Chapter Text
He was nervous.
It wasn’t something that happened very often, but when one contemplated the fact that one’s soulmate was going to be in the Tower in just under an hour, after one has spent the last seven years avoiding her…well one had the right to be nervous.
Clint paced around his apartment trying to figure out what to do, he’d known the instant Fury had mentioned Coulson (who was alive! the jerk) had added Dr. Jemma Simmons to his team that the moment was fast approaching when he’d have to make a decision.
He’d first met Jemma seven years ago while she and her best friend and platonic soulmate Leo Fitz had still been in the Academy. He’d been in talks with Fitz to create one of his first 'official' (as in not made by Clint himself) trick arrows. Clint had been a little unwilling at the time to spend so much time with an egg-head talking about things that he held very close and personal (archery was one of the few things that never changed for him, it was more than just a hobby)with someone who would only speak in large words Clint could barely understand (he wasn’t an idiot, and when it came to archery and the physics behind it all he was actually pretty smart, but that didn’t mean he knew all the intellectual lingo the egg-head would likely throw around).
Coulson had convinced him to give Fitz a shot if for no other reason than to keep Clint busy and out of trouble while they were both visiting the Academy for some reason Coulson never shared. He still remembered the look of awe Fitz had given him when he’d knocked on the doorframe to Fitz and Jemma’s lab. It was the first sign of many that Fitz wasn’t like other egg-heads Clint had met over the years.
Fitz’s bumbling words of awe and hero-worship were amusing and Clint was surprised when he got straight to business asking questions most egg-heads wouldn’t believe Clint capable of answering let alone understanding. They’d talked for nearly three hours about archery (Fitz was trying to get a firmer grasp of the sport and asked a lot of questions) and the possibilities for more trick arrows than Clint had managed to think up himself. Fitz had listened with a thoughtful ear as Clint made suggestions and when he had to answer or reply he’d been courteous, explaining in simple terms (but not too simple) why things would or wouldn’t work like Clint had expected.
Fitz had been the first scientist Clint had ever met who had made him feel respected and intelligent and who had effortlessly earned Clint’s own respect and trust.
The two of them had been in the middle of discussing the pros and cons of an acid arrow when Jemma had whirled in. Her accent had captivated Clint right away, and her expression, bright and excited, had inexplicably caused his heart to lurch in his chest. She’d been in the middle of a story of some sort when she finally caught sight of Clint. Her face had flushed and her eyes had widened, revealing their vibrant olive-brown color.
“Well hello, I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was interrupting anything. I can just…come back later shall I?” she’d said, and then before Clint could fully process her words and what they meant , she’d turned on her heel, her hair flaring out around her and her face an even darker shade of red than before, and disappeared from the lab.
All he’d been able to think for the rest of his stay at the Academy was ‘no, not her.’ Harold Barton (his father) had loved his soulmate Edith (his mother), but that didn’t keep her safe from being his favorite punching bag. Clint had watched for years as his mother had taken beating after beating from his father who claimed to love her. He’d grown up with the idea that he was no better than his father echoing in his head, and he’d lived in fear of the day he finally met his soulmate because of it.
Jemma Simmons (the name he managed to wheedle out of an unsuspecting Fitz) was young and kind, brilliant and enthusiastic and Clint wanted more than anything to make sure that never changed. At the time he’d allowed his fear of himself and his fear for Jemma to override the basic urge to find her, to say his words to her, to solidify the start of their soulbond. He couldn’t be the reason she lost the goodness and brilliant light that almost blinded him.
It would kill him.
He’d watched over her throughout the next few years, making sure she had all the opportunities she could ever want. Every day he found himself falling harder and harder for his soulmate, he went out of his way to discover even the tiniest detail about her with an almost desperate need to know her, understand her (be with her, though he never let that thought fester). He had dreams where he approached her and she welcomed him with open arms and warm kisses (sometimes more), but he also had nightmares where she grew angry at him for leaving her so long, or where he became the monster he’d always feared and he hurt her.
