Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Bocchi-chan, I'm really sorry but for your actions….you have been kicked out of the Kessoku Band. I hope you accept the results of the discussion we had as a group. We had uhh..a really thorough discussion about this and..we just decided to kick you out, I'm really sorry Bocchi-chan.”

…….

“Bocchi…I'm sorry it had to come like this, I hope we can still be friends.”

N-no…..

“Hitori-chan…I'm really sorry but we tried everything. I'll remember you! I swear!”

“N-No p-please I-I’lll d-do a-anything! I'll do anything! I swear!”

“I'm sorry Bocchi-chan…”

“N-No p-please! I'll…”

“I'll…..”

“I'll….”

“I'll…….”

And from that moment on, the world became Black and White. It was world-changing for me and it took away every bit of shining light of the world away from me.
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It's been a few years.

The Kessoku Band succeeded without me.

They have been all over the world and from the last I saw them online. I could see that they owned such luxurious stuff and such nice cars to drive in, they even looked so cool in their new outfits.

They even brought in a new guitarist…she’s an extrovert unlike me and she plays the guitar way better than I do…

Their lives have improved tremendously, Nijika-Chan finally got her dream fulfilled and everybody is having such a good life! Haha….

I even heard that Sideros and Sick Hack have enjoyed a pretty successful career, in fact, I just heard that Hiroi has been 5 years sober, good for her since the last time I saw her, she was still a drunken mess haha….

As for me? After I got kicked out of the Kessoku Band, I grew extremely ashamed of myself and it didn't help that people kept recognizing me as a former member of the Kessoku Band...I was a disgrace to my family name and the pain was incredibly unmanageable, it got to me really hard and even began to affect my family as a whole.

Reminded of my constant failures, I shut myself in and started changing myself, so I couldn't be recognized anymore.

I've changed my identity, my looks and everything there was about me. It also helped that we moved to a new area, farther away from Shimokitazawa and I couldn't go back to Kanazawa for a-while because even it brought back all the bad memories and everybody now knew I lived there. I did anything to get away from there. Anything to get away from my old life. Anything to get away from the shame I've brought to my family's name.

I couldn't even bear the shame I'd brought upon myself and I didn't deserve to have this guitar by my side anymore, to have these pictures for myself so I even threw away my guitar and almost all the pictures I've had of the Kessoku Band.

Then my mom forced me to get a job and I managed to land myself in a cashier role, something I didn't desire at first but nevertheless, I accepted since I had nothing to do and it helped conceal my true identity.

Slurp

I took a sip from one of the energy drinks I have while watching the new Kessoku band music video which has about 118 million views. My channel used to get even 1% of that when it was at its peak. Oh how far I've fallen.

And it's only been three hours or so, no doubt they will gain more than that, I'm sure of it

Thinking about how successful they got without me….It just makes me cry…it's what I've wanted my whole life, my dream and everything and then it got snatched away from me, this was my dream, my life I've worked towards and it just…all gone...just like that...it didn't even matter anymore.

Oh……

It's all my fault.

I allowed myself to be selfish one time and now I unfortunately have to suffer the consequences of my actions.

I was so selfish…I was so stupid...I couldn't believe I betrayed them like that….and yet I did…

But…

What I did must have been a good thing…right?

I mean…after I was gone, they replaced me with a way better guitarist.

A-and t-they even went more successful than we ever were when I was there! They became nationwide famous! Even internationally famous! They even have fans across Europe and America now!

And everybody's lives improved so much!

Maybe in truth…I was the one holding them back…

That would explain everything.

Maybe if I hadn't done…

And then the alarm clock rang,

When the alarm clock rang, I immediately freaked out and hurried up to shut it off as quickly as possible.

It just hit me that I had pulled an all-nighter and it was all because I was thinking about the Kessoku Band again. The alarm clock was an absolute shock to me!

But oh...

I really missed those times.

I was shining back then.

I wonder what they would even say if they saw me now? They don't even text me anymore.

Eh, I'm sure they’ve completely forgotten about me. What am I even doing? Meeting up with my former bandmates was nothing more but a pipe dream and I need to get up to reality.

As the days usually go, I got up and got out of my room to brush my teeth.

While I was brushing in front of the mirror with my usual heavy eye bags and fucked up makeup. My body looks skinnier than usual, probably because I haven't been eating well but it doesn't really matter.

I noticed that my hair was getting longer again, so I picked the scissors nearby and began cutting my hair to a desirable length of short hair.

I have grown pretty used to cutting my hair at short length and at this point, I have been doing it for years now. I asked my mother for help in this regard and I can finally do it myself, hah.

Quite a t-talented barber I am, haha

I got ready for work and cleaned up the house, both of my parents weren't at home like usual, the two of them must be working.

I then finally headed straight for work, wearing my work clothes under my grey tracksuit. It was the usual procedure

I've entered the store I work at and it seems I’m early at work. I quickly grabbed the mop and began cleaning up the place.

The place looked so dirty, it only rained yesterday and there was dirt everywhere, mud from the boots around and spider cobwebs, it’s like all of my efforts went down the drain.

But I didn't mind. It gave me time to think about something else, something other than the Kessoku band and thus cleaning up the mess the restaurant was in was all I could think of and it was all I could focus on.

I even cleaned up the parts that were already cleaned, I’m such a clean freak haha...

Then my co-workers showed up and I notified her of the jobs that were done and she seemed relieved that she had to do less work and went to restock the shelves.

Afterwards, I helped my co-workers with restocking the shelves, even making sure that I was stocking these items in the right places.

After we were done, I went to the door, flipped it from “CLOSED” to “OPEN” counter and took up the role of the cashier, taking off my tracksuit and getting ready.

The first notable customer to enter was also the first person to enter, a regular who has been here daily, he picked something up. His usual favourite chips and puts it on the counter which I grabbed to scan.

“Hey! How are you doing buddy?” He said as I looked at him.

“I'm fine, what about you?” I responded with a small smile towards him as part of the usual unofficial protocol as a cashier whilst scanning the chips. I've known how to fake a smile since my days at the Kessoku Band.

“Doing well, good to know you're doing fine!” He said happily, I was done printing out the receipt and handed the chips alongside the chips over to him.

“That will be over 389 yen please,” I said to him as he came prepared and put 389 yen exactly on the counter I grabbed all of it, made sure to check and it checked out! Exactly 389 yen! I put the money into the cash register machine.

“Thank you! Have a nice day!” he said enthusiastically with a smile as he grabbed the chips and the receipt.

“Have a nice day!” I replied enthusiastically as unusually, He nodded and walked off, it was just like that. He would come in, take an item which is usually his favourite chips, put it on the counter, put down the exact yen to pay for it and then I'd give them the item and they’d leave and this will repeat for every day of the store opening. He’s one of the few good parts of my life.

A couple more customers came in before the second notable customer of the day appeared, another regular usually wearing her beanie, tappered pants, purple hair, death metal t-shirt and always looking tired and at the same time she looks like she smokes cigarettes.

She grabbed an energy drink and went immediately to the counter and put it down which I grabbed and scanned.

“Hey prick, I've noticed you’ve been here for the last 5 years. Aren't you gonna get a new job?”

I took a look at her with confusion, have I been working here for that long? Really??

I then decided to quickly respond, trying to throw her off since I have no plans to change jobs and this particular job helps hide my Identity.

“I have no desire to get a new job…”

“Well, that's a shame. I was hoping you’d be out of this dump; hell most former employees here have gotten way better jobs than you do now.”

They replied seemingly concerned for me as I scanned the energy drink, but I didn't reply to that. It wasn't any of my business, and this job helped to conceal my identity.

“In fact, I heard this…stark guy became a soldier, you remember that purple-haired girl with the purple eyes? Yeah, he got with her and then this Makoto guy, he became the ultimate hope for the school and there's also this…”

She started to go off and off, Stark was a soldier? I never would have thought that he and that purple-haired girl with purple eyes would end up together? I guess the rumours that she was just visiting the store to see him all along were true..and Makoto? It was just a part-time job for him here, he was still a teenager, and then she went off and on about the amount of people that worked here. Who, where they are now, how they are doing and how they're all living much better lives than me.

I just didn't respond, it wasn't my business and this job helped to conceal my identity and gave me something to do.

I just ended up giving her the drink and the receipt.

“That will be 108 yen please.”

I replied with a smile as she put down the 108 yen, seeming to have something to say.

“Thanks but please do me a favour and find a nicer job than this.”

“I'll try.”

I answered in the best tone I could as she went up and left, what a pestering customer. She wants the best job for me but to tell the truth, this is as nice of a job as it can get for me, for the situation I am in, for the circumstances I've put myself in.

Then I immediately stopped smiling and saw a girl sitting on a table not just far from the counter, she maintained yellowish brown, hazel eyes and just looked like a film student, for an odd reason. She looks so familiar.

And suddenly, I grew nervous.

What if she could recognize me? What if she recognized me as Gotoh Hitori? The former guitarist of the Kessoku Band? The member that should be shamed for what she has done to society?

Was my hair too long? Are my eye colours that obvious??? Did I act too much like my old self???

And it doesn't help…that she’s staring at me! Oh no…oh no…oh no…oh no…

SHE’S WALKING TOWARDS ME!!!
Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono-

And then she came up to a child and hugged him, as another woman came up to them and it seemed like they were a family, they finally left the store and everything was back to normal.

I sighed a sigh of relief.

“Hey, uhh Suzuki-Chan?”

I heard my name being called and immediately freaked out and then I looked towards my co-worker as I breathed a sigh of relief, she always does this.

“Manager-san wants to see you. I'll take over the shift for tonight.” They said as I plainly just nodded and went to the manager's room, it was the standard at this point.

“Suzuki-Chan! Nice to see you here!” the Manager said as I decided to sit down; she sat down. “M-manager san,” I said and decided to bow towards her as she non-verbally gestured at me to stop bowing to which I stopped bowing.

“I would like to tell you that your salary has been raised.” The Manager blurted out loudly as I…felt completely nothing.

“T-thank you Manager San.” I responded coldly as she smiled, not noticing anything with me and went on to add. “You deserve it, you’ve been doing overtime and you’re even helping in areas you’re not even supposed to be helping with. Even when you were sick, you still worked here and helped us out.”

“I could say that you're the best employee I've ever had.”

I decided to smile at her, I didn't wanna disappoint her by not giving any expressions at all. I've gotten used to this and so I forced myself a smile, an insincere smile and a smile that hides away the pain that I've been suffering from.

“Thank you Manager-san..y-you d-don't h-have to”

“Oh no, don't worry. You deserve this.” The Manager replied in a really appreciative tone, she really appreciates me, heck she doesn't even deserve me

And so I forced myself to give another smile again to show my dishonest appreciation of the manager-san’s comments.

“Can I go now?” I then asked after I stopped smiling, an empty tone of voice as always as the Manager-san nodded before I got up and decided to go back to work.

It was another work day.

After a long day of work, I finally went home, ending my workday by throwing trash bins in the nearby dumpster.

The work was loaded and I had nothing else to focus on except for work and I did work, work, work and work.

But now that there was no longer any work and it was time to go home, I made sure that the place was clean one last time before going home. Putting up my grey tracksuit as usual and saying goodbye to my co-worker and manager-san.
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I finally arrived home and from what I could see in the windows my parents were there having dinner, I opened the door and went inside as they took notice of me.

“Welcome home hitori!”

My father said, welcoming me as always.

“How was your day hitori-chan?”

My mother asked as always..and I decided to give the answer I've always given when I got used to it.

“It was okay.”

I said in a monotone voice and a cold face, such a routine. Being asked the same thing and answering the same thing.

My mother and my father didn't know what to do so I closed the door and went on to sit at the table as my parents were already done. My mother went first as my father stood up and gave me some pats on the head.

“Hitori, we’re here for you okay? I just wanna let you know.”

I coldly nodded, it still wouldn't change my feelings as my father went and I began eating.

The food was delicious as always but I couldn't finish eating, I only ate half of the plate and that was enough. I used to eat less than this before my parents took notice. I would finish the food but I just couldn't be motivated to do that.

I then went into my room and pulled out my phone again…I searched for any energy drinks I may have had.

And unfortunately, I've run out of drinks which really bothered me. I'll make sure to buy some tomorrow.

I was going through my liked videos and saw some old OhTube videos that were still up on the Kessoku Band’s OhTube, the thumbnail depicted Nijika, Ryo, Kita and….me having fun in summer.

…huh?

I clicked on the video confused as to how it was up, usually, they did take down some content with me involved in it but this somehow stayed up..well it didn't have so many views so that could explain that.

“Hello fans of Kessoku Band! Today this year we are having fun out in Summer!” Kita-chan greeted the viewers enthusiastically. She was looking at the camera with her charming and amazing smile as she seemed to be holding out the camera and pointing it towards Nijika-chan.

“This is the third summer the band has been through! I'm gonna have a lot of fun with the friends I treasure so much!” Nijika-Chan said enthusiastically, a delightful smile on her beautiful face. Nijika-Chan had always been so positive.

“Ryo-Senpai?” Kita-Chan pointed the camera towards Ryo-san who looked inscrutable, Ryo-san at the time was still not used to the camera. It didn't help since I beat her at a game around this time.

“I hope to eat as much tasty food as possible.” Ryo-san said in a tone that made it obvious that she was probably reading it from a script. Probably a script that she wrote by herself, I couldn't remember the details.

“Bocchi-chan?” Kita pointed the camera to...Bocchi…Me….that was..me?? I looked just so colourful and full of life…

“U-Uhm I-I-I…I-Ii H-Hope T-To H-Have F-Fun?” Bocchi said as awkwardly as possible, imaginary tears coming out of her eyes with an awkward smile.

“Hahahahaha.” Ryo-san seemed to find Bocchi’s stuttering to be amusing from her point of view to the point she had to cover her mouth as Kita-chan just awkwardly laughed it off. I was always like this, oh the good old days.

“Anyways guys! You may get some sneak peek at what we do when we’re not making music and you may see just how much fun we have as not just a band group but a group of friends that treasure each other’s presence and......”

A tear dropped on the screen, oh god am I crying? Has my life really gotten that bad? It's all my fault.

It made me realise just how colourful my life was.

I cried myself to sleep watching the video, just watching just how much fun I had when I was younger and back when I was still in the Kessoku Band, Back when life seemed to be going so well right before I screwed everything up.

Back when I was still friends with the Kessoku Band, Back when I was still living my dream and being the best guitarist in the world.

Back when I was Bocchi.

Chapter Text

After our recent concert ended.

“Hitori-chan! You’re doing amazing today! You're doing even better than you did last year!”

“A-ah r-really? W-well thanks… I’m still trying my best when it comes to this….I wish I could have your confidence.”

“Really?”

“Y-yeah, what y-you did at the last concert was a-amazing of y-you.”

“Well, then I shall be your confidence!”

“R-really?”

“Yep, if you need me to say something to others. I will send that message for you!”

“a-ah, t-thank you.”

"No problem Hitori-Chan! I'm always here for you!”

“Hehe……i….lo-”

"SUZUKI CHAN!”

I suddenly woke up to the view that I was restocking the fridges with the energy drinks in my hand, I must have dozed off as always.

“Suzuki-Chan, are you okay?” 

She said as I turned to face my co-worker who looked pretty concerned to me, she's always worried for me and would always wake me up every time I doze off. Though she does think I have some problems that are causing this such as sleep deprivation, stress and my unhealthy energy drinks addiction..and there were other problems too but I didn't want her to know. 

“I’m fine.” 

I coldly lied it must have been the lack of sleep I've been having these past few days. I fixed my sleep schedule some weeks ago but it looks like sleep deprivation is back on the menu, after I said that She decided to put her hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me.

“Well…whatever it is we’re your friends, we’re here for you no matter what alright?”

I just stared at her for a solid minute, she always does this and I've just grown used to it, grown numb to it and while I do appreciate that she's doing this. I don't want her help because what if she finds out who I am??? She won't look at me the same way.

and so I just nodded before forcing a smile on myself.

 “Thank you..”

“No problem.” 

The Co-worker said as she walked away and we just got back on restocking the fridges.

Upon finishing the restocking of the fridges, I flipped the “CLOSED” Sign to the “OPENED” Sign and I went on the counter as customers would come in, put their items on the counter, I acted friendly and scan them and then I give them the items alongside the receipt 

Just another regular work day, It was all I could focus on...Working. 

Notable Customer#1 walked in, this time wearing a school uniform as he went off to buy his usual favourite chips, went to the counter and put down the chips with the yens and I scanned the chips and took the yens and gave them the chips.

"Thank you! Have a nice day!"

Notable Customer#1 said with a smile on his face as he left as the customers started coming in to buy their stuff, same day as always. It's pretty much every day now in my working life.

I pulled out the energy drink from my pocket and drank it wholeheartedly before going off to dispose of it in the trashcan, I've always been drinking alot of energy drinks so it's not really unusual for me.

Notable Customer Number 2 came in wearing a jacket and a skirt, blue hair as she got some alcohol and went to the counter and put down the bottle of alcohol, she looks like she just got wasted and she's just...so drunk right now. She reminds me of a certain someone.

Oh crap she didn't put down any yen.

"U-um..ma'am..you d-didn't bring out any yens.*

The Drunkard Customer Number 2 looked at the counter for a minute and then just put down some coins on the counter as if that is enough. I doubt it was enough

I scanned the alcohol and took the coins and..yep she didn't have enough.

"Y-you don't have enough..."

I said, breaking the news to her. The first time I did this to someone. I was so awkward and I was shaking nervously since at first I couldn't handle how to reject customers who didn't have enough for their items...but I've just gotten used to it and I've gotten cold.

"P-please...just l-let me.."

The Drunkard Customer Number 2 tried to beg and even gave me puppy eyes but...

"No... I'm sorry ma'am..."

I rejected her, even if I felt bad. The cameras were watching me and manager-san was a very strict person. Though...it did kind of make me feel bad but it's not the first time.

"Okay...next time I'll get enough."

Drunkard Customer Number 2 said as ahe grabbed the bottle of the alcohol and her coins, put back the bottle of alcohol to where it was and went away, i grabbed the energy drinks I had and drank it up before throwing it in the bin.

My heart hurts so much.

Still I went back to working.

While I was working I heard a loud commotion outside which made me look outside from my place

A guitarist and a bassist were playing songs together as a street gig, they seemed to be performing just a little above average but performed well enough to attract a crowd who were enjoying their crowd with two fans in front of them standing out who were both clapping, enjoying the music the two have been putting out.

“You’re doing great!”

A fan yelled out, showing her support for the duo as they played even better than ever. They even had the equipment around, flyers and posters around to advertise for their next concert. I kept staring at them as the door behind me opened and the manager came out. 

The Guitarist looked pretty young, just like me she had those eyes that look just like mine and she looked as tall as I was when I was her age, not to mention her hair is a darker strand of pink than mine. 

And the Bassist looked older with a contrast to the Guitarist who was standing up, she was sitting down and there was a bottle of alcohol next to her and from the way her head is tilted upwards, she was looking at the guitarist. 

It's almost as if…

“A bit of a commotion there, isn't it Suzuki-chan?” 

The Manager commented as I just nodded, watching them perform so well. 

“It's a disturbance Suzuki-Chan, can you tell them to play somewhere else?”

 The Manager requested me to stop the Commotion, she always stood on business and prioritised her job over everything else and as for me? I just stayed silent and didn't move an inch for some reason.

I wanted to say something but the words couldn't come out of my mouth. Was I supposed to say something? Why do I feel so weird about this? There's definitely a reason but I just can't put my finger on it.

My head hurts, this day has been too much of a pain. Why? Why??

And then I realised, I don't wanna stop their performance.

Then all of a sudden my body started moving on its own, the Manager cheering me as I moved up to the exit and my hand reached on the door as my heart grew tighter

Why…Why me?

I had gotten out of the building and slowly made my way, my body visibly shaking and it sent shivers down my spine, I didn't wanna do this at all.

The Performance they seemed to be doing was finished and It looks like they were about to do another one.

 I put my hand on the shoulder of the guitarist who was playing, and my chest started to hurt.

She froze up as if to stop the performance and I spoke out the following words in a shaky yet cold condensing voice.

“P-please s-stop p-playing here…you’re causing a commotion here.”

She nervously made a hand signal to the bassist that something was up and then the two turned towards me, with the guitarist being shaky. 

“I'm sorry! Please forgive me!” 

The Guitarist pleaded as if she got caught by the law and I'm the policeman arresting her. The Bassist took pleasure in the pain my fellow guitarist was suffering in and just giggled at the whole thing, bassists really are sadists huh?

 I quickly shook my head.

“N-no y-you’re f-fine! You're fine! You're fine!”

 I responded to her plea trying to reassure her and after a while, with the help of her Bassist friend the Guitarist calmed down quickly and nodded and turned back to face the crowd, she reminds me of myself and especially what I did with her.

I looked past her and saw the crowd looking at me with judgemental eyes, almost as if I stopped a beloved concert…

Oh no…

What did they think of me?

Worse yet…

WHAT IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME???????

“Well! That’s all for today! Thank you for letting us play here!” 

The Bassist said loudly and bowed down towards the crowd as the interested members grabbed the tickets and the crowd soon dispersed. I sighed a sigh of relief once again, it seemed to have diverted their attention away from me although I was starting to feel a little lightheaded. 

And the bassist looked towards me and offered me a ticket to their concert. 

“Thank you for letting us play here while it lasts! It was fun!” 

The bassist said towards me. I didn't even give them permission to perform here and yet they're so grateful to me.. Though I can't tell if they're genuine or not…or worse case, they recognize me. 

I took notice of their offer and they're offering me a ticket to their concert.

A ticket to their concert.

A ticket to their concert.

A ticket to their concert. 

“Ah…no thanks.” 

I replied in a depressed tone anr my heart grew much tighter, I seem to have gained control of my body and my free will.

“Alright, thank you!” The Bassist said as she and the guitarist walked away somewhere and I just went back inside the store.

The pain in my chest slowly grew bigger and bigger as I took every step inside the store and I was starting to run out of breath.

“You did a great job as always, Suzuki Chan.” The Manager said as I coldly nodded towards her as I was going back to the regular work. 

As I got on the counter at last, my eyes slowly closed and then my body fell over. The last thing I heard was both my co-worker and my manager screaming out my name and then I felt the cold embrace of the ground as I ventured off into the darkness.

Good night, Sweet Princess.

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Briefly I opened my eyes to see people carrying me around and to lights on the ceiling, as I'm being carried. My eyes would close off and open as I could never fully open them, what I am on isn't exactly comfortable either and I couldn't move much.

They also had really familiar faces and I started to hear familiar voices but before I could recognize them, my ears just shut down and my eyes closed on me.

I finally opened my eyes at last towards the ceiling, seeing the light and then Immediately realising that I am in the hospital by the looks of it 

I slowly turned to the right and saw my father sitting down on the chair who seemed really worried for me, he kept looking down and everything about his face just confused me more and then he looked at me as his face turned into a massive smile.

“Hanako??? You're alive!”

My dad said in a grateful tone as I got up and he gave me a warm hug to which I quickly reciprocated; While it was nice it was something I hadn't felt in a long time from my own parents, which made me confused.

“W-what h-happened dad?” I asked not knowing what was going on, Did something happen? What's going on? Did it happen again?

“You…uh…you had a heart attack.”

My dad answered immediately, breaking the news to me

I stared at him not being able to process anything, blocking out anything he said afterwards, there was only one thing in my mind.

I had a heart attack.

And that could have been the End Of Me. 

Did I really wanna die this way?

Well…

What other ways could I die?

I don't wanna die yet…

I have to live on for my family…for my parents and my sisters…it's what they wanted me to do…it's what Futari wanted me to do.

It's why I haven't died yet.

“The doctors did say that you should stop drinking these energy drinks and..that your blood pressure is a little high …Mom should be here in the next hour or so.”

 My dad said as I just nodded in response and just kept staring at the ceiling,I took a look at my dad and for whatever reason…he seemed…so…old? Like he is so old and I just realized it.

“Sorry…your..dad isn't as young anymore haha…ever since your little sister got old and went to America 4 years ago and got herself a boyfriend, time sure moves fast, doesn't it?”

My dad said with a reassuring smile on his face, he could read me so easily even after all these years of hiding myself and my thoughts.

Though…I took one look at him and…he’s unfortunately right. 

He’s still in relatively good shape but even I know that he’s growing old, his back isn't as straightforward as it is and his hair looks more grey.

The same is going for my mother too. 

I could visualise my future right now.

Me sitting at the table with no one left to eat with.

My dad and my mom have died

“I'm sorry Onee-chan, I'm busy in America.”

Futari is busy in America with two kids and her boyfriend.

No friends, No one to care for me.

And then I will truly be alone. 

Left to rot by herself. 

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I don't wanna see my parents die, I don't. I don't think I could ever handle it. 

Who's gonna be there for me once they die? Who? Who……?

“.....I promise you, we will always be here for you.” My dad said to me, attempting to reassure me, who seemed to have noticed the facial expression. Hearing that made my heart rest a little bit since I always know that he means it and that he would always be here for me. 

“I love you dad.”

 I said to him, the first words I've ever said genuinely these past days. The first words I've ever said to him sincerely and the first words I've ever said to him that weren't so cold.

“I love you too.” 

He responded by giving me another warm hug that I quickly reciprocated, I love my family so much and if it weren't for them...I would have...

Nevermind.

Let's just enjoy this moment for as long as it can last. 

I love you so much dad.

Chapter Text

“Hey! Hey! Hey!!!”

“H-h-huh?”

“You’re Bocchi right??? I'm a big fan of yours!”

“R-really?”

“You’ve inspired me to play the guitar…in fact, I've been practising 6 hours a day for 6 months! And that's all because of you!”

“T-that’s a-awesome!”

“Yep! Look! I even bought the Kessoku Band T-shirt under my green tracksuit!”

“T-thanks…”

“It's a pleasure of mine! I know I'm stepping out of my boundaries here but do you think you could perchance train me to be as good of a guitarist as you?”

“A-ah u-uhm.”

“It would be my number one dream to work with Bocchi The Rock! But it's okay if you don't want to.”

“a-ah n-no! I-ill t-train y-you!”

“REALLY?”

“THANK YOU SO MUCH I'M HONOURED TO BE THE ONE LEARNING FROM YOU!”

“A-ah n-no i-it's n-no problem! H-haha.”

“Thank you so much, Bocchi! Should I call you Bocchi-san?”

“A-ah b-bocchi s-san will do all right”

“Alright Bocchi-san! Thank you so much!”

“By the w-way can I..uhm…get your name?”

“Oh, my name? Wel,,l it's….”

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“Suzuki Hanako..” I said to a doctor standing in front of me who was holding a checklist note as she wrote down my name.

