Chapter Text
Our story opens in the living room of an apartment. Specifically, one of those freakishly huge sitcom apartments that no real person can actually afford. It is excitingly furnished, divided as it is almost precisely down the middle. The right half of the room is all white and chrome, very Ikea, and organized with all the flair of the life-long anal retentive. On that side, the sun shines bright and hot through an open window. The left half of the room, however, is furnished in red and black and earth tones. It is also an absolute wreck. In fact, there's...is that a whole pizza? There's a whole pizza on the floor. With anchovies. Eew.
Some furniture is clearly shared—the couch, the large flatscreen television (with DVR and Xbox), a coffee table covered with books about weaponry. Through the living room is a kitchen, and past that are the bedrooms and bathroom, which we can't see. There's some kind of commotion coming from that area, but nothing comprehensible.
There is a knock at the door.
The commotion in the back continues unabated.
Another knock at the door, and then it swings open slightly and a voice says, “Hello? I'm here about the ad? Seeking roommate?”
Nobody comes out to answer the door.
After a brief pause, the door swings open further and Tony Masters steps into the room. He looks around, taking in the décor with what would be most easily called disbelief, and then pulls back his hood and scratches the back of his head. He is not wearing his skull mask, though it is clearly visible sticking out of his back pocket. “Hello?”
The commotion in the back stills abruptly, and then returns louder than ever as Nate Summers and Wade Wilson emerge into the living room. Nate is...well, he's Cable, glowing eye and everything, and Wade is wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, Marvin the Martian boxers, and his Deadpool mask. They are arguing loudly.
“I'm throwing it out, Wade. It's disgusting, it's unsanitary, and it smells horrendous.”
“Hey, you can't do that! My side, my rules! Besides, I love that pizza!” Wade makes an obscene gesture and then turns to Tony, holding out his other hand. “Hi, you must be our new roommate!”
Tony shakes hands, awkwardly. “That was the...hope, yes.”
“I'm Wade! And that's Nate, he's a jerk sometimes. He wants to throw out my pizza. What's your name?”
“I'm Tony Masters. I, uh...” he pulled a script out of his back pocket, refers to it, and makes a disgusted face. “Oh, I do not work at the gym. Look, I'm a mercenary. I kill people for money.”
“That makes two of us, then!” Deadpool flings his arms open expansively, and the laugh track cues.
Nate puts a hand over his face. “...look. Wade. What's this all about?”
“What's what all about?”
“This...this whole...” he produces his own copy of the script and gestures with it. “I refuse to tell people that I work in IT. What's going on here?”
“Yeah. Seriously, Wade. What's up?”
They both fix Wade with steely glares, under which he slowly wilts. “I, uh...I talked to Franklin Richards? About making us into a sitcom? Come on, guys, it'll be fun! We can be roomies with big differences, but really we're all friends, and we have wacky problems that we solve with violence! I had the idea in another fic, I think it'd work great. Anyway, everyone else is here, take a look!”
Together the three of them go to the door and lean out into the hallway. The first thing to become obvious is that this is a really big apartment building. Down the hall, Scott Summers is leaning in a doorway, chatting with Emma Frost. In the other direction, cigar smoke curls out from underneath an apartment door that looks like it's seen three rounds with an angry mountain lion. The numbers are all in the tens, although they're in Roman numerals, so this is apparently the “Xth” floor.
As they look into hall other people start to emerge, mutants of all political and heroic affiliations. Where the hall turns we can hear other people coming out. Finally, Emma Frost, who is wearing an unnervingly sedate white v-neck sweater and white jeans—and seriously, they're not even low-rise, they've got a straight leg, they're mom jeans. And sneakers! White sneakers! Wait, what was I talking about? Emma Frost! Right. She rolls her eyes and says, “What happened? Did Wanda get a hangnail?” She looks down at herself in disgust. “I look like a suburban housewife trying to seduce a gym teacher.”
Scott looks vaguely offended. “A gym teacher?”
“While I can't fault your logic, my dear Miss Frost, I can't say that I think you're correct.” Erik Lehnsherr emerges from an apartment at the end of the hall, leaning heavily on a cane. “As I am neither ruling the world nor dying alone, I don't think we can ascribe this to my daughter.”
The chatter in the hall continues as everyone looks around, trying to figure out who could be responsible for the situation, and slowly all eyes find Deadpool. He waves cheerfully. “Hey everyone! It's totally me!” The laugh track cues again.
