Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Thank you, Jhoanna! Ibabalik namin agad, promise!"

Jhoanna nodded and smiled at them as they turned their backs and went to their tables, taking a picture of the reviewer she made for herself for the upcoming exam. 

"Hanggang kailan, Jho?"

Jhoanna looked at Colet, who was seated beside her, looking at her with a displeased face after glaring at the girls who took her reviewer. "Ha?"

"Hanggang kailan ka maging mabait? Anong hangganan niyan?"

"Ano ba namang tanong 'yan, Ate Colet. Edi palagi? Wala namang masama maging mabait."

"Wala nga, pero yung inaabuso ka na, 'yon yung masama. Mga tamad 'yang babaeng yan, puro cellphone sa class, hindi nakikinig. Basically, umaasa lang sila sayo at sa reviewer mo palagi. You're allowing them to be lazy by depending on you."

"Hindi naman sa gan'on 'yun. Tumutulong lang ako, nagpapahiram ng kung ano ang meron ako. At least nga hindi sila nangongopya, hiniram nila reviewer ko para reviewhin. Hindi sila completely tamad," Jhoanna explained. 

Colet could only furrow her brows at her answer. Jhoanna couldn't see because she was nice, but her friends were annoyed for her whenever people wouldn't leave her alone to ask for help.

"Hayaan mo na siya, Ate Colet. Mabait nga siya, hindi naman marunong makinig, Ang tigas, tigas ng ulo," Mikha added, seated behind Jhoanna next to Stacey, and obviously listening to their conversation.

"You should really set a boundary. Ako ang napapagod sa'yo. Nakakatakot ka 'pag nagka-lovelife ka."

"Huh? Bakit naman?" Jhoanna snorted. Ba't pati love life ko nadamay?

"Baka kapag may nanghingi sa jowa mo, ibigay mo rin."

If people would create a survey about words that described Jhoanna Christine Robles, most words that would probably come out would be: intelligent, funny, patient, and selfless

Jhoanna had always put prime importance to people before herself. She was ready to give everything she had to help other people. She was approachable to the point that she was their go-to person when they needed help on something. 

She excelled in everything, a perfect model student worth emulating. There was no moment she was seen crumbling, stressing, or sad. She had always been the sunshine that completed the day, the smiley girl of sophomores, the dependable president of the student council.

Jhoanna enjoyed her youth. She loved the thought that she could help, the flutter of having people remember her and thanking her for the help she offered, even if it meant sacrificing her own. She had a big heart for everyone, a genuine purpose to make people smile every day. 

She bore with her what her mother always told her about being kind to everyone wouldn't hurt, or that you can make a difference by being kind in this cruel world. 

Hence, Jhoanna became what she was now. Though, she also often wondered... Hanggang saan ang kaya kong ibigay?

+++

Jhoanna was focused on her academics, on her responsibilities and duties as the president, and it meant that she would definitely sacrifice a lot of personal stuff. That certainly included her love life. 

"Sorry, busy pa eh." would always be her answer whenever there were students who would try their shots on her. 

It was half-lie, though. She was busy, yes, but that wasn't the entire reason why she didn't want to accommodate them. For her, she wanted a love that would bloom from being friends first. She believed that it would never go wrong, they could take time to know each other, and if they clicked, then it would be forever. 

She read somewhere that there was a high chance of succeeding if one married their friends. There was also nothing wrong if she would try and test it out. 

It had been a while since she had a crush. It was probably when she was in senior high school, and it was her Ate Colet. She remembered her being so cool, so protective, and attractive in her eyes. 

However, she was also the last as she decided to focus on her studies. 

Not until this certain person arrived. 

"Jhoanna, we have a transferee arriving later, and as the president of the Student Council, I want you to tour her around the school. I will excuse you from your classes. Will that be alright with you?"

Jhoanna, as the ball of sunshine as she was, beamed. "Of course, sir! Wala pong problema. Ako na pong bahala sa transferee."

"Very well. Sige, wait for her at the gate and welcome her with the team. She's a bit important since she came from a rich family. Make sure she feels at home here."

"Noted, sir. Puntahan ko na po."

Jhoanna exited the office and called Colet, the Vice President of the Student Council, and asked her to call the team so they could welcome this transferee together as instructed. 

"Mukhang importante nga ang transferee na 'to ah. Usually, si Stacey or Sheena lang ang nagwe-welcome at nagtu-tour, pero ngayon si Jho na at ang buong team ang magwe-welcome," Maloi commented, clinging her arm with Colet's.

"From a rich family raw sabi ni Sir Faundo." Jhoanna shrugged as she counted all of them. "Sino pa ba ang kulang sa'tin? Malapit na ang time, for sure anytime soon, dadating na yung transferee."

There were ten officers in the Student Council. Seven girls and three men. Jhoanna won by majority votes, well, she instantly won because no one dared to match her in the position. They all agreed that she took the position as she deserved. 

She was the only SSC President in the school's history who won with a hundred percent vote, which told a lot about her character and excellence.

"Si Mikha at Stacey wala pa, pero nag-message naman, papunta na raw sila. Ang tagal daw ni Staku mag-make up," Sheena replied, laughing at Mikha's unfortunate situation as the person who was pulled by Stacey to accompany her in her retouch this time.

"Nakakahiya naman kung mauuna pa yung-"

Before Jhoanna could finish her tirade, a black, shiny car stopped right in front of the gate where they were waiting. They all got the feeling that this was the person they were all waiting for so they all stopped and waited for whoever would come out of the car. 

The first one that came out was the driver, jogging to the other side of the car to open the door for the passenger. 

"Mayaman nga for sure," Colet uttered under her breath, tensed and intimidated.

Jhoanna glanced at the others to see their reaction, and just like Colet, they were intimidated. Usually, rich students had a superiority complex, they loved to look down on other students. If they weren't just part of the council officers, they would never know their right to fight back against these brats. 

However, Jhoanna knew how to deal with them naturally. She was not trained, it was just natural for her to tame even the rudest person she could encounter. She was kind and witty, she knew her way to people. 

She would do everything so she could please everyone, even if it meant sacrificing her own. 

It was a bad habit, Colet once told her. Yet, she just somehow felt like everybody was her responsibility. She wanted to make everyone happy and content, which gained her the title 'Ms. Sunshine'.

So, Jhoanna smiled. A radiant, welcoming smile that she always offered to the students that she encountered anywhere she went. It was like the whole school became bright and light when she became the SC President. 

The girl stepped out of the car, smiling at the driver and thanking him. Jhoanna couldn't see her face yet, but the way she stood, the way she carried herself, even her back was already oozing elegance and beauty. 

Imagine the starstruck that Jhoanna felt when this transferee faced them. Everything moved in slow motion. Her eyes widened, she didn't even know if it was Sheena who gasped softly or if it was her. 

This girl was the personification of beauty. She was wearing their uniform and Jhoanna never found anyone wearing their uniform so elegantly like her. Her black, wavy hair flowed freely on her back, following every movement she made, her eyes shining as she looked around, her pearly white teeth showing as she smiled. 

Ang ganda.

Jhoanna met her eyes, and maybe it was just her but the girl's smile became wider, her eyes smiling along. She almost felt jealous and threatened by her smile. It had always been her who brought light with her smile, but seeing this girl, the sun was nothing compared to how bright this star was shining.

Wow na wow.

"Jho!"

"Wo...Aww!" Jhoanna rubbed her arm that Colet hit. She glared at her. "Problema mo? Ang sakit no'n ah!"

"Mahiya ka naman, nakatingin na sa'yo yung transferee tas nakatulala ka lang d'yan," she whispered, nudging her and pointing at the girl in front with her lips.

Jhoanna's eyes widened, facing front but somehow regretted it because she was almost blinded by the beauty in front of her, staring right in front of her. OA na kung OA pero ang ganda talaga!

"Hi!" the girl greeted enthusiastically. "I'm Aiah Arceta, the transferee."

Aiah Arceta. 

Jhoanna found it unfair how this woman was so perfect from her name to her appearance, and she bet even her personality.

Aiah was looking at Jhoanna with a smile, only focusing on her as if waiting for what she was going to say. Usually, Jhoanna would confidently welcome the transferee warmly, but right now, it was the first time that she didn't know what to do. 

Her heart was beating loudly, and her hands were cold and sweaty. Was she nervous? For what reason? Aiah didn't look intimidating at all.

"Y-yeah. We were, uhm, we were told about you. I'm Jhoanna Robles, the Student Body President, and I'm with the other officers. Introduce yourselves."

Jhoanna pointed at the other officers for her to look at. Anything just so Aiah's eyes wouldn't focus on her. She didn't like how it was making her feel. She only sighed in relief when Aiah smiled at the others as well and shook their hands.

Aiah was friendly, and obviously, she would probably become instantly popular and liked because of her beauty. Seeing the other officers, she wasn't the only one who was looking at her with admiration. 

"Nice to meet you all, thank you for welcoming me-"

"Jho! Sorry, we're late! Ang tagal, tagal kasi ni Stacey, akala mo dalawa mukha kung maka-retouch," Mikha complained as soon as they reached the line, completely unaware of Aiah in front. 

"Hoy, sinabi ko sayo na mauna ka na, hindi ka naman nakikinig!" Stacey rolled her eyes. 

"Nandyan na ba yung trans...fe...ree... Wow, hi."

Mikha stood there with wide eyes, staring at Aiah, not even hiding the fact that she was instantly swooned by her beauty. It was like her eyes formed into hearts as she admired Aiah. 

"Hi, I'm Aiah Arceta!" Aiah introduced herself, waving at the two and offering her hand for a handshake.

"I'm Stacey!" Stacey shook her hand, then nudged Mikha who was still stunned. "Beh, paawat ka. Kamayan mo na!"

Mikha snapped from embarrassing herself and shyly took Aiah's hand. "I'm Mikha Lim. You're so pretty."

Jhoanna's eyes switched from Mikha and Aiah. This was the first time that she saw Mikha flustered talking to girls. She was usually oozing with confidence and was the one who could make girls blush, but this time, it seemed like she found someone who could render her speechless.

Jhoanna couldn't blame her.

"Huy, Mikha, bitiwan mo na. We get it, crush mo na siya," Maloi teased, and the others followed, Jhoanna included, rather a bit forced.

Aiah could only chuckle, while Mikha was glaring and stopping everyone from teasing them. 

"Tama na 'yan, guys. I have to tour Ms. Aiah pa," Jhoanna meddled in, hearing the bell rang indicating the start of classes.

"Oh, yes, right. I need to know the places here at school pala," Aiah agreed, smiling at her. 

Yan na naman siya sa ngiti niya.

"Pwedeng ako na lang?" Mikha suddenly said, hopeful as she looked at Jhoanna. "Or sama na lang ako?"

"Mikha, pumoporma ka agad d'yan hindi pa nga nakakapasok ng school!" Colet scolded her. They laughed at how Mikha was so straightforward and shy at the same time. 

On the other hand, Jhoanna didn't know what to answer. That volunteering would have probably been so much appreciated if it was another time. She would rather be in the classroom than walking around the huge school and hurting her feet in the process. 

But this time, she didn't feel like giving it to other people. She would like to tour Aiah herself. She would like to get to know her, or even be friends with her. She had a feeling that they would click somehow. 

For some unknown reason, she looked at Aiah as if the answer was on her. But what surprised her was that she was also looking at her. Aiah smiled at her, seemingly encouraging her to do something. Yet, what?

What does it mean? Does she want her to tour her? Or does she want Mikha to do it? Why is she smiling at her? Jhoanna was mentally panicking.

"Ako kasi yung in-excuse ni Sir Faundo sa classes, Mikhs. Gusto mo tawagan ko si sir tapos ipagpaalam natin na ikaw na lang?" Jhoanna just resorted to that reply. 

No matter how much she wanted to follow her mind, what others would feel would be her top priority, especially if it was her friend, and this friend, not to say shy and rarely seen having a crush, acting up on her desire to meet someone, then who was she to stop her from that?

Mikha frowned. "No na. Sir Faundo will just decline. I know him."

"If you don't have classes this morning, pwede ka naman mag-join," Jhoanna tried to coax.

"I have morning classes eh. Well, I guess I'll just see Aiah around?" she said, looking at Aiah and smiling at her as if she was appealing to her with her cute smile.

Aiah smiled at her and nodded. "See you around. All of you."

"Sige na, pumasok na kayo. Ako na bahala dito. Kaya ko na 'to," Jhoanna shooed them away. 

Jhoanna was confident. Even when she was alone with the highest in authority person at school, she knew what to do, she knew how to entertain, and she knew how to carry the conversation.

However, when everyone left, that was when she realized that she was left with Aiah alone. She suddenly felt shy and conscious. Hindi ikaw 'to, Jhoanna! Gumising ka d'yan!

She didn't know why she was nervous. She was just a transferee, beautiful to add to that. Nothing to be nervous about. So, among her so many talents, thankfully, she was good at acting, or pretending. 

"Let's go?" 

Aiah nodded and smiled at her once again. There was something in the way she looked that Jhoanna felt uncomfortable, but at the same time, liked it. It was like she was observing her, trying to read her, or just amusement. 

Even when Jhoanna was explaining and pointing to the buildings and everything she needed to know, whenever she would look at her, Aiah would meet her eyes, smile, and nod cutely. It was adorable.

Aiah was just following her around, commenting when she found a peaceful place, or when the design of the buildings were beautiful. She had a lot of comments, and Jhoanna liked how she was not silent but opening a conversation as well.

"'Yon na lahat. May tanong ka ba? Or may gustong malaman about sa school? Naituro ko naman kung saan yung building mo, 'no?" Jhoanna thought to herself if there was something she missed.

"Yes, naituro mo naman lahat, but I'm afraid I forgot them already hehe."

Jhoanna also chuckled. Aiah Arceta was just too cute.  "Okay lang 'yun. Hindi naman ako nag-eexpect na matatandaan mo lahat. This tour is just to give you the overall look of our campus."

"Can I get your number, though?" 

The question surprised Jhoanna. It was out of nowhere, straightforward even. No one had asked for her number before, save from some boys who were using that old line to court her. There was social media already, they didn't have to know her personal number. So, she looked at Aiah with a confused look. 

"I mean... in case I want to go somewhere and I forget the way? Can I ask you naman, 'di ba? Or are you busy?" Aiah suddenly became conscious, scratching her brow.

Ah. For help. 

"No. Of course, you can ask anytime. I'll give you my number."

Aiah beamed, fishing out her phone and giving it to Jhoanna. She saved her number and gave it back to Aiah. Surprisingly, Aiah called her number, but ended it immediately as well. 

"There's my number, too. Save it so my message won't go to spam, or so you'd know it's me among so many numbers probably messaging you."

"Wala naman masyadong nagme-message sa'kin sa number ko, friends and family ko lang may alam. Sa social media, ayun, baka matabunan ka agad."

Jhoanna wasn't bragging. She was just being truthful. She rarely used social media, unless needed or she was forced by her friends. She didn't know how many unread messages were there anymore, mostly from her schoolmates either wanting to be friends or something else. 

"Hi, Jho! Good morning!" Jhoanna smiled and waved her hand at the group of students who greeted her. She didn't know them, but she just waved her hands and greeted back like always.

"You're famous here, aren't you?" Aiah asked, watching the group squealed upon being greeted back by Jhoanna.

"Famous? Hindi ah. Kilala lang nila ako kasi SSC President ako. Pero kung wala akong position, malamang nobody lang ako."

"Hmm. I don't think so. But anyway, I think I need to go to my class now. Is it okay if you accompany me 'til there?"

"Walang problema, Ms. Aiah!"

"Huy, anong Ms. Aiah? Aiah na lang, you're too formal. I hope to be friends with you, too."

Jhoanna wanted to squeal. This elegant, beautiful girl wanted to be friends with her? Who was she to refuse? She never got to be friends with transferees before. After doing her job of touring them around, that was the end of it. 

But thinking about being in the same circle as Aiah? She was thrilled.

"Okay... Ate Aiah, then. Let's go na?"

Jhoanna walked, but Aiah didn't move. She looked at her with confusion, yet it changed into amusement when she saw that Aiah was almost nearly pouting at her. "Bakit, Ate? May problema ba?"

"Drop the ate, Jhoanna. Just call me Aiah. I feel old when you call me ate."

Jhoanna scratched her head. "I think... mas matanda ka kay Ate Colet at Ate Maloi. Sila nga ina-ate ko eh."

There was no issue if she wanted to be called Aiah, Jhoanna just wanted to tease her because she looked cute whenever she frowned and argued with her just so she would not call her Ate. 

It was endearing. Jhoanna didn't know what was. Aiah was just fun to talk with. Her presence was just light and calm. There was a feeling in her heart that wanted to continue talking to her, like she could talk to her every day and never feel bored. 

Only when they reached her building, Jhoanna surrendered. "Oo na, oo na, Aiah na lang. Baka umiyak ka pa d'yan eh. Oh, ito na building mo, galingan mo sa first day mo ha."

"Why naman parang mom kita? You go to yours, too. Thank you for touring me around, Jho! I enjoyed your company."

Jhoanna smiled. "Glad to help. See you around?"

"Definitely, Jhoanna."

As soon as Jhoanna turned around, she bit her lip. She tried her best to walk normally until she was out of sight because she could still feel Aiah's gaze at her. But when she turned to the left, she squealed silently. 

She felt like having her long time crush notice her for the first time. It was filled with butterflies, unforgettable, her smile almost tearing her cheeks with how wide it was. 

Jhoanna never thought a pretty girl would have this much effect on her. 

+++

The next time Jhoanna saw Aiah was past lunch time. It had been a week since she toured her, and since then she never saw her again in the campus, despite hoping she could see a glimpse of her walking or going to her class.

She could admit that since she saw Aiah, she never left her mind anymore. One reason was because she had left an impact on her, and another one was that she became the talk of the school for her beauty. 

Even her friends talked about her, especially Mikha, even the SC Officers, and also the teachers were never safe from the effect Aiah Arceta had. 

However, this time, it was past two in the afternoon. She had no classes for the whole day, but she still went to school because she had a lot of things to do in the SC Office. Jhoanna only decided to take a break from all the proposals she had to prepare for the upcoming foundation week, and eat lunch in the cafeteria this time.

She never thought that she would see Aiah again there alone and busy doodling on her notebook.

If it was another person, Jhoanna would have approached her instantly, called her name loudly and waved from afar. That was what she would always do whenever she would see her friends, embarrassing them with how loud her voice was that would get other students' attention.

Yet now, her tongue was pushed back, and she cowered thinking of approaching her. Next time na lang siguro.

She went straight to the food, choosing rice and chicken for lunch, and a strawberry smoothie. With a tray in her hand, she looked around to choose a table. There were only a few students in the cafeteria since most had classes, and she could choose a table far from where Aiah was.

However, as soon as she turned around, she met Aiah's eyes. She was waving at her, smiling widely and beckoning her to come to her table. Having no other choice, she went to her, feeling her hands cold and sweaty as her heart was beating loudly.

"Jhoanna!"

Kinakabahan na naman ako, ang ganda kasi nitong babaeng 'to!

"Hi, Ate-" Aiah raised her brow. Jhoanna awkwardly chuckled. "Sorry hehe. Hello, Aiah. Anong ginagawa mo rito?"

Aiah grinned, closing her book and clearing the table. "It's my vacant hour. The library is packed, the garden, too, so I just decided to stay here since it's silent and there's more available seats. Ikaw? Ngayon ka lang maglu-lunch?"

"Ah, oo. Nalunod ako sa gawain sa SC, 'di ko namalayan yung time. Usually sa office ako kumakain kapag may packed lunch ako, kaya lang tinamad ako mag-prepare so bumili na lang ako."

Jhoanna felt conscious. Aiah was looking at her as if she was telling her the most interesting story. The way her eyes only focused on her and nodded with sympathy, Jhoanna couldn't meet her eyes for long.

"You're so busy talaga. I kept on looking for you hopefully to see you around the campus pero I could only see your friends and the other officers but not you. Dito ka ba talaga nag-aaral?"

"Hina...hinahanap mo 'ko?" she queried, stuttering at the information. Aiah nodded innocently. "Bakit? May kailangan ka?"

"Grabe naman 'to! Kailangan agad? Hindi ba pwedeng gusto lang kita makita?"

The answer only made Jhoanna's stomach somersault. Aiah said that so casually but the effect it had on her was astronomically irredeemable. It took all of her will power not to blush, or squeal, or slam the table, or bite her fist. Instead, she swallowed the butterflies that were threatening to come out of her mouth.

Hindi ako kinikilig . Hindi ako kinikilig . Hindi. Hindi.

"Edi sana nag-text ka, may number mo naman ako. Or pinuntahan mo 'ko sa SC Office. Sa likod lang naman ng library yung office namin. Welcome ka naman d'on."

Jhoanna started eating, swallowing the weird thing along with her food. She pretended as if focusing on scooping her food, when in fact, she couldn't look at her. She didn't want to look weird and embarrass herself in front of Aiah. 

"I can do that?" Aiah's eyes shone with hope and excitement. Simple things could easily make her happy.

"Oo naman. Ako president, wala silang magagawa. Kapag bored ka or wala kang mapwestuhan, d'on ka na lang din."

"Are you always there ba?" 

Jhoanna raised her brow at her. Nakakahalata na siya, or sadyang assuming lang. She couldn't help but be playful, "Ikaw ha. Lagi mo 'kong hinahanap. Crush mo ba 'ko?"

Aiah also laughed, hitting her arm softly. "I don't like to go there when I'm alone inside. Syempre dapat nando'n din yung nag-aya."

Jhoanna must be crazy because even being hit by her felt so endearing. 

"Dumidiretso ako after class ko, saka kapag vacant ko rin. Pero usually, kapag wala ako, nando'n sila Ate Colet. Hindi nababakante yung office so may kasama ka r'on if wala ako."

But if knowing that there was Aiah in the office, she would definitely stay there and look forward to going in the office despite dreading all the paperworks. All just to see her beautiful face and conversing with her.

"Okay, I'll go there. I'm shy to message you, I thought you were busy since you know, I kept on hearing your name in almost every student's lips." She pointed at her face. "Oh, you have rice grain here sa side ng lips mo."

Jhoanna hummed and took it out using her tongue and ate it again as she chuckled the embarrassment away. She glanced at Aiah again, however, finding her looking away with a flushed face. Anyare dito?

"Okay ka lang? Mainit ba rito? Kaya hindi 'to madalas tambayan ng students kasi hindi naman air-conditioned 'tong cafeteria. Gusto mo ba lumipat sa office?"

Jhoanna was genuinely concerned. Aiah was a rich girl, of course, it was normal if she wasn't used to warm places. Maybe she should suggest to the board of directors to make the cafeteria air-conditioned as well. 

Aiah fanned herself, tapping her cheeks lightly, and breathing a sigh. "Don't mind me, Jhoanna. Eat your lunch. My class will be in fifteen minutes anyway."

She ate her lunch as Aiah talked to her. How she wished time would stretch more and fifteen minutes wasn't that fast because when the time came, she finished her lunch and Aiah was already clutching her bag, ready to go. Who knows how long it will be before they see each other again?

Jhoanna never felt the urge to be close to someone before than now. Usually, people would approach her to be friends, she was alright having no friends, too, but there was just something inside her that kept on wanting to be close and connect with Aiah, despite the unusual feeling inside her whenever she was in front of her already. 

"Are you going back to the SC office now?" Aiah asked as she stood up, Jhoanna followed since she was also done eating her lunch. 

"Oo. May kailangan pa 'kong tapusin, pero malapit naman na. Galingan mo sa class mo ha."

Aiah grinned at her, grabbing her arm and clinging on her. Jhoanna became stiff, getting a whiff of Aiah's expensive scent that almost made her lightheaded, and became awfully aware of how warm her skin felt. Don't be weird. Don't be weird, Jhoanna. 

Her friends also clung to her like this, but for some reason, her feelings were different when Aiah did it. Was it because they weren't close that much yet? Or she was still adjusting? Yeah, maybe this. 

"Hatid mo 'ko. Wala ka palang hinahabol na time eh."

Jhoanna wasn't able to argue anymore when Aiah just pulled her to the path leading to Aiah's college building. It wasn't like she would argue anyway, she would even agree, if she wasn't that shy, maybe she would have even offered. 

It was the start of their friendship blooming, and probably for Jhoanna, something else that should be blocked as early as she could. 

She should have.

+++

"Hi."

A head peeked through the small gap of the door. Aiah smiled widely, her eyes crescent and full of life, her eyes immediately roamed around the office, meeting multiple eyes but only seeking for a pair she purposely went there for. 

"Ate Aiah!" Mikha greeted excitedly, standing up on her seat and opening the door for her. "Come in! I've... I mean, we've been waiting for you!"

Aiah chuckled as she completely went in, waving her hand at the people inside. "Hello, did I bother you? Are you in the middle of a meeting?"

"Yes, pero hindi ka bother. Kahit kailan ka pumasok dito, okay lang. Upo ka here!" Mikha pulled a chair for Aiah, and her enthusiasm obviously wouldn't be let go by her friends. 

"Umaarangkada ka na naman dyan, Mikha Lim ha!" Stacey teased, laughing at her friend. "Hindi ka ganyan. Ipakita mo totoo mong ugali!"

"Shut up, Stacey! Ang pangit mo," Mikha retorted while rolling her eyes. 

"Kita mo 'yan, Ate Aiah? Ganyan siya."

Aiah just smiled at them, sitting on the chair that Mikha offered her. She looked at her playfully, "Thank you, Mikha. Ikaw ha, pakitang gilas lang ba 'to?"

"Hoy, hindi ah. Ganito talaga ako, tanong mo pa sa kanila!" Mikha defensively replied, glaring at Stacey. "Itong si Staku, imbento! Napaka ano mo talaga eh."

Mikha went to Stacey and started to become physical. Stacey tried to fight back Mikha's attempt to pull her hair. While the others watched in pure entertainment of two friends fighting. 

On the other hand, Aiah naturally moved her swivel chair next to Jhoanna, smiling and greeting her upon meeting her eyes. It was already natural and normal action between the two of them. Aiah would always find herself a space beside Jhoanna, and the younger purposely left a space for her.

It was like there was a gravitational pull between them that always pulled them closer to each other, except that there was none and it was always Aiah who would see to it to be beside Jhoanna, she just naturally go to her, willingly, swiftly.

Just like what they had talked about last time, Aiah now considered the SC Office as her main study place. She also became friends and comfortable with all the SC Officers, treating her part of their friendship circle, so seeing her every day in the office was no longer new to them. 

"Tama na 'yan, guys. Focus na muna tayo sa meeting," Jhoanna told the two who were still screaming and fighting. They could recognize when Jhoanna was serious, so they instantly stopped and went back to their seats but not without glaring and rolling their eyes at each other. 

As Jhoanna spoke, everyone listened, including Aiah who was supposed to study for her quiz, but found herself staring at Jhoanna in admiration. She admired how well she could express her thoughts, how she oozed with confidence, how she was so organized in everything. 

At around eleven in the morning, Jhoanna dismissed the meeting for lunch and for the rest of their classes. They always conducted a meeting once a week, but this time, since there was an upcoming event, they needed to plot everything. 

"Jho, tara lunch," Staku invited, standing and getting ready to go out along with others.

"Mauna-" Jhoanna wasn't able to finish her answer when Aiah butted in. 

"I bought lunch for us! We'll stay here hehe."

"Bumili ka? Pati sakin?" Jhoanna asked in confusion, and Aiah nodded. "Bakit?"

"Wala lang. Nabanggit mo lang kanina na tinatamad ka magluto for your packed lunch, so I bought na lang fast food for us."

Aside from seeing each other almost every day, they also always talked over texts. Aiah always had questions in mind and shared even the littlest things with her, like sending a picture of her cat, Ling, or her food for snacks or dinner, sometimes even her face that was dangerously so beautiful. Aiah always had a topic to talk about. 

"Grabe, close na close na pala kayo. Pinagpapalit mo na 'ko, Ate Jho." Sheena dramatically wiped her fake tears. 

"Baliw. Lumayas na nga kayo rito. Buti pa si Aiah dinadalhan ako pagkain ng libre, kayo dadalhan niyo nga 'ko, may bayad na, may delivery fee pang mas mahal pa sa pagkain ko."

"Syempre, 'di ka naman maganda para dalhan ka namin ng pagkain na libre," Staku teased, sticking her tongue out to Jhoanna. 

"She's pretty kaya," Aiah puzzledly interjecting, her face contorted in confusion and objection while looking at Jhoanna.

Jhoanna blushed and masked it with a laugh, shyly and softly pushing Aiah's face to the side so not to look at her. "Ang seryoso mo naman. Joke lang nila 'yun. Sanay na 'ko d'yan sa mga 'yan."

"Oo nga, Aiah. Masasanay ka rin sa mga 'to, baka nga next time Ikaw na target niyang mga 'yan eh," Colet added.

"Hindi 'no, Ate Jho will forever be my favorite!" Sheena piped, Jhoanna only rolled her eyes at her.

Aiah nodded in understanding and also laughed. They decided to go out already, leaving Jhoanna with Aiah, and that feeling again that only came out whenever they were left alone. The never-ending consciousness and strong awareness of her surroundings whenever she was close to her. 

They were silent, Jhoanna deciding to focus on finishing something on her laptop while Aiah was waiting for her to initiate. But it seemed like she got so deep in working again that Aiah stopped waiting and started taking out the food from its bag. 

Jhoanna was busy encoding something in her laptop when a spoonful of chicken and rice stopped in front of her mouth. Her eyes widened in surprise and looked up at Aiah.

"Jhoanna, say ahh."

"Ha-" Aiah pushed the food in her mouth despite her confusion. "Ammobamananyan!"

"Don't talk when your mouth is full," Aiah reminded, also eating using the same spoon as she fed her with. 

Omg! Indirect kiss na ba 'yon? Ay, wait, bakit ko 'to iniisip? Weird 'ko na talaga. Aiah naman kasi eh.

It wasn't new. It shouldn't be. Friends do the same too, there were even times that her friends would share utensils, drink in the same glass or bottle, but she would never think of any malice. It should be the same with Aiah. They were friends. 

"You have to eat lunch on time, too. You're always letting lunch time pass. It's not healthy. Ahh."

Jhoanna had no other choice but to open her mouth and just let Aiah feed her. For some reason, being taken care of sort of had that addicting feeling inside her. She was always the one to take care, remind, and think of other people, but this time, being nagged like this by Aiah felt... affectionately wonderful.

She never thought she needed the feeling of being babied until Aiah came and did it to her.

"Ako na, Aiah. Kumain ka na rin." She tried to steal the spoon, but Aiah was quick to pull them away. 

"Do your thing while I feed you. Let me take care of you, Jhoanna."

"Hindi! Mahihirapan ka lang eh, akin na!" Jhoanna tried to pull her arm, but Aiah kept on trying to avoid her. They looked silly having their arms raised for a spoon. "Ako na kasi. May kamay naman ako."

"I know, pero you only have two but you have a lot of things to do pa. This is my only way of helping you at least," she replied, pulling Jhoanna's hand and holding it tightly so she wouldn't steal the spoon. "Let me, please?"

Jhoanna sighed, biting the inside of her cheeks, trying her best not to smile so wide and blush once more. Aiah's hand was indeed so smooth and soft like marshmallows.

Aiah, ano bang ginagawa mo sa'kin?

"O-oh pa'no 'ko ngayon gagawa kung hawak mo naman isa kong kamay?"

Aiah grinned and let out her favorite cute chuckle, "hehe."

"Alam kong cute ka, pero yung kamay ko, huy!"

"You have one more hand pa naman to type, I'm going to feed you anyway, so this hand has no use." 

Jhoanna didn't know if Aiah was aware of the effect she had on her and that she was enjoying how she was suffering inside because if by simply holding each other's hands was already making her inside go wild, then what more when she intertwined their fingers? 

Yung puso ko, sasabog na!

She realized that she would never win against Aiah so pretending to be defeated, she just let her. She couldn't say that she became slower when she encoded on her laptop, or it became more difficult to move with only one hand because despite those, she loved the feeling of holding Aiah's hand. 

Aiah continued to feed her as they stayed and coped with that setup. Feeding her, then feeding herself, using the same spoon, drinking on the same cup of coke. The older girl seemed to be enjoying, her smile never fading, while it was an inner torture inside Jhoanna. 

They were like inside their own bubble, only them inside and enjoying each other's presence, contented with their setup, and wishing it could go on longer.

How Jhoanna wished it would be longer. Yet, the sudden opening of the door made the two of them jump on their seats and their intertwined hands immediately separating. They were like deer caught in the headlight, looking away, feeling caught despite not hiding anything. 

Entering the room was Mikha, smiling cluelessly with the lunch she bought in hand. "Hi, can I eat here too?"

"O-oo naman. Bakit nagpapaalam ka pa?" Jhoanna said, clearing her throat, stealing a glance at Aiah who also glanced at her. The bubble earlier popped and vanished.

