Work Text:
"I love you. Goodbye Dean."
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As he sits on the cold concrete floor of the dungeon, Dean thinks back on all the moments they had together.
He remembers the way Cas quite literally flew into his life, gripping him tight and raising him from perdition. He remembers the fights, the arguments, he remembers their silent exchanges, their conversations they held without a single word. He remembers the electric blue of Cas's eyes, the brilliant glow of his grace, the breathtaking span of his wings when he revealed them in their glory. He remembers the way Cas fiercely protected him, the warmth of his grace when he healed Dean's wounds. He remembered the way his face lit up when Dean introduced him to milkshakes, the way he would watch all kinds of junk TV and somehow find a deeper meaning to it, the way he would mess up common idioms in the most Cas way possible. Dean remembered holding Cas and being held by Cas and feeling safe. He remembered how he would gravitate towards the angel as if they were magnetic. He remembered how Cas would always be there for him.
As Dean reminisces he realises that oh, oh he could have had it. The missing piece he has been searching for for years - a life with someone who cared about him, who made him feel good, someone he could love and be weak infront of and not have to hide anything about himself or perform for. Something his time with Lisa couldn't give him because she wasn't a hunter, so how could she understand even the tip of the iceberg of shit he has lived through. He needed someone who understood, who had been there with him through it all. Someone who knew his soul inside and out, who knew the terrible things he had done, had beared witness to his crap and still saw beauty and goodness that he struggled to see in himself.
Of course it was Cas. It had always been Cas. And he just let him slip through his goddamned fingers.
He let Cas sacrifice himself yet again and only now has just realised why it always hurts so bad when he does. More than anyone aside from Sam, but also in a much different way than any hurt Sam could inflict, because of course Cas was always more than a friend, more than family. He was the love of his damned life and he never even realised it. Until now. Until now when it's too late. When Cas was gone forever.
In the cold, quiet bunker, Dean Winchester wept for his angel, his love, his regrets.