Nate and Tony pull him back into the apartment and close the door before anyone else can reach them.
“What?” he says—or rather, begins to whine. “Come oooon, it'll be fun. Think about it! It's like the normal world, except that it's a sitcom so nothing we do has consequences! We can do whatever we want and then next episode the slate is wiped completely clean! Isn't that awesome?”
There is a long pause, and then Nate says, “I think you're the only one who thinks that's good, Wade. Personally I think it's very important that our actions have consequences.”
“Spoilsport.”
“Look,” says Tony, mouth twisting. “If we don't go along with it for at least a few episodes he'll just bitch and moan and drive us both crazy. He'll get bored eventually, who the fuck could it hurt?”
Nate frowns. “I don't think you want me to answer that question.”
Wade pulls up his mask, clasps his hands in front of his chest, and makes the biggest, blinkiest, most velvet-paintingest puppy eyes he can manage. “Pleeeease?”
--
It's...The Deadpool Show!
Starring...Wade Wilson as Deadpool! Nathan Dayspring Askani'son Summers Angelina Francesca Bobesca Bananafana the Third as Cable! Tony Masters as Taskmaster! And many more!
With special guest...Shen Kuei! The Cat! (Man, maybe we'll get to see his tattoo!)
So the new guy moves into the Marvel Heights apartment complex, Building C, on a hot day in late September. He hasn't got a ton of stuff to move in, luckily, and in particular no furniture to speak of, which is lucky, because there isn't room for any more furniture in apartment XIII. Although it does raise the question of,
“Where do I sleep?”
“Not a problem!” Wade points to the door of one of the bedrooms—specifically, his own. “You'll sleep with me! Um, in a not-gay-at-all way, because I'm totally not gay. At all. And I can prove that to the next fifteen women who—”
“Wade.”
“Right, right, yeah. Anyway I got us bunkbeds! We can stay up late and have popcorn and watch movies and do hair and you know they show Golden Girls reruns at two in the morning?”
Tony sighs. “Wade, you don't have hair.”
Wade sniffs. “Well, you don't have to rub it in.”
Nate doesn't help with any of the moving, which is totally a dick move, what with all his telekinesis and everything. He just sits on his pristine end of the couch, rubbing his temples, drinking a massive protein shake and looking like he's seen better days.
As they're moving the last of Tony's bags in, there's a knock at the door. Tony answers it. His jaw drops. “...yes?”
A gorgeous redhead leans in, holding out her hand. “Hey, are you the new guy, then? I'm Theresa. I live across the hall.”
Tony shakes hands, dumbstruck. “I'm Tony.”
“We haven't met in the real world, right? It's Siryn. From X-Force. And that's my roommate Neena.” She gestures behind her to another gorgeous woman, this one with jet-black hair. “We figured that there ought to be a party, what with the whole new universe thing or whatever it is Wade's doing. Here.”
From her back pocket she produces a flyer, which she hands to Tony. It reads: Celebrate the new universe or continuity reboot or whatever! With liquor! Tonight at seven in the community center!
He peers at it. “We have a community center?”
“Apparently. I just put down what the script said. Anyway everyone's invited, and there's going to be pizza, so we don't even have to cook. Will you come?”
“Uh...sure. Whatever you say.”
Theresa beams at him. “All right! See you there!”
Behind her Neena waves and says, “See you later, boys,” as the door closes.
When the door is shut Tony turns back around, flyer in hand, to find Wade much, much closer than he was expecting. “Holy shit, Wade, what's wrong with you?”
“You...you...” Wade grabs the flyer from him. “You need to help me find something really nice to wear.”
The laugh track cues.
“Hey, shut up! I need to look nice!”
The laugh track continues and then is suddenly silenced as Wade gets frustrated, produces a gun from the back of his boxers, and points it at the camera. Startled, Tony grabs his wrist and forces the gun down. “Jesus, Wade. Calm the fuck down. I'll help you find something to wear.”
--
The community center is this weird little building in the middle of the courtyard or whatever you'd call it, surrounded on all sides by the four buildings of the Marvel Heights complex. There's a little node in one corner that's the superintendant's offices, which is where Mr. Kirby (the superintendant) very occasionally hangs out. (I hear that if you can catch him there and you know the code word you can get some good shit. Like, seriously good. Fourth World good.)