"Nagsisimula na ba kayo kumain?" Mikha asked, taking a seat in between Aiah and Jhoanna. "May dala akong hot soup for you, Ate Aiah. It's better with your cold food."

"Ay, for Aiah lang? Nasa'n akin, Mikhs?" Jhoanna pouted. She quickly motioned to Aiah to give the spoon and food to her because all this time, they were sharing the same food and spoon.

"Wala. Kaya mo namang bumili d'on," Mikha teased, laughing when Jhoanna made a face. 

"Ayoko naman n'yan, sus. Pinopormahan mo lang si Aiah eh." Aiah handed her the new pack of food and new spoon, while the spoon they used earlier was in her mouth, biting on it while both of her hands were busy. 

Jusko naman! Ano ba 'tong utak ko!

"Oo nga. Kaya manahimik ka d'yan."

The answer made Jhoanna shut up, staring at her friend who was now tending on Aiah. For some reason, thoughts came in her mind, and her heart ached even without any comprehensible reason. 

Mikha was obviously serious. Jhoanna thought it was just a crush, but Mikha seemed to have a different plan. It was enough for Jhoanna to reflect on herself. 

Tama ka nga, Ate Colet. Lagi ka na lang tama.

Chapter Text

Jhoanna was competitive.

As far as she could remember, there wasn't anything she had given up on that she didn't give her whole effort. There wasn't a time that she had not joined something that she thought was interesting.

Her life was not the boring school life like many others who would prefer to just stay in their room, lazing around. But not also that extravagant like some students who would go to parties and enjoy themselves.

It was just right, her school life was filled with so many competitions she joined and aced, extracurricular activities that she enjoyed, and responsibilities that kept her busy.

Aside from academics, she was competitive in general.

"Hoy, Jho! Tama na, wala ka ng pera pambili ng pagkain mamaya, tingnan mo."

Colet pulled her away from the claw machine, but Jhoanna whined and tried to go back with a pout. "Yung sisiw na stuffed toy, Ate Colet, sayang!"

"Makakain mo ba 'yan, ha? Sige, bumalik ka d'on, aalis na kami. Papacute pa," Staku said while rolling her eyes.

"Inaaway mo na naman. Balikan mo na lang mamaya, Jho. Marami pa tayong hindi napupuntahan," Maloi said, meddling in before Stacey and Jhoanna collided in their banter.

"Isa na lang 'yan eh..." Jhoanna uttered with a sigh then forced herself to look away from the claw machine and walked with them.

They were in the mall, deciding to spend the rest of the afternoon there when the teachers had a sudden meeting and cut class for the afternoon. Of course, Jhoanna tried to refuse, telling them that she would study and do some of her pending activities. But her friends had enough of her reasons like that so they just yanked her with them.

Now, she was there, getting utterly competitive about catching that one and only yellow chick stuffed toy in the claw machine. She was frustrated whenever the stuffed toy would fall from being clawed loosely.

It was rare to find Jhoanna stressed over something not academic-related, and as Jhoanna's best friend, Stacey knew that very well. It just meant that she really liked that thing and that she was ready to spend all her money to get it.

So, she went to her side, linked their arms and coaxed her. "Sasamahan kita mamaya. Babalikan natin 'yan. 'Pag may nakakuha, bibilhin natin kahit magkano."

"Totoo?" Jhoanna asked, looking at her with her glistening and expressive eyes.

Stacey rolled her eyes but grabbed her closer as they started to walk. "Oo nga. Apaka arte nito. 'lika na."

"Eyy, ang main ship ko lumalayag," Sheena commented, teasing the two as always, and took a picture of them from the back.

Stacey and Jhoanna might always banter, but it would only last for a few minutes then they were good and sweet to each other right after. It had been their dynamic, and their friends just got used to their mood swings.

For Jhoanna, Stacey was her diary. She knew everything about her, sometimes even better as she knew things that she had forgotten about herself. She was just comfortable when she was around, and they may fight like kids, but she knew Stacey would do everything for her despite some complaints.

Though, she could feel that they really needed some time together since they had become busy and it had been a while since the last time they spent time alone together. She had to remind herself of that. She could sense that something was bothering Stacey, though whenever she would ask, she would only deny it.

"Guys, malapit na raw sila Mikha. Hintayin na natin bago tayo kumain," Maloi said, holding her phone as she read the message from Mikha.

Jhoanna let out a soft sigh as they stopped and waited at the side. Mikha's arrival meant Aiah's arrival, too. They were together. Mikha was subtly making a move to Aiah, and Jhoanna should actually feel proud. Her friend finally found someone who kept her interested.

For some reason, they had been talking and seemingly getting closer to each other. Jhoanna had no idea, she didn't ask, Mikha was also vocal about it, Aiah didn't tell her about her communication with her as well. So, she was surprised when she said that she invited Aiah to their plan before Jhoanna could.

And since she was the one who invited Aiah, she was Mikha's responsibility. Jhoanna decided not to meddle in.

"Okay ka lang ba?" Stacey asked when she noticed that Jhoanna had become silent. "Iniisip mo pa rin ba yung stuffed toy? Sabing babalikan naman eh. After nating kumain, hihiwalay tayo."

The stuffed toy was nowhere near what she was thinking, but still, Jhoanna nodded and leaned closer to Stacey. There was just this feeling that she needed someone to keep her from her thoughts, and surprisingly, Stacey didn't complain, she just pulled her closer.

Usually, Stacey would complain first just to tease her. But this time, it felt like they both needed that distraction from something they both couldn't voice out.

"Ayan na sila," Gwen said, gaining their attention as they looked to their left where Mikha and Aiah were walking towards them.

Jhoanna glanced at them. It would be a lie if she would say that she wasn't waiting to see Aiah again. They had seen each other yesterday, or almost every day, but her day wasn't complete without seeing or talking to her. Ano bang tawag dito, secret crush?

Aiah was smiling and waving her hands freely at them, a bright energy that she always possessed with her. How lucky Mikha was to be with her all the way to the mall and see that smile...

Ay, ano ba 'tong iniisip ko? Kaibigan mo silang dalawa, huy!

Pero wala naman sigurong masama kung magka-crush... No, no. Masama 'yun. Back out ka na. Kay Mikha na s'ya.

Jhoanna's eyes went to where Aiah's things were carried by Mikha. Ang sweet naman. Obviously, Mikha was really making moves on Aiah, and it seemed that Aiah was not against the idea as well, so just like what a normal friend would do, Jhoanna would bounce herself away.

There was a faint squeeze in her heart at that thought, a feeling that no one would ever know but herself. She was just probably overreacting, it was just a silly crush just like what everybody had toward the one and only Aiah Arceta.

Jhoanna closed her eyes, leaned her head on Stacey's shoulder, and repeated the mantra she had been saying every night. Patayin habang maaga. Wala kang pag-asa.

She felt Stacey's hand squeezed her waist, making her look up at her questioningly. But her brows furrowed when she wasn't looking at her, and she seemed unaware that she was already gripping her a little tightly.

"Staks, masakit..." she softly whispered, despite the frown on her face.

Stacey's eyes widened and immediately rubbed her side, feeling apologetic over what she had unconsciously done. "Sorry, Jho. 'Di ko sinadadya. Masakit ba? Bumaon ba yung kuko ko?"

"Hindi naman. Okay ka lang?" she asked worriedly, holding her hand and completely facing her.

Stacey rarely lost her composure. She would always be attentive and knew what she was doing, all for a purpose, never unconscious. The first time she saw her like this was two years ago. She remembered the reason was that Mikha was ignoring her, and she was thinking about what she did wrong.

She wondered what was wrong with her this time.

However, she shook her head and smiled, although a bit forced and fake. "Wala. Unconsciously na-cute-an lang ako sa belly mo kaya nakurot ko. Ito naman si overthink. Cute mo."

Stacey pinched her cheeks, causing her to hiss and frown, slapping her hands away. "Ano ba!? Ito si kurot, masakit ha!"

"Hala, ang sweet! May progress na sa ship natin, Ate Maloi!"

"Ingay mo, bebe. Nasira tuloy moment nila."

Jhoanna and Stacey looked behind them and realized that their friends were all looking at them, teasingly eyeing them as if they were doing something out of the ordinary. Of course, it was led by Sheena, hitting her Ate Maloi, who was hitting her back, as Gwen tried to stop them.

Even Aiah was watching, though she was just silently observing with a tight-lipped smile. She was confused, and obviously unaware of this shipping happening in their circle.

It had been their inside joke. Since she and Stacey were so close, always fought but still cared for each other, they were teasing them that they could potentially develop something more than best friends. Their teasing actually made things awkward between the two of them at some point, but they talked it out and cleared things that they could only see each other as siblings.

It was fun though, so they would sometimes ride along the joke for entertainment.

"Ay, nandyan pala kayo? Kala ko nasa date kami ng baby ko," Stacey said, pulling Jhoanna by her shoulder closer to her. Of course, it earned squeals from their friends.

"Hoy, kayo ha. Aminin n'yo, may nangyayari na 'no?" Maloi inquisitively eyed her friends.

"Siguro sila na," Colet added, her eyes shining in excitement.

"Siraulo ka ba?" Jhoanna could only say. "Tigilan n'yo nga kami. Sa'n ba tayo kakain?"

It was then that they decided to stop teasing them. Jhoanna could only sigh as she listened to her friends who started arguing over the multiple suggestions of where they should eat.

She felt like someone was looking at her, so she glanced at the back and found Aiah and Mikha. They were just standing side by side behind her and Stacey, silently listening, but their eyes were on them. They weren't even talking to each other.

Jhoanna met Aiah's eyes. She tried to smile, but her brows furrowed when Aiah didn't smile back. Her eyes went to her hand intertwined with Stacey's. Then after a few seconds, she looked away, a scowl showed on her face but it vanished quickly and just rested on her poker face. Problema nito?

They decided to eat in Mang Inasal. Of course, Jhoanna was seated beside Stacey, and Aiah was quick enough to sit on her other side as if someone was threatening to take it. She even bumped her shoulder and almost lost her balance in a rush.

Jhoanna held her elbow until Aiah was seated properly. "May hinahabol ka ba? Nagmamadali ka."

"Yeah, I need to catch up, I think I was late," Aiah answered seriously, her eyes drifting to Stacey for a while before going back to her.

"Huh? Saan?" Jhoanna didn't get it. Her answer was far too out of context.

Instead of explaining, Aiah shook her head. Unfortunately for Mikha, there was no longer a space next to Aiah, hence she opted to choose the chair across from her.

Unfortunately for Jhoanna too, she would be seeing how they would interact with each other, and how Mikha would take care of Aiah. But like how she would usually do, she would just remain silent, pretend that everything was alright, and gaslight herself that what feeling she had inside was nothing but hunger.

As expected, when their food arrived, Mikha immediately tended to Aiah, making her sauce, asking if she wanted spicy or not, and all the sorts. Jhoanna could only mind herself, doing everything not to look at their way.

Not looking at their way only meant looking at Stacey more.

"Crush mo ba 'ko? Tingin ka nang tinging d'yan," Stacey sternly noticed, rolling her eyes.

"Sungit mo naman. Bawal ka tingnan? Kailangan may approval mo?" she fired back.

"Oo! Baka ma-inlove ka pa d'yan, 'di kita masasalo."

The answer made Jhoanna's brow raised. Stacey hadn't shared anything about her love life lately, very unusual of her, especially that she was the type to easily develop crushes on someone.

"At bakit naman aber?"

"May hawak ako eh." She raised her two hands squeezing the lime in her sauce. "Kung okay lang sa'yo mag-amoy kalamansi, edi sige."

"Ano meron sa inyo today?" Colet asked, brows furrowed. "Lagi naman kayong nag-aaway, pero parang iba ngayon."

"Kaya nga, extra flirty sila. Alam mo 'yon, parang amoy 'kung hindi kami pwede, tayo na lang' story something," Maloi added, unaware of how awfully on point it described the situation they were in.

Jhoanna was about to answer, explain something, or deny whatever allegations they had in mind but an arm snaked on her waist. It caused her to freeze and bite back the response, her mind short-circuiting. She looked at Stacey, hoping it was her, but her hands were on the table.

That only left her with one person on her other side, exactly where the arm was from, the feeling of her side attached to her. Her thumb softly caressed her side. The feeling made her freeze, her heart dangerously skipping a beat, her eyes fluttering in surprise.

She slowly turned her head to the other side, however, the other was already waiting so she hit Aiah's head with hers.

"Flirting won't make you full, Jhoanna. Start eating," she whispered, her voice firm, almost sounding demanding, her tone was edgy.

Aiah pulled her closer to her with the hand on her waist, so she had no other choice but to move toward her if they weren't even close enough. "I want to make your sauce but I don't know how. This is my first time eating here, sorry."

It made Jhoanna completely look at her with a shocked face. "Seryoso ba? Hala, dapat pala ata sa totoong restaurant tayo hindi-"

"No. I'm not maarte naman. I'm not afraid of trying everything. Don't think of me that way, even if it costs one peso, I'll still eat it as long as it's edible."

With how elegant and rich Aiah was, a lot of people would certainly assume that she was picky, but upon knowing her closer, Jhoanna realized that she was just simple, even simpler than other people who were choosy in their food. Aiah was the type to eat whatever was on her plate, she was grateful for just everything and Jhoanna admired her for that.

And so many other things.

"I mean, except for vegetables hehe," she added, which caused Jhoanna to chuckle.

"Thankfully, walang veggies dito. Kumain ka na, masarap chicken nila, promise!" Jhoanna started pouring chicken oil on her rice and used her hand to mix it.

"What's that orange liquid?" Aiah asked, her hand finally off of her waist and now confused on how to eat in such a place for the masses.

"Chicken oil 'yan. Masarap, try mo. Lagyan kita ha." Jhoanna poured some on her rice. "Try mo na. 'Pag gusto mo pa, sabihin mo sa'kin, unli rice dito."

Jhoanna watched as Aiah reluctantly indulged on the food. She was watching her until her first bite, her first reaction, and how she hummed, her eyes widening and her head nodding in approval.

"It tastes good nga! I love this!" she exclaimed in surprise, her feet bouncing in happiness.

Hay, Aiah. Ang ganda mo na nga, ang cute mo pa–

"Cute mo naman, Ate Aiah," Mikha suddenly said, watching Aiah with a soft smile and clearly admiring Aiah's actions.

Jhoanna just smiled and decided to eat as well. She didn't know if it was because of the person seated beside her or that the food was really extra delicious this time. It was just ordinary before, but now, it somehow tasted sweet and she wanted more.

While they were eating, they were also talking, catching up and talking about things outside the school. She loved it when they hung out, it was healing, just laughing and casually sharing funny things with each other. And now, with Aiah as an addition.

"Tapos si Ate Maloi nadapa- ack!" Jhoanna coughed and coughed, the food in her mouth going the wrong way while she was talking loudly to her friends.

"Jho!"

"Jhoanna!"

Two glasses of water placed in front of her and two hands were on her back. Stacey and Aiah looked at each other when their hands collided, their hands stopped from rubbing Jhoanna's back as they looked at each other, both brows furrowed, as their worried eyes changed to something competitive.

"Ay..." Maloi commented, seeing the sudden shift in mood.

Unaware of the tension, Jhoanna reached for the nearest glass and drank from it, but it wasn't enough so she also drank the other one. After a while, her cough subsided, punching her chest softly as she looked at her friends, an embarrassed grin coming out of her lips.

However, it hung on when she saw their reactions. They weren't looking at her but to the two people beside her. It was then when she realized that Aiah and Stacey were holding her back, having some tension in their stares, and both looked confusingly fierce.

Anong nangyayari? Nasamid lang ako may ganito na?

"Guys," Colet cleared her throat. "Okay na si Jho. Patapos na rin naman tayo kumain 'di ba?"

Jhoanna felt a kick on her foot, hissing as she looked at Colet who mouthed to her to ease whatever tension there was between these two because there was still an awkward and tense silence despite the attempt to ease it.

"Oo, okay na 'ko. Thanks sa... tubig at sa...tapik sa likod ko, Staks, Aiah," she said awkwardly, pulling both of their hands from her back and patting their backs instead with the hope of easing the stiffness in the atmosphere.

It seemed to succeed when Aiah broke the stares and looked at her with a worried face. "Don't talk when your mouth is full next time."

"Ganyan talaga 'yan si Jho. 'Di nag-iingat madalas, pero nandito naman ako to rescue her kahit saan," Stacey replied, pulling out sheets of tissue as she wiped Jhoanna's face.

There was a bit of force in Stacey's action so it made her frown and glared at her. Ito pa isa, anong problema nito? Hindi naman 'to aggressive sa ibang tao, sa'kin lang.

"As how she deserved to be taken care of. I can handle her naman if wala ka," Aiah replied, pursing her lips before glancing at her.

Jhoanna held Stacey's hand when she was about to say something. She had no idea what suddenly made them act like that. There was obviously a tension that they all had no idea of the root cause. Ang hirap naman samirin, bigla na lang nagbabago ang mood.

"Tara, guys. Tapos naman na lahat kumain, 'di ba? Gala na tayo," Sheena interjected, standing up first and cutting the tense atmosphere off.

They washed their hands and went out of the place. Maybe all that they just needed was to divert their attention from what happened, but since then, there was a distinct silence between Aiah and Stacey, and all they could just do was to avoid interacting with each other.

They decided to window shop first while thinking of what they would buy. Aiah, as always, instantly found herself walking beside Jhoanna. However, this time, Mikha was also on her other side, adamant to have a conversation with her.

Jhoanna chose to ignore that and just enjoyed the time with her friends. Yet, Aiah seemed to have other plans. She felt fingers slipped between her fingers smoothly, her warmth felt all too well on her skin as their arms touched, and her scent invading her system once more.

She bit the inside of her cheek. Friendly lang talaga siya, Jhoanna. 'Wag mong isipan ng kung ano. Physical touch lang siguro love language ni Aiah.

She looked around her friends, hoping no one could see them holding hands, especially Mikha. Thankfully, she wasn't looking, still busy talking to Aiah that Jhoanna didn't care to listen to. So what if they were talking about legos, flowers, their likes and dislikes, and their favorites?

However, she met a pair of eyes quickly. It was Colet who looked away immediately. The way she looked at her was just subtle, but she immediately knew that she was already thinking of something. She was not observant for nothing.

Jhoanna tried to shake off Aiah's hand, which made the older girl look at her quickly with confusion. She didn't look at her, just continuously pulled out her hand until she succeeded. Or so she thought.

The next thing she knew, Aiah grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to her, firmly holding her while still casually talking to Mikha, she even laughed at whatever funny jokes she said.

Wow, best in pretending. Kainis naman! Bat ba ayaw ako pakawalan!? Baka kung ano isipin ni Ate Colet.

The way Aiah's hand was softly patting her waist as if she were a baby being put to sleep was calming. She sighed and stopped pushing her hand off of her and unconsciously leaned closer. She gave up thinking about what Colet would probably think about them, she could definitely think of a lot of explanations later on.

"Jho," Stacey called, looking back at her since she was walking ahead of them. "May babalikan nga pala tayo. Tara na. Baka mawalan 'yon!"

"Hala, oo nga pala! 'Pag wala akong naiuwi talaga ngayon, ikaw sisihin ko," she replied, remembering the yellow chick stuffed toy.

"Bakit ako? Ikaw 'tong engot at hindi sanay tumantya eh!" Stacey pulled her hand, dragging her to where the claw machine was earlier. However, she was forced to stop when she got pulled back.

Jhoanna looked at her other hand being held by Aiah. All her other friends were looking at them, at the three of them, especially her, who had both her arms stretched widely while being held by two beautiful girls.

"A-Aiah..."

"Where are you heading? Pwedeng sumama?" she asked, hopeful, but at the same time, unyielding. She wouldn't take 'no' as an answer.

"Bawal. Humiwalay rin kayo ni Mikha kung gusto n'yo," Stacey answered sternly, pulling Jhoanna harder to her side, but Aiah wouldn't let go. The younger girl left frowning in the middle.

Aray ha!

"Ang attitude mo naman today. What's your problem?" Mikha confronted, furrowing her brows at Stacey's problematic attitude since earlier. She was getting irritated as well because Aiah didn't deserve such treatment.

"Wala ka na r'on, Mikha Lim. Mind your own business, and that's Ate Aiah. Aalis na kami." Still, Aiah was holding onto Jhoanna, and it made Stacey annoyed. "Jhoanna, isa. 'Pag ako na-bwisit, bahala ka sa buhay mo."

"Maglalaro lang kami sa claw machine, Aiah. May gusto kasi ako r'on na stuffed toy. Babalik din kami agad, guys! Chat n'yo na lang kung nasa'n kayo."

Despite not wanting to let go, Jhoanna pulled her hand from Aiah's hold and let Stacey drag her away. Something was definitely up with Stacey.

---

"Hindi ko makuha. Ikaw nga, try mo!" Jhoanna stomped her feet, pouting at Stacey because of another failure of getting the stuffed toy. It had been her fifth try since they arrived, but she just couldn't get the right way.

When she looked at Stacey, her friend was zoning out. She was just looking at the claw machine mindlessly, deep in whatever her thoughts were. Now that she realized, she had been utterly quiet the whole time they arrived, and she wasn't like that whenever they were together.

"Staks," she called softly. Stacey blinked and was surprised, she was about to apologize but Jhoanna spoke first. "Pwede mo naman i-share sa'kin, 'di ba?"

Stacey flinched as if the thought scared her. "Alam ko..."

"Hindi naman kita iju-judge. Kahit ano pa 'yan, never kitang iiwan. Hindi ko nga binuking at tinawanan ko lang yung nagregalo ka ng buhay na palaka kay Sir Roberto nung Teacher's Day kasi pinunit niya yung research paper niyo kaya galit na galit siya at pina-imbestigahan pa sa'kin. May mas malala pa ba r'on?"

Stacey scoffed at the memory. It had probably become one of Sir Roberto's core memories. If he wasn't just so terror that he had to tear their research paper just for the show, he would have received a box of chocolate instead.

Nonetheless, Stacey's problem was far worse than that. It was too personal, and she wasn't so proud. She trusted Jhoanna, but it was just so hard to share, especially when she wasn't very sure yet.

"Oh sige, ano na lang... Hint. Kahit 'wag na lahat, hint na lang kung ano man 'yang problema mo."

Stacey could do that. She sighed, chewing the inside of her lower lip. "It's about Mikha and-"

"What about me?"

Jhoanna and Stacey looked behind and saw Mikha and Aiah. Stacey's eyes widened upon seeing them. Mikha had a questioning look toward Stacey, while Aiah was just silently observing.

Stacey rolled her eyes after gathering herself back. "Anong ginagawa n'yo rito? D'on kayo sa ibang lugar mag-date. Busy kami."

"We're not on a date," Aiah corrected. "I want a stuffed toy rin."

"Oh, meron naman d'on sa Timezone, ba't dito pa kayo nagpunta?"

"'Wag mo ngang sungitan si Ate Aiah! Kanina ka pa ha. 'Pag ako napuno sa'yo," Mikha warned, starting to get annoyed at Stacey. She was blunt, but it was mostly for a joke, yet this time, she was serious.

"Edi mapuno ka! Anong pake ko? As if naman may pake ka sa nararamdaman ko."

"What are you saying? Palagi ka na lang ganyan. You can't even communicate your thoughts tapos aarte ka nang ganyan."

"Whatever. Ayoko na, aalis na 'ko." Stacey turned her back and faced Jhoanna, who was confused. "Sorry, Jho. Next time na lang natin kunin 'yang stuffed toy mo. Nawala na ako sa mood. Bye."

"Wait, Staks..." Jhoanna didn't know what to do. Stacey walked away, stomping her feet like a sulky child. She glanced at Mikha, who had her lips pursed and brows furrowed, then to Aiah, who looked concerned.

"Sundan ko lang-"

"Ako na," Mikha spoke, not waiting for her answer and just walked toward the way Stacey took.

The situation left Aiah and Jhoanna alone, confused and had no idea what had just happened. Jhoanna made a mental note to talk to Jhoanna one of these days. The way she was acting was concerning as her best friend.

Aiah then walked to her. "Well... I guess that left the two of us?"

"Oo. Tara, balikan na lang natin sila Ate Colet."

"Ay? Ayaw mo 'ko i-date? Ayaw mo 'ko kasama mag-isa?"

"H-huh? Date?" She didn't know if she meant it the same way as how it registered in her mind, but... Hello? Isang Aiah Arceta nag-aaya mag-date!? Sa'kin?

Aiah giggled, pulling her back to the claw machine. "Which one do you like nga here? This yellow chick? Let me try to get it for you."

Jhoanna was in danger. She knew she said she would stop this silly crush, and that what she was feeling was nothing more than a silly crush.

However, as they were left alone, as she observed Aiah arduously targeted the yellow chick in the claw machine,

the way she frustratedly ballooned her cheeks as she slipped more tokens in the slot,

how her brows would furrow whenever it would fall, how she pushed her hair to the back so she could focus more,

and how her eyes widened and shone brightly when the claw finally got a good grip of the stuffed toy until it fell on the hole...

Dug dug.

Jhoanna's heart ached. She can't have this girl.

---

The next days passed by so quickly, yet so slowly for Jhoanna as well. These past few days, it was only her and her academic responsibilities. Her friends had become a background, the people around her became distractions. She was alone, at the same time, she wasn't. Maybe she chose to.

Currently, she was in the library. She was rarely there, usually she would be in the SSC Office, but somehow, she just wanted to be alone. Thankfully, there was an empty table hidden at the very back of the library, giving her the silence she needed.

She was studying quietly, her phone on DnD, and she didn't let the subtle noise in the library distract her. This had been her coping mechanism, whenever she didn't want to think of something, she would study hard, read whatever book that could get her mind off things.

"Sabi na nandito ka eh!"

Jhoanna jumped in surprise as a short squeal came out of her mouth. She immediately covered her lips, apologizing to the students who were surprised at her scream. She glared at the woman in front of her.

"Ano? Hindi kita ginugulat, akala ko napansin mo 'ko," Colet defended, chuckling and satisfied at Jhoanna's reaction.

The younger one only rolled her eyes. "Anong ginagawa mo rito? Lunch ah."

"Kaya nga. Lunch. So, bakit ka nandito? Hinahanap ka ng girls, hindi ka pa sumasabay sa'min kumain ngayong linggo. Anong problema?"

"Grabe, problema agad? Hindi pwedeng busy lang?"

Jhoanna sounded defensive, but of course, she needed it, especially when she was talking to her Ate Colet, who could easily read her.

"Oo beh, alam ko na 'yang ganyan mo. Busy ka kasi may problema ka. Sabihin mo na, sino?"

"Hoy, anong sino? Wala 'no!"

"Si Aiah ba?"

Wala talagang preno bunganga nito eh.

"Hindi. Ba't naman ako magkaka-problema d'on? Bait-bait n'on eh. Saka ba't naman siya yung naisip mo? Pwede naman sayo ako may problema."

"Ay, sa'kin? Kala ko naka-move on ka na?"

Jhoanna gasped as Colet laughed out loud. As much as possible, she didn't want to remember that time. "Ah, gan'on? Ginaganyan mo 'ko after kong maging tulay sa inyo ni Ate Maloi?"

"Biro lang, ito naman." Colet became silent, a small smile on her face as she stared at Jhoanna. "Pero we could have happened, 'no? Kung hindi lang sobrang selfless mo."

Jhoanna played on her pen. She was done with thinking of those possibilities. She regretted it at first, but she was happy, genuinely happy for her and Maloi.

"Hindi rin. Wala kang gusto sa'kin-"

"Meron, Jho. Nagkaro'n," she firmly replied, looking at her eyes. "Ikaw ang gusto ko bago si Maloi, pero dahil sa katutulak at kaaasar mo sa'kin sa kanya, siya na ang nagustuhan ko."

"Gusto ka niya eh. Mas gusto ka niya kaysa sa pagkagusto ko sa'yo."

Jhoanna remembered all of her Ate Maloi's effort to get Colet's attention, the way she was so clingy, so sweet, so protective, and so happy when it was about her. She felt insecure, she cowered, and she knew by then that Maloi deserved Colet more than her, so she gave up before she could even start.

Well, seeing how happy they were together, she wasn't regretting her choice of giving up.

"Stop thinking about other people, Jhoanna. You matter, too. What you feel matters either. Kung palagi kang ganyan, hindi ka magkakar'on."

"Okay lang-"

"Hindi, Jho. Hindi okay 'yon. You're giving up your happiness for other people without thinking you might also be the happiness for someone else. Sa tingin mo ba hindi ako nasasaktan tuwing pinupush mo 'ko kay Maloi? Ikaw yung gusto ko kasama pero parang ayaw mo 'ko kasama. Masakit din para sa'kin yon."

"Hoy, Ate Colet. Parang ikaw yung hindi pa nakaka-move on sa'tin," Jhoanna joked, hitting her arm softly. But in truth, she badly wanted to change the topic.

"Boang! I'm just looking out for you."

"Para saan? 'Di naman need."

Deep inside, Jhoanna knew she herself was lying.

"Sana natuto ka na. Sana hindi mo na ulitin, Jho. Be selfish, please. Be selfish every once in a while."

---

The next day, Jhoanna was hanging out with her friends during lunch again, being dragged by Stacey in the thought that she would study again. She saw her friends seated around the table already, but her eyes certainly looked for a certain someone.

"Wait, si Aiah?" Jhoanna asked upon noticing that Aiah wasn't with them.

"Hindi siya sumasabay ng lunch sa'min, I think twice lang sumabay. Nakikita naman namin siya bumibili ng lunch  pero busy raw sa projects sabi ni Mikha," Maloi answered while taking care of Colet's food.

"Ah, sige. Message ko if available siya," Jhoanna said, sitting on a vacant chair and putting her bag on the other, leaving a space for a certain someone.

"Chinat ko kanina, hindi raw siya makakasabay. Busy pa rin daw," Mikha told her.

"Ay gan'on?" She pursed her lips, feeling disappointed as she was about to exit the message without trying.

"Try mo pa rin, Jho. Malay mo magbago isip," Colet urged, nodding at her as if telling her to continue on with messaging Aiah.

Jhoanna furrowed her brows at her, but she only grinned at her. Nevertheless, she followed and sent her a message.

Hi, Aiah! Busy ka raw? Nag-lunch ka na ba? Dito kami sa cafeteria.

She wasn't expecting a quick message from her, but before she could even exit their conversation, Aiah had already read the message and three dots immediately appeared. She watched her phone in confusion. Luh, kala ko busy 'to?

Not yet po. Save me a seat?
Beside you, if available.

Done. Jhoanna replied with a smile on her face before putting her phone down. "Pupunta raw si Aiah. On the way na siya."

"Sabi na eh," Colet uttered triumphantly, earning a confused look from them. "I mean, ano kasi, may pakiramdam lang ako na pupunta siya. Sixth sense, gan'on."

After a while, Aiah arrived, greeting everyone with her bright smile, instantly taking the seat beside Jhoanna. In the past days that she didn't see her, purposely, Jhoanna realized how much she missed the presence of this girl. Her day wasn't complete without seeing her, that was why she felt a bit tired the past days.

But now that she was beside her again, she felt like a solar panel being recharged after a few days of rain. The sun finally showed up so brightly, powering her up and her energy.

And her return also meant the warmth of her arm around her waist, her scent invading her system, and the comfort she provided whenever she was near. Why did she even avoid her in the first place?

"Uy, Aiah! Buti nakasabay ka na. Let me order food for you, do you want your usual?" Mikha asked, standing immediately to order food for Aiah.

Ah, oo nga pala. Jhoanna was reminded why with that.

"It's okay, Mikha. You're already eating, we're buy our own.  Tara, Jhoanna?"

Jhoanna glanced at Mikha and saw how her face fell. Somehow, she felt guilty with that even though she wasn't really her responsibility. So what was it to her if that was Aiah's decision? She shouldn't meddle in.

"Ako na lang ibili mo, Mikhs. Samahan mo si Aiah."

She knew she shouldn't have said that, and it was confirmed by Colet's kick on her leg. She stopped herself from hissing because it was too strong, but she remained the smile on her face.

Mikha was her friend, too. She didn't want to see any of her friends sad or hurt.

With that, Mikha's smile went back. "Sige ba! Yung usual mo ba?"

Jhoanna just nodded. She met Aiah's eyes, she was looking at her without her smile, as if telling her she wasn't pleased with what she did. Then she stood up upon Mikha's invitation, walking away without a word.

Her phone lit up, a notification came in. A message from Colet.

Hindi ka na natuto.

---

"Hi."

Jhoanna looked up from being too occupied on her laptop and saw Aiah at the door of the SC Office. It was her alone, her friends either still in their class or had gone home. After all, it was already six in the evening of a cold Thursday night.

Aiah messaged Jhoanna if she was still on campus, and fortunately, she was still there, choosing to do her projects at school because all she wanted to do at home was sleep.

