Chapter Text
Jean had always thought he'd be good for Mikasa— Better than Eren, for sure.
He'd known Mikasa for five years, but it still felt like there was so much he didn’t know about her.
The day was grim, which meant they wouldn't be getting any training done that day.
Levi would probably recruit them to clean the barracks and the mess hall, Jean realised. He hoped to get teamed up with Mikasa.
He loved spending time with her. Mikasa never spoke much; she usually let the others do the conversation. But she’d answer when talked to. Mostly. Jean cherished their small talk, when they were putting on their gear in the sunrise before training.
And he’d heard her laugh, a soft laugh, whenever he passed the kitchens when she and Sasha were on cooking duties.
He’d had his fair share of fights with Sasha, in the past. Not as many fights as with Eren, but still enough that their superiors knew not to pair them off.
He’d become softer with her, though. Deep down, he knew that it was because she was one of the people Mikasa was most comfortable around.
He started dressing up, ruffled his hair up a bit. It was beginning to grow too long. He didn’t know whose help he should ask to trim it— last time he asked Connie, he almost had to chop it all off.
As he walked down the hall to get to the meeting room, he wondered if Mikasa would agree to give him a hand. She managed to keep her hairstyle nice and clean, and he’d only seen her with messed up hair on rare occasions.
When he pushed open the door and entered the large room, noise filled up his ears. Scattered conversations, mostly, with a few laughs here and there.
He scanned the room, saw Mikasa, Armin and Eren talking in a corner, then landed his eyes on Captain Levi and Squad Leader Hange.
Jean raised an eyebrow, wondering why both of them were present.
He took a glance at Misaka, just once, and moved to the front, where Christa and Sasha were talking in hushed voices.
“Hey, girls. Do you know what’s happening?”
They both turned to look at him at the same time, Sasha straightening up a little.
“Hi, Jean.” She peered at him, leaning towards him a little. “You have a pimple on your cheek.”
He frowned, reached to touch his skin by reflex. Christa giggled softly, her hand covering her mouth, and then told him,
“Nobody knows. They’ve been dead silent ever since they came in. I think they’re still waiting for a few people.”
Jean scanned the room quickly to see who was missing. Commander Smith wasn’t there, which should mean this meeting wasn’t as important as the stiff posture of the officers made it appear. Once he noticed that, Jean’s shoulders started loosening, releasing the tension he had unconsciously accumulated.
They kept on waiting for a few more minutes before Hange cleared her throat. Levi didn’t wait, took a few steps forward and started speaking, hands on his hips.
“Okay, you lot of brats. We have waited long enough, so let’s start without further ado. Erwin is not missing, by the way, he’s been requested for the final preparations.”
Jean’s stomach suddenly dropped.
“Life expectancy in the Survey Corps is rather low, which also means that our hierarchy is precarious.”
“Every few expeditions, we lose a fellow squad leader,” Hange went on, and Levi picked up where she ended again:
“After multiple tedious meetings, we decided to restructure the squads a little, and to promote a recruit from your team to a squad leader position.”
Jean couldn’t even glance around him to study the emotions on his companions’ faces, too absorbed by the intimidating aura of their Captain.
Hange took a step forward, taking a rolled paper out of her inner coat.
“To help us make our decision, two recruits will lead a mission, set up with what would become their own squad to see how they do on the field. The two candidates are Jean Kirschtein and Mikasa Ackerman.”
Jean didn’t have the time to process. He was already hearing low whistles and Levi was suddenly marching towards him to hand him a token of some sort. He mumbled a sort of congratulations, and Jean’s grin started spreading on his face. He turned, looking for Mikasa, and only saw a blank expression on her face.
He didn’t know what he was expecting from Mikasa, but the lack of enthusiasm kind of threw him off.
He thought at least that kind of opportunity would awake something in her. She’d always been a dutiful soldier, so he’d expected her to want to get promoted and become an officer of some sort. At least leave a mark for the Survey Corps.
He didn’t have time to see the look on Eren or Armin’s face, because Levi’s voice snapped him back to reality.
‘’You’ll be both expected in the Commander’s office at nine tomorrow, so don’t go heavy on the drinking tonight.’’
Jean lowered his eyes, because he knew the advice was directed at him; the only alcohol he’d ever seen Mikasa drink was cider, and that was only on rare occasions.
Then they were all dismissed, indeed put on cleaning duty, and people left the room in groups.
He got paired with Bertholt to scrub the washing rooms. A befitting task for a potential future squad leader, he thought wryly.
Jean had always been the type to boast, truthfully. Not as much now that he was older, but it still happened on occasions. Especially when he’d been sipping on ale.
They were all in the mess hall, meals already long eaten, but the other soldiers had convinced him to stay a bit longer to share drinks. He hadn’t really put up a fight, after all. His possible promotion was occasion enough to have a beer, if you asked him.
Then he shouldn’t have been surprised the morning after when he woke up with a splitting headache. He cursed himself, knowing full well he should’ve drunken way more water after he broke off with his companions. Only, fatigue had caught up to him and he had fallen asleep almost instantly after undressing in the barracks.
Fortunately, his mouth wasn’t parched like it usually was when he was hungover. It meant that he should get better after a glass of fresh water and a fulfilling breakfast.
He put on his nicest boots— the ones that hadn’t been tattered by rain and mud yet, keeping in mind he would officially meet with his Commander shortly.
He didn’t see Mikasa at breakfast, which was a bit surprising. She’d always been serious about diet and sleep, and that clearly paid off; one only had to look for a second to see that she was fit and strong.
Maybe she was feeling a bit anguished, after all, and her stomach was too in knots to eat.
A small, wry smile appeared on his lips— he hadn’t yet realised that he would be in competition with Mikasa. Not only that, but they would never be part of the same squad.
His heart tugged at him for half a second before he focused again. His true focus should be his future in the Survey Corps. He’d always been an ambitious young boy, and he wouldn’t let a crush deter his resolve.
When he walked to the Commander’s office, Mikasa was already waiting, arms solemnly crossed behind her back, face neutral.
He greeted her, and she nodded at him. He wished he knew what to say to her in that moment, how to make their interaction last longer. But she turned her face to the door again, and he settled behind her, in the same position.
When the clock struck nine, the door to the Commander’s office opened immediately.
Erwin had his usual pleasant smile plastered on his face, and he motioned them in. Levi was lurking in a corner of the room, arms crossed across his chest.
Jean instinctively straightened up, his temples throbbing a little less now than when he’d woken up.
“Oy, Kirschtein, have you been drinking?”
Colour seeped from his face altogether. How did he…?
“Let him be, Levi,” Erwin said in a gentle but chiding tone, “he was right to celebrate. I think you went quite rowdy the night you were promoted, too.”
Levi set his lips in a thin line, not trying to hide his dissatisfied frown, but Erwin went on.
“Rest, you both. You may take a seat while I explain the conditions of your mission.”
Jean let Mikasa sit first, and took the second chair at her side.
“With the help of the squad leaders who have come to know you and see you on the field, we have made a squad selection for the both of you. The goal here is to create an efficient and fast-moving scouting squad. We trust in both of your abilities to be good scouters—now, the part we can’t decide on is who will most successfully conduct a team.
Erwin turned slightly to look at Jean directly.
“Jean, for the time being we’ll put Connie Springer, Max Mayfield and Jason Sturd on your squad; making it one green boy and two seasoned soldiers at your side.”
