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Music fills my ears, as I browse the drinks, waiting for Ryan to show. Finally, he walks in, and we lock eyes.
"You came?" I say, a bit unsure.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I? I said I would, plus, ditching school; I can't pass that up. But why me? Don't you have friends?" Ryan teases.
"Firstly, you're my friend, Ryan. We've established that-" he cuts me off.
"I was kidding, I mean, why ask me to come when you've got other friends."
"You’re the only one I know who smokes, Ryan," I admit, though it's not the whole truth. I just wanted some alone time with him, away from my brother and the guys. They're cool, but
Ryan... he's different and I've liked him for ages.
It's complicated, liking someone so close to my brother, but I can't help it. Ryan's nice, funny, a great writer, so so so much more, and these feelings? They've been there for at least two years.
He nods, “What are we waiting for; let's get out of here.”
“Eager much,” I roll my eyes and pull him out of the store. “So whose horrible class did I save you from.”
“Mr Higgins…” He shudders, I look at him with sympathy and place my hand on his arm.
“I feel you.” I sigh in agreeance, “So Ryro, where’s your ideal spot?”
He thinks for a moment, “See normally I’d say swing set but it’s mid-day and school hours so…” He continues to think; aloud this time “Beach… No that would be funner at night.”
“How about a rooftop, it’s a cloudy day it’ll be vibey .”
Ryan visibly cringes at the word, “Ew don’t say vibey.”
“Why not?”
“There are so many more words to describe it, that was just gross.” He replies kind of monotonously.
“Ugh, okay Mr. Pays Attention in Language Arts class what would sound better?” I am mildly annoyed at his unnecessary criticism.
“Any word but vibey, and yeah I do pay attention in LA and you should really start 'cause it seems like you need it.” He is referencing the writing project that I asked him to help with a while back.
“Oh please it was great!” I glare at him, as he starts to giggle.
“It was only good cause I helped you write it.” Huge ego, I roll my eyes.
“It would’ve been great if I did it alone too.”
“Do I need to remind you what you had?” My eyes widen. Embarrassed I quickly shush him.
“Ryan, no.” I growl, “Don’t you dare!” It was useless.
He clears his throat , “One dreary afternoon, as Bob was aimlessly flipping through channels on his ancient TV, he stumbled upon a dusty VHS tape tucked away in the back of his closet. With a shrug and a yawn, Bob popped the tape into his equally ancient VCR and pressed play. To his surprise, the tape revealed a cheesy infomercial featuring a gadget so absurd it could only have been dreamed up by someone with way too much time on their hands. It was a time machine made out of cardboard boxes, tin foil, and a toaster oven.”
“Why do you have all that memorized, that’s a bit concerning.”
“Oh I can keep going,” He speaks as if he is proud of himself for remembering my horrible idea.
“Please don’t…”
He smiles to himself, “Fine whatever, memorized all that for nothing I guess.” He pretends to be hurt, “But yeah a rooftop works, you know it’s crazy that in all the time we’ve known each other we have not hung out alone once.”
“Yeah, it’s nice to have all your focus on me…” Fuck not thinking before I speak, “It’s just I mean that uh- We just never you know get to talk much with everyone engaging in one conversation.”
Ryan just hums in response, and I’m a little embarrassed. Not that it’s untrue; I love that I’m the only one he’s paying attention to. But now I sound like I have feelings for him. Not that, that’s untrue either, just I don’t want him to think I’m weird for liking him.
“So er- You know any rooftops that are easy to get onto?” I ask him moving away from the other topic before he can give it more thought.
“Well I know that the gym is, been up there a few times and we are close to it.”
“Well let’s go then!” I pull out a container from my bag, “All this weed ain’t going to smoke itself.”
—
Ryan was right getting up onto the rooftop was easy, for him. While he’s climbing up effortlessly, I'm stumbling missing my footing and overall just struggling, once at the top I stumble down, my body falling into his arms. But due to my sudden fall and the angle we are at he doesn't catch me and we topple over.
“Shit I’m so sorry!” I feel immediately horrible, I stand up and reach my hand out to help him up.
He just laughs “How the fuck did you struggle that bad to get up?!”
“It’s not my fault that you’re just so nimble!” I question my word choice.
“Nimble?” He smiles, “Big words, I’m impressed.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“You can certainly shut me up just gotta use that mouth of yours.”
I don’t know what to say in reply so we just kind of stand there awkwardly for a few moments
“Er… Wanna smoke now?”
“Yeah… Uh sorry” I unzip my bag and grab the container with a prerolled joint, and he glances down at it, “So prepared.”