Natasha, as his best friend, Coulson, as his handler and the closest thing to family he’d had at the time, and Fury, because he was the Director, were the only three people Clint ever told about his soulmate. He knew Natasha believed love was a weakness only children could indulge in and she never pushed him to go back and claim his soulmate, but she was also disapproving of his reasons for leaving her alone. Coulson had disagreed with the whole plan right from the very beginning, he was a romantic who had never seen the dark side of soulbonding. Clint knew Coulson would never believe Clint’s reasons for staying away, no matter how many examples he provided Coulson with of destructive soulbonds and the evidence he had that he would be no different than his father or hundreds of others who took advantage of the soulbond to use and abuse their other halves.
Fury had simply given him a look and told him not to let it interfere with his work before dismissing him. (This was the response he’d preferred, but he understood where his friends were coming from.)
Clint had resigned himself to watching over Jemma (and by association, Fitz) from afar. While he may not feel worthy of being with her, that didn’t mean he didn’t care about her. He was man enough to admit to himself even now, as he paced around his apartment, that he was helplessly in love with the small woman, yet that love hadn’t been enough in the past to convince him to go to her.
When she’d disappeared a few years back for a classified project, Clint had nearly lost his mind. He’d been unable to track her down, to check on her health or her happiness. It had come too soon after to his adventure with mind-control and the death of one of his closest friends, which made it so he was nearly incapable of thinking straight for days after discovering Jemma’s reassignment. The only consolation he’d had was that Fitz was with her and Fury had made sure to inform him personally that Jemma was safe.
When Fury had finally told everyone about Coulson’s continued existence and the members of the team that Coulson had been given, Clint had both been relieved and panicked. The relief came for obvious reasons, he’d been concerned (terrified was really a better word for it) when Jemma and Fitz hadn’t turned up after the downfall of SHIELD like most SHIELD agents had. Clint had even gone as far as to request that Tony keep an eye out for the both of them, but there had been nothing.
While he was proud that Jemma had and still continued to play such a large part in the continuing existence of SHIELD, Clint had been numb to hear the cost. She’d been undercover at HYDRA! A mission she’d only survived thanks to the skills of Clint’s sister-in-law’s sister (That was a long story he didn’t like to get into that offered yet another example of a person—Barney-- taking advantage of their soulbond with their soulmate—Laura—leaving Clint to support Laura and her kids while Barney was off doing whatever it was he did with rare check ins. Clint couldn’t really blame Bobbi for hating Clint for what his brother was doing to her sister.).
And honestly, what were the odds that Jemma would wind up being close friends with Steve’s soulmate anyway?
Sighing, Clint stilled for the first time in the last several hours when he felt the air around him shift, “It’s time to stop hiding behind your fear Barton,” Natasha’s familiar voice stated.
Eyes sliding shut in resignation for a moment Clint took a deep breath before turning to spot Natasha, dressed in a long sleeved black and red lace fitted dress, leaning against the wall beneath an opened ventilation shaft.
“You climbed through the shafts in that?” he ignored her question in favor of his own. Natasha didn’t twitch, though she did raise one eyebrow wordlessly at him in a move he recognized as her way of telling him to stop avoiding her words, “I’m not hiding,” he sighed, “I’ve never hidden the fact that the idea of actually…being with Jemma scares me.”
She quirked her head, and her lips twitched, “Why?” she prodded, her arms folding over her chest, “Because your father was an abusive drunk and your brother a cowardly criminal and neither of them knew a good thing when they had it?” her eyes twinkled a little with amusement, “I’d like to think that I trained you how to treat a woman better than that.”
Clint gave a small chuckle, “I’d like to think that I wouldn’t hurt her like they hurt my mom and Laura, but—“
“And I’d also hope that you would know me well enough to know that if you ever did lose your mind and hurt her I would be there to set you straight and potentially end you,” her words weren’t meant to be mean, and they were said with typical Natasha bluntness.
“What happened to love is for children huh?” he inquired, “When I first told you about her you agreed with me.”
Natasha shook her head, “No, I just didn’t argue with you,” she disagreed, “And I’ve come to learn that love…” her eyes dropped a little as she smiled faintly, “Love isn’t as…weak as I once thought,” she looked back up at Clint meeting his eyes.
He could feel them widening a little with surprise, “You love him,” he stated a slow grin stretching across his lips, “You’re in love with Sam.”
Rolling her eyes Natasha surprised him when she didn’t deny it, “And he loves me,” she added softly, her eyes giving away how disbelieving she felt about that.
