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“You didn’t think to mention that you had a twin?” Buck asks the moment Tommy opens his front door. It hadn’t even fully opened yet. “Like, an identical twin?”
Tommy falters as he reaches out to hug Buck. That was the last thing he expected. “What?”
“I saw some guy earlier who looked exactly like you. I mean, down to the cleft. This wasn’t just a regular lookalike, this was you. I mean, not you. But. Yeah. He was in a S.W.A.T. uniform. Which, by the way, looked really goo–”
“Evan,” Tommy mutters, already feeling a headache growing at his temples. He reaches up to squeeze the bridge of his nose as he shuffles Buck inside and closes the door. “Yes. That’s… that’s Donovan. My twin brother.”
“How come you never mentioned him? Can I meet him? Is he like you? Do you see each other often? Are you close? Did you–”
“Evan, slow down, baby.” Dropping a gentle hand on Buck’s shoulder, Tommy leads him toward the kitchen table. He waits for him to sit down and a pit grows in his stomach at the excited smile on his face. How is he supposed to break this to him? He’s always been as honest about his life as he can, especially when Buck’s been so open with his own past in the few months they’ve known each other, but there are things he doesn’t like to share. Not because he doesn't trust him, but because he can’t bring himself to speak about it. He keeps his past as vague as possible, not lying per se but simply omitting the truth. “Um, well. Okay. I’ll try and answer all those questions in order. That sound good?”
Buck’s eyebrows furrow then as if finally noticing Tommy’s nervousness. He looks him up and down and squints, trying to read him. It’d be cute if Tommy isn’t currently trying to calm the rapid beating in his chest. “Am I, am I overstepping? I’ve been told I tend to do that. Sorry, I– I guess I just got excited. I mean, you have a twin brother! That is so cool! But you don’t have to answer those questions. I mean it. We can talk about something else.”
Tommy sighs and shakes his head. “I… I don’t know. I mean, you were gonna have to find all this out at some point. I just didn’t know it’d be so soon.”
“We can talk about it another time, Tommy, I’m sorry.”
“No, kid. It’s… it’s okay.” He takes a moment to organise his thoughts as he pushes down the nausea curling in his stomach, offering Buck a small smile. “So to answer your questions…”
Tommy tells Buck everything.
He tells him about how his dad used to be an alcoholic; how he’d get too handsy with his mother and too violent with him and Donovan. How there was never a time when he felt like he could breathe. Not when every waking moment was spent in fear, especially after their mother had passed. Not when he never knew if he’d survive childhood.
But he tried his best.
He tried hard in school. Promised himself that he’d get straight A’s no matter what. Promised himself that if no one was proud of him, he would be. Even when people cowered under his gaze. Even when people spread rumours about him. Even when people thought he was just like his father.
Donovan, however, grew in popularity. He had friends, he had people who cared for him. Life wasn’t easy for him either, of course, but he had people to talk to about it. Had a support system. Practically grew it himself.
The only person Tommy had was Donovan.
And he did have him, for a while. They were inseparable as children. As most twins are, really. But Donovan tried to see their dad’s good side–a side that didn’t exist–whereas Tommy wanted nothing to do with him. They could never see eye-to-eye after that.
And they’d simply drifted apart. Even when they agreed on something, there was heat behind it. Tension. An argument just waiting to happen.
Which meant Tommy had no one. No reason to stay. So the moment he could, the very day he turned eighteen, he was running off to the army. Leaving Donovan alone to fend for himself. He’d checked in on him over the years, aware that he’d made a name for himself over at the LAPD, had joined S.W.A.T. and even become team leader, but he never thought there was a chance of reconnecting. He found it admirable though that, despite their differences, they both found themselves in a career where they could save people. Make a difference. Change the world. Just like they'd always dreamed.
But aside from that, he has no clue what type of man Donovan is. Not anymore. And he fears he never will.
“And I’ve felt guilty ever since,” Tommy finishes with a sigh, nervously playing with Buck’s hands. “And that’s that, I guess. I don’t… I don’t know. I know he had people but… I still left him. All alone in that house with a man he was so desperate to please.”
“Wow…” Buck says after a while. It’s more of a breath than anything. His eyes are wide and misty, his lips parting but nothing coming out. He looks distraught. It breaks Tommy’s heart. “That’s… a lot. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” Tommy shrugs, even when he knows that’s not true. It took him years, decades, to get over it all. To push through his past rather than run from it. Even now, he still struggles. “Life is just like that sometimes.”
“But it shouldn’t be,” Buck replies, voice firm. He squeezes Tommy’s hand in his, tilting his head to catch his gaze. “Hey. It’s not nothing, okay? What you went through was awful, you don’t have to minimise the pain you felt to make me more comfortable.”