He turned to Mikasa. “Mikasa, on your squad you’ll have Ymir Fritz, Paula Dale and Gregory Polk.” He stopped for half a second, but Mikasa had already taken her chance to interrupt him.
“What about Eren—”
“Oy, Ackerman.” Levi’s tone was like steel, and he didn’t look amused, not at all.
Mikasa’s face was livid. Jean couldn’t help it—his hand tightened into a fist. He couldn’t believe Mikasa could be so immature at times.
We’re talking officer promotion, and she was still most concerned about Eren?
He could see the confusion on their Commander’s face as well.
“Mikasa. Eren’s already on Levi’s squad, and that’s how it’s been working for the past few months. I’d rather see him under his squad… I think you understand the reasoning behind that.”
Mikasa didn’t reply. The three men looked at each other in silence, until Erwin finally broke the silence.
“Well, if you don’t have anything to add regarding the squad arrangements, let’s move on to the mission in itself.”
He pulled out a rolled up map from one of his drawers, and spread it across the desk. He tapped his pen on a cross, drawn in red ink on the map.
“Jean, here’s the spot you’ll be going to. We passed by it once and thought it would be a good retreat spot, but we don’t have all the parameters we need in order to launch that operation. You should look for hills, trees, any hidden passageways, river tracks. See if it would be a safe place to stop half a hundred soldiers. We’ll expect a detailed report once you come back.”
Jean nodded, his heart beating fast.
“Yes, sir. I will do my best to successfully achieve this mission.”
Erwin handed him a thin file, probably a recap of what he’d just explained. Jean clutched it close to his chest, probably looking awkwardly solemn. But he was feeling proud in that instant, proud to have been chosen to push the Survey Corps closer to their goals.
“Mikasa, your mission is going to be a different kind of scouting. There are silos scattered outside Wall Rose, presumably filled with supplies that could benefit us. I need you to bring your squad safely here,” he pointed to a blue cross on the map, a few kilometres away from Jean’s point. “Then you’ll have to find a way to check the silo’s contents and make an itemised list. In addition, find a safe route back to the walls, one where the cargos will be able to pass without problem.”
“Yes, sir,” Mikasa answered, her tone barely above a whisper.
Erwin didn’t flinch before Mikasa’s obvious lack of enthusiasm. He gave her her file, told them they’d go over their respective plans in two days, and then dismissed them.
Once the door closed behind them, Mikasa started walking towards the exit without looking back.
Jean made a motion towards her, but thought better of it. Instead, he simply called,
“Mikasa.”
She stopped in her tracks but didn’t turn around.
“Don’t.”
A silence stretched between them, but she didn’t resume walking just yet.
“Do you want to spar in the yard?”
He noticed she hunched a little, but then she turned to him and managed the tiniest of smiles.
“Let’s do it.”
Sparring with Mikasa was mostly just him holding up pans while she kicked at them with full force. She never missed and hit him instead though, so it didn’t bother him.
After they trained long enough that Mikasa’s sweat was rolling down her face, they stopped.
He gave her his water flask, and she almost emptied it.
“Mikasa.”
She eyed him, looking unsure. They hadn’t talked much during training, and Jean had a feeling Mikasa wanted to keep it that way.
To his surprise, she didn’t shut him down.
“What is it?”
He didn’t really expect her to be willing to talk to him, so he found himself dumbfounded for a moment, not knowing what to actually say.
“Are you excited about the mission?” is the best he managed. He cringed.
Mikasa held his gaze for a second, like she knew that’s not what he wanted to say.
“I don’t know if excited is the word. But I will accomplish the mission as dutifully as I can.”
He nodded slowly, trying to find a way to build up the conversation.
“Why do you think they didn’t put any girl on my squad?”
She shrugged, looking thoroughly uninterested.
“And why do you think they didn’t risk putting Eren on yours?”
Her eyes flashed to him, looking guarded all of a sudden.
“They know I’d be more concerned about his well-being than the mission,” she stated matter-of-fact.
His eyebrows raised in surprise. He didn’t expect her answer to be so honest.
Jean had never known if Mikasa truly was aware of the way she acted around Eren. Now he did.
He managed a little, polite smile, and agreed, “Yes, that’s probably the reason why.”
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I’m far from him,” she said, looking absent-minded, as if the thought had escaped her.
He managed to maintain a neutral facial expression, but the desire to roll his eyes was strong.
How could a woman so capable be so dependent on someone so brash, so reckless, so inattentive?
“He’ll be here when you return, Mikasa. It’s just a matter of a day or two.”
She looked at him as if his voice had just snapped her back to reality. She smiled at him, a tight smile that said, “You don’t get it”, and he probably didn’t. Then she said she was going to wash up, and she left.
The moment was gone. He cursed himself; why was he disappointed that she was leaving? The only thing they had talked about was Eren. Nothing to be excited about.
He spent the next day working on his mission plan rather than training outside with the others. It felt a bit weird to be doing paperwork while the others were sweating their asses off outside.
He let his mind wander for a moment, thinking about having to do that every day if he did become squad leader—he wouldn’t really mind. Training was fun and all, but he liked the peace of being in an office.
Except now he was getting stuck on a certain part of his plan, and couldn’t seem to find a solution. He wanted his proposal to look perfect on paper and right now something wasn’t working.
He considered going to Mikasa for help, but decided against it. She probably was deep in concentration, as well, and he didn’t want to disturb her.
Plus, the thought of her supervising his work made him kind of shy.
He went to Armin instead, at lunchtime, because he knew the boy would gladly trade running around the barracks for some mind work.
Obviously, the boy was sitting with Mikasa and Eren, but fortunately Christa, Reiner and Bertolt were sitting at the same table, so Jean didn’t feel awkward setting his tray down on the other side of the table.
He took some spoonfuls of soup in silence before he questioned Armin directly.
“Hey Armin, do you think you could give me a hand after lunch for my mission proposal? I think there are some bits that could use your good eyes.”
Armin glanced at Mikasa, and it lasted for a second, really, but Jean still caught the look. He was ready to get defensive already, tell him it was fine, he could manage alone, but Armin beat him to it and said,
“No problem, Jean, I’ll go over your proposal. Do you want to meet at one thirty in front of Hange’s office?”
“Let’s do that,” Jean replied in a sulky tone. It was childish, but the reminder that he didn’t have an office of his own yet put pressure on him all of a sudden. He really wanted to become squad leader; and yet a part of him wished he could be a part of Mikasa’s squad, his wingman she could rely on. But that would never happen.
He stopped eating—the thought had ruined his appetite.
He went directly back to his appointed office, honing the last points he had hastily written before lunch. He didn’t want to give something incomplete to Armin, but since he was stuck…
Armin knocked on his door, and he turned his head to look in its direction, taken aback—time went by fast.
Armin wore a gentle warm smile on his face, as he usually did, and he took a seat opposite to Jean.
“Are you ready to show me?” He set his elbows on the desk, looking at him through his bangs.
“I think I am,” he pushed the cluster of papers in Armin’s direction, and the blonde boy looked at him with a raised brow.
“Jean.” He tapped the edges of the pages to align them, “you’ll have to be tidier if you become squad leader.”
He didn’t add anything to his chiding, and started scanning through the pages.
Jean waited, biting his thumbnail. He thought he had done pretty well, but seeing Armin’s creased brows made him second-guess his work.
Armin didn’t have a lot to say, though, it was mostly grammar mistakes and unclear phrasing.
They reviewed his proposal and fixed his mistakes in less than an hour, so when Jean finally set the stack of papers down on his desk, he found himself asking,
“Say, Armin, why do you think they didn’t put any girl on my squad?”
