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Some nights, I would look at them while they were asleep, and feel the dire need to destroy them. It could be so easy while they were lost in dreams. But then I would see them shaking in their sleep, visibly trying to run away from a neverending nightmare, and I would remember that I don't want to see them feeling like this. I want them dead but I don't want them to be scared and before I can try stabing them through the heart I remember that I care about them. I see them being vulnerable and I want to hurt them so much, it hurt so much I won't let them see me being vulnerable. And so I just stare.
I can't let them know that the only person they trust dream of their destruction, that the only place where they feel safe they share with a friend who sought to betray them, that I should be more feared than what they fly away from in their nighmares, that their present is more threatning than the past that haunt them. No, I can't. I can't tell them.
Yet they're the one who taught me how it feels to destroy, they taught me to thrive in the chaos caused by our own hands and how good it was to let our emotions slip on the lives that don't leave too much of a mark. The burning cities, the screams, none of them meant anything to me, so why should I worry about it. As long as my aim doesn't slip on the only person who ever cared about me. I learned to maim those who weren't my enemies so I could spare the one who refused to see me as the enemy.
Sometimes I want to hurt them but we still laugh. Sometimes I want to kill them but we still talk. At some point this endless desire to put an end to them became nothing more than a friendly pain, always there, waiting, standing. Everyday harder to ignore but easier to conceal, as long as they remained in the mist of it. After all they never shared their own terrors, pretending that their nights weren't full of horrors, so I thought that I didn't need to share my own lust for blood.
Destroy The Chosen One
The command was so clear, the words feeling warmly familiar, as two things that I knew too well. Destrcution I was doing every day, The Chosen One I was seeing every day, both filled my life as if nothing else really mattered, and nothing else ever mattered indeed, they were my only needs, or so I tried to believe. My code knew I was lying. It knew the real meaning, the real need that was burning, incomplete, demanding, pleading to be fullfilled.
DESTROY THE CHOSEN ONE.
Tempting. I could do it. I could free myslef. They would understand. It was what they were yearning for the most after all : To be free. A desire, no, a need so essential for them that it might as well be engraved in their code, in their core being : It was everyting they ever wished for, and sometimes I feel envious that they reached it, that they fulfilled it while I remained stuck with my own code. But then I'd see them at night, fighting invisible fears in their sleep, and it'd make me realise that they aren't free yet. Prisoners together we shall be then, until I finally destroy them, and until they finally get free.
Destroying the world wasn't enough, it would never be enough, neither for them to let out their rage, neither for me to keep the command in. It felt like a poor meal but at least we weren't starving. There was no plan, no thoughts, no evil : We just went at the rythme of our own gait and mindleslly spread fire on the way. It was hard to say if they cared about the ashes left behind, but I sure didn't mind. I've been created and abandonned, and only them ever showed any concerns : Care was something to be earned and nothing was too good not to be burned.
On the days the code was too loud, I would blame them, curse them, hate them for existing, for being to dear to me to disappear. But the code isn't me, and I knew better than to trust it, instead wishing that I could replace it with a name way more fitting, a name that didn't need any forced input to be worthy of destruction : Destroy the Cursor. Destroy Noogai. Destroy Alan Becker.
For he was the one who made them fear the night and made me wish for their demise. He fueled their endless anger and ignored me when I thought we were allies. Destroying him one more time sounded like the brightest delight, but would that be even enough, as long as he has a way to come back ? How delicilously pleasing it would be to destroy everything but them, everything but The Chosen One, to fail my mission in the most glorious way Noggai himslef would have never imagined.
Destroy Everything.
They'd have nothing more to fear, and my code would be slighlty more at peace.
I couldn't destroy The Chosen One but I could make enough destruction to make up for it.