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When he sat there, glaring towards the nursery on occasion, he knew exactly what lay in there.
The final confirmation that he would never have his beloved Squirrelflight by his side, because now she had kits with Brambleclaw. He hadn’t seen the trio of kits yet, two toms and a she-cat, but something deep down inside him hated those kits, no matter what, because they were a symbol of-
Something was tugging on his tail.
He turned around, maybe expecting to see an unruly apprentice, or maybe one of Ferncloud’s kits, but instead he saw a pure black ball of fur, staring up at him with blue kitten eyes just now turning green.
He blinked at the little she-kit, brain realizing who this was but…
“Hai!” the kit squeaked.
“...Hello.” Ashfur responded to her, puzzled as to why he didn’t feel the rage he thought he’d feel. This was…Hollykit, if he thought right. Like his niece who never got to be an apprentice. The kit bit his tail, and he quickly pulled it away, standing up as she squealed and batted after it.
In a moment of amusement, Ashfur spun around on his paws, leaving Hollykit to chase after his tail on stumbly kit paws. For a moment he almost forgot who’s kit she was as he completely fell into the happy pastime of playing with a kit.
Almost.
Until Squirrelflight came out of the nursery, looking around for Hollykit. He locked eyes with her, and he saw that…amusement. That love.
It was like, in that one moment, his whole world view had shattered. She was happy. She was looking at him with a form of love in her eyes. It wasn’t the love he’d wanted, but it was…love. There was love there.
He smiled.
After that day, he began to spend more time with the kits. Every time Squirrelflight looked at him, all he could see was love. Platonic love, he knew, but it was love.
In his heart, he was set on mentoring one of the kits. A small part of him had a particular one he wanted to mentor.
When the day finally came, he was upset but not surprised to see Hollykit, now Holly paw , decide to train under her aunt as a medicine cat. Instead of her, Ashfur was given the blind kit of the litter, Jaypaw.
Jaypaw was, very understandably, stubborn. Set in his ways with a mind on a single goal. In a way, it reminded Ashfur of himself. When they went out on their first outing, alongside Lionpaw and his mentor Brightheart, Jaypaw was just as stubborn as Ashfur thought he’d be.
The third time the apprentice tripped over something momentarily, Ashfur hung back to talk to him.
“Can I offer you some advice?” He spoke carefully. He knew by now that Jaypaw hated unsolicited advice.
“What?” his fellow gray cat practically hissed.
“One, watch the attitude,” Ashfur huffed at him, “Two, take it slow. Don’t try to push yourself beyond your abilities. I’ll wait for you.”
Jaypaw blinked at him, staring like he could see him. After a moment, he scoffed. “Don’t treat me like I’m still a kit, I’m an apprentice now.”
Despite that, Ashfur could see him slow down. He’d have to work on the attitude, but things were already improving.
One day, without warning, Jaypaw had come to him, tail drooping and ears folded. Ashfur was just about to ask him what was wrong, until the blind cat abruptly fixed his sightless gaze on him.
“What’s about to happen isn’t your fault.”
Ashfur was taken aback as Jaypaw walked past him. He would only find out later on that it was because Jaypaw was switching to be a Medicine Cat. Ashfur was crestfallen, until he saw Hollypaw’s precious green eyes staring at him.
Right away they went on a hunting patrol, backed by those around him. He was overjoyed that he could still mentor one of the three siblings, but he couldn’t help but feel bad for Jaypaw. He was so sure that he wanted to be a Warrior, and now…
It was better to not dwell on the past.
Moons and moons later, as the three grew, Ashfur stayed close to them. Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf. He couldn’t have been more proud of them if he had been their father. He even grew decently close to Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight. Not as close to Squirrelflight as he would’ve once liked, but enough that he managed to regain that once broken trust she had in him. It was perfect, he thought, and so wonderful that almost nothing could ruin it.
The days lazed by, nothing terrifyingly excited to threaten the safety of those he held dear-
Until the fire.