The boy gave a low chuckle and started to stand up.
“Jean, you’re too immature to have a woman on your squad. You’d let your ego take over reason.”
Jean’s cheeks darkened. He didn’t know why people perceived him that way… He had never shown interest in any of their female comrades, except for Mikasa. And he wasn’t even close to being as brash as she was when around Eren.
“Is that all then? Or did you need my help with something else?”
Jean hesitated, before he finally asked, “Have you talked to Mikasa? How is she faring?”
A quizzical look flashed across Armin’s face. Everything in his body language showed he was uncomfortable.
He made a tentative step in Jean’s direction, and began, “I think it’s all a bit overwhelming, but she’ll be as serious with this as she is with everything else.”
“And about Eren?”
Armin eyed him up, and offered him a nod and an awkward smile, his own way to say that the conversation was over.
The next day, they both submitted their plans to their Commander.
Levi and Hange were both present on either of his sides. Jean felt a bit intimidated, knowing his superiors would evaluate his work, but he tried his best not to show it.
He managed to catch a glimpse of Mikasa’s proposal, but he couldn’t really make out the words. The only thing he could clearly notice was her neat handwriting, and he realised he had never seen the way she wrote. That made him a bit happy; he felt closer to her somehow.
Erwin dismissed them shortly after. He would summon them back early in the evening to review their plans together. Jean wasn’t used to working in the evening—usually, that was the only time off soldiers had.
He spent the rest of his day doing his usual activities, and dinnertime came around quickly. He sat with Connie and his friends, some soldiers he hadn’t really talked to before. They were already teasing him about his potential promotion, but he accepted the playful banter easily.
When they left to go play in the common room, Jean said his goodbyes and headed to the officers’ quarters.
Mikasa was already there; it wasn’t a surprise. She usually didn’t linger at mealtimes, focused solely on eating.
She was more diligent than he was, in general. Thinking about it gave him sweaty hands; the higher-ups had probably noticed it, too.
“Hey Mikasa.”
“Hi Jean.”
Was it him, or had their exchanges become stiffer since they had started competing against each other?
But again, maybe he was just being skittish because of the situation.
He didn’t have the time to dwell on this more, because the door to the office opened and they were invited in.
They sat in the exact same way as the first time, with Erwin facing them and Levi hiding in his shadow.
“Good evening to you both. We’ll go over Mikasa’s proposal first, then we’ll review Jean’s.”
He extended his hand and took Mikasa’s file from one of his drawers, and Jean felt cold shivers running down his spine.
Was he going to review their plans with the both of them present…? He didn’t know why that stressed him out so much; after all, he was pretty confident in what he had produced, but knowing that Mikasa would hear every potential remark the Commander would make on his proposal made him feel queasy.
He was so deep in thought that he almost missed Erwin’s voice reading Mikasa’s proposal aloud.
He whipped his head at Mikasa, who didn’t look fazed at all.
A small admiring smile took over his lips; he loved that confidence. Or was it nonchalance?
When Erwin was done reading, he put the file down and turned to Jean, his hands joined together on the cedar desk.
“Kirschtein, what do you think? What would you add to that project?”
He probably looked as lost as he was feeling. He sat up in his chair, feeling the need to clear his throat—but he refrained himself. He couldn’t humiliate himself in front of his officers and Mikasa.
“Um. I think the plan is clear and precise enough that it will not endanger the soldiers’ lives. Also the formation seems well thought-out and appropriate for a group of four.”
“Good,” Erwin answered, and gave the file back to Mikasa. “Let’s see yours, Jean.”
The Commander then took Jean’s file, who waited as he scanned the pages. He kept his gaze fixed on him as he began reading the contents of the file aloud, not daring to look at Captain Levi or Mikasa.
Erwin then turned to Mikasa the same way he had done with Jean.
“Ackerman, what are your thoughts on this?”
“I don’t think they should separate once they get to the spot. The mission would have to take longer, but it’ll be safer if they don’t split. Only if necessary, split into two groups of two rather than heading four different routes.” She thought for a second, and added, “Also, I don’t think the reinforcement construction timeline is realistic; this part of the operation should maybe be postponed until the site has been thoroughly analysed.”
Erwin barely managed to contain his grin. He turned to Jean and gave him the file back with warm eyes.
“I think you know what you have to do, Kirschtein. I expect the modified proposal to be on my desk tomorrow at nine.”
The commander dismissed them, and Jean had probably never felt so humiliated.
Mikasa left without looking back at him. Jean was feeling defeated—not only was he humiliated, but now he had to go back to the office and pull an all-nighter in order to respect the deadline imposed by his Commander.
He reread his proposal, and even though Mikasa’s remarks made more and more sense as he kept reading, he still felt a petty need to be sulky.
Even if there had been something sketchy in Mikasa’s proposal, he probably wouldn’t have pointed it out as bluntly as she had.
He kept rewriting bits and rereading the entire thing, so many times that after two or three hours it didn’t make that much sense anymore.
He had definitely fallen asleep at some point, because he was shaken awake by Hange’s hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, Kirschtein, did you fall asleep on my desk?” She was beaming. “Welcome to the world of officers.”
“Huh?” He rubbed his eyes, still feeling a bit dizzy. “Squad Leader Hange, what time is it?”
“It’s a quarter past eight, you missed reveille. And breakfast.” She peered at him and the documents on the desk. “Now can I get my office back? I have a few things I need to work on myself.”
He gazed at her, probably looking like a kicked puppy.
“Squad Leader Hange, please, just give me half an hour, I’m just finishing this proposal… I have to give it to Erwin at nine and…”
She chuckled.
“Don’t panic, Kirschtein. We’ve all fallen asleep on our work. Be quick though, Levi will only let me bug him for so long.”
Jean gave her a grateful smile, and promised he’d be quick.
He had a hard time focusing at first, though, because he usually drank tea when he woke up.
With relief, he noted that he had almost finished the proposal before falling asleep.
He made a few corrections and left the office, leaving the door slightly ajar so Hange would understand the room was unoccupied.
He shuffled to the Commander’s office, nervous like he was about to get his yearly assessment.
He knocked on the door, and entered upon hearing Erwin’s voice replying. He was almost surprised to see Levi wasn’t there; the two men spent so much time together it almost looked weird when they didn’t.
“Commander,” he saluted, “I have come to show you my new mission proposal.”
Erwin smiled his polite smile, and beckoned him over. “Let us see that, then.”
He scanned through the pages, humming from time to time, and set the file down after a few minutes.
“Much better.”
Jean didn’t dare smile; his plan hadn’t been good from the beginning, so that wasn’t a real victory.
“Kirschtein, after you left yesterday, did you think I would double-think my choice to put you as a candidate?”
Jean probably looked pained. He hadn’t pushed the thought so far…
“You know, written proposals are a thing, but the execution seldom flows as smoothly as on paper. Just because Mikasa’s proposal didn’t compromise any flaw, it doesn’t mean her plan will go without a hitch. Give that some thought,” he started fumbling for something in one of his drawers, which probably meant Jean had permission to leave.
He felt the fatigue fall on him as soon as he left the office, and decided he deserved a little break, if a nap wasn’t possible.
He passed by the sanitary facilities on his way to the dormitory, and heard some weird noise.
He slowed down, trying to make out the noise—it sounded a lot like a cough, as if someone was on the verge of retching.
But Connie interrupted his train of thought; he sneaked up on Jean and threw his arm over his shoulders.
