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As the oldest, Shotaro tries to give equal attention to each one of his members. It's tough, obviously, especially because he doesn't get to carry the 'leader' position to justify everything he has been doing for the team, still, he likes it and would do anything for them.
He makes sure to validade each one of their feelings and tries to be the one to help them if there's any need to. He cleans after them, likes to bring in gifts when something reminds him of them. Praise them anytime, buy them food and snacks if they had major success in one of their schedules, sleep next to someone if they're having a hard time... The list really goes on.
And Shotaro does it because he wants to, he's trying to build a close relationship with them and already thinks about the members as precious people. He cherishes the group too much.
Even so, sometimes he misses being the pampered one.
He tries not to think too much when he feels lost, he's the type of person who understands phases, why sometimes it's so hard to keep up and doesn't get demotivated easily. When it does happen he calls one of the Nct hyungs who took care of him and Sungchan or his mom, but it only makes him miss her more.
To summarize, he is kinda not in the best place mentally but doesn't feel like it's something big enough to ask for guidance. It's ironic.Validating other's thoughts but not his.
He gets back to the dorm later than everybody, like always, and just as he takes his shoes and coat he feels a faint sweet smell coming from the kitchen.
He enters it and finds Eunseok in front of the counter, a little frown and pout while he prepares something.
"I'm back." Shotaro says quietly, trying not to scare the other. After receiving a smile in return he asks, "The smell is great, what are we having today?"
"Oh, it's nothing much. Just thinking about having pancakes and hot chocolate, it keeps me grounded." He pauses, looking up at Shotaro as if thinking if he should say what's on his mind. "There's dinner leftovers if you're hungry. Or I can make more for us to share..."
"If it's not asking much then I would gladly accept your offer." Shotaro smiles a little. "I'll wash up first then."
***
After taking a quick shower and now wearing fresh pajamas instead of training clothes, Shotaro goes back downstairs and what greets him is now the table cutely decorated with sweet things for them to eat.
"Come sit." It's all Eunseok says, already comfortable on the other side of the table. And so he does.
They eat slowly and in silence, basking in each other's presence and Shotaro feels almost emotional enough to shed some tears if he were the type to cry in front of his friends.
"I almost feel bad for eating this without the others." He chuckles. "It's delicious. Thank you."
Eunseok does not show much on his face, what his feelings or thoughts are in the moment is unknown most of the time. Now, though, Shotaro feels like Eunseok is uneasy.
"We can be selfish sometimes, hyung, it's okay." He answers as if talking about the food but Shotaro understands. Not long after he gets up and starts putting the dishes away. "Go rest now, you must be tired."
"What about you? I should at least wash the dishes." He trails behind the younger one to the kitchen once again.
"Please, don't... It's fine, I promise, I'll be done in a second then I'll go to bed too." Eunseok says, his voice sounding strained as he reaches into the older's hair and ruffles it. "Good night, Taro hyung."
"Night, Seokie... Thanks again." He slowly walks back to his room, looking over his shoulder twice to be sure. The last thing he sees is the tap opening and Eunseok mumbling something he couldn't understand.
🏠
It's been a week since the kitchen episode happened and Shotaro is still as confused as ever about his feelings, he doesn't know if the others have noticed yet that he's slacking these past few days but Shotaro feels like he won't last much if this ache on his chest doesn't go away soon.
The whole group will be able to rest as their comeback promotions just ended, most going to their hometown since their families don't like the idea of moving to such a popular city as Seoul is.
Shotaro always feels a bit lost when it happens but now it's intensified, when he was in Nct he had a fellow Japanese member to keep him company when he felt like the homesickness was too much, to keep their native language just as useful and not forgotten as he knows it can happen. Now, unfortunately, he feels like his culture is in the background a lot, he misses his parents and siblings, misses his old friends, the Japan streets he used to walk a lot when he was a teenager, the food... Everything. He pushes it to the back of his mind every time.
He keeps in touch with them, he texts his loved ones when he has time, sends them pictures and voice messages and sometimes Shotaro even video calls them at night, swallowing the lump on his throat as he hushedly wishes they would be able to meet soon.
They are all reunited in the living room, just talking about anything when Sungchan sits by his side and asks, "Have you made plans already?"
Sungchan is, for a lack of better words, his best friend. His only 'constant' after arriving to korea. They have a special bond and the younger tends to worry too much about Shotaro sometimes, just as Shotaro does with him.
"I don't, I don't think I'll go anywhere this time..." His eyes shake a little.
"I wish I could have you with me but we're going on a trip to meet my sister in law's family..." Sungchan sighs. "I'm not happy with the idea of letting you be alone here for that many days."
Shotaro smiles. "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll find something to do until you guys leave. Do tell your parents and brother that I miss them, though!"