“Yeah, I’ve been waiting to do this for a little while.”
“Waiting to do it with me or just in general?”
I shrug, “I dunno, up for you to decide.” I keep it vague in hopes of not raising any more suspicion than what already has been raised. I pull out the joint and fish in my bag for my lighter.
I put the joint up to my lips and light it, inhaling it and slowly blowing smoke out, I pass the joint over to Ryan, who does the same. We pass back and forth not exchanging any words and despite our better judgment, we smoked the whole thing.
—
It wasn’t the best idea, cause we may have ingested too much. I learned two things, one of which being that and Ryan are I are almost the same when high, both happy, calmer, giggly, and both very lost when it comes to time. We could both explain the feeling as time jumping around or when you’re dreaming and everything feels real but not at the same time.
In my inebriated state, I decided to shift myself closer to him, maybe it would help my heart rate calm. Wrong, picked up more, maybe I was on the verge of a heart attack, that’s how I feel. But like a good heart attack?
Ryan pulls me out of my thoughts by calling my name, “Your phone. It’s Spence.”
“Oh shit, I didn’t hear, please excuse me for a moment kind sir,” I speak to him in a fake posh accent before picking up my phone, I look at the pickup button but I place it back down, “I’ll just reply later.”
“Why not now?”
“Cause all my attention is devoted to you as of now.” I smile.
He grins back at me, “Mm what did you say earlier ‘It’s nice to have all your focus on me ’ I guess I can agree with that.” I feel my cheeks get hot.
He seems to be a lot more truthful as well, maybe he’s just lost his filter, speaking anything that’s on his mind without a second thought. “You like it?”
“Yeah you’re nice to talk to especially one-on-one, I quite like you, believe it or not,” He moves a little closer to me, and I feel as if I’ve sobered up a little.
“I quite like you too Ry.” I know he’d take that under the context of friends but that’s not it…
Ryan yet again switches the topic, “Dude… Mr. Higgins is so annoying, almost as annoying as you!” He teases.
"Shut your mouth, Ryan, you're way more annoying than I’ll ever be!”
He sticks his tongue out at me, "Nah, that's you. Definitely you."
"See! So annoying, you act like a child!!"
He laughs and looks at me. "You say all this, but you're here with me anyway. So guess what that makes you?" He smirks.
“Someone who for some reason is your friend?”
"Exactly. So I'm obviously not that annoying to you." he points his finger at me, and I lightly swat his hand away.
"Nah I'm only with you 'cause you know too much.”
"I'm starting to think everything I do and say gets on your nerves." He seems a little sad but also amused, it’s hard to tell how he feels, I’m too out of it to comprehend.
“You don’t I promise, I’m only joking around.”
—
Time goes by and it’s starting to get dark, Ryan and I had just been talking about random things for hours, but now the weed was starting to wear off, now we just lacked a filter and were still very truthful.
“Wanna go back to my house?” I ask,
“Hm have some fun things in mind.” He steps a little closer to me and gives me a sly grin, insinuating something more than I mean it as. He then steps back and gives an actual reply, “Yes… I feel like we’ve been on this roof forever!” He almost sounds whiny; and complainy.
“You know if you wanted to go we could’ve just left.” I look at him as if he’s stupid
“You seemed like you liked it up here.” He shrugs and jumps off to a lower level, I follow his lead making sure not to die in the process. Once we get to the bottom he smiled at me, “Hey you didn’t suck this time!”
“You’re mean, you know I take back what I said earlier, everything you do and say gets on my nerves.” I tease still joking.
"You know, there's a really simple solution to all of this."
“Which is?”
He smirks and stops walking before slowly moving closer to me until he's a bit too close, the closeness of our bodies making my heart beat faster.
“Keep this up Ry, and people are going to think we’re dating.” not that I’d mind
“I don’t think anyone has even seen us but-” He smirks, enjoying the moment of us being so close. He leans in a bit further, the heat from both of our bodies making the space between us tight, “What if we were?”
“Well…” I guess I’m sober enough cause I catch myself before saying something I’ll regret, “Well we’re not.”
He smirks as he leans in so that our bodies are pressing tightly together, his face just inches away from my own. "But what if we decided we wanted to be...?"
my breathing picks up, and my heart starts racing.
He smiles, seemingly enjoying seeing me like this. Seems as if he has me just where he wants me. He leans in like he’s about to kiss me.