Clint studied her for a moment before sighing and stepping forward to pull her into a hug. He was one of the few people alive who knew how much Natasha craved physical contact, but he also knew how few people she trusted to give it to her. Her trust circle was slowly extending to the other Avengers, but to Clint’s knowledge Sam and Darcy were the only other people Natasha would allow this close to her.
“You deserve it,” he reassured her, knowing her thoughts better than his own sometimes, “Sam is a good man—“
“He doesn’t deserve my past,” she murmured, her arms looping around his waist, “All the blood in my ledger. One wrong move and I could kill him in my sleep; and I don’t trust as easily as most…yet despite all of that, he does love me,” she paused, “And I love him. We’re happy,” she pulled back to look up at him pointedly, “And I want that for you,” she poked him firmly in the chest, “You deserve it.”
He sighed and pulled away from her, “There are just so many reasons why it will never work that it’s not even funny,” he shook his head, “It’s better for her if she just…doesn’t know I exist.”
Natasha frowned, “Don’t you think that should be her choice?” she stated, “And what reasons, exactly?”
“I’m much older than she is,” Clint started, it was the easiest reason to give.
Of course Natasha rolled her eyes, “Eleven years is hardly an equal to the age gap between Thor and Jane, or Steve and Skye, or Bucky and Darcy,” she lifted her eyebrows meaningfully, her eyes sparking with hidden humor.
It was Clint’s turn to roll his eyes, “All of the above have a certain amount of immortality Tash, and you know it,” he shook his head, “besides the age thing though,” he pointedly went on, ignoring Natasha’s look, “I have more than a few people in my life who want to kill me, I can’t risk them using her to get to me.”
“From the sound of things,” Natasha moved to perch on the armrest of one of his overstuffed chairs, “She is more than capable of handling herself at least long enough for us to help her,” she tilted her head a little, “And she sounds like she has a few of her own enemies that you won’t be able to protect her from if she doesn’t know you exist. Either way, she deserves to know that if anyone is ever stupid enough to mess with her, not only will they be dealing with retribution from her own team but from ours as well.”
That…was not what he’d expected. Sometimes he forgot that he had a whole team at his back willing to help him when he needed it, “I can’t be everything she needs and still be an Avenger and I can’t ask her to deal with what I do for a living,” he listed, deciding not to refute her statement.
Natasha sighed, “It is a balancing act,” she agreed, “But you also need to remember that she’s already part of this world of action and violence,” her hands waved a little to encompass the world around them, “She knows the risks you’d be taking, and she’s signed up to take them herself if the situation required it. You won’t know what she can and can’t handle unless you talk to her.”
“It would be long distance,” he added, “From what I remember the Playground was somewhere in Virginia, which isn’t exactly nearby.”
“It’s also not as far away as California or other places,” Natasha reminded him, “And she could easily be transferred to work at the Cocoon or to the Avengers Facility upstate.”
Clint shook his head vehemently, “I won’t ask her to relocate her life just so I can keep mine,” he rebuked.
An elegant eyebrow lifted, “But what if she wanted to?” she argued, “Which, I’ll remind you again, you won’t know until you ask,” she rolled her eyes, “And what if she wants to be with you?” she rushed to add, cutting off his retort, “What if none of your reasons matter to her and she just wants you?”
The very thought nearly left him breathless. What wouldn’t he give for Jemma to want him back?
But it shouldn’t matter, even if he did tell her, and she decided to forgive him for keeping it a secret from her for the last seven years, he still couldn’t force her to face the potential he had to become his worst nightmare. His head was shaking as all the different ways things could go wrong spun around in his head, “She deserves better,” he repeated softly to himself.
Natasha’s normally stoic expression softened a little, “She deserves the right to decide what she thinks she deserves for herself,” she rebuked gently.
There was a solid knock at the door to his apartment that brought them both around to stare at it. Clint felt his eyebrows pull down a little in confusion as he shared a look with Natasha, she didn’t know who it was either. Forcing back the emotions he’d allowed to take free rein for the last little while, he forced himself to move towards the door and pull it open.
“Skye,” he greeted with some surprise as he found the smaller woman standing outside his door. She was dressed for the party upstairs in a long sleeved black dress with golden sequin starburst covering her torso and spreading further apart as they reached the bottom of the dress a few inches above her knees.