“Okay that will be all Suzuki-san, thank you for your cooperation and please make sure to stay in good health!” She said as I nodded and decided to walk off leaving the hospital.

The doctors finally decided that I was healthy enough to be let out and work my job, it took some time but I finally got healthy

But first I needed to go home to rest and for my trip back home, I decided to buy some Himemaru Rice Crackers, some Energy Drinks and some Popcorn since these were the only ones available at the time.

And that I've grown to like energy drinks.

As I was walking to my home, I looked at the small puppy on the street lying there by the trash can and I kept looking at them, looking like a shiba inu breed. Kinda like my dog.

I decided to stop walking and decided to start feeding the puppy a singular popcorn, it's just a singular popcorn so it's no big deal

The puppy ate it up and I could tell that the puppy liked it.

And so for absolutely no reason at all, I decided to feed it another one.

And another one

And another one

And another one.

“Excuse me but uh…what exactly are you doing?”

I heard right from behind me I immediately got frightened and immediately turned around to look at a grandma figure.

“I’m sorry, I was feeding a dog.”

I replied to her question as if I got caught, I didn't wanna be seen doing this but unfortunately, this grandma saw me.

“Well that's good of you, I come here every day to feed this puppy.”

The Grandma stated as she put down a box and opened it for it to be revealed to be full of rice and egg as the puppy started eating it, the puppy seemed to enjoy the food.

“Ah…”

I replied this isn't really what I expected but all right.

“Yep! He’s so cute isn't he?”

The Grandma started petting the puppy as the puppy continued to eat from the box, I took a look at the puppy and yeah, the puppy is very cute.

“Yes, he’s…cute..he looks like the dog in my family.”

I replied with a nod, remembering the late Jimihen.

“Oh, how are they?”

The Grandma asked, she was pretty curious about my dog which

“They’re…dead.”

I answered her in a sadder-than-usual tone. I really loved Jimihen and it was really unfortunate for him to die.

“Oh, that's sad to hear.”

the Grandma said feeling empathy for me and after a while, she stopped patting and looked towards me.

“Well it was nice seeing you, I must go now my house is nearby anyway.”

I nodded, it was getting super late anyway.

“Bye-bye.”

Grandma said in a cheery tone and decided to leave.

“Goodbye.”

I waved at her as I watched her leave and then enter the house, I began walking my way home but before that.

I took one more look at the puppy who seemed to be enjoying their meal before I decided to go home, that puppy was making me think about this time with Jimihen…and just how much I missed him…he was one of the last parts from what I used to be

I finally went home to check up on Alcohol-news related topics and then Politics and then I saw one particular news article that interests me as a whole…

“The Kessoku Band Guitarist FIRE Solo! || Kessoku Band’s Concert Live” A news article about their recent concert where they introduced their newest song and it had millions of views with the thumbnail of the New Guitarist that the Kessoku band has.

I wish that video was about me so bad.

I reluctantly watched it and watched as my former friends performed excellently in front of the crowd with the guitarist performing a good solo with tens of thousands cheering them on, just like how I was cheered by so many people and how my former friends are still being cheered by so many people.

During the solo In the midst of the band playing and the thunderous cheering that was going on, I grabbed the energy drinks I had and drank myself to sleep.

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I woke up and then stared at the Ceiling to contemplate life and…oh…

My room reeks of energy drinks as always.

I quickly grabbed the empty energy drinks next to me and threw them away in the trash can before grabbing my phone next to me and oh...

It turns out Futari, my younger sister left me a voicemail.

I decided to play the voicemail and listened to it, I hadn't heard my little sister’s voice in a while

“Onee-chan..I hope you're listening to this voicemail. Usually, you don't even listen to voicemails anymore and I know that because I've sent you some and you didn't even bother to listen to them.”

“So I didn't bother to send you a voicemail for a while until our mother told me about what happened to you recently and I've decided to send you a voicemail even if you don't even listen to it.”

“Onee-chan, It's been really fun here in America so far…I've made lots and lots of friends and I've even found a boyfriend…hehe.”

“My grades have improved too, I've got nothing but straight A’s now! The education here is really easy Onee-chan haha, I hope you're doing okay for yourself.”

“I love you Onee-chan, Get well soon! You're the best Onee-chan I have in the World!”

“Anyways, I hope to talk to you soon Onee-chan! See ya!”

Oh….

Have I been ignoring her voicemails…? I haven't even heard her voice in a while.

That's right….

I don't check my voicemails anymore….I didn't have the need to do so after all that has happened and since I've pushed everyone away….

I could feel myself wanting to tear up, I don't know why, did I miss my little sister that much? Or is it that I ignored my little sister and focused instead on being miserable myself? I don't know why but it just makes me wanna cry…

I must be forgetting something.

Right, Work. I need to go to work. I need to go to work. I need to go to work.

I went to the bathroom and took one look in the mirror for a moment to contemplate my looks.

I look like shit.

I took a shower and afterwards took a shower

I then did the usual, which was to clean up the house and get ready for work for the store.

When I finally made it to the store, I saw that my manager was at the counter, the shelves had already been restocked and that my co-worker was cleaning up the floor, usually those things are what I do.

“Suzuki-chan? Back so soon?”

The Manager took notice of my presence once I finally entered the store as my co-worker waved at me who looked so relieved that I was alive.

I took a look at the manager who looked incredibly…worried for me. That's unusual….

“Do you have something for me to work on?”

I asked, hoping to work on something for me to focus on, to take my mind off something.

“Suzuki-Chan, you suffered a heart attack…I want you to know that's no joke..you really should take a rest.”

The Manager said in a concerned tone, she seemed REALLY Worried for me.

“Come back when you have fully recovered Suzuki-Chan, you’re free to leave.”

The Manager turned away to look at the cash register and I was left perturbed at what manager-san said.

Really? I get that the manager is really worried for me…but I really wanted to work! I need something to focus on instead of getting miserable 24/7 and besides I need to fulfill my work as an employee of this store. I haven't even missed a day!

I walked to the counter and looked at the manager from the opposite side, I put my hands on the counter which made her look at me confused.

“Manager-san I…I wanna work.. please let me work... I even got everything ready! Please let me work!”

I bowed my head down by the end of my plea to her, I REALLY wanted to work, to have something to focus on.

The Manager looked at me with a really confused look at first and then with a concerned look second, it's almost as if she felt pity for me…god I am pathetic, aren't I?

“If you really want to work…I'll let you work but are you sure you don't wanna rest for today Suzuki-chan?”

I nodded, really wanting to work, wanting something to focus on.

She’s giving me the Pity look, did I screw it up??? What do I do???

After some time, she finally made a decision for me.

“Okay.. I'll give you something to work on, it's very easy work. Take out the trash bags from time to time, they get filled all the time. The janitor will be late.”

I nodded, it was something I always do and it's something that can make me busy at least, I can live with this.

Somebody tapped me from behind which made me turn around quickly to find my co-worker... My co-worker was there all along.

“Suzuki-san, you’re gonna do great! Trust!”

My co-worker said as I didn't know how to respond and I just gave them a smile with a little nod to show that I appreciate it, even if It may be insincere at best. They didn't even know what even was going on.

My co-worker then gave me a thumbs up which I reciprocated by giving the thumbs up as she went to the store door and flipped it from CLOSED to OPEN.

And so I got ready to do my job, I started putting any trash within the store inside the trash cans, emptying the trash cans into the trash bags and then throwing them into the dumpsters.

I tried to avoid attention, not looking at anybody since my job was to clean everything up and my eyes were only on the trash.

My manager was acting as the cashier with my co-worker helping her out.

After the time passed, I finally took out my last trash bag of the day, and so I decided to go inside the employee-only room to find any remaining trash left she could throw into the dumpster as always, it's always the last thing she ever does before leaving the place.

I opened the door to the employees-only room and the room was unusually dark but there was still enough light for me to be able to look around.

As I stepped in and looked around for some trash and searched for it, I heard familiar voices coming nearby.

“Hey, can you lock that door?”

The Voice of my manager! She was unaware that I hadn't left the store yet!

“Sure.”

The Voice of the janitor who only arrived a couple of hours ago!

I quickly turned around and saw the door being closed off by the janitor and not wanting to be locked in, I quickly began running straight at the door, hoping that I don't get locked in yet.

“NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO-”

And the Door closed and only a second after that, I made it to the door.

I tried to open the door but the door was already locked as I began banging on the door hard.

“Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! I'm here! Can't you all hear me???”

But Nobody came.

And to make it worse, the lights ran out and now I was in a room full of darkness.

Goddammit, why did I have to be so late????

I stopped banging on the door and just sat down leaning towards the wall.

I reached for my pocket for my phone but then…

I realized very quickly that I don't bring my phone to work at all and the days I do bring my phone are very rare cases.

Oh boy, this sure can't get any worse for me.

I looked at the Emergency Exit Door which would ring the alarm and call public services and I began to contemplate if I should use it or not or…

Nah, I don't wanna waste the resources of public services and besides it would bring attention to me which is what I really wouldn't want.

Having nothing to do I just decided to look up at the ceiling, the room was in almost complete darkness. I can’t describe the darkness but at least I could at least see the colours of the ceiling and the floor but nothing else, that must mean I'm not dead yet unfortunately so there that is.

Maybe I can just wait this out…they can hear me out, right?

I'll just wait..it won't take that long for someone to notice that I'm still here and then I'll easily get out.

Five minutes

Ten minutes

Twenty minutes

Forty minutes

One hour

Two hours

Three hours

Four hours

I'm gonna be stuck, aren't I? It's getting late and no one has yet come to save me from this pitiful miserable dark mess of a room.

I ended up just simply lying down and rolling around right before I hit something

Ow my head

Well, I had nothing to do so..I stayed like this for a while…

Until I decided to get up and…

A black electric guitar.

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I sat up and just kept staring at the electric guitar sitting there for a while, I didn't even know it was there up until now…did the Manager just set the guitar here for now? What happened?

A guitar like this looked exactly just like the first guitar I've ever had, the one I played when I was guitarhero and the first guitar I brought over and played with the Kessoku Band…It looked too much like that…

No…

This is exactly the same model, how did…? No not just that…

The Guitar…I remembered when I was first inspired to play it by watching Instorms and just how fun it was to play it, how the instrument became my confidence and how the instrument brought me fame and fortune. In fact I used to cling to this guitar as if it was my lifeline.

Playing the guitar is something that I really really loved..but the unfortunate circumstances have changed that.

I haven't played the guitar in a while now…and I felt like I would never do so…heck I never wanted to play it again…

But

I'm starting to feel a temptation to play it, an inch to play it just from the sight of it, I want to play it…NO! I NEED to play it!

My fingers are starting to scream for me to grab it, plug it in and begin playing it, they are screaming for it hard.

I remember the thousands and thousands of fans right in front of me as I played the guitar at one of our concerts. The cheers, the reactions and everything I've received. It was stimulating for me and I loved it. It was what I lived for, something I have always fantasized about and it was even part of why I picked this guitar up.

But I shouldn't.

No, really...I shouldn't.

I could get recognized, somebody could just walk in and hear the way I play, the way I rock. Anybody could recognize the way I play and just how I look on the guitar

Without a doubt and a hesitation in their mind, They would all say

“That's Bocchi! The Former Guitarist of The Famous Kessoku Band!”

Aughh…

But I really want to play it.

The urge is growing every single minute I look at the guitar

Maybe if I just look away…

I looked away

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My eyes want to look at the guitar again!!!

It's almost as if my entire body is yearning to play it again, to feel the sensation of playing the guitar, a longing to play it again.

But I don't wanna do it.

I'm Suzuki Hanako.

This lifestyle isn't for me anymore, I shouldn't even be wanting to play the guitar anymore but yet I somehow do, it's a complete contradiction to what my persona is!!!

Maybe just holding it wouldn't be so bad….

I took hold of the guitar and put it on and looked at myself in front of the mirror and wow…it fits…it just…fits…I don't know why but…

“Hey!”

I quickly turned to look from behind me and saw the janitor looking at me with a curious face. The door is open and the room is a little brighter than what it was.

“If you're wondering about the guitar, the manager has it. She plays it as a hobby.”

The Janitor explained

I quickly got up and brushed off my legs to clean up the dust and dirt off me looking messy as hell, not to mention stinky.

“O-oh no..sorry i was.”

“What are you doing here anyway? It's 6 am and you look like you haven't slept at all.”

The Janitor said, in a judgemental tone, he’s always spoken in such a judgemental tone...never giving me enough breaks even though I do his job most of the time.

“Sorry...I got stuck here haha-”

“Go home and take a shower, you smell of trash. Now get out of here.”

Ouch.

Damn, even he notices just how much I've stank up due to all the trash I've picked up and without cleaning myself.

“S-sorry sir.”

I said not wanting to cause trouble, I decided to leave as early as possible to go home.

I can't believe I almost touched the guitar…Manager-san’s guitar out of all people. That was so stupid of me, it's her guitar. I shouldn't have even thought of touching it, that is Immoral. What if Manager-san finds out? I would surely be punished... though she isn't the type of person to do that over a simple guitar though...I hope so at least.

But I think it was a good thing that I didn't touch it.

And I hope I don't get to deal with anymore of this.

Chapter Text

“Bocchi.”

“H-huh?”

I was just sleeping on the bed right next to Kita-chan when all of a sudden Ryo-san woke me out of nowhere. We’ve been getting rest ever since that exhausting concert that somehow lasted over 40 minutes 

And then I had to do all these autograph signings and all kinds of stuff.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

It was unbearable.

Though It’s night time, why did she wake me up? Without hesitation, I sat up.

“Bocchi, I need to tell you something important.” 

“Okay…what is it?”

“There's been a strange person following us around everywhere we go and by everywhere, I really mean everywhere, they’ve really been creeping me out.”

“R-really?”

“Yep…they’ve been at every merch signing, every concert…hell every hotel we take, every city we travel

To, they’re there too. Even I caught them taking a picture of us when we were just walking to a nearby cafe. No doubt they’ve taken pictures of us everywhere. It's been bothering me.”

“Really?? Is it really that excessive?”

“Yep but the worst part is that…It wants me.”

“HUH????”

“Yep, they only ask for my autographs…and nothing else…”

“I-is it really that bad?”

“They followed me to a restroom and...I wasn't comfortable with just how close they were to me.

“WHAT?”

“Yep.”

“A-ah.”

A degenerate fan.

Online, I've read a thousand things on the degenerate things that degenerate fans have done to their idols and how it would always seem very uncomfortable, even some of the Idols would confirm that they felt incredibly uncomfortable by what their “fans” were doing. 

I never even thought I would actually be in such a position.

Is this our very first degenerate fan? Our very first one? I do feel a sigh of relief that it wasn't me that got the degenerate fan but…

Oh well.

This was unavoidable.

I have to help Ryo-san no matter what.

“R-right how do you know all of these?”

“I've just sorta been observing them at some point.”

“O-okay…but why are you telling me? And not Nijika-Chan?”

“She’s getting more stressed with the band and I don't really wanna bother her with this.” 

“Well w-we should call the p-police! Let t-them h-handle this.”

“No.”

“H-huh???”

“I'm gonna do it my own way.”

“A-are you sure?”

“Trust me Bocchi, I have a plan.”

“O-okay..”

“But In case I need a volunteer to help me hide a body, you’ll do the work.”

“WHAT???????????”

I could see Ryo -san covering her mouth as if she was laughing and meanwhile I'm over here scared for my life all of a sudden. 

Ryo-san…please don’t do that…

“Thank you Bocchi. Please don't tell Nijika.”

“R-right!”

“Good night Bocchi.”

“Good night Ryo-san.”

I sat down and then fell asleep.

Later I heard that the degenerate fan never bothered Ryo-san ever again

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I woke up to the sight of the ceiling of my room and without hesitation, I got up and in the midst of getting up I accidentally hit a couple of energy drink cans and they spilled all over the floor creating a very yucky situation. 

I sighed and decided to come outside my room in order to brush my teeth and then grabbed my mop and the bucket to clean my room as I headed straight to my room, placed the mop and bucket.

I grabbed all the energy drinks and threw them in the trash and then cleaned my room. 

I then went to the bathroom to wash my hand and went back into the usual daily routine, getting ready for work once again. 

And then I walked to my work with the same black tracksuit I have with the same work clothes under it. It was a long walk.

I've long accepted this, this is my life now.

This is the best case scenario for me.

I did my part and made sure to clean up the store, restocked everything and then flipped the CLOSED Sign to OPEN Sign. 

I got on the cashier counter as I saw the manager get out of her room and she went right to me to talk to me. 

“Hey Suzuki-Chan, how are you holding up? Are you getting some rest?”

I looked at Manager-san, she's really worried about me and I just nodded at her. 

“Okay, I want you to get as much rest as possible, don't overwork yourself alright? I don't want you to get another heart attack or even end up dead alright?”

I nodded again as the manager-san gave me some head pats which I admittedly felt oddly comfortable with. Hell it's been a-while since I've got headpats from manager-san

The Manager went away and I began my duty as the cashier. 

The first notable customer of the day walked in and it was him again, he walks here on the daily basis. Grabs his usual chips and walks over to set it on the counter. 

“Hello! How are you?” He asked as I took the chips and scanned it with him even putting up the exact amount of yens in advance. 

I responded with the usual with me giving them the smile“I am doing very well, what about you?” 

“I'm doing great.” They responded back with a smile on their face.

I took the yens, calculated it and then after verifying that it was the right amount I gave them the chips and the receipt. 

“Thank you! Have a nice day!” They said, grabbing the chips and the receipt and then walked away. 

The day went on as usual with the 2nd notable customer walking into the store today full on business suit, black pants, black shoes, black suit, black tie and a suitcase on one of their hands, they grabbed their cup of noodles with their other hand laid down the cup of noodles on the counter with five hundred yen on the counter. 

I grabbed the cup of noodles for scanning and then all of a sudden--

“Hurry up, I don't have all day. I got a business to do.” The 2nd notable customer said with a phone on their hand scrolling down Isosta as I nodded and scanned faster. 

And I decided to do my fastest yet to print down the receipt and count down the yen to the exact amount as quick as I could.

I grabbed the receipt and gave the notable customer #2 the receipt and whatever yen was left. 

“Here you go sir.”

“God you’re so slow. Lazy bums can't find anything more than a 9 to 5 job.” They said in a very annoyed tone before they put down their phone and grabbed the receipt, the remaining yen and the cup of noodles. 

I felt indifferent to what they said, it's not the first time a customer has been this rude…and at least it was better than what I was dealing with after I..

“Hey Suzuki-Chan.” I heard my co-worker call out my name as she put her hand on my shoulder with me turning towards her. 

“I hope you're holding up alright? That customer was rude as hell.” I nodded towards my co-worker to agree. 

“Do you want me to take over the shift? Or do I just keep restocking?” I shook my head as my co-worker nodded their head and gave me a thumbs up to which I reciprocated. 

The day went on as usual, sometimes I switched places with my co-worker and went to restock but I went back, swapped back and got back to my original position.

The Notable Customer #3 of today entered the store wearing a t-shirt merchandise of some unknown typical J-Rock Band that oddly feels familiar and they wore regular jeans as well, he went on to buy some yakult, a water bottle, chocolate bar and some chips before going to the counter and putting them on it and I grabbed the closest item nearby for scanning.

“Did you know that the Kessoku Band is gonna perform at the stadium here? In this city?”

And my eyes widened after that, I looked at the customer while I was slowly scanning the items. “R-really? I-is t-that true?”

H-huh? The Kessoku Band are gonna perform in a stadium??? In this city??? Huh??? How does she know...

“Yeah, they’re gonna perform here in a month, it's part of their concert tour, didn't you hear?” The notable customer #3 said and looked at her clothes now…

These were brand new Kessoku Band merch.

I should've known

“In fact, you're lucky since your store just so happens to be next to the best hotel in town.” 

Oh no.

“So there might be a chance for you to meet up with them! I'm so jealous…”

Oh no….

Nonononononono

I did not come this far just for it to all fall apart nononononononononononononononononononononono

A thousand no's came rolling through my head as I was finished scanning the last one and printed out the receipt.

“What's your favourite Kessoku Band Member? Mine’s the Guitari-”

“Here's your receipt ma’am.” I said in a formal way with a barely recognizable irritated tone.

I wonder if this girl recognizes me….

She grabbed my receipt and then paid me.

“Thank you! I can't wait for the Kessoku Band’s concert here. It may be a month away but I can wait that long! In fact I'll go here the day before the concert!” She said before going away. 

And then I started thinking to myself. 

Should I take the day off if that ever happens? I've never really chosen to take a day off work by myself but…

I could really do that..just to avoid confrontation with my friends, with my past. 

I've run away before.

It will not hurt to run away again. 

I could get really sick and that’ll mean I have to miss out on work. 

But I can't do that, that's just not who I am. I don't pass a day off even when I'm sick, tired or exhausted. I'm supposed to be a workaholic that's focused on work instead of anything.

I looked at my co-worker, went to her and put my hand on her shoulder. “Hey, let's swap places.” I said as if I'm asking for a favour from her. 

“Never thought you’d ask.” 

My Co-worker replied enthusiastically with a big ole smile on her face as I began restocking the shelves, making sure they were perfect down to the last detail and even cleaning up things unnecessarily. 

And yet in spite of every work I do, I still can't stop thinking about what that customer had said. I couldn't focus on anything but what the customer said

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My work was done at least, I flipped the OPEN Sign to CLOSED Sign as the Janitor finally cleaned the floor up and my co-worker waved at me outside. “goodbye!” They said cheerfully before leaving.

I shifted myself to my manager-san who was just looking at me with her mug of coffee. 

“Suzuki-chan, come with me. I need you.” 

I gave my usual nod and followed my manager into her room as we both sat down in our respective chairs. 

“Suzuki-Chan, I just wanna let you know that we really appreciate what you did for this store today…you’ve done an exceptional job every time you're on duty.” 

Ah, the usual. 

I gave her a smile and then sa-

“Though I just wanted to ask you something..”

H-HUH?????

Oh no…

Did she see how I was acting when I heard about the Kessoku Band?

Did I mess up? Did I do something wrong???? Did she finally realize who I am?????

“Are you okay? I saw that rude customer being rude to you, were your feelings hurt? Do I need to punch somebody again??”

Oh.

“Ah n-no need…I..uhm…I can handle it just fine.”

Haha.

“Good..” My Manager sounded relieved as she sipped her mug of coffee and got up.

 “No one ever should hurt my employees at all, I’m glad you don't feel hurt at all.”

The Manager looked proud of me and for a moment, I felt a rare moment of pride, I bowed down in respect towards the manager.

“Thank you Manager-san.” 

“No need for that!” The manager responded as I got up and after a-while of work and stuff, I finally left my work place feeling restless and tired.

I looked left and right across the road and noticed a taxi driving forward to which I raised my arm as if to signal that I needed a walk, the taxi stopped once they reached me as I got inside the vehicle.

“Where are we going?” The Driver asked nicely, she didn't wear anything suspicious or anything so I handed out the paper with my home address on it towards her alongside the money for the fare, choosing to not even respond to her question verbally.

The Driver nodded and looked at me in the mirror for a few seconds before she started driving away.

I looked at the cars on the roads and the people walking on the sides, it was completely in dark while the light would come and pass us sometimes. 

I kept thinking about the strange things that have been happening recently, I kept thinking about the guitar and then the Kessoku Band coming over and…

I looked at the front and saw that the driver just kept staring at me through the rear side mirror, sometimes looking at the front for a moment before looking back at me.

She kept looking at me to the point she didn't even drive immediately once the green light hit, she looked at the front again and then looked at me. 

Every second she looks at me is another second that I get nervous.

Every second she looks at me is another second that I get scared, afraid even. 

I could feel the tension just from how we haven't spoken to each other and yet look at each other. 

It's almost as if she could…recognize me.

And that frightens me.

We arrived at our destination quickly and I quickly got out of the vehicle and got to my beloved house

But just as I put my hand on the door handle, I looked behind me and the taxi was still there, creeping closely on me. 

Not wanting to look suspicious, I opened the door and got inside as quickly as possible

And then I closed the door and the windows and quickly got to my room.

…

Have I Been Found?

Chapter Text

Today was an extra special day since we were gonna have a discussion with an established merchandising company to discuss the deal with us dressing in our usual suit and tie outfit. I picked the pink suit & tie since I thought it would fit me best but...I think I just look awkward.

Nijika-Chan looks great as always, she looks great, smells great and damn...I wish I could look or even smell as great as her.

She opened the door that led to a hallway with an empty plastic cup in her hand

I am currently following her with her heading down to a nearby coffee machine whilst I keep my gig bag with me.

She usually goes for coffee every single day now, it makes sense since we're now older and signed to a band.

We started climbing up the stairs.

“How’s your day Bocchi-chan?”

Small talk? I guess I could make some time, we don't have much of this anymore.

“I-it's uhm…good…what about yours Nijika-Chan?”

“Pretty good, it was very busy but nonetheless pretty good.” 

I watched Nijika-Chan finally make it and she poured a french press coffee down the cup until the cup was filled up.

And then I watched her walk down the hallway as she enjoyed her coffee, it really seemed like the usual boring day, it's a routine at this point.

But to be completely honest. I've been…having my own personal issues with the Kessoku Band for a little while.

I've been wanting to confront them about this…but how exactly? 

I could just set aside my personal issues but…I can't stop ignoring it for long…

I kept following her as we both didn't speak to each other for a long period of time.

And finally I brought it up just as she was finished with her coffee. 

“Nijika-Chan?”

“Yes, Bocchi-Chan?”

*C-can…can we hang out..like we used to? I know we’re all famous and have gotten so busy…But I wanna hang out like the good old days…I-it j-just..feels like we’re becoming more and more corporate.”

That was stupid of me to confront her right now!

Why did I bring it up? WhydidIbringitup? WhydidIbringitup-

“Bocchi-Chan.”

Uh oh

“Is that really how you're feeling?” She spoke out in a really worried tone.

Ohnonononononono

Is she mad? Is it over? Is she mad at me? I knew I should have never brought this up-

“If so, then let's hang out together! I'll tell Ryo and Kita-chan!” She flashed me a genuine smile and spoke in such an enthusiastic tone.

Oh…Phew…

I sighed a sigh of relief and looked gratefully at Nijika-Chan with a smile on my face.

“Thank you Nijika-Chan.”

“No problem! We just have to do a couple of things before we will hang out like you want us to!”

Who knew that confrontation could lead to this? Hehe…Maybe I should confront people more.

With this at least I knew I could rely on Nijika Chan...while I do have some problems with them they're my bandmates. They’re my best friends in life and hanging out with them like the old days is what I'm now most looking for.

I hope we could stay like this for decades. Maybe even until we're grandmas.

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I puked in the toilet before I got up and then flashed the toilet.

