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Ac-ci-dent: an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury
Normal accidents only cause temporary damage, the kind that gets better after time and can recover. We recovered, but after your accident, we never healed.
It was night when we heard the sirens. I had heard them when I was getting a football for us to play outside with. When I heard the ambulances outside, I didn’t even think to wonder whose life had been curtailed by whatever accident happened. I felt sorry for the family that would be receiving the news. Never in my life did dream that I’d be the one who’d be on the other end of that call.
The sun had almost completely set into the auburn sky when I heard ringing inside the house. I assumed it was a call for Soda from some girl so I threw the football to Pony, trying to continue our game of catch. I expected him to throw it back to me, but when he turned to face away from me and instead to Soda, I realized that it wasn’t a call for him. I caught the ball from Soda and threw it to Pony and made my way inside our house. I ran to get the phone, I didn’t actually have to run that far, our house isn’t the biggest so we can get around to different rooms quickly. When I picked up the phone and said a ‘hello’, I was met with a soft voice asking, “Is this the Curtis residence? I need to speak with Darrel Shayne Curtis.”
“This is he, can I help you with something mam?”
“I’m sorry to inform you, but there’s been an accident and we need you to identify two bodies. ”
My blood ran cold and it felt like my whole body had been frozen. I heard her say something about how she was sorry and was expressing her concerns, but I could barely hear her.
“Hello? Are you still there?”
“Um, yes I’m still here. I’ll be there soon.”
I ran outside, hugged Pony and Soda telling them I would be back soon, hopped into our car and slammed my foot down on the gas peddle and drove to the hospital. My mind was swirling with thoughts like a tornado. What if it was them? They only left for the weekend. They couldn’t have been in a accident. Even if they had gotten in a accident, they wouldn’t die. They couldn’t die. They couldn’t.
“If a suspected parent or guardian needs to be identified, the next of kin shall identify the body if no other relative is available at the time.” What I would have gave to not be the oldest that night. My footsteps echoed off of the cold hospital floors to the blank and faded walls. A million thoughts were running through my head, getting louder and louder the closer I got to the room. They were running faster than the trains we see walking home from town. I didn’t pay attention to who led me to the room, I barely even remember walking and them talking to me. All I remember clearly was stepping into that room and seeing the forms of two people under white cloths.
You know that feeling when you know that it’s someone or something even before someone tells or shows you. I knew it was you before they lifted the sheets. It knew it was you when I was walking to the room. I knew it was you when I got in the car. I knew you were the ones who died when I got the phone call.
I can still see your faces. Cold and lifeless, the warmth and comfort that I would say good morning and goodnight to was gone. There was no warmth in your eyes. All that was there were icy stares.
My mind went quiet and my body went numb. The racing thoughts that had been hacking at my brain only seconds ago were gone. It was so quiet. I could hear the lights buzzing and the heart monitors from the other rooms. You were gone. You couldn't be here anymore. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I wasn’t starting college yet. I was 19 only a month ago.
After driving back to our house, I stepped out of the car and felt the rain trickle down my face and I felt tears join them. I thanked the rain for hiding them. When I walked inside and explained everything, I was met with a rib crushing embrace from my brothers. I didn’t care if I couldn’t breathe. Nothing else mattered than them anymore.
Everything leading up to your funeral all feels like a blur. Memories of paperwork, bills, looking for a job to pay for everything took a few weeks, and I was slightly glad for it. I dreaded the funeral. I had already seen you once. I didn’t want to be stuck in a church with a box that had inside two people who promised to love me and be there for me since I was born. It’s no use making promises like that if you can’t keep them.
When the day came, it felt like time slowed down. Minutes felt like days sitting at the front of that church. Ponyboy was crying, trying to stop by wiping his tears on his sleeve, trying to stop, but it didn’t. Sodapop was bawling, he was always the most kind hearted and emotional out of the three of us, but even I had never seen him cry this much. I hadn’t even seen him cry this much when his horse Mickey got taken away.
I didn’t cry, I couldn’t, even if I tried. It felt like I was drowning under water. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry for help. We were sitting in the front row. We were right in front of you. I was right in front of you. I couldn’t reach out for you this time. You couldn’t save me from sinking. I had to keep us all from drowning. No one else could.
Even to this day after everything that's happened, sleeping in a bed that used to sink under the weight of a loving couple, still feels cold. It’ll never be the same without you here. Holidays where you used to be here. A presence missing in a warm house.
I go outside when it’s raining sometimes. I let the rain soak in my hair and roll down my face gently. It reminds me of you, how I’d run to your bed when there was a thunderstorm. You’d hold me and tell me you loved me. The rain feels like your embrace, soft and gentle.
You left earlier than you should have. That fact will always stand. But you gave me enough love to where I could keep all of us alive. Even then, surviving is easy, actually living is the hardest part. You gave me enough love to where I could keep living after you left. And that’s all I ever needed.