordan doesn’t let her go, won’t let her go.
“Hey,” she says softly, moving one hand under Lily’s chin, slowly, so not to startle her.
The redhead looks up at her, eyes full of tears. She bites her lip.
“What do you need, right now? Coffee, food—”
“Can you just—” Lily gets out, swallowing hard. “Can you just take me home?”
Jordan smiles softly, pulling Lily back in for another embrace as the redhead’s face crumples again.
******
It’s decided, eventually, that home is Jordan’s place, not Lily’s studio, as Jordan adamantly refuses to leave Lily alone. So, after a quick note to Garret explaining their absences for the next few days and a harrowing drive, first to Lily’s for some clothes, then to Jordan’s, both rides with Jordan’s hand stretching across the console to intertwine with Lily’s, they arrive at Jordan’s apartment.
Jordan sends Lily straight to bed and calls Woody, asking if he can bring over a few groceries, and she’ll explain when he gets there.
So that’s how Jordan finds herself awake a few hours after midnight, opening the door to Woody, her damp hair down and soaking her shoulders.
“Hey,” he says, passing her the bag.
“Thanks.” Jordan takes it and heads into the kitchen, motioning him to follow her.
He does, shutting her door behind him. “So, what’s the emergency? Gotta say I don’t think anything can—”
“Lily’s mother died.” Woody closes his mouth, the horror visible on his face. “She’s crashing here for a few days, and I don’t want to leave her alone.”
Woody’s eyes dart towards the bedroom. “So, she’s—?”
Jordan doesn’t look at him, instead focusing on unpacking the food he brought. “Yeah, out like a light as soon as we got in. Woody I—”
She shakes her head. “She’s a complete wreak. I—I don’t know how to do this.”
She looks down, hands trembling, unable to pick up the last item in the bag. In a moment, Woody’s beside her, placing it on the counter and shoving the bag away.
“Hey,” he says softly, and she looks up at him, tears in her eyes.
“Hey,” he says again, and Jordan falls into his open arms.
He holds her like that, tightly, not unlike how she held Lily, two hours before. But this was different. There were no feelings here –at least on her side– that were more than platonic or familial. She loves Woody, she really does, but she doesn’t feel the same breathtaking way about him that she feels about Lily. Only Lily.
“It’s okay,” he says softly, rubbing her back. “You don’t have to have all the answers. I’m sure Lily doesn’t expect you to.”
Jordan pulls away, shaking her head. “I feel like I should. I know what it’s like to lose a mother. Maybe not one like Lily’s but—”
“It doesn’t have to be the same,” Woody says gently. “Just say you understand. That you’re here for her. Those kinds of things help in my experience.”
Neither of them brings up the fact that Woody lost his mother young too.
Jordan shrugs, sniffing. “I guess you’re right. But Woody I—”
He nods, letting her go. “I know. But you don’t have to tell her now. Maybe ever.”
Jordan looks down, squeezing her hand into a tight fist, letting her nails dig into her skin. “Then how do I explain why I’m doing this?”
“You don’t have to.” Woody says and Jordan scoffs. “You don’t! Just say you care about her. She’s done the same for you, many times over.”
Jordan looks back up at Woody, guilt and shame filling her. Why hadn’t she been there for Lily today? Lily had always been there for her, no matter what.
“I—I should’ve been there. Today, I mean. Why wasn’t I—"
Woody stops her midsentence, taking her hands in his, smoothing them out of the fists she hadn’t noticed she made. She looks up at him, tears filling her eyes.
“You couldn’t, Jordan. Trust me. Walcott had you doing all you could about Parker. She needed you. And Garret, well—”
A shriek from the bedroom cuts him off. Jordan pulls her hands out of Woody’s just as a soft but scared— “Jordan?” fills the air.
Jordan steps back, wiping her eyes. “Thanks, uh, for the food. I’d better—”
She gestures towards the bedroom and Woody nods. “I’ll see myself out.”
*******
She doesn’t want to go into the bedroom. Doesn’t want to face Lily. In fact, if she could, she would’ve stayed in the kitchen with Woody all night. Because what she feels for Lily scares her. It scares her so bad that she’d almost rather flee town like she usually does at the first sign of trouble. Almost.
The light is on when she finally pushes open the glass door of the bedroom. Lily sits up in bed, red hair a mess, looking like a sad angel in the halo of light.
“Lily?” she asks softly, sitting on the bed. “What’s wrong?”
There’s a pause, and Jordan’s heart breaks as she watches Lily struggle not to cry.
“I uh-could you... maybe, hold me?” Lily asks once she’s gotten the tears under control.
Jordan’s sure a hundred emotions flick over her face but she just smiles slightly and shuts off the light, getting into bed next to Lily.
