Work Text:
Clown walks through the door of the classroom. He is very eepy sleepy and unhappy about having to attend class. Like pretty much always nowadays, he’s late and hasn’t even looked at the homework he was meant to do until today. It’s really not his fault, though, between his twelve hour flights from his school in the Nether to Australia and the apartment he shares with his little sister in Australia back to the Nether every day, he only really has time to go eepy sleepy and munch on some licorice. This might actually be the reason why he’s still in high school at 23.
Anyhow, he walks into the classroom and is about to go to his seat, when his meanie mean meaniepants teacher stops him.
“ClownPierce JesterPenetrate KillJoy McEvilFace, you’re twenty minutes late,” she says angrily, “This is the fourth time you’ve been late this week! It’s Wednesday!”
Clown glares at her angily and crosses his arms. “That’s not my fault tho,” he says, “My way here is suuuuper long and I even almost crashed into ten planes to get here ASAP.”
Ms. Meanie Mean Meaniepants sighs resignatedly. “ClownPierce, this is your fifth time repeating grade 13,” she says pensively, “Don’t you think it would be a better idea to get your education in the country you live in?”
Clown’s lips twist into a big, big, big frown and he pulls out his scythe threateningly, trying his best not to cry.
“No!” he says, obviously upsetti spaghetti, “Nu-uh! I’m not studying in the same school as Kab Kaboodle! That’d be embarrassing!”
“And this isn’t?” his teacher asks, raising an eyebrow, “Besides, surely there is more than one school in Austra– You know what? I relent, just… get to your seat.”
Clown smiles happily :3 and gets to his seat, threatening his mean 18 and 19 year old classmates that are looking at him weird with his scythe as he does so. They seem to catch the memo and turn back to the worksheets they’re working on and Clown sits down at his seat. He sighs sighily as his teacher continues teaching, but pays good attention and participates in class like the super goodest student he is anyways. It’s just a little boring now, seeing as this is his sixth time following this exact curriculum. Luckily for him, though, class passes by a lot faster when you’re actually actively participating and next thing he knows it’s lunch break.
As he walks from his previous classroom to the next, he checks his notifications and sees a message from GASP Kab Kaboodle!!
Kabidoodle: hey LOSER
Ok wow rude. SMH , Clown thinks, smhing his head as he types out an eloquent, perfectly articulated response.
Clown The Pierce: fuck you
Clown The Pierce: you big dumb dumb
He smiles down at his screen evilly as he turns the corner and walks into the classroom.
Kabidoodle: rude much
Kabidoodle: anyways
Kabidoodle: [photo]
Clown stares at the photo his dumb, mean, evil sister sent him. It’s a big, fat, lowkey ugly looking toad. He doesn’t understand why she sent him this. Was that meant to be a selfie? But no, he distincly remembers Kabby looking a lot more blue and humanesque than that. Maybe a new pet? Or maybe she’s trying to put a hit on that toad? But surely she knows that Clown only kills in exchange for biscuits… Oh dingaly dang , he thinks, This is confusementing ASF.
Clown The Pierce: what
Kabidoodle: this is a prince from a rlly cool kingdom or something and he said only a kiss from u would turn him back to his normal form;; and he’d marry u if u did
Clown The Pierce: sorri not intrested. he’s kinda dumb.
Kabidoodle: …
Clown pulls out his dumb school stuff and gets comfortable curled up on his chair. He’s about to put away his phone to eat hot chip and lie, when his phone ding ding dings again.
Kabidoodle: what if i told u this is branzy && an evil guy turned him into a toad so u don’t love him anymore?
Clown The Pierce: WHAT
Clown The Pierce: I LOVE BRANZY
Clown The Pierce: i would never not love him
Clown The Pierce: even if he’s an ugly toad now
Clown The Pierce: i love branzy i love him ok???? really much. dumb evil guy, i’ll never stop loving branzy BLEH i loveb ranzy.
Kabidoodle: yea we already got that stfu already
Kabidoodle: point is,, u have to kiss him when u come back, so he can be his normal self again otherwise he’ll be stuck being a dumb frog forever
Clown is on the bridge of getting really really angery with Kab Kaboodle. How dare she tell him to stfu about Branzy?????? GRRRRR. But… Branzy’s a toad…— Wait.
