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One unfortunate consequence of Sieun’s upbringing was a complete inability to just say what he wants. Or even what he needs. It was hellish enough for him to work up the nerve to ask Suho out, and he had only just decided to lock in and do it, when Suho confessed first.
Sieun found out that day that when it came to feelings, it was easiest to wait for someone else to put an option in front of him. Then, he could just nod or shake his head. And it would be done with.
This method of going about things has served him well. When Suho first took Sieun’s hand in his, Sieun had flinched but hadn’t moved away. Suho gave him a look. Is this ok? And Sieun nodded. Because it was. He’d wanted to hold Suho’s hand like this for months, but hadn’t had the courage.
The same went for hugs, cuddling, fleeting touches to his face or waist, the gentle kisses in Sieun’s hair. It all began tentatively, cautiously, like Suho didn’t want to overstep. But he was acutely unaware of how much Sieun longed for each step forward. Each new progression of how the two showed their affection.
It was agonizing for Sieun.
If only you could just tell, Sieun would think.
But Suho was no mind reader, and that wasn’t how relationships worked, either way. Sieun wasn’t oblivious, he knew that. But it was so embarrassing. What was he supposed to say?
“I want you to hug me. I want you to kiss me. I want you to hold me.”
They were embarrassing things to say. And the prospect of rejection, even if Suho would let him down kindly, terrified Sieun.
He knew rejection all too well.
“Dad, hug me please.” Sieun would call out, just a child again. All he saw in front of him was the expanse of his father’s back to him.
“Not now, Sieun. I have to catch my flight.”
Sieun would hug his pillow to sleep that night. It caught and dried his silent tears.
When Sieun did well on his spelling quizzes, his mother would give him a peck on the cheek.
“That’s my son. I’m so proud of you.”
Sieun’s heart would swell. He’d study hard for every quiz and test after that. Give his all on every assignment. And every time, his mother would reward him the same.
But near the end of middle school, that changed.
“Mom, I aced my math test.”
His mother was in a rush to leave, double checking if she had all her stuff tucked safely in her purse.
“Hm? That’s nice Sieun. Just as we expected from you.”
Sieun stood expectantly.
“Are you going to give me a kiss? Or a hug?” He asked timidly.
Sieun’s mom chuckled.
“Ah, you’re a bit old for that, Sieun-ah! You’re not a little kid anymore, right? Anyway, make sure you eat and study, Mom has to leave now.”
Sieun stood frozen in the kitchen for half an hour. His perfect math test fluttered to the floor by his feet, soon to be entirely forgotten.
“-Sieun?” Suho’s voice tears Sieun out of his memories.
“Hm?” Sieun looks at him. They’re holding hands, and Suho’s thumb traces the hills and valleys of Sieun’s knuckles. The feeling makes Sieun flush pink. It was still a little embarrassing, to be doted on like that.
“Whatcha thinking about? You seemed deep in thought.”
“Did I?” Sieun asks. How did you notice? He thinks.
Suho nods. His eyes are glimmering with curiosity, as if Sieun’s answer is critical to the well-being of the entire universe. He cared too much about Sieun.
“It’s nothing,” Sieun assures Suho, “Don’t worry about it.”
Suho frowns but doesn’t push it.
“Spring break is around the corner. We should do something,” he says instead, smiling hopefully.
Sieun tilts his head. “Like what?” he asks.
Suho giggles. “The cherry blossoms should be in full bloom soon. Let’s go see them.”
Sieun closes his eyes and imagines the pink petals fluttering to the ground all around him and Suho. Couples would walk past, smiling and laughing. But they would be in their own world. Then, Suho’s lips would meet Sieun’s, and a breeze would blow by, sweeping them up along with the flowers.
Sieun opens his eyes and clears his throat, ears feeling hot. He must be reading too many webtoons.
“Oh. Romantic. Sure,” he croaks.
Suho laughs and ruffles his hair, bumping their foreheads together.
“You’re so cute, Sieun-ah.”
“Hey,” Sieun swats at Suho halfheartedly, “Stop that.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Nooo!”
A pout. “Where’s my pen?”
Suho jumps up. Running to the other end of the room, pointing at Sieun accusingly.
“Hey! Don’t hurt me!”
Sieun laughs, and Suho’s expression melts.
The cherry blossoms really are beautiful. They decorate the trees spectacularly, and the fallen petals cover the path the two walk on. In shows he’s watched, people confess their love in moments like these, surrounded by pink flowers and love.
Sieun can see that in action as he walks hand in hand with Suho. A boy their age confessing to a girl, who beams and jumps at him, pulling him into a hug. Another couple sitting at the foot of a tree, one girl holding her girlfriend’s hand in hers and pressing gentle kisses to her knuckles. Sieun’s heart warms. That’s something Suho did with him.
Sieun squeezes Suho’s hand gently, and gives him a small smile when he turns to look at him. Suho returns it with three times the brightness.
They continue their stroll through the park, and Sieun continues to people-watch. Friends gather around on a blanket to share food and laughter, families and their small children gaze with awe at the pretty sights around them.
One particular couple catches his eye. Two boys walk together, holding hands and smiling at each other. Just like Suho and Sieun. But Sieun can tell that there’s no hesitance with them. The shorter one stops the taller, turns him around and kisses him. The one on the receiving end of the affection reciprocates almost immediately.