"They already love you enough, I won't mention anything or they won't stop talking about you." Sungchan makes an offended face and laughs not long after.
"Don't be so jealous now." He laughs along, not as freely as his friend but he feels content enough.
He can't shake the feeling of being watched so when their focus gets back to the kids talking, Shotaro looks around and finds Eunseok's eyes almost bored into him. "What?" He mouths, curious.
Eunseok quickly looks away and gets up, mumbling something about the bathroom as he walks out of his sight. Well, that was awkward.
Shotaro and Eunseok don't have the best chemistry out of the whole group, it's not bad, but they don't connect much past the 'we are the oldest, we need to be responsible and take care of the others' mindset. Eunseok is someone he appreciates, obviously, just as he knows Eunseok also does with him, yet there's always this weird wall between them that both of them don't really try to break.
Their personality are very different, — being in a group that most of the members are introverts felt like a punishment at first, Shotaro is glad at how much Riize improved as a whole — Eunseok's presence is comforting, he helps everyone with their confidence and prefers the spotlight to be on any other person in the room, really. He might be more reserved than most people which unfortunately scares them, but he's such a warm hearted guy, always looking out for others and even though he never said so himself, Shotaro knows he's someone that loves physical contact and quality time.
His face is constantly neutral; deep eyes that can be fierce or lovely when he's around the people he cares the most, charming lips that are mostly on a resting position but sometimes stretched with a big, proud smile that illuminates the whole room. Yet, something he can't control is how easily red his face, ears and neck can be everytime he feels shy, embarrassed or any type of strong emotions. It's a scene they mostly see at the dorms, as he learned how to use makeup early in life to mask it.
Shotaro thinks he looks the best without makeup and using his prescription glasses.
On the other hand, Shotaro feels like he's the opposite, he's loud, a smile stretched on his face at all times not because he's faking it, but because he is happy. He likes getting to know new people, he also likes to share the spotlight with others but he knows when to have it on him, his presence and charisma is something to be proud of.
With a sigh, Shotaro also gets up and goes to the balcony to have some fresh air and think about some things. The night is chilly but he doesn't really care, it makes him feel alive; he hears the door opening after a couple of minutes and tries not to look back but he knows who's behind him just by the steps.
"Hyung." Eunseok says, quietly.
"Hm?" He answers.
"I've been thinking... Would you like to go home with me?" There's an uncertainty that's not very common for him.
"That's... Very sudden. I'll be fine, Seokie, I really don't want to disturb your family time."
"I promise you won't, I'm asking because I care about you and just like Sungchan I really don't feel comfortable going back home knowing you are alone. Please say you will at least think about it."
"Alright."
And they go back to their old routine, standing next to each other in silence while the breeze comes and goes.
***
A couple days pass by when Shotaro realizes that he needs to give his answer before it's too late and thus he reluctantly sends Eunseok a message.
Taro: hey, are you home right now?
would you come by, for us to talk?
[2:30pm]
Seokie: yea ill be there soon
[2:35pm]
Shotaro is already downstairs when he hears the code to the apartment being punched, he flashes the younger a shy smile and taps the free space beside him on the sofa.
"Hi, hyung." He says after closing the door and making his way next to him, Eunseok is only wearing sweatpants with a plain t-shirt and a pair of slippers since their apartments are only a few steps from each other. "What's up?"
"I just feel like I have yet to give you an answer." Shotaro starts, looking away while fiddling with his fingers. "If the proposal is still up for going to your hometown with you then I'd like to accept."
"Oh." A chuckle. "Well, I'm surprised you agreed but I'm happy. Would you like for me to tell you the details?"
"Please. It's been a while since I've been to anyone else's house, it was only Sungchan or Yuta for years now." Shotaro confesses.
"It's not like you haven't met my parents, they love you. I'll be there for you if you feel uncomfortable, so please do tell me, alright?" Eunseok's way of speaking when trying to be someone reliable always amused Shotaro to an extent, the monotone but comforting and a bit sweet voice always had this weird effect on people and he wasn't different from most of them.
It's really funny how it feels like recently Eunseok is everywhere around Shotaro when in reality they are not close, never were.
He asks himself, was it always like this and I just haven't realized?
"Yeah… I appreciate it."
Eunseok begins explaining what they would do on their days there, it's nothing too shocking since they're also resting but it feels like a plan. Shotaro agrees to everything, always curious to meet new places and faces at any time.
After it, they go their separated ways awkwardly, bidding goodbyes by the door of their respective dorms.
And that's how it always goes.
🏠
They are now on the road, both of them deciding to be driven rather than drive there. Eunseok has his eyes closed and earphones in, Shotaro prefers to bask in the road's sounds while taking a peek into the younger's resting face.
He feels weird.