"Hello, pasok ka. Tapos na class mo?"

She nodded and hummed, making a beeline to the chair next to her. "It's draining. We were tasked to create a story and draw comics. My eyes hurt from staring too much at my ipad."

Aiah removed her bag and put it on the table, then she moved her chair close to her until they bumped. Jhoanna leaned on the backrest of her chair, while Aiah placed her head on her shoulder. Jhoanna stiffened for a while, but later on relaxed, holding and combing Aiah's hair.

Everything felt so natural, so calming, like a routine you're always doing without much thought because you're so used to it. It had always been the case whenever they were left alone, the serenity of the time whenever it was just them and no one else in the room, it was like a sacred time that only both of them knew.

"I'm sure maganda gawa mo. Ikaw pa ba? Golden hands ata 'to." Jhoanna took Aiah's resting hand by her wrist and raised it, shaking it softly as Aiah just let her wave it like a dead lead.

"Kino-compliment mo lang ako kasi crush mo 'ko," Aiah bravely said, chuckling at her own words.

"Huy, hindi ah. Magaling ka talaga mag-drawing, magaling ka mag-lettering, magaling ka sa mga artsy things. No doubt, mataas grades mo d'on."

"Ay sus! Hindi dineny na crush ako."

Jhoanna's face reddened, she pushed Aiah's head from her. She needed to push her away and change the topic because she might be on the verge of admitting that. "Baliw. D'on ka nga!"

Aiah laughed, the contagious laugh that always made her laugh as well. "I'm just kidding! Hug me. I'm tired, hindi ka ba naawa sa'kin?"

"Ang pa-baby naman nito. Ganyan ka pala pag walang ibang tao ha." Jhoanna teased, but moving closer to her and letting her hug and place her head on her chest. Her arms wrapped around her body, basically cuddling.

"To you lang."

Silence enveloped them. Jhoanna's laptop long forgotten, her arms wrapped around Aiah's too, safely securing her in a hug and letting her take a rest on her. She didn't know why she was doing this, and why she was letting herself do this when she already said that she would stop her silly crush on Aiah.

But whenever she would try to, Aiah would do this. It was as if she knew what she was thinking and she would always make a reason to make her fall more. How could she stop when she was here, hugging her, holding her, and making her heart flutter?

"Jhoanna," Aiah called, suddenly remembering the happening at lunch earlier.

"Hmm?" She waited for what she was going to say, but a few seconds passed and she was still not answering. "Uncomfortable-"

"Don't push me away."

"H-huh?"

"Ipagdamot mo 'ko, Jho."

Aiah didn't need to stay on her chest to hear the loud beating of her heart. She would hear it even if they were far apart.

Ipagdamot kita? Kaya ko ba?

---

"Jhoanna is sick," Mikha said, pulling the chair for Aiah to sit on. Around the table were her other friends except Jhoanna.

"What? Since when?" Aiah asked, eyes widening in concern. She had no classes yesterday, her professors cancelled so she did not go to school.

"Last night. Nabasa ata ng ulan yung ulo. Sakitin kasi 'yun, bawal mabasa ng ulan yung ulo niya. Wala siyang payong kahapon nung umulan nang malakas tapos tumakbo lang siya papunta sa SC Office, ayun, nagkasakit," Sheena explained.

"Ah, so that explains my unread message," Aiah uttered, mostly to herself.

She kept on messaging Jhoanna last night, but her messages were just sent and not delivered. She thought she was blocked, but then realized Jhoanna wouldn't do that, and she could still send messages.

She planned on talking to her today but then this happened. Hay, Jhoanna. You're making me worried.

"Where can I visit her? I don't know her place eh," she asked. Her class would end early, so she could visit her. She also somehow missed her. It was Tuesday, and she didn't see her for four days already.

"I can drive you there. I'll visit Jho, too," Mikha presented, suggestively smiling at her.

"Akala ko ba aalis tayo mamaya? Mag-uusap tayo, sabi mo?" Stacey said, brows furrowed and sulkily looking at Mikha.

"Ay oo nga pala. Pero hindi mo bibisitahin si Jho?" Mikha asked, sounding more careful.

"Ako nag-alaga r'on kagabi. D'on ako natulog." Somehow the answer made Aiah's brow twitch. "Medyo okay naman na siya. Puntahan ko rin later after natin mag-usap kasi gusto niya ng hot soup pag may sakit siya."

"Bff premium 'yan eh," Sheena teased.

"If you have something to do later, I can take care of her instead," Aiah suggested. "Just tell me where she lives."

Stacey raised her brow at her. They still hadn't talked about the sudden tension that happened weeks ago. Aiah just settled to the thought that Stacey disliked her, but the reason, she may or may not have an idea.

"Alam mo po ba kung pa'no magluto, mahal na reyna?" Stacey sarcastically questioned, receiving a nudge from Colet and a frown from Mikha.

"No, but I have a phone to order, I have a car to buy take outs, I can easily call for a private chef to cook for us. A lot of things made convenient for us, why risk burning the house to impress?"

Aiah didn't want to flex what she had. She wasn't that kind of person, but Stacey was pissing her off. So what if she knew how to cook? What mattered most was she would be able to eat no matter if it were made or bought. Her inner insecurity was telling her that could easily learn how  to cook if she wanted to.

"Nag-aaway na naman sila," Maloi whispered, but still enough for all of them to hear. "Ime-message ko na lang sa'yo yung address ni Jho, Aiah. Tumahimik na kayong dalawa."

"Thanks, Maloi."

As promised, Maloi sent her Jhoanna's address. After her class at four in the afternoon, she went straight to Jhoanna's condo. She also bought take outs, making sure she had a variety of soup that she could reheat if Jhoanna asked.

When she arrived, she rang the doorbell, tapping her foot on the floor and patiently waiting for the door to open. She also called Jhoanna, just in case she was sleeping. After a while, the door opened slowly, revealing a vulnerable-looking Jhoanna cutely wrapped in her blanket, the yellow chick stuffed toy in her arms, glasses messily perched on her nose, and eyes half open.

But upon seeing her, she gasped, standing properly and consciously covering her face instantly. "A-Aiah? Anong ginagawa mo rito? Akala ko si Staku! 'Di ka man lang nagsabi."

"I heard you're sick, I got worried so I went here. I hope you don't mind? Can I come in?"

"Oo naman... Pasok ka. Pasensya na, medyo makalat."

As Aiah went in, she looked for the mess she was talking about. But there was none. Everything was in place, organized, and even if she was sick, there wasn't even a single dish to wash in her sink.

Her condo was cozy, it was a bit dark, but understandable since she was sick and she prefered less light. But she bet it was bright in the morning, just like the owner. It also smelled like Jhoanna. It was calming, addicting. Aiah could stay there forever.

Jhoanna went straight to her bed, still feeling dizzy and head still heavy. Aiah put down the food on the counter before following her, sitting on the edge of her soft bed. She cutely looked away and turned her back when she felt her staring.

"Are you shy?"

"'Wag mo 'kong tingnan, ang pangit ko," she whined, voice muffled from the blanket.

"You're pretty," she said in a beat, ready to argue. She pulled Jhoanna's shoulder and made her face her even though they couldn't see each other clearly because of the darkness of the room.

"You're pretty even when you're sick, Jhoanna. You don't even have to do anything and I'd still find you pretty. I'd even be grateful if you're the only one I can look at for the rest of my life."

Jhoanna was thankful for her dark room, Aiah couldn't see how her face became heated, deeply blushing at her words. Yet, her insides gone wild, she could feel the urge to start kicking and scream, but stopped herself.

"Ewan ko sa'yo."

Aiah reached out for her forehead, however, Jhoanna flinched. "Relax. It's just me. I'll just feel if you still have fever."

'Yun nga eh. Ikaw 'yan. Ikaw lang naman nakakapagparamdam sakin ng ganito.

"Sinat na lang, but still you're not fully healed. Do you want something to eat?"

Jhoanna shook her head. "Kakakain ko lang. Mamaya na siguro. Ang gusto ko lang ay mayakap mo."

Aiah froze for a while. She wasn't prepared for a vocal Jhoanna. Usually, she was the one to initiate the skinship, she was just being brave even though she didn't know if Jhoanna would like it. But right now, those words coming from her, she felt herself blushing.

"Uy, kilig siya!" Jhoanna chuckled.

"Clingy mo naman 'pag may sakit, sana kahit wala rin," she teased back, moving herself on the bed and sitting beside Jhoanna with her back on the headboard.

Jhoanna swiftly climbed on top of Aiah, her head in the crook of her neck, arms wrapped around her waist, while Aiah's hands were also wrapped around her. It felt safe when they were in each other's arms.

"Pabukas nga nung light ko, i-set mo sa galaxy."

"Oh, wow! Let me see."

Aiah reached the switch on the bedside table and pressed it until she got what Jhoanna was requesting. She looked up, a smile made way on her face as she rubbed Jhoanna's warm arm.

It was peaceful. Aiah never associated that word with anyone before Jhoanna. She felt contented. She could just stay there as long as she wanted.

She looked up, closing her eyes as well. Jhoanna had her eyes closed, but she knew she was not asleep.

Consciously, Aiah's hand moved its way to Jhoanna's face, able to trace her face even with eyes closed. She was rubbing her soft cheek at first, then moved to tracing her perfectly cut brow, her eyes that bore a lot of emotions, feeling her sharp jaw, then to her chin, until she reached the tip of her cute nose down to her plump lips.

Aiah's heart beat faster, a sudden urge blossomed within her. A picture in her head showed in her most vulnerable time.

No. Stop yourself, Aiah. She's in a vulnerable state, too.

Jhoanna felt Aiah's hand move softly around her face. She was ticklish, but she chose to keep quiet. She was starting to feel sleepy as her hand moved around, but then it stopped right above her lips.

Her thumb moved from left to right, outlining the shape of her lips, from the corner to the other.

Jhoanna felt Aiah let out a shaky breath before pulling her hand back down. She couldn't help but check on her. She pulled her head and looked at her, only then realizing that their faces were too close to each other.

Aiah's eyes were in chaos when she met them. Almost like she was in a battle with herself. However, it stopped soon enough as they stared at each other. Jhoanna saw how her eyes flicked from her eyes to her lips, and how her grip on her arm tightened.

"Anong iniisip mo?" Jhoanna asked, her voice low and quiet.

Aiah swallowed the lump in her throat and licked her dry lips. Jhoanna's eyes unconsciously fell on there too. She chose to focus on her eyes instead. "Dangerous things."

"Katulad ng...?"

The atmosphere was thick. Limited. Nearly suffocating. Probably because there was only a small space between their faces.

"You wouldn't want to know, Jhoanna." It's dangerous. So dangerous.

"Gusto kong malaman. What is in your mind, Ms. Aiah Arceta?"

"You..."

Aiah inhaled softly. She couldn't take it anymore. She felt like she was being seduced every second that passed. She was getting crazy.

"...and me...

Kissing..."

She held both of Jhoanna's cheeks, moving her head slightly forward, enough for their nose to touch. "Like this..."

Jhoanna wasn't exaggerating if she would say that her inside burst upon feeling Aiah's lips on hers. Her heart beat loudly like a bass resonating and shaking her whole body. Her eyes instantly closed, her hand fisted Aiah's uniform as her lips moved in the rhythm she was making.

As they pulled away from the kiss, they both knew something was just about to change.

--

" I'm going home. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry? 'Yun na 'yon? Pagkatapos mo 'kong halikan, aalis ka? The hell?"

"What do you want me to do, then?"

"Sinabi ko na sa'yo, gusto kita. Gustong-gusto kita! Hindi ko nga alam kung simpleng gusto na lang ba 'to tapos hahalikan mo 'ko, then ano, ganyan! Aalis ka, lalayasan mo 'ko? Pinaglalaruan mo ba 'ko ha!?"

"Hindi... Hindi pwede. I can't. I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

"Lintik na mistake 'yan! Why can't you? Ano bang problema?"

"Hindi... Hindi kita gusto. I'm sorry."

Chapter Text

"Ice cream?"

"No."

"Park?"

"No."

"Movie?"

"No."

Mikha's brows furrowed. "Look, Stacey. I did not agree on this and let the chance go to be with Ai-"

"By the beach."

"Ano?"

"Let's talk... By the beach." Stacey looked at her with a serious face, something that told her that she was not in any way wasting time on this as well.

Mikha observed her face. The way her sharp eyes bore so many feelings that she couldn't convey. They were staring at her fiercely and almost burned. Her pursed lips that wanted to say a lot of things but for some reason she couldn't and masked them with her attitude. They were rather inviting in her eyes, a very common thought she kept denying. Her jaw clenched softly, as if her mind kept on telling it not to open, not to say something stupid.

This was the very first time she saw her like this. Usually, Stacey would roll her eyes, pretend she was annoyed, stick her tongue out, but a smile would break out on her lips right after. Usually, Mikha would melt, however, this time, she felt like drying out.

"Okay, come." She held out her hand, waiting for her to take it. Stacey looked at her eyes then to her hand, contemplating whether to take it or not. "What's wrong now? Hinahawakan mo nga kamay ko kahit ayoko, tapos ngayon ako na nag-iinitiate, hindi mo tatanggapin?"

Stacey once again rolled her eyes before taking her hand, a little begrudgingly. "Ang dami mo namang satsat. 'Di naman kailangan magka-holding hands papunta sa kotse mo. Clingy mo talaga."

"Excuse me? May album ka sa'kin na puro ikaw ang nakahawak nang mahigpit, nakayakap, nakaakbay, at naka-kiss sa pisngi ko. You've never seen me once did it to you,," Mikha bragged, trying to pull her hand off Stacey's hold but the latter would never let go. "Oh, tingnan mo?"

"Syempre, mas mahal kita eh," she replied, trying her best to sound casual as she intertwined their hands even more. "Ganyan ka naman. Kunwari ayaw pero gusto naman."

"Kapal mo."

Yet, it was true. Mikha knew it in herself. She might say otherwise, but she loved it when Stacey became clingy. It always came to a point where she would purposely stand next to her, and Stacey's hands would immediately find their way on her hands, waist, or shoulders. She just liked even the smallest touch of their skin.

"Do you want anything to eat? Daan tayo take out before we go." She opened the door for her, a habit she developed because Stacey taught her how.

" Pagbuksan mo naman ako ng door. Prinsesa ako rito oh."

"Wala ka bang kamay para pagbuksan sarili mo?"

"Meron, pero gusto ko ikaw. Bahala ka, hindi ako sasakay hangga't hindi mo binubuksan."

"Oo na! Ang dami mong arte. Kakasama mo 'yan kay Jho."

"Parang hindi ako makakakain," Stacey replied, more to herself but since Mikha was fastening her seatbelt, their faces were close and she could hear even her sigh.

"Bakit naman? Ganyan ba kalala problema mo? How long has it been bothering you?" Mikha worriedly asked, looking at her, unbothered by how small inches the distance of their faces were.

Stacey looked away. "It's been a while, but I don't rely on it much. Nitong nakaraan lang..."

She held Stacey's cheeks, making her look at her. "We'll talk about it, Stacey. We'll clear whatever you have in mind, okay? 'Wag ka ng malungkot d'yan."

"Kiss mo muna 'ko," Stacey said, pouting and wrapping her arms around Mikha's neck as if it were the most natural thing to do.

Mikha's face contorted with fake disgust. "Tapos ako pa clingy sa lagay na 'to. Alis nga."

Still, Stacey lifted Mikha's chin and kissed her cheek. The latter grunted but despite her glaring eyes was the smile that broke out on her lips, while Stacey had a victorious smile on hers.

As per Stacey's request, they went to a public beach where they would usually go whenever they wanted to unwind. They also bought food along the way, and just like what Stacey said, she couldn't eat. She was anxious.

The sun was setting when they arrived, it was beautiful, and the two couldn't help but take a picture. They sat on the sand, their slippers under their bottoms, shoulder to shoulder, the cold breeze pushing their hair to the back, and secretly stealing glances at each other, ending up with one thought. Beautiful.

There were only the two of them there, the universe seemed to be on their side as it was the perfect time to talk.

Stacey couldn't help but feel the anxiety eating her inside again. There was a churn in her stomach that she couldn't explain, a part of her was telling her to back out, telling her to cancel her plan, save herself from what was about to happen. Save her relationship with Mikha.

However, she no longer wanted to prolong the suffering of nightly probing of what ifs. She wanted to grasp the reality, however it may have turned out to be. This should be the time.

"What are you thinking?" Mikha asked softly, gazing at the beautiful orange and red hues of the sky and the metallic picturesque sea. She realized that something serious must really be bothering Stacey with how silent she was.

"You."

With that, Mikha looked at her. Her brow raised, surprised with how bold that sounded. She was waiting for her laughter, or the 'joke' after, but Stacey was just seriously watching the sunset.

"Thank you, then?" she unsurely replied. Her heart beat loudly but like what she would usually do, she looked away and thought of other things. It can't happen.

"I'm sorry if I'm too occupied with other things that I feel like we're growing apart. You can still always call me and I'll be with you shortly."

"Weh? Occupied ka kasi kay Ate Aiah," Stacey replied, her voice laced with bitterness that she didn't even try to hide.

"Syempre iba ka pa rin. Teka nga, napapansin ko lang ha? May galit ka ba kay Ate Aiah? Ano bang ginawa sa'yo nung tao?"

Stacey met Mikha's confused face. She wanted to bitterly laugh. Whenever it was about Aiah, she was getting protective. Sa'kin ka lang ganyan before. Ako lang ang napapansin mo dati.

"Gusto mo talagang malaman?" It's now or never.

"So, meron nga? Ang bait bait nung tao tapos gaganyanin mo. Be good to her, she's going to be my girlfriend soon."

The churn in Stacey's stomach became intense. She wanted to throw up, to cry, to scream, anything that could help to let out the frustrating feeling inside her. It hurt her. Just like always.

"Hindi ka pa nga sure kung gusto ka ni Ate Aiah," she settled with that answer even though she was losing her mind. It was even a miracle that she didn't choke.

"I'll make sure she'll like me. She doesn't reject my advances either so I'm sure we'll get there. Magugustuhan n'ya rin ako or baka nga gusto na n'ya rin ako."

"Magpapakahirap ka talaga para sa babaeng 'yon? Hindi mo pa nga s'ya kilala masyado."

"So? I can take all my time to get to know her. I'm just so sure Ate Aiah will be worth it, I mean, can you see her? She's perfect. We'd be perfect together."

Stacey's jaw clenched. She couldn't breathe. The direction of this talk wasn't going well. It wasn't on her side. As it progressed, her heart's cracks were spreading, threatening to crumble. She knew she should save herself, but sorry for her heart, she was impulsive and determined.

"Ayoko siya para sayo."

Mikha's face crumpled. "Ano?"

"Hindi bagay sa'yo si Ate Aiah. Hindi siya para sa'yo. Ayoko, Mikha." Stacey shook her head. She knew she sounded childish, her eyes becoming teary as she said those words. Her heart couldn't accept it. Ayaw n'ya.

"Ano bang sinasabi mo, Stacey? Bakit ka ba ganyan?"

"Gusto kita, Mikha. Ayoko ka sa iba kasi gusto ko sa'kin ka lang."

Mikha's eyes widened. She felt like she became deaf, but at the same time, all that she could hear was Stacey's confession. No.

"Staku... Please. Stop."

Stacey finally let out of that heaviness in her chest, but at what cost?

Stacey stood up, tears falling on her cheeks. She couldn't read Mikha's face. All that she could see was pity, how she was apologetic for what Stacey was feeling toward her, how she felt sorry that she could not return it. Stacey couldn't stand it.

"Bakit hindi na lang ako, Mikhs?"

Whenever she was with Mikha, she would always give her what she wanted. One pout and it was already given to her. She was spoiled, she was special. It was one of the many reasons why she fell for her, and foolish of her to let herself fall thinking she was there to catch her. Yet, this time, all that was left for her to do was beg, but still, she couldn't get her.

"Stacey..." Mikha clenched her fists. She didn't want to see Stacey crying. If it was another person who made her cry, she would have gone ballistic and beat the whole up of the person. If she could only beat herself up...

The confession made her heart beat faster, butterflies went wild in her stomach. However, it just felt like what she was feeling toward Aiah. Exactly the same flutter Aiah's presence gave her.

She was confused.

She had thought of Stacey being more than friends, but never dwell on it much. She liked the feeling of being with her, the clinginess, the possessiveness, the fun, and everything about her. It just felt light when she was with her. But they were friends... She didn't want to lose that friendship by entertaining that silly thought.

Yet, wasn't she losing her now?

Stacey sobbed, turning her back because she knew she wouldn't get the answer she wanted. The silence was already screaming at her. "U-uuwi na 'ko. Hindi ko na kaya. 'Wag na muna tayong magkita."

"Staks, 'wag namang gan'to." It scared her. The thought of not talking to Stacey, not seeing her, not being with her after a hectic day, not experiencing her comforting hug and annoying kisses.

She was confused.

Stacey didn't listen to her. She continued walking fast even though it was already dark. Every step she took was bringing heaviness in Mikha's heart. She couldn't bear to see her walking out of her life. Stacey was important for her as well.

She was just confused.

And in her confusion and a state of panic that Stacey would leave her forever, she did the most impulsive thing her temperamental mind was telling her.

She ran after her, pulled her by her arm and grabbed her nape. She kissed her. She freaking kissed her. The feeling of Stacey's soft lips, the hotness of her breath, the loud beating of her heart. She kissed Stacey. Only then she realized what she did.

Mikha gasped and pulled away. Her eyes widened in shock at what she did. Her mouth opened but it closed again when she saw Stacey looking at her. There was pain in her eyes, pain from the reaction that she made after the kiss. Stupid. Stupid Mikha.

"Ano 'yon?" Stacey asked after a while of silence. "Bakit mo ginawa 'yon?"

Mikha was a coward. She had always been. It wasn't even surprising that she just closed her eyes and started walking away. She knew she was at fault, and she was already beating herself up for it. Why did I even do it!?

"Bakit mo ginawa 'yon, Mikha Lim!?" Stacey shouted, frustrated and angry. The spark was short-lived when she saw her reaction. It appeared to be a mistake, and the pain doubled when she just started walking away.

But Stacey followed her. This time, it was her who forced her to face her. But the girl couldn't meet her eyes. "Mikha, please..."

"I'm going home. I'm sorry."

Stacey bit her lip in frustration. "I'm sorry? 'Yun na 'yon? Pagkatapos mo 'kong halikan, aalis ka? The hell?"

"What do you want me to do, then?"

Tell me you love me, too. Is it hard to say?

"Sinabi ko na sa'yo, gusto kita. Gustong-gusto kita! Hindi ko nga alam kung simpleng gusto na lang ba 'to tapos hahalikan mo 'ko, then ano, ganyan! Aalis ka, lalayasan mo 'ko? Pinaglalaruan mo ba 'ko ha!?"

"Hindi... Hindi pwede. I can't. I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

"Lintik na mistake 'yan! Why can't you? Ano bang problema?"

"Hindi... Hindi kita gusto. I'm sorry."

From what she remembered, Mikha was always there... not until Aiah arrived. She was left hanging, one finger on the thread of falling in love, looking down on Mikha who was supposed to be ready to catch her, just like always. But her eyes drifted to someone else, and Stacey was left falling broken on the floor.

Her arm that was holding Mikha fell, the same way as her tears started racing on her cheeks. Mas masakit palang marinig ang mga katagang 'yon galing mismo sa kanya.

Mikha pursed her lips, looking at Stacey's pained eyes. She wanted to take it back, just to take that pain away. But instead, she turned her back and started walking away, pulling out her phone and calling someone.

"Ate Maloi... P-pasundo si Staku."

"Mikha? Are you crying?"

"Ate Jho!"

"Ay, kiss!"

"Huy, beh! Sinong na-kiss mo?"

Jhoanna glared at Sheena and rolled her eyes. However, her tongue was pushed back upon seeing that she wasn't alone. Anak ng...

She masked her blush with a fake annoyance, "Ano ba? Ba't ka ba nanggugulat?"

She hid her face behind the thick science book that only her eyes were only seen. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she tried her best not to look at that one tall girl behind Sheena who had been looking at her ever since they arrived.

It had been a week since that happened, and since then, that memory never erased in her head. It kept on replaying in her mind, the feeling was still there, and her heart still kept on beating loudly whenever she would think of it at night.

It had also been a week since everything about them became awkward. They would often look at each other and blush. At least by that Jhoanna knew that she wasn't the only one who was affected by that kiss.

"Bakit ka na naman ba nagtatago rito? Anong pinagkakaabalahan mo?" Colet asked with a frown. "Kailangan pa naming hagilapin ka para makausap ka ulit."

A whole week passed also meant a whole week of attempts to hide from Aiah. Jhoanna just felt like she couldn't be left alone with Aiah again because she was acting weird. Why wouldn't she feel that way when she would always find herself staring at Aiah's lips?

Para akong bading na hayok sa kiss eh.

"Daming pinapagawa. Ba't ba kayo nandito?"

They sat on the chair surrounding her. Jhoanna didn't know if they were doing it on purpose and they knew something or it was just a coincidence that they left the seat next to her for Aiah to take, even though she was the last one to sit.

Aiah's presence immediately invaded her system when she took the seat beside her. There wasn't even any contact of their skin but her mere presence was already enough to send shiver down her spine.

"Nami-miss daw kayo ni Shee. Si Mikha at Stacey hindi na rin sumasabay, nakakausap mo ba best friend mo?" Maloi asked, bothered by the event of last week that never was answered.

Jhoanna shook her head. She also had been wondering why she couldn't reach Stacey's phone. She was also absent, and whenever she asked Mikha, she would only shrug her shoulders. That girl hadn't been herself this week as well, looking as if she hadn't had any good sleep.

"Hindi pa. Hindi rin nagre-reply si Tita Ivy eh. Siguro nahawa sa'kin yun kasi siya nag-alaga sa'kin nung mataas lagnat ko."

"Why naman ako hindi nahawa?" Aiah uttered, genuinely curious. "We even..."

"Shh!" Jhoanna abruptly covered her lips in apprehension. She didn't know if Aiah was just so naturally innocent or she was purposely making her crazy. "Manahimik ka d'yan, bubusalan ko bibig mo."

"Ay, ang harsh."

"Check on Stacey, Jho. Feeling ko may problema siya eh," Maloi said. "Si Mikha pala, nagpaparamdam ba sayo, Aiah?"

Jhoanna looked at Aiah and waited for an answer. Right. There was something going on between them. She knew it was wrong to expect an answer from her, but she couldn't help but do so, especially when she couldn't take her off her mind already after that kiss.

"Consistent pa rin naman siya. She's asking me nga to eat dinner later eh."

"Yie. Seriously, Ate Aiah, ano ang score between the two of you?" Sheena probed, eyes looking at Aiah teasingly. The other girls were also curious.

"Oo nga. Bagay na bagay kayo. Tuwing magkasama kayo ang perfect n'yo together," Maloi added, eyes sparkling while imagining Mikha and Aiah together.

Jhoanna could only smile fakely, looking down on the book and pretended to be reading when in fact no word could get in her mind other than the image of Mikha and Aiah together, replacing the memory of them two that night. Bagay na bagay nga.

She felt Aiah's warm palm on her back, and though it was always comforting, she felt the urge to shake her hand off. What would her friends think if they would learn that Aiah, whom Mikha, their best friend, was interested in, and her kissed? They would certainly be disappointed.

That thought scared her. Jhoanna didn't want to disappoint her friends, especially Mikha who had always been there to support her in everything. It wasn't right to snatch the very person she was interested in just for her own sake.

She didn't want to be selfish.

"Huy, 'wag n'yo namang i-pressure si Ate Aiah. Tingnan n'yo hindi makasagot oh," Jhoanna replied on her behalf, pointing at the quiet Aiah. "Sure ako, they're getting there. I mean, gustuhin naman si Mikha, so darating din sila sa point na 'yan, 'di ba, Ate Aiah?"

Aiah looked at her with slightly furrowed brows and pursed lips. There wasn't confusion on her face, more like hurt and annoyance. "I don't know. That's not something for you to decide, Jhoanna."

They looked at each other. The coldness in her voice made Jhoanna stare at her. Aiah stared back as if trying to convey something. They were talking through their eyes, but there was nothing but misunderstanding.

"Oo nga naman, Jho. Ikaw naman pinapangunahan mo si Aiah," Colet said, smiling at her meaningfully, but the way she looked at Jhoanna was telling her like she had said something wrong.

Jhoanna didn't need to take Aiah's hand from her back as the latter did it herself willingly, obviously gone out of her good mood earlier. Her expression changed to neutral, smiling simply if their friends would talk to her.

She messed up, Jhoanna was aware. Yet, her toxic mind thought it was better. She had to push Aiah away from her, there shouldn't be something going on between the two of them in the first place, Mikha had shown interest in her first.

"I got to go, guys. I have a class in fifteen," Aiah said, standing and taking her things before walking away. She didn't even look at Jhoanna, just turned her back and marched away.

The action left a heaviness in Jhoanna's heart. Her eyes followed Aiah's back until she was out of sight. She knew she should follow and they should talk, but a part of her was telling that it would be for the best. She had to know her place.

If being with Aiah meant hurting Mikha, then it would be better not to pursue her feelings. Okay lang na ako na lang ang masaktan.

Aiah would be fine, even better, with Mikha.

Her phone on the table lit up, showing a notification coming from Colet.

Titingin-tingin ka ngayon. Ayusin mo 'yan.

Jhoanna was in the office, zoning out, out of her usual self, and unproductive. There was a pile of papers on her table, proposals for the upcoming festival at the school from different clubs that needed to be reviewed and approved.

She had been sitting there for an hour already, and she was probably done by now if she had started since she arrived, but no. Her mind was on other things—Aiah, to be exact.

She still hadn't talked to her. She didn't receive a message from her last night, usually, Aiah would message her a good night with lips emoji to tease her about the kiss they shared, but it was radio silence on her side.

Jhoanna had also composed a lot of messages as well, but her finger couldn't press send. She wanted to apologize, wanted to clear things up and that she only said those because she was jealous.

Yet, the thought that nothing was wrong with what she said kept on hovering above her thoughts. They might have kissed, but it probably didn't mean anything. It was just probably a spur of the moment brought by the skinship and intimacy of the situation. After all, Aiah was still entertaining Mikha's advances.

So, the whole day passed without talking to each other. Just this morning, they saw each other while on their way to their rooms, but no word was exchanged, it was Jhoanna who looked away first, while Aiah remained watching her with a sigh.

She didn't eat lunch with her friends this day, and Colet told her that Aiah also didn't join. She missed Aiah, that was something she couldn't deny. She missed the warmth of her hands, the comfort of her presence, her contagious laugh, her smell, and everything about her.

Hindi na simpleng crush lang 'to.

"Ano pa ba kasing hinihintay mo, Jhoanna? Pwede mo naman siyang kausapin, mabait naman 'yun," she scolded herself, slumping on the table in frustration.

Bahala na ng a!

She stood up, took her phone and went out. It was 4:20 PM, ten minutes before Aiah's last class. She knew her schedule, kind of memorized them naturally. She went to their building, planning to wait for her and apologize, probably tell her she liked her.

It was probably impulsive, but the fire of making up with Aiah was unstoppable. She could hear few students calling her probably to ask for some kind of help, some teachers as well who would probably give her new tasks, but she turned deaf ears.

For the first time, she chose herself. She chose what her heart and mind were telling her. She ran to Aiah's building like there was a ticking bomb she had to stop. She had to release her thoughts. It was now or never.

However...

When she reached Aiah's building, what caught her eyes instantly was that eye-catching red hair. She was seated on the bench just near the entrance of the building, phone in hand, seemingly waiting for someone. Of course, she was waiting for this specific person.

The fire earlier slowly subsided as her feet came to a halt. She only stared at Mikha, mind blank, unable to move anymore and didn't know what to think.

Unfortunately, Mikha looked up and saw her. Her friend smiled and waved her hand, standing up to go to her. Just like Stacey, it had been a while since she last saw her.

"Jho! What are you doing here? Pawis na pawis ka. Punasan mo nga 'yan." Mikha offered her handkerchief, wiping the sweat off her face herself.

"Ah..." She scratched her temple. "Wala... May sasabihin lang dapat ako kay Aiah."

"Oh. I can relay it to her for you. Or samahan mo 'ko maghintay, less than ten minutes na lang naman, tapos na class niya."

Alam ko.

Jhoanna shook her head. "Hindi na. Maabala ko pa date niyo. Alis na 'ko ha."

She turned her back, badly wanting to get out of there, wanted to clear her mind off because the way she was thinking of Mikha as a villain was not healthy anymore. She was her friend, she was just in love. It just turned out with the same girl as she liked.

"Wait, Jho. Can I ask you for help?"

"Oo naman. Anything. Ano ba 'yon?"

"Pumayag na kasi si Aiah na ligawan ko siya..."