“Ry…”
He doesn’t say a word he just stares at me, glancing from my eyes to my lips. At this point, I’m practically praying he doesn’t write this off as a joke. He moves close… So close… And then he leans back away from me, barely missing my lips. He smirks jokingly and raises an eyebrow. "What? You thought I was gonna kiss you for real or something?"
—
He wanted too, but he was just too scared, he got nervous again and scolded himself for leading you on like that just to play it off as some fucked up joke.
—
My face drops again... He's toying with me, why did I think he'd really… "I didn't. That was scary, I don't want your ugly ass kissing me." Such lies I'm telling, I'd do anything for his pretty face, soft lips, to wake up next to him, for him to hold me as I sleep- Okay I’m getting ahead of myself.
He smirks and pulls away completely, pretending to be offended. He puts his hands on his hips and looks at me with mock anger. "My ugly ass? Well then, why do you like hanging out with me all the time with my ugly ass? You know, I'm sure anyone else would love to hang out with you and your pretty little face."
He’s flirting again, the mixed signals I'm getting are fucking with my brain. “You ain’t ugly, I was joking…” I mumble
He's still grinning. He's enjoying messing with you and he knows it. But a bit of your comment got to him, his heart softening. "Then, if I'm not ugly... why don't you want me kissing your pretty face...?"
“I-...” I do
He looks down at my lips before looking up into my eyes, a smirk on his lips. "You could have fooled me, but the way you blushed when I was close to you just shows you like me, no matter how much you deny and pretend not to I’ll be able to see right through you." He moves even closer until our faces are just inches away once more. His breath warm on my cheek, he puts his hand on my waist.
I smile, his hand is still on my waist, and his other hand goes on the back of my neck, pulling me so close that my face rests on his chest. One of his hands goes to my cheek and he smiles, "I like you... but more than a friend... don't tell me you haven't realized that by now..."
“I- you do?”
He smiles down at me, his hand still on my cheek and his other around my waist. He takes a moment before responding. "Oh... I've liked you for years. Probably longer than you could imagine."
“Yeah… Me too, the past two years.”
He's still smiling and he pulls me into a hug against his chest. I feel his heartbeat in my ear. It's a calming beat, comforting. He strokes my hair, just enjoying being this close. "Two years? Only two years? I've had this crush since Spencer introduced us,"
“What the fuck! Why didn’t you say anything!”
"I was scared you'd reject me. Especially since you’re my best friend's sister. I didn't want to risk it all only for you to turn me down. I figured, if I had to spend the rest of my life as your friend, I'd just enjoy myself by messing with you until I knew for sure you liked me too.”
"You sly mother fucker!!! This is why I hate you!" I blush holding him a little tighter.
He chuckles and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him so that our bodies are flush against each other. He's giggling at my reaction. "Oh, am I sly..? Oh, am I hated?.. What are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing, I’m happy, can’t be too mad at you since I got what I’ve wanted, but do know I will be keeping this in mind!”
Ryan smiles down at me, “Back to yours M’lady?”
“Mhm,” I pull back from his embrace, “By the way my parents ain’t home, and no, I’m not insinuating anything sexual just wanted you to know.”
“Does it really matter if they’re there or not?”
“Mm no not really, but we don’t have to deal with them asking why it’s just me and you.”
“I guess you’re right..”
Things feel awkward between us, tensions are high. Maybe its cause we don’t know what to do from here, we’ve established mutual feelings but what now? We just walk beside one another in awkward silence. But there is one question on my mind, and so I let it slip.
“Why didn’t you just do it?”
“Do what?” he stops walking and looks at me.
“You know…”
“What, ask you out?”
“Well that, but I was talking about you getting super close like you were about to kiss me then you know… Pull away, it hurt a little, getting my hopes so high then diminishing it all.”
“I don’t know I just got nervous and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to toy with you like that.”
—
We arrive at my house, no cars in the driveway meaning that Spencer isn’t home either. I enter the code into the door and step in, all the lights are off.
“Hey, Ry I’m gonna run to the washroom you know where my room is, meet me there.”
—
Bad idea cause when I get into my room there Ryan is sitting on my bed reading the very book I left open the night prior, the one with a written entry about him. Most of it is wholesome but some of it…
“Ryan put that down,” I warn him stepping closer.
“Watching him play got me thinking, what else could he do with those fingers, okay off track, I really do like him though. He’s so pretty, I love his hair, his smile, his stupid jokes, and it feels so wrong and I know it’s all I say in here, but I can’t help loving him, he’s perfect and I wish he was mine.” He stops and peers at me from over top my diary, my face is red and I can’t bring myself to move or say anything.