Eunseok's brownish hair highlights his tan skin in the best way possible, Shotaro remembers feeling a bit breathless when it was styled the first time after him changing from its natural color to brown. His eyes are big and round, lips rosy, thin but with a beautiful shape. Everything was just very pleasant to look at; high cheekbones, sharp jawline and nose… Maybe that was why he didn't dare to look at him as much.
Shotaro looks away the moment he catches a glimpse of the other's red ear, closing his eyes and sighing before going for a nap. It's just a few days, it'll be okay.
It will be okay , he repeats.
***
He hears slurred words next to him and opens his eyes to Eunseok talking to the driver, words not making sense in his head yet. He sits correctly again, trying to be more awake.
"Hey." Eunseok notices and looks back at him. "We arrived."
"H- Wait. I need a second." Shotaro blinks a few times to disperse sleep, brings the phone out of his pocket to analyze and fix his appearance then looks back to Eunseok, only now realizing the glasses adorning his face. "Okay, I'm ready."
Eunseok laughs a little and opens the door to his side, not forgetting to thank the driver before going out and retrieving their bags from the trunk. He waves to the car as it starts to leave them behind and turns to Shotaro once again, "Welcome to my hometown!" He says, enthusiastic. "Let's go, I want to show you around but first we need to meet the family."
"I don't think I've ever seen you this excited in all the years that we know each other."
"There's a lot you don't know about me, hyung, make sure to find them in the next few days." Eunseok says as if it's nothing and then he's walking to his house with all the bags on him, the older follows quietly.
His family is weirdly already by the door waiting for them, Shotaro can't even say anything before he feels pairs of arms around himself and lots of welcoming words. His heart swells. He smiles and tries his best to hug everyone back.
"Please enter! We were all so thrilled when our Eunseok said you'd be tagging along that we couldn't help but to wait outside." Mrs. Song breaks the moment to push the door open and guides Shotaro by the waist. "Baby, please put the bags upstairs while I talk to our guest."
"I'm also happy to be here again, thanks mom." Eunseok passes by them sighing loudly, which makes them all snicker.
"He can be a little dramatic sometimes, don't mind it. Now, tell us what you're thinking of here so far! I'll quickly have something for you guys to chew before Eunseok steals you from us again."
And in the back of Shotaro's mind something echoes, maybe this could be fun.
***
They spend the whole day out and about, Eunseok is so so smiley when he finds something he liked or somewhere he used to go up until middle school, he points at them and tells funny stories, he reminds of his childhood days and asks Shotaro "What about you? What was it like back in Japan?"
And the older one answers, "I'll tell you if we go to my hometown someday."
"It's a promise then."
They end up buying a few things in some of the stores they pass by. Other than food, Shotaro likes having new clothes so he buys a few pieces that catches his attention. Eunseok goes somewhere while he's on the line, waiting to pay and gets back with a few bags, none of them easy for Shotaro to have a peak.
"What do you have in there?" He points to the new bags with his chin, hands too busy carrying his own things.
The walk back is calm, wind getting stronger as the sun retracts and the traffic gets a bit worse, everyone getting back from work.
"It's a secret for now." Eunseok replies, he gently grabs Shotaro by the shoulder and changes their position so he's closer to the road instead. "Let's buy gifts for our members tomorrow, I'll show you the best places."
"I'll hold you to that."
When they get to Eunseok's house once again, the first thing that greets them is loud barks, the younger almost instantly puts his things down to greet the fluffy dog, squeezing and kissing him.
"Where were you earlier, my angel?" He asks in a baby voice. "Here, this is my friend, Shotaro." He cages the dog on his arms and closes the space between both of them so Charlie can sniff and lick the older one if he likes him enough. He does.
"Well, thank you, I'm glad you like me." Shotaro pets his head, making sure to pay attention to his ears the way he seems to love. "He's just as cute as in the pictures."
"Yeah, he's a natural beauty just like his dad." Eunseok makes a proud face and lets Charlie down again.
"You know, It's really refreshing seeing you here, it's like you're almost another person, free. I like It."
Eunseok scratches the back of his head and looks away shyly, "I'm not the best at handling lots of eyes looking and perceiving me, mom used to say I hid myself and I think it's something i've started doing even more when I left home, though it makes me seem rude and uninterested it's also something that keeps me as comfortable as I can be while also following my dreams. I don't know." He sighs, walking away. "Sorry, I talked too much."
Shotaro shakes his head with a fond smile on his face and speeds his steps a bit out to bump the other with his shoulders. "I hope someday you can be just as free with the team, we will be waiting for you."
"And I, you." Eunseok chuckles, stopping on his feet to look behind his shoulder. "I hope you can also see me as someone reliable soon."
***
Eunseok decided to help his mom with dinner so Shotaro ends up in the younger's room for the time being; he takes a hot shower to loosen up his tense body, changes to fresh comfy clothes and lays on the double bed, eyes taking everything around him.