Those words were enough to make her fragile heart crumble. She didn't even hear the rest of what Mikha said, there was an annoying ringing in her ears and she just wanted to cover it to stop.

She was overwhelmed with school works and all her academic responsibilities before, but this new overwhelming feeling of pain was something she had never felt before. This wouldn't just stop with simply organizing everything and pull an all-nighter and then gone the next day. It wouldn't be gone the next following day as well, not even after a whole week. It would go by for a long time.

"Jho? Okay ka lang?"

Jhoanna blinked and realized she was still in front of Mikha, and Aiah's classmates were already going out of their building. She had to go.

"A-ano nga ulit 'yon?"

Mikha pouted, only then she realized her face was red, blushing like a twelve-year-old having a crush. "I was asking if you could help me with courting Aiah? Just simple things. I just need some help para nagustuhan din ako ni Aiah. Please, Jho. I'll libre you every time I ask you for a favor."

Agreeing on Mikha's favor meant more pain coming her way. She liked seeing Aiah happy, but would she like to see her happy with someone else that wasn't her? If not, would she be able to make Aiah happy as much as Mikha probably could?

Malamang hindi. Si Mikha na 'yan, sino ba naman ako?

Her eyes went to the entrance of the building, like her eyes knew very well that she was coming. There she saw Aiah, looking left and right, looking for someone— looking for Mikha. There eyes met. She saw how Aiah's eyes lit up, however, she wasn't sure if it was because of her.

Jhoanna looked away.

"Si-sige, Mikhs. Sabihan mo na lang ako. Ayun na si Aiah, hinahapan ka na. Bye!"

Jhoanna turned her back and walked away. The flame fully subsided. There was probably no next time anymore.  It would probably be for the better.

As she walked away, Aiah's previously lit up face turned sad and disappointed, her big steps turned small to the point that Mikha had to meet her halfway. Her eyes never left Jhoanna's back.

"Aiah! Ako na sa bag mo."

Aiah didn't listen, instead she asked, "Is that Jhoanna? Why was she here?"

"She said she wanted to tell you something. She was panting nga eh, seemed like she ran here. Is there something important you guys should talk about ba?"

She shrugged her shoulder. How she hoped there was. Any small interaction with Jhoanna would suffice, she was that desperate. "I don't know. Anyway, I told you, 'wag mo na 'ko sunduin. We talked about this already, right?"

Mikha simply smiled. "I know, but I told you to just let me. You may not like me right now, but maybe soon, you will. I won't give up on you this early, Aiah."

"Mikha... I like someone else. Won't that be enough to give up?"

"No. Not unless I see with my own eyes that you're happy with whoever it is."

Aiah sighed, her eyes longingly looking at the path Jhoanna had just taken.

"Jho... Nahihiya ako. Please ikaw na."

There were some rash decisions that Jhoanna had done before in the past. Those decisions resulting in some unwanted consequences that she had to handle for quite a while.

However, among those, agreeing to Mikha while running away from Aiah might probably be climbing on the top list of her most regretted decision this year. How could it not be when Mikha was just asking her to give Aiah a flower in the very early morning just because she's shy!?

"Ikaw ang nanliligaw d'yan, Mikha Lim, bakit ka nahihiya!?" she irritatedly complained, pushing the flower away from her face as Mikha insisted on giving it to her. "Ayoko. Ikaw na. Kaya mo 'yan."

"Ihh, Jho. Please? You said you're going to help me. I found this corny, but I'm doing this for her."

"'Yun naman pala eh. Edi itodo mo na ka-corny-han mo. Ikaw na magbigay!"

Jhoanna didn't want to. She and Aiah were still in not-speaking term. Though Aiah had sent her a message which was a thumb down, (enough to make her heart beat loud, her hand freezing cold, and her whole system not functioning just by the notification) followed by a notice that she only accidentally pressed it, Jhoanna didn't reply.

She still wouldn't accept this favor. She was still smart enough not to inflict pain in herself through being their medium. Nagparaya na nga ako, gusto pa may extra mile.

"Jhoanna, sagot ko 'yung lunch mo buong linggo, with whatever drinks you like. Also, coffee every morning, your choice of flavor."

Mikha really knew how to get her. She was taking advantage of their years of friendship and her knowledge of her weakness. She knew that Jhoanna would never, ever decline free foods.

"Ayan, gan'yan. Sa yaman mo 'ko dinadaan, Mikha Lim." She glared at her, clicking her tongue and stealing the flowers from her hand. "Start na yan bukas."

Mikha's smile widened upon the agreement. "Thanks, Jho. I'll libre you every time. I owe you a lot talaga, Jho. Wait... Hala, there's Aiah! Go, give it to her!"

The information suddenly made her panic. She looked behind and really saw Aiah walking her way to her class with a book in hand, her usual white headphones on her head, and even with just a simple hoodie and pants, she still looked appealing and beautiful.

Her breath caught, her heart beating quickly, and she suddenly want to back out. However, when she spun around, Mikha was no longer there. She internally blamed herself for being too blinded by the offer without thinking of what it could do to her.

"Bahala na nga. Ibibigay lang naman," she said to herself, but her feet were heavy, she couldn't take a step. Was she really helping her friend to get the person she liked? Napaka manhid mo na talaga, Jhoanna Christine Robles.

She bit her lip and pushed herself to walk. She had no other choice anyway. It felt like she only took three steps, and before she knew it, she was already in front of Aiah.

The targeted girl was obviously surprised seeing her stopped in front of her, a stem of white rose in hand, and a flushed face.

"Jhoanna?" she called, taking her headphones off as she looked at her with confusion. "Is that for me? Or... did someone give it to you?"

Jhoanna stretched her hand and gave her the flower. "Para sayo 'yan. Sino namang magbibigay sa'kin ng ganyan? Galing kay Mikha 'yan, napag-utusan lang ng manliligaw mo. 'Yun lang, bye."

"But hindi ko siya-"

She ran away and didn't mind what Aiah was saying, she did her job and it was enough. She didn't need to interact with her, she needed time for herself, a time to assess the deepness of her feelings if she could still save herself from drowning.

Aiah watched her with a disappointed face.

**

"Ano? Na naman!? Akala ko ba one time lang? Bakit ako na naman? Pang ilan na 'to ha." Jhoanna couldn't help but raise her voice as she pushed Mikha's hand and the flower away from her.

"Please, Jho. Nag-ga-gather pa 'ko ng courage. Kinakabahan kasi ako kapag malapit siya, hanggang messages pa lang kaya ko." Mikha pouted.

"Ikaw na, Mikhs. Akala ni Aiah sa'kin galing, kailangan ko pang i-explain na sa'yo. Mas ma-aappreciate niya 'yan kung ikaw mismo magbibigay."

"Okay, I'll try tomorrow. But for now, give it to her. I promise this will be the last."

Jhoanna skeptically looked at her before taking the flower with a begrudging look. "Siguraduhin mo lang ha."

"Yeah. Thank you, Jho!"

Jhoanna sighed, watching as Mikha left her alone and while she waited for Aiah to arrive. This had been the fourth time, and the scenario between the two of them was just the same. She would give the flower, then run away right after. There wasn't any conversation exchanged between the two of them, Jhoanna made sure there was none.

She stared at the flower. It was beautiful. Mikha was very sweet. Aiah deserved such beautiful flower and that effort to give her that to make her feel special. Jhoanna didn't know if she could do the same for Aiah if she would try to insist her feelings. She knew she'd end up losing anyway so she didn't try anymore.

"Jhoanna."

"Ay ganda!"

In her deep thoughts, she wasn't aware that Aiah had already arrived and had been looking at her since she entered.

"I hope it's me you're thinking when you said that," Aiah said casually. She then pointed at the flower. "Is that my flower? Does it come from you this time?"

"Hindi, kay Mikha pa rin yan. Ba't naman kita bibigayan eh hindi naman ako ang manliligaw mo. Oh, kunin mo na at nang makaalis na 'ko."

"I know, right? Just how I wish." Aiah grabbed her hand that was holding the flower. It was enough to send shivers down Jhoanna's spine. She had more effect on her than usual.

Ito ba ang nagagawa ng pangungulila? Mas tumitindi?

"Mag-usap muna tayo, Jho. Don't run away."

"Magta-time na, Aiah. Wala tayong oras para d'yan. Bitiw."

"No, Jhoanna.  Kaya mo talagang hindi ako pansinin or kausapin? Won't you even apologize? Don't you even miss me just how much I'm missing you?"

"Anong apologize eh tama naman ako? Nanliligaw na nga sa'yo si Mikha, 'di ba? At comfortable ka ba talaga sa'ting dalawa eh alam mo namang nag... nag... basta!"

"That's the point, Jho! We've kissed, we've kissed not once, we've kissed endlessly that time, we parted with the same feelings, and we've both liked it. But I can't believe how dense you are to still keep on pushing me away to someone else. Doesn't that kiss mean something to you? Because I thought it does as much as it does to me."

Jhoanna could see how frustrated Aiah looked right now. Her face was flushed and she looked like she would cry anytime soon. She was the type of person who would cry in an overwhelming situation.

The mention of the kiss ignited the flame she had been trying to put off. She suddenly wanted to confess again, to tell her how much it affected her, and how she was suffering right now because of it. But she knew she couldn't.

Past Aiah's head was Mikha, a bit far from them but obviously watching their interaction. Since she couldn't do it, she was just watching from afar, wanting to see Aiah's reaction. However, Jhoanna was just thankful that Aiah had her back turned at her.

"Do I have to spell it out for you, Jhoanna? I like-"

"Stop."

"No, Jho. I'm done with this game. I'm missing you so much and I've never craved for someone's presence until you came. Let's talk about this, let's sort this out."

"Aiah, stop. Hindi pwede. Huwag."

"What do you mean 'huwag'!? What's stopping you? Is it Mikha? Hindi ko siya gusto, Jhoanna."

Jhoanna shook her head. Those words. Those words were the words she never wanted to hear. It hurt her, and just by thinking that Mikha would hear it... She knew she would feel devastated knowing how much she liked Aiah. She didn't like her friend to feel that way.

"Aiah, please... 'Wag ako. Si Mikha na lang. Magugustuhan mo rin s'ya. Sorry pero mas better kung si Mikha ang pipiliin mo."

"You're so selfless, Jhoanna," Aiah said sharply. "I hate it."

Never in her life Jhoanna thought she would hear someone hating how selfless she was. She was know for being like that, and everyone loved that trait because they always got something from it. But hearing how Aiah hated it, she was confused.

Mali bang magparaya sa taong alam kong mas itatrato siya nang tama?

"If you can't choose me, Jhoanna... Then at least, choose yourself." Aiah didn't need to sound like she was begging. She didn't need to show that much care about her. It was Jhoanna's decision, and it was hurting her. She didn't need to be so kind.

Paano ko kasi magagawa 'yon kung alam kong may masasaktan kung pipiliin ko ang sarili ko?

"Hindi pwede. Hindi ko kayang saktan si Mikha." She shook her head adamantly.

"But then you can hurt me?" She asked with a bit of sarcasm.

"Hindi kita sinasaktan, para sayo rin-"

"Stop pushing me away, Jho. Kung ayaw mo sa'kin, then okay, but don't push me to someone I'm not interested with."

It rendered her silent. Mali ka, gusto kita. Gustong-gusto. Pero...

Jhoanna shook her head, turned her back and ran away. She escaped, just like what she would usually do. Her chest tightened, and as soon as she reached the council room, she locked it and cried. She wasn't expecting that love could be this complicated and painful.

"So, it's Jho..."

Aiah was surprised when Mikha spoke behind her. She looked at her, and she was also looking at where Jhoanna ran away, a mellow expression on her face. "Mikha..."

"I don't care. It doesn't matter."

That was the last time Jhoanna met with Aiah. At least, purposely.

She purposely avoided Aiah, never showed up during their lunch, never stayed in the Student Council room where Aiah must be in with her friends, never messaged her ever again, and hid behind walls whenever she would see a glimpse of her.

She kept on telling herself that it was the right thing to do, that it was for the better, and it was! At least for her.

In the first week of ignoring Aiah, she could see a progress between her and Mikha. She once saw them going home together, Mikha carrying Aiah's things, talking to her endlessly while Aiah listened fondly.

She remembered scoffing at that time. It was sweet.

She was on the way home as well after an exhausting day. Their eyes met. Aiah stopped walking, so as Mikha, but Jhoanna looked away and walked faster.

In the second week, she received a message from Mikha, asking if she knew Aiah's likes and dislikes because Aiah just agreed on having a date with her.

She had a list of Aiah's likes and dislikes, noting those things every night whenever she learned new things about her. Jhoanna remembered contemplating whether to give it or not. Her supportive side would have, but her possessive heart wouldn't.

In the end, she gave a portion of her information, but not all. She kept some information about Aiah that needed close observation to notice. Even secretly, she would gatekeep her.

Everything seemed going well between the two of them. Hence, she decided to continue on ignoring her, ignoring everyone in the process. She focused on tending to all there was to tend, even if it wasn't her work, she did it just she could not think of anything regarding Aiah.

But even though she kept on gaslighting herself that it was for the better, she still couldn't deny the heaviness in her heart whenever she would check her and Aiah's conversation box and the fact that she had to scroll down to find it.

The sadness that she had to give up her own feelings for the happiness of someone else. That a supposedly good trait turned to something toxic that was consuming her to the last bit. The tears she shed wondering when would it be her turn, when would someone do the same for her, why couldn't it be Aiah?

Currently, she was in the clinic. She was friend with one of the student nurse there so she let her use the vacant table anytime. No one suspected that she was there, so her life for three weeks had been peaceful. If she could even describe her days like that because she was always bugged by her traitor mind whose favorite seemed to be someone with a name that starts with letter A.

"Hanggang kailan ka magtagago d'yan sa lungga mo?"

"Ay pu--"

"Oh sige, tuloy mo. Papakainin kita ng crumpled tissue," Stacey said, raising the roll of tissue while a rolled sheet was in her nose. She was sick.

"Pusang gala kasi," Jhoanna replied, clicking her tongue as she looked at Stacey with a frown. "Bakit ba lagi mo 'kong nahahanap? May dinikit ka ba sa'king tracker?"

"Assuming mo. May sakit ako, malamang mapupunta 'ko dito sa clinic. Hindi ko nga alam na nandito ka, narinig ko lang yung aggressive mong typing. Ikaw lang naman gumagawa n'on."

Jhoanna sighed and set aside her work, completely giving her attention to Stacey. After all, it had almost been a whole month since the last time she had a proper talk to this girl. Since with her almost a whole week absent, something strange shifted on her.

"Gusto mo bang umuwi? Pwede kitang i-excuse kung hindi mo kaya."

"As if papayagan. Grabeng reklamo ng mga teacher na 'yan sa dami kong absent last time." She rolled her eyes. "Bawal bang mag-drama sandali? Brokenhearted na nga yung tao, gusto pa mag-focus sa studies. Dapat Jho, gumawa ka ng thesis tungkol sa effect ng broken heart sa pag-aaral ng mga students, o kaya yung lack ng empathy ng mga teachers ngayon. Pahirap talaga 'yang pag-aaral eh."

Stacey spat a lot of words and ranted, but the only thing that Jhoanna remembered was the fact that she was heartbroken. "Brokenhearted ka? Bakit hindi ko alam?"

"Sa rami kong sinabi, 'yun lang talaga narinig mo?"

Jhoanna stared at her friend, long enough for her to realize that she wasn't going to change the topic, saw how her face slowly changed from furrowed brows to an emotionless one. She looked away, bit the inside of her lower lip, and went silent, an  indication that she was indeed going through something.

This was the only time that Jhoanna realized what had changed when she came back. She no longer smiled that reached her eyes, she no longer joked around, she was quiet all the time, she would often isolate herself, and she would never meet any of their eyes. It was like the spark in the star was slowly dying.

"Wala 'yon, silly something lang. 'Di naman seryoso," Stacey tried to brush off, waving her hand with a chuckle. "Anyway-"

"Hindi ka aabsent ng one week kung hindi seryoso, Staks. Hindi mo iiyakan kung wala lang 'yon. Hindi ka gan'yan kababaw. Sabihin mo sa'kin, anong nangyari?"

Stacey looked down. When she was talking to Jhoanna, she knew she couldn't hide anything. She knew how to read her so well, after all, they've been best friends for ten years.

She contemplated whether to tell her or not. What happened had been a greatest secret since then, a taboo topic that she didn't want to discuss. She still cried every night whenever she would think of what happened, whenever she would realize there was no Mikha to fetch her in the morning, the Mikha who would bring her food when she was hungry, the Mikha who was always there for her. Gone. Out of reach.

"I'm in love with Mikha."

There was a deafening silence. Even a small pin drop could be heard with how silent they've become after she dropped the bomb. Jhoanna stared at Stacey's pained eyes, a new expression she never thought she'd see on her.

She was often bubbly, the friend who would always joke around, the type who would hide her real feelings because she didn't want to affect others, but this time, she was bare. Her real feelings evident on her whole face.

The confession wasn't really a surprise to Jhoanna. With how clingy the two were, it would be impossible to assume they were just simply best friends. Also, Stacey's best friend was her, not Mikha.

"Hulaan ko, hindi ka niya gusto 'no? Si Aiah ang gusto niya?"

It wasn't a guess. It was an obvious fact that they both knew. After all, unaware of it all, they were both affected

.

Stacey nodded sadly. "Okay sana kung sinabi niya lang na hindi niya 'ko gusto, tapos na sana lahat, pero ang bruha kinissan pa 'ko! Bwisit talaga 'yun eh."

Jhoanna's eyes widened. "Kinissan ka!?"

What are the odds? Mag-best friend talaga kami.

"Sige, ipangkalat mo! Sigaw mo pa. Gusto mo samahan pa kita sa announcement booth? May microphone d'on. Akala mo ba mahina lang 'yang boses mo?" Stacey glared at her and rolled her eyes.

Jhoanna covered her mouth, apologizing dearly. "Siraulo talaga 'yang si Mikha. Nililigawan si Aiah tapos manghahalik ng iba!? Hindi niya siya deserve!"

The way she articulated those must have been a bit overreacting, accidentally pouring out her thoughts little too strongly. So, when she looked at Stacey, she had her brow raised, arms crossed, and eyes studying her.

"May napapansin ako sa'yo, Jho."

"Luh. Kung ano-ano napapansin nito. Kung ano man 'yan, hindi totoo."

"Hindi ka magtatago kung hindi totoo, Jhoanna. Papansin ka kaya, lagi kang nasa labas, gustong-gusto mo nga ng atensyon tapos ngayon magtatago ka rito? Kilala kita, Jho."

Jhoanna frowned. "Wala nga. Ano bang napansin mo?"

"May something sayo. Umiiwas ka sa mga tao, umiiwas ka sa mga kaibigan na'tin, hindi mo sinasagot messages namin, hindi mo pinapansin si Ate Aiah."

Grabe, Ang straightforward naman nito.

"Hoy, hindi ah. Busy lang talaga ako."

"Jhoanna, please lang. Kapag ang maingay na tao naging tahimik, ibig sabihin may mali. Lagi ko mang sinasabi na tumahimik ka kapag nakakarindi yang boses mo, pero hindi yung ganitong tahimik. Wala na rin 'yung glow mo sa mga mata mo. Hindi ka na ngumingiti katulad ng dati. Napaka tahimik mo, pati si Sheena nahahawa sa lungkot mo, naiyak pa nga nung sinasabi sa'kin na isang buwan ka ng wala sa mood. Wala na rin sa ayos ang school at council, pari circle of friends natin. Nandito ka pero parang wala ka rin, Jho."

Jhoanna might never have an absent, but since she isolated herself and only accepted papers for some unknown reasons, she stopped entertaining people's requests for help. Even though they were looking for her, they could only reach out for her through emails, but personally, she was gone.

It had been a month since the school was in chaos, bullying cases started rising, students became diorderly, trash everywhere, frustrated teachers, everyone was in distress. It was like they've been put into darkness after the bright light dimmed—Jhoanna.

No one had realized how huge Jhoanna's little helps to them until she was gone. They depended too much on her that they were adjusting when she was gone.

Her friends were also a bit in chaos. Their usual playful and loud table filled with laughters just ended up with the awkward and sad noise of utensils lazily scratching each other. They were no longer complete—Stacey, Mikha, Aiah, and Jhoanna, who was usually the master of corny jokes, the life of the party, and target of pranks, were missing.

It had never been the same without Jhoanna.

Jhoanna never realized all that. For her, everything would go well even without her presence. Even if she vanished, the world would continue spinning. Who was she even? She was just a simple loud nerd who had nothing special in her.

She sighed, a punch of sadness hitting her suddenly. "Parahes lang tayo ng nararamdaman, Staks. Nasa ganyang posisyon din ako."

"Eme ka, Jho."

Jhoanna looked at her with disbelief. "Aba! Nagda-drama na yung tao, gaganyanin mo pa! Ayoko na, bahala ka sa buhay mo."

She continued her work with a frown, but Stacey snatched it away. "Joke lang! Napaka arte!? Bilis na. Anong nangyari? Bakit ngayon mo lang sinasabi sa'kin 'to?"

"Wala nga akong balak eh," Jhoanna murmured, which received a glare from Stacey. She sighed, drumming her fingers on the table as she thought if she would really tell her. "Halos same na same tayo. Hindi kami pwede ng gusto ko... Though, hindi niya gusto yung manliligaw niya ngayon, pero hindi pwede."

"Huh? Bakit hindi? Edi hindi tayo parehas, Jho. Umamin ako kay Mikha, klaro ang lahat na hindi niya ako gusto. Ikaw? Umamin ka na ba? Sinubukan mo man lang ba?"

Jhoanna looked away. The thought of that moment when she almost confessed but was stock-still continuously hurt her. It was when she realized it was better to let go, it was best not to be the villain in their cute story just by insisting her feelings.

Mikha deserved Aiah. Mikha would take care of her. Aiah would also like Mikha. There was no point of injecting herself in between a love that could bloom beautifully. She was alright being on the side, smiling through the pain, as long as she could see that her friends were happy.

"Mas okay nang hindi. Mas okay nang mag-paubaya kaysa naman magkagulo pa. Kaya ko naman hindi mag-jowa, sus! Saka baka kabag lang 'tong nararamdaman ko, I mean, ikaw ba hindi nagagandahan kay Ai-"

Jhoanna covered her mouth as her eyes widened upon realizing what she was saying. It was too late to take it back upon seeing Stacey's reaction. Her eyes widened upon the recognition of the source of her best friend's confusion. Definitely, she never expected it.

"Aiah..."

"Hindi!" Jhoanna covered her ears as she said that in a high pitched, defensive tone. "Ai-Ai delas Alas 'yun, huy! Walang ibang Ai, s'ya lang."

Stacey would never be convinced to that lame excuse. "So, gusto mo si Ate Aiah at ako naman kay Mikha..."

Jhoanna frowned at the assumption, and the fact that Stacey never listened to her. Hindi ka talaga nag-iisip, Jho!

Soon enough, Stacey laughed out loud, finding their situation funny and hopeless. "Grabe, mag-best friend nga tayo."

Jhoanna huffed and crossed her arms. "'Wag mong pagsasabi 'yan kahit kanino. Ayokong makasira ng relasyon, sinasabi ko sa'yo."

"Alam mo, Jho, ngayon ko lang na-realize. Totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na kapag matalino ka academically, tanga ka sa pag-ibig. Ito na oh, kitang-kita ko na sa harap ko."

"So, sinasabi mo bang tanga ako, ha?" She raised her brow and crossed her arms.

"Oo! Manhid! Bulag! Pinapairal mo na naman 'yang pagiging people pleaser mo, jusko!"

Jhoanna sighed. "Mali bang mag-paubaya sa kaibigan? Ayokong makasakit, mas mabuti nang ako na lang."

"People pleaser talaga," Stacey commented as she rolled her eyes. "May masasaktan ka talaga sa ganyan, Jho. Sa ganda ba naman ng nagustuhan mo, syempre marami kang karibal d'yan."

Jhoanna rolled her eyes. "Thank you ha. Alam ko naman. Kaya nga sumuko na 'ko agad."

"At 'yan ang pinaka mali mong ginawa. Pala-desisyon ka rin eh. Hindi ikaw ang pipili kung sinong gusto ni Ate Aiah. Hindi ikaw ang nakakaalam kung sinong gusto niyang makasama, Jho. Hayaan mo siya mag-desisyon, at kung may masasaktan man, hindi mo na kontrolado 'yon. Sa tingin mo ba sa pagpu-push mo kay Ate Aiah, ikaw lang ang nasasaktan? Tatlo kayo, Jho. Or apat, sama mo na 'ko."

"Ba't kasama ka?"

"Syempre, masasaktan din ako pag nagkatuluyan yung dalawa." She rolled her eyes, but Jhoanna knew that she was already imagining them together with how her face contorted with disapproval.

"Nagkaka-developan na 'yung dalawa, Staks. Masyado ng late para may gawin pa 'ko. Sigurado akong nagugustuhan na rin ni Aiah si Mikha."

It was hard saying those. Though her mind wanted that exactly to happen, but her heart screamed otherwise. It was hard smiling through the pain, it was hard pretending, thankfully, she didn't need to do all of those because she was in front of Stacey.

"Gan'on talaga. Wala tayong magagawa d'on. Mikha Lim na 'yun eh. Kahit ako nakuha nung bruha na 'yon. Kainis, pa-fall."

Jhoanna couldn't help but chuckle. Stacey was the type to joke about her pain, appearing to take it lightly in front of other people, but when she was alone, she would cry a lot about it.

She remembered when she joked about someone calling her fat as a nonsense comeback from losing to an argument, she appeared like she wasn't affected, but when they were left alone, she cried about it and promised herself to start dieting.

Pa'no pa kaya itong sobrang siyang nasaktan?

"Tigil na nga natin 'tong sadgirl era natin. May sakit ka 'di ba? Humiga ka r'on. Sabay na lang tayong umuwi mamaya, tapos bukas susunduin din kita. Tutal naman ako gumagawa sa'yo n'on bago pa si Mikhs at bago pa 'ko maging busy sa council."

Stacey stood up, a mischievous smile on her face now. "Ayan, tama 'yan. Tayo na lang dalawa, baka tayo talaga."

"Baliw!"

"Hello, Aiah? Ang lakas ng ulan, do you want me to fetch you?"

It was raining, and Jhoanna was having a bad day. She never really liked the rain, she always got sick even with a simple drizzle on her head. And unfortunately, she forgot her umbrella.

"I have an umbrella naman, Mikhs."

She stood and watched the rain, contemplating whether just running in the rain to the parking and risk getting sick, or wait until it stopped, if it would stop. Hirap naman maging sakitin, jusko!

"Will that be enough? Pwede kitang sunduin right now."

No students were also around, it was already past five, and they were all home, probably relaxing while sipping hot coffee on their bed. Jhoanna huffed.

"Hello, Aiah? Are you still there?"

She tapped her foot on the floor, thinking hard and weighing the consequences. She bet she would still end up cocooned in her blanket whatever choice she made.

"...No na, Mikha. I'll be fine, thank you though."

Unaware of her surroundings and focused on her situation, someone was observing her.

"Okay... Take care, then. Message me once you're home." *Toot*

"May kotse nga, 'di naman makauwi," she berated herself,  putting her bag on her head to at least cover it, and once again contemplated.

"Magpapa-ulan talaga 'ko? Sure na?As if naman may dadating na knight in shining armor para payungan ako."

With that thought, she took a step forward and ready to brace herself with the cold rain. However, a firm hand pulled her back, causing her to almost fall back but a soft body caught and steadied her, and her unfortunate bag on the floor.

She looked up at the culprit, but it looked nothing close to a culprit, but an angel. An angel was holding her, looking at her with concern.

"Are you trying to get sick again?"

"Ai... Aiah." Jhoanna stood properly, which made their faces became too close. Afraid that Aiah would feel her heartbeat, she stepped back. Juskong puso 'to naman. Nakaka-conscious!

"Where are you heading? I have a payong, I'll send you there."

"Hindi na. Hintayin ko na lang tumila," she declined.

Aiah's brows furrowed, looking at her as if she was irritated. "As far as I know, may bagyo and uulan for three days. Dito ka lang until then? Sure?"

Jhoanna opened her mouth to say 'yes', but upon realizing it, she closed it again. "D'yan lang sa parking. Nand'on kotse ko."

Aiah opened her umbrella, it was small, but still enough to fit the two of them, only if they would squeeze each other under. But knowing Jhoanna, she only hugged her bag, their skin didn't even touch.

"Anong sense ng payong kung mababasa ka rin?" Aiah asked, her brow raised. "Come close. We're not going out in the rain if you're like this."

"Ang dami namang..."

Aiah put her hand around Jhoanna's shoulder and pulled her closer that her head was almost in the crook of her neck. "Wrap your arm on my waist. Quickly."

Jhoanna followed, then they started walking to the parking lot. Even if she walked with closed eyes, she bet she would still reach the place without any harm. It was safe inside Aiah's arms, it was warm, and she smelled good.

It had been a long time since the last time she hugged her. Jhoanna had missed her so much, and with how Aiah's hand caressed her back softly, she knew she felt the same, too. Kahit ngayon lang... Sorry, Mikha.

"May susundo ba sa'yo?" she asked her, pulling her waist closer to her, as if she would be gone.

"Yes. Driver ko."

"Hatid na lang kita." She couldn't raise her head, she was shy, and her face was probably red. She was not used to making a move at all. "Okay lang?"

"If it's okay with you, Jhoanna."

Until they reached her car, Aiah made sure there was no drop of rain that would land on her head. Even though half of her body was drenched.

"Ano ba 'yan? Basang-basa ka naman!" Jhoanna complained as soon as Aiah got in and saw half of her gray sweatshirt, and even her back, wet.

"I'm fine. I'm not sakitin."

Jhoanna reached her for her extra jacket on the backseat and gave it to her. "Hubarin mo 'yan, ito muna suot mo. Kaysa naman lamigin ka."

Aiah followed quietly, and Jhoanna looked away while she changed. When she was settled, she started driving, and it was silent once again. Aiah was just looking outside, half of her face buried inside the jacket, while Jhoanna was focused on driving.

"Kumusta studies mo?" she asked, just for the sake of breaking the silence.

"Barely surviving. Ikaw? I never once saw you sa campus, I believe you're so busy." There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but Jhoanna chose to ignore it.

"Oo, medyo."

Aiah finally looked at her. "I missed you, Jhoanna."

Jhoanna's grip on the steering wheel tightened, her head kept on repeating the word, but her mouth couldn't open. She missed her too. What surprised her was when Aiah stretched her hand, as if asking for something. Her heart beat rapidly upon getting what she wanted.

Ngayon lang, Mikha.

She took Aiah's hand, though hesitantly, and as soon as she did, the older didn't waste time and intertwined their hands tightly. A smile made way on her lips, and her mood lightened.

They held hands the whole way home, Aiah would even place a kiss, take a picture, and caress her hand. Jhoanna wished the ride was long, however, soon enough, they reached Aiah's condo.

"Bumaba ka na. Pawis na kamay ko, baka gusto mong bitiwan," she joked, trying to pull her hand but Aiah's strong grip wouldn't let go.

"Pwede bang putulin mo tapos akin na lang? I love holding your hands kasi, it makes me feel like I'll never have to face the world alone."

Aiah held her hand tighter, squeezing as if she didn't want to let go.

"Aiah..."

"Before I met you, there's... chaos inside me, like I'm in the dark place, and... I discovered that... the only time I can feel safe and at peace is whenever I'm with you. I feel happy around my friends, too, but it feels different when I'm with you, Jhoanna."

She didn't know what to say with that, and it also felt like Aiah was not waiting for a reply. She just squeezed her hand, caressed it, before letting it go. She opened the door and her umbrella.

"I'll see you around, Jho. My hope for you still stands... I hope you choose yourself because..."

Jhoanna didn't hear her next words, there was a thunder, and the rain was loud. "See you, Aiah."

Aiah watched Jhoanna drove away, a small smile on her face.

"...choosing yourself means choosing me."

From: Ate Colet
Birthday ni Sheena ngayon. Sa condo ko tayo, overnight. 'Wag kayong mawawala ni Stacey, sinasabi ko sa inyong dalawa.

Jhoanna sighed upon reading that. They were right, people couldn't really hide forever. It would come to a point that they need to face the problem head on—and for Jhoanna, it was this time.

She was on her way to fetch Stacey, deciding to come together. Since they shared the same fate, no one understood them better but themselves. They were already close before, but they felt like they had gone closer this time after knowing each other's unfortunate love life.

"Grabe ang tagal ha. Kanina pa 'ko sa labas. Kung si Mikhs yan--" Stacey closed her mouth immediately upon realizing what she was going to say. She promised herself not to think about Mikha again, but another day, another fail.