“What’s up, Squad Leader Kirschtein?”
Jean rolled his eyes; his friends had already taken a liking to calling him squad leader. Deep down, he appreciated the support, kind of, but it would still be embarrassing if someone were to overhear the playful nickname.
“Shh. I think someone’s throwing up in there.”
Connie made a disgusted face.
“Ew, Jean. It’s probably a soldier who’s had too much to drink—come on, I was gonna see what Reiner’s up to. I still want him to teach me how to play chess.”
Jean scoffed, “You’re too stupid to play chess, baldhead,” and he playfully pulled him into a headlock.
They went to the common room in search of Reiner, and found all the boys playing cards together. The only one missing was Armin.
They joined the group and spent most of the morning playing.
There was no expedition planned yet, and it showed. They were all more relaxed, less adamant about training. Even the few officers that passed by didn’t reprimand them.
Armin finally showed up, and Eren instantly beamed at him.
“Armin! Where have you been? I wanted to team up with you.”
Jean saw Armin’s hands tighten into fists; at least he thought that’s what he saw. He wasn’t so sure because it seemed so… unlike Armin. Especially towards Eren.
“I’m in no mood to play, sorry. I think I’m gonna head to the library and read some.”
They all nodded at him, and turned back to the game without a second thought.
Next time he saw Mikasa, she looked almost sick. Was it the lack of sleep? He thought back of the person retching in the toilet stall—maybe there was a virus going around and Mikasa had caught it.
“Mikasa, want to spar?”
She looked seriously taken aback. Either she thought she was being inconspicuous, or she knew she looked tired as hell and didn’t understand how he could even entertain the thought of her doing anything physical.
“Not today, Jean. Maybe another time.”
Her tone was neutral, but he felt dismissed. Like she would even decline him if he were to suggest playing cards or sitting around a cup of tea. Not that he would ever suggest that; he wouldn’t know what to say to her.
He liked her, he truly did, but he didn’t know what to talk about with her, beyond training and military stuff. That was pathetic.
They both resumed walking in opposite directions, but before she could get out of his field of vision, he saw her trip. Mikasa never tripped, Mikasa never lost control of her body.
He hurried at her side, ready to help her in case she fell. She just gave him a weary look.
“I’m fine, Jean. I just tripped.”
That’s the issue, Jean thought. He didn’t dare offer to escort her to her room.
“Take it easy, Mikasa. The mission’s not before another week.”
She gave him a tiny, unconvinced smile. “You’re right.”
The week passed by quickly; in truth, all Jean did was train, meet with his assigned squad, and review his plan to make sure everything would go smoothly once they’d be out on the field.
He found himself liking his new routine.
He thought about Mikasa meeting with her squad and wondered how she was doing in that kind of setting.
The day of their mission departure, they all gathered in the yard. Almost everyone was there to watch them go, except the ones that were on guard duty.
Jean joined his squad, all of them clad in ODM gear. He looked around, and was surprised to see Mikasa was missing. They wouldn’t leave before another hour, but it was weird she wasn’t there.
He heard Jason snickering behind him,
“I heard they found her outside Eren’s door, asleep on the floor with his shabby old scarf wrapped around her neck.”
Jean whipped around, looking at him disdainfully.
“Hey, stop talking shit.”
He wanted to hit him at that moment. Mikasa was commonly misunderstood, but she was respected for her skills, so people usually didn’t dare talk shit about her.
Apparently, Jason hadn’t gotten the memo.
Jason put his hands up defensively, “Hey, it’s just what I heard. Why do you think she’s not here, then?”
Jean rolled his eyes and scanned the yard in search of Armin or Eren. He couldn’t find any of the two. His heart sank a little, although their absence didn’t mean Jason’s absurd story was real.
He wanted to go to the main hall, ask people, search for the trio himself. But he had to stay with his squad.
Eventually, she appeared, the two boys at her sides.
Erwin and Levi emerged from the main building as well.
Armin turned towards them and bowed, “We’re sorry, Captain, Commander.”
It was probably all formality, since they had emerged from the same door—the two officers must have known what was going on.
Armin went on, still addressing their officers, “Mikasa was feeling nauseous. She ate some bread and feels better now.”
He was talking loud enough that people around the yard could hear him, and Jean understood he wanted to clear any rumour that might have been going on.
Jean was surprised, though. He knew about Mikasa’s splitting headaches, but he didn’t recall her complaining about nausea before.
He looked at her, and couldn’t help but feel worried. She didn’t look that pale compared to that one time he had passed her coming the other way in the corridor, but her usual fierceness didn’t show through.
The ruckus caused by Mikasa’s absence soon died down, and they resumed the preparations.
Mikasa’s squad was silently talking, probably catching up with their leader.
After a while, Erwin gave a speech of some sort—out of formality, really, because the expedition was not a huge-scale mission. He wished the best to the two candidates and their squads and reminded them of the security procedures.
Jean was there, but it felt as if he was witnessing the scene from afar. His heart was thumping so loud in his chest it almost felt like he was departing for his first mission all over again.
The hooves of the horses drew out all the rest, and he was soon facing a vast expanse of land, all his to explore.
He caught sight of Mikasa’s squad going the opposite way, and he made a silent prayer for everything to go well for her, too.
They galloped for a good hour, and Jean had never felt that tense outside the walls.
He knew he had to be the one on his guard, ready to face any kind of predicament.
He felt so anxious they had to stop after another hour, just so he could breathe in and breathe out a few times. He obviously didn’t tell his squad the reason for their little impromptu break.
They stopped at mid-point for the night, and Jean felt a tiny surge of pride—everything was going according to plan for the time being. He had even managed to make them stop in the perimeter he had deemed the safest for them to spend the night.
It somehow made him feel better, knowing that he was looking up at the same stars as Mikasa.
They took rounds to keep the camp safe, of course. When his turn came, Jean felt a pang of loneliness. Spending two hours alone in the cold, watching over sleeping comrades somehow awakened some sort of blue feeling in him.
When Connie’s turn to keep watch came, Jean didn’t go to sleep immediately.
Connie nudged him with his foot.
“Go to sleep, squad leader. You’re the one we have to follow tomorrow,” he chided him.
Jean hummed, but didn’t make to move. He simply continued to stare into the vast blackness.
“Hey. Jean.”
“Connie, don’t you think it’s funny?”
Connie lifted an eyebrow, probably readying himself for one of Jean’s spiritual bout of thoughts.
“I’ve always cheered on Mikasa, secretly, for her to become squad leader. I’ve always seen her go far in the military. But now, I’m the one that’s jeopardising her career.”
Connie let out a loud sigh.
“Cut the bullshit, Jean. You’re not jeopardising nobody; you’re working for your own achievements, that’s what you’re doing. If Mikasa is meant to become an officer, she will eventually, even if you’re the one that gets picked this time.”
Then he sneered at him, “Thank God I’m not that dense when it comes to women. What did she do to you, anyways, for you to like her like that?”
Jean smiled, a little. It was very much like Connie not to understand that his feelings ran deeper than that, that whatever she might have done or not done, he would have fallen anyways.
“Don’t fall asleep on us, Springer. Wake me up first.” He stood up, dusted off his pants, and went to lay next to his squad members on the soft earth.
The two hours of sleep went by so quickly that Jean had to blink a few times to chase the drowsiness away when Connie shook his shoulder.
“Oy, squad leader, get a move on,” Jason teased him, and Jean tensed up. Ever since he had made that shady remark about Mikasa, Jean was rather unhappy with him; it was a pity, because he had been satisfied with his assigned squad until then.