The room decoration is just so Eunseok-like, the shelves filled with collectible figures, a few school books and lots of mangas — which by distance Shotaro can still recognize a few titles— there's a few old posters and frames with motivational phrases on the grayish walls and Shotaro thinks.
Recently his mind felt a little better, that insistent thing that was bothering him the last weeks slowly undoing itself and instead getting replaced with lots of questions. All of them related to the owner of the bedroom he's in.
Before he could get any deep in thoughts he hears knocks on the door, "I'm entering." Mrs. Song's sweet voice echoes.
"Hi, Mrs. Song. Is anything wrong?" He sits up, hands on his lap.
"Oh no, not really… Eunseokie said you'd be here and I just felt like talking to you." She takes a deep breath and sits beside Shotaro. "I can sense you're going through something. Perhaps you'd like to get those feelings out?"
"My apologies, I didn't want to ruin the family reunion, you all must be missing him a lot…"
"None of it, you're not ruining anything. It's just that as a mom, there's some things you, young men, can't hide from us."
"You're right, Mrs. Song," Shotaro snorts. "You really remind me of my mom. She would do the same thing whenever I shut down."
"Please, call me aunt!" Her smile is affectionate, fingers going up to pinch Shotaro's cheeks. "It must be hard, right? Being far from your family, your country, while having lots of things being thrown at you all the time."
It is , he wants to say. So much so that it's getting unbearable each new time.
"It's okay to feel burdened and lost, especially at your age and in the circumstances that you're in right now. I think that the most important thing is looking around you and understanding that as much as you help them, they probably also want to help you back. But firstly you have to allow them, show that you have trust in your team and then work through it together." Shotaro nods, filtering everything. "The 20's have our most precious moments, It's the choices you make during it that makes your life yours. Don't waste true friendships by giving but not taking anything for you, don't be selfless."
Shotaro's mouth opens and closes a few times, not really knowing what to reply after a wave of emotions hits him again, just like it does most of the nights in the dorm. He tries to keep his breathing steady. Mrs. Song seems to see through him, as if Shotaro's body were transparent and his feelings were neon bright inside of him.
"You know, Eunseok has only talked about you a handful of times… It always felt like you guys were too similar, although in different notes, to get along as easily as the others but I can see that you're someone special to him. I'm glad you're here." She pats the empty space between them and looks up to the ceiling. "I know he's also happy that you're getting closer. Even when he was a kid that didn't know how to show feelings the same way as the others. Me, as a mom, always understood him. I understand you too."
"I- thank you, auntie." And it's all he can get out of his system, eyes moist with tears he doesn't want to let go, not when he has company.
"I'll go back to the kitchen to finish there, please take your time." Her face shows concern but she settles on squeezing his shoulders in a half hug before excusing herself just as said.
Shotaro can only thank her once again before the door closes and tears start flowing from his eyes, the grasp on his heart loosening a bit more.
***
Dinner was great.
By the time someone knocked on the door once again Shotaro was already calm and had just washed his face a few minutes prior. It was Eunseok's baby brother, he was the cutest.
They all had a great talk together, the parents were always so interested in the idol lifestyle and demanded both Shotaro and Eunseok to take care of each other and the other kids. Lots of laughter and questions later, Shotaro volunteered himself to do the dishes since everyone was taking good care of him and wandered back upstairs after finishing everything.
Now, they are anything but new to the whole sleeping, showering or anything with their fellow members but there's this weird thing around them the second that Shotaro lays beside Eunseok, mimicking his stomach up position and closing eyes almost instantly.
"Sleep tight, Eunseok-ah."
The other hums. "You too, hyung."
🏠
The trip has a duration of four days in total, four days of endless knowledge of how Eunseok and his family are, how they treat Shotaro as one of their own by the end of it and asks for him to visit them often. Days that slowly bring a cure to one of the things that bother him so much.
Shotaro calls his dad just as the sun rises, he's sat by the living room window, waiting for the day to really start for them to go back to seoul and to the dorms.
"Hi, dad. How are things going?" He says in Japanese, body tense as he feels anxious.
"My son, we're doing good as always, we've just been missing you a lot lately… it's good that you called, mom was worried recently. How about you? How's Korea treating you recently?" Shotaro's dad's preoccupied voice makes his knees weaken, bottom lip wobbling with the sudden realization that his feelings truly are not only his.
"Some days are hard without you guys by my side but Korea is treating me well. I spent my vacation days in Eunseokie's house, we're leaving today." He gulps while looking at the ceiling as he doesn't want to cry, not because he feels ashamed now but rather he really wants to bask in the moment.
He hears something behind him and looks to see Eunseok shyly waving at him, still sleepy.
"This is new. I've only seen you with the same two people around this time for years. Is he near you right now? I would like to thank him."