I got out of the bathroom stall and went on to clean my face and my hands. 

I grabbed one of the energy drinks I brought with me, I opened the can and then drained it all before throwing it quickly into the trash. I've just heard that the Kessoku Band has released a new album.

My Co-worker and the janitor took a break off and it's just me and the manager now where all day we’re just been doing all the work by ourselves.

On the other note It's been a couple of days since I've encountered that taxi driver and without a doubt she completely knows me. 

To make it even worse the entire time of the encounter she was staring at me which I found to be incredibly creepy if I'm being honest.

No doubt that she knows me.

To make it even worse, the Kessoku Band is performing in my area and they will be staying in the hotel right next to the convenience store.

Why did it have to happen now?

I need to tell them about this, about everything before everybody truly knows who I am, before my cover could be blown apart

I got out of the restroom and I immediately headed towards a dark alleyway; looking around to see if there's anybody watching me and if there were any cameras nearby. 

I leaned myself towards a corner and opened up my phone and then waited a few minutes until the phone began ringing.

15:00 

“H-hello?”

….

“Y-yeah l-long t-time n-no talk haha how l-long has it been?”

….

“T-two y-years and six months?”

….

“Y-yeah.”

….

“I-i’m doing okay, w-what about you?”

….

….

“O-oh thank you..”

….

….

“W-what about that anime you were watching?”

….

“Ah…still no season 2? G-got it…I’m w-wondering how the studio is d-doing.”

….

“T-that’s great.”

….

….

“U-um yeah..I had something…s-something really important to tell you.”

….

“Well uh…it's just that….”

“It's..well…uhm.. I'll tell you later…how..h-how are they doing?”

….

“Yeah.. I'm…I'm talking about them.”

….

“N-nothing…I just…wanna catch up.”

….

“Look I’m r-really sorry…and I kn-know what h-happened and ev-everything was wrong and-”

….

“W-wait! Please don't hang up y-yet…I know what I did was wrong but-”

….

….

….

“Y-yeah b-but please listen to m-”

They hung up.

I am an absolute mess.

And I didn't tell them about the taxi driver.

How am I gonna deal with the situation? My cover is completely blown.

I closed my eyes and then slowly put the phone back into my pocket feeling incredibly disappointed in myself and I felt utterly pathetic and I knew that I shouldn't have asked that question. I would only make my situation worse and I did, I knew I shouldn't have asked that question and yet I did. They were so mad at me, I'm such a disappointment.

Without a care for the world, I grabbed another energy drink I have and then drained it all in one sitting. 

And another one.

And another one.

And another one.

And another one.

And then finally I drained down my last energy drink and before I knew it my chest felt a little funny for a moment and then my vision became blurry for a moment. It's always been like this for now.

I decided to ignore it before finally going back to work. I couldn't care less if it doesn't look right or feel right.

I got to the cashier counter and began working again until I felt a hand on my shoulder and then I turned around and before I knew it simply by her nails that it was definitely my manager.

“I've noticed you’ve been at this post for about 7 hours, why don't you take a break? I'll take over.”

Manager-san said and I just..shook my head off, wanting my mind to focus on work. 

“You’ve been focusing on work for hours…are you really sure?”

I nodded blankly 

If I don't work my mind will just…

“Alright…I'll just restock.” Manager-san said before she went off to restock the items, at least that's what I'll presume. 

I looked down on the counter for a moment and then my mind went blank not thinking a single thing almost as if my brain had tuned out all noises possible.

And then all of a sudden there was a hand on my hand which woke up my mind as I frantically looked up and quickly withdrew my hand away which seemed to scare the other person. 

“Sorry ma’am..you just seemed a little lost.” 

She said as I went on to gather my thoughts and brushed off any possible dirt off my work clothes. 

“Thank you-”

I took one look at her and without a doubt she…looked familiar…..Eerily familiar. 

She may be wearing a different outfit and the expression on her face may have changed a little bit but…that hairstyle…that face….no doubt it's….!

“You're Bocchi from the Kessoku Band, aren't you?”

…

…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“N-no..I.I-I have n-no i-idea w-what yo-you’re t-talking about.”

I responded quickly to her question.

No, how did they find out? How did they find out? Did someone tell them I was here? Did I cut my hair a little too short? Are they turning pink? Did my face look too familiar? Was I too much like my old self? Did I act like her way too much? 

What are they gonna do? Are they here to kill me? Am I gonna be kidnapped? Sold for Human Trafficking??? Am I gonna be blackmailed? Am I gonna get exposed? Will my face be posted on social media? 

“Disgraced Former Kessoku Band Guitarist works as a lowly paid employee at a Convenience Store.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And then I snapped out of my thoughts and then saw her smiling at me like a creep. Why is she smiling at me like that? Is she the devil? Huh? Huh??? 

“Oh, you're definitely Bocchi, the former guitarist of the Kessoku Band…wow! I can't believe I'd find you here out of all places.”

Nononononononononononononononononononononono

I was worrying about Kita, Ijichi, Yamada and everybody else involved with the Kessoku Band finding out about me.

And yet here I am…exposed by a random taxi driver. 

Maybe I could still deflect these “false” accusations back..convince her it isn't me at all. 

“I-I have no idea what you're talking about…tr-trust me…I don't.”

I said nervously, it's pretty obvious that in this state that it's definitely me…

“You're definitely Bocchi..you almost don't look like what you used to be…but you're definitely her.” 

She responded back with a smug smile on her face as I just stared at her, eyes wide open with a million thoughts running through my head, none positive. 

“Don't you recognize me?”

 She asked as I just looked away from her, staring at some random food on the shelves as if to feel ashamed of myself. 

“You're..t-the taxi d-driver.”

I answered in a defeated tone. 

“Well yes but I'm pretty sure you’ve seen me numerous times right?”

Huh?

“I was and still am a big fan of your band and I would get all kinds of autographs and stuff from you guys, well mostly Ryo but from you guys too.” 

Oh…r-right. 

“Anyways, you can call me Kaede, I'm actually a drummer and my friend next to me, you can call her Teruko…she’s a socially anxious bassist like you are but don't worry.. it's our band name just like how Bocchi is.”

I just noticed that she got a friend with her, she’s been pretty silent

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with this.

“And your manager just told me you're Suzuki…is that correct?”

I nodded in silence. 

“I see.” Kaede said, placing her chocolate on the counter for no reason. I grabbed the chocolate and scanned it. 

“You know when Nijika announced your kick out and the official Kessoku Band Twitta account confirmed it, I was stunned to say the least and to make matters worse, you were finally exposed as guitarhero after your expulsion. You were called a fraud and a liar…but I guess lying on the internet does bite back.”

I decided to stay in complete silence as it began printing out the receipts, closing my eyes a little bit in sorrow. 

“But I gotta say…I’m one of the fans that thought what you did wasn't really that horrible…and that you were a really integral part of the band. I didn't even know how the band would work but I guess replacing you with that guitarist worked huh?”

“In fact you’re slowly being forgotten. Almost as if you never really were part of the band right?” 

…I’m…being forgotten. 

I guess this is what I deserve afterall.

What happened all these times is nothing but my fault and this is the fate I truly deserve, to rot away alone is my fate. 

I put the receipt together with the chocolate and handed it to Kaede who decided to pay the appropriate sums of yen and gave me a folded paper. 

I grabbed the folded paper and unfolded it to reveal a very specific place and a very specific time which surprised me. 

“If it's possible…I'd like for us to meet somewhere.” She said in a tone that I could only describe as horrifying to a person like me. 

Should I really acceot this invitation? What is she gonna do to me? What is she gonna do? What's happening? Is this all an elaborate plan? Does she work for the Kessoku Ban? Was this all a plan for the Kessoku Band to track me down and then eliminate me?

I can't allow this to happen.

“N-no.”

 I answered, mustering up enough courage to answer. 

“Oh well.” Kaede turned around and seemed disappointed. 

Disaster averte-

“Guess I'll just post on the internet that the former guitarist of the Kessoku band is living here as a lowly paid worker at a convenience store in-”

“I'LL GO! I'LL GO!"

Kaede turned around once again to see me terrified and fearing for my life with a smug smile on her face. I can't believe I was being blackmailed like this.

*Good…now…I wa-”

“Get out of my store, you’ve been harassing her for way too long.” 

Manager-san appeared behind Kaede out of nowhere which has spooked both of them with arms crossed looking like she’s ready to take both of them down head on. 

Both of them then ran out of the store with Kaede giving me one last look before finally dipping for good.

Manager-san made sure they were gone and when they were gone, she headed towards me.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.. I'm.. I'm doing good…” I said in a worried tone as manager-san gave me a nod. 

“Call me if they come here and harass you again…I'll make sure to give them a smack.” manager-san said before walking away.

I just stared at the paper I was given and then I put it in my pocket and made sure to brush myself off any possible dirts.

And it took me a few minutes before a new customer walked in and I got back in the mood. 

Chapter Text

Two years after being kicked out…

I opened a can of energy drink and took a sip of it.

Satisfactory.

Drinking that can of energy drink has always bought satisfaction even if it may always be only for a moment. My mom and my sister had and have been begging me to stop wasting my life on energy drinks.

But why shouldn't I? My life as of currently has been nothing but misery, every waking moment I have is spent on me trying to keep my head out of the water and yet in spite of what my family did... I still wanna drown myself into that water again. 

And yet this energy drink can make me feel…satisfied but unfortunately it's only for a moment..and I wanted to relive that moment again and again and again.

…. I was so selfish….

….I shouldn't have done such things…

Maybe if I wasn't so selfish…Maybe I'd….

“Hey, are you okay?” 

I suddenly woke up to somebody sitting next to me, he seems to be carrying a gig bag on their back and they looked so worried for me. 

…

“Sorry…I'll go.”

I responded as I got up before they grabbed me by my waist which made me look at them. 

“It's fine..come sit next to me..you seem lost.”

Do they know who I am?

I sat next to them, grabbed a hat and put it on myself in order to hide my hair strand, they just kept staring at me and it kinda creeps me out. The worst part is that I cannot even identify them since they have sunglasses on.

Well it is summer…so I can't really blame them for that.

“You can call me Nakamura, lead guitarist of the CREATOR Band, yours?”

I didn't respond and just pulled out my peanut butter sandwich before….so his name is Nakamura...

“uhh alright..You..uh…look like a guitarist..what happened?"

Oh no

I just stared at them as a response.

“Oh it's completely fine if you don't want to.”

Crap, I'm being rude!!!

“Ahhh- n-no.. I'm uh..Yeah...I used to play guitar back in my old band days.” 

WHY DID I ANSWER THAT????

“What happened?”

The guitarist asked curiously making me a little bit more uncomfortable with the current situation, In fact I could feel myself tensing up.

Why did I have to make them so curious just now…

“I…quit because my band didn't want me to play with tjem anymore haha..”

I looked away and looked down, tipping my hat further down in order to hide my face of shame, trying my best to hide my eyes as a response to just how I've been tensing up. 

“Why? Did you do something wrong?”

Oh god…

How do I respond to this?

“I didn't do anything wrong.”

With a lie….No wonder why they called me a liar. I'm such a disgrace.

“Well then, why don't you just start a brand new career?”

Huh?

“Join a new band, go solo. Just because your band doesn't want you doesn't mean it's over for you yet.”

I did consider the prospect of going back, going solo and joining a new band but..

I've..already decided against it..but I don't wanna upset them so...

“I'll…consider it.”

I answered as I took another bite of my peanut butter sandwich before taking a look at them with my one eye.

“Alright, anyways I gotta go..my bandmates should be somewhere around here…Oh there it is!”

They got up and I watched them go to an approaching group which seemed to be their bandmates.

They linked up and at first they seemed to be having formal discussions and then it evolved into laughing and…they seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Just like how I used to hang out with my friends….

…

…

Where did it all go wrong?

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It's Finally December

The Convenience store seems to be temporarily shut down as apparently from what I heard on the local news, there was apparently a robbery in the store and the robbers had the audacity to damage a few things here and there so the store is gonna get repaired for a short while and that's why it's temporarily shut down.

Which is just GREAT. Now I have nothing to do and I have to face reality.

A sigh of disappointment from me. 

On the plus side, at least the manager-san made sure to paid us but I'm not sure on what to do with the money other than necessities and besides, I feel bad for Manager-san, she's doing so much for us

I kept the folded paper in my pocket ever since “Kaede” figured me out and gave me it citing a specific place and a specific set of time. 

Do I really wanna go? I could just refuse not to go and keep living a normal life and-

Well Nevermind…it's not like I really have a choice here. 

It's a good thing my parents lent me their car, from my time in the Kessoku Band. I did give them a lot of money to buy themselves a bunch of things including a new car which now is the car I'm using, it's also a good thing that I got a driver’s licence a year ago and drove a couple of times.

I went down to a garage with my car keys and checked the car to see if it's still reliable and could be used properly, even though my father made sure it was. I had to make sure it was. 

After making sure of the car’s reliability and such, I decided to finally go and drive my parent’s car as I went out to the road. 

It's my first time driving in a car once in a-while. The last time I drove was when I had to go and take Jimihen to the vet. 

The road’s been pretty nice, less traffic than usual which is just great for me and it could go faster.

I decided to turn on the Car Radio to listen to what was going on. 

“Hello everybody this is DJ EVIL. Today I'll be playing a personal favourite song of mine!”

Oh I wonder what song they're gonna play.

“This song is my personal favourite, a single that was released 2 years ago and was made by none other than the Legendary Kessoku Ba-”

I decided to turn off the Car Radio and enjoy the road. 

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I finally arrived at the destination and it appears to look like a closed off livehouse.

I decided to think once more to myself…Do I really wanna do this? I mean I've already arrived at the destination but..I don't really wanna do this, but if I didn't come they’d reveal everything about me and everything I've worked for, everything ive worked to try and not be Bocchi would all come crumbling down if I don't do it. 

And that alone is a problem. Worst yet, they probably won't leave me alone, heck they wouldn't even leave me alone until Manager-san kicked them out!

Though…

Maybe I could just call the police and-

“Huh, you made it, we’ve been waiting for you since yesterday.”

 Kaede said, a gigbag on her back with Teruko right behind her holding a giant snowball in her hand, they were both hanging on a nearby small tree which made me tense up.

“....Yeah I did…” 

I responded as I loosened my seat belt and got out of the car, closing my car door and keeping my car keys in my pocket. 

“The Best Guitarist in the world…shame what happened to you.”

Kaede said as she dropped out to the ground.

“Just get to the point.”

I remarked, wanting to get over this as soon as possible and from what I saw, I already wanna get away. 

“We want you to play guitar for us.”

“... I'm sorry but I don't have a guitar with me anymore.”

“That's why we brought you this.”

Kaede pulled out the gig bag and opened it only to reveal a white electric guitar and then she seemed to be handing it to me.

“I-I’m sorry..I- uhm..I…I…I don't know how to play it well.”

I responded in hopes of turning them away and for them to leave me alone. 

“You're Bocchi, aren't you?” 

Eh?

“You’re supposed to be the greatest of them all at Guitar! Just as good as Jimi Hendrix! C'mon!”

Eek! This is very demanding! They're definitely not gonna leave me alone!

“Y’know when I watched that interview of you, you said that you had no purpose in life until you saw the guitar, the very instrument itself and then you played it…you played it every single day for every waking moment of your life! And you're telling me you can't play the guitar anymore? C'mon!”

…..

“I-I'm sorry Kaede…I'm..not the person you want me to be I'm sorry-”

“Alright..just take a look at the guitar”

I took one look at the guitar and I became very fixated on it with my eyes staring deeply at it as there was a yearning to play the guitar ever again in those eyes.

For the longest time yet, I have longed to play the guitar again so bad that I….

“I could see it in your eyes, Bocchi..you wanna play it…don't cha? C'mon.”

Kaede said with a wide smile on her face as if a fan is watching their Idol about to give the best performance of her life. 

And yet…even in spite of the fact I wanted to play the guitar…the circumstances have made me uneasy, I’m being forced to play it against my own free will.

But what other choices do I have? 

 “I'll play…”

I hesitantly said and hesitantly grabbed the guitar, it's not like I have a choice anyways.

“There we go! Good thing I got an amp here!” 

Kaede excitedly said as she went off to seemingly get an amp as Teruko jumped down and she went close to me and got in my ears. 

“Please excuse my sister, she’s an obsessive fan alright?”

I slowly nodded as Teruko backed away and just in time for her to get an amplifier.

“Alright we’ll set everything up for you…andddd..”

Connected!

“There we go! Just as you desired!”

And here I am, a guitar in my hands…and willing to play….I never thought a day like this would come…

“What are you gonna play?”

Kaede asked me. 

I haven't thought of a song to play….

“I don't know…but I'll play.. I'll play.”

“Well whatever it is…we’ll start now.”

Wait…NOW?????

“In 3!”

Nononononono I am not Prepared, Nonononono

“In 2!”

StopthisstopthisstopthisimnotevenentirelysureifImevenfullyreadyforthis

“In 1!”

WaitIThinkIMightJustHaveASong-

“Go!”

And then I just started playing.

From the moment I started playing, my fingers were hurting alot and I was already messing up so much, messing up on everything not to mention, I got incredibly inconsistent with the song I had in mind and my timing was plainly wrong. 

Each strike at the guitar strings made my finger hurt.

And each strike would make it hurt more and more. 

I felt like my fingers were on fire and that they were bleeding, the calluses are tearing apart. 

I was feeling nothing but pain and yet for whatever reason I kept playing and playing and playing, 

Until eventually, I just stopped.

I started breathing deeply in and out as if I've been exhausted by the performance I gave. I needed a room to breathe in and my hands needed taking care of. 

Kaede and Teruko gave me a round of applause.

….really?

Teruko came close to me which was soon followed by Kaede.

“..Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah…I'm..fine..”

Teruko nodded and then backed away with Kaede coming close. 

“You're not that bad….but you're certainly not as good as you were.”

…You think so?

And then I took a minute to think about it and-

“Why are you guys doing this?”

“After seeing that performance I want the Real Bocchi back, THE Bocchi the Rock, I know that she's still here somewhere and I want her back.”

“H-huh? B-but I t-thought-”

“Do you think we were inviting you here just so we can make fun of you, call you nicknames like “Bocchi the Kicked Out” like c'mon. That's crazy.”

“Anyways, return to this place at the exact same time tomorrow…you can keep the guitar, it's yours.”

“R-really?”

“Yep, all yours…I bought it for you anyways.”

I stared at the guitar I have been given and looked at it…while it isn't her preferred guitar, it still looked good and works perfectly well.

“Make sure to practice, I'll be seeing you soon.” 

Kaede stated with a smile on her face as she and Teruko grabbed the AMP and the Equipment away a

They want Bocchi back…they want me back in the game….

I guess I’m back....?

Chapter Text

I recently got back from a concert, the concert took a long time and afterwards was even longer, taking photos and signing autographs, I felt like I was going sick any minute now and that I would burst into ashes just right this instance, the worst part is that I had to separate from the rest of the band due to some “difficulties” as the record label manager said and I had to come back to the hotel faster than them which luckily I had my bodyguards with me so I could feel secure and protected.

At first I thought that signing autographs was over, that all the stuff I had to do was all done there and then and that when I finally got back home, I could rest.

But even when I got to our hotels, there were still fans around, paparazzi on my face and such and then I had to deal with Paparazzi, journalists around asking for interviews and the fans asking for my autograph and due to my inability to say “No” and the fact that I couldn't find any easy non-embarrassing way to get out, I quickly found myself to be signing all the autographs that each and every single fan of mine asked for and this continued on for a very, very long time until my bodyguards thankfully had to force them out since I couldn't stop running out of fans and the fact that I had phones and cameras flashing at my face every moment made it worse, I was not used to this at all, the rest of the band can handle it super well but me? Noooooo haha-

The life of a famous rock star, I have read countless stories on the internet and I thought I prepared myself for this but nope, it's way harder and exhausting than what anybody could ever anticipate for, I'm not really accustomed to this and while I can confidently say that I got more confident, I still can't handle social situations with my fans that well, at least what I think so.

I at least bought a new vacuum cleaner as I heard it could clean dirt and dust and that I would finally not have to do chores, I don't really like having to do chores as they seemed really tiresome and I'd rather just play my guitar than have to do chores, cleaning stuff up, throwing garbages in the dumpster and all that stuff wasn't just for me.

Having this Robotic, Roomba Vacuum cleaner is a life-saver, I don't have to sweep and clean the floor all the time and hopefully soon enough, I don't have to do this in the future.

In due time, Kita-chan finally came back and she looked like she heard some sort of…bad news? She looked like she heard something terrible and then the worst part came next…she looked at me!!! What was going on? Did I do something wrong? Did her french fries get stolen again??? I didn't steal them!!!

Still I can't pay attention to that yet, I am still preparing my vacuum cleaner, it was robotic after all and I had to make sure it was reliable and that it wouldn't end up eating my feet, haha.

I finally then put down the vacuum cleaner, activated it and watched it clean the floor smoothly and nicely as I finally sat back on the couch right next to Kita-chan.

I took one look at Kita-chan to finally see why she had that look on her face and….She seemed so worried for me, almost as if there was something wrong with me, what really was going on? Did I really do something wrong?

“Hitori-chan? Are you okay?”

Kita-chan asked, I don't know what was going on…is there something wrong with me? I gotta ask her about it.

“I'm okay…why do you ask?”

Kita took a sigh of breath, her face unchanging….what is going on? Is there something seriously going on with me?

“Hitori-chan…you haven't been..performing so well…last concert..I noticed it, you were…different…and you got worse..is there something wrong Hitori-chan? Everybody has been talking about it, even Including Ijichi-Senpai and Ryo-senpai! They’re really worried about you.”

I had no idea what Kita-chan was talking about but she sounded so worried for me. Is there something wrong with me? Ryo-san and Nijika-Chan are talking about my performance??? Did I feel sick? No, I don't feel sick yet…ah…

Is it my guitar skills? Have they gone worse? I did notice that the way I played felt off lately.... .and it might be because……...well I can't tell her yet.

“I'm okay Kita-chan..trust me,.”

Kita doesn't look satisfied at my answer but she seems like she won't press any further which is good for me.

She put a hand on my shoulder, she looked really concerned for me and she really wanted to comfort me.

“If you say so Hitori-chan…if so..just remember that I will and always be alongside you Hitori-chan okay? I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I responded back and to my surprise in the moment.

Kita-chan unexpectedly hugged me and It took a moment for me to reciprocate it back as I felt the warm embrace of the hug from my beloved, a deeply comforting, reassuring and gentle hug with all the stress I have disappearing as I sank into the warm, gentle and comforting hug as she put her fingers behind the back of my head almost as if to tell me that everything will be alright.

Kita-chan is the person in the whole wide world that I felt the most comfortable with and I felt as if every moment I spent with her that I would be alright, that no one would hurt me and that my confidence was restored.

I love you Kita-chan…..I love you so much and I will love you with all my heart.

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I put the vacuum cleaner down on the top of the shelves as I took out the broom and began sweeping the floor of my house, cleaning every nook and cranny, throwing all the garbage in the garbage bag for me to put outside for the garbage truck to pick up.

As always I prepared for work, brushing my teeth and such.

And as usual I walked to my work with the same black tracksuit I have with the same work clothes under it. Another long walk.

As I was about to enter the store, Kaede and Teruko walked out as they were both seen laughing…and then they immediately spotted me.

“Hey! Remember the schedule alright? You’re gonna be there again? Right? Saturday 3 Pm?”

Kaede asked excitedly as I backed off uncomfortably and it seems I have to answer.

“U-uhm w-well…”

“Very good! I'll see you there!” Kaede said as she pats my back and walked away as Teruko just looked at me as if she just looked sorry for me and then shrugged before walking away with Kaede too.

…

…

…

WHAT SCHEDULE????

I looked at the store and saw the Manager looking at me with a smile on her face as if she just found out about…

Oh no…

Did they tell her about-

“Well..I didn't know you ended up going into music again, great job on you. That's great!”

W-W-WHAT????

I was flabbergasted at the fact that these two told her about the fact that I got into music, that I must be Gotoh Hitori the Former Kessoku Band Guitarist and how I'm back to being a Solo Musician …Shit..I knew I should have rejected, I knew I should have ran away and now my identity has been exposed….oh god I'm panicking!!!

“Come inside.”

The Manager kept the door open for me as I hurriedly just walked straight inside, trying my best to look like I'm ready for work as the Manager closed the door as she went back to her room, it seems most of the work has already been done, leaving me almost no space to work before the store could be open.

I went to the counter and tried my best to remain calm as possible.

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out

Breath in

Breath out.

Breath in

Breath out

I felt like my heart is gonna burst out any moment now, that my heart could stop and weirdly enough, it feels heavy…so…heavy..and so tight…my life is over as I know it…my life is over as I know it.

“Suzuki-Chan, are you okay?”

I freaked out as I looked to my side and- oh..it was just my co-worker.

“Yeah.. I'm okay.”

I said, still taking deep breath trying my best to calm down as my co-worker looked incredibly concerned for me

“Are you sure? You seem like you're panicking..you should probably talk to the manager and ask her to go home.”

I shook my head as I made sure everything on the counter is set up nice and steady, making sure that nothing is left out of the place and making sure nothing is dirty.

“Don't worry I can handle this..I can..I swear.”

“Are you sure? You had a heart attack, we can't have something like that happening again.”

I quickly got out of the counter, impetuously grabbed the mop and began cleaning the floor with my co-worker following me, I need something to fixate on or else I'll die, I need something to fixate on or else I'll die.

“Suzuki-Chan? That floor is clean.”

My Co-Worker said as I mopped the other part of the floor.

“Suzuki-Chan that floor is clean too c'mon.”

My Co-Worker said once again as I mopped the other other part of the floor.

And I kept doing this until my co-worker grabbed my waist and then forced me to stop cleaning the floor as she grabbed the mop away from me as she pushed me away enough for me to fall down.

“Suzuki-Chan…I know you're panicking man..but you need to calm down.”

“I…I…”

Breath in, Breath out.

“Do you want some snickers? It's on the house.”

Breath in, Breath out.

“N-no..thanks..”

Breath in, Breath out.

“Look Suzuki-Chan..whatever happened..just know that me and manager-san support you alright? What happened anyways? You can tell me.”

Breath in, Breath out.

“I…I….”

Breath in, Breath out.

“Was it because of these two that entered our store? Did they do something to you?”

Breath in, Breath out.

“I…”

Oh god..what am I supposed to tell her? What am I gonna tell her? What should I do?

Quick! Brain! Come up with a lie..come up with the best lie you could ever come up with! C'mon Hanako! You're a natural liar, you could come up with a great lie! Enough to convince her to get off you! C'mon! Say something!

“I…I became a solo musician…”

….

….

Is that the best lie you could come up with?