“Okay guys, let’s go.” He saddled his horse and got the group going. Riding and paying attention to both potential danger and the scenery was no easy task. Plus, Jean wasn’t a visual person. They had to trot most of the time, instead of the light gallop the Survey Corps usually adopted. He knew he couldn’t afford missing crucial information.
The thought of the Corps undergoing hazard because of his inattention sent a shiver through him.
He could not afford to do a half-assed job.
He bore that thought in mind all day, looking for hidden passages, dead ends, narrow paths…
They finally reached the retreat spot an hour before dusk.
In fact, they had skirted around it most of the day, but that’s what the scouting was about.
The retreat spot actually was a half-collapsed tower, and they had to look for at least five minutes before they spotted an opening big enough for them to go through.
Of course, their refuge was far from being cosy. It could be a good retreat spot, yes, but they’d need to clear all the rubble out the way first.
As it was, the four soldiers could barely find space to lie down. At least Jean was confident the roof wouldn’t collapse on them; what remained of the building was sure to be sturdy if it had resisted until then.
Jean spent most of the night writing at candlelight, indexing everything he had noticed that could be of help for the Commander.
He was anxious they wouldn’t get enough time to finish the scouting thoroughly and go back to Wall Rose before nightfall the next day. They could gallop through most of the day this time, though, making them gain considerable time.
He made sure to go to sleep immediately after Max woke up to replace him. His lack of sleep would be certain to fail him at some point. He didn’t have much to talk about with the boy, anyways.
He woke up feeling cold and groggy, and in need of a cup of tea. Needless to say he didn’t have anything to make one.
They ate salted ham instead, and then saddled their horses to get going. Jean couldn’t explain the relief he felt— they hadn’t encountered a single titan yet, had only caught sight of their enormous and grotesque heads through the treeline. As he helped Max put on his gear, he gave a silent thanks to whatever deity was out there, because putting a green boy to the test was not part of his plans.
Jean took more time than he thought to finish the scouting. So much that he had to make them gallop especially fast through fields to ensure they would get to the wall before nightfall. The days were shortening, and Jean had blundered his evaluation of how much sunlight they would get.
The four men reached the gate feeling sweaty and out of breath. Jean made sure to apologise to them before they gave off the signal for the soldiers inside to open the gate for them.
He wanted to curse himself; this wasn’t the image he wanted his squad to have of him. They all looked relieved to be back home, though, so they didn’t show any sign of resentment towards Jean.
A few soldiers were waiting for them in the yard, in the disguise of sparring. Jean could see right through them, though, because some of them were his friends and they stopped their training as soon as he dismounted.
He greeted them, but informed them that he wouldn’t have the time to debrief with them. Not just yet.
His priority right now was to put everything he had seen and noticed on paper. He didn’t want his memories to escape him, and felt they would be more reliable if he were to write them while they were still fresh.
He isolated himself in Hange’s office, although he wasn’t really alone— The officer had to finish some things of her own, so she spared him a little table in lieu of a desk.
They didn’t talk, the only sound filling the room was the scratching of their pens on paper or the splotching noise the ink made when they dipped their pens in it.
After two hours of writing and reporting the notes he had taken in the broken tower, he decided to give himself a break. He would reread everything later, before handing it over to the Commander. He was pretty satisfied with himself, but doubt remained. He didn’t know how the mission had gone for Mikasa, so he couldn’t say if his report was enough to take over first place.
Speaking of— he had spent most of the evening hauled up in Hange’s office, so he hadn’t heard any news of Mikasa’s return. He decided to head to the mess hall; he was feeling suddenly hungry, and he thought he could maybe catch a glimpse of her there.
Maybe ask her how the expedition went. Share a couple words on how it felt to lead a group.
However, his plans fizzled out as he entered the hall— Mikasa, nor any of her squad members, were nowhere to be seen. Armin and Eren weren’t there either. Jean arched a brow. Would they skip dinner to go recap together?
Jean munched on his bread, still preoccupied by Mikasa’s absence. What’s more, none of her squad members appeared, and dinner hours were nearing their end.
Many of his comrades were missing as well, though, so he tried not to read too much into it.
He exited the mess hall feeling satiated and ready to finish off his report, when he caught sight of a teary-eyed Christa walking down the corridor.
“Hey, Christa!”
The blonde girl looked up, looking lost and forlorn.
“Jean, you’re back,” she almost cried out, and he was taken aback.
He had never known how to deal with distressed people.
“Of course, what’s the matter?”
“Mikasa and Ymir still aren’t back,” she moaned, “I don’t know what’s happened; I can’t find any of the higher-ups.” She took a shaky breath. “What if something happened to them?”
“Ymir told me not to worry,” she almost wailed.
Jean himself didn’t know how to react; he felt like he had been doused in iced water.
He had spent his entire evening as if everything was normal, not knowing that Mikasa still hadn’t made it back?
He felt awfully bad, and his heart clenched painfully.
His head started spinning; how was he supposed to soothe Christa if he started panicking as well?
“They might not be back yet because of the weather,” he answered, and it was as if he wasn’t the one speaking. The serenity he exuded was out of character, like he didn’t know what could be the implications behind their absence.
It had started to pour outside, the sound of droplets hitting the high windows resonating in the hallway.
She looked at him with big, hopeful eyes.
I'm not your anchor. I’m sinking too.
“Let’s look for Erwin or the Captain first.”
She followed him, looking like the ghost of herself.
Even Hange wasn’t in her office anymore.
He decided they should head outside – although it was dark and rainy, and there probably wasn’t a welcome committee waiting out there anyways.
They came out and it was dark save for the stables, which were lit by faint torchlight. He ran to them, covering his face from the rain the best he could. He did not know if Christa was following him or not.
He entered the stables and stopped on the threshold, startled by what was happening.
Captain Levi was trying to mount his mare, and Erwin was blocking him, pinching his nose in what looked a lot like annoyance.
Jean had never seen that kind of expression on his face.
“Captain?”
Erwin was the first to turn to look at him.
“What are you doing out here, Jean?”
“What about you? I’ve been looking all over for the both of you.”
Levi scowled at him, unhappy with his tone.
“Captain Levi was trying to sneak out on his own to go look for Mikasa and her squad. I was trying to reason with him.”
Jean looked quickly between the two of them—the situation felt realer, now that his officers were involved too.
“I’ll go with you,” he blurted out. Hadn’t even processed the thought, really.
Levi hissed at him. “Now’s not the time to play the hero, Kirschtein. You’ll slow me down.”
Jean swallowed back his pride.
“I’ll cover you, Captain. I’ll give my heart if it means bringing back Mikasa and the others alive.”
The Captain and Commander exchanged a look.
“If I understand clearly, I now have two great soldiers attempting suicide?”
Jean flinched. He knew how it seemed. But he couldn’t stay here, waiting for them to eventually come back.
“I remind you, Jean, I’m still waiting for your report. Your deadline hasn’t changed—I’ll be expecting the report on my desk tomorrow morning.”
Jean exhaled. Of course his Commander wasn’t going to let him go that easily.
He had already written most of it, thankfully.
“My report is ready, Commander. I’ll ask Connie to deliver it to your office after reveille tomorrow.”
“And how are you going to let him know about this task? The Captain seems to be in a bit of a hurry, he will not wait for you.”
Christa’s voice came from the door, “I”ll deliver the report myself, Commander. Did you leave it on Squad Leader Hange’s desk, Jean?”