Clown The Pierce: mf that’s a toad
Kabidoodle: toad whatever
But… Branzy’s a toad. Clown needs to save him, his Branzy.
Clown The Pierce: coming over right now
Kabidoodle: bro u have school rn
Clown The Pierce: idc i need to save branzy
Clown The Pierce: i love branzy
Clown The Pierce: u don’t understand i need to savemy branzy
Kabidoodle: bitch
Kabidoodle: you’ll have to repeat 13th grade AGAIN
Kabidoodle: branzy can wait for another few hours
Clown The Pierce: but branzy :(((
Kabidoodle: please stfu about branzy
Kabidoodle: just sit thru whatever class u have next
Kabidoodle: and then u can come home and make out with branzy
Clown The Pierce: fine
Clown The Pierce: but i’m NOT happy about it
Kabidoodle: yea yea whatever just put up with it and kiss this totally not venemous toad that is DEFINITELY branzy
Clown The Pierce: yea sure :3 tell branzy i’ll be with him very soon :3 and that i love him
Kabidoodle: ya ya go away dumb dumb
Clown puts away his phone and finally gets out his hot chip, though it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it usually does. His Branzy… is in danger . And he… he has to just… sit through class and do absolutely nothing .
“I’m straight,” Clown sadly mumbles to himself, knowing he can’t just eat hot chip and not lie, even if Branzy is sad and alone and toad on the other side of the world.
His next class is slow and boring and mind numbing and Clown wishes he could just leave immediately, but he kind of wants to graduate before Kab does because how embarrassing would it be to graduate in the same school year as his little dumb idiot baby sister.
His teacher goes “yap yap yap” and Clown makes his fingers go “tap tap tap” on the table, tries to focus on the lesson. But every time he’s about to reach concentration, the image of a sad, lonely, toady Branzy flashes before his eyes and he feels guilty for even thinking of thinking about something else. Poor Branzy…
Eventually class does end up ending and Clown quickly (for personal reasons not swiftly) leaves the classroom, checking his phone for notifications and tap tap tapping responses as he walks to the roof, where his private jet should be waiting.
Emphasis on “ should be” because when Clown gets there, the jet is nowhere to be seen, roof completely empty. Clown’s eyebrows furrow unnaturally. WTF , he thinks, Where tf the pilot & jet??????
So he takes his phone and presses a few buttons on the calculator app before holding it to his ear. Surely enough, it only takes a few seconds before his favourite pilot picks up.
“‘Suh dude,” he says on the phone.
“Pilot guy :(,” Clown says, “Where are u??”
There is a muffled gasp and rustling on the other side of the phone, which is really kinda weird cause like the pilot has a rich rich people phone and the mic should be far better.
“ClownPiercing,” the pilot says, “I should’ve accepted this- excepted— expected this call….”
“Wdym?” Clown asks upsetti-spaghettily. He needs to get home like right about now.
“Sorry king, but The Swift kinda noticed that ure kinda still using her third spare priv jet even though u broke up and cut you off,” the pilot explains, “So yea, no more private jet flights, therapy and iron eating for you, buddy, sorry.”
Clown gasps. “WHAAAAAAT?” he asks and is about to cry. A sigh sounds from the other side.
“Yeah, sorry bud,” he says, “So yea, gotta block you now, byeeeeee!”
With that, the pilot hangs up and Clown falls to his knees, sobbing for the loss of his Taylor Swift’s bf privileges. They broke up MONTHS ago and NOW she cuts him off??? WTF….
“Fuck Taylor Swift…” Clown mumbles angrily, internally praying that no Swifties heard him, “Guess I’ll be environmentally conscious from now on… But how do I get back home on time now?”
Without his ex-girlfriend’s private jet and with the new environmentally conscious addition to his moral compass, there’s practically no way to swiftly travel across the world in a timely manner anymore. Clown sighs and looks down at his slightly pixelated hands. Guess he’s gotta return to the ‘craft. He could craft a boat or ride a skelly horse, but both of those options would take forever , especially considering he’d have to punch down a tree or find a skeleton horse first.