“Ah..Solo Musician…no wonder man, C'mon. I know how anxious that could be.. C'mon get up.”

She offered me a hand in which I took it and got up.

“I mean.. I'm a rapper, I know how tough it is..did you perform infront of a crowd or what?”

I nodded..Huh…I didn't even know you were a rapper until now.

“That's alright, I know how it feels…what are you doing? Singing? Or playing an instrument?”

“...I..I play the guitar.”

“I would love to hear you play the guitar..but anyways the store is gonna open in a few minutes so..we can talk about this in a few minutes, alright? You mind if I take the counrer?”

I nodded once again as she gave a pat on my back.

“Thanks..go stack the items up Suzuki-Chan..we care about you.”

I nodded as I went on to stack some items up.

Huh…

Suzuki-Chan…

She doesn't know yet?

This situation could still be salvageable!

The store was finally open as customers started coming in and taking their items as I waited around and stacked up the items.

As I was going to stack a bunch of Moffsters, my Manager suddenly appeared in front of me which shocked me as I went past her and quickly went on to stack the Moffsters into the fridge before I turned around to look at the manager.

“M-Manager-san?”

I nervously asked as I looked down in fear, I hope that she doesn't know my past identity, that I'm not some no-name employee and that I'm actually the Disgraced Former Guitarist of the Kessoku Band.

“Come with me.”

The Manager said as I just followed her, looking down in complete disgrace and shame.

I'm about to be sent to the gallows to repent for my sins, aren't I?

Manager-san…please make my death as painless as possible.

We both went inside the Manager’s room as we both sat down in our respective seats and between us, there was silence for a while..the Manager was looking at her computer and then I looked down..feeling nothing but shame of myself.

“You're a Solo Musician now, I take it.”

The Manager was the first one to break the silence closing down her laptop as I nodded.

“These two told me that you played a guitar for them, that you're gonna go off on a career to become a Solo Musician.”

I nodded once again, still looking down in shame.

“You know…before this store..I was actually in a band before..back in my high school days..all the way in 2015, I was the lead guitarist, I was really good at playing the guitar, it was my passion as a kid. Dumb kid thesedays.”

“I was the star of the show, I wrote the songs, had fun with them, performed in front of the crowd and we even got an enticing offer from a music label, that offer we rejected.”

“But then…uh..life happened..we split up due to personal issues and now we’re all caught up in our own personal lives…sure we had our dreams of making it big but deep down we all knew that we could never really make it big.”

“Not like We can do anything about it now even if we wanted to…..our bassist died a long time ago anyways..but still we’re all good friends..hell we even hangout eachother sometimes..”

The Manager slipped down her cup of coffee as I began to look up at her.

Yet despite the fact that their band split up and they never became famous, they stayed as good friends…they even hang out sometimes..

Why can't I have that?

Why?

“But I'm not gonna stop you Suzuki-Chan…I had the passion before and if that passion in you were to get reignited, I'm not gonna stop you…you wanna become a Solo Guitarist? I'm on your side..in fact I'd be willing to help you…cut your hours down…. I'll tell you this…from time to time..I still play my guitar..it was a way to calm my nerves and it always felt soothing.”

The Manager offered me her black electric guitar as I confusingly looked at the guitar…what does she want?

“I wanna hear how well you can perform again.”

I looked at the guitar…this is the very same guitar that I was tempted to play when I was locked up.

“But if you don't want to…You don't have to.”

I quickly took the guitar which seemed to surprise as I gently looked at the guitar and gently adjusted myself to it as I looked at the Manager.

The Manager nodded as she connected the guitar to an amp

“Suzuki-Chan, are you alright?”

I took some time to think of a music to play…and once I finally got the music to play nodded and the manager gave a thumbs up.

“alright…show me how well you can perform again……In 3…2….1!”

I started performing the guitar, it was my 2nd time playing the guitar so I have improved a bit…only a bit..All I wanted to do was impress my manager as I played the guitar with me staring right into the Manager’s eyes as she watched me perform with a keen interest.

However I coulf still notice the many flaws there was to my guitar playing, it was still terrible despite the improvement, I started to think to myself that maybe I should give up, that maybe this isn't all worth it.

But Nevertheless, I persisted, I needed to impress my manager and thus I continued to play and I was finally nearing the end of my performance and just when the end was coming, I was finally picking up my consistency amd finally gaining control of the guitar and then finally the song ended.

“Not bad.. I'd say…not bad..bravo…Suzuki-Chan.”

The Manager sounded impressed which indicates to me that I did something good, the Manager came up to me and picked her guitar away and unplugged the amp

“There are rooms for improvement..but then again…you..well..you’re just starting so it makes sense.”

I nodded, it seems she still doesn't know my past identity..which saves a lot of stress for me.

“That was good Suzuki-Chan.”

I heard a familiar voice behind me as I Embarrassingly turned around to look at my Co-Worker clapping her hands together.

“D-don't y-you have customers to look for??”

I said out loud as the Co-Worker shrugged.

“Nobody new here hasn't shown up in 25 minutes! And you were loud! I had to check up!”

The Janitor then peaked out of the door.

“Hey dumbass, you got customers out here.”

“AHHHHHHHH!”

My Co-Worker walked off to the counter as the Janitor just sounded so done.

“Jesus Christ, it's almost like you got two brain cells left and they're both fighting for third place.”

The Janitor left as I just..scratched the back of my head before I turned to my Manager as she seems to still be busy with putting her guitar back in the gig bag.

“H-hey..I have a question.”

The Manager turned to me.

“And?”

“Why did you reject the offer from the music label?”

I asked as the Manager smiled.

“We….just preferred to go indie…we never liked corporate to begin with.”

The Manager gave me a satisfying answer, one that I actually agree with and it has to do with my old band..

“I'll get back to work…I'll see you soon manager-san.”

I nodded as I walked out of the door and It's finally time to get back to work.

Chapter Text

Me and Ryo-san had just recently arrived at the nearest restaurant, we decided to come here to have a nice and chilling relaxing time and we heard the food here was amazing! Nijika-Chan and Kita-chan went there yesterday and they couldn't stop talking about how good the food tasted and it just made me and Ryo-san hungry but unfortunately it had already closed so we had to go tomorrow and fortunately, today is tomorrow.

They went to a nearby table and the waitress brought them a food menu to which they both looked over to see which food they liked and which food they didn't like, Ryo puts down her food menu on the table seeming to have made her mind on which food she would order, I wonder what she ordered-

“Bocchi, can you pay for my food this time? I promise I'll pay you back by thursday.”

Ah, of course…she wants me to pay for her as always. That's alright though, I've gotten used to it haha.

“Thanks.”

Ryo-san said after I just nodded at her, a smile on her face with a grateful look of a mooching idiot, thankfully Manager-san(Seika) would force her to pay from time to time but she never, ever learns her lessons..I wonder how she would do without me.

After looking at everything on the menu, I finally decided on the food I wanted to eat and we ordered the food we wanted to eat. I of course paid for everything just as Ryo-san asked me for and it was really delicious, it met the expectations we had when we heard of the restaurant from Nijika-Chan and Kita-chan, it was incredibly delicious and I would pay to eat here again. I give it 5 stars since this is really great! Props to the Chefs in the restaurant!

While we were eating, we noticed a couple of people were playing a strange game and Ryo-san seemed really interested in it and after we were done eating, Ryo-san just headed to where they were playing and I just followed, not being that interested in whatever people were playing. 

We had arrived and there were three people holding their opaquecups seeming to cover something up as the rest around the table watched with an energetic environment around them, the players each rolling their dice with two players having the same amount of dice in which the tied players rolled their dice and the highest one went first, the game went on clockwise.

“Ryo-san…what's this game about?”

I asked ignorantly, wanting to know why Ryo-san is so interested in this game.

“A Liar’s dice, One of the Oldest Lying Games ever, it requires two or more players to deceive and to detect an opponent's deception, each player has a set of dice, all players roll once, and the bids relate to the dice each player can see plus the concealed dice the other players has. Each player has two choices during their turn: to make a higher bid, or challenge the previous bid—typically with a call of "liar” In which If the current player challenges the previous bid, all dice are to be revealed. If the bid is valid in which at least as many of the face value and any wild aces are showing as were bid, the bidder wins. Otherwise, the challenger wins. The player who loses a round loses one of their dice. The last player to still retain a die (or dice) is the winner. The loser of the last round starts the bidding for the next round. If the loser of the last round was eliminated, the next player starts the new round.”

“It's one of the things I looked up on the Internet after I watched the Dead Man's Chest.. it's a game that only one can appreciate if someone has the full understanding of the rules, it's something that interests me heavily and to me it's a game of a superior liar, to see which one is far more superior at lying than the other.”

Huh…Ryo-san occasionally lies, doesn't she? No wonder why she's interested in such a game…and why she likes-

“Bocchi, you think that I'm a liar and you think that's why I like this game?”

EEK!!

I nervously started shaking and just looked away in shame in which Ryo-san smiled smugly, seeing as what I have done just confirmed that I have been caught. First it was Nijika-Chan and now Ryo-san? How many more people will read my mind? I understand how Nijika-Chan could read it since her dorito is a mind reading device but Ryo-san??? How does she read my mind???

“Oy, you girls wanna play?” 

One of the players asked, they seem to be done with the game and they want us to play.

“If it's possible, I'd like to play this game.”

Ryo-san seems to be confident in herself, she wants to play the game now as I looked up at her and then at the table with all the dice and opaque cups around. 

“With who?”

One of the Players asked as Ryo-san looked at me…wait a minute-

“Her.”

Ryo-san smiled smugly once again, she chose her opponent and..

Wait a minute…

ME????

Why me? Am I an easy target? Why am I being tortured?? And to be watched by people all of a sudden as I play this game?? 

End 

My

Pain!!!

I was now suddenly at the table with a opaque cap right in front me and it had the dices in it right from the opposite side of her as Ryo-san looked so confident as the players cheered us, Ryo-san was even shaking her opaque cup side to side, up to downand looking incredibly confident as not only is she certain that she's gonna win the game but she is also certain that she is a better liar than me, a superior liar then me. I feel like a fox being chased by a wolf. I was certainly doomed, doomed I'll tell you. A chill sent down my spine, it was just the two of us playing, a crowd of people cheering and yet I feel like my life is about to end, at the mercy of Ryo-san’s hands. 

“Don't worry Bocchi, if I lose.. I'll pay all of my debt to you…but if I win.. I don't have to pay you at all, alright?”

I just nodded, knowing I would lose and knowing for a fact that a certain doom is coming for me, for me to even win is for me to have a four-leafed Clover Luck. Hell the fact she made a bet like that is enough proof that she's confident that she’ll win.

“Your turn, Bocchi.”

Ryo-san said confidently, a wicked laugh and an impious face.

I decided to look under my cup and saw the dice I had, it wasn't looking good for me. 

“Two Ones.”

I answered, trying to play it safe as I looked nervous, Ryo-san confidently smiled.

“Four Twos.”

A ballsy move from Ryo-san, I breathe in and out, breathe in and out. Trying to remain calm just as Kita-chan taught me.

Should I call him a liar? No, from how she looks. It seems as if she wants me to call her a liar and knowing Ryo-san, this is a trick set up by her, putting my nervous face up, I'll up the bid. 

“One Three.”

I answered for a moment, just a moment. Ryo-san's face dropped before she went back to the smug confident woman she is, a moment of weakness and that moment of weakness is all I need.

“Two fours.”

Ryo-san said, faltering confidence in her voice, I put up as much nervousness as possible. I looked under the opaque cup to see what dice I had and then looked at Ryo-san.

“Five fours.”

I said, upping my bid..it was a lie, I had less than that and since she upped the bid to fours, I had to lie…and then I thought…maybe I upped my bid too high? Would she come and call me a liar? No, I had to put up my best nervous face even if she called me a liar by the end, though.

Ryo-san remained confused almost as if she had miscalculated, she thought the game would be smooth and that it would be easy but she thought wrong, it's a game of deception and it was a game of who could deceive each other, and from her face she looks like she was debating on whether or not to call me a liar or up the bid, she then got convinced that I wasn't lying and for the first time ever in the game, she wasn't confident enough to spit out a lie so quickly and just from this moment alone, her fate was sealed. 

“Five Six.”

Ryo-san said in a tone that could be described as despair, almost as if a desperate man had to lie and it was obvious that this is a lie, this game of deception and this game of who could deceive each other first and then…a nervous look on my face turned into a devilish smug smile shocking Ryo-san, it looks like Ryo-san might have to pay her debt after all.

“Liar!”

I confidently spoke out loud with an imperturbable tone sending imaginary shockwaves throughout the restaurant, excited with a smile on my face as the players around the table were even shocked by what just happened.

Ryo-san slowly revealed her dice and I too slowly revealed mine and Ryo-san had no five six and thus you could see her ego being shattered into millions of pieces in live, a game that she thought was easy turned out to be a game that would be world shattering to what she viewed of me, what she viewed of Bocchi, what she viewed of Hitori Gotoh. 

I deceived her, all these years of lying on the Internet was all for this one very moment. It all paid off for this one. 

“You win Bocchi.”

Ryo-san conceded with an extremely dejected tone as a massive smile formed on my face, she conceded and thus I won the game, I won the liar's dice game, I won this game of deception and deceived Ryo-san. This is something I need to tell Nijika-Chan and Kita-chan about!

I won!

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I got inside the car, putting on my seatbelt in order to make sure I'm safe and checked everything on the car to see if it was alright, the last time I drove this was two weeks ago and I drove pretty safely, maybe I could do it again but then the news did say that traffic was heavier than usual and last time the traffic was lighter than usual. 

Saturday, 3:00 PM. Just like the schedule, I'm prepared. I got my white guitar ready.

I started driving and turned on the radio to listen in, a local radio station seems to be airing right now and I figure I should listen to it. 

“Well the Local Government here is building a stadium with the help of corporations and stuff and they seem to be offering a lot of money and people are taking it!”

“Yeah I know right? It's crazy, they’ve created alot of hype for this and I heard the stadium is gonna offer like..what? 20,000? 30,000?”

“50,000 and that in itself is insane, I mean the largest stadium here in the country is 60,000 to 80,000 and yet this city is growing so big and so fast that the local government here said that we could fill 50,000 here! That's crazy, we are living in an age of prosperity!”

“It's just like the Japanese Economic Miracle again! Can we take a look at what band and musicians are playing in this stadium?”

“Well, we could clearly see here that the Number one Band of all time that everyone is listening to is the Kessoku Band!”

My hands gripped on the wheel, I started getting irritated.

“We could also probably verify that CREATOR will also be playing, maybe ZS? Nanba Girls? Kemonoria? Alexandism?”

“All confirmed.”

“And what about Sideros and Sick Hack?”

Oh…god…

“Don't know about Sideros but Sick Hack has been confirmed, they will in fact perform there as seen from the new announcement posts on their official social media accounts.”

My hands gripped harder on the wheel, not only do I have to worry about the Kessoku Band going to the store and potentially finding out who I am but also a bunch of other bands too including Sick Hack. There's no doubt about it, The Universe is mocking me and I'm being punished for what I have done.

“Well I'd like to hear the amazing guitar solo again, the Kessoku Band seems to deliver very well and in their latest song, they had this great guitar solo and the dynamic between the Drums and everything was just so perfect, Ryo and Kita also wrote the songs too. The dynamic in the band is just perfect in itself and the very fact they added the stadium to their concert tour! no wonder why they're so famous.”

I am getting more and more irritated, the grip on the wheel is getting tighter and tighter.

“Well there are still some few diehards who insist that the old one is better but look In the History of the Kessoku Band, It had two guitarists and we all could clearly see that the current one is way bett-”

Irritated, I turned off the radio instantly without thinking as I just kept driving. The traffic seemed to get lighter and it seemed like I would be able to make it a bit earlier than usual. I turned on the radio again but switched the station to another one and this one plays classical music. I listened to classical music and western music as I drove down.

I finally arrived, the livehouse seems to be open though, nobody was there and so I just got inside with my gig bag on the back with the guitar Kaede-san gave to me. The livehouse looked big and wide and the temperature was chilling.

Teruko was there with a bottle of wine in her hand, she noticed that I was here and that I arrived here earlier than usual.

“Want some wine?”

Teruko offered me a bottle of wine, I shook my head as Teruko just shrugged and went back to drinking, going on about her day. 

I didn't like getting drunk, nor did I like drinking stuff like alcohol, I tried and I couldn't handle it and besides It reminds me way too much of her anyways, the look on her face the last time I saw her made me sad. 

I just sat down on one of the chairs, it was just me and her and I just stared at her as she went to the table I was at and sat next to me, putting the bottle on the table. 

“Are you having a good day?”

Teruko asked as I shook my head, Teruko took another large drink before putting it down on the table to which I later gave her my guitar to which she took as I stared at the table.

“I'm having a good day, now Kaede has already told you about my name and hers, but you should call me Saihara-san for now alright?”

Ahh…Saihara-san…

“And truth to be told, Kaede is not actually my biological sister, I've just been friends with her and we’re just very close friends so I just see her as my own sister, alright?”

I nodded, not knowing what to say or do but listen. 

The door just opened to reveal Kaede-san and Teruko quickly puts the bottle of wine down and wipes it off her mouth. She looked really guilty.

“Have you been drinking again???”

Kaede-san asked, the absolute death stare on her face as Saihara-san’s face just looked guilty, looked down and didn't even bother answering.

“Especially in front of Bocchi???”

Kaede-san breathed a sigh before just leaving it alone, she went down and sat on the chair. I honestly didn't mind her drinking at all, I've been through this.

I could definitely tell the type of relationship they have.

“Whatever, please start.”

Saihara-san just nodded and started off.

“Right, since you're getting back into music. We have to figure out an identity for you, some sort of stage name especially since we found out that Bocchi and Bocchi the Rock have been trademarked by STRAY BEAT, the Rock has been trademarked by Dwayne Johnson so we’re gonna have to figure out a name for you.”

Well it's not like I wanted to use the name anyways-

“Yeah! We’re gonna make you famous again!”

Kaede-san commented.

H-huh??? I thought I was just gonna entertain you two? Nononononono, I don't want to be back in the spotlight. I was in it once and-

“Say, I was thinking of naming you Joryu, it's a nice name to it and-”

“Teruko, you’ve been playing way too much of-”

“Hey! It's a good franchise!”

“What about you? What's your name suggestion then?”

“Miss Perfect.”

“You dumbass.”

“Come up with a better name then.”

“What about Maki The Guitar?”

“Oh c'mon! Kimiko is a way better name than that!”

Oh no…

They're arguing again.

And the names they’ve been suggesting are all terrible!!!!

“Well usually people search up in English on what names they could have so…Maybe William?”

Saihara-san Suggested.

“Gene sounds good.”

Kaede Suggested.

“That's Greek.”

“It sounds like an English username.”

“Kaede, you’re just stupid.”

Ouch.

“Well We’re going nowhere, how about we just use the changed name that she has?”

…Huh??? My changed name???

“What? No! That's-”

Saihara-san objected but Kaede-san made a point. 

“We can't agree on anything so it might as well be her changed name.”

“But…But…But..”

“But but but, it's decided!”

MY NAME???? You're just making it easier for me to get found here! Nononononononono

My Hands are shaking, my body is nervous and I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind. I might as well explode and turn into a pile of ash, Saihara-san is about to suggest something.

“Right then we’ll have to find a way to introduce the musician into the music scene…what about an epic comeback of the former guitarist from the Kessoku Band-”

“Nope..Nope..nope..”

I just shook my head to which Kaede-san and Saihara-san took notice.

“Oh c'mon! It would be so cool! There are still many fans of yours that think you’ll come back one day!-”

“Why don't we just let Suzuki-san decide for themselves? They can decide on how they're gonna be introduced.”

Oh god, I have to lie by myself? Uhm..Uh…

“Why.. don't I..uhh…say that I'm a new upcoming musician that's ready to shake the music scene?”

Such a generic yet believable lie, how did I get involved with this??? My inability to say no has defeated me once again. 

Saihara-san seems to have something to say about that.

“Well every musician is like that so I'd advise making it more unique and-”

“Oh, it's Bocchi! She’s truly gonna shake the music scene!”

Kaede-san commented as Saihara-san just conceded before continuing on.

“It's decided then, your stage name is Suzuki Hanako and we’re gonna introduce you as a brand new musician who's ready to shake the world, I'll iron down the details, are you alright with that?”

Saihara-san asked me and my response was…

“A-ah no need…I'll make it up..”

I answered, I'm a pretty good liar afterall. It's what I do best. 

“Are you sure?”

Kaede-san asked with a hint of concern in her tone and I just nodded, I have lied about my identity as guitarhero,all these years of lying on the Internet were for nothing.

“Alright, it's settled then, I guess we’ll call it a day?”

Saihara-san said as me and Kaede-san nodded, the day seems to be over and Saihara-san gave me a card that has her Isosta account on it. 

“Alright then, here's my Isosta account, you have one right?”

I nodded, I didn't really use it but my social media manager made it for me to grow the Kessoku Band’s business, guess I'll make another one then. 

“Alright then.”

Saihara-san said as I got up and went to the nearby vending machine, the two followed me and I went up to get some energy drink.

I reached inside my pocket and only now I realised that I have no money. 

“Here you go.”

Saihara-san said, offering me her yen as I just shook my head, I didn't wanna take money from her and-

“Just take it, I can handle myself just fine.”

I just gave up, selfishly took the yen and selfishly bought an energy drink for myself, damn am I so selfish. I opened up the can and started drinking.

“Hey, Bocchi..did you know that the Kessoku Band talked about you on live tv yesterday? Especially the three? I mean the one that replaced you said no comment so.”

W-

WHAT?????

I looked at Kaede-san with fear in my eyes…ohgodohgodohgodohgod what would they say about me? What did they say about me? Are they gonna lie about me? 

….

Ryo, Nijika and Kita came out to a cheering audience as the lights shone on them with playful orchestral music playing as they were all wearing corporate suit with all three having a big smile on their faces as they professionally walked into the set with the interviewer on set clapping for them. 

The interviewer shook hands with all three of them, god they were so professional and so corporate-like, what an inspiration to look up to, the crowd was cheering louder for each shaken hands as millions and millions of people watched live at their home whether it was through TV or through Social Media.

They all sat down in their respective chairs as the interviewer had a massive smile on his face, Kita, Nijika and Ryo holding up their massive smile. 

“Welcome to the show! It's the Kessoku Band! How are you guys doing?”

Nijika: “Oh I'm doing well!”

Ryo: “I am also doing well.”

Kita: “I am doing better than ever!” Kitaura!

The audience cheered as the Interviewer laughed.

“Now let's get to the interview, we know that years ago you kicked out Bocchi also known as Gotoh Hitori and Famous 1 Million Subscribers Youtuber Guitarhero which became quite controversial in which many fans didn't like at first and there are still some diehard bocchi fans who still likes her till to this day, why did you kick her out?”

The Interviewer asked with curiosity in his tone, the three seems prepared to answer this. Of course they were professional and corporate, they were very prepared for this and for every other questions! Such inspiration to look towards to! 

Kita: “Truly, I appreciated Bocchi but it was time to let her go, she had her time and when she ran out of time, she just didn't fit with the band anymore, she was a good guitarist yes but she wasn't just good anymore for the standard of the Band.”

Ryo: “Well you know with Bocchi? She was good..but she was limited yeah.”

Nijika: “Who was the one we kicked out??? It was Bocchi right? Well she was very good but she wasn't a Kesosku, the one we hired, our new guitarist. She just fit in better with us and she was so much better than Bocchi.”

Ryo: “Right, she just sat with us and then we felt that this was it, it was perfect, without doubt she was not only a better fit for the Kessoku Band but a better guitarist than Bocchi ever was, a better friend even.”

Kita: “Right, she did write the music for us, was the star of the show for awhile and we get it, but Hisamoto-chan was here now, she was the new star of the show and yet somebody once yelled at her. “Bocchi forever! Amane? Never!” And that was just very rude, we had very valid reasons to kick her out.”

Nijika: “Right, Bocchi was good at the time but c'mon..she wasn't just a good guitarist anymore, she just fell off and even everybody at the time was starting to see that and that's why we kicked her out.”

….

….

….

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

I imagined the type of degrading things they would say about me and then I almost went out and beyond the world, I almost exited the matrix because of how horrible that was as my glitched body had to be pieced back together by the two, Saihara-san seems to just be laughing at my pain and Kaede-san was trying her best to calm me down. The Imagination I had gave me nothing but pain.

I finally calmed down and then I was done with my energy drink and then I started heading outside. 

“I can't wait for you to go back to the spotlight once again.”

I stopped and looked at Kaede-san, I never really asked for this. All I wanted to do is entertain you guys but now I'm being forced into the spotlight.

Is it too late to run away?-

“We’ll remind the world just how good Bocchi is again.” 

Kaede-san said, I didn't respond to her and just went inside my car. 

“See you next saturday!”

Kaede-san said, a smile on her face and a scary look on her face…maybe I can't run away just yet…I'm still trapped....and that's a bad thing...

I then drove away, going back to my home to rest.

Chapter Text

I was currently sitting down in a room staring at the light on the ceiling. I am sick…really sick, I've fallen ill and the worst part is that we had concerts scheduled around the summer and everything was all prepared and then I just had to go and get myself sick. I had to report my illness and drop out as a result and now Nijika-Chan is thinking about cancelling everything!! 

Nijika-Chan has already told me that everything will be fine and that they can just simply wait for me to get better but I just can't get over just how terrible this might be for them. 

“Gotoh-san.” 

Shiba was just sitting at the opposite table from me and finally spoke up after moments of silence as I woke up from my thoughts and paid attention to her. She's very concerned for me and considering the circumstances I am in…Yep anybody would be concerned for me so it is perfectly understandable why Shiba would be concerned for me... though I don't know why Shiba came here since she already came here before to wish me well on my health, is there something she needs? Or is she just there to check up on me?

“How are you feeling?”

Shiba asked as I just looked over to her…do I look like I'm feeling alright? 

“I-I'm not okay…”

And then I just began coughing once again, ever since I got this Illness I've been coughing all over the place and when I tried to play the guitar I just coughed all over the place and it couldn't just go unnoticed. This Illness I have is pretty severe in itself, I dealt with it by covering my mouth with a handkerchief as I just kept coughing and coughing, god I am sick.. aren't I?

Yet the show must go on! What they say, I've heard stories of all these amazing musicians who have all felt ill yet gave a satisfactory performance to their crowd against their doctor’s orders to their fans but unfortunately I'm not one of them. I'm too weak and the doctors have already told me that this Illness is pretty severe to the point I'll miss 3 months. 

“I'm sorry to hear that Gotoh-san, it's a shame that you’ll spend your 4th summer being sick…we had everything set up and stuff so we hope you’ll recover enough to be in good health.”