And wow. Tommy’s breath catches at that. He knows that Buck is smart, knows that he’s been through so much and came out of it all a stronger and wiser man, but it still takes him by surprise. He thinks about how the 118 talk about him–all fond smiles and happy tales, of course, but still playing it off like he’s just some dumb kid. Like he doesn’t quite understand the world. As if he’s completely oblivious to everything around him. And Tommy knows that’s not true, of course he does–he sees Buck in a way no one ever really has, he sees him for what he truly is–but still. The raw look in his eyes, the way those words fall so easily from his lips, even the comforting smile he sends him. It works better than any overpriced therapy session ever did. “Okay,” Tommy breathes, finally feeling some tension he’s been carrying around his whole life beginning to melt away. He nods, lets a small smile tug at his lips, and squeezes Buck’s hand. “Okay. I won’t.”
“Good,” Buck smiles, leaning over to press a sweet kiss to his cheek. It lights Tommy on fire from the inside out. “So, uh, why is he called Rocker?”
Tommy huffs out a laugh. Now this is something he can talk about without feeling like he’s cracking his chest open and letting his heart spill out all over the floor. “It’s a cool ass name, kid. If you had a chance to pick between Kinard and Rocker, isn’t the answer fairly obvious?”
“I don’t know,” Buck shrugs, a sly smile tugging at his lips. “If I had a chance to be a Kinard…”
Tommy splutters, fighting back a blush. “Evan.”
“Sorry,” Buck replies, hiding his face in his hands. “I couldn’t resist.”
“What am I gonna do with you, hey?” Tommy chuckles, leaning forward to rest a hand on Buck’s thigh.
“Maybe meet up with Donovan with me?” Buck asks, his face immediately dropping as if he hadn’t meant to say that. He opens and closes his mouth once, twice, three times, before shaking his head with a sigh. “I, I mean, uh, I don’t… Sorry. That was a lot to ask.”
“It’s okay,” Tommy says, rubbing Buck’s thigh. “I know you mean well. It’s just… I don’t know if I’m ready. It’s been almost thirty years since I last saw him and it still feels too soon.”
Buck nods in understanding. “I don’t know if this helps but if I had a chance, any chance, to see Daniel…”
Tommy feels guilt curl low in his stomach. Here he is talking about not wanting to see his brother–his very alive and breathing brother–and Buck will never have the chance to see his own. Letting out a deep sigh, exhausted from revealing so much, all he can do is nod and say, “I’ll think about it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Now, how about we order in and stick on a movie?”
Buck grins. “As long as it’s not ‘Love, Actually’ again.”
“No promises,” Tommy chuckles, pressing a chaste kiss to Buck’s lips and standing up to find his phone. “Does Thai food sound good?”
***
A few days later, Buck finds himself at Maddie’s. He isn’t usually one for dropping in unannounced but he had no clue he was heading her way until he was pulling up into the driveway. Something was eating away at him and Maddie could tell from just one look, knowing him too well.
Which is how he finds himself at her coffee table, talking through the situation with Tommy and Donovan. “I just, I don’t understand!”
Maddie purses her lips. “Did you tell him that?”
“Well, no. I said I’d support him with whatever decision he makes.”
Her worried look melts away into something rather fond. “Wow.”
“What?”
“You’ve just changed so much over the years. I’m really proud of you for that.”
Buck smiles and ducks his head, waving her off but unable to stop smiling. “Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that I want Tommy to see his brother again. I don’t want him to regret never getting a chance to reconnect. Especially…” he trails off, face completely falling. He clears his throat and shrugs, avoiding Maddie’s eyes. “Especially in this line of work.”
“I understand,” she replies, reaching out to put a comforting hand on his arm. “But you can’t force him. Maybe… maybe he doesn’t want to get close because of this line of work. I mean, what if he’s scared to know him in case he loses him?”
“But wouldn’t you… I mean, given the chance, wouldn’t you want to know Daniel again?”
Maddie tenses, her eyes growing sad. She squeezes Buck’s arm once more before dropping her hand to her coffee mug. “That’s, that’s different. You know that’s different. Daniel died, Buck. He’s gone.”
“And Donovan isn’t. I don’t want Tommy to regret this decision.”
“And he doesn’t need you to make it for him,” Maddie replies slowly. “Especially when you don’t understand it. He doesn’t need you to fix him.”
“But maybe he does,” Buck counters, waving his hands to emphasize his point. If only Maddie could understand what he means. “Maybe that’s what I’m here for. I couldn’t ‘fix’ Daniel so maybe– maybe I can fix Tommy.”
“Buck…”
“No, Maddie. I know what I have to do.”
Sighing, Maddie nods. “I know I can’t stop you. Just… as long as it doesn’t hurt him, okay? I know you really care for him, and he really cares for you. I don’t want this to blow up in your face.”
“I know, and it won’t.” Buck lets a small smile grow on his face. “I want Tommy to be happy and I know that this is eating away at him. If I can just… get them in the same room, then maybe… maybe–”
“They can work it out?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I hope they do.”
“Yeah,” Buck exhales, “me too.”
***
“Did you know he’s married?” Buck asks as he packs away groceries at Tommy’s, almost two weeks later.
