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Alexis Ness is breathing raggedly. He thinks he's having a panic attack. At least it was the closest thing to a panic attack he'd ever experienced. He's crying so hard he can't breathe. At such moments, he really wants to become tiny, so that he will be blown away by the wind somewhere far away, so that no one will find him. But the closest thing he can afford to do is hide. When he was a child, when he was very anxious, he always hid in the closet in the bathroom. He was small, it was so easy to got lost in the space between brooms and rags. The bathroom of the dorm he lives in doesn't have a storage room. But he still goes into the bathroom as if on an old habit. There's no familiar door behind the bath. There is no bath or shower stall, just a countertop with two sinks and a toilet. But in his not very adequate state, he is still looking for a place to hide. He opens a door in the countertop, under the sink. The place is objectively small, and the fifth part is completely filled with soap and face wash foam. And even knowing that he's not a kid anymore, knowing that he's grown into a clumsily large teenager, Alexis climbs under the sink. It's cramped, and he has to cross his legs and assume the fetal position to accommodate it. But cramped spaces are even better. He won't pull out the hair on his head because he won't be able to lift his arms. Ness closed the doors and tries to calm down. Or not to calm down, but at least to become quieter. He usually cries very softly, a skill he learned as a child. But today he can't be quiet, he inhales loudly because his lungs don't get the enough oxygen. He has to force himself to breathe through his nose, so he won't be able to make terribly loud noises. Ness bites his lip to keep his mouth shut. It hurts, but he'll stop as soon as he feels the taste of copper in his mouth. The taste of blood somehow calms him, as if it's proof that he's still alive.
Alexis is doing great, he doesn't make loud noises anymore, just barely audible sobs. He should just wait it out. He doesn't know what he means by “it”. Maybe a panic attack, or a hysteria, he does not know the exact definition of the feeling. But now he's hidden. He's safe. No one can find him and hurt him.
He started hiding in small spaces in a childhood, when he was seven or older. At first, he liked to pretend to be a cat, it seemed to him that he could turn into a cat if he understood the cat. It was written in his favorite collection of fairy tales about magic, he loved magic very much. , Of course, he loves now. But he doesn't want to become a cat anymore. Now he's hiding to make himself feel safe. Not that the bombing will start soon, not that he should be killed or beaten up, in fact, there is no danger. But Alexis feels fear. Irrational fear. As a child, he used to hide so much from his parents when they were annoyed or from his older siblings. They never hit him, he has a good family, he just didn't want to be yelled at again.
He is currently hiding from his roommate and friend Michael Kaiser. He doesn't hit him either, he's a good person, and Michael doesn't swear as often, except when Nessus really did something wrong. Like today. He was really awful today. He could see that Kaiser had been in a bad mood since the morning and was trying to lighten his mood, making it worse and worse. In the evening, they went to soccer practice. Usually, training always made Michael feel better, but not today. And it's Ness' fault. He was upset that he couldn't make Michael feel better and brought sadness to his game. His movements were uncoordinated and sluggish. His body seemed to refuse to respond. He couldn't play well with Michael when he promised to be his support and his shield. Naturally, the Kaiser was very angry. He said that Ness was a loser who didn't even deserve to stand next to him if he was going to play like he did today. It was the truth. Alexis is a loser, sometimes it seemed to him that he was not even a person, but rather an animal. It was pathetic, street-like, and never had any human warmth, picked up by Michael, who showed him what caring looks like. And yet, he couldn't bear the weight of those words, he ran away as soon as he heard them. He didn't even change his clothes, just picked up his backpack and stuff from the locker room and rushed to his room. When he opened the door, he was overcome with anxiety and panic, threw his backpack on the bed and started crying, and then he was here, under the sink.
Alexis licks his lips, tasting blood. He doesn't cry much. He'll just lie here for another five minutes. This is his punishment. He didn't deserve anything better. He's been basking in Michael's praise all this time, glad that he's finally been properly appreciated. And yet, he ruined it. If Michael turns his back on him, what should he do? It will be like dying, he doesn't want to be alone anymore. But he deserved it. It's the right thing.
Footsteps and the creak of a door interrupt his thoughts. Michael entered the room, saying that it was so quiet that Ness couldn't make out a single word. There was no sound of footsteps for a few seconds, and then they became very loud. Michael called out to him: "Alexis! Where are you?” But he didn't answer him. Michael continued to prowl around the room, then stopped. After a few dozen seconds, Alexis's ringtone started playing. The phone was still in his backpack. Kaiser swore. He must have gone into the bathroom, because the footsteps seemed to get even louder. But Michael won't find it. If his parents and siblings never found him in their own home, then neither Michael will.
Alexis will sit here until Michael goes to the dining room for dinner, then she will come out. After training, it's about thirty minutes before dinner starts. The Kaiser should be leaving soon.
But for some reason, the door in the countertop opens and light hits Alexis's face.
"Oh God. Are you?.. Please get out of there, " Michael says.
"Okay," Alexis says, his voice hoarse with tears.
Michael holds out his hand to Alexis, but he doesn't take it, because it will only make it harder for him to get out. Ness rolls onto the cold tile floor of the bathroom and takes Michael's hand for the first time. Michael leads him into the bedroom, sitting him down on the bed and wrapping a blanket around him.
"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. Just don't cry okay? I won't hurt you.
"I've never held a grudge against you,and I know you won't," Alexis replies with a soft smile. Kaiser won't hurt you, except when Ness makes him angry or makes a mistake, but you can understand that Michael just wants Alexis to get better, so he swears.
"But that's not right, tell me something!" I did a terrible thing, blame me! You can even hit me." Michael is still running around with his exclamations. As if he doesn't realize that Ness will never hurt him, yell at him, or leave. He will always be with him, because he doesn't want to be alone anymore.
"It's okay, I'm not crying," Alexis smiles the most joyful smile she can do, but Michael doesn't look at all reassured.
"Is there something you want?" Let's order food and watch a movie, or I can read you something, you seem to have bought a new book recently".
"If you don't mind, I'd like to listen your voice," Ness is now smiling for real, he doesn't make any effort, a smile blooms on his face by itself.
Already lying on the bed, washed but red-faced with tears, Alexis Ness promises himself that he will never leave Michael Kaiser. Ness is his support, his shield, his dog.