“Not her desk, the adjourned table,” he answered, probably sounding deeply thankful. He was.
Erwin gave a sigh.
“As long as you know this could affect your markings, I won’t stop you, unless the Captain asks you to.”
Levi raised his brows in mild surprise—he probably didn’t expect Erwin to give in so easily.
“You have five minutes to saddle your horse, Kirschtein, or I’ll be leaving without you.”
From there, everything happened in a flash. The icy cloak on his shoulders, the soldiers opening the doors for them. The way the Captain sprinted right out of the gate, the wind slashing at him.
He didn’t even know how the Captain intended to find them; they were two soldiers, galloping in the middle of the night. The sound of the horses’ hooves was almost inaudible compared to the spattering rain. The only tangible sign of their presence out there was the dim light of the oil lamps hung around the horses’ necks.
After a few miles, Levi fired what seemed to be a blue flare out of nowhere. Jean had never seen one of those.
He called out, “Captain?”
Levi stopped a few meters away.
“Listen closely, Kirschtein.”
He waited for about a minute and fired another flare. This time, Jean heard the faint sound that accompanied the flare.
He guessed those flares were to be used exclusively at night, when titans were mostly dormant.
They waited in silence, and Jean eventually noticed that the rain was stopping.
He was taken out of his train of thought by a noise, quite similar to the one Levi’s flare had made.
Levi didn’t wait and put his heels to his horse, spurring the mare into a gallop again.
He fired another flare as he galloped in the direction of the sound. Then another faint sound reached their ears.
This time, Levi didn’t hesitate and galloped over the slope of a hill.
Trees suddenly surrounded them, and he shouted. “Ackerman!” Jean joined him, calling Mikasa’s name.
The sound of the next flare came right from above, then. Jean hurriedly retrieved the lamp from around his horse’s neck, and flashed it to the treeline above.
His breath caught in his throat. “Captain,” he cried out.
There was Mikasa. She looked weak, and Jean couldn’t tell if her pained features were accentuated by the shadows the light projected.
“Oi, Ackerman, can you get down from there yourself?”
Mikasa was slumped against the bark of the tree, legs dangling on either side of a branch.
She held the flare loosely in her hand, her finger still curled around it.
“I don’t think she can, Captain.” He projected his grapple to the tree. “I’m gonna get her.”
He flew instantly and landed messily on a branch near Mikasa.
“Mikasa? Are you alright?”
She lifted her glassy eyes to look at him. His heart swelled. Although he kept repeating to himself, she isn’t safe yet, she isn’t safe yet.
He helped her upwards and could feel how bad the situation was. She was practically limp in his arms, and he had to manoeuvre around her to get a good grip on her and bring her safely back to land.
He was so relieved they had found her he was ready to turn back already.
Levi eyed around them, looking tormented.
“There’s no trace of the rest of her squad. And she’s barely conscious.” He stated, still scanning the forest.
Jean felt a pang of shame; he had utterly forgotten about his other comrades.
His cheeks flushed. He had been ready to bring her back to Trost already.
“We should find a spot for the night. We’ll look for the others tomorrow.”
Fear flashed in Jean’s eyes. “What do you mean?”
The Captain gave him a nasty look.
“You want to go back without the others, is that it, Kirschtein?”
Jean stammered. “N-no, not at all, it’s just that I didn’t prepare blades in case we met titans.”
“You’ll take Mikasa’s. I don’t think she’ll be fit to fight. Let’s go.”
Jean’s blood curdled, and he heaved Mikasa onto his horse’s back, leaning her against him so she wouldn’t fall. Her head kept lolling forward. He tried not to stare at it too much, and focused on following the Captain.
He had to admit he was impressed when the short man led them to a half-collapsed tower, through the rubble into a dry, half-shielded room.
He wondered how the man could even remember the location of such a place, at night and in rainy weather.
They both laid Mikasa down over Jean’s jacket.
He was freezing, his cloak too damp to keep him warm. But Mikasa needed warmth more than he did at that moment.
“Let’s wait for her to wake up.”
“Do you want me to stand guard, Sir?”
“That won’t be necessary.”
The man didn’t offer to stand guard for him.
Jean watched over the unconscious woman in silence, thanking himself for having dinner earlier.
The hours passed, and he had almost forgotten about his Captain’s presence when all of a sudden he heard sharp noises coming from his right.
Levi was slicing himself some salted ham. Jean’s stomach grumbled at the sight of it.
Levi eyed him. “I guess you didn’t pack some for yourself.”
“I wasn’t exactly planning to go on an expedition,” Jean retorted, face distorted in a grimace.
“I told you not to come with me.”
“Don’t try to make me believe you would have been better off without me.”
A coughing sound interrupted their bickering.
They both turned their heads to look at Mikasa, who was now retching violently. Thankfully it wasn’t on Jean’s clothes.
“Mikasa?”
She tilted her head upwards to look at him, but was stopped by another coughing fit.
She doubled over to retch again and finally looked at them after a moment, wiping her mouth with her sleeve.
“Have this, at least,” Levi handed her a handkerchief, but he surprisingly didn’t have a disgusted look on his face as Mikasa reached for it.
“Do you need some water? I can go fetch some for you.”
“Thank you… Jean?”
She had just realised the man had been the one taking care of her.
As he brought over some rainwater for her, he was disconcerted when the light hit Mikasa’s puddle of puke.
The ground was black where she had retched, and the puke looked weirdly solid.
He had to stop himself from staring, but couldn’t help investigating the thing again when Mikasa was busy emptying her bladder.
He kneeled, barely hearing Levi’s voice telling him he was a weirdo, looking through other people’s vomit.
“Captain,” he started, and then trailed off.
He couldn’t comprehend what he was looking at right now. He took a sharp intake of breath and fiddled with the gross pool using a stick he found lying there.
Amidst the bile, his stick got stuck in something akin to earth, and he extracted from it what seemed to be some black, delicate petals, as well as a flower bud. It was crusty with dry earth, but when he took it in his hands, he became certain that it was a flower.
“I can’t wait to tell everyone about your kinks back at the barracks, Kirschtein,” Levi’s voice rose again.
“Captain. You ought to see this.” Jean’s answer was solemn—his Captain’s joke had barely registered.
“I’m not inspecting Mikasa’s puke—"
Mikasa came back, her face white. She looked at Jean with indignation.
“What are you doing, Jean?!”
Jean lifted his head guiltily, and took a step back. However, he stood his ground as he got up.
“Why are you throwing up earth and flowers, Mikasa?”
Her face was already white before, but the colour seeped from it altogether in that moment.
“It’s none of your business,” Mikasa answered meekly.
Their Captain didn’t seem fazed by the conversation, which took Jean aback.
Did he hear what he had just said?
“It’s not normal. I’ve never heard of that kind of ailment.”
“Leave it alone, Jean.”
He knew Mikasa was too stubborn to admit something was wrong. He didn’t like it, but he had to find another way to make her talk.
“Mikasa, you realise that hiding an unknown illness can put both the health of the Corps and your squad at risk?”
She scowled at him and hurt flashed across her face.
“Oi, Kirschtein, it is not your place to say this.”
Why wasn’t the Captain agreeing? Mikasa was being reckless.
“With that said… Where’s the rest of your squad, Mikasa?”
Mikasa had to sit down and take a few deep breaths before she answered.
“I—Paula’s dead.” She stared at the ground, looking dejected. “I don’t know what’s happened to Gregory. Last thing I remember is Ymir flying between trees away from us.”