However, Jhoanna was a bit irritated. "Oo na. Kung si Mikhs 'yan, kanina pa siya nandito, siya yung naghihintay, pagbubuksan ka niya ng pinto, ikikiss ka niya sa cheeks kung iritado ka, at may pagkain siyang dala just in case gutom ka. Pero kanino niya ginagawa ngayon 'yan? Kay Aiah. Alam kong mas better si Mikha sa'kin, hindi mo na kailangang ipamukha."

Lately, she had been thinking endlessly. Her selflessness played most of the part on why she kept on pushing Aiah, but a small part of it was because the person she was against wasn't anyone else. It was Mikha, someone who was way better than her. Jhoanna never thought she'd have an insecurity toward Mikha than now.

"Hindi gan'on, Jho... Sorry."

Jhoanna didn't answer and just drove. Stacey also didn't say anything, still grasping what she could say. They both had different thoughts, and she didn't mean to compare Mikha and Jhoanna knowing that the latter had an inner jealousy toward Mikha even without saying it.

Until they reached Colet's condo, they were silent, and the other girls took notice of that.

"Ate Jho!" Sheena screamed as soon as Jhoanna entered the house, jumping onto her and clinging like she had been gone for so long.

Yet, thinking about it, she was indeed gone for almost a month, and it was Sheena who missed her the most.

"Miss na miss? Parang hindi schoolmates ah," she said but hugging Sheena as tightly. Deep inside her, she missed her friends as well.

"Magkaaway na naman 'tong dalawang 'to," Maloi noticed, upon seeing how Stacey and Jhoanna entered the place but went on different side.

"Hayaan mo na 'yan sila, tingnan mo mamaya nagki-kiss na 'yan," Sheena added.

"Never," Jhoanna said while rolling her eyes.

"Wow, maka-never akala mo gusto ko? Ang baho kaya ng bibig mo. Ew!" Stacey never backed down.

"Ano ba 'to, kayong dalawa na nga lang nagda-damayan, nag-aaway pa kayo," Colet commented, giving away plates for the two to start eating.

"Si Aiah at Mikha na lang kulang. Pero malapit na raw."

Upon the mention of the names, Stacey and Jhoanna looked at each other, and they knew right there and then that they needed each other. Stacey walked to her and sat on the couch Jhoanna was sitting on, side-hugging her.

"Sorry na. Hindi naman gan'on yung ibig kong sabihin. Nagre-relapse lang din ako. Hindi ko naman akalaing magseselos ka agad," she said with a baby tone, watching Jhoanna's reaction.

Jhoanna rolled her eyes. "Hindi ako nagseselos."

"Sus, deny pa. Sige na, kiss na para matapos na 'to." Stacey turned her face to offer her cheek, beckoning her to kiss her as a way of making up.

Just exactly as Jhoanna held her face and leaned, the door opened, revealing Mikha and Aiah, and the first thing they saw was Jhoanna kissing Stacey's cheek as they also sweetly hugged.

The sight brought sour faces to the two.

"Hoy, kayong dalawang mag-jowa, nandito na si Mikha at Aiah baka gusto niyong pansinin," Gwen called out.

Jhoanna and Stacey looked up, really finding the two standing by the door. Jhoanna met Aiah's eyes, for the first time again after a while. She thought she would be alright after a whole month of no Aiah, but one look, and her heart remembered. Her system reacted the same way as before, nothing changed, if anything, it just got worse.

She looked away, finding the plate she was holding a better sight to look at than how perfect Mikha and Aiah standing side by side.

On the other hand, Stacey rolled her eyes at Mikha and didn't even give a bit of care. "Edi pwede na tayong kumain since complete na? Gutom na 'tong bebe ko."

"Beh? Ba't ako?" Jhoanna reacted, tried taking off Stacey's arm off her but the latter just grabbed her more.

Jhoanna felt awkward, at the very least. She could feel Aiah's gaze on her every time, but she couldn't look back. Knowing how her body was reacting with just her mere presence, she couldn't bear meeting her eyes that always just drawned her.

They were having fun, laughing at anyone's antics, especially Maloi, Sheena, and Stacey, who seemed unaffected by Mikha's presence. Jhoanna wished she could be like her, but Stacey was just so good at pretending.

"Staks, kuha mo nga ako coke," Jhoanna said, pouting and pleading.

"Wala ka bang kamay?" Stacey frowned. "Ikaw na!"

"Marumi nga kamay ko oh!" Jhoanna showed her two dirty hands since she had been eating without utensils. "Bilis na, mabubulunan na 'ko oh. Kaya mo bang mawala ako?"

Jhoanna could get it herself, but the coke was right in front of Aiah, and she either had to go to where she was seated to get it or ask her to pass the coke. She didn't want to do either.

"Ang dami mong sinasabi! Edi maghugas ka!"

"'Pag ako namat-"

"Ako na lang." Aiah stood up, took a cup and poured a drink, then handed it to Jhoanna. "Here. Drink dahil hindi ko kayang mawala ka."

Everyone became silent. The amount of shock her line brought to everyone was unexplainable. Their reactions were epic as they all looked at Aiah with wide eyes.

"What?" she asked, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "Get this na."

Though still surprised, Jhoanna reached out for the cup, hand brushing on Aiah's hand, and the slight contact was still enough to make her inside go crazy.

"T-thanks..."

Maloi wanted to react, but Colet managed to glare at hrr before they could say something. However, Sheena managed to remark a quick, "Sana all hindi kayang mawala."

Stacey, on the other hand, mouthed at Jhoanna a teasing 'thank me later' . While Mikha and Aiah just continue eating in silence.

Thankfully, they continued having fun after that interaction. Since that, however, Jhoanna became hyper aware of Aiah's presence more. If she couldn't look at her earlier, now she could, stealing glances every time she got, meeting Aiah's lingering eyes more frequently than the past hour.

Yet, it was a wrong decision. She couldnt help but stare at Aiah, appreciate her beauty in simple 'tita' clothes and her glasses, her hair was in a bun, and with only simple makeup. She was stunning, like ever. It was giving her an urge to steal her from Mikha.

She felt a nudge on her side, and it was Colet. "Nakatitig ka. Ayan, iwas ka pa ha, nangungulila ka tuloy ngayon."

Jhoanna glared at her, grabbing and squeezing her full cheeks in irritation. "Wala talagang preno 'yang bibig mo. Nakakainis."

"Pst. Tigilan n'yo yan, ang daming nagseselos," Sheena whispered on her other side.

When Jhoanna looked around, Stacey and Aiah were looking at her with a frown on their faces, Mikha was looking at Stacey, which she had been since the time they arrived as if she wanted to talk to her. Then, Maloi was pouting.

"Ano ba naman 'tong circle of friends na 'to, puro taguan," Gwen grumbled, shaking her head in disappointment.

"Manood na tayo ng movie, bilis!"

As per the birthday girl's request, they all went to the living room and found their space. Jhoanna sat beside Stacey because she saved a space for her, but everyone else was just seated wherever they wanted.

They watched a thriller movie, and as expected, the house was filled with screams and excuses of going to the bathroom when it was already scary to the point that the seating arrangement mixed up.

At one point, there was a scary part, and Jhoanna, thinking it was still Stacey beside her, screamed and hugged he tightly, squeezing her face in the crook of her neck. Her hand rubbed her back and calmed her down softly, covering them with a blanket.

However, Jhoanna sniffed. Parang... hindi 'to pabango ni Stacku!

It was late when she realized that she was hugging Aiah, instead of Stacey, and Stacey was already on the floor, hugging Mikha instead, probably thinking it was also Jhoanna.

"Ay sorry-"

"Don't move, Jho. Please..."

Jhoanna looked at Aiah's eyes, their faces close and talking was barely through whispers. Her eyes dangerously went to her lips, and was reminded of what they feel like.

Aiah moved her head back to her shoulder quietly, and Jhoanna didn't protest anymore. Aiah's hands wrapped around her, while Jhoanna could no longer focus on the movie but only on the person she was with.

She surrendered and relaxed, wrapping her arms around Aiah's waist and leaned closer to her. Her heart shook when she felt a kiss on the side of her head, and a soft whisper, "You make my heart skip a beat."

Jhoanna felt like someone was looking at them, and when she glanced at the side... It was Mikha. Her eyes widened, about to pull away from Aiah, but Mikha's reaction froze her. Teka, ngumiti ba siya? Huh?

"You know what being with me does to a person?" Aiah suddenly spoke quietly. "They get to know who they really want."

"Jho, are you doing something? Can you help me get the beds to Sheena's condo?"

They were done watching, and it was time to arranged the beds to fit in eight people, and apparently, Colet's extra beds weren't enough. But out of all the girls free, why was Mikha asking her to help her?

"Sige... Hoy, Staks! Ako d'yan ha. Bantayan mo 'yan baka agawin ni Shee," she reminded them before standing and going with Mikha.

Aiah was still sitting on the couch, using her phone and probably updating her mom. But when they walked in front of her, she met her eyes briefly, then she looked at Mikha. They nodded at each other, seemingly talking through their eyes and only the two of them could understand.

Edi sila na may telepathic power. Sus!

Sheena's condo was just beside Colet's, and she silently followed Mikha. They were still friends, after all. And Mikha didn't have to know about her feelings for Aiah.

"How are you, Jho? Almost one month kitang hindi nakita. I almost missed you."

"Wow? Almost lang?" She rolled her eyes and Mikha laughed. "Busy ako. Halos lahat ng gawain sa council ako na gumawa."

"Kaya nga. Hiningi mo lahat ng reports, nakatulala na lang kaming lahat sa office."

"Ayaw n'yo pa n'on, free time niyong lahat." She did it so something could keep her busy from thinking of them.

"Ayaw namin n'on. Ayoko ng gan'on. Even if you're annoying, I still want to see you every day. I want to see you happy always, Jho. I'm sorry if after all that you've done for me, I became so selfish. You don't deserve being treated like that."

"Huh? Anong sinasabi mo? Ayos lang ako. Wala ka namang ginagawa sa'king masama ah," she replied, looking puzzled at Mikha's sudden affectionate words.

Akala ko kukuha lang kami ng higaan.

"You're smart but stupid at the same time, do you know that?"

"Aba't!" Bagay talaga sila ni Stacey.

"Always being with Aiah makes me realize a few things. She is a great companion for someone indecisive like me. You know, I was confused, I really liked Aiah, the thought of her, the idea of us, those are the very reasons why I pursued her. What I like the most about her is that, she makes me realize what I truly want because she's the type of person who knows what she really wants."

Jhoanna nodded in agreement. Aiah was indeed that kind of person. But still, Jhoanna had no idea where this conversation was going.

"But at the same time, I didn't realize that those ideas, those thoughts... I've already been doing those to someone. In the middle, I got confused, I was like,  'Pa'no ba manligaw? Ito na ba 'yon? Aren't these what best friends do? I do these a lot with Stacku.'"

She stopped for a while, playing with her fingers. "I was gullible about my own feelings toward Stacey because everything felt natural and easy with her. When she confessed, I was afraid, ayokong mawala siya kapag nag-break kami, pero when she vanished in my life and came back hating me, my heart broke. I lost her either way. I lost her because of fear, without even trying."

"Then Aiah... You're so lucky, Jho. Aiah made me brave again. Our dates didn't go by nang hindi ka niya nababanggit and same goes with me kay Stacku. She badly wants to be with you, wants to try things with you, and she promises that she'll wait for you until you have your mind sorted. Tapos ikaw ipagtutulakan mo lang siya sa'kin because you don't want to hurt me?"

"Eh..." Jhoanna scratched her head.

"I know you both have your mind sorted, you want each other, and the only thing that's stopping you is your selflessness. Ayaw mong may ibang masaktan kaya sarili mo na lang. I appreciate it, Jho, but I accept it now. I'm chasing the wrong girl, and dumped the right one."

"Mikhs..." Jhoanna jumped on Mikha and cried.

Mikha chuckled and patted her back. "It's time you choose yourself, Jho. Choose what makes you happy."

Mikha came back dragging the bed inside, she nodded at Aiah, smiled, and gave her a thumb up. She motioned her to go there, the moment she had been waiting for.

"Ang bigat, my back hurts!" she complained, walking to the space beside Stacey and dropped there.

"Excuse me? Hindi ka d'yan. Si Jho d'yan, layas!" Stacey haughtily said, rolling her eyes at Mikha and moving away.

"I want to sleep here, I'm so tired," Mikha replied, throwing her arm on Stacey's stomach, only to be swatted away. "Huh? Ang arte mo, akala mo hindi sobrang higpit kung nakayakap kanina."

"Ka-kanina 'yon! Saka akala ko si Jho ka."

"Sus. Come on, Staks. Hindi mo ba 'ko na-miss?"

"Hindi! Nasa'n na ba si Ate Aiah? Dun ka sa nililigawan mo!"

"Huy, beh! Akala ko ba tumigil ka na sa panliligaw last week? Nililigawan mo ulit si Aiah?" Colet confusedly asked, peeking from the kitchen where they were washing the dishes. Stacey's voice was loud enough that they heard it.

Stacey's eyes widened as she looked at Mikha. "Tumigil ka?"

"Yeah, wala kang alam kasi tago kayo nang tago," Mikha replied sarcastically. "Aiah's talking to Jho now, if you know what about. Also, I stopped courting Aiah, we both know now what we want, or who I really want."

"Tigilan mo 'ko, Mikha Lim. Ayoko na. Umalis ka dito sa tabi ko. Ayoko ng second choice lang ako."

Stacey was about to stand but Mikha pulled her back, ending her leaning on top of her. She took it as a chance to lock her on their position, no matter how much Stacey tried to stand.

"You were never a second choice, Princess. You've always been the first, and I'm stupid enough not to notice that I've fallen in love with you already. I thought everything's just platonic, but I didn't realize I've been doing those developing my own feelings already. Thanks to Aiah for making me realize it more."

Stacey scowled, acting like she was still angry but soon enough, she was already crying. "Nakakainis ka pa rin! Akala mo gan'on lang yun? Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo sa'kin kahit kailan."

"Sorry na nga. I'll make it up to you. But I just want to let you know that I'm so sure of you now, Princess. I love you even if you don't believe it yet."

Mikha kissed Stacey's temple, hugging her tightly, basking in the warmth she provided. She always missed this every day since they parted ways, yearning for her presence, and even a glimpse of her. She suit herself with stalking Stacey's social media account every now and then just to see her face.

And now that she realized everything clearly, she wouldn't live without Stacey's presence again.

"Jhoanna..."

Jhoanna looked at the door, seeing Aiah coming inside carefully. Her lips stretched in an awkward smile, thinking of how she should approach her.

"Mikha asked me to come here dahil you need help... sa pagbubuhat ng bed?" She excused cutely, but they both know it wasn't the reason.

"Ahh, oo. Ang bigat kasi. Pa-help na lang. Tara."

But Aiah didn't move. She was confused. She thought everything was fine now because she talked to Mikha already. But why did it feel like... was she expecting too much? Wasn't that enough clarity to realize her feelings? Did she read her wrong?

"Aiah?"

"Huh? Ay, sorry. Wait." Aiah walked to her, her smiling face earlier turned to a disappointed one.

Jhoanna wanted to laugh. A confused Aiah was just so cute to watch. "Aiah."

"Ito ba? Ang bigat nga pala-"

"I..." Aiah stopped carrying the mattress as she looked at Jhoanna. She met her eyes, and she was pouting like a baby, overwhelmed by too much emotion. "I'm choosing myself. Sarili ko naman, Aiah..."

Aiah dropped the mattress and grabbed Jhoanna, hugging her tightly, her tears also streaming down her face. "I'm so proud of you, Jho. You deserve to be happy."

"Wait lang! Hindi pa 'ko tapos sa speech ko eh." Jhoanna wiped her tears, cupping Aiah's face with one hand and caressing her cheek. "Nakalimutan ko na tuloy. Pero sa pagpili ko sa sarili ko, sa pagpili ko ng kasiyahan ko, palaging ikaw ang nand'on. Mahal kita, Aiah."

Aiah smiled and cried, hugging Jhoanna again. "I thought hindi mo na mare-realize! Ang tagal! I love you more, Jhoanna. I'm here to remind you that it's okay to be selfish sometimes, if it's for the better."

Aiah pulled from the hug and wiped Jhoanna's tears. "You don't know how much strength it takes me to kiss you again after that night, and if it's okay with you..."

"Daming sinasabi!" Jhoanna leaned and captured Aiah's lips, an act that made it all clear.

They came back Colet's condo hand in hand, both smiley and giggly, and definitely in love. Their friends were all looking at them when they entered, Colet and Gwen were standing with their hands on their waists, obviously having a problem.

"Nasa'n yung mga higaan?"

"Ay hala! Naiwan namin! Sorry!" Jhoanna exclaimed, and it earned series of grumble. Aiah also chuckled, though looked at them apologetically.

"Pambihira, ako na kukuha! Alis!" Colet said but noticed their intertwined hands.

She grinned at Jhoanna. "Buti naman at natuto ka na. I'm happy for you, Jho."

Kahit sino naman magiging selfish 'pag si Aiah ang usapan.

"Tabi tayo?"

Jhoanna nodded at Aiah, grinning at her widely. "Ikaw na 'yan eh."

Chapter Text

Self-aware. 

Jhoanna was finally introduced to a new word that would not mistreat herself. All her life, she had set herself aside. She remained the shadow that always got other's backs, the sun and the bright light that guided their paths, the helping hand that never closed. It was fulfilling at some point, but it should have boundaries.

Maybe it weighed down in the heaviness of how much she had to give up. Maybe she couldn't give up love for someone else when it was for her.

Choosing herself brought so much happiness in her heart, and choosing Aiah Arceta, the transferee she never thought would change her life, added tenfold to that feeling. There was no regret, no guilt, no bad feelings, only peace whenever she was reminded that nothing would go wrong with choosing herself from time to time. 

Aside from herself, Aiah was worth choosing. 

It was Thursday. The other SC Officers were quiet and busy on their own folders that Jhoanna had assigned them to do.They had to plan upcoming events, initiate activities, make sure students were heard, etc., and each of them were busy. 

Probably except for Mikha, who kept on yawning, or Stacey, who had her head on Mikha's shoulder, lazily reading while playing with the pen in her hand, or Gwen, who was already sleeping.

A knock on the door, however, broke the silence. Everyone moved in surprise, looking at the door with expectation. Jhoanna pushed her falling glasses back up and looked at it with slightly furrowed brows, curiously waiting for the guest.

It opened, and a head popped in. It was Aiah, smiling widely at them as her eyes roamed around first before locking eyes with Jhoanna at the other end of the room. 

"Hi," she greeted cutely, completely getting in. There was a paper bag in her hand, and that was enough for everyone to know what she was there for. 

"Hay, finally! Kanina ko pa hinihintay 'yang human alarm natin," Sheena exclaimed as she closed the folder in her hand and stood up. "Lunch na, guys!"

"Late ka ng five minutes today, Aiah. Bukas pa-advance ng five minutes," Colet said as she also stretched her arms and back after pretending to be studying something in the folder.

Everyone stood up and prepared to leave, while Jhoanna watched them with amusement. “Hoy, bumalik kayo mamaya after ng klase n'yo ha. Walang tatapos niyang binigay ko kundi kayo lang.”

Her reminders fell on deaf ears as everyone started leaving. She could only shake her head. Her eyes went to Aiah again, who walked toward her with a grin. She put down the paper bag on the table and pulled a chair to sit beside her. 

“How are you, my dear?” Aiah sweetly asked, pulling Jhoanna’s chair closer to her. “I missed you.”

Jhoanna let her take her arms and wrap them around her shoulders for a hug and put her head in the crook of her neck. It made her smile.

Who would have thought that this quiet girl secretly had a clingy side that she only displayed to her? The effect of her touch was always there. Her heart was just happy and content whenever she would see Aiah always making her way toward her. 

Whenever they had this kind of moment, which was almost every day, she was always thankful that she chose to listen to herself. 

Imagining that Aiah would do this to another person that wasn’t her… Her chest tightened. Tusukin ko na lang mata ko.

“Sumasakit na ulo ko, ang busy ngayon. May event next week tapos kailangan namin ayusin lahat ng programs. How about you?”

Aiah's hands softly caressed her back in sympathy. “Not that busy, but I think I'll be busy next week.”

Jhoanna slightly pulled away, looking at her with confusion. “Huh? Puro events lang naman next week ah. Anong gagawin mo?”

“Our college is preparing for… something. You'll know soon since you're the SC President.” Aiah just wiggled her brows with a mischievous smile. “Anyway, let's eat? I'll massage your head later while they're not here yet.”

Jhoanna completely pulled away as she watched Aiah take out their food. This was their usual routine every lunchtime. The other SC Officers had labeled her as their ‘human alarm’ because she would always go there in the SC Office at exactly twelve noon. 

Most of the time they would go out to eat lunch in the cafeteria with their friends, but twice a week,or whenever Jhoanna was busy, they would eat alone in the SC Office.

“Wow! Ang sarap naman niyang binili mo,” she exclaimed upon seeing the food that Aiah ordered for the two of them. It was grilled chicken, still hot and definitely yummy. 

She excitedly took the utensils and was ready to dive in but Aiah held her wrist.

“Hep!” she said, earning a quizzical look from her. She then pointed at her cheek. “Kiss me first.”

Ay… Of course.

“Ano ba ‘yan, ‘yun lang pala.” Jhoanna held her chin and kissed her cheek quickly. “Okay na ba? Pwede na kumain?”

Instead of agreeing, Aiah only leaned closer to her face with pouting lips. “One more, love.”

She looked at Aiah’s pinkish lips then to her smiling eyes. She blushed. “Ang mahal naman ng bayad sa lunch na ‘to.”

Nonetheless, she lifted Aiah’s face and leaned down for a kiss. It was supposed to be a peck because she was hungry, but Aiah tilted her head and held Jhoanna's head still and moved her lips. 

My god.

This wasn’t the first time that they kissed. Jhoanna swore that with almost two months of being in a relationship with Aiah, they kissed a lot. But the feeling—the butterflies coming out of their cage every time—just started flying over her whole system, tickling her and making her heartbeat faster.

Aiah pulled away with a coy smile. “Let’s eat.”

“Finally, jusko! Pwede naman kasi after kumain eh.” Jhoanna immediately faced the food and took a bite of the grilled chicken. 

“Oh, sure. One more after kumain.”

She almost choked. “Hoy!”

“Why? Advance payment naman for the massage.”

“Abuso ka ah.”

“You love it, Jho.”

Syempre.

Self-worth. 

For so long, she had cared for others while hiding her own desires. She'd given up a lot of things because she believed she could handle it better if she didn't get what she wanted. 

But with Aiah's arrival in her life, she taught her that she didn't have to disappear for others to shine, and that her happiness mattered too. In her arms, she found the balance she'd been looking for.

Jhoanna would never regret choosing Aiah. In a room filled with people, she would go to her. In a room with so much space for the two of them, she'd find herself beside her.

In choosing Aiah, Jhoanna wasn't just choosing love—she was finally choosing herself.

—

Jhoanna loved helping. She liked it when people called her name for help, and the fact that they would immediately think of her whenever they needed help. 

It was fun at first, especially receiving a lot of thank you gifts and appreciation from the students. However, as it went on, and she had to give up some time for herself and for her friends, it was becoming a burden. A burden she hadn't had the courage to get rid of because that was what everyone got used to doing. 

She wanted to refuse to other people, but she couldn't, hence, she was just refusing to the people she knew would understand her better—her friends.

Monday. The start of the leisure week for some students, but a very busy week for the SC Officers. 

“Nasa'n na si Jhoanna?” Colet asked, looking around the room and finding everyone inside except for Jhoanna. “Nahatak na naman ba ng ibang students?”

“Oo, alam mo naman ‘yon. Nahihirapan pa ring humindi, pero papunta na ata,” Stacey said, glancing at Aiah, who was busy on her phone across from her.

She saw how Aiah looked at the girl who took the seat beside her that she was saving for Jhoanna. She wanted to protest but was too shy, so she kept mum and just awkwardly smiled at the girl who also smiled at her. Stacey couldn’t help but scoff, a bit too loud causing Aiah to look at her. 

She rolled her eyes, while Aiah furrowed her brows at that. Until now, they hadn’t had the chance to talk about their small misunderstanding before. Stacey still hadn’t apologized for how she treated her because she was Mikha’s love interest and she was discarded to the side. But they were more casual now. After all, she only had her eyes on her best friend. 

“Tigilan mo nga si Ate Aiah sa attitude mo,” Mikha whispered in her ear, putting her arm on her shoulder. “Sinusumpong ka na naman porket mabait ‘yung tao.”

Stacey couldn’t help but chuckle. “Nakakatawa kasi siya. Ang bait niya mag-taray. Kailan kaya kami makakapag-usap ng matino? Ikaw kasi eh.”

“Luh. Ba’t ako?” Mikha defensively asked. Though partly, she was indeed to blame for being so dense about Stacey’s feelings.

“Hahanap pa kasi ng iba nandito naman ako.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Inaway ko pa tuloy ‘yung nagugustuhan mo, buti na lang focus lang si Ate Aiah kay Jho. Sana all na lang ‘di ba?”

“Sure, baby. But I’m focused on you too, fyi.” 

“Syempre. Patay na patay ka sa’kin eh.”

“Ha… Kapal.”

After a while, the door opened and Jhoanna finally came in. Apologizing to everyone for the delay. They were there to talk about the Outreach Program they would do tomorrow, and everyone in the room were volunteer leaders of each College Department, including Aiah.

She went to where Aiah was seated, but realized that someone was already seated next to her so she walked past her.

"Where are you going?" Aiah furrowed her brows at her in confusion, watching her walk past behind her.

Jhoanna stopped and looked at her, scratching her cheek. "Dito lang sa kabilang side. Walang space d'yan eh."

Aiah watched her sit three seats away from her, she even craned her neck just to look at her with an obvious disapproval on her face. Jhoanna found it cute, and she actually wanted to laugh, but they were with other people. 

Napaka cute talaga kahit naiinis.

“Start na po tayo? Comfortable na po ba ang lahat?” she asked, readying the folder with the list of all the things they needed to do and bring, from littlest details to the biggest responsibilities.

"Sorry, can we move po? I'd like to sit beside her kasi, is it okay lang po?" Aiah suddenly asked politely, standing up so the three others in between them would move to the left until she could sit beside Jhoanna. “Thank you po.”

If everyone saw how Aiah sat happily beside Jhoanna and placed her hand on her back, casually pulling their seats closer until the armrests hit each other, and how she whispered something in Jhoanna’s ear, no one said anything and kept their thoughts in their heads. 

Jhoanna, on the other hand, chewed the inside of her cheek, trying her best to stop from smiling. 

“Clingy mo ah. Sandali lang naman ‘tong meeting.”

Aiah shrugged. “I know but beside me is where you're meant to be, Jhoanna.”

She looked at her, suddenly malfunctioning because her words never fail to make her stop and think. Jusko naman, Aiah!

She cleared her throat and composed herself before looking around with a smile as she started the meeting, ignoring the hand soothingly caressing her waist.

Jhoanna wasn't the clingy type. Sometimes, she didn't even want someone touching her. She sometimes felt uncomfortable whenever her friends became too clingy.

However, when it came to Aiah, she didn't even mind if their hands become sweaty from holding hands the whole day, or her heart would beat abnormally fast whenever she would feel Aiah’s hand affectionately rubbing her side, or how she would just randomly pout her lips to ask for a kiss. 

Jhoanna would smile, laugh, tease her, but still give in. Si Aiah na ‘to, aarte pa ba ‘ko?

She started the meeting about the activity tomorrow, and everyone listened well, taking notes of the things they had to do so everything would go according to plans. 

“Actually, guys, this idea is from Aiah. Siya ‘yung nag-coordinate ng lahat, siya naghanap ng charity, at family niya rin ‘yung main sponsor for this year’s Community Program, so palakpakan natin siya.”

“Huy.” Aiah nudged her in shyness. “No need po. Ginagawa ko na rin po ito before pa.”

Aiah was an angel, both in her life and other people’s lives. Jhoanna didn't even know what she did in the past that this perfect girl took notice of her and loved her.

She deserved all the good things in life, and Jhoanna was doubting herself because she felt like she didn't deserve Aiah, and that Mikha might probably be better than her. One of the reasons why she was pushing her away.

Yet right now, she was thankful she chose Aiah because she realized that she was ready—ready to give all the good things to her.

“Lunch tayo sa labas? Wala namang gagawin eh.” Colet asked them after the meeting while the others were going out. “Okay ba sa inyo, Jho at Aiah?”

Jhoanna looked at Aiah, silently asking for her answer. Aiah nodded as she replied, “As long as you’re there.”

“Sige. Sama kami,” Jhoanna agreed, intertwining her hand with Aiah’s.

“‘Yun! Tara sa-”

“Pres!” a student suddenly called with, rushing inside the office with her friends. “Pwedeng patulong sa booth namin? May konting aberya lang, kailangan namin ng suggestion n'yo.”

“Ha?” Jhoanna conflictedly looked at them, then to her friends. With how they were just staring back at her, they wouldn’t help her. They were waiting for her answer. “Seryoso ba? Kailangang-kailangan na?”

“Bukas na kasi eh. Gagawin na namin sana ngayon.”

If it were the selfless Jhoanna before, she wouldn’t go to lunch with her friends and choose to help. But a squeeze in her hand made her look at Aiah. She smiled and nodded at her encouragingly, as if saying that it was okay. It was okay to refuse if she didn’t want to.

“Mag-lunch muna kami, okay lang? Babalik kami mamayang one o’clock. Pupuntahan ko kayo agad.” 

The answer made her friends smile in relief. They were proud of that answer because they knew how much time she had given up for herself to dedicate them for others. They were proud because, finally, they could see that Jhoanna was giving worth to herself too.

“‘Sus, si Ate Aiah lang pala kailangan para matutong humindi,” Stacey commented, rolling her eyes at Jhoanna. 

“Sanay na humindi si Ate Jho, hindi ko na siya mapagtitripan,” Sheena added, sounding disappointed because it wouldn’t be easy now to randomly ask Jhoanna to dance in front of so many people for the sake of laughter. 

Jhoanna snickered. “Ewan ko sa inyo. Tara na nga. Hindi naman ako humindi, pupuntahan ko pa rin sila after lunch.”

“Pero inuna mo ang sarili mo this time,” Colet noted, and if there was someone proudest for the development, it was her. 

Jhoanna realized that, and she nodded with a smile. Yes, she was also proud of herself too.

However…

Old habits die hard. 

She remembered how she would always sleep late whenever she had an exam the next day. Their examination was always a whole week, and having only ten hours of sleep for seven days in total sent her to the hospital, and received an earful from her mother. 

She stopped that habit after that, but there were still times she would find herself staying up too late and sleeping too little whenever it was exam week. It was Stacey and Sheena who would check up on her, reminding her to sleep. 

There was also one time when she was young, she would think the worst things in every situation. She thought it was a good thing because whenever she wouldn’t expect good things, good things happen. But her mom told her to stop it because it made a person pessimistic that instead of influencing people to be positive, she was sharing her negative energy to others.

Since then, she tried so hard not to think negatively of things, and instead influenced others to be positive. It was hard, especially when things wouldn’t end up good, and she was disappointed, but she learned how to accept the results easier.

Maybe one more thing she had to completely learn how to stop was being selfless in things she should not be selfless about.

“Miss Aiah Arceta? Wow, it’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for trusting us to be part of your outreach program. I’ve heard a lot of things about you and I’ve been meaning to meet you.”

Jhoanna watched as this man, whatever his name was, shook Aiah’s hand with obvious fondness. Hindi ba niya nakikita na magka-holding hands kami?

He was the leader of the group that Aiah contacted to help them for this community service. Since this community was huge, they needed help from other volunteers. Jhoanna was thankful, don’t get her wrong, but it was just probably the way this man looked at Aiah, or how this man looked so good, handsome, kind, a volunteer too, and seemingly smart as well, that somehow made her feel… threatened. It would probably be best to say that they had a lot of similarities. 

“Nice to meet you too po. Thank you po for agreeing on this.” 

“Uy, ‘wag ka na mag-‘po’, same age lang tayo.”

“Ahh.” Aiah glanced at her for a while. “Anyway, here are the volunteers from our university led by the School Councils, especially our SC President, Jhoanna.”

Jhoanna gave him a simple smile. “Nice to meet you po.”

The man looked at her and then to her hand intertwined with Aiah’s, and then to her and Aiah, looking like putting two and two together. But he chose not to comment on it. 

“Nice to meet you too. Anyway, shall we start? How do we lead, Miss Aiah?” He didn't care about anyone else but Aiah.

“Oh. How do we start, love?” But Aiah only cared about her.

Jhoanna saw the surprise on the man’s face at how Aiah addressed her. She wanted to brag, but she kind of felt bad that she was thinking like this in a situation that should have unity to help other people. Focus on the job, Jho. 

She sighed, hoping to release the bad energy and negativity in her mind. They were there to help. Maybe she would just think that everyone was just friendly, and there was no malice. Maybe this guy just wanted to befriend Aiah because they share the same goal, or maybe he also admired Aiah because well, this woman was really admirable. 