Shotaro's eyes widen and he points to the phone, muttering a 'he wants to talk to you', before having the phone on speaker and Eunseok waddling closer. He cleans his throat.
"I can translate for you." He says, carefully.
"Okay." Eunseok smiles and holds the phone himself. "Hi, Mr. Osaki. I'm Shotaro's groupmate, Eunseok, it's a pleasure to finally talk to you!"
A joyful laugh on the other side of the call. " Oh, my son, the pleasure is all mine. Thank you for taking care of Shotaro, I'm really happy he has more people to rely on now. Please visit us in Japan soon, we'll have the best food around to show our gratitude."
"We'll make sure to be there soon! And this is nothing alongside what Shotaro has been doing for us all this time, I'm the one who's grateful. Our team is." Eunseok makes a quick eye contact with Shotaro, who's been silently taking in the conversation.
The entire conversation in which Eunseok carried with a almost perfect Japanese that he didn't know of.
"Well, I don't want to disturb you guys' time together so I'll have my leave." Eunseok says, directed to him. "Take care and be always healthy, Mr. Osaki, bye-bye." He gives the phone back and quickly skips to the other side of the room to give them privacy.
Shotaro is still as speechless as before. Confused, even.
"I suppose he's a great kid then... It's good that you can use Japanese with him, right? I don't want you to be homesick." His father is serious this time. "Call us more often, mom and your siblings miss you all the time."
He offers a dry laugh at the thought of his family reunited watching him on the tv while not being able to meet him in person, " Yeah, he is a great kid indeed, dad. And I will, I'm sorry I haven't been calling as much… Now, isn't it the time you should be getting ready for work? Don't let me get you late!"
"You're right, you promised! Bye, son, don't get sick."
"I won't. Byee."
The call ends there. Shotaro keeps still for a moment, watching the streets, now better illuminated and with a few cars and persons walking by on the window once again.
His heart and mind are drifting somewhere he really doesn't want to go for now.
***
Shotaro has half a mind to ask, "why didn't you tell me you know Japanese?" When they're in the car.
Eunseok's lips tremble. "I was never confident in speaking but also… we weren't as close until days ago, i just felt like it would be weird to approach you using another language."
Shotaro splutters. "I- Fine, I understand. How did you learn then? You were so good talking to my dad, there's no way you felt insecure this whole time."
"I just really like animes and mangas, Taro hyung." He appears nonchalant but the color creeping up from his neck to his ears shows otherwise.
"That's it?"
"Mostly, yes. I also study whenever I feel like it."
Shotaro turns away from the younger with a hum, deciding to let this conversation go and rest for the rest of the journey.
***
Everyone arrives almost at the same time, as if they were doing this for years and not just getting started on this 'having a life together' type of thing. They split after a few hugs and shared questions, members going to their respectives dorms to settle their suitcases and bags, taking a shower to enjoy their last days of rest.
Sungchan appears by the door of his room as he's sorting his things, folding what he didn't use and putting the rest on his laundry basket. "You look happier, somehow."
"You think so?" He avoids eye contact, keeping himself busy to mask it.
"Hmm yes, I know you felt troubled before going, there's no way of you hiding it from me after this many years… But now I can see that you're feeling better, even if not 100%, I'm glad." Sungchan leans all his weight to one of his legs, making no movements to enter the room.
"I suppose the Song family and Eunseok himself helped me understand a thing or two there." His lips curl upwards just enough for his eyes to soften.
"Well, I always thought it was weird that you guys didn't hit it off the way I know you'd have. Happy to know that this served as a bonding time and that you're feeling better."
"I still don't understand this either. Anyway, how was the in-law meeting? Is everyone doing well? Did you tell them my message?"
Sungchan heaves a loud sigh, "You have no idea of how weird it is to meet a family that's soon to be linked to yours, although it wasn't bad or anything, just very weird." He cries. "Everyone is fine, yes I did. They replied that they miss you just as much and hope that you're there next time… in fact, they want to have everyone together someday, soon."
"That'd be great."
"It really would."
They hear rapid steps on the corridor, followed by a Sohee stopping next to Sungchan. "Let's gather in the other dorm, Hani said Eunseok hyung will be cooking for us!"
Sungchan hugs Sohee's back, bending down to fit his head on the other's shoulder. "Yes, ddori, let's go." Sohee laughs as they waddle their way to the exit, Shotaro follows behind with a fond expression.
***
Later that day, when they all had eaten and catched up, they decide to have some mattresses on the floor and watch a movie, — they knew that a few minutes in half of them would be already sleeping, tiredness from the trip to home finally getting to them— and it ends up being like this: Sungchan in the middle, back to the sofa, Anton and Wonbin to his left side, Sohee and Seunghan to his right, everyone other than Sungchan laying down. Shotaro and Eunseok end up sitting on opposite sides of the sofa, nothing really touching since it was spacious.