Jean flinched—Christa was going to be a mess.
Levi exhaled. “Shit.” He came up to Mikasa. “Don’t tell me you led your squad there, knowing your condition had worsened and you had no control over it?”
She stared at the floor, still, looking sheepish. She took her head in her hands and made to reply, but a coughing fit shook her body before she could.
Jean looked at his Captain in disbelief; he knew Mikasa was feeling unwell?
She took a sip of water and stood up again, arms solemnly folded behind her back.
“My condition was not the cause of our failure, Sir. I managed the coughing and retching as I’ve always done, but a group of titans took us by surprise in a thicket. I managed to reach a tree, but Ymir and Paula tried to take down some of the titans, despite my orders to get out of their reach. And well, Ymir has always had a better use of ODM gear than Paula.”
“What about Gregory?” Levi asked quietly.
“I don’t know, Sir.” Her posture changed a little. “Ymir shouted at me to come take down the titans, and I was about to, I swear—but I retched so bad I started seeing stars, my throat aflame. I still could see her take off. I can’t say where to.”
Levi made a disapproving sound.
“We’ll have to talk when we get back, Ackerman.”
She nodded curtly. Excused herself as another coughing fit took over her, and she spat some more black petals in her hand.
She closed her fist hastily around them, but Jean saw.
He set his jaw. She wasn’t going to spill the beans, huh?
“We should go look for Gregory and Ymir, right?”
Levi looked at him. “You only have one pair of blades, Mikasa is coughing like an old man, and the titans must have woken up by now. We can look for Gregory until we have only little gas left as he should still be in the vicinity, but I won’t use the flares like I did yesterday. So you better keep your eyes wide open, Kirschtein.”
They got ready quickly, and then departed their shelter for the night. Mikasa rode with Levi, this time.
They looked for the missing man, avoiding titans all the while, but to no avail.
Mikasa was looking more tired by the minute, and they were running on almost empty stomachs.
Levi decided to call it a day.
They galloped back to the city, and the Commander came to greet them shortly after the gate opened for them.
He took in the situation with knitted brows, and waited for Levi to recap what had happened.
“We found Ackerman barely conscious on a tree branch. As for the rest of her squad, Paula’s dead, and Ymir and Gregory are missing.”
“I see.” Erwin beckoned him, saluted the two soldiers and asked them to rest. Still, he slipped to Mikasa that she would have to report the situation in full details shortly. He was probably going to have Levi make him a thorough report of what he had seen first.
Jean turned to Mikasa. “Shall I escort you to the infirmary?”
She sighed, looking annoyed. “Where’s Eren?”
Jean bit his lips— he wanted to snap at her, to tell her that he couldn’t possibly know since he had been the one to go look for her, and not her precious Eren.
He’d just almost been very, very rude.
“I’ll go fetch him and Armin,” he said instead, his voice flat.
He was about to turn on his heels when the two boys appeared.
“Mikasa!” They ran to her, checked her face for scrapes and injuries.
“I’m sorry I made you worry,” she whispered, and squeezed their shoulders.
Jean left, anyway. He didn’t belong there.
He shuffled down the officers’ hall, keeping close to Erwin’s office, waiting for Levi to come out.
When his Captain emerged from behind the door, Jean caught up with him.
“Did you know Mikasa was sick, Captain?!”
“Fuck, Kirchstein, you never learned to shut that big mouth of yours?”
He led him into his office and closed the door brusquely behind him.
“You repeat that to anyone, I’ll kill you with my bare hands. That clear?”
Jean nodded, feeling uneasy. Levi sighed. Jean could tell he didn’t want to have that conversation.
“She’s not sick, per se. She’s afflicted with the Ackerman curse.”
“I had the same thing happen to me. Puking fucking flowers every day ‘cause someone wouldn’t give me the time of the day. I barely made it when Farlan died. I lost so much weight I looked as famished as I did in the underground.”
Jean didn’t know who the fuck Farlan was—although there had been a rumour going on, back in his training days, that Levi had joined the Corps with his closest friends, and that he was the only one who had survived.
“How come you’re still alive? Is there a cure, then?”
Maybe he sounded too hopeful. He couldn’t help it; he was hopeful.
He swore he could see Levi’s cheeks darken a little when he answered.
“I found someone I love, and who loves me back.” A pause. “There’s no real cure.”
A blow to his chest. Jean looked at him, probably looking distressed, because Levi hissed at him:
“Don’t come at me with questions if you don’t really want the answer.”
Jean heated up as well; he had just taken a blow, he had every right to be hurt and take the news badly.
“Come on, Captain, you know that’s not an easy thing to hear. Don’t be an asshole right now.”
Levi eyed him, “You’re used to seeing your comrades die every time we go on an expedition, are you not? Then just consider it the same. We’re all doomed to die, anyway.”
“Except Mikasa would not die at the hands of a titan.”
He did not know why the Captain was being so firm right now. His showing consideration for Mikasa was not out of place. And he knew for a fact that Levi didn’t live well with the death of his comrades and squad members, so he didn’t understand the cold indifference the man was displaying. Especially if he was familiar with that affliction, too.
“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t care if Mikasa happened to die. She’s one of the strongest soldiers out there. And part of your family.”
Levi leaned against his desk.
“Oh yeah, and what you’re gonna do? Make her magically fall in love with you?”
“Isn’t that what Erwin did with you?”
Levi’s face closed, and he glared at him.
“You’re dismissed, Kirschtein.”
He knew he had acted out of place. But he didn’t regret it, he pondered as he exited the Captain’s office.
He was fuming, in fact.
He didn’t understand why the Captain was acting so detached, even though he had been through this once and could be of help to Mikasa.
He passed by Eren, Mikasa and Armin making their way to the mess hall, and he couldn’t help but scowl at Eren.
The fucking moron. According to their Captain’s words, Mikasa was going to end up decrepit because of him, and he couldn’t even see what was right in his face.
His heart ached when he saw the woman was looking better, already.
I’ll never be able to put you at ease, to keep the colours from seeping out of your cheeks.
The only things I’d bring you are distress and stupid stuffy blooming flowers.
His Captain hadn’t explained how the curse worked exactly, but Jean got the gist of it.
Flowers bloomed somewhere inside of your body, blocking your trachea and suffocating you until the point you couldn’t eat, drink or breathe. You probably died choking on some pretty, wet and sticky pistils.
Jean shuddered. That had to be a fucking shitty death, up there with being eaten alive by a titan.
Jean wondered, for a fleeting moment, if Mikasa stayed by Eren’s side—how much time would she buy? Would it be less painful, somehow?
He shook the thoughts away, ‘cause he was nobody’s damn saviour.
Mikasa had made that especially clear.
Time went by as if he was in a haze. It seemed like the scouting mission had been weeks ago.
It’s not like Jean did a lot; his routine pretty much went back to what it was before his squad leader evaluation.
He sparred, ran around the barracks, checked his gear for defects. Ate warm onion soup and sourdough bread.
Didn’t see Mikasa. Didn’t talk to Jason and Max. Barely answered Connie when he asked him what had happened with Mikasa’s squad. Why everything was so calm. Why the officers hadn’t announced who’d become squad leader yet.
All these questions seemed dull to Jean.
The only things replaying over and over in his mind were do not get eaten by a titan in big bold red letters, followed by has Mikasa thrown up flowers today? How many? Are they hurting her throat? Are they still black, or did they become yellow now that she gets to see Eren everyday again? Did Eren notice?