Yet it was difficult, especially when she could see that Aiah was also slowly enjoying the company of this man that Jhoanna didn’t even bother knowing the name. Aiah was holding the microphone, entertaining the kids the best that she could, while this man was assisting her in everything. 

They could understand each other when it came to volunteering. Hay, Jhoanna. Napaka unreasonable mo. Genuine lang sila sa pagtulong tapos ikaw kung ano-ano iniisip mo.

She looked away, walking toward the other side, getting a bottle of water for Aiah since she saw her sweating already. However, she met eyes with Stacey, who squinted her eyes and slightly creased her forehead upon seeing her small pout. Just like always, she could immediately tell when something was wrong with her. 

Jhoanna hugged her without any words. Since Stacey was the one facing the other side, it wasn’t hard to tell what was the cause of her sudden sullen mood. She rubbed her back affectionately. 

“‘Wag mo itago, ilabas mo. Maiintindihan ni Ate Aiah,” she could only say, knowing how Jhoanna was probably already thinking how to ignore her feelings because she thought it wasn’t important.

“Hindi na. ‘Di naman importante,” she said, and Stacey could only scoff because she was right. 

“Hoy! Nagyayakapan na naman kayo,” Mikha noticed, hittiing Jhoanna’s butt as she went to their side. Then, she noticed her mood. She looked at Stacey. “What happened?”

“Selos,” Stacey mouthed, and Mikha could only say ‘Ahh’ quietly. Stacey rubbed Jhoanna's back comfortingly. “Alam mo, Jho. Iiwan ko si Mikha para sayo. Sabihin mo lang.”

“Excuse me? You’re the one who can’t live without me.” Mikha rolled her eyes, not even affected by that because they both know the truth. They both couldn’t live without each other.

Jhoanna pulled away silently, glancing at Aiah and seeing her still talking to that man, who gave her a bottle of water to drink, not even bothering to check up on her, not even looking at her side even for a second, not even looking for her. She looked at the bottle of water in her hand and just put it aside.

Syempre si Aiah na ‘yan. Normal lang naman na gan'yan reaction ‘pag kasama siya. Friendly lang talaga siya at lapitin ng tao. Wala lang ‘to.

It was lunch. Jhoanna decided to go to Aiah’s side and was about to tell her to eat together, the moment she had been waiting to talk to her, to have her by her side again even for a short moment because they hadn’t interacted since the event started. That guy wouldn’t just leave her alone. 

“Tara na sa loob, Aiah. Pakita ko sa’yo ‘yung sinasabi ko sa’yo kanina.”

Jhoanna was hoping Aiah would notice her approaching, or she would at least refuse because it was already lunch and they often eat lunch together. Jhoanna was expecting her to reject him because what could be the reason they needed to go somewhere together? 

“Oh, sure! I’ll check it quickly.”

She was dumbfounded. She watched as this guy put his arm on Aiah’s shoulder and led her inside the barangay hall. She was irritated upon seeing him look at her side with a grin as if mocking her.

Jhoanna bit her lip. She wasn't easily irritated, especially not toward someone she barely knew, but this guy, who was obviously and purposely getting Aiah’s attention was testing her. 

Baka importante? was all that she could think, still trying to be positive despite her frustration. Pero mahirap bang iinform man lang ako?

With confused and frustrated feeling, she marched back to where the other volunteers were, feeling defeated and listless without Aiah in sight. 

Yet, still, she waited. 

“Tawagin mo na si Aiah, Jho. Lunch na kayo. Anong oras na,” Colet said, nudging her because twenty minutes had passed and Aiah wasn’t back yet. 

Jhoanna’s patience had already reached its limit.

“Busy pa ata siya. Okay lang ‘yan. Mauna na ‘ko.”

“Sure ka ba?”

Jhoanna didn't answer and just ate. She didn't want this kind of feeling, and she didn't even know what to do with it. She wanted to go inside, check on Aiah, and maybe ask what she was doing, but at the same time, why?

It was probably about donations, and Aiah was probably very interested in it. She wouldn't go there if she wasn't, right? It was something she was passionate about. She shouldn't feel anything negative at all. 

But it was the person she was with that irritated her, and probably the fact that she never even told her where she was going, and another one was probably because she was so hungry that she easily felt irritated. 

The last one was a bigger factor. 

After a while, Aiah came back alone, but Jhoanna was already throwing her plate, indicating that she was done. The sight caused confusion on Aiah’s face.

“Did you eat without me?”

“Oo. Busy ka pa eh. Nauna na ‘ko.”

Aiah’s brows furrowed. “You could have called me, Jhoanna.”

“Busy ka nga.”

“And? Hindi mo ba ‘ko kilala, Jho? I'll drop everything in seconds for you.”

Jhoanna looked away. “Ayokong maka-istorbo.”

“Saan?” Aiah’s tone raised a bit high. She was as frustrated as she was.

“Sa pagkakaibigan mo. Sa kung ano mang nabubuo niyo d'yan habang magkasama kayo. Mukhang masaya ka naman so hindi na kita iniistorbo. Susuportahan kita kung saan ka masaya.”

Jhoanna didn't want to sound jealous, but she was. She didn't want Aiah to feel conflicted with how she was acting, but she was bothered. Those words tasted bitter in her mouth. 

Aiah looked at her with a hurt expression, a reaction Jhoanna did not expect. “Is that it, Jho? Or is it because it’s easier for you to give me away than to claim me?”

Jhoanna stared at Aiah, and she stared back. There was just hurt and frustration in her eyes—hurt from her words, frustrated from her action. Nagseselos lang naman ako, pero hindi ko siya ipamimigay…

“Hindi sa ganon…” Pero ano? Realizing her words, it was like she was really giving her away, she was just letting things happen. She was pushing her away. 

“Seriously, Jhoanna… I’m hurt.” Aiah turned her back. “I’ll eat alone.”

Jhoanna watched as Aiah went to the table with food and took her food, sitting alone there with a sad mood. She wanted to follow, maybe explain, or apologize, or just stay there by her side, but she felt like she needed to calm the raging insecurity in her heart first before talking to her. 

Hence, she walked to the other side, sitting on the bench and frequently glancing at Aiah. 

“Anong nangyari?” Colet asked, sitting beside her and Maloi on the other side. “Sabi sa'yo tawagin mo eh.”

“Mukhang nag-eenjoy kasi siya, so hinayaan ko na lang.”

“Hinayaan mo kasi nagseselos ka.” Maloi pulled some of her hair. “Kung ako man ‘yon, iisipin ko talagang pinamimigay mo ‘ko. Hahayaan mo na lang din bang maagaw si Aiah sa'yo?”

That question lingered longer in her head. Would she let anyone steal Aiah from her? Would she easily give way for others to go to Aiah’s heart because she wasn't guarding it? Would she be able to handle it this time if she let her selflessness take over and found Aiah with someone else?

Her eyes went to Aiah, who was still eating but Stacey and Mikha were beside her now.

No. 

“Wala 'yang selfless character mo kay Aiah, Jho. Parang aso 'yan eh. Kahit ibugaw mo palayo, babalik pa rin sa'yo."

Jhoanna slightly grimaced at the representation. Bakit naman aso ginamit?

"Tama si Maloi. Ayaw ni Aiah na maging selfless ka pagdating sa kanya. Gusto niya ‘yung inaangkin mo siya, hindi ‘yung pinapamigay. Tahimik lang 'yan pero nasasaktan din yan sa mga ginagawa mo,” Colet told her, nudging her shoulder, but smiled comfortingly.

“‘Wag mong hayaang mas mahal ka niya, Jho. Love her just as much,” Maloi added. 

Jhoanna sighed again, glancing at Aiah, and surprisingly meeting her eyes. She looked away.

---

“Niyakap ako ni Jho kanina.”

Aiah frowned. This wasn't a good thing to hear when she was in this kind of mood. “So? Why are you telling me that?”

She played with her food. She has lost appetite. She just ate some so she could fill her belly, but eating without Jhoanna beside her and knowing they were not okay felt weird and heavy. 

“Tuwing may nakikita kasi siyang ayaw niya, tumatalikod siya, niyayakap niya ‘ko para hindi niya makita. Hindi man niya pinapahalata pero nagseselos siya, ayaw lang niyang sabihin.” 

Stacey saw their misunderstanding, and though she wanted to side with Aiah, she knew her best friend better and could understand her feelings more.

Aiah furrowed her brows at that. “Jealous of what? Am I giving her any reasons to be jealous?” 

“Ikaw wala, pero may nakikita ang ibang tao na hindi mo nakikita. Kilala ko si Jho, hindi siya gagan’yan lang ng walang dahilan. Threatened siguro siya or insecure, at hilig niyang i-downplay ‘yung mga nararamdaman niya kasi sa tingin niya ang babaw.”

“I know you will understand her, Ate Aiah. You said before that she's easy to read. Though she needs to learn how to be vocal, don't let this kind of problem get bigger,” Mikha added.

Jhoanna being jealous would be a good sign for Aiah, but if she would be jealous and push her away, she would rather not. All she just wanted her to do was be open to her, or do something with her feelings so she would feel that Jhoanna valued her too. 

Do I have to spell it out for her? May pagka-clueless nga pala siya.

“I know. I was just hurt a bit.”

“Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo do’n? Hinintay ka naman niya, ang tagal mo lang, tapos dikit pa nang dikit sa'yo ‘yung lalaki na ‘yon.”

“I asked my brother to donate, and he sent his donation through their group so I checked it inside. Pero true, ang daming sinasabi ni kuya leader, hindi lang ako makalabas.”

“There. You should also know how to refuse. Same lang kayo ni Jho eh. Mas lamang lang siya ng konti.”

Aiah sighed, glancing at Jhoanna. She missed her. She was expecting to hold her hand at lunch because they had been away from each other since the morning, but then this happened. 

Sadly, Jhoanna looked away. 

It seemed that she would have to deal with the small distance for a while.

—

Until the end of the program, Jhoanna stayed beside Colet and Maloi, even though these two pushed her to talk to Aiah already because obviously, they were just both waiting. 

But every time Jhoanna would try to, that irritating guy would race her in talking to Aiah. Even Colet and Maloi found out that he was doing it on purpose. 

“Sasapakin ko bungo niyan, pigilan niyo ‘ko,” Colet violently reacted upon seeing him looked at Jhoanna teasingly while giving tissue to Aiah, who was assisting the kids. 

“Walang pipigil sa'yo, mahal. Sasamahan pa kita,” Maloi supported, rolling her eyes at the guy. 

Jhoanna was also irritated, but she could see that Aiah was uncomfortable, too. She would also look at her way to check her reaction, and would make an effort to be far from that guy. At least, she could feel it too now.

Now that it was time to pack up, Jhoanna busied herself in helping sweep the ground with others. She saw Aiah watching her from her peripheral vision, until she decided to walk toward her. 

Jhoanna suddenly became excited, but she hid it. She had also been wanting to talk to her, but she was scared she might say something that could hurt her again. She had calmed down, and she didn't want to prolong their fight. Nami-miss ko na siya.

But this guy wouldn't just let Jhoanna’s irritation rest. Before Aiah could completely come near, he approached her.

“Aiah, pwede makipag-picture? Ipo-post namin ‘to sa group namin.”

“Ah. As a group po ba? Wait, let me just call the Student Council- Love-!”

“Hindi. Sa'yo lang. May picture na tayong lahat kanina. Tayong dalawa lang sana, for memories na rin. Okay lang naman ‘di ba?”

Aiah looked at her as if asking her for permission, and also this guy raised his brows at her. Jhoanna honestly wanted to refuse. This guy didn't deserve a picture with Aiah, but what would it make them look? What would it make Aiah look like in this relationship?

Picture lang naman ‘yon. Hindi naman aagawin.

Jhoanna just nodded, and was about to turn her back, but the guy called her. 

“Ay, Pres Jhonna? Pwedeng pa-picture na rin? Busy kasi ‘yung iba. Ito oh.” 

Nandito ba nanay ko?

He gave her his phone, and stood beside Aiah, even placing his hand on her shoulder and smiled. Jhoanna wanted to scoff, but instead, she just smiled, and took the picture. 

Aiah also looked displeased. She didn't even smile at the picture, only looking at it for the sake of looking formal. 

Jhoanna gave back the phone after taking them a picture. If it was blurred, she didn't care. She wouldn't repeat it again. She looked at Aiah, and actually, this was the first time she saw her with that pissed off expression.

She just turned her back and walked away from them. Maiinis lang ako lalo. Hindi niya deserve mapatulan.

“Thank you. See you again, Aiah. I hope-”

“I'll let this go po this once,” Aiah said before he could finish. “But if you disrespect my girlfriend again like that, I don't think I'll ever contact your volunteer group again. Still, thank you po for helping our school to achieve this. Mag-ingat po kayo sa pag-uwi.”

Aiah gave him a tight-lipped smile and left him there, running after Jhoanna. She took her wrist and pulled her back. “Where are you going this time? Let’s talk.”

Jhoanna tried to take her hand back, but Aiah held her tighter. "Du'n muna ako kay Stacey tatabi-"

“You've been beside other people but mine. What if Aiah rin, Jho?" Aiah looked at her with slightly furrowed brows as if she was nearly getting upset. She had enough of the hours of not talking to each other. "What if dito ka rin sa tabi ko?"

Jhoanna looked at her and at her hand holding her wrist. Aiah suddenly pulled her forward, causing her to slightly gasp and ended up inside her arms. Aiah enveloped her in a tight hug. She suddenly felt conscious. Their relationship wasn’t known by other people yet, especially not by their schoolmates.

“Maraming nakatingin, Aiah.”

Aiah frowned, her hug loosening. "Why do you keep on thinking of other people, Jho? Pa'no naman ako? Have you ever considered my feelings?"

Jhoanna froze at that. Her chest tightened. She didn’t mean making her feel neglected like that. She was too focused on what she might be thinking that she would always choose the decision that she thought was best for her. She failed to think that Aiah also valued her, and that Aiah preferred everything that involved her.

She sighed, hugging her back, burying her face on the crook of her neck. “Sorry, love. Nagseselos ata ako.” 

Aiah softly rubbed her back. Jhoanna rarely called her using their endearment in public when they weren’t alone. So, it made Aiah smile. “Anong ata? Hindi ka sure?”

“Nagseselos ako. Eh lapit kasi nang lapit eh. Tuko ba ‘yon? Tapos nakukuha pa atensyon mo so natatakot ako na baka maging interesado ka sa kaniya kasi… ang dami niyang ismilarities. Ayoko rin namang isipin mo na masyado akong mahigpit eh nagtutulungan lang naman kayo.”

Aiah pulled away and looked at her face. She looked at her forehead, wiping her sweat, then meeting her eyes affectionately, then her eyes went down on her lips. “What you’re feeling is valid, Jhoanna. And if I were in your position, I would probably feel the same if I saw someone lurking around you, but you could have talked to me.”

Jhoanna nodded. “Alam ko. Mali ako.”

“Next time, do something with your jealousy, okay?”

“Oo. Kakausapin-”

“No. Not just that.”

“Eh ano?”

“Claim me.”

+++

Aiah was beautiful. Everybody could tell that obviously. The kind of beauty that was ‘to die for’. She would just walk in the campus and she would immediately turn heads her way even though she didn’t care about them.

Jhoanna was actually very proud. Imagine, who would have thought that she would get the probably most beautiful girl in the campus chasing her? She never had thought of even getting a girlfriend in the school year, and Aiah might probably be her biggest plot twist of the year. 

Aiah was so beautiful, not just outside, but she was also the most beautiful inside, and people deserved to know that. Really, they should. 

But when she heard about Aiah joining the university’s annual Miss Charity Angel contest, why was there a pout on her face?

Looking at Aiah on the stage wearing such a beautiful silver shiny gown, with full make up on, her hair curled, and looking elegantly beautiful, Jhoanna couldn't help but worry. She knew after this night, it wouldn't be the same anymore.

The amount of claps that erupted whenever her name was called was both making Jhoanna smile and frown. It was like there was an angel and demon fighting in her head. 

“Hoy, natatawa jowa mo sa'yo. Ayusin mo mukha mo.”

Jhoanna scratched her cheek. “Ang dami ko ng karibal, Stacku. Nawala nga si Mikha, sumobra naman dami ngayon.”

“Ang OA mo. Sa'yo pa rin naman uuwi ‘yan.”

Aiah had been on that stage for an hour already. She walked on stage, showed off how much of a beauty queen material she was, showed off how intelligent she was, and let everybody know how admirable she was.

She loved that everybody was getting to know her, and Aiah actually deserved it, but for some reason, everyone knowing Aiah meant more competition for her. 

Thankfully, though, she was competitive. 

She and her friends were in the crowd to cheer for Aiah instead of their own college. Well, they weren't being bias, among the candidates, it was Aiah who deserved the title in all aspects. 

But that wasn't really her issue. 

“Anong pangalan nung babae sa gitna?” 

“Hindi ko narinig kanina. Pero ang ganda! Hanapin mo sa FB, bilis!”

Jhoanna grimaced, glancing at these boys behind them. They were a year older than her, probably the same year as Aiah but from different departments. This was exactly what she was talking about. 

She looked at Aiah, who smiled at her from the stage. With all these people in front of her, her eyes would always meet hers. She would only look at her. Kita n'yo ‘yan, guys? Hanap kayo sa inyo!

“Hindi ko makita. Mali ata spelling ko.”

“Ayun si Pres Jhoanna, tanungin mo kaya? Ibibigay naman niya ‘yan.”

Stacey looked at her, also listening to these men talking about Aiah. She was checking up on her reaction. But Jhoanna just smiled.

Soon enough, she felt a soft poke on her shoulder. She looked back, seeing three boys expectantly looking at her with their phones ready to search for Aiah’s name.

“Pres! Ano name nung nasa gitna na maganda at matangkad?”

“Huh? Nasa'n? May maganda ba d'yan?” she asked, looking at the stage, feigning innocence.

“‘Yun oh. Parang Aya ata rinig ko, ‘di lang ako sure sa spelling.”

They pointed at exactly where Aiah was standing, and her name being mentioned, well, Jhoanna seemed to have no escape from the question.

“Ah. Aiah…” Jhoanna felt a nudge by Stacey. She looked at her and her other friends. They all had furrowed brows, also listening to the exchange of conversation.

“Ibibigay mo talaga?” Stacey asked in confusion and a bit of irritation.

“Wala namang masama,” she answered with a shrug. Pangalan lang naman.

“Stacku, palit nga tayo. Hahambalusin ko lang ‘yan nitong bote ng coke na hawak ko,” Colet harshly said. “Akala ko natuto na ‘yan.”

Jhoanna had learned, but she wouldn't deny anyone the opportunity to know Aiah. This girl was worth admiring, she was inspiring, and she was a good influence to everyone. 

Deserve ni Aiah makilala, kahit ng buong mundo.

Nonetheless, even if Jhoanna tried to gatekeep her name, they would still know her anyway. She looked at the stage, Aiah looked ethereal while waiting for the winner announcement. She was just standing there but just looking at her face, her heart was already pounding.

“Now for the Ms. Charity Angel 2024. Congratulations…”

“So, ano pong full name, Pres? Search ko sa Facebook.”

Jhoanna gave them a tight-lipped smile. Aba, naghihintay pa rin pala ‘tong mga ‘to. 

“Aiah, guys. Aiah Arceta, or pwede n'yo rin siyang tawaging ‘magandang girlfriend ni Pres Jhoanna.’”

“From the College of Architecture and Design, Ms. Aiah Arceta!”

Jhoanna looked at the stage again, and started cheering so loudly along with her friends. But as Aiah walked forward with her angelic smile, it suddenly felt like the world slowed down—the jump, the claps, the scream, her gasp. Everything became blurry, and the only one she could see clearly was Aiah. 

Napaka ganda ng mahal ko.

She saw how Aiah’s eyes scanned the crowd while receiving the awards until her eyes met hers. Her smile became wider, and Jhoanna thought she already loved Aiah so much that it was enough, but right now, she was falling deeper and deeper in love with her. 

Her heart ached, not because she couldn't have this girl, but rather because she loved her so much that she wasn't sure how else to express it.

Jhoanna looked at the crowd, too. They were all watching Aiah with the same admiration. She was proud, but at the same time, there was some sort of possessiveness coursed through her system. 

She would always forget her selflessness when it came to her. Handa naman akong ipaubaya lahat, ‘wag lang si Aiah.

“Jho, tara! Salubungin mo si Ate Aiah! Bilis!” Stacey urged, grabbing Jhoanna’s wrist as they went near the stage.

It was indeed what she needed right now—to be close to Aiah, to hold her, and to make sure that this girl was really hers right now. She needed to ensure that this wasn't a dream and that she was still there perpetually.

But more than that, she wanted everyone to know that this girl they were admiring was head over heels in love with her.

And she felt the same.

Aiah was surrounded by so many people, and they could barely go through. They stopped at the back, Jhoanna suddenly hesitated whether to go to her because the thought of Aiah deserving this admiration from a lot of people came in her mind. 

Moment niya ‘to.

However, Aiah tiptoed, craned her neck and looked for them—for her. She met her eyes, and there was something in them as if inviting her to go to her. Suddenly what Colet told her back then came into her mind.

Ayaw ni Aiah na maging selfless ka pagdating sa kanya. Gusto niya ‘yung inaangkin mo siya, hindi pinamimigay.

It was enough for Jhoanna to push forward. Despite the amount of students on her way, she pursued. She heard Colet and Stacey’s voice calling her name, probably worried that she might be nudged, stepped on, or even punched, but Jhoanna listened to her heart. 

She didn’t know where she was already or if she was near to where Aiah was. She had her hands covering her face, afraid she’d hurt her face. It was actually difficult to see the way, most of these people were tall men who wanted a picture with Aiah. The thought only made her want to get nearer because no, they had no chance. She wouldn’t let them.

Akin ‘yan eh.

Finally, with a few more steps, she managed to get out of the crowd, and Aiah was there, in front of her, awkwardly smiling to other people. 

“Aiah!”

Aiah looked at her side, eyes lighting up as she stretched her hand toward her. The other students looked at her, giving her space to walk on because she was the respected Student Council President. 

Thanks to them though, Jhoanna managed to run up to Aiah and did what she had been wanting to do since earlier. 

“Jho-”

She cupped her cheeks and kissed her right in front of these people admiring her. Aiah was obviously shocked as well, but kissed her back after a second. She felt her smile in their kiss, pulling her waist closer. 

“Grabe siya,” Maloi commented in awe as they watched everything unfold before them.

“Kinikilig ako!” Stacey squealed, hitting Mikha’s arm, who hissed in shock and pain. “Sheena, videohan mo, bilis! Pamblackmail natin ‘yan in the future.”

“Hay, Jhoanna. Iba ka mang-angkin,” Colet added, smiling widely and proudly.

Jhoanna and Aiah pulled away from each other, both blushing from the kiss. Aiah smiled at her as if she was so proud of what she did, of claiming her, of letting these people know she was taken, and all that they could do was nothing more than admiration.

“Wow,” Aiah could only say, looking at her with glistening eyes.

Jhoanna held her hands, looking at her eyes with love and sincerity. “Sa'kin ka lang, Aiah.”

Heavily possessive phrase coming from a selfless woman like her. She had never owned anyone or anything before, never said such selfish words, and never claimed anything.

But this was Aiah. She was someone she would never share nor let go for someone else, even if they begged her to.

Para sa'kin lang.

“Always, Jhoanna.”

Chapter Text

AIAH’S POV

Anxious.

Nervous. 

Overthinking. 

In her head full of doubts and uncertainties, Aiah always yearned and sought for something that would keep her at peace. She sighed, opening her favorite mint candy and ate it, calming her system immediately.

Aiah looked outside the car as her driver drove her to her new school. Huge buildings, small stalls, and many young people wearing the same uniform as hers, were walking on the sidewalk, indicating that they were already near the university. 

She didn't know what to expect from the new environment but she was hoping she would find her place there. 

She received an email last night that she would be welcomed by the gate and someone would tour her around. It was a testament how welcoming this school was. She knew she shouldn’t be nervous, but she just couldn’t seem to rest her nerves. 

She checked the email again. As far as she could remember, she was given a name to look for in case no one was there to welcome her. 

You may look for Jhoanna Robles at the Student Council Office.

In curiosity and to know the face of the person she was going to look for, she exited the email and went to the school’s page, looking for this certain Jhoanna Robles, which wasn’t really that difficult to find because pinned on the page was pictures of Student Council members with the faculty, and at the top picture was a picture of Jhoanna Robles with her welcoming message to the students.

“Pretty,” she said to herself as she stared at the woman in the picture.

She couldn’t help but feel at ease. This girl smiling cordially in the picture looked dependable, a girl who seemed confident and smart. Aiah somehow felt less nervous and her worries lessened knowing she'd be welcomed by this person.

“Nandito na po tayo, Miss Aiah. Sandali lang po. Pagbubuksan ko kayo.”

Aiah smiled and took her bag. She looked outside and waited for the driver. There was a small group of students forming a line, seemingly expecting her because they were watching the car with expectant eyes. 

Nakakapressure naman… Breathe. You can do this, Aiah. Smile.

She got out of the car then smiled at her driver. “Thanks po, kuya. I’ll call you na lang po if pauwi na ako.”

“Sige po, Ma’am. Good luck po.”

Though she was a bit nervous, she shyly faced these students and sported a simple smile. Aiah felt a bit conscious, they were all staring at her as she walked toward them. She was not used to this attention, but she remained calm and tried to appear friendly.

They all looked friendly and kind, all looked new to her eyes. Until her eyes landed on this familiar girl she was expected to meet, Jhoanna Robles.

Jhoanna looked a bit in a daze, maybe surprised? Starstruck? Stunned? But she was staring at her with her slightly parted lips. It looked funny, Aiah couldn't help but smile more.

Warm. Light. Transparent. Calming. These were just some words Aiah could describe her in this short moment, and honestly, she wanted to know more about her. Jhoanna seemed like a person she would get along well with, but…

Grabe naman makatitig!

The girl beside her nudged her side, making Jhoanna wince. It became a bit awkward since she was staring for a whole minute already and no one was saying anything. They were all waiting for her. 

“Hi! I'm Aiah Arceta, the transferee,” she greeted when her attention was on her now, extending her hand for a handshake.

Jhoanna introduced herself as well, but she looked a bit distant as she hesitantly took her hand, which made her wonder if she was usually like this because the comments under her pictures said she was very approachable and always smiling. 

Maybe she doesn't like me?

Nonetheless, she also introduced herself with others, and they had been very welcoming toward her. But among all of them, maybe it was because she has the highest position or she just looked approachable, smart, and comfortable that Aiah wanted to talk to Jhoanna.

“I'm Mikha Lim. You're so pretty.”

Aiah was beautiful, of course, she was aware. There were a lot of people who had shown interest in her already, so getting stares was something she got used to. However, this girl, who introduced herself as Mikha Lim, was bolder and more straightforward. Being teased with her was slightly uncomfortable, especially upon seeing a slight frown on Stacey’s face.

“Tama na ‘yan, guys. I have to tour Ms. Aiah pa.”

Aiah’s smile widened once again. She was expecting this. She was excited about this—about talking to her. 

“Oh, yes, right. I need to know the places here at school pala.”

“Pwedeng ako na lang?”

She looked at Mikha hesitantly, and so did Jhoanna. There wasn’t really a problem if it would be Mikha who would tour her around. But she was expecting Jhoanna, and not to be very choosy, she would feel a bit disappointed if it wouldn’t be her.

Aiah also saw the hesitance in Jhoanna’s eyes as if she wanted to refuse, as if she also wanted to tour her around, to do it herself, and actually, that was what Aiah wanted as well. She preferred it better if it would be Jhoanna, though the decision was still on her. 

Aiah didn’t know if she knew how to read people or the SC President was just easy to read but when Jhoanna looked at her searchingly, she smiled encouragingly, she smiled because she saw through her eyes, she smiled because she wanted her to say it out loud. Please, I want you.

“Ako kasi ‘yung…”

She heard it! 

However, her eyes slightly squinted and her brows slightly moved up with the way Jhoanna refused Mikha’s suggestion. It was impressively kind. It was subtle, it wasn’t even a refusal, it was like she was still ready to give the opportunity if Sir Faundo would agree, she even offered to join them. 

Jhoanna didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It was admirable .

Maybe this was the reason why she became the SC President? She had a character that always put others first. A good servant indeed. But maybe Aiah should have seen something was wrong with it already at the very start.

Watching Jhoanna talk as they walked and roamed around the school was entertaining. She could even listen to her all day and not get bored. Usually, if it were other people, she would tune out, her mind would fly to other things, but with Jhoanna, she was focused. 

Her speaking voice, the way she was articulately explaining everything with some history and background, no matter how boring and unnecessary they were, Aiah listened. 

Her small hand gestures, the way she would meet her eyes to check if she was still listening, Aiah nodded and showed interest—in her and in what she was saying.

The way she was so passionate about everything she was doing even with how boring it was to tour a transferee, but here Jhoanna was, doing it as if she was paid.

Aiah found herself drawn. 

“Ang peaceful naman dito. Can I go here whenever it's my free time?” Aiah asked as she roamed her eyes around the garden with a small fountain, huge trees that provided shadows for cool spots to rest, and smooth grasses.

“Oo naman. Pero madalas kasi maraming students na nakatambay rin dito kaya nawawala yung peacefulness.”

She frowned in disappointment. “Oh. I see.”

“Hahanapan kita ng place na tahimik. Sasabihan kita agad if may makita akong perfect peaceful place para sa'yo.”

Aiah looked at Jhoanna with a surprised face. “You don't need to do that.”

Jhoanna smiled at her and shook her head. “Alam ko pero I'm happy to help you sa kahit saan! Sabihin mo lang sa'kin. Call me and I’ll be there.”

“Parang superhero ha,” she joked, earning a laugh from Jhoanna. 

Jhoanna continued to tour her around, and she listened. She could feel something inside her the whole time as she stood side by side with Jhoanna—giddiness? Admiration? She didn’t know what it was, but she got her all smiling, and if her friends from Cebu would see her acting like this, she knew they would look at her weirdly.

“...See you around?”

“Definitely, Jhoanna.”

She waved her hand and watched Jhoanna walk away with a smile on her face. She would make sure this wouldn’t be the last they’d meet. She'd like to be closer to Jhoanna, and she didn’t mean it like becoming her sister. No way I’d let you call me Ate Aiah.

There was something about Jhoanna that made her feel at peace and comfortable even though they just met. She was like her mint candy that calmed her down in a n overwhelming situation. She was like a short cessation in the busy world. She was someone who brought light into people's lives without even trying. 

She didn't know if it was possible, this was just the first day, and they had only been talking for a few minutes, but Jhoanna got her locked in. She'd like to know more about her. 

Aiah looked up at the bright sky—it was clear, blue, and the sun was high. But for some reason, when she looked back down at Jhoanna’s back, she felt more energized, it was brighter there, it was what made her day today. 

She smiled. She wouldn’t forget this day.

---

Aiah was the decisive type of person. 

When she wanted something, she would do everything to get it. There was no such thing as too big an obstacle to her. She would do everything to achieve her goal through clarity and actions. She wasn’t the type to hesitate. She knew what she wanted, and she always trusted her decisions to guide her forward. 

When she was younger when she had no money other than the allowance her parents gave her, she fell in love with Taylor Swift. She badly wanted to buy her album, hence, every week, she would carefully budget her allowance. Even if it means skipping treats with friends, or sometimes suppressing her cravings, she was ready to sacrifice such things for what she thought she needed.

As someone who was used to instant gratification, being able to delay them was already a huge sacrifice, dedication, and patience for something she really wanted. 

However, she realized just recently, like a week ago, that this character had its limitations. For example, staring too long at her phone on an empty message box, thinking if she should message Jhoanna or not. 

She had been thinking of that since the moment she came home from her first day as a transferred student. Jhoanna had never left her mind, even the next day, or the day after, or the day after that, and until now. It had been a whole week and in times of silence would that thought come in. 

“Kailangan natin ma-contact si Mrs. Santiago para sa research natin. Naka-leave daw so pa’no natin makakausap?”

“Kay Pres Jhoanna patulong tayo. Tara!”

Maybe one reason why Aiah couldn't forget about her was that she kept on hearing Jhoanna’s name anywhere she went. Even now that she was in the cafeteria while doing her activity, students still kept on talking about her, and most of them were about asking for help.

Aiah wondered if Jhoanna ever got tired, or if she ever had time for herself because even her name couldn’t get rest from other people’s mouths. She indeed was like a superhero everybody would call when they needed help. 

She was hoping she could see a glimpse of her every day, she even walked around the campus hoping to see her, but she didn’t know where to find her. Should she pretend to need some help as an excuse to see her? No. That’s so not me.

Maybe the heavens knew her inner struggles, so when she lifted her head up to stretch her neck, she saw a familiar figure. Her eyes squinted, unsure if that was Jhoanna, but when she turned to her side, her eyes widened. She waved and called her. Oh my god, it’s her!