Anyway most of the community center is one big room, which is currently full of balloons, and there's a banner hanging from the ceiling that says “Happy new continuity!” on it, and a buffet along the back wall with three punch bowls and seven kinds of pizza (including a gluten-free one for Nightcrawler because otherwise he gets all weird). Everyone—or rather most of the inhabitants of the Xth floor—is there, trying desperately to mingle. Emma Frost even managed to find sexier clothes!
Wade has been successfully dissuaded from wearing his only tuxedo, and has compromised (as he puts it) by wearing a tuxedo t-shirt over his Deadpool costume. Tony and Nate are trying to keep it from looking like they came with him.
Their late arrival mainly results in a number of people all trying to converge on Wade at once. Kitty Pryde is at the front of these, and she looks pissed. “Deadpool, why am I back in college?”
He holds up both hands, beginning to back away from her. “Co-eds sell big time! I thought we could get a webcam, set up a little side business—”
“I was almost thirty in the normal continuity. And Jubilee is supposed to be my cousin?”
“Hey, now, that's a classic sitcom set-up by itself. Hot Asian cousin. We should work that angle a little more.”
“She's fifteen, you sicko.”
“You know, I always wished I had a sweet sixteen. The big dress, the fancy cake, the weird dress code for everyone else, getting to be a total control freak in front of everyone so they don't ruin my special day. It'd be nice, y'know? Being the center of attention.”
Logan pats him heavily on the shoulder. “You get gayer every day, Wade.”
“Hey, I am not—I'll prove it! Right here! Right now!”
Wade reaches for his belt and is promptly tackled by a number of concerned citizens.
Meanwhile, an even later arrival at the party is prompting an entirely different type of commotion, as a young Chinese man attempts to get to the pizza table without being intercepted. Undaunted, Jubilee jumps out in front of him. “Oh my god, are you Shen Kuei? The Cat?”
Shen Kuei nods.
“I'm a huge fan! Can I see your tattoo?”
He gives her a quick once-over, thinks about it, and says, “How old are you?”
She stands up slightly straighter. “Nineteen. And a half.”
Winking, he pulls open his shirt to reveal the tattoo on his chest. “If you want, later I can show you my other tattoo.”
At this point Logan and Scott materialize behind her, glance at each other unnerved, and then shake their heads in unison. Logan says, “She's fifteen, bub.”
“And she won't be seeing any more tattoos tonight.” Scott taps the side of his glasses meaningfully and then hauls the protesting Jubilee away.
This of course leaves Logan face to face with Shen Kuei. The Cat. Come to think of it, I'd love to spar with him. If you know what I mean. He is hot stuff. I'd wink, but it wouldn't really come across in text, would it? Visual bits in narration, doesn't really—oh, right. Logan is face to face with Shen Kuei. They size each other up, nod, and then adjourn to go kick the crap out of each other. Which will probably be both terrifying and sexy.
In another part of the room, Nate and Betsy Braddock are playing foosball. With powers. Foosball with powers is like normal foosball but with less yelling and more narrowed eyes. Victor Creed has started running a book.
And then the Avengers, the ones who mostly live in Building A and hang out in the penthouse, show up, and things just get really awkward. Tony Stark talks first, because he's always the guy who talks first. He's that guy. “Hey, everyone. We heard there was a continuity reboot party?”
It takes a minute for anyone to say anything, because, seriously, awkward, but then everyone starts talking at once because the Avengers are mostly cool and things become less awkward until Scott and Steve Rogers run into each other at the pizza table. Then it's all, “We won, get over it,” and “I'm still right,” and could they get any more alpha male?
“Hey, for a show about me, you're not really writing a lot about me! What gives?”
It's the pilot episode, Wade. We have to get everyone established. Scott lives right around the corner and he's really close to one of your roommates, so he's going to be turning up a lot. I have to seed subplots for future episodes. Anyway, while Scott and Steve are getting chesty at each other, everyone else is pretty much buddy-buddy in that way where they don't know each other very well so they're all trying to be friendly. The only other thing that's really awkward is that Pietro and Wanda are there, but they came with the Avengers, not with any of the mutants, and also Wanda's apparently a cat lady in this universe, so all she talks about are her cats but she calls them her babies. Man, I don't even know half the shit that's going on right now, and I'm the writer.
“Yeah, maybe you should wrap this up and we can get into the plot stuff next episode.”
Good idea, Wade.
“All my ideas are good ideas. For my next idea, I suggest that we set up a giant pit of lime Jello and get the ladies into some wrestling—”
End Credits.