Tommy looks up at him, confused, before realisation crosses his face and he sighs. “Evan, please.”
“Her name is Val. That’s all I know.”
“I know,” Tommy says nonchalantly, closing one cupboard and opening another. “Saw it on Facebook.”
“But not in person. Doesn’t that bother you?”
Tommy sighs again. “It does. It really does. But that doesn’t matter anymore, Evan. If he wanted me there, he would have invited me.”
“And do you ever think that he did?”
“What?”
“I spoke to him and–”
“You what?” There’s an edge to Tommy’s voice that makes Buck falter. “Evan… what did you do?”
“I reached out to him,” Buck replies as if it’s the most simplest thing in the world. “I, I know you said you’d think about it, seeing him I mean, but you never bought it up again. And I– I did want to respect your wishes–I do –but I saw him again. And I just. I don’t know. Found myself talking to him before I could even think. I mean, it has to mean something right? Seeing him twice this month when I’d never seen him before? That has to be a sign, right?”
“Maybe you just never noticed him before.”
“I think I would have noticed him,” Buck says cheekily. At Tommy’s exasperated expression though, he grows more serious. “Okay, sorry. That wasn’t– yeah. Anyway. So I spoke to him… and he agreed to meet up.”
Tommy looks like he just short-circuited. “Agreed too… What? You… What? What did you say to him exactly?”
“Um, that I know you. And you might be interested in meeting him.”
“Just that? That you know me? Not that we’re… that you’re my boyfriend?”
“I made sure not to mention that,” Buck says with complete sincerity, reaching out to slide his hand comfortingly over Tommy’s hip. “I know you’re comfortable with who you are now but you weren’t always. I’m not gonna out you, Tommy. I promise.”
Tommy visibly relaxes. “Okay. Thank you.” He inhales deeply, holding it for a few moments before exhaling slowly and relaxing more. “So he… he wants to meet? Like, really wants to meet?”
“He does, yeah. And he seemed really excited, too.”
Doubt flashes across his face. “Really?”
“Yeah. He seems pretty awesome. And funny, too. I mean, we only spoke for, like, five minutes, but the way he spoke about you? The way his eyes lit up when I mentioned you’d wanna see him sometime? He misses you, Tommy. He misses you as much as you miss him.”
“Okay,” Tommy whispers, flinching in a way that suggests he even surprised himself with that. He takes a deep breath and nods firmly, accepting his decision. “Okay, I’ll do it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll meet him.”
***
Tommy feels like he might have a heart attack. Like, genuinely. His heart is pounding so violently in his chest he’s sure that this is it. That his last day ever is going to be spent sitting in a shady bar surrounded by the rowdiest bunch of men he’s ever heard. It’d be a way to go, that’s for sure, but he always hoped that he’d go out in a blaze of glory.
Too caught up in his own head, he doesn’t realise Buck is sitting next to him again until he reaches out and presses a comforting hand to his shoulder. “Hey,” Buck says, lips quirking up into a gentle smile. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Tommy breathes out, nodding far too intensely. “Great. Fine. Awesome.” He glances at his watch. “When did he say he’ll be here again?”
Buck tilts Tommy’s arm towards him to look at his watch even though he has his own. Tommy finds the gesture adorable and it calms him down just a little. “About now.”
“So he’s late.”
“I wouldn’t say late,” Buck replies, twisting off the cap of a beer bottle and handing it to Tommy who takes it and relishes in the coldness against his sweaty palm. “I’d say he’s– Oh! Just on time!”
And there he is. Donovan Kinard.
Donovan Rocker.
He looks… well, he looks exactly as Tommy expected. It’s kind of scary, actually. Seeing him again. He spent his childhood and teenage years acutely aware that he had, in the simplest terms, a clone. Someone who looked just like him. But after he moved away and rewrote himself, it slipped his mind that someone out there was wearing his face.
So this is what it must feel like, he thinks, recalling all the times someone would tell him that it was creepy to have an identical twin. That it was weird. This is how people see us. This is what I look like.
It takes him far too long to realise that he’s staring. Like a creep.
“Hi.”
Well, that was pathetic.
It doesn’t seem to deter Donovan though, who smiles at him. Not a full smile, but a rather muted one. Awkward. Nervous. Tommy feels some tension melt away from his shoulders once he realises that his brother is just as anxious as he is.
“Hey,” Donovan replies. He’s still standing beside the table, hands at his side. “It’s– It’s been a while.”
Tommy finally finds the strength to push himself up so that he’s face-to-face with Donovan. “It has,” he nods, reaching out with his hand. He’s not sure what to do but a handshake feels natural. It feels right. “You’re looking good.”
“Now, now,” Donovan starts, smirking so hard his nose scrunches up. “We both know that’s just you and your big ego talking.”
And then he’s hugging Tommy.
As if it’s second nature. As if it hasn’t been almost thirty years since they last saw each other. Even longer since they last did something as intimate as hug. Tommy honest to god feels something settle in his chest. Something feels different. Something just clicks.
He can finally breathe.