I nodded, I didn't like just how corporate my life has become but I do at least appreciate Shiba, at least she doesn't seem that bad and at least the music label doesn't seem that bad, at least I hope so.

I started coughing again covering my mouth with a handkerchief, it's really bad and really bad. I wiped out everything and just looked at Shiba

And despite it not being confirmed(which it will be) It's really a pain that I have to be the cause of them cancelling everything and me ruining everything.

“Y-You’re gonna cancel everything right? All the concerts and everything.. I'm really sorry that I disappointed you.”

I bowed down as an apology to her, if I wasn't having this illness. I would be bowing down several times…wait no if I wasn't having this Illness. I wouldn't be in those circumstances at all. 

“Yes…but I'll imagine that it will disappoint so many of our fans.”

I'm so sorry my fans…I promise I will repay you all in ten fold! I promise! I promise!

I just slumped over and my body got weaker, I have disappointed all my fans. I'm not sure how I'll ever face them ever again, I looked at the light on the ceiling just looking really terrible and ashamed of myself. 

“Say…”

I looked at Shiba, she seemed to be thinking something.

“What about that Amane-san fella?”

…huh? Hisamoto-chan? 

I've been training her for a couple of months now and she's already surpassed my expectations and has gotten incredibly good at guitar playing and she has already met my friends…not to mention she might become one of the most distinguished guitarists of our time if she reaches her full potential, at least what I've told her..but what's with her?

“What about her?”

I asked curiously, having no idea what Shiba has in her mind.

“Say…how would you feel if she could..temporarily fill in for you for these months?”

Her??? Playing with my friends??

I mean..I suppose I could do fine with her but she's an amateur when it comes to playing in a band-

“PoisonYami actually told me this and she found all of these out but about a year ago or so, she played with a band named CREATOR and she did really well, I figured we could have her fill in for you, tell the crowd that Bocchi asked for you to step in and it would be great.”

She did well? Well..I suppose she did mention that and I did watch some OhTube Videos but she's still an amateur…and I don't want her to face all the pressure of performing in front of these fans and I have a gut feeling that this isn't really a good idea either. 

“Um..N-No offence but she's an amateur..I don't want her to face off-”

Shiba then interrupted me. 

“You see an amateur, I see a talented guitarist chosen by her mentor going over to fill in and entertain the crowd, Amane-san is definitely something and I'm willing to bet that we could sell a lot of money, save enough money to pay for your healthcare….I know she's not that popular and some people may call her small potatoes but people are gonna love her just like how they love you! Her guitar playing is high quality too!”

…

…

Do I really wanna do this?

I have no choice do I? 

“W-what about my b-bandmates?”

I asked, my bandmates have to be involved with this right? I don't want to just 

“Hey they enjoyed her presence just fine and I've already asked them about it and they said..”Only if Bocchi-chan accepts!” So it's pretty much up to you.”

Damn…they agreed to that? 

From the way her tone changed for a moment, I could tell she was mimicking Nijika-Chan..and I'm assuming Ryo-san and Kita-chan agreed to this too.

Well…

“F-fine…I-I’ll let her play..”

I ended up conceding to her, I didn't wanna waste all the time and efforts everybody went through just for my illness to end up ruining everything, the show must go on! Albeit with a new guitarist….

Amane-san was gonna fill in for me and play with my bandmates and I get to watch for the time I'm sick. 

“Great! I always knew you were a team player Gotoh-san, you just saved summer! Thank you very much!”

Shiba just smiled towards me…and then left almost as if she just went up to me just for that…was she just trying to get my approval just for that? I should've expected this…Oh well.

I just shrugged and laid down on the couch and slept peacefully.

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“Thank you, have a nice day!”

Notable Customer#1 said enthusiastically as always, he might be one of my favourite regulars here. Such an exceptionally positive person in the Era of Misery that the world is experiencing.

“H-Have a nice day.”

I responded by giving him a smile on my face as he went out of the store and left with his usual chips.

And another person came walking in wearing another Kessoku Band with all the zipties and such, I could just tell that she is a fan girl, a hardcore one. I don't even think I saw her ever. She must have come here for the KB concert huh.

Well the Kessoku Band is done with their last performance and they’ll be performing here at the Stadium that was being built here so no doubt it was gonna get crowded with fans of the band. 

Everywhere, their music has been playing non-stop and all I've been seeing are people wearing Kessoku Band's Merchandise. The worst part yet is that I forgot where my white guitar is so I couldn't even cope and it's only the start of the week. 

At least manager-san has been letting me play with her guitar, she's been so nice to me. 

My head hurts.

It hurts so much.

I don't know why but it hurts so much…

Grgh….

I…I can't stop it…

It's my own fault.

These words keep repeating over and over and over in my head. 

Make it stop, somebody make it stop please, I can't handle it anymore.

Anything, I will do anything to stop it. Please just make it stop!!!!!!!

“Hey dude are you okay?”

The same fan wearing all the Kessoku Band Merchandise asked, she seemed concerned for me as I started to move my head and looked at her. 

“You’ve been staring into space…is there something wrong?”

The fan doesn't seem to recognize me which is good, as long as we can keep this up. My identity will be fine, I will be fine. We will all be fine. 

I nodded and put on a bright smile as I scanned down the items she put on the counter, took the yen, gave back the item and gave back the change. 

“Here's your change.” 

I said as the fangirl put the items inside the bag and took one close look at me…what's wrong with me?

“You look oddly familiar y’know?”

Oh no

Please don't tell me she recognises me, please don't. I've already had enough with Kaede-san and Saihara-san-

“Eh it's just my imagination playing with me, have a great day!”

The fangirl decided to leave as I breathed a sigh of relief, another one that doesn't recognize me. Thank god only these two have recognized me…I did put in an extra effort into looking different so…

“Suzuki-Chan.”

I froze up, slowly turning around to see manager-san, she always does this. When does she not? 

“Come with me.”

My Manager-san said as I turned to look at my co-worker and signalled for her to take over in which she nodded and I followed Manager-san to her room. 

Manager-san was drinking coffee as always, I sat down on a chair on the opposite side from her end of the table as always and just kept waiting for her. Manager-san put down the coffee and moved closer to the table looking at me with something on her mind.

“You’ve been a great employee Suzuki-Chan…I must ask you for a favour today.”

I nodded, curious at what I might have to do…hopefully a day off or something-

“I need you to work overtime.”

…

H…Huh?

“As you know..I always stand on business and business is, this is a pretty rare occasion and we have more customers than usual which would bring more profit via Increased Revenue and if we give them the best experience possible. This would pay off.”

You want me to work overtime???? What if the Kessoku Band sees my face??? What if they all recognise me??? Thinking of this is already gonna give me a heart attack!!!

I just looked at her horrified, I could surely do it no problem. Overwork and Overtime all week? Sure..but this week is special..I don't wanna do it.

“You can just refuse to not do that, it’ll be fine Suzuki-Chan.”

No, if I refuse to do this, they can easily figure out my Identity. Some girl who never took a break now takes a break just when the Kessoku Band came knocking into the town??? They’ll figure me out, I can't take a break not right now.

I put on my best poker face, looked straight at manager-san and nodded to which manager-san smiled.

“Thank you for your efforts, you are a valuable employee to this business.”

Manager-san said and I just gave her a hollow smile, I know the danger I'm putting myself into but if I take a break. I'm one hundred percent sure to be caught.

“Now get out of here Suzuki-Chan.”

“Y-Yes!”

I responded as I quickly hurried myself out of the room as manager-san sipped her coffee very loudly, enjoying the delicious taste of it. 

I finally got out of the room and went to the counter as my co-worker looked at me and moved aside for me to take place in.

“What did she say?”

My Co-Worker asked curiously as I looked at her.

“S-she said I should work here overtime.”

“Ah, same thing? Don't worry, I'm sure we’ll get a big pay raise out of this, she already promised it.”

My Co-Worker said positively, trying to reassure me which I'm not really worried about. I can do overtime and overwork fine, in fact I do them all the time. I just don't like…

Well I probably shouldn't tell her anyways.

“Say, your clothes smell unusually nice. Did you wash them yesterday?”

“A-ah y-yes..I washed them yesterday.”

I nodded, I washed them yesterday with brand new soap I bought from the store, it's really nice and it smells even way better than before.

Wait…

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??

“Great to know! I've begun to take care of my hair even more ever since a boy-friend of mine commented about it.”

“A-ah…w-well..what did he say about it?”

I said..making conversation as a customer came up and I did my usual shtick as a cashier and then I thanked the customer and they left.

“Well he says it smelled really nice so I felt really nice about it and I just took care of it more! And he said it smells nicer than ever! Take a look!”

“A-ah okay.”

I sniffed her hair and it smells so nice…wow…

“What are you two doing?”

“EEK!!”

The two of us said as I took a turn to the customer who was wearing some sort of granny’s glasses, scarf around her neck, familiar face, familiar hair and she looked naturally mad at me?

“I'm sorry, I'll go. Have a nice day!” 

My co-worker said before leaving as I got proper myself and took a look at the items she put down in the store and began to scan them one by one. 

I took a look at her and she…looks somewhat familiar….her brown hair colour..her light red eyes…wait is that-

“You know? You look…somewhat familiar.”

She said in a suspicious tone as I started to shake nervously, trying my best to remain calm as I continued to scan the item one by one. That one caught me by surprise, what did she mean by that??? Does she recognise me? I hope not.

“What do you mean by that?”

I said as nonchalantly as possible as she continued to stare into me, staring into my eyes causing me to break off and look down on the Items I was scanning. 

“I don’t think I'll ever forget that face…”

Oh no, she's definitely talking about me. She's definitely talking about me. Despite my best efforts to try and look different. 

What is she thinking? What is she thinking? I don't wanna look at her, I don't wanna look at all. I don't want to know that she knows it's me. 

“Oh well…I’m sure my mind is just playing tricks on me.”

Thank god. 

I'm done scanning the items as I put them in the grocery bag, grabbed the yens and counted them and offered the remaining yen and the grocery bag to her, without looking at her to which she took the grocery bag

“H-Here you go ma’am.”

“Say, I don't expect you to go to our concert at the newly built stadium today…But I would greatly appreciate it if you do, our ticket prices may be high these days but I'm sure even you can purchase it…right? Right?”

Huh? No way is she offering me this…

“A-ah sorry..but no..I don't think I'm gonna go..I got overtime to do.”

I responded, I didn't wanna go to their concert and then get recognized, she almost recognized me. What about the others? And so I just rejected her offer.

Though

Why is she making this offer? Their band is already famous and I'm just a poor overworked innocent cashier.

“Oi, are you gonna hurry up or you’re just gonna stand there and advertise your concert, you cunt?”

A tall dark hooded British man with a beard appeared right behind her as she freaked out and just left with her grocery bag causing me to look out at her.

“H-hey! W-what about y-your change?” 

I yelled out at her but she had left the store by the time the tall dark hooded British man took a step in and put down his items and I just looked down, put away the yen and then scanned his items. 

“Fucking diabolical.”

A couple of hours later and Kaede-san walked in, I already know that she's here for something, she grabbed some Moffsters and went to the counter and put down the Moffster there and put down the yens as I grabbed it, scanned it and then gave the change to Kaede-san.

“I thought this time would be the end of your shift Bocchi?”

“P-please d-don't call me Bocchi.”

I said, I didn't want to be reminded and I didn't wanna be associated with my old life like that.

“C'mon it's a nice name for you and besides, I thought you wouldn't be working anymore?”

What a way to invalidate my wishes, I should probably answer her question since it's likely she wouldn't stop..but still.

“Manager-san asked me to work overtime so I can't really-”

“Well unfortunately, we scheduled a gig for you right now in the livehouse we talked at, you should perform there.”

…

…

…

…

…

WHAT?????

SCHEDULED WITHOUT MY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT????

WHAT THE FU-

“W-what??? D-Do you k-know just how long it takes to go there by car alone?? W-why??”

“I didn't know you worked overtime! That's not the Bocchi I know-”

“W-where d-did yo-you g-get t-that idea???”

“You made a song about working once!”

I sighed, Oh god…she was looking at me weird once Kaede-san noticed that I mentioned about overworking…

The worst part yet is that I don't even have my guitar yet!!!

Maybe I can dig myself out of this and-

“I'm sorry Bocchi, I already told them that you would come and we already sold tickets for it..I mean I can refund it but..”

…

…

…

“Kaede-san..did you ever tell them about me? My er..true identity-”

“What? No, we used your made up description..about how a brand new super talented guitarist is breaking into the scene and now they're gonna give you all the world shattering performance! That's what you made up right?”

I started to cry imaginative tears, that sounds so bad. I thought I was being cool but I wasn't, sniff sniff.

Well at least they didn't tell people my true Identity…at least these two seem to respect and validate my feelings enough to not tell people…though I do really wish Kaede-san would stop calling me Bocchi. That's not me anymore.

“A-anyways…I don't think I'll be able to come…I have to do overtime-”

“You can come.*

Manager-san appeared out of nowhere, freaking out both me and Kaede-san as we both looked at her at the same time with the exact same freaked out facial expression on our faces.

“M-Manager-san! W-what are y-you doing? And-”

“I just got out and I heard about everything going on so if you wanna perform Suzuki-Chan, go ahead…I'm sure I'll take care of it.”

“M-Manager-san-”

“Well, it seems like the manager wants you to play, eh?” 

Kaede-san jumped in, followed immediately by Manager-san

“Yeah, I want you to play Suzuki-Chan, you're quite a talented guitarist, I've even had you play once in the office and I want to see you perform in front of a crowd again, I'm sure the people would love you again.”

Oh no.

“Woah! She performed for you??? What was it like?”

Oh no..

“Yeah she did better than her first performance, she has some room to improve upon but I've been looking for that.”

Oh no…

 “Woah, that is so cool! I can record a video too if you wanna see it.”

Oh no….

“Sure, send it to my twitta. I have one.”

They're ganging up on me!!!

The two just kept ganging up on poor me and I couldn't do anything to stop it, I just- 

“Y-yeah.. I'll p-play.”

“YAY!”

Kaede-san screamed and even jumped enthusiastically, I can't believe I just got pressured into this. Kaede-san was just celebrating as Manager-san pulled me closer and started whispering to me. 

“I don't want myself to be the reason why you can't perform and pursue your dream, if I see you work overtime here instead of that. I won't have a good conscience about it.”

“B-but manager-san- my working hours-”

“You're already past it, you're working overtime.”

“B-but m-manager-san-”

“You will do great, I promise you that. I'll take care of everything alright?”

Manager-san spoke out with such intentions of comforting me, it's pretty clear that she cares for me and I know that but I really didn't wanna do this…

The thought of performing in front of a crowd was incredibly enticing for me for a long time. Looking back on it, it felt nice to hear my name being chanted over and over and hearing thousands upon thousands of fans cheer me and praise me. 

Not only my fans just cheered me on, my…friends did, my family did and despite some bad things…it was a great time, for almost all of that to just be taken away from me was very hurtful to me and amongst the many things I first longed for was to just play in front of the crowd and hear the cheering voices of the crowd.

But unfortunately I've long buried these thoughts, I have attempted everything to hide these thoughts and for a time..they would work..I would escape into a white void, stare at the ceiling and escape reality.

But even I can't have that, that was short lived and so far it has brought me nothing but pain and misery, as for this

I don't really know what to do…I can't perform, I don't wanna perform. No. What if I just embarrassed myself on stage? Or what if the crowd recognizes me? Or what if I just collapse on stage?

“You'll do alright.”

Manager-san woke me up as she gave me her headpats, comforting as always right before Kaede-san rudely interrupted it by screaming right into my ears.

“Alright! C'mon let's go!”

“W-wait!-”

Kaede-san grabbed my hand and forcefully took me away from my headpats, my precious Headpats!!!! Kaede-san interrupted my precious headpats hours!!!!

CURSE YOU KAEDE-SAN!!!!
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I was just laying down on the back of the car as Kaede-san continued to drive, I just really wanted this to hurry up and finish so I can go home and rest, and hopefully I don't get recognised.

The Car stopped where I got up to look and we finally arrived at the Livehouse. Kaede-san turned off everything and looked at me through a mirror.

“We’re here.”

Kaede-san said as she got out and so did I, as we got inside the livehouse. It wasn't exactly crowded and there were only a small number of people there and there were some boy bands that were performing some sort of heavy metal song, the crowd looked unfazed though.

“If we make it early, we could have you prepare beforehand.”

We quickly made our way backstage where it was filled with some musicians and some people working. We made it to Saihara-san who was waiting for us, she's sipping on some moffsters.

“Sorry that we took so long! Turns out Bocchi was working overtime!”

Saihara-san just looked at me weird the moment Kaede-san said “overtime”, why does everybody look at me weird when I say that?

“Huh? Didn't you write that song about working once?”

Oh c'mon!!! My old manager-san was just working me out hard and that's why I wrote that song, it was all done in a day and besides I am not that young anymore!

“H-how am I exactly gonna perform?”

I asked and Kaede-san already had an answer.

“We told them that you're gonna perform a cover of a music video we sent to you on Isosta.”

Saihara-san chimed in the conversation.

“We even got the permission from the musician, the music label and the venue ourselves so you can perform this cover.”

Good enough for me, as long as I don't have to make a song on a whim and as long as I get home as soon as possible.

“Anyways! When is Bocchi coming up?”

Kaede-san innocently asked to which what Saihara-san said next would shock and frighten us.

“Well the manager said you are next so..thank god you arrived just right on time, am I right?”

Oh…fu-

I'm doomed, I am so doomed.

No prep time and the last time I played, it was absolutely garbage.

Well at least..this can permanently put down my delusions for good, I'm washed up. I can't handle this anymore, I fell off. I can't do it.

This will put down whatever delusions I have left, put down whatever hope I have at making it again in music scene, put down whatever shot I have at becoming “Bocchi” again

No longer will I yearn to hear the cheering crowd who all chanted my name, No longer will I yearn to ever gain the desire to play the guitar and no longer will I yearn to look back at my past.

I will live forever as Suzuki Hanako.

That was, is and will always be me.

Bocchi died that night.

“Hey Bocchi? Can you stop closing your eyes and look up?”

I opened my eyes and looked at Kaede-san as she gave me my white guitar…how did-

“You left it to Teruko the last time you went here, let's hope you don't forget it alright?”

Huh?

Wait…

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Flashback! Saihara-san asked as I shook my head, Flashback Saihara-san took another large drink before putting it down on the table to which I later gave her my guitar to which she took as I stared at the table.

I never got the guitar back…nor did Saihara-san give it back to me.

THAT'S WHERE MY GUITAR WAS ALL ALONG???

I mentally facepalmed myself.

I quickly adjusted myself to the guitar and started testing it out, playing it a little bit just for testing purposes. Yep this is all I needed.

Although I am very nervous, my body is visibly shaking and I'm not sure I can handle this well.

“Do you need some energy drinks?”

Saihara-san said, offering me 5 energy drinks to which I took all 5 and quickly drank them in one drink which stunned Saihara-san and Kaede-san, dropping each empty can to the ground.

There, I don't feel as nervous anymore.

Bocchi, it's time.”

I looked at Kaede-san and nodded, putting on my best brave face as I awkwardly went outside, about to perform for the very first time in front of a crowd as I connected it to the amp, in which all looked very unfazed and one looked like she was about to leave. I

This wasn't how I expected my return to be, when I thought I would return to music. It would be in front of thousands and thousands of cheering fans with the Kessoku Band playing right with me but…

It's just me alone and a small crowd that doesn't even know who I was.

As good as that is, I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't feel hurt.

The song began playing.

I closed my eyes and quickly started playing.

After a bit of playing…No this isn't good at all.

This performance is horrible, anyone with good ears could spot just how horrible my performance is. This isn't fun at all.

I should stop playing, this guitar playing is a disgrace to the music industry, a disgrace to all the musicians, a disgrace to all guitarists and a disgrace to the music I'm doing a cover of.

Despite having improved a little bit, it was all terrible. I don't even deserve this stage. I'm just wasting someone's precious time.

I tried my best, playing it as hard as possible but it wasn't hitting the right notes, it wasn't good. I could feel the pressure falling off on me and the fact that I wasn't really comfortable with this to the point my playing was delayed for a few seconds a few times.

The song finally ended and I looked toward the crowd that I was expecting to look disappointed and to start throwing trash on stage immediately, I was awful at that and I would have deserved all the boos and thrown trash at me.

And yet.

They seemed astonished…they had smiles on their faces?

…huh?

They started clapping their hands as comments from the crowd started emerging.

“For a newcomer, she's pretty good.”

“Yeah, I could see her making it to the big leagues.”

“She needs to stop doing covers and make her own songs already!”

“She reminds me of a music youtuber I used to watch, that was awesome!”

That…

Surprised me???

I thought I would be getting booed and trash thrown at me but…

This is a surprising development.

“T-thank you all!”

I spoke out loud as I bowed to the crowd who all cheered and despite how it couldn't compare to the thousands of fans who cheered for me. The small crowd cheering me on was something that greatly warmed my heart..it was a surprise to me.

I went down backstage to which Kaede-san surprised me by running up at me and hugging me which almost made me fall followed by Saihara-san arriving and her letting go.

“That was awesome, Bocchi! Where did you learn? From your manager?”

“E-eh..”

“That's pretty cool…I wish we could play as good as that.”

“Yeah Teruko! Maybe we can tell her to train us about performing!”

“How? Aren't you a drummer?”

“Hey! You play bass!”

“Yeah but-”

“A-ah p-please n-no…I already had enough, t-thank you.”

I said, my social battery at its best can not handle teaching two people at the same time about this and yeah, they play different instruments…I can't do that and besides the last time I taught someone…I did end up getting replaced so.

“See?”

Saihara-san said.

“Worth a try to get lessons from Bocchi.”

Kaede-san fired back.

“Hey…aren't you the new guitarist that played on stage? Suzuki Hanako?”

The three of us turned to a short person wearing a suit and red ties with black pants on, she looks short even compared to me. I decided to answer not knowing what's in store for me

“Y-yeah?”

“Okay, Suzuki Hanako…say we want you to play for us In the Stadium. You know the Kessoku Band and CREATOR? Yeah they're the bands that's gonna play in the stadium and Yeah we want you to play on stage since one of our musicians quit and we have been looking for an open slot and you would be the perfect fit.”

T...they want me to play???

“..M-me?”

“Yeah, you’ll play..we have a schedule lined up for you…think of it like a chance to play with the Kessoku band and CREATOR.”

…a chance to play on the Stadium? The Same Stadium that the Kessoku Band is gonna play at?

No. Absolutely not. This would absolutely guarantee my identity getting exposed and I would have to meet my former friends. I feel more comfortable being a small-time guitarist working as a cashier in the store.

“N-”

“Yes!”

Kaede-san shouted out loud towards her, answering for me and overshadowing my actual response, I quickly turned to Saihara-san who looked at me and I tried to signal to her that I didn't want to do this.

“As her talent manager, absolutely Yes!”

Saihara-san did nothing and just enabled it. I am enraged.

“Alright, we’ll schedule it…thank you!”

The short lady quickly left and once again, I am devastated.

Nonono this cannot be real, this can't be real.

I disapprovingly looked towards Kaede-san as she looked right at me in which Saihara-san just sat down on a chair and watched.

“I-I…said no.”

I spoke out loud, expressing my true feelings on the matter.

“Hey! You don't get as many opportunities as this, right? I just want my hero to be famous again alright?”

Kaede-san expressed what she wanted to do to which my response was:

“I don't want to be famous alright? I just wanna be an entertainer for a small crowd of people! I don't want any of this!”

I lashed out at her and then I saw her face..she had a stunned face…almost as if she was about to cry.

I was being so rude to her and she just wanted the best for me and…

“I-I'm sorry…I was stressed…I'll perform…just for you alright?”

I buried my true feelings aside and just hugged her, trying my best to comfort her as she hugged back, I didn't like to get angry

“It's okay Bocchi…I believe in you! You can do this! I know you can!”

I did my best to comfort her as much as possible before letting go, she was a fan anyways and she believed that she was doing the best for me.

But it was too late anyways, too late to go back and change things… and it's gonna be a huge problem, I'll just hope that they don't realise who I am and that's what I have…Hope.

Chapter Text

It's been a very long time since I went outside, the air smells different, the food tastes strange, I've gotten skinnier and my hair is shorter than usual. I haven't eaten in a restaurant like this in a long time, I was so used to the expensive, luxurious and deluxe lifestyle that choosing to eat at this restaurant alone didn't cross my mind, yet almost nobody was here so thankfully I wouldn't get recognized and in fact, I'm planning to change my legal name very soon.

The problem is that I haven't dyed my hair yet, I do have all the tools necessary to make it happen but I don't know why I didn't even dye my hair and that's because I kept thinking about them.

Not only that but just even the thought of them got me clenching my fists really tightly and my muscles tensing up, thousands thoughts running through my head and for each one of them, I've decided to bury them just for my sake as I decided to release it and remain calm. There is nothing I can do anyways.

I continued to eat my food, it was soy fried rice with a runny egg. It tasted strange and not particularly my taste but I don't mind eating it. Though even I'm willing to admit that this is a really sad way of eating, I wasn't eating like this before and now I do. It's really strange and rather depressing if I'm being honest and no doubt that I've lost my appetite, probably as a result of whatever has happened to me.

I took a glass of cola that was just sitting right next to my plate of food and drained the drink before I put the glass on the counter, feeling that this wasn't enough I looked at the poor waiter and asked for more, I continued to eat and then they would fill my drink up before I drained it up and looked up at the TV as something seems to be happening.

“The Kessoku Band is set to perform again! This time at K Arena Yokohama once again! We are excited to report that the Number one band is at their best right now! With their popularity reaching all-time high as their name trends all over Twitta and their sales on their merchandise continues to rise! Their Concert has already reportedly been sold out within hours!”

The Reporter said in an enthusiastic tone as he spoke all about my former band’s growing success and popularity and how they are growing more and more famous all across the country with them potentially breaking into the International market.

And then the next footage was of Nijika-Chan, Kita-chan, Ryo-san and the New Guitarist waving happily at the cheery fans with cameras flashing on them.

Ah…so that's what it is. 

My teeth gritted and my fists were clenching once again and I felt as if I would fly straight into the television and then end up breaking it while embarrassing myself and that somewhat calmed me down.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

It wasn't any of my fault.

“Is there something wrong ma’am?”

Someone asked me and then I snapped out of my thoughts to see a person who looks somewhat younger than me? And sounds younger than me too…huh…I must be growing old...I just hope he doesn't recognize me

That reminds me of something.