He would’ve escaped, right when he could, until he did his own headcount, and realized with a stinging horror that four cats were missing-the three siblings, and Squirrelflight.
Terrified, Ashfur raced back, pushing through burnt and burning undergrowth, until he saw Squirrelflight, struggling with a branch. She looked terrified when she saw him, and he understood at once what was happening, even before he heard Hollyleaf shouting at Lionblaze.
They were trapped, fire slowly closing in. He thought back, horrified, to when he was so young, and a fire consumed everything he’d held dear. Before Squirrelflight could even plead for help, Ashfur was already shoving the branch into place.
“Hurry across!” he called to the three, “Jayfeather, don’t rush but don’t be slow!” The last thing he wanted in this chaos was for Jayfeather to rush himself and end up falling into the flames that consumed the camp below. He watched as they stumbled across the nearly flaming bridge, and every hair on his pelt was filled with fear. He heard Jayfeather hiss, and realized a branch had poked his pads. Every second more it took for them to cross, his fear rose.
Only when the last set of paws were on safety did Ashfur let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. With Squirrelflight, he rushed forward, nuzzling the three with a franticness that betrayed him remembering the loss of so many cats he’d held dear. Were they watching now? Seeing that even though he couldn’t save them, he could save these three? Would they be proud?
When the fire died down, the group of five cats made their way back to the camp. Part of him was so enraged as he stared at Brambleclaw, but when he saw him run forwards to meet his kits and mate, the anger melted. Ashfur knew running back into the flames to save cats who may have already been out would be a stupid choice. He could even see the way Brambleclaw’s eyes darted around, and he realized he was remembering the fire from all those moons ago, just as Ashfur had been when the three were crossing the bridge. As he stared around, he realized how many terrified looks he could see as cats checked in on their loved ones, and he could see that the younger cats seemed to be almost puzzled at how frantic the older ones were. In the pit of his stomach, Ashfur knew he was just as terrified as them.
Things were…strangely calm that night, as cats settled to try to sleep after…that.
That’s when Ashfur had that nightmare. That terrible kind of nightmare that sticks with you for the rest of your life, always there at the back of your mind.
He was back there again, not at the first fire, but…at the one from the day before. He wasn’t himself, he knew, because he was trapped, Lionblaze on one side and Jayfeather on the other. When he looked at his paws, he could see black. Hollyleaf. He was seeing through Hollyleaf’s eyes. He was staring at himself and Squirrelflight through the flames, seeing himself climb onto the branch with a cold, deadly look in his eyes.
His overwhelming horror almost drowned out the conversation. The him that wasn’t him hissed and threatened, wanting to burn the three to get back at Squirrelflight. It shook him to his core, and the all too real heat of the fire burned the fur that wasn’t rightfully his. He wanted to scream and shout, that he would never do this, that this had to be something horrifying sent by the Dark Forest itself.
“Is this your way of getting back at me, Hawkfrost?” he questioned in his head. He’d frantically tried to backtrack on the plan the two had set up ages ago, realizing how terrible it was at the last minute. He spent every waking moment trying to figure out how to make up for that one stupid lapse in judgment.
“Kill them, then,” the dream Squirrelflight stared at the terrifying false Ashfur, “You won’t hurt me that way.”
He could feel his-no, Hollyleaf’s body stiffen. Jayfeather and Lionblaze stiffened as equally.
“If you really want to hurt me, you’ll have to find a better way than that,” the ‘Squirrelflight’ snarled, “They’re not my kits.”
All at once, the dream snapped away, and Ashfur woke in his nest. His head shot up, and he looked around the den, spotting Hollyleaf and Lionblaze curled close, with Jayfeather between them, instead of in his nest in the Medicine Den. Close by, Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw were curled into one another.
He let out a sigh of relief, seeing them all safe. His mind couldn’t help but wander back, thinking of what Squirrelflight had said in the dream.
…He’d have to ask her about that later