The woman in question pulled her eyes around to face him with a slightly nervous smile, “Hey,” she waved a little, “I…um…can I ask you a question? Or a favor,” her eyebrows pulled down expressively, “I’m not sure which you’ll think it is, but I promised I’d ask.”
Clint studied her for a moment longer, surprised at how much emotion he was able to detect in her expression. He’d recognized her ability to appear stoic nearly the moment he’d met her, and to see her looking at him so earnestly now let him know she was nervous enough about whatever was on her mind that it was messing with her ability to control her expressions. Unable to think of anything she could ask that would make him upset with her, Clint simply shifted to the side, “Want to come in?” he offered.
Her brown eyes glanced through the doorway once before she gave a small nod, “Sure,” she brushed past him and waited for him to lead her further into his living room space, “Nice place,” she complimented as she scanned the area (obviously checking the security points like any good agent). Her back straightened a little as her eyes caught sight of Natasha and she only hesitated for a millisecond before greeting the other woman, “Natasha,” she nodded in greeting.
“Skye,” Natasha returned the greeting, “What brings you by?”
Shifting her weight a little on her heeled feet Skye shifted so she could see both Clint and Natasha, “Coulson wants to see both of you before he meets with the rest of your team,” she came right out and said it, “I left a few minutes before the rest of the team did so he asked that I check with the two of you to see if that was alright.”
Clint and Natasha both stiffened a little at the request and shared a look. Neither of them really knew how to handle the fact that their old friend and mentor was still alive and well, they were upset that they weren’t informed, and hurt that they weren’t trusted with the information, but they were also glad he wasn’t dead and they understood, somewhat, the concept of following orders like Coulson had done.
Obviously their shared look lasted a little too long for Skye to be comfortable with as she sighed loudly a moment later, “Look, the two of you are part of Coulson’s family, whether you still think you are or not, and seeing as how Coulson’s basically like a father to me and that makes us a sort-of family,” she pointed between the three of them as she spoke, “I’m just going to come right out and say it, Coulson deserves a second chance,” she paused and scanned their faces, not even flinching at the cold look Natasha was giving her (which wasn’t an actual indication of how Natasha felt, but rather a test of Skye to determine her capabilities), “He didn’t ask for what happened to him and he doesn’t deserve the cold shoulder from the two of you.”
“He could have told us he was still alive,” Natasha was using her predatory voice, the one she used to lull her prey into a false sense of security while simultaneously warning them of the imminent danger.
To Clint’s surprise and amusement it didn’t seem to work on Skye, “Sure he could have,” she agreed with a roll of her eyes at Natasha’s antics, “But he didn’t; and how he’s trying to fix things as best he can. We can play the what if game all we want, ask all those questions of whether or not he would have ever come forward if Steve and I weren’t soulmates,” a small warm blush touched the younger woman’s cheeks at the mention of Steve that made Clint want to smile at her, but he resisted, “But the fact is we’ll never know and asking those questions won’t get us anywhere,” she shrugged, her hands lifting with the gesture, “What happens next is what’s important. Will you allow Coulson the chance to talk to you? Or are you both willing to throw a member of your family away for a mistake that wasn’t his to make?”
Natasha’s eyes found Clint’s and they communicated in silence for a few minutes before Clint nodded, “Alright,” he agreed, “He can stop by here and we can all go to the party together,” he decided.
Natasha nodded her head and gave Skye a tilted look, “Tell us about Jemma Simmons while we wait,” she requested.
Skye’s eyes narrowed for a moment, switching from looking at Natasha to looking at Clint curiously, “You’re nervous,” she commented as she studied Clint, “But Jemma’s name makes you excited and anxious…” she trailed off thoughtfully.
“How do you know—“ Clint frowned, shaking his head and cutting himself off before he gave too much away. If Skye found out his secret, it likely wouldn’t remain a secret much longer, “What are you talking about?”
The younger woman contemplated him carefully for a moment longer before explaining, “Everything moves,” she told them, “even people. And when people feel different things their body vibrates different,” her head tilted a little, “I’ve figured out which vibrations match which emotions for the most part, and your vibrations when I say Jemma’s name…” she smirked as she received whatever reaction she was talking about, “tells me that you…” her eyes widened with realization, “You’re—“ her wide eyes turned to Natasha for a moment before looking back at Clint.