She immediately cleaned her table, didn’t care if her activity that should be passed today was half-done, Jhoanna was in front of her and the heavens knew how much she had been waiting for this opportunity. 

Jhoanna shyly went to her. She was clutching the tray in her hands and couldn't meet her eyes. Aiah found her cute, but at the same time she was confused, wasn't she usually confident?

While she talked to Jhoanna, she gave all of her attention to her. She couldn’t hear anything or refused to listen to anyone other than her. If she were ever bewitched, she wouldn’t complain, but she was sure Jhoanna didn’t even need to do anything and she would still find her attractive at some point in time. 

Aiah believed that the saying ‘If something’s meant for you, it will be for you’ also applied to people. She felt the spark and that they would click, and as she talked with Jhoanna, she was developing something more. Something that was pushing her to be bold. 

“Are you always there ba?” she asked when Jhoanna offered the SC Office. 

Aiah was taught not to let any opportunity slip. Would she wait for it to happen when she could make it happen?

“Ikaw ha. Lagi mo ‘kong hinahanap. Crush mo ba ‘ko?”

Aiah laughed. Was she developing a crush on her? She wasn’t the type to fool herself—of course, yes. Would she tell it to her? Of course, not, but she would give hints.

Jhoanna had this unique charm that drew people closer to her naturally. She was effortlessly pretty, and more than being the dependable SC President everybody knew her as, which also made her admirable in the eyes of many students, she was also unintentionally attractive.

Unfortunately, Jhoanna wasn't so aware. 

When she pointed at the rice grain on the side of her lips, and when she used her tongue to eat it again, her eyes focused on her lips. Aiah’s breath caught and her heart skipped a beat. She looked away immediately. 

Wasn't this… too early for a simple crush?

"Okay ka lang? Mainit ba rito? Kaya hindi 'to madalas tambayan ng students kasi hindi naman air-conditioned 'tong cafeteria. Gusto mo ba lumipat sa office?”

Aiah’s redness deepened. She was even more embarrassed now that Jhoanna noticed. She fanned herself, hoping the faint air would be enough to shoo the thought away. 

It was all new to Aiah—the feeling of yearning for someone’s presence other than her busy parents. She always wanted to be close to Jhoanna, and as someone who wasn’t that clingy, she weirdly had the urge to hold, see, and be with her. Though for now, she suited herself by hooking her arm on hers as she asked her to accompany her to th because she somehow still felt that Jhoanna was a bit shy around her. 

That night, Jhoanna remained in her thoughts—the smile, the laugh, her voice, her eyes, her warmth. My god, Jhoanna. What are you doing to me?

---

Aiah yielded, she needed to do something. Thinking about Jhoanna the whole night, she just naturally took her phone the next morning and messaged Jhoanna a short, ‘Hi! Good morning! :)’ . It would be a lie if she’d say she wasn’t expecting a reply, she was, but she would understand if Jhoanna wouldn’t because that girl seemed to be busier than the President of the Philippines.

However, she hadn’t even exited her conversation with Jhoanna when a bubble popped up which made her jump. Her eyes widened and a suppressed squeal came out of her mouth upon seeing Jhoanna’s reply. 

Hi, Aiah! Good morning! Kumain ka na?

“Oh my god. Oh my god. What will I say?” she panicked, biting the end of her thumb as she tried her best to stop herself from smiling. Ano ba naman ‘to si Jhoanna, pa-fall.

Aiah thought of a reply, but she hesitated. She knew she wouldn’t be able to ask this if she was in front of Jhoanna. But anyway, she wasn’t so she pushed through. 

I just woke up, so not yet. How about you? If not yet, do you want to eat together? My treat!

Her stomach twisted in anxiety of waiting for a reply. She stared at her phone, never exiting the message. It took some time for Jhoanna to reply, and she immediately checked it as soon as the bubble showed up.

Hala! Kumain na ‘ko. Nasa school na ‘ko hahaha

Aiah was a bit disappointed by that, pouting shortly as she typed her It’s okay hehe reply, but another message popped up. 

Pwede ako sa lunch! Punta ka lang dito sa SC Office. Welcome ka rito.

With that, her smile once again showed up on her face. Even though her class would start in the afternoon, she prepared early and decided to go to the school before lunch. She made sure to keep in touch with Jhoanna, not wanting to end the conversation, even asking about the mundane things to ask that she feared Jhoanna would find boring. 

“Kuya, pwede po daan muna tayo sa fave resto ko po? I’ll buy lunch lang po.”

“Sige po, Ma’am. Mukhang happy po kayo ngayon ah. Tuwing masaya lang po kayo dumadaan d’yan ah.”

“Hindi naman po. It’s such a good day lang po,” she replied with a huge smile as she typed on her phone, replying to Jhoanna’s question of ‘Ano oras pasok mo?’ .

Thankfully for her, Jhoanna wasn’t that difficult to have a conversation with. She was actually very easy to talk with, and she would ask questions as well instead of letting Aiah ask questions always. She was showing the same interest, and Aiah didn’t know if she was just doing it because she was naturally kind or Jhoanna was also interested in her in some ways probably not the same as hers.

Either way, Aiah would take anything to be close to Jhoanna.

Aiah was nervous. She didn’t even know why, but she was. Clutching the paper bag of hot food from her favorite restaurant in her hand, and her bag on her shoulder, she stood in front of the Student Council’s door, suddenly forgetting how to knock. She didn’t know how long she had been standing there, but her heels were already hurting from standing unmoving there.

“Why am I suddenly cowering?” she asked herself with a frown, moving closer to the door and was about to knock on the door but then it suddenly flew open. 

Her eyes widened in surprise, coming eye to eye with Jhoanna, who was also surprised to find her there. 

“Nandito ka na pala, Aiah. Hahanapin na talaga kita kasi akala ko naligaw ka, sabi mo nasa school ka na tapos fifteen minutes na wala ka pa rin dito. Pasok ka.”

Jhoanna held her arm and pulled her in softly, closing the door behind her. Aiah immediately felt the coldness of the room from the aircon and the smell of cleaning products. Other than the chair behind the head of the table, all of the chairs were arranged and tucked under the table. The other SC Officers probably hadn’t been there yet. 

“Are you sure pwede ako here? Parang nakakahiya if I stay here.”

Jhoanna shook her head, pulled the chair beside her seat and beckoned her to sit there. “‘Wag mong isipin ‘yon. Magugustuhan ka rin ng ibang girls, sigurado ako d’yan. Maya-maya pupunta sila rito.”

Aiah nodded her head and presented the lunch she brought for them. She was aware that something was about to bloom. A love like a plant slowly spurting in a healthy soil with the sun, Jhoanna, providing light and energy, and with constant watering from Aiah, it would bloom beautifully.

Since then, Aiah would always go to the SC Office, sometimes just watching Jhoanna and her simple actions. There was just really something about her that always drew her like a magnetic force. She was so interesting that even when they were chatting after school, she couldn’t get enough of Jhoanna. 

Aiah was drawn to her, she wanted more, and honestly, she believed she was just where she needed to be.

+++

What Aiah didn't probably see was how this blooming flower had its own thorns that prick. Admiring Jhoanna came with a pain that always struck her whenever she tried to get near her. Whenever she tried to take a step forward, do something with her growing feelings toward this clueless president, the spikes of this flower grow defensively longer, making her step back. 

Aiah was stuck carefully moving around Jhoanna, like testing the water. She’d feel enraptured if Jhoanna wouldn’t shy away from her touch one moment, but it would die down whenever she would pull away, especially once their friends would arrive. It was like she was arguing with herself in her own mind, and her actions were also making Aiah confused.

Lunch times were the best. It had become Aiah’s favorite part of the day. She got to eat lunch with the other council members that she had become friends with as well. But it would be a lie if that was all the reason why she loved lunch time. 

What she loved the most was the time she got to spend with Jhoanna alone in the SC Office, not just during lunch times, but also the times spent there alone. The moment she could feed her whenever she was so busy with whatever she was doing, or when she would let her hold her hand, or sometimes, if she was very lucky that day, a sweet, long hug would feel like a sweet luxury she had to cherish.

Aiah felt sorry sometimes for wishing that the other SC members would go eat outside and leave the busy Jhoanna alone so she could grab her chance to spend some time with her.

She would also ask her in the morning if she had prepared lunch, so she could buy something for both of them if she had forgotten. 

Jhoanna had the tendency of thinking of other people but completely disregarded herself. A supposedly good trait that Aiah hated.

The thought always makes me want to take care of her.

Jhoanna had agreed on having dinner plans with her. At least that was what they had talked about last night when they were talking over chats. Aiah asked if they could have dinner today, and Jhoanna agreed immediately, replying in under a minute. 

She was so excited, reserving a table at her favorite restaurant and wanting to show her the place where she’s buying the food for their lunch most days. But on top of that, she was just very excited to be with her without being surrounded by their friends. 

However, Aiah should have known. This was Jhoanna, and of course, when Mikha asked where they’d go, she answered truthfully, and when she added she wanted to go too, Jhoanna stilled for a while, looking at her as if asking if it was okay.

It wasn’t okay, if Aiah were to be honest. It was supposed to be a date with Jhoanna. Well, there wasn’t a clear declaration that they were going on a date, but dates could also go by without saying, right? Just like a relationship na walang label lang .

She saw Mikha whisper something to Jhoanna, and she pouted as if persuading her to let her come with them. Once again, Jhoanna met Aiah’s eyes, as if asking. 

Aiah was sure she slightly shook her head, she just wasn't sure if Jhoanna didn't see it or purposely chose to ignore it as she nodded at Mikha, slightly looking defeated. 

She has such a messy head. 

She would never understand why she’d choose to ignore her wants for someone else’s. There were a lot of instances, if not every day, that Jhoanna would consider others’ feelings… and all that her friends could do was watch.

She could also only watch, but in her head she wished… no, she wanted to do something, maybe knock some senses in her head? Or make her feel her feelings mattered too? But how? 

“Dito ka na, Mikhs! Sa tabi ni Aiah. Ako na dito sa harap.”

Aiah wished, no, wanted Jhoanna beside her. She watched as Jhoanna sat across from her while Mikha took the seat beside her. Aiah looked at her with a slight frown, which Jhoanna certainly noticed but chose not to comment on. 

Confusing. Jhoanna was confusing her.

One moment she felt like Jhoanna might like her too, then one moment it was crushed down because she was being pushed away. 

She should remind herself again that this was Jhoanna, a selfless woman who was ready to give up her own feelings for the sake of other people. Aiah would indeed feel like she was being given away, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t what she wanted. 

Seeing Jhoanna only focusing on her food while Mikha initiated the conversation with her and obviously letting her make her move… Aiah was disappointed. This should have been a different scenario if Jhoanna chose to refuse.

“Guys, mauuna na ‘ko ha.” 

Aiah looked up at Jhoanna when she stood up after eating so quickly. There was a smile on her face, so wide that it looked superficial in Aiah’s eyes. Jhoanna had been doing this before and she'd become good at it.

“Huh? What do you mean?” she asked, forehead creased. Aiah was not done eating yet, the food had just arrived twenty minutes ago, and they were still warm.

“May kailangan pala akong asikasuhin. Don't worry nagpasundo na ‘ko sa pinsan ko. Enjoy kayo d'yan. Mikhs, si Aiah ha.”

“Huh? Why would you suddenly-” Mikha was confused but realized Jhoanna was doing that so she could have her chance to turn this night from a friendly dinner to their date.

Aiah knew. She was aware. She hated this.

“Jhoanna,” Aiah called, her voice lower and serious before she could even move far from the table. Jhoanna looked at her with a bright face. She loved them usually, but right now, she knew they weren’t true. “Don't go.”

“Huh? Nand’yan naman si Mikhs. Kaya niyo na ‘yang dalawa.”

This is supposed to be about you and me.

Jhoanna ended up leaving them. There was a faint squeeze in her heart, usually it would go away with a sigh, but this time, as she watched Jhoanna’s retreating back, she felt like she was being neglected.

However, it was okay. For now, at least. Aiah would be patient with her. Jhoanna had to know herself first. How would she give value to other people if she wouldn’t see her own worth?

Even if it means waiting and hurting secretly at the side, she would try her best to understand and be there for Jhoanna. Her feelings could always wait.

+++

“Ang selfless mo rin, Aiah.”

Aiah looked at Colet, brows twitched from what she'd heard. “Huh? Ako?”

Colet nodded as she peeled the banana in her hand. “Oo. Ang hirap magmahal ng taong tinutulak ka palayo. Nakakapagod masaktan.”

“That’s true. But… I don't know. I think… I just like her so much. Also, reciprocating my feelings isn't really what I want right now. I want something more than that first… Though I wouldn't deny that it hurts being pushed away.”

She wanted to make it a goal that Jhoanna could choose herself first before her. 

Colet didn't probe, she just hummed and bit on her banana. They were both thinking of the same person, the only difference was one had gone through this person’s phase already, and one was currently experiencing it.

“‘Wag mong sukuan ‘yun, Aiah,” Colet said after a while of silence.

Aiah looked at her. Colet had a smile on her face that looked like she was reminiscing. It made her brows furrowed for a while.

“‘Wag mo ‘kong gayahin. Ginawa niya rin sa'kin ‘yan. Bwisit ‘yun eh. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ginawa n’on sa’kin.”

“Wait. You two had a thing?” Aiah asked in surprise, her brow raising and her eyes squinting quickly at Colet, small actions that made her appear intimidating instead of her usual kind face. 

Colet was slightly intimidated with the way she looked, scratching her forehead in fear. “Dati ‘yon kasi. Ano ka ba, dai. Selosa naman nito. Wala na ‘kong feelings d’yan. Dalawang taon na kami ni Maloi.”

Obviously on Colet’s face, she had already moved on. The past was just nothing but a funny and full of learning memory that she could go back to once in a while. 

“So, what happened?” 

Colet snorted, then pointed at her with the banana. “‘Yan. Kung anong ginagawa mismo sa'yo ng bruha. Iyang iyan.”

“You were pushed to Maloi?” Colet nodded casually and bit on her banana. “And did you choose Maloi because-”

“Hoy! Hindi ah. Ano ‘yang iniisip mo? Dahil sa kakatulak ni Jhoanna sa’min, kaka-set up ng date namin, na akala ko lagi para sa’kin at kay Jhoanna kaya ako sumasama, na-develop na ‘ko kay Maloi. Mabuti nga’t hindi niya ginagawa sa’yo yon.”

“What do you mean hindi? She just left me and Mikha alone when we were supposed to be eating together. Grabe ba.” Aiah said with a frown, remembering that night Jhoanna left her with Mikha. 

“Masyado siyang selfless. Parang tanga.” Colet grimaced. 

She both liked and disliked Jhoanna’s selflessness. She liked her because of that, she also disliked her because of that. The pain she felt of being pushed away was too much for her pride.

She couldn’t say the same for Aiah, but chances were high she would experience the same.

“No. If Jhoanna thought she could do the same to me, then I’ll prove her not. And you’re wrong, Colet.”

“Ha?” Colet asked in shock and confusion as she looked at Aiah, who was looking at her with a serious face.

“I’m not selfless. I am selfish. When it comes to Jhoanna, I will be selfish.”

+++

In Aiah’s eyes, Jhoanna was the brightest sun. An underappreciated star that people often overlooked. They only admire those stars shining at night because they were beautiful and sparkling, but they were too many and too distant. 

They were completely missing the star that provided light, the star that was actually helpful with its comforting presence and gentle warmth. Since it was constant and never faltered, people rarely appreciated it. But for someone like Aiah who always looked up and thanked the sun whenever the day was good, Jhoanna would not go unnoticed. 

Her growing feelings for Jhoanna were so strong she didn't even know if it was okay to feel this certain jealousy toward her best friend, who had been with her probably years before her. 

Seeing them hugging as soon as she arrived at the mall with Mikha put some stir in her stomach. A sense of jealousy, a bit of envy, even threat, toward Stacey for being able to get Jhoanna’s clingy side. Why wasn't she like that with me?

“Tss.” 

She looked at Mikha, seeing her roll her eyes at the same sight before looking away. Aiah could only shake her head, Mikha could be ignorant of her own feelings at times. Maybe she could give her a piece of advice on how to be aware of her feelings, or who she should choose.

But that would be for another day. She had another person to deal with. 

Stacey. 

Stacey would look at their way, Aiah didn’t know if it was to piss Mikha off, or piss her off, but it was probably working both ways. She never left Jhoanna’s side, their intertwined hands swinging as if letting everyone, her , know that they were a couple, which actually irked Aiah inside.

There was an urge to do something, and of course, Aiah would. She could handle being pushed away, but physically seeing Jhoanna being taken away from her? No. She wouldn’t stay there and watch. 

Sa harap ko pa talaga.

Their friends were also even teasing them, which added to the irritation that she was already feeling. So, there was really a possibility of being more than best friends between them?

“Jho, baby, dito tayo. Bilis!” Stacey urged, pulling Jhoanna to sit beside each other as soon as they found a table. 

Jho…Baby!?

Aiah was at the back with Mikha, but she craned her neck and pushed through Colet and Maloi, forcefully separating their intertwined hands, to sit on the vacant chair next to Jhoanna, even almost falling off her seat if not held by her elbow. 

“May hinahabol ka ba? Nagmamadali ka,” Jhoanna worriedly asked. 

Aiah frowned. “Yeah. I need to catch up. I think I was late.”

Jhoanna was confused, but of course, Aiah wouldn’t tell her. However, it seemed that their flirting was extra today, which made her realize that she was just new, and she didn’t know much about the dynamics of these two. Were they always like this?

Aiah felt like she was suddenly in a competition, and for some reason, Stacey was competitive. As their hands bumped each other on Jhoanna’s back, their eyes met, and it got Aiah thinking if this girl also secretly liked Jhoanna or she was just naturally competitive. 

Even so, she wouldn’t let her win. 

Not when it came to Jhoanna. The others also felt the tension, and probably Jhoanna, too. But she should know, or they should know, especially Stacey, that Aiah meant something in this action.

When they finished eating, she didn’t let go of Jhoanna anymore. She held her waist, even though she tried to take it off. 

Maybe she was indeed selfish, she only wanted Jhoanna for herself, she didn’t want Stacey, or any other people, stealing Jhoanna Robles from her. 

No, Aiah wasn’t really that competitive. She would usually let people win, giving up without even trying. However, she had this ridiculous thought that if Stacey was holding her on her other hand, she would hold her tighter. If she would kiss her on her cheek, she would kiss her on her lips.

It was silly, but she would do everything to claim what's hers.

And with that thought, she did not let go, ending with Jhoanna having both her arms stretched pulled by her and Stacey.

“A-Aiah…” 

“Saan kayo pupunta? Pwede sumama?”

“Bawal. Humiwalay rin kayo ni Mikha kung gusto niyo,” Stacey replied instead, pulling Jhoanna harder to her side.

As much as she didn’t want to hurt Jhoanna, she still didn’t let go. She really thought she would get close to Stacey or they could at least have something in common. But even if they had all things in common, if they would fight over who gets to have Jhoanna’s heart, Aiah wouldn’t back down.

But what else could she do if it was Jhoanna herself who pulled away?

"Maglalaro lang kami sa claw machine, Aiah. May gusto kasi ako r'on na stuffed toy. Babalik din kami agad, guys! Chat n'yo na lang kung nasa'n kayo.”

She let go of her hand and watched them walk away with a slight pout on her face. Her eyes caught Colet’s face, then she shrugged, as if telling her that it wasn’t new and it was one of her tactics on pushing her away. 

Aiah sighed. Really, Jhoanna…

“Ate Aiah, do you want to get stuffed toys too?” Mikha asked while they were meandering around the mall, both minds seemingly flying to wherever this certain claw machine was.

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“I’ll get you one, then.”

Aiah didn’t say anything. She knew too well that they were going there not because of her but because Mikha wanted to see Stacey, probably the same way as she wanted to see Jhoanna. 

Unfortunately, those two fought, and Stacey seemingly had some issues to solve, an attitude issue, Aiah thought, considering how she was treating her when she wasn’t doing anything. But the silver lining of that situation was that she had time with Jhoanna alone.

Aiah would never let such an opportunity pass. Mikha was gone, Stacey was gone, their friends were gone, Jhoanna had no reasons to push her away and no excuses to escape from her. “Which one do you like nga here? This yellow chick? Let me try to get it for you.”

Whatever Jhoanna wanted, she’d get it for her. She’d give everything if that meant Jhoanna would look her way and actually consider her, and liked being treated this way, and opened her eyes and realized that she deserved to be treated this way too. Once she did, Aiah would not hold back. 

She got the yellow chick and happily, even jumping slightly, showed it to Jhoanna, who was looking at her still with some unreadable expressions which made her slowly stop and look at her as well. 

“Jhoanna?” 

Jhoanna blinked, seemingly realizing that she had been staring at her face for too long. She looked away after a while, her face was a bit red as she cleared her throat. What happened to her?

“Are you feeling okay? May need ka ba?” she asked as she stepped closer to her but Jhoanna stepped back lightly, shaking her head. 

“Huh? Wala. Okay lang ako.” 

“Are you sure?” she asked worriedly, and when she nodded, she just sighed. “Here’s your chick oh. Grabe ang hirap kunin, ingatan mo ‘yan.”

Jhoanna accepted the stuffed toy with a small appreciative smile. “Teka, Ikaw? Anong gusto mo rito? Try nating kunin.”

“Hmm..” she replied, glancing at the stuffed toys inside the claw machine. Jhoanna walked to one claw machine in front of her, waiting for her answer.

“It's not there eh. It's here.” Aiah pointed at her, purposely. Jhoanna’s eyes looked at her finger, then to where it was pointed, which was her. But really, it wasn’t even surprising when Jhoanna stepped aside and looked at the claw machine behind her. 

“Oh, dito? Alin? Itong dog ba?” Jhoanna walked to the claw machine, and honestly, Aiah didn’t know if she was just genuinely clueless and dumb, or she was purposely ignoring that. Either way, it was making her so, so frustrated.

How obvious should I act more?

Nonetheless, she just shook her head and walked closer to her. “I have a question, Jho.”

Jhoanna looked at her with a curious gaze, and slightly conscious. “Ang seryoso mo naman. Ano ba ‘yon?”

“Do you like Stacey? Is there something going on between the two of you?” she straightforwardly asked. She had to make sure, for the peace of her mind.

“Huh? Wala ‘no! Best friend ko lang ‘yun.”

With that, she sighed in relief. “Good to hear. I was threatened for a while there.”

“Bakit naman?”

Aiah looked at her eyes for a while, then later on shrugged. “Maybe I wanted to be the one to get this chick for you kasi? Or maybe it means more than that. It's up to you, Jhoanna.”

“Why? I mean, bakit mo ginagawa ‘to for me? Bakit… sa’kin?”

“Aside from that you deserve to be treated like this, too . It is because I saw you, I want to be that someone who is there for you.”

Aiah didn't want to scare Jhoanna away. She wasn't planning on confessing. She felt like she would scare Jhoanna off and she would run away, so she was still careful. It was probably too early as well. There was a right timing for this, when she knew, when she was sure that Jhoanna would see herself too.

Jhoanna was just standing there, staring at her, obviously speechless and didn’t know what to say as Aiah said those words. Aiah knew she was still doubting her worth, it was obvious in the way her forehead slightly creased. But.. her face was red and she was trying her best to suppress the smile that was threatening to spread across her face.

“When you’re ready, I’ll be ready to give you much more than that yellow chick. Even more than what the eyes can see, Jhoanna.”

Aiah would not confess, but she would drop hints. Some probably obvious ones because the smart Jhoanna could be dumb at times too.

“Shall we go and continue this date?” she asked softly, stretching her hand for Jhoanna to take. 

Jhoanna finally let the smile spread across her face as she took Aiah’s hand and clasped them together.

Aiah thought everything was okay, and Jhoanna was probably opening up her heart. She was probably seeing her worth as well, and that she liked being treated this way. 

However, Jhoanna had such a messy mind.

---

It was cloudy. Aiah’s bag felt heavy though there weren't really many things in there, probably it was just her overall mood. For some reason, she also didn't want to go to the university, and she was clutching her phone tightly in her hand, frequently checking on it hoping there was a message from that certain busy girl who had been clouding her mind.

It was, of course, Jhoanna.

After that lunch with friends that became their date, the next day, she was back at pushing her to Mikha. It even became more intense than before, like every chance she got, even if they were alone, she would insert Mikha. 

It was annoying. It was off-putting.

But what was more repugnant was when she started vanishing the following week. Aiah could barely see her, her replies were slow and short, and whenever she would go to the SC Office, she wasn’t there. 

It almost felt like she was in a relationship and she was watching her partner slowly lose interest in her. It was ridiculous considering nothing was really going on between them.

When she thought that they were moving forward and Jhoanna was actually slowly opening her heart, she realized that she was just probably assuming things. It was still confusing, but she could understand. 

It was the fourth day of the week that she didn’t see Jhoanna. She also gave up on looking. Anyway, she wouldn’t see someone who didn’t want to be seen.

On the second day, she gave up coming with them for lunch. She could feel the void that only Jhoanna could fill, and how quiet the table was without Jhoanna’s presence. Mikha would talk to her, but she would only usually smile so as not to look rude. She wanted Jhoanna.

Currently, she was in the classroom, choosing to refuse Mikha’s invitation for lunch again as she made herself busy with designing. She missed Jhoanna, and another ridiculous and desperate thought came in her mind like accepting the matchmaking with Mikha if it meant seeing her. 

She looked at her phone yet again, she knew there wouldn’t be a message from Jhoanna, but she still couldn’t help but hope. Imagine how loud her heart beat when Jhoanna’s name suddenly popped up asking her if she had lunch already and even asking her to come to the cafeteria.

From: Jho💙

Hi, Aiah! Busy ka raw? Nag-lunch ka na ba? Dito kami sa cafeteria.

She didn’t hesitate to close her tablet and packed her things. She knew she told Mikha she was busy, but this was Jhoanna. Lunch with her was everything. But, of course, this wouldn’t be Jhoanna if she wouldn’t push her to Mikha. 

“Ako na lang ibili mo, Mikhs. Samahan mo si Aiah.”

As Mikha’s face lit up, Aiah’s smile vanished. The excitement that she felt earlier slowly died down as she stared at Jhoanna Of course. Like always. She kept on pushing me away. Until when, Jhoanna?

It never left Aiah’s mind, and she was tired. She didn’t know if she could wait any longer for Jhoanna to realize her worth because she had to do something about her feelings, too. 

She badly wanted to make things clear with Jhoanna, that she liked her and not Mikha, that she should stop pushing her because it hurt her, and that she liked her more than a friend.

That afternoon in the cold room of the SC Office, she was snuggled on Jhoanna, her hands around her waist, Jhoanna also engulfed her into a tight and comforting hug, she just wanted to be there. It was peaceful, calming, natural, and mutual. 

She liked the place where she was right now, most especially the feeling. It felt like Jhoanna was claiming her with how tight she was hugging her, almost felt like she wasn’t pushing her away to someone else, like telling everybody she was only for her. 

Aiah loved the idea. She just wanted to stay there. Can’t we be like this?

“Jhoanna,” she called softly, almost a whisper. 

“Hmm?” Jhoanna replied, rubbing her back soothingly. 

Aiah closed her eyes, thinking of how to voice out the thoughts in her mind in a way that she did not need to confess. She feared that if she did, this comfortable feeling would be gone. She felt Jhoanna moved slightly, checking on her because it had been a few minutes and she was still not talking.

“Uncomfortable-”

“Don’t push me away.” Her hug around Jhoanna’s waist tightened, sinking deeper in the hug. She couldn’t think of any other way to express her desire to be with her than others. 

“H-huh?”

“Ipagdamot mo ‘ko, Jho.”

It was all that she could say. Aiah wasn’t asking for anything complicated, she just wanted something simple—to be chosen, to be seen, to be kept and not given away. 

As she listened to how Jhoanna’s heart beat loudly mirroring hers, she wished for a change.

—

“... Ang gusto ko lang ay mayakap mo.”

A change. 

Aiah didn’t know if it was because Jhoanna was just sick and she didn’t know what she was doing or she had just fallen deeply in love with her that even a casual line that might be a joke made her freeze and blushing, but there was a change.

She realized her heart wasn’t ready for a vocal Jhoanna, but she loved it. She wanted more of it.

“Come here, then.”

She wasn’t wishing for Jhoanna to always be sick so she could be this clingy and possessive, but she would like to have this moment be extended. Jhoanna was clinging to her, her warm body flushed on her skin, she felt so close, so soft, and so intimate.

Aiah usually had some self-control. She was smart, she wasn’t the type to take advantage of someone’s vulnerable state, but… as her thumb softly caressed Jhoanna’s thin and soft lips her heart was beating so loudly. Thoughts of kissing her flashed in her mind. 

No. Aiah, no. Stop yourself. She might not be ready yet.

“Ano iniisip mo?” Jhoanna asked as she looked up at her. Aiah wished she didn’t do that because it just became an apple to her eyes—tempting, inviting, risky.

“Dangerous things.”

Aiah wished Jhoanna wouldn’t probe more because by how she stared at her lips, she, for sure, had an idea what was in her mind. However, she did. She asked, and for some reason, their faces got closer. All the self-control left in her body vanished and she yielded. 

The kiss was delicate, a bit hesitant, slow, and all that Aiah could feel was Jhoanna’s warmth, her grip on her arm as if telling her not to move away, to stay there, to keep on kissing her. Her heart was pounding, and even after pulling away, she craved for more, but it might probably be too much for Jhoanna.

“I should go home. I can’t… I can’t stay longer.” It’s dangerous. So dangerous. 

Unfortunately, Jhoanna didn't let go. She just pulled Aiah closer, meeting her lips once more. She did not expect that, of course, but she caved in.

“Jhoanna...”

“‘Wag ka munang umuwi. Dito ka muna. Dito ka lang sa'kin.”

Aiah stared at Jhoanna’s hooded eyes. They were pleading, even expressive. It almost felt like she was… in love with her, too. 

“Sa’yo lang ako, Aiah.”

For Aiah, as she smiled and leaned in and meet Jhoanna’s lips again, it was more than just a kiss. It was a revelation, almost felt like a promise, like finally Jhoanna had made a decision not to give her away but keep her to herself.

Her words gave her something to hold onto—Jhoanna’s lips and the words that came out of them. She'd hold onto her tighter this time, knowing well that she might feel the same. She would forever hold onto the memory of this night. She didn't even care if she'd get the same flu as her.

But really, this was Jhoanna, Aiah should have known.

—

Aiah didn't know why she was expecting much from Jhoanna after that kiss, or what changes she wanted to happen, but she did expect more. Just like what everybody said, expectation leads to disappointment. 

When she went to school the next day, like always, she went to the SC Office to look for Jhoanna, but she wasn't there. She messaged her this morning, which she actually replied, but when she asked her if they could see each other, the message was only seen. 

She didn’t see her for a whole week, and Aiah could just sit alone, wondering what went wrong, confused, and frustrated. Mikha was also nowhere to be found, and she just found herself alone with her thoughts. 

She thought they were okay now, and that Jhoanna would actually start being more open and accept that something was going on between them now so she should stop pushing her to Mikha, and actually act on her feelings. But pushing her away after that kiss actually hurt twice more than before. Why am I even thinking that she would actually do something about her feelings? Or was she 

This was when Aiah realized that things would actually get much harder for her now. Each day that passed by without seeing Jhoanna, she was already starting to think if her feelings, if waiting for Jhoanna, was worth all the pain she was feeling and the overthinking at night. She was sure of her own feelings, but with Jhoanna’s actions, she was hesitating.

She didn’t want to get hurt so much. More than what she was feeling now…

After a week of hide and seek, with the help of her other friends, she finally saw Jhoanna again, finding her in the library alone, nose buried in books, and seemingly busy. At one point, she felt bad for feeling irritated and disappointed when it turned out that she was just studying hard like this. 

With that feeling, she sat beside her, her hand immediately seeking for the warmth that she had missed for the past days. She was just happy to be beside her. 

However, the topic directed to the part that she knew would change Jhoanna’s mood. 

Mikha.

She saw how Jhoanna's yes changed and her smile faltered, though she still upheld that wide smile on her face, didn't want anyone to notice the facade. It was impressive. But for someone who was only looking at her, Aiah didn't miss. 

I only like you… Don’t think of other people for once, please. She said to her mind as she reached for Jhoanna’s back for assurance that she was only looking at her and no other else.

But, Jhoanna slightly flinched. It didn't miss her eyes. The way she sat properly as if she wanted to shake her hand away from her back, as if she didn’t want to be close to her, as if she was disgusted by the idea of them being together. 

Apparently, pain is inevitable when you love someone.

“...so darating din sila sa point na ‘yan, ‘di ba, Ate Aiah?”

Ate… Aiah.