“Nightmare?” she teases gently as she settles her arms around the other woman, her breath hitching as she finds that Lily’s trembling.
“Of a sort.” Lily sniffs and Jordan finds herself pulling Lily in even tighter.
“Better?” she whispers as Lily’s trembling subsides some.
She feels Lily nod in the dark. “Yeah, thanks.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Jordan winces slightly. Maybe not the best time for that.
But Lily sniffs loudly and curls closer to Jordan. It’s like sending a burning match straight through the dark-haired woman and she takes a hitching breath as Lily finally speaks, so softly: “I don’t want to lose you too.”
The statement shocks Jordan into silence. Sure, she’s been known to run, especially when things get hard. But not from Lily. Never from Lily. As much as sometimes she might want to.
“You won’t,” she whispers into the dark eventually, her fingers aching to trace Lily’s face. “I promise you won’t.”
*******
The next morning dawns dark, full of storm clouds and rain threatening to fall long and hard.
Jordan wakes slowly, confused at the warmth behind her and how safe she feels. She opens her eyes slowly, the glass walls of her bedroom coming into focus around her.
Oh, she thinks as the events of the previous night come back to her and her heart quickens. Lily.
She can feel her, curled up against her back, breathing slowly and evenly. Jordan pulls away as carefully as she can and sits up, turning to look at the other woman. Even asleep Lily is beautiful, perfect to Jordan’s careful eye. The way her red hair falls so delicately on her face, covering her shut eyes that when open, are such a delightful shade of blue.
Lily sighs in her sleep and Jordan freezes, afraid to be caught staring. So, she pulls the blankets back over Lily’s sleeping form and heads out into the main apartment, careful to shut the door behind her.
*******
It’s not that long after, as Jordan finishes setting up the coffee maker, that Lily pads into the kitchen, clad in one of Jordan’s many cozy blankets.
“Hi,” Jordan says, smiling slightly as Lily’s eyes flick up to meet hers. “Want any breakfast?”
Lily shakes her head, settling herself on one of the barstools. “Maybe just coffee.”
Jordan nods, coming to sit next to Lily. “It should be done soon.”
A slightly uncomfortable silence settles between them. Lily sniffs, rubbing her nose slightly.
“I’m sorry,” she says finally, glancing up at Jordan. “I feel like I shouldn’t be here.”
“What? Of course you should!”
“But I—” Lily swallows hard. “You’re missing work for me and I’m... I’m just a wreak.”
Jordan’s heart breaks again for Lily and she reaches for the other woman, grasping her hands in her own. Lily looks up at her, tears in her blue eyes.
“Stay, please. My vacation days needed to be used anyway.”
Lily laughs slightly at that, her gaze falling to where Jordan holds her hands. Jordan’s cheeks warm, slightly, and lets go, just as the timer on the coffee marker dings. She gets up to fill the cups and returns, handing one to Lily who takes it carefully.
“Thanks,” Lily says, looking down as her fingers wrapped around the warm mug. “I really appreciate it.”
“Of course,” Jordan sips her coffee. Ugh, hot.
There’s another pause, slight, as Lily seems to gather her thoughts.
“Honestly Jordan... you might be the only person in the world who understands me.”
Jordan looks down, smiling slightly. “Well, not in the whole world. Maybe just Boston.”
Lily laughs at that, and Jordan looks up, and her smile grows. Maybe Lily will be okay.
***
They spend the day watching tv and sappy movies. Lily doesn’t cry but they also don’t talk, not even when Jordan gets up to order food. But it’s okay. She knows Lily will talk when she’s ready.
That night, Lily calls for her as Jordan’s getting ready for bed.
Lily’s already bundled in bed, at least four blankets tucked around her. She looks so cute like that Jordan can’t help but—
“Why?” Lily says instead and all thoughts leave Jordan’s brain. “Why are you here with me?”
She opens her mouth, but Lily continues. “And don’t say it’s your vacation days again.”
Jordan laughs slightly and shrugs. “Why not? I-I lo-I care about you.” She stumbles over the impossible to say word. “I wanted to be with you, in the hospital but—”
Jordan looks down and Lily reaches forward to gently touch Jordan’s cheek, forcing her to meet the redhead’s eyes. “You were needed on the case. It’s okay.”
The dark-haired woman shakes her head, moving out of Lily’s reach. “Garret didn’t tell me your... well that the situation had progressed. I swear—”
“I understand, Jordan. I-I would’ve loved having you there, but I guess it was something I had to do on my own.” A tear slips out and Lily wipes it away before Jordan can move. “I just wish I wasn’t so mean to her. B-before, I mean.” Lily sniffs, squeezing her eyes tightly closed.