“Wish I was yours huh?” He gets up and walks over to me.
“I hate you with every fiber in my body,” Is the only thing I can form as I step back from him,
“I know, they do say we keep the people we hate the closest to us.”
"Mhm, that's why I keep you real close..." I look him up and down,
He raises an eyebrow. "Oh really? How close are we, huh?" I’m not sure if we are talking about ‘hating’ each other anymore.
“Close…” Not even replying to him really, more speaking at the fact that he is quite close to me physically.
And he knows that's what I was talking about cause he steps closer, “Oh yeah? How close is that?" He keeps it under the guise that we’re still talking about keeping enemies close. But I think we both know that we’re thinking differently.
“I- very?” I don’t know how to reply anymore, I avert eye contact.
He smirks. "What would you say if I..." He takes a few more steps closer before leaning forward so that his head and shoulders are near my face.
"If you…?” My breath hitches at the closeness.
"If I..." He leans forward a bit more, our faces barely an inch apart. He's so close that he could probably feel my breath on his cheek.
He's right there... So near, it's as if he could lean in for a kiss..He leans closer, our lips so close to touching. I can feel the heat coming off his body, the heat warming my own. He stares into my eyes, “May I?”
I struggle to say much, so I just nod and he closes the gap between us, he kisses me softly, testing the waters. My eyes flutter shut and I raise one of my hands onto his side. He also changes the placement of his hands moving one to the back of my neck and the other to my waist. He pulls back slightly before repositioning his head to deepen this kiss. I press my body closer to his, snaking my other arm around his waist to get him closer than he already is. I need him close, it just feels right. Our kiss gets cut short by the sound of my bedroom door opening and my brother calling my name. Me and Ryan push off each other and look at Spencer.
“Oh uh- Hi Spence…?” I look at him with guilt-ridden on my face, how's he going to feel about the fact I’m kissing one of his best friends?
“Why the fuck haven’t you answered your phone!? Me, Mom, and Dad have texted countless times!” He looks relieved to see me,
“Uh, I was busy?” I say, not the whole truth but partial,
“Yeah busy skipping school, and with Ryan!” I can’t really tell how Spencer is feeling, and Ryan hasn’t spoken a word since he busted in here.
“Uh so what's the urgency, why did you guys need to get a hold of me.”
“Well Mom got the call that you weren't in class, so she texted you about how she's disappointed in you skipping but when you didn't reply she got worried so we were all trying to find out if you were okay.”
“Yikes… My bad… I would’ve replied but I was er- preoccupied.”
“I don’t even want to know,” Spencer sighs and looks at me then over to Ryan, “So when were you going to tell me that you two were a thing?”
“We ain’t.” Ryan speaks for the first time, “But, maybe that can change?” He looks over at me.
“Okay, not in front of me thank you very much.” Spencer shudders, no one really wants to witness their sister get into a relationship, “Anyways Ryan everyone else is here, we tried to ask you to hang out but seems like you were too preoccupied to answer your phone as well, feel free to come join us whenever, and no you can’t join us as well you hogged him the whole day; guy time.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever Spence, do me a favor and tell Mom I’m fine and get out!” Spencer turns around and exits the room, “Close the door!” I yell at him, it's no use he continues to walk away. I go and shut the door before rejoining Ryan.
“Well, that’s going to be a fun conversation to have with them all…” Ryan sighs and throws himself onto my bed.
“Wait till they start interrogating me or something…” I say before sitting down beside Ryan.
“You know, I would've done this before but it's near impossible when we never had the chance to hang out alone, but now that we are alone, do you wanna- uh…”
I know what he wants to ask but I want to hear him say it, “Want to what?”
“Be my girlfriend?”
“Don’t you want to have more one-on-one time before you decide I’m really what you want?”
“I already know that you’re what I want.” He grabs my hand, “So will you.”
“Yeah… Of course, I will.” I smile, “You should probably go see your friends before Spencer tries to kill me for taking you for longer,”
“But what if I want to spend more time with you?”
“Then we can just skip again tomorrow, go have fun.”
“Okay it’s a date, see you.”
“Bye Ryro.” I watch him get up and watch him exit my room, not like he’s going far, he’s still in the same house as me, but I already miss his presence.
I assume Ryan has arrived at wherever the boys are due to the fact I hear their muffled yells, either congratulating him or scolding him for being with me. I grab my headphones off my nightstand and place them on, playing some music as I get into bed and close my eyes, it’s been a good day, I’m happier than ever and I know I’m going to sleep well; though it would be better if he was here with me.