“It's actually my birthday…”

It's February 21, it's my birthday today and my mother said she will buy me a beautiful cake for us, as a family to celebrate, though I'm sure my little sister will just eat most of it…and weirdly that thought made me smile even for a second. It wasn't that bad anymore anyways, especially after what she has done for me when I tried to unburden my family of having to face all of that shame. 

It's also my first birthday that I'll have since I got kicked out of the Kessoku Band, a birthday without them around…a birthday without Nijika-Chan, Kita-chan and Ryo-san…

I heard from Nijika-Chan that Kita-chan was planning to marry me and that she would propose to me on this birthday date and I couldn't believe her, No. I didn't want to believe her and well…looking back on it and despite all the multiple problems, these were still simpler times. 

It would have been a great birthday gift though. 

But I'm not ever gonna get that because of everything that happened, I could have been living a nice life at the moment and yet here I am…a disgraced hated band member eating in a restaurant. 

“Happy birthday and that's nice ma’am, you could actually get a birthday discount if you ask the cashier around.”

He said as I just shook my head and continued to eat, eating up the last of the egg with the last of the fried rice slowly and weirdly.

“I must say…your pink hair does remind me of something.”

I tensed up really quick, Am I being recognized? Am I doomed? I never should have gone outside, why did I even go outside. I should be at home drinking my energy drinks and staring at my phone all day, this is not good. This is not good at all. 

“Ah nevermind.”

I sighed a breath of relief.

Well thankfully he decided to leave me alone, he at least didn't recognise me, so that's good enough for me. At least I hope so.

This reminds me of why I need to dye my hair. What if someone recognizes me because of the colour of my hair??? I'd surely be doomed the next time I go outside. There will be thousands and thousands of Paparazzi outside of our house and multiple journalists attempting to interview me.

I need to dye my hair, I need to make sure that nobody and absolutely NOBODY recognizes me. I can't afford the chance that someone might recognize me. I need to make it an absolute certainty that nobody would recognise me.

And then I was hit with a gut-wrenching realization 

Huh…

So this is the life I'm gonna have…?

I still have a really hard time accepting this…

But I have no other choice…

Well…

That's life.

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I finally woke up and as usual my room once again stinks of energy drinks and garbage, I looked at the date once again and oh…

Another miserable day.

And as always, I am tired and so I went into my usual routine.

It's the day right before the Stadium, the Kessoku Band and all the bands and musicians of all types of genres are there, most of them seem to be incredibly popular and famous so I'm definitely the odd one out. Not to mention it's the day before the Stadium Date, which I am very nervous about. 

I just hope that nobody recognizes me. I haven't dyed my hair and had a haircut in a-while so I'll probably do it after this contest. 

Just as I was doing my usual routine, I noticed that my parents were down there and it seemed like they were done eating, my parents came up to me and uhh..

“Hanako, I heard you’re gonna be playing in the stadium! I can't believe you're back to playing music.”

…

CRAP!!!

I forgot how my parents would react to this, I'm such a failure. I didn't even wanna play music but someone's been forcing me to. 

How can I fail to account for how my parents might react to this? They suffered from the consequences of my very own actions, their life got worse from what happened and my foolish actions brought dishonour to my family’s name.

In fact, I've tried to bring an end to the Dishonour I've put on my family's name and Futari stopped me.from doing so.

I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid. I should have never been born and-

“Hanako, are you okay?”

My father stepped in, in a worried tone as always as it woke me up. 

“How did you even get back to playing music, didn't you vow to never play music?” 

My mother questioned, the two are so worried for me. I don't know how to handle this. How do I even handle this? How? How??

“Do you not actually wanna go back into music?”

My dad said, he noticed my facial expression, crap how do I handle this- how do I handle this-

I could tell them the truth about why I was playing at the stadium and how I came back to music..maybe I should, they could help free me from the clutches of Kaede-san and even if I lied to them, they could tell how I lie and dismantle my lies. 

But on the other hand, I don't wanna involve them further and since the Kessoku Band will also be in the stadium, they could harm themselves and I don't wanna get them into trouble.

What should I do? What should I do?

“Hanako, If there's something you can tell me. I'm willing to hear it.”

My father said as I looked at him and I just…

“I-I'm sorry.. I-I'm just nervous to play.”

I told them the truth, technically I wasn't lying. I was really nervous to play at the stadium, not to mention even in a crowd of that many people, at least one has to recognise me and know me as the disgrace guitar gal I am.

But I couldn't let them know that I didn't wanna play music at the stadium, things could end up really badly for not just me but for them.

And not to mention the Kessoku Band and all the other bands and the musicians that know who I am through our various collaborations, events and so much more. I don't wanna deal with what is gonna happen.

“You’re gonna be okay, we’re here for you.”

My dad gave me a hug and I reciprocated it, I feel terrible for not letting my dad know but I couldn't let him know just how I felt about it, not now at least. 

The time’s almost up, I quickly got ready and headed off to work. I forgot to do my haircut and to dye my hair so it's a shame but I could just do them tomorrow, or at least overmorrow after I'm done with my contest, I also made sure to have a couple of energy drinks with me as always and for this occasion, I bought my phone with me. 

God why did I even let Kaede agree with that, that was so stupid of me. 

And as usual, I always make sure to feed the puppy something as I use the money in my pocket to buy some chips and then give those chips to the puppy for him to eat. 

Ever since I last saw the puppy and my last interaction with that grandma. I've been feeding this puppy, unusually there are only a couple of things that make me happy for a minute or so and this puppy is one of them. 

I stood up and waved goodbye to the puppy as I went on to the convenience store, I can't be late for my job.

I went inside the store and my co-worker was already cleaning up something as I went on to do my own part and began to clean up the whole store as we still had some time left before we could open up the store.

During the cleaning, my co-worker tapped me on the shoulder and I looked to see her, she wanted to talk to me about something.

“Hey uhh, you holding up fine?”

My co-worker asked, it's good of her that she's checking up on me. I am incredibly scared of what's gonna happen on this day…like that one customer told me that the Kessoku Band Members were gonna stay in a hotel and potentially could go to the room. 

I just nodded which made them smile which is good enough for them, but before they went on I grabbed their shoulder to get them to pay attention to me in which they looked at me.

“Hey uh…c-can you switch places with me if I come up t-to you and…say…Five..Four..One..Three?”

I had to come up with a codename in case the fans of the Kessoku Band came into the store and then they recognized me. It took me several hours to come up with it since I can't let them see me.

Though there is a possibility that the Kessoku Band Members could come into the store and they would see me but I..

Don't wanna count that possibility yet. 

And besides it could be just stray beat people, they wouldn't wanna stay at such a terrible low quality hotel next door because of how rich and famous they are nowadays-

They just gave me a big smile as always and nodded.

“Alright! I'll switch places with you if you say so, don't worry.”

They said enthusiastically. 

After we were done cleaning up, I went up to the door, flipped CLOSED Sign to OPENED Sign and went onto the counter as a cashier.

It's the day before the stadium and that means it's gonna be a very busy day, more work for me as always which would be great.

If it wasn't for the circumstances I'm in right now. 

Throughout all week and in my new life, I have never hoped for anything but to not be recognised more than ever, I've already had many close calls with customers almost recognising me and it has freaked me out. Kaede choosing for me to perform in the stadium doesn't help either. 

I wouldn't be lying right now if I didn't say my stress is high right now, all these things are piling on top of me and I'm worried about failing everything and that all my efforts will go to waste and not to mention there are people who aren't helping my situation right now haha.

Someone help me please, If I could be taken to any other situations. Please take me there ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

Somebody finally entered and it was none other than Notable Customer Number one, he always loved his favourite chips and then I would watch him pick his favourite chips up and go all the way to the counter and then I did the usual procedure. 

I gave him the chips and the change. 

“Thank you! Have a nice day!”

He smiled at me before leaving as I smiled back, always enthusiastic as always. I wonder what that guy is up to? 

And then more and more customers showed up, there were more younger people compared to the usual and…more people with the Kessoku Band Merchandise and oh my…Do I have to deal with this…

I looked at a person with a Kessoku Band’s TShirt that had a photo that included all four members of the band.

Kita-san, Ijichi-san, Yamada-san and…

Not me…

I've seen the t-shirt a thousand times and every single time, I wished it was still me there.

…

…

…

Why am I still like this?

It's been years and years since I've been kicked out, years since I've talked to any of them and I'm still over here reminiscing about them, wishing I still was there playing guitar with them, wishing I was still friends with them. wishing it was still the good old days. 

Why can't I just move on? Why am I ever like this? Why can't I just hide from everything???

“Are you okay you prick?”

She appeared in front of me and oh..Notable Customer number 2, purple hair, beanie, tappered pants, some death metal t-shirt, looking tired and like she smokes cigarettes and with the energy drink in front of me. 

Oh it's her again, the one who wanted me to find a new job since I've been working here for five years

“You didn't find any new job? Shame. It's been at least 5 years and you're still here…you know? I work at another company and they pay me highly, I could actually arrange a job for you…if you have expertise in computer science that is.”

I nervously grabbed her energy drink and scanned it.

“A-ah no thanks…I'm g-good with co-computers but not t-that good…”

I nervously said, I am terrified to death since I have to deal with the circumstances I've been dealt with and there may be people who could recognise me.

She seems to have taken notice of me being nervous and being terrified.

“Five Years since you have been working here and I've never seen you so terrified, your facial expression says it all. Is the Manager mistreating you?”

Uhh…

What?

“You’re part of The Japan Federation of Service and Distributive Workers' Unions right? You can do something against your manager-”

AHHHHHH!

 I need to clear this up, I need to clear this up. I need to clear this up.

“N-No! T-the m-manager-san is-isn’t like that! You have to trust me!”

I tried to clear everything up but she just looked at me weird as if she's suspicious of me, she knows I'm terrified and nervous and yet she thinks it's manager-san doing that?

Guess there's nothing I can do to change her mind about the manager, she's always like this. 

“Well if the manager is just threatening your job, then just say so. She cannot fire you without a good cause. I know this, I'm a prominent union person myself”

She said, she really thinks I'm terrified of my manager-san huh? I guess there's nothing I can do to change her mind? I still have to clear it up though-

“N-No just-”

And then I was abruptly and rudely interrupted.

“Cmon, you got nothing to worry about, if you need my help I'll gladly help you.”

I just sighed and gave up and gave it to her then she gave me the exact right amount of yens and went off to leave. At least she doesn't know that I look terrified because of well…everything that's been going on. 

She quickly left and more and more customers came in. It was only the afternoon and there's more people than usual, some of them were not even buying anything. Alot of these people have the Kessoku Band Merchandise and it's making me really uneasy. It's almost as if the Kessoku Band is haunting me for the sins I committed. I wish I could have called in sick oh god.

And apparently my coworker told me that there was a commotion outside but I couldn't pay much attention to it since I was still tending to the customers by scanning the items they bought. I wonder what the commotion was about?

Well at least not a single one has recognised me yet, I didn't have to switch with my co-worker. 

The third notable customer came today, full of business suits, black pants, black shoes, black suit, black tie and a suitcase in one of their hands…oh…

It's the last customer that was rude to me.

They purchased a cup of noodles and some soda and went to the counter, laid down their items and I did what I did the best, which is to be a cashier and do the scanning. 

“So you're Suzuki Hanako?”

Notable Customer Number Three said as I just looked at them and nodded…I'm assuming they heard about me being part of the concert.

Wait a minute.

I took a look closely at their suit and there was a pin attached to it and I recognised it to be of Stray Beat which made me uneasy and really rather uncomfortable. 

I looked down on the items, trying to hide my face as much as possible in hopes that he wouldn't recognise me. 

I can't be recognised, not now and just even the image of Stray beat employees recognizing me is bad enough.

Oh god why did I sign up for this, why did I even sign up for this. This is so horrible. I regret this so much. I wish it could all be stopped and that I could live peacefully. Please make it stop, please make it stop please make it stop I'm begging you-

I was finally done with scanning and gave them what they had as the customer smiled and patted me on the shoulder. 

“See you soon.”

Notable Customer Number 3 left and the day goes on, dealing with customers left and right.

As the day went on, I could recognize that a majority of the customers were Kessoku Band fans, they were wearing their merchandise and they were even talking to each other about the Kessoku Band. 

I knew I should have called in sick, I knew I should have called in sick. 

 Notable Customer Number 4 came in, she grabbed many of the snacks and sports drinks and came over to the counter.

Oh I recognise her, the Kessoku Band fan that told me about the concert and everything huh.

It's her!

“Hey! I said I would come here the day before the concert! In fact you're lucky to be part of the event!”

Huh…?

Did she ever say that?

Huh?

[Flashback Sequence]

“Thank you! I can't wait for the Kessoku Band’s concert here. It may be a month away but I can wait that long! In fact I'll go here the day before the concert!” She said before going away. 

[Flashback ends]

Oh…

“Oh…so that's what all of that was about…”

“But how did you know…”

“Your name’s there, it's easy to see it.”

She pointed at my outfit and I looked down and…yep my name is there, I completely forgot about that. 

Knowing that she's still a Kessoku Band Fan, I hid my face as much as possible. Looking down and just scanning the huge amount of sports drinks and snacks they have.

“If you do come across the Kessoku Band, can you tell them that I'm a Big fan? And that I have a youtube channel dedicated to them? I mean they already replied to me on Isosta and it was so awesome! I would want that again!”

Without upping my head, I looked at her as if she's serious and she is oh god…and I just gave her a smile, a smile that's somewhat painful to do. 

“Y-yeah…I'll tell them.”

….

Yeah no thanks…I don't even wanna imagine how my meeting with the Kessoku Band would go. 

I hope I don't even come across them, or if I did. I hope I get to fool them and get them to think I'm a different person, that would be the most preferable situation in such cases. 

As I continued to scan, I grabbed an energy drink from my pocket and opened it before continuing to scan while drinking my energy drink with myself.

“Oh and the store’s getting filled up right?”

I looked around the store and yep there are so many people here, that's already pretty unusual for this place. We don't even get that many customers on a daily basis. 

“Uh, yeah?”

I responded, not knowing what she would go on to say next as I continued to drink energy drinks. 

“Apparently they're in the hotel right now and they might even visit this store!”

PFFFFFTTTTTTTTT-

I almost spat out the energy drink I was drinking before forcing myself to drain it all down as I put it down and stopped scanning and then I quickly composes myself 

“W-what?”

“Yeah! They're here! I'm so jealous of you! You got to meet them! You might even meet them like right now! In fact can you tell them that I'm running a twitta account for them? It would be my dream.”

…

THEY'RE HERE???

NOW???

“Y-you m-mean they're all here?”

I nervously asked, hoping that she just meant the stray beat people and not the actual members of the Kessoku Band haha-

“Yeah they're all here! Ryo, Nijika and Kita. I saw them just entering the hotel hours ago! You're so lucky!”

“In fact, that's why there are so many of us here!”

Oh no, I must have missed that. I must have missed them coming to enter the hotel. Oh no, Oh no. Oh no.

Oh god they're actually here, they're actually here. 

So that was the commotion outside, that is what the co-worker told me all about and why there are so many Kessoku Band fans here in the store, oh no. 

My urge to run away is growing stronger, I should have called in sick. I really should've called in sick. I keep saying that to myself but now I truly wish I should've called in sick. I would have even broken my actual legs and arms just to avoid working today or at least this day oh god. 

Not to mention they could actually show up here! My former friends could show up here!

Ijichi-san, Yamada-san, Amane-san and…

Kita-san…

…

…

I need to get out of here, 

I can't afford to let them see me. 

I don't even wanna see them.

The guilt, the shame and everything is just boiling inside me.

I wanna scream so loud, I don't know what to scream but I just wanna scream.

Stop it, make it stop. I'll do anything to make it stop. 

Please I'm begging you-

…

…

I was finally done and printed out the receipt for the huge amounts of drinks they have, it was certainly a lot. I can't believe I did all of this while having a mental breakdown.

“Also by the way, I never got who's your favourite Kessoku Band Member…so who's your favourite Kessoku Band Member? I really like Amane and she's such a good guitarist-”

I quickly gave the receipt to her, while looking down, still trying to cover my face as much as possible just for her to not recognise me. 

And I can't help but be irritated if she tries to talk about the Kessoku Band with me.

“This is gonna cost you about 2845 Yens.”

“Alright! See you tomorrow!”

She smiled and happily gave me 2845 Yens and then left, leaving me time to think for myself. 

Okay, I need to get out of here.

I can't meet them. If they come into the store I'll have to find some ways to get out of here.

Although, I could easily walk out of the store and I would have absolutely no problems at all. But that wouldn't be like me at all. I have to stay In-character…maybe there are some other ways where I could get out of this situation and have them not see me when they visit the store.

I have to form a plan, I can't let all my efforts as Suzuki Hanako go to waste. I just can't. I've been hiding and running for this long.

“Hey Suzuki-Chan.”

Manager-san appeared just right behind me and as usual, it freaked me out and I looked behind to see her, she looked really happy for me despite my terrified face and my nervous body haha. 

“Is there something wrong?”

I shook my head as the Manager-san pats my head to comfort me which isn't helping in this case unfortunately.

“I'll be watching you in the Stadium, don't worry one of my friends is gonna manage this store while I'm watching you break a leg for me alright?”

I WISH I COULD BREAK MY LEG-

I sighed and just nodded, giving her my usual fake and insincere smile. The fact that Manager-san would also be watching me at the stadium just made me nervous…I knew and I expected it but it still made me nervous.

“I w-would do my best.”

Manager-san stopped patting my head and she still looks so happy for me…oh if only she knew who I was and the circumstances..and why I'm nervous and everything-

“Be calm alright? We’re here for you.”

I nodded once again as I tried to compose myself, calming myself as soon as possible, deep breaths and everything and I'm still nervous, I haven't calmed myself down and I couldn't calm myself down. 

I guess I'd have to go through this by being like this.

Notable Customer Number 5 then came in, the alcoholic customer. I recognise her, she still looks wasted and is still wearing the same clothes. A jacket and skirts, except the jacket and skirts look like they've gotten dirty. And she still looks wasted, she might even look more wasted than before.

Although she looks different…is her hair red? Did she go and dye it? I'm guessing so. But it looks like it hasn't been dyed properly.

Notable Customer Number 5 went on to grab the alcohol and walked up, then puts the alcohol on the counter and then gives me some…Zimbabwean Dollars? How did she even get these?

…

…

What

There even isn't enough.

“Some guys outside said they would give me some money to buy alcohol if I dyed my hair red and they gave me some dying tools…so here ya go.. Here's the money..it looks a little weird though.”

Um-

“th-these are Z-Zimbabwean dollars…they're not y-yens…and foreign currency isn't accepted…”

The Drunkard Customer was clearly devastated once again, they tried to give me puppy eyes and then begged for their alcohol.

“P-please…j-just let me have this one alright? I dyed my hair alright? My blue hair was perfect and I had to dye it for the alcohol please…please-”

Despite the fact that I have gotten used to rejecting customers and that I did go cold…I can't help but feel bad for her. She's just so pathetic and I can't help but feel so much pity for her. She must be really addicted to alcohol.

“I'm sorry…i-it’s just not the right currency…I'm so s-sorry…”

The Drunkard Customer grabbed the alcohol, the zimbabwean dollars and soberly went back to put it back in its place, it's just so sad for me if I'm being honest. 

It's getting late and there are fewer people here, the Kessoku Band Members haven't gotten into the store, maybe there is hope that they won't get into this store.

Hell they are celebrities, they wouldn't come into the store at all! Maybe I don't need to switch places with my co-worker at all! 

This should be smooth sailing and

Then somebody shouted and then the next thing I heard was that the fans were rushing outside and I looked through the windows and then I saw…them

It's the Kessoku Band…my former friends…the band that I was kicked out of. They're all here. 

They had the security around and they would also go on to take pictures with the fans surrounding them and 

My vision is getting blurry and my heart is getting tighter

No no no no no no no, not this time please not this time. Please any time but not this.

Please, let me get away. Please let me get away. I beg of you. 

“You seem like you're struggling, do I have to switch my positions with you? I'm already done with restocking with some of the food aisles-”

I quickly grabbed my co-worker by her clothes and looked up at him as I was visibly shaking, trembling and clearly having trouble. 

“Five…Four…uh…One…uh…Three…”

I said, I sound so scared and I can't believe I sounded so scared and the whole thing even got me so unsure of myself and the code name that especially I came up with.

I'm such a mess, please help me.

“Alright! Let's switch places…you can restock the aisle of drinks there.”

They said in a laid-back tone and have some confidence in herself, she can deal with them no problem.

I got out as she got in and then I quickly went to the restroom and shut myself in, hoping that I don't get noticed or on the off chance that they walk into the restroom and find me. 

“That hotel was terrible! Wow, I thought it was gonna be good but that's my fault for increasing my expectations.”

Oh…

“Yeah! I know, right? Maybe it's just me but I'm not used to it…what do you think of Ryo-chan?”

They're…

“I was gonna go crazy from just how hot it is there to be honest.”

They're, they're talking…

“Well let's not get too pessimistic Ryo-senpai! The Air Conditioner could get replaced by next week so the next time we go here. It should be a lot colder there! Right, Hisamoto-chan?”

Huh…this is the first time I've actually heard their voices outside of the usual interviews and stuff…

“Yeah! Right?”

“Well…if I'm being honest, I thought I would have died of heatstroke there.”

[Chuckle]

“oh hey! You guys are the Kessoku Band right?”

Oh no, that's my co-worker talking…

“Yeah! Do you want a selfie?”

“No thanks…I already had enough.”

“Oh c'mon Ryo-senpai!”

“I have already exhausted my social energy.”

“Wait no, I'm not asking you for pictures or social energy. In fact I’m here to tell you!”

Oh no…

“Really? What is it?”

“Y’know my friend Suzuki Hanako will be performing on the same stage as your band does! I'm so excited for her! Her guitar skills are superb!”

Nonononononononono

Co-worker, please don't do this to me, I beg of you…don't do this to me. 

“Really? I did hear her name once or twice! We’ll definitely look out for her!”

Wait wait wait wait wait

Stop this, Co-worker I beg of you.

“Yeah you should! She reminds me a lot of Amane in fact!”

Please no, don't do this to me. I don't want them to pay attention to me at all.

“REALLY? Was she inspired by me?”

“I don't know but she's super good! You should watch her!”

I hope the lightning of zeus strike this store down before anything else happens-

“That is awesome! I'm glad to hear that!”

“Well I'll definitely look out for her alongside the rest of the band, right guys!?”

“YES!”

“YES!”

“yes.”

…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Why…why..why did you have to make this harder for me…

Curse you…curse you with a million curses! Curse you! Curse you!-

…

I sighed, there's nothing I can do at this point and my morality has gone down. I can't be angry at my co-worker, she just wants to see me succeed just like everyone else…she just wants everybody to see how good I am at guitar…just like everybody else back in the day…

Ijichi-san has promised to watch my concert alongside the rest of the bandmates…it's so over for me. I can't believe it. I just hope that they fall asleep by the time they do get to watch me play. 

It took some time but they finally left the store and I was finally able to leave my restroom and focus on restocking. 

I quickly heard a vibration from my phone as I took it out of my pocket and read it very carefully.

“It's the day before the concert, we need you here. Kaede-san is already on her way.” By Saihara-san.

I need to go. 

I went to manager-san and showed her the text to which she understood and let me go. 

“Goodbye Suzuki-Chan! Have fun!” 

My co-worker said excitedly as I left the store and went to the livehouse where Saihara-san should be at. 

.

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I finally arrived at the livehouse, it took a bit to find a taxi but a taxi finally arrived and they drove me to the livehouse.

I went inside the livehouse and there she was, drinking alcohol by herself as usual and watching her phone all day

I just went up to her and sat right next to her. 

“You're here way earlier than Kaede-san…she's usually the first out of you two.”

Saihara-san said as I just nodded at her nervously before she went back to drinking alcohol and watching her phone, it's good to relax with Saihara-san compared to Kaede-san who has always been pushing me and only caring about my music career. 

Why is that? Why can't we just be friends and bond?

“U-um…Saihara-san…why d-doesn’t k-kaede san…just be..uh…chill with me?”

I asked nervously as Saihara-san went on to answer. 

“Because she sees you as a hero.”

…huh?

“You're her hero, she listens to the music you have produced and she has always admired you. She was very distraught about you getting kicked out and then all the drama…and then she got very lucky when she found you…that's why she's like that with you…she just wants to see you succeed..she just wants to see her hero succeed.”

“So…is that why…”

“Yep…I know what she's doing is toxic to you but..”

She went on to drink more alcohol before putting it down. 

“Welll…she doesn't think it's possible to be just regular friends with you, to her. You're..sort of…worth more than her…if…that's the right words to say…but don't worry...I have a plan for a hangout.”

“..so…what about your band? Kaede-san mentioned that you guys have a band right?”

“Yeah but all band activities have been stopped ever since the two went to the Philippines on their vacation spree so we’re just waiting for them to come back…”

I see.

“So…why are you like this? Why aren't you stopping her if what you think she's doing is toxic?”

“...I…used to give a shit…but giving a shit isn't what I do anymore…the alcohol dulls my pain…that's all I'll tell you for now.”

I feel kind of bad for her…I wonder what happened?

“Let's just wait for Kaede-san alright? It will be a long day.”

She just went on to drink more alcohol. 

I just nodded at her and then slumped over on the table and then just fell asleep

Chapter Text

It's the night before the day before the concert at the stadium where I'll play, I am staying up so late and I can't even sleep just because of how nervous I am.

Tomorrow will be my last day before I get to deal with anything, I just hope I don't get to deal with any consequences.

In order to cope with everything that's been going on, I've decided to open OhTube with a bunch of can of energy drinks next to me and I was suddenly recommended a video years ago about an interview of Kessoku Band Members.

Huh…the time this video was uploaded was when I was still in the band, yet it has very few views despite being uploaded by a really popular media channel.

Even the thumbnail included me…oh and I look so bad compared to the others. I shouldn't have posed for the camera like that, it's so cringe-inducing that I might as well just roll over and die immediately.

Oh well, I wish it was the worst thing I did.

I guess I'll just watch…

Out of sheer boredom, I decided to watch the interview video and we looked so young back then…so happy with hopes in their eyes.

And then my section of the video came out.

Oh I remember this.

I was sitting down on a couch alone, my friends were just done and I'm the last one to be interviewed. They're gonna air out the interview to the public and it will be shown on television. We had just done this after we filmed a couple of videos about our summer vacation. It was fun, too bad most of them got unlisted after I got kicked out. But at least I managed to keep some of them in my liked videos playlist…thought it is incomplete which makes me sad.

I should really get used to this, in fact they gave me a paper and a pen to deal with this whole thing. I looked so nervous back then haha… as if I got better though…

What were the words I said?

“I wanted to play guitar because…I wanted world peace.”