Jordan puts her hand on Lily’s and the other woman looks up through tear-stained eyes.
“There are always regrets, Lily. But your mother knew you loved her. I promise you that.”
Lily sobs at that and forgetting every wall she’s ever put in place when it comes to Lily, Jordan shoves away all the blankets to pull Lily in close. She doesn’t care if Lily thinks it’s strange. She just needs to hold her.
“I’m always here,” she says quietly. “I’m always here if you need me.”
Lily sniffs, shifting so she can look up at Jordan.
“Why? Why me? I’m not special. In all the years I’ve known you you’ve never been one to offer things like that, even with Garret.”
Fuck, she’s right. Jordan swallows, suddenly nervous. How do I spin it not to reveal my... anything.
“You are special, Lily.” She starts. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. Why wouldn’t I want to be here for you?”
“But why? I haven’t done anything to deserve it. I-I was mean to my—”
“Of course you have, you exist, Lily.” Jordan bites her lip, shutting her eyes so she doesn’t have to look at the other woman while she spills some of her feelings. “You are special, okay? To me, to everyone. I haven’t forgotten all the times that you were there for me, with the key, that night you stayed over, or even that hug after you called Stiles on me.”
Lily hiccups, somewhere between a laugh and a sob.
“And now it’s my turn to be there for you.” Jordan opens her eyes as Lily breaks down into tears again.
Jordan holds her tight, letting her cry for however long she needs to, but still wishing she could’ve said every word on the tip of her tongue.
*******
The next day is much of the same, with coffee, no talking, and shitty tv, but this time Lily requests Gilmore Girls and to both of their surprise, Jordan finds a few episodes tapped on her DVR.
They’ve just made their way through the last episode, a particularly funny one about Luke and Lorelai getting together for the first time, when Lily takes the remote and turns off the TV.
“Jordan.” Lily says, sounding more serious than she’s sounded all day. “I-I think we should go back to work tomorrow.”
Jordan nods. “Sure, whatever you think.” She stands to take a mug back to the kitchen.
“Jordan.” She turns back, finding Lily still on the couch. “That’s all you have to say?”
Jordan shrugs. “I mean, it was always your choice. I’m sure there’s a lot of arrangements you have to make. I knew this couldn’t last forever.”
Lily’s quiet and for a moment Jordan thinks she’s said something wrong. But what? This just the way it has to be.
Lily nods, smiling tightly. “Right, uh, that’s true.”
Jordan doesn’t know what to say. Lily didn’t... Lily couldn’t—
But she doesn’t have time to think anymore because Lily stands.
“I think I’ll take a shower if that’s okay.” She says, her face closed over.
Jordan nods, every coherent thought gone in an instant. Lily smiles and heads towards the bathroom without another word.
Jordan puts her head in her hands. Why couldn’t she have said she wanted Lily to stay?
*******
The next morning dawns brighter but still cloudy, the extra light nearly giving Jordan a headache. But Lily’s calming presence is still behind her, though not for much longer as Jordan feels the other woman begin to extract herself from their embrace. She stays still, not wanting to let Lily know that she’s awake, but as soon as the other woman’s soothing warmth is gone, Jordan sits up and gets dressed on her own.
The next time she comes into the bedroom, after making coffee, Lily is sitting there, her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, with the bed made.
“Oh,” Jordan says. “Sorry.”
“Nothing to apologize for.” The redhead says sharply then shakes her head. “Sorry, I just turned on my cell and have like a hundred missed calls.”
Jordan nods, sitting next to Lily. “Well, that’s the kind of thing that’s bound to happen if you ignore it for two days.”
Lily smiles slightly and looks down. “I’m sorry about last night, I don’t know why I snapped at you.”
“I—” Jordan starts, thinking Lily has nothing to apologize for but Lily continues.
“I guess I just... didn’t want this to end. I...” Lily bites her lip, looking back up at Jordan.
“Lily...” she starts but then Lily leans forward and kisses her, softly, just once, and all thoughts fly out of her head.
Too soon it’s over and Jordan is left blinking, sitting on her bed with Lily who has gone bright red.
“Oh fuck,” Lily says, taking a shuddering breath. “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—”
“It’s okay—” Jordan starts, barely able to form words and just wishing more than anything that they could do that again when Lily’s phone buzzes.
“Uh, that’s Nigel,” Lily says, standing, and Jordan jumps up as Lily rushes through the apartment. “I’d better go, I’m sorry, I’ll see you at work.”
And just like that, Lily’s gone and Jordan’s left standing at her door, finger to her lips, wishing that there was more left of Lily in her apartment than just the sweet taste on her lips.