Shotaro decides then that this is his happiness. Getting lost in his head with the sudden wave of sadness made him forget how precious moments with the ones that are on his side all the time, sharing the same dreams, truly are. Scared of being too away from home, too different from them to really let himself be vulnerable and share his feelings and fears.
He doesn't realize that he's zoning out until Eunseok is closer, whispering something next to him.
"Sorry, I didn't get that." Peeking at the younger's face being illuminated by the tv light, no makeup on, natural flush accentuated and glasses sliding on his nose bridge makes something in his stomach churn, not a bad thing, but something Shotaro has been aware of happening every time they're together now.
"Just asked if it's okay if we cuddle, my back's hurting and that's the only way for us to lay down here." He asks again, embarrassed.
"Come here."
They adjust themselves so Eunseok has his back almost glued to Shotaro, whose arm is now circling the tiny waist, preventing him from being close to falling, a blanket covering their bodies as they share a pillow. "Comfy?"
"Yeah, thanks." The older hears something clinking and a shuffling, meaning that Eunseok was probably taking his glasses off and putting it on the sideboard, getting ready to sleep.
Although they slept in the same bed a lot this past week, it's their first time this close. Shotaro feels giddy as he brings the other impossibly closer and rests his face on the other's nape, getting lulled with the way soap smelled like on his skin.
He doesn't realize Eunseok's hair is up where they're touching and the way he's trying to keep his breathing steady.
🏠
There's subtle but noticeable things that change between them after that.
Shotaro's touch linger, he starts letting himself be just a little selfish with his feelings that keep growing every day; he passes next to Eunseok in a narrow space and rests his hands on the latter's waist, sometimes squeezing it just to hear the way he squeaks and playfully slaps the older's hands from there. He pretends there's something on his hair, nose or cheeks just so he can touch him. He makes the palms of their hands or pinkies touch often if they're side by side and everything else.
Lingering, yearning .
They exchange messages more often now, Shotaro makes sure to send pictures and messages of everything that reminds him of Eunseok when they're not together now, Eunseok does the same, a little less enthusiastic.
And the thing that always gets Shotaro's pulse racing, color radiating from his ears at how enamored he feels: Eunseok starts speaking Japanese when they're alone or doesn't want anyone interrupting.
Life feels so much easier, he doesn't feel as homesick when he calls his family weekly or twice a week and now that he gets back to the dorms after a packed day and feels at home, his home.
Shotaro smiles even more now, body so full of good feelings all of a sudden that the previous gloomy Shotaro feels like someone very distant.
He's enjoying it as much as he can, he knows that the possibilities of him confessing are low, the chances of Eunseok feeling the same way being even lower but he tries not to think too much of it as everything is recent and fragile.
The group is in the middle of practice when someone calls Shotaro to talk about Riize's schedule, a few interviews they needed to do and a little program to show their charms and chemistry are the things that gets his attention the most, that's what he loves the most after being onstage.
Riize is still fresh, lots of things yet to be shown to their fans as the rest of them follows Shotaro and Sungchan all the time, letting them lead and sometimes forgetting to get the spotlight to themselves as they're shy. He likes the idea of each of them having their own highlighted moments, their personalities being too bright and pure for it to be so hidden.
He's excited to announce the news to the others the moment he's excused, "You guys know how it goes, if you guys do well then I'm paying for a meal." They cheer. "Now, back to your positions, break is over!"
And that's how it's going.
***
New song releases, promotions, interviews and fun shows makes the team grow a better relationship, Shotaro thinks that a lot of his old insecurities of letting his former uncertain group for this new one, the one that it's his — theirs , are slowly undoing itself one by one. He feels relieved.
Both are special but in different fonts, Nct were his first chance, the door that really opened for him to show what he was capable of, even though he had a pretty stable life as a dancer and a college student before he was never the one upfront, always on the back, always being in someone else's shadow. He has friends, people he admires and good memories there, but it wasn't enough. In Riize, he has many ways to show whatever he feels like, all of his sides, his growth, anything really. It's special in a way that makes him too proud of everything, as if he's finally fulfilling his dreams.
When thinking about it, Shotaro understands that maybe his life had so many little uncertainties in it for things that really mattered that withdrawing from Nct and debuting in Riize so suddenly really didn't help at first, he felt disposable.
It's silly. So very silly.
He tried to not let it show, he didn't know how to express it without sounding selfish and ungrateful, Shotaro feels embarrassed reminiscing that he'd kept doing things for the others to just be there for them but couldn't let anyone be there for him, something that could really put a strain in their relationship.
He's yet to be the best at communicating, some things can't be changed overnight, but it's going well, he feels rewarded when doing things that he wouldn't before.
🏠
Shotaro keeps his promise, he guides them to a place he knows has the best meat and drinks when they do their bestest, letting the kids eat as much as they feel like for him to pay.
