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For once, as you hold them, you swear his hands are warmer than yours.
He had taken his gloves moments ago. The minute he stepped into your bedroom, in fact. Ciel only just went shouting for him, and here he is- already ready to serve. Ready to serve you . You couldn’t be more grateful. But your worsening condition is starting to make it hard for you to think in ways you should.
With the curtains drawn and the light of the sun being snuffed out by a moody sky and a precious rainstorm, you can’t see much. But even with all the light in your room, would you even be able to see anything at all ? Your vision has been failing you. Your hearing has gone a little as well with all the fevers. Everything has been a blur of faces and sounds that always come from too far away. You only recognized him when he stepped up to your bed and sat by your side. You only recognized him when brushed your hair away from your face and took your hands in his.
You only recognize him because you know that he’s all you have if you want to survive. If you want to live . And that scares you. That scares you so much that you can’t even begin to bear the thought of it. Of options other than living, side by side and looking after your little brother. Of options other than dying of old age many, many, many years down the line.
So you have to…you have to try.
“ Sebastian…” Your voice utters his name in a whisper, soft and nearly broken. “Sebastian…I-”
Your throat and your chest ache as you speak, but you know you have to do this. You know you have to take this chance. You’re done holding on to hope. You’re done seeing doctors and physicians. You’re done praying to gods you know that aren’t there. Gods that you know would never listen to so much as a single word you would murmur. This is all you have. The only chance you have.
But then he hushes you.
A single, gloveless finger presses itself to your lips. He starts to lean in close. Close enough that you finally can see him. That sharp, handsome face. Pale skin. Narrow red eyes. Perfectly sculpted features. A soft expression. One that he seems to only hold for you. And his lips. Lips that used to sing your praises . Lips that used to whisper such dirty things into your ears . Lips that you used to kiss. Lips that you’ll miss kissing. You’ll miss him. Oh, how you’ll miss him…
You don’t realize that you’ve slipped your hands from his and started slowly reaching a hand out to cup the side of his face until he grabbed your hand back. He’s so kind and sweet and gentle as he guides your hand to his face and presses his lips to it. He delivers soft kisses to every inch of your palm, the back of your hand, and every little joint left in your fingers. Not a single speck of skin is left untouched. And he’s so careful with his fangs. He’s so mindful with his nails. And so accommodating as your body struggles to lift up a simple arm.
In this moment, he still puts you first. Unspoken requests. Unspoken desires. He still puts you first.
And so it’s hard to imagine that this man is a demon. It’s hard to imagine that the only reason that the main reason he has been around so long- serving you and your brother so faithfully is because he desires to one day see his contract fulfilled so he may consume your brother’s soul. It’s so hard for you to imagine that. Even before you fell so, so very ill. Because the love you hold for this many is real. It is so terribly real .
And you always dared to think that the love he has shown for you has been just as real .
“ Sebastian…” You say again, your voice quivering under the weight of a heavy pair of lungs and a rapidly dying body. His eyes turn towards you. An attentive stare as always, half hidden behind the strands of hair covering his face. His lips are still pressing themselves against your palm. And you just can’t believe how warm he feels compared to you. It’s terrifying. It’s absolutely terrifying. And it only serves to remind you of what’s coming. Of what’s happening. Of what you need to do. To prevent the future. To fight against the inevitable. To live. “ Sebastian…please! I…I don’t want to die… ”
It’s the first thing that came to mind. Those words were, at least. The first thing to come to your fever-addled mind. They are words you have said before. Words you have said before just before meeting him at that. But it’s the truth nonetheless.
You don’t want to die.
You don’t want to die.
“ Your soul is weak ,” Sebastian responds simply . Red eyes narrow and lips set into a straight line. A look that betrays nothing . “ Fragile ”
But a look that betrays you .
Because it cuts into you- his retort. His tone is so plain. So cold. So uncaring. Tears start to well up in your eyes. You let out a harsh breath - one that struggles to leave your lungs as your heart starts to feel a little heavier than usual. And beat a little slower at the same time. Your body runs cold yet warms at the same time. Embarrassment? Shutting down? Slipping between the cracks? As your eyes start to flutter close and your lips start to quiver and your body starts to shake, you can’t help but let the pain and heartbreak and defeat wash over you.
You have no strength to find it off. In fact, you don’t think have the strength to fight anything off. Not him . And certainly not the illness that plagues you. In another life, you’ll apologize to Ciel. Because you doubt you’ll have enough time here. Because your head feels so, so heavy. And your body is moving so, so slow. And so all you can do is lay back on your pillow.
All you can do is regret and suffer.
Because you should have known. You should have known that with every moment the two of you shared, he thought only of your value to him . Of how you should would taste. You should have known that there was never any love behind those eyes. Never any affection behind those kisses. You should have known, you should have known, you should have known, you should have known! And still, you can’t help but feel like it was all real.
And maybe it was. For a moment, at least.
But you won’t know. At least, you won’t know until your head stops hurting. You won’t know until your body stops feeling so heavy. You won’t know until you’re finally able to hear as you once did. You won’t know until you’re finally able to see as you once did. Exist as you once did. Live as you once did. And maybe that will be in the next life. Or maybe…
“...But I don’t need to consume you to keep you forever.”
…maybe that will be in whatever life Sebastian chooses for you.
“ I know how to take what’s rightfully mine.”
…if he even needs to choose at all.