Sieun wishes he could be that bold. He wishes he could just kiss Suho, and not be scared of rejection. Suho wouldn’t make him feel bad for asking, even if he didn’t want to kiss. And the prospect of being rejected was low, too. Sieun notices how Suho looks at him. How his gaze sometimes shifts down to Sieun’s lips as he speaks, then snaps back up when he realizes.
He rids himself of the thought. Today was too nice a day to be selfish with what he wants.
“Wow, there’s so many petals everywhere,” Suho notes, kicking some up from the path with his foot, “And there’s so many couples here too. Coming here single would be depressing, wouldn’t it?” he snickers. Sieun shrugs.
“Yeah, but some people enjoy being single.”
“Did you?” Suho teases, expecting him to get flustered and give a funny response.
“No, I didn’t,” Sieun replies bluntly, not trying to avoid the question. Suho blinks before his lips stretch into a fond smile.
“I know that. You love me too much,”
Sieun huffs. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“Ahh, cute… You’re so cute I could just kiss you.”
Sieun pauses, brain short circuiting. Kiss him? Suho wanted to kiss him. Sieun had never kissed anyone before. Heck, he’d never even thought about it. Having his first kiss here… would be nice. And what could go wrong, right?
“Sieun-ah?” Suho’s voice brings Sieun back to reality.
“Huh?”
“Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable? I was just saying that, I’m not trying to rush you… Sorry Sieunnie.” Suho’s eyes are wide and concerned. He probably felt bad, or like he was being inconsiderate. Sieun wants to let him know that it’s okay, that he doesn’t mind and that he wants to kiss Suho more than he knows.
“It’s okay…” Sieun says quietly, “I want to…” His words trail off, pink dusting his cheeks.
Suho holds both his hands now, looking at him attentively.
“Hm? What did you say?” he asks.
Sieun stares at the ground, fixated on a little pill bug crawling on the pavement.
“I want to…” he tries again, stopping to take a deep breath, “Iwanttokissyou.”
His delivery was embarrassing, and he felt every atom of his being light aflame with pure unbridled embarrassment.
Suho doesn’t say anything, then lets out a giggle. Sieun looks up, brows furrowed in surprise. Why is he laughing? Does he think Sieun’s joking? Does he think Sieun is silly for wanting a kiss? Maybe Sieun had been too bold. Maybe-
“Sieun, you’re so cute… Seriously, you're so cute. I can’t say anything else lately because that’s the truth, you’re adorable.” Suho beams, looks on top of the world.
“What?” Sieun asks, face completely pink.
“You finally asked for something! I’m so happy, Sieun,” Suho engulfs him in a big hug, ducking his smiling face into the space between Sieun’s neck and shoulder. “I’m so proud of you!”
Sieun wraps his arms around Suho, hugging him back. He can’t formulate any words, gears in his head turning round and round as he presses his palms into Suho’s back.
I’m so proud of you, the words ring in his ears. Of course, he’s heard them before. From his parents, from teachers. But it feels different now. Maybe because the words weren’t empty. Maybe because they actually meant Suho was proud of him, and not saying “I’m proud of you” as a placeholder for “You did what you were expected to do.”
Suho pulls back and holds Sieun by the shoulders, looking at him like he hung the stars in the sky.
“You really want to kiss me?” he asks, smiling uncontrollably.
Sieun nods. Then, with difficulty, says so.
“Yeah, I want to.”
Suho visibly tries to contain his excitement, hands shaking as they rest on Sieun’s waist. Sieun closes his eyes and takes a breath, waiting for the moment Suho’s lips meet his.
When the moment comes, Sieun feels as though his entire worldview changes. Everything is beautiful and everything is right. He is kissing Suho. Suho is kissing him.
His hands move up to wrap around Suho’s neck, leaning upward to get even closer. Suho kisses Sieun so gently, tenderly, as if he’s the most precious thing in the world, and Sieun feels so soft he could cry.
Suho’s going slow for him, since he has no experience. If his clumsiness is annoying to Suho, he was doing a good job at hiding it.
When they part, and Sieun opens his eyes, Suho looks like he came straight out of a drama. His eyes are warm, and his lips are shiny. Cherry blossom petals fall all around him, and some land in his hair, too. How someone could look so perfect, so beautiful, was beyond Sieun. Perfection didn’t exist until Ahn Suho was born.
Sieun swallows the lump in his throat. He doesn’t realize he’s been tearing up until Suho’s gentle hands come up and brush them away before they can fall.
“Are you ok?” he asks, hands not leaving Sieun’s face, holding it. Sieun nods.
“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m just… happy.” Happy. That was the word. “You make me so happy.”
Suho’s eyes widen, and his mouth falls open.
“Wow… Yeon Sieun, you’re gonna make me cry!” Suho exclaims, wrapping Sieun in his arms once more.
Sieun bites back a smile, then says one last thing to end his saga of emotional-ness for the day.
“Suho-ya, I love you.”
Suho sobs, and Sieun pats his back softly.
“God, Sieunnie, I love you too! I love you, Sieun-ah!”
Sieun smiles. He knows, he knows it all too well.