They're all sat in a private room, a couple hours gone by since they've started celebrating, the legal members except the oldest drinking alcohol with no restraints whilst the youngests drank a variety of things: coke, juice, water, anything.
He was already seeing their drunk mannerisms showing, making the situation even more endearing.
Sungchan and Wonbin were mostly clingy and talkative when drunk, they babbled a lot , Sungchan liked talking about his interests or funny things around them. Wonbin on the other hand was emotional, he thanked, complimented and kept saying that he'd be no one if it weren't for them. Truly a sight.
Eunseok didn't have any cute quirk when drunk, the only thing Shotaro could really pinpoint was the unfocused eyes and the constant tight lipped smile he kept on. But oh, that was until…
"- drunkass liar, you could never do it." Shotaro snapped his head to Sohee, confused as to where this was coming from since he wasn't paying attention.
"Do what?" He asks, Sohee ignores. It feels like they were in an argument somehow.
"Why would I lie?? I'm drunk as fuck!" Sungchan slaps his hand on the table.
Shotaro leans into Seunghan's space, who is unfazed. "When did this start and why?"
"I have no idea, I guess we were talking about our love life while you were zoning out grilling meat, they started hush hush talking and all of a sudden..." He rambles.
"Uhm, interesting." He frowns, has he been spacing out for that long?
Anton sighs softly. "I just feel like you guys need to smooch a bit, this bickering is anything but useful." It's said almost in a mumble but the whole table stops and looks at him, Sungchan and Sohee blushing intensely.
"No smooches allowed." That's all Shotaro says about it. "Come on, keep eating." And they follow.
If he asks for more water to help them sober up a little then there's no comment about it.
It did not help, they kept refilling their soju shots after drinking the water.
Their sitting placements changed a few times before the grilling stopped, signaling that the night was coming to an end. Eunseok was now sitting between him and Wonbin, legs thrown over Wonbin and head resting in Shotaro's shoulder, back to the side of the other's body.
"Beautiful night, beautiful. Unbelievable." Eunseok slurred next to his neck in Japanese, clearly drunk.
"Very beautiful indeed, Eunseokie." He replies.
"Not as beautiful as my Shotaro though!" He beams, eyes instantly shutting as he falls asleep.
He doesn't remember much after that, how they got back home and settled into bed is very much unknown to him, as if he was the wasted one.
***
If he's being honest, he doesn't feel like that was something to be mulling over, he'd dealt with way worse drunk shenanigans over his life and he's old enough not to be so affected. Hell, he's been in a group with way more members and each of them with their own weird drunk habits.
This thought doesn't really reach his brain when all he's been thinking for the last days is the way Eunseok called him his.
My Shotaro. My. Shotaro. My. Mine.
It is, indeed, the first crush he has ever had since coming to Korea.
Shotaro groans, hands flying up to cover his face.
"Is something wrong?" Wonbin appears from nowhere, making Shotaro jump in place in the middle of the living room.
"Um, nothing." It's all he says, not looking at the younger's direction, feeling shy all of a sudden.
"You look distressed." Wonbin sits on the sofa and pats the empty space next to him. "Wanna talk?"
"It's really nothing, I was just… I don't know." He sighs again, slumping next to the other.
"Is it about Sungchan and Sohee? Are they still on that thing?" His brows furrowed, were they serious?
"What do you mean? They are acting normal with me."
"They're avoiding each other or something, maybe they had a fight after the drinking night? I was pretty out of it myself so I don't know, really. But they have been so weird ever since that I thought one of them had a talk with you or something." Wonbin almost whispered, as if it was a big secret.
"Well, I haven't heard anything about it from them, they'll need to get their shit together sooner or later so I'll just wait until that… Maybe Anton really was into something." Shotaro shrugs and rests his head on the sofa, closing his eyes.
"It isn't a problem for you?"
"I mean, it can't really be helped in this industry, Wonbinie. You just need to understand how to go from there to not ruin the group if it's something mutual, it's been happening since the world is the world and I've been friends with couples in the same group, too."
"Oh." Shotaro opened one of his eyes to look at Wonbin after the weird reaction and found the other looking down, eyes focused on his hands.
"What's with the question though? Why would it be a problem?" He tries.
"The other day… Not only me but we just thought you really didn't like the idea of them or any members together when Anton made that comment…"
"It really isn't ideal but it's bound to happen with any group, it's just something to be talked to everyone after the confirmation of it being shared feelings. We're humans after all." Shotaro taps his fingers on Wonbin's legs. "Also, I was just being bitter that day... Anyways," He tries to change the focus so the blush creeping up on his ears wouldn't be noticed.
So much for pretending not to be pathetic.
"Bitter? Does hyung like someone?"