Strike after strike. For someone who was hoping, assuming, expecting things to change for the better after that meaningful kiss, or at least for her, receiving this kind of treatment indeed hurt her in a deeper level that even the first heartbreak she got when she rejected by her only 

boy best friend in high school was nothing compared to this indirect rejection.

It was her. Always. She was always the one who rejected people, but this indirect action from Jhoanna was already a subtle rejection—a difficult pill to swallow.

“I don’t know. That’s not something for you to decide, Jhoanna.”

It hurt her. It rendered her speechless. She could only look at her with cold eyes, wanting her to know that she didn’t like what she said or how she was treating her right now, as if nothing had happened last week. 

Usually, Aiah found Jhoanna’s presence relaxing. She would find rest in her arms, and just by looking at her felt like it was a good day even if it was not. 

But right now, she just wanted to stay away from her. She just wanted to get out of there, she just wanted to be alone. 

Maybe she should rethink if pursuing Jhoanna was worth all the heartache. 

Is it all worth it?

She wanted Jhoanna, so much, but she wasn't that pushy. Maybe it was okay to give them both a rest, probably a time to think, a space to really think about if it was a step forward or backward because the confusion was hurting her.

As she walked away, Aiah knew she would still remain patient, hoping, and hurting, but… she didn't know until when.

I don't want to give up. Don't make me, Jhoanna. Please.

---

Aiah felt like she was going to be the best student in her department. She felt like she could teach everything about Graphic Design already and replace the professor who only attended classes once..

No. She wasn't overreacting. 

All she did the past few days was study. She knew if she wouldn’t do something, her mind would just be clouded with whatever she and Jhoanna had going on.

She had to step back and give Jhoanna time to think. After all, her first goal wasn’t to be loved back but to help Jhoanna realize her own worth, to be her best self.

If Jhoanna would not love her back and she wouldn’t still realize her worth, then maybe she wasn’t the right person for her, maybe someone would come and make her realize that for her. 

That thought hurt. She wanted it to be her.

“Mikha.”

Aiah sighed as she found Mikha, again, outside her building, waiting for her class to finish, and seeing her staring at her phone.

The girl jolted in surprise, immediately smiling at her and standing up. “Aiah! Hatid na kita!”

It was her line, like always, since two weeks ago and even with how much Aiah refused, she was insistent. Mikha was always there to keep her company, and she actually didn’t have the heart to push her away because apparently she knew the feeling, but she made sure they were just friends.

Even if it pained her, Aiah still wanted Jhoanna, still craved for her presence, still looked for her as soon as she stepped in the campus, and still hoped she would come back choosing herself.

It was always her even if she tried not to think of her too much. 

The last time she saw her was last week. She talked to Mikha in front of her building. She thought she was there for her, but she once again ran away. Of course, she was disappointed.

“I told you, you don't have to.”

“No, but let me.”

Aiah shook her head in defeat. That was always her answer, of course. But she knew deep inside her that she was doing this for distraction. 

The same as how Aiah was agreeing to her invitations to distract her mind from thinking of Jhoanna. 

“Muntik ka na magpunta ng maaga. Again,” she said playfully but they both knew what she meant. Mikha messaged her at four o’clock today when she told her that her classes would end at six. 

“Sorry. I've checked the wrong schedule…” Mikha cleared her throat and looked away, clearly guilty.

They both knew whose class ended at four.

“It’s confusing, right? You should sort it out.”

Mikha furrowed her brow as she looked at her again, but Aiah just smiled at her. “You can like two people at the same time, yes, that’s a human thing.”

“What are you saying? I only like you, Aiah.”

Aiah understandingly shook her head. It almost felt like she was deciding for Mikha too, but there were things our own eyes couldn't see that somebody else’s could. 

For Mikha, Aiah could definitely see whatever attraction Mikha was feeling toward her was nothing compared to the feeling she already had for someone they both knew who. But still, she wanted her to realize that herself. 

Ang desisyon ko naman if I’ll tell her that as well.

Mikha was very likable, she wouldn’t deny that. She was ideal and she was a gentlewoman that would be enough to charm everyone. However, that wasn’t how love works, Aiah believed, even if the person possessed everything, if they weren’t for you, it would never work. 

Mikha might be perfect, but she wasn’t Jhoanna, her heart didn’t beat for her, she only wanted that person who kept her up at night. Even with how much headache she gives me.

Aiah just shrugged. “I like someone else. Or maybe I’m in love.”

Mikha stopped from walking as she looked at her. “Ano?”

“Yes. I think ang obvious ko nga eh.”

Mikha’s thick brows furrowed. “Do I know this person? You’re not obvious at all. I don’t find you gushing or anyone making a move around you.”

“I’m the one making the move kasi,” Aiah said with a little pout but snorted because she found it funny too. She was never that type of person. She was the one who was sought-after. 

Mikha stared at her, obviously not believing her. “You don’t have to lie to make me stop. You know I won’t buy that, Aiah.” 

“I’m telling the truth. I’m just waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“Confession… or rejection.”

“Sino ‘yan? Ang lakas naman ng loob niya to reject you, or even keep you waiting,” 

Hmm… Medyo true.  

“That’s not the point. I’m saying because I want you to know that you don’t have a-”

“That’s not enough to stop me. Whoever that person is doesn't see your worth, but I do. Let me show you how you should be treated.” Mikha sounded determined and confident, and Aiah usually liked this kind of attitude, however, she knew all of those were futile because Mikha was not Jhoanna. 

Jhoanna had to see her own worth first before she could see other people’s worth— my worth . 

Aiah could wait. She would wait. No matter how frustrating Jhoanna could be.

+++

Aiah loved receiving flowers. For her, it was a thoughtful and romantic gesture that she always appreciated. She remembered the first time she received one when she was ten years old. It was Valentine’s Day and she was envious of those people receiving one around her, but her brother came and gave her a rose. She remembered crying to her mom because she was so touched. 

Right now, she also felt like crying to her mom. Standing in front of her was Jhoanna, a stem of blue rose in her hand, and it was for her. If it was another situation, she would have jumped on her and kissed her right in front of everybody in happiness, but it was different.

“Is that my flower? Does it come from you this time?” 

Wishful thinking.

“Hindi. Kay Mikha pa rin ‘yan. Ba’t naman kita bibigyan eh hindi naman ako ang manliligaw mo? Oh, kunin mo na at nang makaalis na ‘ko.”

Of course, running away. That was all that she was doing. She never wanted to face the problem, no reflection, all running away, moving on, and the same thing would happen after a few years. 

Aiah wanted it to stop, even if it wasn’t her, at least the next time someone would come in her life, she would accept the love without settling for less because she’d think that was all the love she deserved. She didn’t want that for Jhoanna. 

She hoped someone could see her the same way as she did. But would she really let it happen that it wasn’t her? She had tried to move on, thoughts of Jhoanna being with another person felt like squeezing her heart dry, it was making her upset, and she couldn't bear that happening.

She wanted to make it clear to her. She wanted her to know now her true feelings. Maybe, just maybe, Jhoanna would accept.

“Do I have to spell it out for you, Jhoanna? I like-”

“Stop.” 

Aiah stared at her. That one word somehow hurt her. Stop? Stop what? Stop everything? Stop pursuing her? Stop waiting? Stop hoping she’d change? Can she stop pretending instead?

Still, she shook her head. “No, Jho. I'm done with this game. I'm missing you so much and I've never craved for someone's presence until you came. Let's talk about this, let's sort this out."

"Aiah, stop. Hindi pwede. Huwag."

Jhoanna must have liked it—shooting painful arrows on her heart one after another.

Aiah frustratedly sighed. "What do you mean 'huwag'!? What's stopping you? Is it Mikha? Hindi ko siya gusto, Jhoanna.”

Ikaw. Ikaw lang gusto ko. 

Jhoanna shook her head. Aiah knew what was coming. Another pain of being pushed away. Somehow it was tiring, but at the same time there were times that Aiah felt like the more Aiah pushed her away, the more she wanted her. 

Like who would even be more patient in her than me?

“You’re so selfless, Jhoanna. I hate it,” she honestly told her as she stared at her. 

She liked it before, she admired how Jhoanna always had space for others. She liked how she had time for everybody, but with little time and space she gave for herself, it was no longer right. 

Jhoanna was too selfless. It was too much. She was devaluing herself for other people and it was not right anymore. Aiah knew there was frustration in Jhoanna’s chest as well that she couldn’t express because she thought it wasn’t important.

Sumosobra na siya sa sarili niya. Her selflessness did not only hurt herself but those who love her.

As long as Jhoanna hadn't chosen herself, as long as she kept on putting her feelings aside, as long as she kept on pushing her away, she would never grow. 

She had to learn, but Aiah didn’t want to be a painful lesson, she wanted to be a gentle lesson, a reminder that it was okay to make herself priority at times, and that there was still someone who would choose her whether she chose others or herself.

My heart, my mind, my eyes are only focused on you, Jhoanna.

While Jhoanna chooses others, Aiah never has any other choice.

“So, it’s Jho…”

Aiah looked at Mikha, She was looking at where Jhoanna had run away after their heated conversation. Mikha had a mellow expression on her face, almost near to conflicting as if her mind was fighting. 

“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head as she looked at her again. “If you like Jhoan-”

“Love,” Aiah corrected. “I love her.”

“Stop it, then. You’re just hurting yourself. You cannot change Jhoanna, not even Ate Colet was successful. You’ll just give up at some point, so give up now before it hurts even more, Aiah. Sa’kin ka na lang.”

Aiah didn’t mean to snort, but she did. “If you’re willing to wait until Jhoanna has someone else, then that’s the only time I’ll be available.”

“Crazy. You’re crazy.”

+++

Three weeks in. Going to almost a whole month. Jhoanna was hiding.

It had been cloudy most of the days, sometimes it would even rain. The sky wasn’t blue anymore, it was mostly white—dull even. It had been a while since she’d seen the sun too long. It would peek but that was all about it. She missed it. She missed her.

Most of the days, Aiah didn't see a glimpse of Jhoanna. Only when there were school gatherings that she'd see a glimpse of her, but never be able to talk to her. 

She would try reaching out. She would message her once in a while, to remind her that even for how long, she was still there, patiently waiting for whatever decision she'd make for herself. 

Jhoanna was purposely avoiding her. She wasn't even discreet about that. They would meet each other’s eyes but then she would immediately look away and swerve. 

It was alright. Deep inside it wasn't. She was giving more time for Jhoanna’s very confused mind to sort things out between them. Aiah was still trying to be positive about the situation. Maybe Jhoanna was taking too much time to decide because she didn’t want to reject me. She likes me, I know. I believe…?

The whole time Jhoanna distanced herself, she was with Mikha. Mikha kept her company, and it was safe to say that they had become closer than before but not to the point that Aiah was giving her hope. 

Mikha was still with her most of the time, but Aiah didn’t know if she was still pursuing her because at some point, one day on what Mikha called a ‘date’ and what Aiah called as ‘hanging out’ suddenly turned into ‘Operation Opening Mikha’s Heart’s Eyes’.

Maybe they had been both busy—figuring things out for Mikha. 

“How are you and Stacey?”

Mikha sipped on her coffee and rolled her eyes at Aiah. “Stop it.”

“Bakit?” Aiah chuckled teasingly. Mikha tried to act like she didn’t care, but with how her ears would turn red, she knew the topic and the name had that certain effect on her. “Did you reach out yet?”

Mikha’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Why would I? I don’t care about her.”

“Sus! You don’t care about her but you still check her schedule. You still go to her building to see her, and what else, you often mistakenly call me by her name. Grabe ka na, Mekalem.”

“Imbento ka. Ewan ko sa’yo.”

Unfortunately, Mikha was good at pretending, but she always wouldn’t avoid the topic. She knew deep inside what Aiah was saying was true. She still yearned for her best friend, she still looked for the girl who’d been with her from the start. 

Aiah and Stacey were very different. Mikha loved taking care of Stacey, she loved protecting her, loved looking at her pouty face when she’d refuse at first but would smile widely when Mikha would give in with whatever silly requests she had, she loved every moment spent with Stacey. 

Mikha tried doing those things to Aiah. She tried taking care of her as much as she took care of Stacey, but Aiah was very different. She was independent. She didn’t need anyone to take care of her because she can handle herself. Still, Mikha admired her. 

“When are you going to reach out to her?”

“When are you going to reach out to Jho?” 

With that, Aiah’s teasing smile vanished and switched into a frown. “Mine’s different. I completely depend on Jhoanna’s decision, I love her more than she likes me. In your case, Stacey loves you and you also love her, I’m sure you know that, Mikhs. You just have to accept it.”

“How about my feelings for you? I also feel something for you, Aiah.”

“Choose, then,” she told her, putting her iced coffee on the table. “You know, I’ve heard about this one quote that says ‘When you choose someone, choose the one who makes you feel at peace, not the one who makes you question everything.”

Mikha was silent, processing Aiah’s words. “Have you, though? Found peace with Jhoanna?”

Aiah looked outside. It was a bit brighter today, after all, it was already noon and the sun was probably high, just hidden behind the thin sheet of clouds. “So much that I’m distressed when I’m not with her. How I wish Jhoanna could too.”

Mikha stared at Aiah's face, watching her sad eyes whenever they were talking about Jhoanna. For some reason, it was expected, as soon as she learned that she fell in love with Jhoanna, she knew this was going to happen. 

“I was wrong when I said before that the person you’re in love with doesn’t see your worth,” Mikha spoke after a while, making Aiah look back again at her. 

“Ha?”

“If it’s Jhoanna, she does. She sees your worth more than other people do, that's why she thinks you deserve someone better. She thinks of herself low.”

Yes, of course . Aiah was aware. That was why a selfless woman like Jhoanna deserves someone who would choose her and would remind her to choose herself.

She'd be there until she realized she's of value. She was worthy, and she was someone's dream too. She was her dream.

Jhoanna, be selfish, please.

+++

A whole month of Jhoanna ignoring her. Instead of getting used to it, Aiah’s yearning just kept on growing. She could only peek at where Jhoanna was—the clinic. 

“Jho, sabay ako ha.”

A frown formed on her face upon watching Stacey clung her arm on Jhoanna’s as they walked away.

Colet said they weren't that clingy before, so something had changed in how they were now. Maybe they had gone closer just as how I and Mikha did?

More reasons to feel jealous.

But she was holding onto the fact that Stacey liked Mikha and Jhoanna liked her… probably. She knew Jhoanna wasn’t the type of person to use other people to forget her feelings. No, she was too selfless to do that.

Sometimes, Aiah would purposely stay a bit late just to wait for her to come out of the clinic. It was the only time she’d see her after a whole day, it was still enough to make her day. 

Her mere back was even enough to make me smile… sadly.

Aiah felt like an obsessed girl crushing over the school’s top student, but in her heart, she was just in love. She just wanted Jhoanna to come back and talk to her. Somehow, she was blaming herself for that kiss. 

If they didn’t… would the situation change? Would Jhoanna not choose to stay away from her? Would she still try to fake nothing was going on between them even if there was while pushing her to Mikha? 

There were days Aiah would think it was better, at least she would get to be with Jhoanna still. However, she aimed for a change. She wanted her to realize that love wasn’t just about sacrificing oneself, it was also about receiving. Love means letting someone else carry her as well.

Aiah didn’t want to decide for her. She wanted Jhoanna to be confident in her decision. A decision that might heal her toxic selflessness and might make her realize that she was worth the sacrifice too, and that it was okay to focus on her feelings first before anyone else. 

She didn't know what else she could do. The best thing was wait and be patient. She had no problem waiting, especially for someone like Jhoanna. If she was for her, she’d come for her. 

The universe will make a way for us to talk again. I believe. If not, I will make a way.

--- 

It was Friday, and it was raining heavily. Her class was over, it was already six in the evening, and she had nothing else to do in the school so she could go home before it brought her more inconveniences.

However… I wonder if she has an umbrella…

Whenever it rains, the first thing that would usually come into her mind was if she had brought her umbrella, but now, the question that popped into her mind was if Jhoanna had an umbrella because she could easily get sick. 

Aiah knew she didn’t even have to contemplate whether to go home now or check on Jhoanna. She knew if she’d go home immediately, her mind wouldn’t just stop bothering her about Jhoanna. She just wanted to make sure she’d gone home safe. 

Gosh. Look at what you’re making me do, Jhoanna.

She went to Jhoanna’s building. She knew that her class had ended at five in the evening, and she just wanted to make sure that she wouldn't find a struggling, waiting, or soaking-from-the-rain Jhoanna in the school.

She was still a bit far from her building but she could already see her standing at the porch of the building, watching the rain, bag in front, and seemingly thinking of running. Aiah clicked her tongue, walking at a fast pace before Jhoanna could do something irresponsible. 

On her way there, her phone rang suddenly, Mikha’s name registered on it. She answered. 

“Mikhs,” she said, her eyes focused on Jhoanna. 

She hastened her pace, afraid that someone else might come to her to help her, or in fear that Jhoanna would risk her health again just to go home. Mikha was asking if she would fetch her because of the heavy rain, but she refused. 

She'd stay stuck in the school with her if Jhoanna would; she'd let herself be drenched in the rain with her if Jhoanna would.

Jhoanna deserved the kind of love that was sure. Aiah had never been so sure in her life than now. 

When it came to Jhoanna, there was no second guessing. 

Thankfully, before Jhoanna could even do something foolish, she managed to grab her hands, but the unexpected action caused them to collide with each other. 

Being this close again with Jhoanna reminded her heart about the effect she had on her. The sweet scent that always calmed her, her warmth that she missed, and the short distance between them. 

She always loved wrapping her arms around her waist, aside from feeling the closeness between them and how she lived Jhoanna’s warmth, it was an action that was enough for everyone to know this girl was hers even without verbally saying it.

“Ai… Aiah.”

Aiah felt like crying. Hearing Jhoanna calling her name again, having her in her arms again, and face close to each other, memories of that night flashed through her mind. Jhoanna had no idea how that more than a month felt like a year of yearning. She never wanted to let go again, afraid that Jhoanna might… completely let go.

But Jhoanna stood properly and stepped back, and it felt cold again, reminding her that it was raining hard and they should be at home by now.

Standing face to face with Jhoanna again without anyone around them made her feel like she wanted to seize the moment. She didn’t know when this would happen again. So, even when it was embarrassing and a bit too much, she tried her best to be as close to her as possible.

Arm wrapped on her shoulder, her arms wrapped around her waist, her warm breath on her neck, and her scent invading her system, the weather was cold and gloomy but her heart was warm and happy. 

She wasn’t really expecting much from their interaction, but when she felt Jhoanna’s hug tightened and she pulled her closer, she also pulled her heart, and something had shifted. For Aiah, this was the real Jhoanna. The Jhoanna who can show her true feelings when no one was around, and she loved to be the only one who witnessed and the receiving end of all of that.

That rainy evening, Aiah’s heart could soar in happiness. She wanted to say a lot of things, she wanted to tell Jhoanna all of the words that could make her change mind and actually act on her feelings this time, but she chose to be silent. She chose actions. Actions speak louder than words. 

She held Jhoanna’s hand, kissed it, took a picture of it, caressed it, intertwined it with her, squeezed it softly, and tattooed it in her mind, if she could also remember the feeling, she would. She hoped Jhoanna could also feel it, hoping it was enough to go back to her, and experience more of this kind of moment. 

But those thoughts came to an end when they reached her house. She didn't want to let go. She wanted to take her hand with her if she couldn't take Jhoanna herself. 

The past week of chaos in her head, only Jhoanna could make her calm. The answers were all in Jhoanna, and she just wanted her to be as close as always.

Yet, she didn't want to be too selfish. She didn’t want to decide for her. She didn’t want to tell her what to do, how to think, how to act, or anything. She wanted her to do all of those on her own. She wanted Jhoanna to love her because that was what her heart and mind was telling her.

Choosing yourself means choosing me.

“See you, Aiah.”

She watched as Jhoanna drove away. There was peace in her heart and calm in her mind as they parted. She once again saw through Jhoanna.

I will be your safe place. The person who will save you when you think you can save everybody.

+++

“It’s Sheena’s birthday tomorrow,” Mikha told her as she sat in front of her in the cafeteria. “Like the tradition, she's asking us to come.”

“Tradition? Then why will I be there? It's for you guys only.” 

“You have to be there, Aiah. Don't you miss Jhoanna?”

Aiah frowned. “Hindi ba obvious? Halos i-stalk ko na nga siya araw-araw. Sobrang ganda.”

Mikha snorted. “Bakit parang pagod ka na? Pagod ka na ba? Sabi sa'yo eh. You deserve more than this. Hindi magbabago ‘yung bruha na ‘yon.”

“No. As if my feelings are that deep to falter that easily within a month. I somehow have faith in Jhoanna.”

Mikha scoffed and shook her head. “If everything just didn’t make sense to me now, I would think you’re getting overconfident with Jhoanna’s feelings for you that you’re just… assuming that she has feelings for you. Wait, now that I’ve thought of it, how are you so sure that Jhoanna likes you too?”

Aiah wanted to answer ‘ We kissed ’ but changed her mind and just shrugged. It was a memory for her to behold and not share. “I just know.”

“Okay. Anyway, kailangan nando’n ka. It’s your chance to talk to Jho because…”

Her brow raised at her as she looked “Because what?”

“You’ve succeeded. I’ve made my choice.”

With that, Aiah looked at her excitedly, but then it immediately died down. “Don't tell me ako pa rin ‘yan?”

Mikha snorted, rolling her eyes. “No. Apparently, I saw… tsk. I saw those two, Jhoanna and Stacey, and… Jho’s doing the things I was doing for Stacey, and I saw her kiss her cheek, and I mean, that should be me, so I felt…”

“Extremely jealous.” Aiah also had a bitter look on her face. “And you don't feel that amount of jealousy with friends.”

“Right.” Mikha weakly agreed. “That's why you have to be there. I'll be making up with Stacey, which I know isn’t going to be easy, and I will be talking some sense to Jhoanna. I know that Jhoanna has an overly frustratingly selfless personality, but it isn’t an excuse to disregard you as much as she was disregarding herself.”

“I understand her. She needs time.” Though she always wondered for how long.

“Oh, I know Jhoanna. She will take her time, Aiah. Either you will wait until the rest of your life or you will put an end to this. Choose.”

“Grabe ka naman. Porket nagising ka na, ginaganyan mo na ‘ko,” she teased and Mikha rolled her eyes at her. She was happy for her. Finally…

“Jhoanna deserves to be happy too, and so do you. It was messy when it happened the first time with Ate Maloi and Ate Colet. It doesn't have to be this time, I know Jhoanna’s mainly thinking of me because I also like you, so I’m going to remove myself from the picture.”

Everyone was aware of Jhoanna’s selflessness. Aiah wondered what happened before with Maloi and Colet, and still being close friends with those two despite what happened indeed was a testament of how kind Jhoanna was and how she valued friendship.

She wondered… if Jhoanna had just been brave enough to fight for her feelings for Colet back then, where would she?

“We want Jhoanna to be happy, too. We know it’s going to be you, Aiah. You’re not the only one sure about you and her, I know you’re perfect together. We think you’ll be the one who’ll change Jho for the better, and that’s all we want for her.”

It meant a lot for Aiah. Deep inside her, she wanted the approval of Jhoanna’s friends. They had been with her longer and they knew her more than she did, if they said she was good for her, she would believe them instantly. 

“That’s what I want for her, too. It takes time to heal and change, especially from something one thought was a good thing all along. Jhoanna needs patience.”

“And you have so much of that,” Mikha added. “Give me some. Stacey will surely be insufferable purposely just to annoy me kapag sinuyo ko siya.”

Aiah laughed. “Goodluck, Mikhs.”

It’s time. 

Aiah had always wondered when Jhoanna’s self-realization would come to an end, and she believed it was time to end it. That rainy afternoon made her realize that Jhoanna also yearned for her. 

Everything was slowly falling into the right place.

+++

A thorny rose is still a rose. A rose still represents good things despite its thorns that might prick. 

Jhoanna, in Aiah’s eyes, was the same. Despite being hindered by her own thorns, she was still perfectly beautiful, and would even shine more if those thorns were carefully picked out. Aiah could do that for her, one by one, slowly and carefully, lovingly and patiently. 

She was looking forward to Sheena's birthday, and Sheena didn’t need to know that it wasn’t mainly because of her. They would be all together again, and honestly, even though she had just been with them for a short time, she loved it when they were all together.

But still, the main reason was because Jhoanna was there, in the same room as hers, not miles away from her, and certainly not only a view of her back, but the whole Jhoanna. She was excited, and her heart was beating slightly loudly. 

“Can you calm down?” Mikha said with a frown as she held onto the knob. “Things might not turn according to how we expect them to be. Level your expectations.”

And Mikha was right. Aiah was probably expecting too much that she forgot who could be with Jhoanna. Sevilleja.

As soon as Mikha opened the door, the sight that welcomed them was Jhoanna, kissing Stacey’s blushing cheek. To be fair, even if she leveled her expectations, this sight was really unexpected, and she confirmed that with Mikha’s furrowed brows. 

What a bad start…

No interaction with Jhoanna even though she was just an arm length was a torture. Her eyes would always look for her, sometimes she would catch Jhoanna looking, but she would immediately look away, it wouldn’t even last a few seconds. 

When eating, she was carefully watching how Stacey and Jhoanna would take care of each other, it was almost like they were purposely doing that in front of her to annoy her. 

“They like taking care of each other. They’re always like that, don’t worry,” Mikha whispered to her, “I think.”

Aiah badly wanted to talk to her or get close to Jhoanna, but Stacey was always there, and somehow, it was slightly starting to annoy her.

“Staks, kuha mo nga ako coke,” Jhoanna said, and gave Stacey a pleading look. 

Even though it wasn’t for her, Aiah’s heart jumped and the look made her smile slightly. 

But Stacey wasn’t her, and that look didn’t budge her. She just continued eating and even rolled her eyes at Jhoanna. How could they not give what she wants when she looks like that!?

If it was for me, I would buy her all the coke in a store.

The banter was okay. It was even entertaining. They liked to tease Jhoanna, probably because Jhoanna didn’t get seriously mad at all and didn’t know how to hold grudges. It was okay, but for Aiah, it was too long and Jhoanna seemed to really need to drink. 

She was looking at Stacey, hoping it was enough to tell her to get the drink already for Jhoanna, but she was only focused on her plate to tease Jhoanna. Ano ba naman ‘to… How could they not give in to Jhoanna’s requests so easily. If I were them…

“‘Pag ako namat-”

Well, that’s it! “Ako na lang.”

Aiah stood up and poured coke in a glass, giving it to Jhoanna after.  “Here. Drink dahil hindi ko kayang mawala ka.”

Everyone was silent after that, and they were just looking at her, even Stacey, who looked shocked and slightly impressed. Jhoanna was even more shocked, she was just looking at her and the glass of coke in her hand. 

“What? Get this na.” 

Jhoanna blinked and eventually reached for the glass, thanking her in a small voice. She sat down after that, feeling embarrassed for causing a scene, but she didn’t regret what she said. It was true.

“‘Syado, gumaganon,” Mikha whisphered, teasing her. Aiah just nudged her and continued eating. 

But after that scene, Jhoanna had finally seen her. She could feel her eyes on her most of the time, and she was trying her best not to look back because it was her time to see her, look at her, and realize her worth.

The thing about Aiah, whenever Jhoanna was around, she was always hyper aware of her presence. Even in the dark, and the only light was coming from the television in front of them, she knew where Jhoanna was. 

She knew she had her arms wrapped around Stacey as they screamed at each other’s ears in fear, she knew her voice, and she knew that she was not comfortable on the floor so she unconsciously sat beside her on the sofa. She also knew that when she moved closer and wrapped her arms around her when a scary part came in, she was not thinking it could be her.

“Ay sorry-”

“Don’t move, Jho. Please…”

Having Jhoanna in her arms was something she had always wanted to happen. If it could just be for so long, every day, every moment, every time she wanted… but it takes time. It will be worth it.

She knew Jhoanna also had the same feelings with her when she couldn’t reject her in intimate times like this. She was completely not expecting it when Jhoanna took her hand and intertwined them, rubbing the back of her hand. It made her blush. Jhoanna had an effect on her that she couldn’t deny, the only person who could make her heart skip a beat and make it beat faster.

At this point, they were not focused on the movie anymore. Jhoanna didn’t scream when another scary scene came in, they were just focused on each other’s feelings. In times like this that made Aiah feel at peace, it was like she knew Jhoanna was choosing her deep inside. 

Love really is complicated. We could feel connected but at the same time, still uncertain. But I want this to last… what happens next, this is enough for now.

The movie ended, and the light was back on. Jhoanna immediately moved away before others could spot them, or before Mikha could see them by how she looked at Mikha carefully. 

Speaking of Mikha, she gave Aiah a look, indicating that it was time, and Mikha would act now. All she had to do was wait and watch as Mikha and Jhoanna went to the other room to get their beds. 

She looked at her friends, seeing Stacey looking at her but immediately looked away when she looked back. She knew this girl was probably mad at her for stealing Mikha’s attention from her, but she’d let Mikha clear things out for her. 

If things get better between me and Jhoanna, maybe we could also be close friends.

When Mikha came back after a while, she nodded at her, indicating that it was time to go talk to Jhoanna. She suddenly felt nervous. The excitement was gone. Her mind was empty and the words she prepared earlier were suddenly gone as she went in. 

Gosh. What should I do? What will I say?

Until she opened the door of the room, she couldn't find the right word or what she should even do. Jhoanna was already looking at her, seemingly waiting for her to arrive. “Jhoanna…” 

What’s next? Should I open the topic immediately? Should I ask how she is first? Should I… Should I…

Aiah may appear calm right now but she was already panicking inside. She didn’t know what to say, and the only excuse she managed to make in her mind was, “Mikha asked me to come here dahil you need help… sa pagbubuhat ng bed?”

“Ah, oo. Ang bigat kasi. Pa-help na lang. Tara.”

…What? That’s not what I– Aren’t we supposed to… talk?

She somehow wanted Jhoanna to open up the topic instead of her. She didn’t want to look desperate and audacious, but she was still looking forward to this talk. She wanted to know if Jhoanna’s mindset had changed.

But with how she was acting now, Aiah was confused. Did I expect too much from Mikha’s reaction? Did I expect too much from Jhoanna that she’d realize the negativity of her selflessness? Did I expect Jhoanna to actually… choose her?

“Aiah?”

“Huh? Ay, sorry. Wait.” She blinked and smiled, trying her best to hide her disappointment as she walked to Jhoanna. 

“Aiah.”

Her name sounded pretty when she said it, but she couldn’t focus on that now. For some reason, she was distracted with her thoughts. It seemed like she had no change to expect today. It seemed like today wasn’t the time yet for Jhoanna to move forward.

It seems like I still have to wait more. 

“Ito ba? Ang bigat nga pala-”

So what? If Jhoanna still needs more time I will give-

“I… I’m choosing myself.”

Aiah stopped trying to carry the mattress as she looked at Jhoanna. 

“Sarili ko naman, Aiah…”

In Aiah’s ears clapping ears, it was like this: I’m choosing us. Tayo naman, Aiah.

Her excitement came back as she didn’t even wait for Jhoanna to continue what else she was going to say and just pulled her for a tight hug. It was more than enough. She didn’t even need to say anything more.

Or… that was what she thought because when Jhoanna said, “Mahal kita, Aiah.” Her heart just went wild, and she felt like crying in happiness. She was so proud of Jhoanna. 

When she kissed her again, all of the doubts and fear, all the pain in waiting, the overthinking, and the yearning had vanished. Aiah knew she would never experience them again with Jhoanna.

Holding Jhoanna’s waist without her trying to remove it or trying to push her away, instead even leaning more to her as they go back to Colet’s apartment was definitely something she had always imagined. 

“So, what are we?”

“Huh?”

“Us, Jhoanna. What are we?”

“Bagay. Bagay tayo.” Jhoanna mischievously smiled at her, and no matter how much Aiah wanted to frown because that wasn't what she meant, she couldn't help but chuckle. 

“Aside from that. You know what I mean, Jhoanna.”

Obviously, they were both new to this, and there were still a lot of things to adjust, but with Jhoanna, she knew everything would just be easy. 

“Edi mag-jowa.”

“Jowa… how about girlfriends na lang?”

“Same lang ‘yon eh. Pero oo, girlfriends…” There was a blush on their cheeks as they realized that. There was no push and pull, no pushing away, no walking out, and no others anymore. Just them.

Aiah was happy for Jhoanna for finally opening her eyes, not to see her, but to see her own worth. It took so long to get here, and she knew Jhoanna was just starting to adjust, but Aiah promised to be there every step of the way. 

“Thank you, Aiah.”

“Huh? Saan?”

“For waiting.”

“Of course. Always, Jho.”

I waited. I waited not because I was expecting you to change overnight. I waited because I believe in the person you’d become once you stop losing yourself for everyone else.

And it was worth it, My Jhoanna.