“What?” Clint felt a surge of panic spike through his chest, Skye couldn’t know! She could give everything away! He shot a frantic look at Natasha requesting help, but the crazy woman just smirked at him and leant back, seemingly amused by the situation.
“You’re her soulmate!” Skye declared, “You’re Jemma’s soulmate! But…” she trailed off her mind visibly racing as she tried to piece together a puzzle with pieces Clint wasn’t even aware of, “She doesn’t know,” she decided, “You know you’re her soulmate but she doesn’t,” she frowned, “Why doesn’t she know?”
Clint tried to shake his head, to deny the whole thing but Natasha interjected before he could voice any denials, “Because Clint’s scared he’s not good enough for her,” she outted him (he’s pretty sure there was a menacing sort of glee in her eyes as she did so, traitor), “He met her seven years ago and she said her words to him, but she left before he could say anything back and he managed to talk himself out of finding her to say his words to her.”
Skye stared between the two of them for a long moment before stating, “Coulson knew,” she didn’t sound pleased, “Of course he knew, you three were close, incredibly close, there was no way you didn’t tell him,” she shook her head and paced a few steps away before turning back around, “Jemma is going to be pissed,” she stated, “Coulson will never hear the end of it.”
“You can’t tell her!” Clint burst out, “Please, you can’t tell Jemma.” (Man he loved her name on his lips.)
Hands lifting to her hips Skye frowned, “Why not?” she thrust her hand out at him, “She deserves to know that her Avengers crush, who, for the record, she’s practically in love with and constantly waxing poetic about—your arms are a big selling point for her, btw—is actually her soulmate, and that all that need-to-be-near-him stuff she’s put down as a potential mental disorder that could lead to some serious issues with stalking is actually just her half of the soulbond attempting to form.”
How was it that with one really long, flippant, offhanded statement this woman he’d just met a week ago made was enough to quiet all the fears he’d accumulated over the years?
“Really?” was all he could think to say, “She really…She thinks…I’m her favorite…Really?” and apparently stutter. It was embarrassing.
Skye and Natasha shared an amused look that told Clint all he needed to know about whether or not he ever wanted to be on Skye’s bad side (not that he’d wanted to brave it before, but now with Natasha sharing looks with her that would have to be a firm no—BAD IDEA).
“Yes, really,” Skye mocked with a small smirk, “Look, will she be upset that you didn’t tell her all those years ago? Maybe, I can’t say for sure, but I do know that Jemma is a beautiful person who deserves her happily ever after.”
“And if I can’t give that to her?” Clint exclaimed, exasperated and desperate for Skye to understand.
She seemed to understand just fine, he realized, she just didn’t think it was an actual possibility, “And what if you can?” she retorted, “You’ll never know unless you try. She deserves to have you try.”
“My father was abusive,” Clint found himself sharing, hoping it would help her to understand, “he and my mother were soulmates and his favorite pastime was beating her until one day she just didn’t get back up. He killed her, and they were bonded,” he shook his head, “And my brother found his soulmate, bonded with her, knocked her up and then dropped her in my lap only to come back every few years to knock her up again, she has three kids now but she lives in hiding because of what not only Barney’s enemies could do to her, but my enemies as well. I’ve never seen a working soulbond, I don’t even know if I’m capable of it.”
Skye seemed to contemplate this new information, silently studying him before she moved a few feet closer, completely ignoring Natasha now, though Natasha was watching them both with interest (Clint wasn’t one for sharing like that usually), “I grew up in foster homes all over the country,” she told him, “It wasn’t the circus,” she gave him a look that told him Coulson had shared that piece of information with her, “but it wasn’t easy. The majority of the families I stayed with could care less about the kids they were keeping and most of them had marital problems that involved domestic abuse. I never had the opportunity to see a true soulbond until I was a teenager.”
She went silent for a moment, obviously lost in memories Clint couldn’t see, “Did Fury mention that I was an 0-8-4?” she asked seemingly out of nowhere. When Clint shook his head (no, that particular puzzling piece of information had never been shared with them), “I was found in the middle of a massacred village in China by a team of SHIELD agents. Some of them were killed soon after, the ones who weren’t are currently AWOL and living on the run,” she swallowed and shifted a little uncomfortably, “They placed me in an orphanage and gave instructions for me to never be allowed to stay in one place for longer than three months. This family, the ones with the true soulbond, they managed to keep me for five before I was taken away from them.”