He was worried for her beyond reason.
Everything he did was somehow projected to the back of his mind once he started to think of her.
He tossed and turned at night, thinking, "Why isn’t Levi doing anything? Why isn’t Erwin doing anything? Why isn’t she doing anything?”
He didn’t see her much. Always assumed the worst, until he caught a glimpse of her at dinner.
Nodded to his officers. Felt like he would never be a part of them.
Until one day came, and someone knocked loudly at his door.
He opened his eyes, feeling groggy. Who could want to talk to him? He was an ant among the others in this hive.
“Kirschtein, open this door before I burst it open myself.”
Jean felt himself go rigid when it registered to him who was behind the door. He hadn’t talked to his Captain since their tense conversation.
“What is it?” he eyed his Captain up and down as he opened the door, then looked shamelessly and pointedly down at him. He was still feeling petty, and any way would do to show it.
“I’m afraid I have to drag your lazy ass to the Commander’s office. God, put yourself together. I could put you up in a sparring fight against a sixty-year old right now and you’d still lose.”
Weirdly enough, the comment didn’t sting. Jean was too busy searching through the fog of his mind for a reason why the Commander would want to see him.
Mikasa? Irrational fear took over him for a moment.
Then realisation dawned on him.
The squad leader assessment. Oh.
That had become so low on his priority list.
He shrugged and finally replied, “Let me put my formal jacket on.”
Levi scowled at him, “That won’t save your dreary look, I fear. That moustache is laughable.”
Jean rolled his eyes and followed him out the door.
“What’s that have to do with anything? I’m not the one trying to appeal to the Commander now, am I?”
Levi turned on his feet and had him pinned to the wall in a matter of seconds.
He hissed through gritted teeth, “I don’t know what’s up with you, Kirschtein, but you’d better drop the attitude. I told you things you should’ve never learned about, now if you think you can use that against me you’re deeply mistaken. Get. Your. Shit. Together.”
He let him go and resumed walking, looking thoroughly pissed.
Jean rubbed at his sore throat where his Captain had pressed his elbow.
He knew his Captain was right, or at least he was dimly aware of the way he looked, the way he dragged himself around the base. But he didn’t like his Captain’s wry tone and air of superiority. The fact that he didn’t give a shit about Mikasa’s circumstances also didn’t help.
He walked to the Commander’s door, and he thought back of the last time he had been there, waiting for the other man to open it for him.
It was before all this happened, before he lost whatever motivation was driving him forward. Before he lost faith in his officers.
He hadn’t even been there to deliver his report, didn’t even know if Christa had really given it that day.
How was Christa? He hadn’t heard any news about Ymir or Gregory—hadn’t asked, either.
He was dumbfounded, realising he hadn’t talked to her since he’d come back. Guilt and shame mixed in his chest and he had to take a few breaths to focus.
First, Erwin.
As if on cue, the door to the Commander’s office opened.
“Come,” he motioned them both in.
Jean resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course Levi would be there too.
“You asked to see me, Sir?” Jean asked after he saluted, his manners gradually coming back to him.
“Yes, Jean. I have good news for you. The squad leader evaluation is now finished, and you are being promoted to the rank of officer. Congratulations.”
His head started to spin. Couldn’t the Commander see?
His hand extended on autopilot when Erwin drew from his jacket a pendant of some sort. It was smaller than his, and was more akin to Levi’s. It would signify his newly acquired rank, for all the others to see and whisper about.
He pressed it against his chest, his fist closed around it, then managed:
“What about Mikasa?”
The Commander arched a brow, and he could feel Levi stiffen behind him. He had to know. He wouldn’t be able to lead a squad of soldiers if things kept on going that way, anyways.
“Well, Mikasa failed to accomplish her mission and to get every member of her squad safely back. Plus her report was rather incomplete, compared to yours.”
He nodded dully.
“I’ve read yours, Kirschtein, and it’s nothing to be proud of. It looked like you wrote it with your ass.”
“You know how to read cursive now, Captain?”
He thought Levi would be at his throat in a matter of seconds again, but Erwin stood tall between the two of them.
“What is up with you two? Levi, watch your language. And Jean, watch your tone. You are addressing your superior.”
The two men stared each other down for a moment, then Levi looked away and sighed.
“This fucking fool knows about the curse, and he’s been mulling it over for days now.”
The Commander cleared his throat, “Do you mean he knows about Mikasa’s—“
“He knows it’s specific to the Ackermans. And now he thinks we can save her, somehow,” Levi interrupted him, crossing his arms across his chest.
Erwin gave him a long look. Jean finally looked away, to the pendant in his hand.
“Do you maybe want to express something, Jean?”
He was about to shake his head, pretend everything was fine, but he was an officer now, wasn’t he? He could raise his concerns to him.
“Actually, yes, Commander. I’m upset. You’ve probably heard of what Mikasa’s going through, right? Are we going to lose one of our best soldiers because we were too lazy to look for a solution?”
Erwin raised his eyebrows. He probably didn’t expect Jean to be so virulent.
Levi snorted. “See, he thinks he can save the whole wide world.”
“You of all people should keep it quiet, Captain. Having gone through this yourself, and not trying to help her... It’s despicable.”
Erwin raised his hands in a halting manner.
“Enough.” He turned to Levi. “Do you reckon talking to Mikasa could help her?”
“No, Erwin, I don’t. She’s been madly in love ever since we met her and it’s been years now, and he hasn’t reciprocated her feelings,” he stood up, came closer to them, his voice thundering. “Plus, even if he did, must I remind you the boy barely has seven years before him? What should I tell her? That she’s gonna die in so much pain, she’ll regret ever feeling love?”
The silence was deafening. Jean looked away.
Erwin clasped his hands together. “Well, Jean, you heard him.”
Jean could feel tears of frustration forming at the corner of his eyes.
“So, what, we should just let it go? Watch her waste away? Then if she doesn’t die from this, she’ll definitely die in a titan’s jaw.”
Levi exhaled. Jean glanced at him; he could see it was taking every ounce of self-control for the man not to punch him.
“Jean. There’s nothing to be done. We’ll follow her wishes, because they are hers to make.” His Commander’s tone was placating.
A few seconds passed before Jean spoke up again.
“Then I have a request of my own, Commander.”
“Go ahead.”
I’d like to bring changes to my squad. I’m requesting the swap of Jason Sturd for Mikasa Ackerman.”
They both stared at him in disbelief.
Levi grabbed his shoulder, his fingers pressing in his clothes.
“Oi, Kirschtein, you’re not at the market—"
“Jean. You probably understand Mikasa must stay by Eren’s side.”
He sighed, exhausted by the conversation. “I know. I’m not doing this out of selfishness. But it’s not like we’d go on a mission without Eren, right? We need his titan. So he’ll always be close. I just want to have some kind of leverage on her, to keep her from doing dumb things. At least let me try, please.”
He dropped his tough act, because he could finally see a slither of hope. His officers just had to trust him, just this once.
Erwin stood and made for his desk, “I’ll consider it. Also, I’ll let you know about the date for the official promotion ceremony. You’re both dismissed.”
Levi stormed out of the room after giving his Commander a nasty look. Jean guessed the atmosphere would be electric between the two of them later on, but it really was the least of his concerns.
Jean’s mind felt a bit clearer after that meeting. He knew he was being bold and brazen and that he would never get back on Levi’s good side, but he was content with how he had managed to fight for what he deemed important.
Mikasa was important. Not only to him, but to their future.