I said as I immediately turn into a pool of nervous puddles which made the interviewer, the director and the rest of Kessoku Band embarrassed and shaking their heads at me like I messed up…which I did

“CUT!”

Haha no, that was the first take-

Let's actually see what I actually said.

“I wanted to play guitar because…It w-was my pa-passion…I used to be that girl w-who would spin th-their pen a-around but I found my calling when I played the g-guitar…”

“Since then I p-practiced to play the guitar every single day for…six hours…and th-then I joined this b-band! It's so nice…everyone here is so nice.”

I said, a smile on my face as I finally composed myself looking at the camera before looking again behind the camera to see the Interviewer, the Director and my bandmates all smiling and being happy for me…well aside from Ryo but I'm sure she's happy for me.

They’ve always been positive to me and because of that, they're why I keep going for this band, that no matter what I face, I will always have them with me..they are so nice to be with me despite the mess that which I am.

…

Y-yeah.. they're n-nice right bocchi? Right?

You wanted to stay in the band forever and hang out with them forever, you were living the greatest time of your life…right bocchi? Right?

Too bad…that isn't our future together…If I could just time travel back in time and tell her to make things right, not make any decisions I made and and and…

I'll never be able to make things right…no matter what I do or say. I will never be able to heal them after everything I did to them, they would never forgive me. Narrating the thoughts I had at the time didn't help either.

I deserve to be alone, I deserve to be like this.

I took things for granted and I flew close to the sun and just like Icarus, I fell down and I was punished for my foolishness.

In fact this whole “Suzuki Hanako” thing, this whole me overworking myself at the convenience store and the fact that I drink Energy drinks 24/7 to numb the pain I have. I would have resorted to drinking alcohol if I wasn't so cowardly like the people online said I was. I'm such a coward.

It's a punishment, it's all punishing me. I feel like being stuck behind the jail bars and I want to get out.

But I deserve this, I know I deserve this. There is nothing more deserving of a fate than what happened to me. This is the fate I deserve because of my foolish actions and my complete disregard for their feelings. It is all my fault and it is all 100% me, no doubt about that.

In all my self loathing and my self esteem getting lower, I only realized that the auto-play was on and that I ended up playing a bunch of Kessoku Band’s videos and now my recommendation tab is all about Kessoku Band.

How do I get rid of this again? I've had this problem multiple times and I need to stop it, I need to get over it. It's been years…how long do I need to get over it?

One more year?

Two more years?

Five more years?

Ten more years?

Decades?

Maybe even until I'm dead?

…

And the fact that in two days, I'll be playing at the concert in a stadium filled with thousands and thousands of people is worrying…it's as if my punishment wasn't enough, that I haven't been punished enough and that they decided to make it worse.

I deserve it though.

…

Oh the video I'm now on is my old Onee-san…auto-play is weird.

Let me look at What she's doing and...

Wait a minute.

Why is she doing an ad for some sort of Rehabilitation Center in the USA of all places???

I decided to click a video curious about why she was even doing it, the video loaded for a minute and then I got two unskippable ads about some mobile games that I sat through before I finally got to watch the video.

Jeez, is the video even monetized?

Well OhTube has been doing this for years…so…it doesn't bother me.

Kikuri Hiroi was standing up and looking at the camera with her iconic jacket, a complete zero expression on her face as these cold dark circles were right under her eyes.

Onee-san…what happened?

“Hello. I was just like you, I drank alcohol to get rid of my fears…mostly my fears in performing in front of my fans. I thought I couldn't perform well and I was nervous…so I turned to the best support system I thought I had…Alcohol and ever since then.. I've been on a downward spiral.”

She recounted her experiences in life as her expression changed, she sounded and looked extremely sad as if she regretted drinking her life away with her booze, despite her poor English Pronunciation. I can feel her emotions through the screen.

Though weirdly it feels like she's just reading from a script…she wasn't this good of an actor was she? She seems genuine and yet at the same time I feel like she's acting…

Well I do know that her quitting alcohol was real. It's an inspirational story for sure…I wonder if I'll be in that position soon…

“And then the crowd knew me for what I was for my concert performances…people would come to watch not for our musical performance or anything but to see me wild out like I was unusual. I knew some people didn't even buy any of our singles or albums…but they bought concert tickets to see the way I was acting.”

I opened up a can of energy drink and then drank it as the video began. I can feel her heart breaking just from how she was recounting her experiences.

“Some of them begged me to stop when I got worse and I didn't listen…”

“Until it finally happened to me, one day…it was the same as usual for every single concert performance I had…and then I dropped.”

Oh…that seems weirdly relatable…

“But thanks to my friends…”

She Immediately just..brightened up and smiled at the camera??? Huh??? What??? Is it just me or is she way more positive than before??? Did she learn from Kita??? Is it just my introverted self making her look more positive than before??? Huh???

“I realised that friends are the real support you have, they are the true support system you have and so please…go seek out Rehab and make sure to tell your family and friends, they can help you. They helped me out and they can help you too.”

And then it faded into a black screen and then a white text appeared on the screen:

“Kikuri Hiroi was able to abstain from alcohol thanks to the support of her friends, she was able to return to Japan home safely, went into rehabilitation and rehabilitated himself, ever since she quit alcohol and went into rehab, her band got better and eventually partnered with the Biggest Japanese Bands such as the Kessoku Band, Kemonoria and multiple others.”

“You can be like Kikuri Hiroi too. Go into your local Rehabilitation Center and get help that way.”

…

Was that it?

Her sudden switch to positivity seems so fake, so scripted and…

Why am I even complaining about this? Onee-san is in a better place than I'll ever be. It's not my place to complain.

I went back and then looked at the old messages and the old conversations I had with my onee-san…and then it turned into me looking at the old conversations I've had with my bandmates. I messed up so bad.

There goes another energy drink of mine, cheers to that.

I watched a couple more videos out of sheer boredom, reminiscing about the good old days and just how good I was. It's gotten to the point where I'm desperate enough to watch old footage of me and Kessoku Band playing together through a 240p video camera of some fans.

I just miss how I used to be, just how we used to be and I miss the time when my life wasn't so bad even if I thought it was at the time…

Oh.. what's this?

“Lead Guitarist of Kessoku Band’s Amane’s thoughts on the Former Lead Guitarist of Kessoku Band Bocchi”?

A pretty old yet a short video on the STRAY BEAT Youtube Channel huh? This interview is pretty old and by that time it's only been two years since Amane-san replaced me from Kessoku Band as the lead guitarist.

Come to think of it, I've never actually known anything about what the New Lead Guitarist thought about me since I lost my contract with her…I just know that she's doing incredibly well just like how my former bandmates are doing…

Let's watch…I hope she has something nice to say about me unlike the others…

I clicked on the video with curiosity in my mind, I wanted to know how she's thinking of me…I'm sure she's grateful that I taught her and will say only positive things about me.

I watched the video as the interviewer was holding up a microphone as Amano the Lead Guitarist was wearing a green hoodie as she covered herself with an umbrella. This was the time where some sort of typhoon hit Japan really hard and it was a pretty strong one so thousands of people had to evacuate so no wonder. I remember this because the Kessoku Band were generous enough to hold a few concerts for free and it really boosted their popularity and PR.

The Interviewer seemed to be having fun and so was the Lead Guitarist as both of them were laughing and having fun with a big smile on their faces, Ijichi-san did tell me that Amane-san was such a fun person to hang out with when she first met her…

“Amano-chan, you have done a great performance of Red Unbridled, also did a couple of great collaborations with SIDEROS and Sick Hack and thank you so much for answering these questions.”

“It's no problem, I'm always up to answer any questions you may ask of me and besides. You're a great interviewer and a great friend, I couldn't have asked for a better interviewer.”

“Well I have a few questions yet to ask so…”

The Interviewer looked at the phone and then looked at Amano.

“What were your thoughts on Bocchi?”

Amane’s cheerful face and fun-filled attitude suddenly dropped as she tensed up and suddenly looked uncomfortable for a second…what? What is she doing?

She quickly composed herself and went back to cheerful face and the fun-filled attitude except this time, instead of it being genuine. It felt forced…what exactly was going on? What?

Amano, the Lead Guitarist of Kessoku Band then began to speak.

“Well I felt like I was a better guitarist than Bocchi ever was haha.”

And Amano just chucked after that…? Well if she felt that way…I have no problem with it…thought she felt egotistical and rather cold saying that…I'm not sure if I taught you to be like that.

“Okay and did you ever feel bad about replacing Bocchi? Like was there remorse on your part? Did you feel sad or bad about it!”

The Interviewer continued on with no disregard or care on what Amano-san said

I watched keened on how she felt over the fact that she replaced me as the new lead guitarist on Kessoku Band.

“Why would I? She lost her job and I got it because of what she did and also because I was better.”

And then the interviews and Amano-san laughed afterwards just right at my face…they laughed with not a single remorse almost as if I was a bug getting stepped on.

Do you not have a heart? Do you not have a soul?

Did you not care about me? Were you being a big fan of me and wanted me to teach you all for nothing? She painted me as a terrible guitarist and said that she didn't feel any remorse whatsoever and just laughed about it.

Do you have no remorse? No empathy? No Compassion whatsoever? Not even a singular gratitude for everything I did for you? I thought you were better than that…I thought you were special.

I would've said that I didn't expect this sort of betrayal from her but then again…I should have expected this considering what they did to me…

And then the video ended and I was left with an incredibly bad impression, I can't believe I'm willing to admit this but…

I have long resented her because she replaced me and granted my resentment is only because she took my spot but even still I always thought she was a great person, a better guitarist and maybe even a better human being than myself but…

She's no better than me…I'm so disappointed in her.

But then again…

I deserve it.

I completely deserve everything including my punishment.

So I have no right to think she's no better than me, I shouldn't even judge anybody considering what I did.

I drank up another energy drink, cheers to that.

Huh, that reminds me…

How’s SIDEROS Doing?

The girl who thought I was familiar with was definitely none other than…Ohtsuki-san, she looks exactly like her and her appearance hasn't even changed in years! Not to mention her voice. It's definitely her, no way it can't be her.

By how she advertised her band to me in the store, It looks like SIDEROS are playing at the Stadium on that day.

Heh…funnily enough the first thing I remember when Ohtsuki-san did a stream during that whole thing during the time we participated in some sort of musical competition just like the Mikakunin Riot except this time we did even better.

“Looks like the fans are voting for us as the Number one band! We really owned them all! Let's go chat! I knew we were the greatest!” Ohtsuki-san screamed with a mighty pride of the Sideros in her tone, the thousands of Sideros fans cheering in the chat.

“The Chat is going crazy! Let's go y’all! Can we get some Pogs in the chat?”

The Chat continues to go crazy as the Pogchamps starts to come en-masses especially how the Pogchamps are just Ohtsuki-san doing the Pogchamp face as it's being spammed across the chat as Ohtsuki-san started to dance happily like she won a lottery with a brand new pink phone on her hand.

Hasegawa-san turned around with her phone in her hand as she gently tapped Ohtsuki-san nicely on the shoulder as if to alert her of something.

“Yoyoko-Senpai.”

Ohtsuki-san stopped dancing and turned around to look at Hasegawa-san confused.

“What?”

She Said confusedly as Hasegawa-san will go on to break the news that will break her heart.

“We are just right behind Kessoku Band and Kemonoria.”

Ohtsuki-san’s face suddenly dropped and then froze as the chat went from spamming Pogchamps into clowning straight up on Ohtsuki-san as the viewers skyrocketed which meant that people wanted to see Ohtsuki-san suffer.

“Oh and we’re dropping behind “The Ultimate Girls” group…and they're saying that Maizono’s vocals appealed more to them.”

And it just went from bad to worse, by the time it was all over. The SIDEROS Band somehow ended up 26th and the stream became one of the most famous streams throughout this country as many people wanted to see how much of a wreck Ohtsuki-san had become thoroughout the stream, how she went from having a face prideful happy band member into having a face of a terrible and a beautiful shipwreck, even clips of the stream are still being shared till to this day. It has become so iconic, Ohtsuki-san’s face was amazing to watch and I'm sure her fans still tease her about it based on what I've seen online by reading the comments and watching a few clips here and there.

In fact, I'm sure whenever Sideros participate in any Music competition, this would always be brought up.

Oh such fun times…

I looked them up and clicked on their Twitta account and yep they are definitely playing at the stadium on the day. They’re even bigger than I thought they would be and it looks like they were sponsored by the local government too and there are rumours that some sort of Monetary deals are in place? I wonder how much Yens Kessoku Band is getting paid for this?

Well I do still have some money left from my time as the Lead Guitarist in Kessoku Band, a million or two but it's nothing compared to what they're getting now…and from what I heard they're racking up hundreds of millions on a monthly basis just based on their gigs, sponsors, royalties, concerts, tours and amongst many other things.

But…come to think of it…

Ohtsuki-san didn't even figure me out…she just said I looked familiar..

So If I can fool Ohtsuki-san, I can fool everybody else including the Sidehack and Kessoku Band! Nobody in a million years would think I'm Bocchi, they’ll just think I look like Bocchi! Just like Clark Kent wearing glasses and how nobody figured out that he’s Superman!

Cheers to that! Another Energy drink down my throat.

Man am I so proud of thinking that Idea huh? Just the confidence I needed to get.

Although…

The way I play my guitar, the way some parts of my hair are starting to look pink, the way I act, the way my mannerisms work and…my voice, my facial expressions and the way my body still moves the same.

Well there goes my confidence, it just gets broken down and it just goes down huh? Guess I'll just melt myself haha.

Nothing I can do about it, I’m sorry for being such a failure and I'm sorry for failing all the time. Failing is the best thing I can do at the moment unfortunately.

I'm sorry for being such a failure. That's what I'll always be. A weak lying failure in which everything bad happened because of her.

I went on another youtube video playing stream and I ended up on yet another Kessoku Band videos...except this time it's about a song I wrote and played in... "Me and The Three Primary Colour." Listening to the lyrics and everything about it...it just makes me feel sad and at the same time It hurts...I wrote all of this expressing just how much I've loved my friends and then they kicked me out...

Oh it's all my fault.

Another energy drink down my throat, cheers to that.

That reminds me…

Kaede-san did tell me that Kessoku Band did talk about me during an interview on live tv so I did some digging through OhTube and I found it.

There weren't any specific videos dedicated to them talking about me so I had to watch the entire interview which had some personal questions, some questions regarding the songs and the fans and some advertising for their next concert which is gonna be played at the stadium.

Interviewer: “So one time…uh three years ago…you said in an interview that uh…the interviewer asked you if Ryo Yamada was the best bassist in the world and you responded with “Ryo isn't even the best bassist in Kessoku Band” so what do you mean by this quote?”

Yamada-san and Kita-san just looked straight at Ijichi-san weirdly as Ijichi-san just looked embarrassed as her face went weird as she went quickly to explain the whole debacle.

Nijika Ijichi: “W-well at the time..I found Ryo to be insufferable at the time because of her antics at the time and uhm..some of the stuff regarding the band…we weren't on good terms at the time and she would miss some sessions because of something and we had to bring in a new bassist..”

Nijika Ijichi: “But thanks to Kita-chan and Hisamato-chan’s amicability and with a little bit of money we were able to get on good terms so to me, she may not be the best bassist in the world but she is the best bassist in the band.”

Yamada-san nodded her head in approval as Kita-san and Amane-san look incredibly happy…huh I never knew about that, Kita-san then asserted herself in and added.l something to Ijichi-san’s response

Ikuyo Kita: “Hisamoto-chan is not only a great guitarist but a great and valuable member of the band! I'm glad to have her on board!”

Kitaaura!

The Crowd cheered as Kita shined as bright as the sun as always as the Interviewer had to look away because of how he was being blinded by the brightness of Kitaaura causing a laughing track to play. It's okay Interviewer-san. I've been in that position before when I was teaching her how to play the guitar haha.

Things went back to normal a few minutes later.

Interviewer: “Thank you very much so uhh..so uh I'd imagine you guys have already been asked multiple times about this individual of yours but I'd like to ask a question that hasn't been asked before so uh.”

The rest of Kessoku Band tensed up already, it seems they know what's coming…it looks like my part is coming.

Interviewer: “What was Bocchi’s impact on Kessoku Band really? She played with you guys for about…5 years before she was out of the group but what was her impact on Kessoku Band like?”

Yamada-san, Amano-san and Kita-san just looked at Ijichi-san expecting her to answer as every time she's asked about Bocchi, she's almost always been the one to answer these questions with others either adding to her answers or just saying “No Comment.”

Ijichi-san already looked pressured, her face riddled with guilt, dissapointment and regret before composing herself and then taking a deep breath before answering.

Nijika Ijichi: “She was just a new guitarist of the band, she was nothing special.”

…huh?

Interviewer: “Are you sur-”

Nijika Ijichi: “Yes.”

Ijichi-san just cut him off so quickly in such a stern and serious tone too as the interviewer was even taken a bit back, this wasn't how she would usually be.

Interviewer: “Was she a producer? A songwriter? Or something?”

Nijika Ijichi: “...”

Interviewer: “You mentioned one time that she found Kita and brought her back to the band but uhh ..there were some rumours that said Bocchi taught her how to play the guitar and not to mention there was apparently a time where Bocchi saved a con-”

Nijika Ijichi: “She was just a guitarist we had before Amano-san, that's where the history about her place starts and ends.”

Yamada-san then stepped in and went on to add.

Ryo Yamada: “Yeah she was just that…nowadays..I…wrote the band's music with the help of Haruki and Ikuyo…and that's it.”

Kita-san then stepped in and went on to add

Ikuyo Kita: “Yeah…she was just some random guitarist…nothing more…nothing else.”

And then Amano-san just stayed silent and she just looked away from the camera, nothing to say to the interviewer.

And then the interview continued on as the Interviewer continued to ask questions and the Band would answer

Ah so it's like that…

I was just the new guitarist, I never wrote any songs, never taught Kita-san anything…Never saved any concerts or anything…nothing…I was just a guitarist they found and kicked off and then moved on…

Everything we had gone through was all for nothing? It was swept under the rug as if I didn't matter? As if I wasn't instrumental in making you guys succeed?

I had often debated on what I'd say if I met them one more time. I could swear at them, tell them a million words or do anything to make them feel bad about kicking me out or just anything…just anything so they know what they did was wrong and that it was harmful and it hurt me.

I felt angry at them at times, I wanted payback. I wanted my revenge and it made it worse when they became more and more popular to the point they were a cultural phenomenon, not only did they achieve national stardom but soon International stardom. Any stadiums with them would easily get filled up if Kessoku Band were to go and perform a concert.

They had become so famous that from the press They started calling it KessokuMania to express just how popular they are, they were everywhere and I couldn't avoid them no matter how much I tried. They were everywhere, posters, t-shirts, pants, bracelets, anything really. They were everywhere and I couldn't avoid them no matter what.

Even my safe place that was the online world, it was filled with an endless stream of videos about Kessoku Band. music, interviews, clips, etcetc

They were everywhere and I couldn't avoid them no matter what, it was shoved right in front of my face.

The worst part is that KessokuMania happened shortly after I was kicked out…it was only a few months after I was kicked out and they exploded in popularity. They became extremely famous. We were already on our path to get famous nation-wide, in fact we were already famous in the entirety of Tokyo and how everywhere in Shimokitazawa, they would play our music 24/7 everywhere and we were so happy about it.

Shiba did tell me that I was the most famous member of the band, and no doubt she was correct…in fact one time a fan approached Ijichi-san and asked her if she could get an autograph off me…and it's because of that there were some rumours going on that it made my other bandmates a tiny bit jealous of me and I never really believed it

These rumours of them being jealous of me were about my good looks or how I was always outshining against the rest of the band in every live concert we played and on that part…they were kind of right but I never really believed my former bandmates would ever be jealous of me.

Come to think of it.

If I were to actually meet my bandmates and they knew it was me…would I even have the courage to face them? Say all of these words so they know how much they have hurt me? Even expose them so they lose all their popularity and their band falls apart?

No and part of that is why I went into hiding. I wanted to avoid them so bad and for some time, I hid away from them. I'm too cowardly to face them, I can't ever bear to face them ever.

I drank up another energy drink..and then another one and then another one. I'm just gonna keep being a miserable old me for the rest of my life until I'm dead.

…

…

Wait a minute…

Thinking of it…

I'm unfortunately gonna be playing in the stadium…

OH NO!!!!!

How did I forget that?

In all my hours of self loathing, drinking energy drinks and watching endless OhTube Videos, I had completely forgotten tha today is Undermorrow of the day of the Stadium

And worst case scenario…

What if the Fans of Kessoku Band found out about me right just the day before the stadium??? What if they recognise me??? That would make things way worse for me and I- I…I…

The Worst scenario of all scenarios is if my former bandmates from Kessoku Band do get into the store and recognise me…

I don't want them to find out about me, Not tomorrow! Not even Overmorrow!

I need to do something…

5413

Yeah that's right…

That's my codename…

I just need to meet up with my co-worker and tell them everything!

Yeah! That's all I need to do..

Yeah that's all I need to do…

I just hope this all works out.

And in the meantime…

I need to prepare for the Stadium.

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I was sitting down on a random chair as Shiba was going around to pick up some papers. It was right just the days after I received such horrible news.

I've already dried up my tears and yet it's still happening, I'm out of the band and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I don't know what my life will be like anymore.

“You’re done crying…I know it's pretty heartbreaking to get kicked out of the band especially if these three were your close friends.”

Shiba said as I didn't even listen, I kept looking at the ground as I was lost in an endless stream of thoughts. I didn't even wanna listen to anybody, Shiba was done collecting the papers, putting them in the bag and then went up to me.

“Gotoh-san, did you sign the NDA amongst many other things yet? I've given you the pen you know? As well as some 150,000 yens for your efforts in the band...and some royalties for the songs you were in. Songs that you wrote and played the guitar for."

I just nodded, I didn't even read the contract and I just signed it. My lawyers already took good care of it and after some changes here and there, they finally convinced me to sign.

“You know I'm frankly disappointed in you. You missed out the last few gigs you were booked out for. The fans didn't even know you were gone by that time. The higher ups were disappointed that they lost a lot of money just because you didn't bother to attend.”

…haha you wanted me to do gigs? To play for the band that doesn't even want me anymore? Haha…haha….

I didn't give her a response and just looked down and stayed quiet, it was over for me anyways.

“You know Gotoh-san, they wanted me to give you the news.”

I finally looked up towards Shiba and I was…confused.

“H-huh? W-why?”

I spoke out for the first time, I uh..did not expect this whatsoever. Shiba telling me that I got kicked out of Kessoku Band? What? I wanted to k-know.

“They didn't wanna tell it to you in your face. They were ashamed of themselves…they felt guilty…and they told me that they were too cowardly to tell it to you…They wanted me to tell you that the girls wanted you out and that you were out…well thank god that the manager over at Starry managed to convince them to tell you in person otherwise.”

I just stayed silent at the revelation, They wanted shiba to tell me and not in my face...and it was only Manager-san that convinced them.

“I'm sorry Gotoh-san…”

Shiba said in a remorseful tone before leaving me to collect my own thoughts.

Chapter Text

I was sleeping peacefully on a table when all of a sudden I felt a light tap of a hand on my head a couple of times and then I suddenly woke up to the sight of Kaede-san and Saihara-san staring at me. Last night was rough and not to mention some of the practices we had. It was rough, my legs gave up and my fingers were bleeding. It was a rough night and they did tell me I needed it for the Stadium…well at least Kaede-san did…I still can't believe she forced me into this situation but oh well…

In some aspects, I have improved which is all I need…but I don't know if I'm ready enough to play so well on the Stadium…but I do know that I need to finish this as soon as possible.

“Hey you, you're finally awake.”

Saihara-san said as I stood up seeing that everybody else had already left as I looked at my phone and yep it's day time.

“We tried to do a couple of practices together last night and you improved well, just like the Old Boccher I used to know.”

That checks out.

Kaede-san said with a gleeful smile on her face as Saihara-san offered me an energy drink to which I took and sipped on it. It's giving me the boost I need and crave so badly.

“You ready?”

Saihara-san asked and I nodded confidently, I'm as ready as ever, these energy drinks give me the boost I need!

It's the Day of the Stadium.

Let's do this.

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Me, Kaede-san and Saihara-san were walking down the buzzing streets, all of us wearing hoodies as it's extremely cold, Saihara-san has her usual black hat and it looks like we’re following Saihara-san to the middle of nowhere, during the walk I slowed myself a little bit since I wanted to be behind the two but unfortunately Kaede-san noticed and slowed down her walking and so does Saihara-san.

“Dear lord, there is far more traffic here than before.”

Saihara-san said as we looked at the traffic, yep it's absolutely horrendous, on the positive side. I finished my energy drink before I pulled out another one and started drinking it which Saihara-san took notice of as Kaede-san will go on to clarify.

“Well that's what happens. Every time Kessoku Band's in town, there will always be traffic of this magnitude…it will be like this until they leave.”

This is the busiest traffic I've ever seen yet. I knew Kessoku Band was so popular and yet I didn't know that it was this popular…colour me shocked. I feel like I just stepped into another country I haven't been to yet-

“Why don't we just head to the stadium immediately? It's just a few walks away.”

Kaede-san asked eagerly as Saihara-san looked at her.

I definitely don't wanna go to the Stadium immediately.

“Well nothing is starting yet and we need to fill our stomachs up, I have a lot of money on myself so we’re going to a luxurious and fancy restaurant.”

Saihara-san responded, that doesn't sound too bad. I haven't ate in the luxurious and fancy restaurant since my days in Kessoku Band

“Well if you say so…”

Kaede-san said as she looked at me and then my body and…

“Dear lord…I just realised that you look so skinny…so underweight. Have you been eating?”

H-huh???

W-well come to think of it…I haven't been eating properly…and I have been drinking too many energy drinks for my own good…I guess….that would explain why I'm unhealthy and underweight…not that it's already obvious to everyone haha-

I guess I should answer honestly…besides if I don't, Kaede-san will just squeeze the truth out of me and I don't want that. I've seen that happen to Saihara-san and she told me that she suffered for about 3 hours in the Sauna with incredibly hot temperature so no thanks.

“Uh-uhm…uh…n-no?”

And it's looking like the world is gonna end for dear Kaede-san.

“Unacceptable! You look like your skeleton is popping out and that you're literally starving! I'm gonna feed you till you're healthy and your body looks great as it should!”

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!

I should not have been honest like that, now I'm gonna be spoon-fed everything by Kaede-san. Not to mention the unintentional roasting and…

Well I froze up.

“B-Bocchi?”

Kaede-san tapped on my shoulder multiple times as Saihara-san looked at me and then at her and then Kaede-san looked at her and the two looked at me and each other back and forth before Saihara-san said something.

“Pick her up, you're strong.”