Her eyes lifted from a quick glance down at her knotting fingers to look at him, “Before I saw the two of them together, the way they acted with one another the way they just…loved one another, I thought like you did, that it wasn’t possible for me, that I’d never had any proof that something like that was actually possible, let alone a desirable thing to have,” she shrugged and shook her head, “I…I asked them once, how they managed to have what they have…how I could have something like it in my own life,” she smiled a little, “Their answer was not to be afraid of having it, to be confident in who I am and to know what I am capable of and to know what I want. If I wanted a true soulbond like theirs I had to work to make it possible. And now with Steve…”
She shook her head and went silent. A minute later she looked up at him with a clear sheen to her eyes that (oddly enough) made him want to comfort her with a hug, “With Steve I was terrified I was never going to get that. I wasn’t going to be able to hold up my side of the bond if I was keeping all those secrets from him. I got lucky, I had friends and people willing to step in to make it possible,” she smiled down at her fingers for a moment before looking back at him, “And while our bond is still forming…it is the most beautiful and…and the most perfect thing I’ve ever felt. Despite what I’d been told, I had still feared that something like that just…wasn’t possible for me, but I took a chance, I gave Steve a chance and together we’ve managed to start something that I think…that I know,” she amended firmly, “will last forever.”
Clint shifted in place, unsure of how he was expected to react to her story. Part of him wanted to nod and agree to do as she suggested, but the other part, the one he’d lived with for most of his life, was determined he would never trap someone with him with a soulbond only to have him turn on them down the road.
“Clint,” Skye’s voice was soft as it broke through his thoughts, “I know your scared,” she gave him a knowing smile and shake of her head when he went to disagree (more out of instinct than pride or anything else), “But you are a good man who has dedicated your life to protecting people. You’ve seen and done more than anyone could even begin to realize; you’ve earned the right to have a happily ever after. But!” her hand lifted to stop his counterargument, “Jemma has the same right. She is a good person, a beautiful person and she’s dedicated herself to helping people in the same way you protect them. She has the right to know her soulmate and to decide for herself if he is the kind of guy she wants to stay with. You have no right to keep that from her.”
He wanted to believe her, to listen and trust that she knew Jemma well enough, but still… “I can’t hurt her,” he whispered earnestly, “I can’t. It would destroy me.”
“Then don’t,” Skye said simply, “That’s all there is to it, just…don’t.”
Viciously biting his lower lip Clint shook his head in frustration and turned to pace a few steps away, “It’s not that easy Skye,” he disagreed, “I don’t exactly think most soulmates start out with the intent to hurt their other half.”
Skye shrugged, “Maybe, maybe not. But I can see that every part of you wants to protect her, I can sense that you are actually vibrating with the need to keep her safe, and I’ve seen the darkness of the words on her arm that tells me how protective you will be of her,” she didn’t move any closer but it suddenly felt like the whole apartment was a whole lot smaller, “And that desire to protect her is what you need to focus on, not the what ifs and maybes,” she did take a step forward this time, her eyes hardening a little, “You also need to be aware that Jemma is surrounded by people who would never allow you to hurt her the way you fear you might. I’d be willing to bet even your own team wouldn’t hesitate to put you in your place if you ever tried.”
Clint stared at her silently, not disagreeing or arguing, his mind turning over the possibilities and scenarios at a rapid pace. He still hadn’t come to a decision when the 1960’s Captain America cartoon theme song started playing from somewhere.
Grimacing apologetically Skye opened her clutch to pull out her phone to answer it, “DC!” she greeted, her voice warm, “We were just talking about you,” her head turned to stare at the door, “Uh-huh,” she nodded, glancing at Clint and Natasha before speaking again, “No, they both say their willing to hear you out. Yep…uh-huh…” she looked at Clint then, “He’s just stepping out of the elevator,” she told him softly, “Yeah, the one on the right. Okay, yes sir,” she hung up and then there was a knock.
“Show time,” Natasha murmured, rising to her feet and moving to the door.