The fastest route would probably be…. the Nether. As Clown looks through his shulker boxes for obby, I feel like this is an appropriate time to mention that, in the first paragraph, when the school’s location was referred to as “the Nether”, it was clearly meant as an affectionate nickname for the country of the Netherlands and not the actual Nether.
Just as this information enters the reader’s brain, ClownPierce finishes rummaging through his shulkers, having found his ten cubic meters worth of obsidian.
“Hell yea!!!” he says happily, pun fully intended, and speedbuilds a Nether Portal, only misplacing blocks about fifteen times.
Clown walks into the Nether and suffers about twenty-six heat strokes because this isn’t hit game Minecraft. After dying several times due to the heat strokes, he finally makes his way through the Nether to the coordinates he thinks equal to the coords of his room, where he builds ten more Nether Portals.
Then he walks through and comes out (haha comes out) on the roof of the supi dupi cool Australian house Kabby Kab Kaboodle and he live in.
It’s obviously not what he planned cus he wanted to come out (haha co—) in his room, but this is where he would have came out (haha c—) had he been flown by Swift, Taylor’s pilot, so obvi he knows how to get into his room from here. He won’t tell you though, cus how’s he meant to know that you won’t use this información to break into his room and rob him?
Anyhow, a few minutes later, he’s in his room and kicks open the door and, with a round of kick flips, he makes his way into the dying room (which is a living room but for two edgy y/as), where Kabbyboodle is waiting with the toad, Branzy. Branzy’s wearing a lanyard that says “HELLO, MY NAME IS DEFINITELY BRANZY”, confirming once again to Clown that he indeed is Branzy. Good. Because Clown wouldn’t be caught dead kissing anyone whose full government name isn’t Branzy Kevin Redstone Ourple Purple Guy William Afton Mechanic Old Man Elderly Craft.
“Hey Branzy, my love, my darling, me everything, …Kab Kaboodle,” Clown greets happily.
Kab looks at him annoyedly, then weirdly. “Clown,” she says suspiciously, “Did you leave class early? Bro youre actiually not gonna graduate b-four me.”
“Nu-uh,” Clown says, shaking his head and putting out his tongue like the BIG, STRONG MAN he is, “I stayed until the very last second.”
Kaboodlyboodle crosses her arms. “Don’t lie to me bro,” she says, “Like actually being less responsible than your 18 y/o little Australian sister is SO cringe.”
Clown shakes his head again. “No rlly,” he says, “Big dumb dumb meanie poo-poo poopie head Taylor Swift just cut me off the private jet, so I went thru the Nether.”
Kabby stares at him incredulously, but ends up nodding. Then she grins evilly. “Ok, you can kiss ur prince Branzy prince now,” she says, sounding like she has a very evil, evil plan, and hands Clown the Branzy toad.
Clown gingerly takes him in his hands and leads him up to his face, ready to kiss his b-loved bf <33333, when suddenly Kabby yells out, “W8!!!!”
He pauses his movement and looks at her, raising an eyebrow.
“Don’t kiss it,” she says, ignoring Clown correcting her with a “HIM”, “That’s not actually Branzy, it’s a poison dart frog, I wanted to trap u but I don’t want u to die 3:!!”
Clown rolls his eyes and quickly says a “Bro stfu” before kissing the TOAD in his hands. To Kabdoodle’s shock, the kiss ignites a magical spark and the toad transforms into a tall, big, strong, male, purple MAN. Branzy, who is now a human again kisses Clown and wraps his big and strong arms around him, like he always does when they go mwah mwah.
“WHAAAAAAT?????” KAbby yells, surprised and shocked ASF, “But— BUT I BOUGHT A POISON DART FROM— HOW??????”
Clown and Branzy separate and grin evilly.
“Ha ha ha,” Clown says, “I knew u were trolling all along. Branzy warned me and came up with a plan to have someone transform him into a gorgeous toad to ruin ur plan. Hahahahahhahahahahahhaa.”
Kabby screams in agony of her ruined plan and faints like a little baby and Clownzy happens again as Clown and Branzy start kissing again in front of her possibly dead body.