"Who likes someone?" A third and a fourth voice appears, it's Eunseok and Seunghan.
"Shotaro hyung."
"No- No one, we were just talking about dating within the group."
"So you like someone in the group? Who is it?" Seunghan pries.
"Enough, I never said I liked someone here!" He gets up, feeling cornered.
"But do you, though?" Eunseok finally says something, crossing arms to his chest and looking deeply into his eyes.
"It's really none of you guys business if I did, it's not like I'd do anything with it when I have so much on my plate already. The talk was about Sungchan and Sohee possibly liking each other and being weird about it, not me liking any of you." He tries to appear calm but his hands are trembling. "I'll just… I think I need some air." Shotaro weekly mumbles and robotically goes to the door and out of it.
He hears faint calls of his name but ignores it, he'll collect himself first before going back.
***
When he gets back it's already late in the night and he's set on never going back to this topic unless it's about the troubled ones and to apologize, which Shotaro knows he should. He overreacted, sure, but it's all very new and he felt too seen all of a sudden, the questions in front of Eunseok and Eunseok questioning him made Shotaro panic in fear of his feelings being discovered.
The others are probably in their own rooms, he's relieved. Shotaro is probably just going to wash up and go to bed and let the apologies for being rude for another time.
There's a faint light in his room and he doesn't remember leaving it like this so he enters and looks around. "Hello?" He whispers when finds a silhouette covered by blankets in his bed, the answer never comes.
He gets to the conclusion of the person falling asleep waiting for him and decides not to bother them, just going to the bathroom and having his hot shower to rest as well.
As he's slipping into the blankets as quietly as possible, the person gets out of its hiding position and it's none other than Eunseok, cheeks pressed against the pillows and lips having the cutest pout. He tries not to coo and settles on caressing the other's hair.
It reminds him of their vacation. "Sweet dreams, Eunseokie." Shotaro whispers and closes his eyes, hand just hovering on the younger's head now.
Shotaro is almost completely asleep after a few minutes, body exhausted from the aimlessly wandering, when he hears what feels like mumbles beside him. "Hm?" He groggily asks.
"Hyung." Eunseok says quietly. "Are you sleeping?"
"Not yet. What is it?" He indulges although feeling too sleepy.
"Is there really someone that you like?" Shotaro's eyes open in shock and he bite his lips.
"I don't wanna talk about it…"
" Please ." Eunseok pleads in Japanese and it's really game over for him. He can't say no to it even if it's risky.
"... Yeah, there is." He nods.
"A member?"
"I don't understand what you want from this, am I not uncomfortable enough for you?"
"Is it Sungchan? Is that why you were bothered the other day?"
"It's not him! He's my best friend, if anything I'll be happy if he starts dating Sohee!" Shotaro exasperatedly sits on his knees, flustered. "It's you! Eunseok, you! That's why I left when you asked me if it was real, I panicked and I am also panicking now. I've been having feelings for you for a while and what bothered me was the suggestion of them together not because they're my members but because I don't see it happening to me."
Eunseok sits up so slowly that makes Shotaro feel the need to just run away again, but he waits, taking deep breaths while at it.
"You like me? Like like ?" Eunseok asks, so shyly that Shotaro once again feels his heart swelling in his chest.
The only thing illuminating them is the lampshade Shotaro has beside his bed, their faces being seen just enough for them to show their vulnerability in the conversation.
"Yes, I do." He looks away, glad that it isn't strong to show how red he truly is.
"Oh." Eunseok says, followed by a giggle and suddenly Shotaro has an armful of Eunseok. "I'm so glad, I thought it was over for me after this morning."
"Wh- what do you mean?"
"I like you too, hyung, for years now. I thought that there was no chance for us to be as close as the others but somehow we did and it started being too much and too little at the same time. When you got upset earlier it really hurt me because it made me realize that I was probably never going to be your special person." Eunseok's words get muffled halfway, when the other decides to press closer to his chest.
Shotaro finally lets out the breath he was holding and hugs Eunseok impossibly tight, kissing his hair.
"I'm feeling so much right now that I can't even say anything. I like you so much Eunseok, I'm sorry." He lays back with Eunseok almost on top of him, he starts moving his hands up and down on the younger's back.
"It's okay, we can talk about it tomorrow, the day after or whenever you want and until everything is clear. Just please keep liking me, my heart won't endure this being a dream or something." Eunseok looks directly into him, eyes big and pleading.
Shotaro really wants to scream with the amount of love he's feeling.
"I will. Please, don't stop liking me, too." He kisses Eunseok's cheek and feels the warmth emanating from it. He must be so flushed.
They will talk about it later, surely, alone and with the others. But for now, he basks in the feeling and the contentment his whole being is having.
And when they start falling asleep once again, for the first time in forever, Shotaro realizes he feels completed. Here, holding the one that's special for him in his arms.