“What? No way! You're way stronger!”

Kaede-san argued and the two went back and forth before Kaede-san conceded and then carried me all the way to the restaurant as she followed Saihara-san into the restaurant.

I unfroze by the time and we chose the table and we picked and ordered the food we wanted to eat. While we were waiting, I pulled out an energy drink and drained it before putting it away. I was sitting right next to Kaede-san and the opposite of me was Saihara-san.

I've simply decided that the next time Kaede-san asks me a question, I will not tell her the truth. I will lie to her and I'll make sure this lie isn't exactly harmful.

“Hold on, I need to use the restroom. I'll be right back.”

Kaede-san said before leaving for the restroom as me and Saihara-san remained on the table, we stayed silent for a minute before Saihara-san brought something up.

“Say…Suzuki-san…did ever see what happened with Haruka and that one cancer patient that made a make-a-wish? That one was a little dark yet funny for some reason. I find it quite funny. Have you watched that?”

Huh…? Amano-san with a cancer patient that has a make-a-wish? Well I know she's been granting some so…she's a role model for kids these days unlike me.

Dark yet funny? What exactly does she mean by that?

It looks like just from my facial expression, Saihara-san knows that I haven't watched or even known anything yet.

“C’mere, I'll show you the OhTube Clip.”

Saihara-san said with a mischievous smile on her face as she pulled out her phone, searched something up in OhTube and gave it to me as I grabbed it. I'm feeling a little suspicious of what Saihara-san is doing but I guess I'll check.

“Haruki Amano Famous Lead Guitarist of Kessoku Band meets Cancer Patient.”

Huh this is a week old video.

I guess I should watch it.

The video starts as it seems to be a clip of a livestream as the door was closed and the doctors were talking to Amane-san, about how the kid suffered from a heart attack and they found out that they have cancer and how they wanted to meet Amano-san since she was their favourite lead guitarist which is sweet.

Amano-san then looked at the camera and shushed as she's about to surprise the kid.

Amano-san then entered the room looking happy and excited as the cameramen entered as Amane-san walked like a cool trendy kid towards the cancer patient who looked extremely young who looked weird at Amano-san.

“Here comes your favourite and the best guitarist in the entirety of the history and the Industry of Music ever! Haruka Amano! Woooooo!”

Their family members started clapping as everyone looked extremely happy…except for the cancer patient, Amano-san looked so happy though, she seemed so happy that she got to make another fan's wish come true as the fans in the livestream watched in awe.

“I got you some gifts!”

Amano-san gave her a signed book “In Her Own Write.” It was popular poetry book written by Yamada-san and in it, haa n autograph on it by Yamada-san as Amano-san posed for the camera, looking cool as ever being a model inspiration for kids as the views rose up, the livestream is doing well and this could be great PR For not only Amano-san but for Kessoku Band! Plus this isn't the first time they had to do this kind of shtick so it works out well for them! Another great day for Kessoku Band and its members!

“What's this?”

The cancer patient asked confusedly as if they had absolutely no idea and were expecting something else. Amano-san looked at the cancer patient with a massive smile on her face.

“It's me, your favourite guitarist. Haruki Amano! The best guitarist and the best lead guitarist in the whole wide world!”

Amano-san looked at the camera again with a smile on her face as if she won the lottery that earned her billions and billions of yens by having the right number.

However the cancer patient stayed silent with their judgemental eyes before replying rudely.

“I asked for Kita…my wish is to see my favourite Kessoku member, which was Ikuyo Kita. That was my dying wish…”

You can completely see Amano-san’s heart breaking into thousands and thousands of pieces as the views start to go down and it's already obviously made clear from here that this will be a mess and that this was definitely the Scott Tots livestream of Kessoku Band. Unbearable to watch and incredibly cringe.

“Damn.”

The incredibly sad fact that the patient’s dying wish wasn't granted and that the Patient didn't actually wanna see her but Kita-san instead, Amano-san remained composed and cool, looking down empathising with the kid as if to tell them that they wanted Kita-san to come along

“Y’know maybe I can bring Kita Kita tomorrow y’know? Maybe she can swing by?”

Amano-san said as she looked at the doctor as the camera pointed to the doctor who just shook their head, this was the cancer patient’s last day on earth so Kita won't be able to see them very soon, the views continued to go down as the family members have stopped smiling with some looking more and more ashamed of themselves, the camera pans back to Amano-san who now has to deal with this mess that she unknowingly got herself into.

Amano-san remained composed, she's been through thousands and thousands of concerts and hundreds of make-a-wish requests. She's cool, yeah she's cool. A role model for kids around the world. This shouldn't be a surprise to her.

“Y’know If you get better one day…I'll teach you how to play like me alright?”

Amano-san said, still a smile on her face as the views continued to go down and down. No doubt this would be the national news of the day.

The cancer patient remained unfazed for a moment, still keeping up the rude face they have until their eyes just went puppy mode as they looked at Amane-san as if they could help her.

“Can you bring Kita to teach me how to sing and play like her too?”

The cancer patient said, puppy eyes on her face and Amane-san's heart broke for the second time and her face lost its cool as tears dropped down from her left eye. I thought it was impossible to have your heart be broken twice but this cancer patient achieved the impossible! That's incredibly dangerous on its own.

Amano-san looked down and composed herself before looking at the cancer patient and then at the camera, now with her tear gone, she gave a double thumbs up to the camera and acted as if everything was alright as the views just went down and down the remaining views just sent some laughing emote at Amano-san's failure.

“Yeah…”

Seems like even Amano-san just realised how much of a failure this is, the family members looked ashamed of themselves and the doctor just looks apathetic.

The clip ended there.

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THAT WAS CRINGE-INDUCING!!!

That was so hard to watch, I felt like closing my eyes halfway through and closing my ears so I didn't have to see or hear any of this. It was so hard to watch and it was so cringy, letting a poor cancer patient down and they're so young…I can't believe it…they led her to believe she was gonna meet kita-san and she wasn't even there…and Amane-san was there instead…

Kita-san…why didn't you show up??? This is just infuriating!

I would have confronted her for that! You should have never let Amano-san handle that! And this is just bad PR! And Amano-san is now a laughing stock like Ohtsuki-san! Not to mention…you just…don't do that to kids…especially when they’re cancer patients! Kita-san…I thought you were better than this.

It was a trainwreck, a complete trainwreck. Watching it was like watching a car crash into another crash in slow motion except it was way worse. Amane-san even promised that she would bring Kita-san to teach the cancer patient is way worse. Out of all the empty promises she could have made, the one she made was perhaps the most generous promise she could make at the time but it was still hard to watch. The Second hand embarrassment made me die inside a little bit. This was and is very uncomfortable.

“Jeez, did it hurt you so bad that you melted down into dust?”

That comment by Saihara-san snapped me back into reality as I just pulled out an energy drink, cracked it open and drained it all until I ran out.

“You know, you’re gonna get a heart attack if you keep this up?”

Saihara-san said worried for me as I went on to throw the energy drink into the bin before going back.

Huh? Doesn't she seem the type to care about anything else? And that she said she stopped giving a shit a long time ago? Is my mental state so bad that even a person like her that usually doesn't care is worried about me?

I only got one way to respond to this.

“I know…I've gotten one…”

I responded nonchalantly. It won't be my first time getting one instead and besides, it's not like I'm worth anything anyways.

“I'm sorry then.”

Saihara-san turned around ashamed of herself, I had completely forgotten that just like me, she's a little anxious about herself that copes with her anxiety by being an alcoholic mess.

Oh no she just pulled out a bottle of alcohol out of nowhere and just started drinking it, oh god it's my fault.

I gotta calm her down, I can't have Kaede-san go back and think I did something wrong!!!

“Ah n-no, no! no! no! y-you were just worried…that's all.”

Saihara-san puts away the bottle of alcohol away and decided to respond to me in a timely manner, worrying about me.

“Please stop drinking them…I was very worried when you drained all of my energy drinks but now you’re overdoing it. How do you even have this addiction? I drank two and my head already hurts.”

How am I able to drink this many energy drinks? Well that's a good question…I asked my mom to buy some alcohol to curb the pain and then she bought me energy drinks instead and I got addicted to these instead and how am I able to enjoy drinking these? Well...it's not my first time and it's not my first time getting so addicted--

“I’m back.”

Kaede-san said as she finally came back as she sat down quickly next to me as we both looked at her.

“What took you so long?”

Saihara-san said curiously, it seems Kaede-san doesn't take this long.

“I had to make some phone calls and…do the bathroom..
Yep that's what I did.”

Huh a few phone calls? That's…Interesting.

The Waiter arrived with the food and the drinks and we finally got to eat the food which tasted good. The food is unbelievably good and I can't stop eating. It feels like I've been craving this since the last time I ate at such a luxurious restaurant.

The food is exceptional, it is so good. This made me realise that I've been so hungry that I could eat a guitar. This is without doubt aside from my mother's cooking the best food I've ever eaten.

However unfortunately, my stomach couldn't handle much and I began to eat slowly and then abstain from eating as I looked down to calm down which Kaede-san noticed, she would then fill the spoon up with rice and then lifted my jaw up and then spoonfed me.

“C'mere here Bocchi, you can't look this skinny. You gotta look nice and beautiful.”

I wanted to tell her to stop but she continued to feed me over and over again to the point I couldn't handle it, to the point I wasn't very comfortable with what she was doing with me.

I can't handle it no more, one more spoon feeding and I feel like I could literally just-

She fed me and for a moment…I could hold it in, I even swallowed it and for a few moments, I could hold it in and for the next few more moments it seemed peace has arrived.

And then I just puked right on Kaede-san’s face and after that I began to cough bits and bits of food away. I quickly grabbed the glass of cola and tried to drink it but I pulled out and began to cough it away on the table till I could stop, Kaede-san looks shocked.

I breathed heavily as Saihara-san looked at me incredibly concerned and then at Kaede-san whose face was now filled with my puke. The vomit I put on Kaede-san and she just looks disgusting, some of it landed on Kaede-san’s clothes too.

And after a moment of notice, Saihara-san just covered her mouth as if to laugh and then I realized what I had done and and and-

Oh god I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-

“Oh baby, please…don't feel bad alright?”

Kaede-san just pulled out her napkins and began to clean things off me as If I was the one that she vomited at.

And she's treating me like a baby!!! Like she's my mother!!!

“Well, it looks like you guys need some clothes.”

Saihara-san said after she stopped laughing. Laughing at my pain seems to be what all bassists do, Kaede-san took notice and did something unexpectedly which was to yell out at her that other customers would hear and then embarass me.

“THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!”

The Bassist kept laughing however and Kaede-san bonked her till she stopped laughing as I just watched thinking on how screwed we are, How I don’t wanna involve myself into this and that In order to escape the gaze of the other customers looking at us as if we’re entertainment, I slithered my way down on the bottom of the table and waited until the chaos was over.

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After the clean up and the chaos that happened, we were finally done with our food and paid for everything. We left the restaurant to go to some luxurious clothing store…which Saihara-san promised to pay for everything.

Kaede-san had to spend some time choosing what clothes she had in order to look as fashionable as possible, she seems to care a lot about her looks huh? She bickered for a bit with Saihara-san

Well she seems to have picked the clothes she wanted and went to the changing room where she would switch clothes now.

Saihara-san went up near me as we both waited.

“You know…I was expecting you to be a terrible guitarist to be honest.”

…ehh????

“I mean, I did watch you live but someone made some sort of OhTube Video where they compared your playing with Amane’s playing and most of the comments were agreeing that you sucked.”

They think that??? The fans think I'm terrible???

“It doesn't help but Amane helped with that…she’s said about how the previous guitarist doesn't even compare to her and how she's the best guitarist in the whole wide world.”

W-what??? Amane-san said that??? W-well…having pride isn't necessarily a bad thing and I already knew that many of Kessoku Band’s fans were such huge fans of her…heck she has millions and millions of fans across the globe…but there's no need to be so rude about it…

Ah…

I knew it!

Pride is the root of all evil! Amane-san got to the top and became prideful and that's why she's so rude to me!

But…

Oh well…it's not like I can do anything about it…and besides…she’s not exactly wrong either…I could never beat Amane-san in a competition, I could never get back my spot in Kessoku Band.

“I thought I was being gaslit but after all you did…all these practices and stuff…you're not as terrible as how you sounded in that OhTube Video.”

…am I supposed to take that as a compliment…? Does everyone really think I'm that terrible? I mean…I guess compared to Amane-san…I am a two bit rated guitarist on the street…

“Still…when I watched some old footage of you…you…don't play as good as you do and you're incredibly rusty, I guess it's been 7 years since you haven't even played guitar…”

Ah…it makes sense.

People think that the way I play is horrible…and if I'm not even as good as that…

How am I gonna even beat the expectations???

“I'm finished.”

Kaede-san announced as she finally got out, she somehow looked better than how she looked before…though she looked rather embarrassed of herself…she turned towards Saihara-san which she seems rather more comfortable with and at odds with

“How do I look?”

Kaede-san asked as Saihara-san shrugged off and gave a response as if she didn't care.

“It looks alright I suppose.”

Kaede-san didn't like that response, from what I get from their usual conversations, she likely prefers hearing from her rhythm guitarist on how cool she is.

Kaede-san then turned and walked to me which was…a little unexpected.

“Bocchi, how do I look?”

E-ehhh!?!?!?!?

Kaede-san said before putting on the best pose she could ever put up and the best smile she could ever put up, as if she's expecting a compliment from me. This completely surprised me, I never thought she would be like this!!!

Um…umm….

Uhh…

What should I say?

Uhm…

“You look…g-great?”

Kaede-san’s eyes immediately shined bright like diamonds, she shined so bright that I had to keep my eyes away from her.

Ekkkkkk!!!

This must be the power of the extroverts! I thought I experienced enough with extroverts especially with Kita-san and Ijichi-san but turns out there's more to the extrovert world that I haven't yet explored!

Stop shining so bright! Please! Turn off the brightness!

She went to Saihara-san and immediately whispered thousands of things to her, some of which were just extremely loud enough for me to hear…for how she was just praised by Bocchi and that she's freaking out about it. A complete fangirl reaction! This reminds me of the time I followed a couple of Bocchi stans on Twitta and they freaked out!

This might not be so good for me- this might not be so good for me- this might not be so good for me oh god I need to dress up-

Kaede-san quickly went up to me with a giant smile on their face as if their life had been resurrected by the true messiah of the universe.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!”

NOT MY EARS TOO!

You can take away my eyes! Just not my ears! C'mon! Give me a break here!

And she just went back to Saihara-san and in which case…finally came the opportunity where I would get new clothes.

After I was done with wearing the appropriate clothes for the stadium concert.

She's still having her fangirl freak out…just give me a break. Please, someone give me a break please-

“Can’t we just do something? This is kind of tiring.”

Saihara-san said as she finally interrupted the whole thing

“I'm sorry, I'll stop freaking out so bad.”

Kaede-san said having seemingly taken notice of her fangirl behaviour and decided to behave herself, Finally…No more of that…I have been saved.

“No problem, let's go watch a movie…”

Thank you Saihara-san…you’re the only one that can keep Kaede-san’s tiny shred of sanity left inside her.

Wait a minute…

We’re gonna watch a movie??? Huh???

“Don't worry, it’ll only be 2 hours and 31 minutes long…we’ll go to the Stadium afterwards. The Cinema should be around the corner.”

Saihara-san said as I and Kaede-san turned to look at eachother with a face of complete surprise and wondering what the hell Saihara-san is doing…but since Saihara-san is in charge of this whole thing…we both shrugged it off before we just followed with whatever Saihara-san said.

We ended up following Saihara-san into a mall and as we continued to walk around together, it continued to get worse.

Kessoku Band’s Merchandise was everywhere, Kessoku Band’s music was playing everywhere and their fans were everywhere. They're selling all kinds of Merchandise…T-Shirts, Pants, Bracelets, posters, audio tapes, everything…

I gotta keep myself together, I just gotta keep myself together…I just gotta keep myself together.

These are the people that hate me, these are the people that think Amane-san's better than me. They're going to the Stadium where I will perform as a Solo Guitarist and they're going to hate me, they're gonna throw down millions and millions of boos on me once they find out my true Identity and everything I've worked for will be all for nothing…just like always.

While Kessoku Band Members are racking up billions and billions of yens, I'm over here slaving away at a job in the convenience store, overworking myself of my own volition until I die of a heart attack-

“Suzuki-san, keep yourself together.”

And then I was brought back to reality by Saihara-san in which Kaede-san looked at me weird and then looked at Saihara-san who went on to ask.

“Was she doing something?”

Kaede-san asked cluelessly as if she had no idea what's going on.

“Yeah but it's taken care of already , don't you worry about it.”

Saihara-san said as Kaede-san nodded and we all continued walking, Kaede-san…despite their odd relationship with Saihara-san…she seems to trust her alot…

Kaede-san seemed to slow down a bit to walk alongside me, it seems like she has something to say.

“Bocchi, did you know that they make movies around Kessoku Band? Have you watched any one of these?”

A-ah m-movies? Kessoku Band’s movies? W-well uhm-

I have known that there were movies around Kessoku Band…namely Ryo would always be the protagonist of these movies…and that these movies would be centered around the band including the rise of the band…but I wasn't included nor I was mentioned or even referenced in those movies…which…kind of sucks but I get it…and well I heard these movies would go on to be a massive and great box office success every single time.

In fact, I heard many movies have Kessoku Band’s music in it. Some sort of deals to include movies were being made and alot of blockbuster movies these days contain their songs. Even they made it to the Marvel Cinematic Universe!

I never watched any of these movies though, I made sure that if the movie starred one of Kessoku Band’s members, had Kessoku Band music or were centered around Kessoku Band, I would never ever watch them…it hurts a small part of my soul already listening to their songs out in public.

Though what is she getting at..? Especially right when we’re supposed to watch a movie? I hope I'm not watching a movie about the band.

Yet I also can't be honest to Kaede-san about this…if I haven't watched any, she might force me to watch some! Which would be terrible for me…

I guess being honest for the second time wouldn't hurt, not like she’ll force me to watch them…r-right? Hopefully not…I don't need to watch a movie about how the band succeeded without me. It would suck so bad.

“I have heard but I h-haven’t watched a-anything.”

I finally responded as honestly as possible while we were walking, Kaede-san took a moment before responding.

“Really? Let's get you to watch one of them these days -”

“NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO-”

No, just no I would never watch a movie around Kessoku Band! Never ever! Never ever ever-

“O-okay…if you say so…it makes sense why you don't want to.”

…huh!?

Kaede-san gave up so easily…it's…like that?

I…err…I've never expected that…she just backed down? That's…very unusual of her.

Still…Saihara-san could be taking us to watch a movie about them…or even containing their music…or starring their music.

“Don't worry, we’re watching a movie about a footballer and how Japan's National Football Team won because of him. I made sure it didn't have anything about Kessoku Band.”

A-ah uhm…that's interesting…I feel relieved…Thank god there's nothing about Kessoku Band there.

“You guys were talking about Kessoku Band and movies?”

Saihara-san asked, and it seems she has more to add to the pile.

“Yes, I was asking if Bocchi heard a movie and if she wanted to watch one but she said no.”

Kaede-san responded ,adding more to the pile. The two look like they're gonna have a conversation together. I won't be participating in it though…

“Well you know…funny thing is…a remix of one of Kessoku Band’s music…I think it was called...The Deep Ocean or something but it appeared in a movie about video game adaption or something. One of the most famous video games.”

Huh? A movie about video game adaption? One of the most famous ones yet? They're really high up in popularity. There's no denying it.

“Really?”

I asked as Saihara-san nodded, Kaede-san would go on to add.

“It was something about Mine..? Minecr….I don't know. But the trailer isn't particularly liked by anyone but that's not really important. But the band is so popular that movies are having their songs now. Imagine the millions and millions of yen they’re getting? Not to mention the new album they released? It's so good. The new songs are so good, they're so much better than the old ones!”

Even though they are my fans, they are more of a fan of the New Kessoku Band's music, I'm such a total failure. I knew my songs sucked from the very second I wrote them and performed them. It was so horrible, not a single song that I wrote or played in has ever been performed since I was kicked out.

“N-not that your music is b-bad…I mean they're more unique…than the new ones…t-they can feel bland at times.”

Kaede-san noticed it…and despite her attempts at comforting me…it's been failing so far. My songs sucks, I knew they sucked all along why did I even write them, why did I even write them-

“Seeing us three have this conversation…I realize…why don't we just release “The Bocchi of Kessoku Band” Album?”

….huh???

Saihara-san suggested something…ridiculous???

The two of us just looked at Saihara-san like she's insane and she decided to double down and even explain what she meant!

“It's technically not fraud since you are technically Bocchi, Bocchi is a word as in “Loner” and since you got kicked out of the band, you’re technically a loner so it makes sense and we can use that to get some Kessoku Band’s customers for the Hanako Brand. Of course they might be a little disappointed once they realise it's not by Kessoku Band but it could work.”

Oh no! That's a terrible Idea!

No! No! Just no! Terrible suggestion! Terrible! No! Just no!

I would not allow myself to be sold out and just fool the customers like that no! And I don't wanna be associated with that band either! At least not in that way!

Kaede-san gave Saihara-san a good smack as if to say that idea was ludicrous, it seems we both agree-

“Teruko-chan, we don't need Kessoku Band’s label to make Bocchi famous! She’s already Bocchi the Rock! She’s already famous enough on her own and eventually she will be so famous that she will inevitably surpass Kessoku Band so badly that they’ll be begging her to come back to the band!”

H-huh??? That's…certainly something, I'm not that f-famous anymore…haha…I'm more like…Infamous. Haha-

“Well anyways. Here's the movie.”

I just saw the cover of the movie and…

Oh god…I could already tell…

My Seishun Complex is about to be active…just like Tropical Love and Christmas Days and…and…and…and…

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“I love you Akihiko-Kun.”

“I love you too.”

And then the couple kissed, ending the movie as the fireworks flew up in the air with Akihiko's friends smiling in the background as they cheered him on. Another great ending to the movie, after all the sacrifices, after all the beatdown. After everything that has happened and after they finally beat down the villain once and for all. We finally have a happy ending. This is the best possible ending to this movie ever, a movie about the great Akihiko and how Japan’s National Football Team reached greater heights and it's all because of him. A great two hours movie.

Meanwhile, Saihara-san has already fallen asleep, Kaede-san is watching with eagerness and I.

Well I'm suffering in total misery. This is possibly the 2nd worst thing to ever happen, right behind the possibility that I might get recognized.

It's a good time killer and it doesn't contain any songs from THAT band don't get me wrong but I'd rather do something else…watch something else…

Eh this is the best choice ever yet.

The movie finally ended and the credits finally rolled, Kaede-san woke Saihara-san up and the three of us finally walked out of the cinema.

“Well that was certainly something…”

Saihara-san commented on the movie.

“Really? It was great! I loved it!”

Kaede-san seemed to have enjoyed the movie, good for her because I didn't enjoy it, it was too much for me…although It's not that bad objectively…it's good but for me subjectively?

Too much…too much…It was bad just like Christmas and Tropical Love, which I used to enjoy for a little bit of a time but eh stuff happened.

“Looks like it might be the time for us to get to the Stadium.”

Saihara-san said.

Uh oh…

It's time for the Stadium…

And I have a scheduled spot too…

Y’know, maybe I can uh- miss out . It's not too late haha-

Maybe I can make up an excuse- it wouldn't hurt.

I lightly tapped the shoulder of Kaede-san who took notice of it

“C-can I go to the bathroom?”

I asked, hoping I would get a yes answer and hopefully delay my appearance in the stadium long enough for them to forget about me and then I won't have to perform at the stadium and then it would be all rainbows and sunshines-

“They have bathrooms in the stadium, you can go there.”

Kaede-san said as she put up the most devilish grin on her face as I froze up the moment I heard that.

She keeps looking at me with that devilish smile almost as if she knew what I was planning to do…and she's smiling almost as if she's mocking me…as if she's saying that she knows what I was doing.

“C'mon let's go. You don't wanna be late don't ya?”

Kaede-san said with a little mischievous tone in her voice, she definitely knows why I had the bathroom excuse! She definitely knows everything! I'm doomed!

And then I was forced to go with her and Saihara-san to the Stadium, I tried my best to walk as slow as possible but Kaede-san purposefully walked as slow as I did…so I tried to speed up in order to avoid her and so she did and we kept trying to outdo each other and-

Oh it looks like we arrived at the Stadium earlier and way faster than usual…I managed to get here faster than Kaede-san and Saihara-san and…

Well uhm…I didn't expect for us to arrive so fast to the stadium but…unfortunately in my attempts to delay arriving at the stadium as fast as possible…I accidentally got us way too early here and Kaede-san is smiling about it. Almost as if she did it on purpose…as if this was her plan and that while I was playing checkers, she was playing chess and that smile tells me everything that this was her plan all along and that unfortunately, I was foolish enough to take it.

...

...

...

CURSE YOU KAEDE-SAN! CURSE YOU FOR FOILING MY PLAN AND MAKING US COME HERE EARLY!! CURSE YOU!!!

Now I have to watch out for backstage…I don't wanna bump into anyone that might end up recognising me.

We’re now at the entrance where we had to do a couple of things and right behind me, I heard a yet familiar voice scream out from the distance.

“Oy! Suzuki!!!”

I turned around to see and it's…

The Kessoku Band Customer that I met in the store??? The one that told me about the stadium???

“Woah! You finally came here! Can't wait to see you play! Not to mention you’re going right after CREATOR! I wonder what song you’ll play next eh?”
Oh god…why did I have to face them…just now…why…they might even alert others of my present oh god I need to respond

“E-eh uhm.”

I uhh, The unfortunate thing is I don't know how to respond to this. This is weird now, oh god.

“Follow me Suzuki-San. I know where our room is.”

Saihara-san said only to realise that I was paying attention to the Kessoku Band Fan standing right in front of me, Kaede-san seemed to take notice of the situation and the security looked alarmed and ready to take actions in case anything pops up…oh god…I'm only just making this worse for myself.

Wait- I don't know how to handle this…I uhm- uhm.

Kaede-san and Saihara-san looked at eachother and just simply shrugged before they looked back wondering on how they could deal with this particular situation.

“Well I guess it’ll be a surprise but hey! The Kessoku Band is playing! I purchased a front ticket! It's very expensive but I can manage…So not only will I get to see you up close but I'll see Kessoku Band's up close alright? Did you tell them I said hi by the way?”

Uhm..Uhm..I haven't even met them yet…uhm…uhm…uhh

“Oh and what's your favourite Kessoku Band member? I never really got to hear who-”

“That's enough of that.”

“Wait! I haven't heard their favourite Kessoku Band member!-”

Saihara-san immediately dragged me away as the three of us finally got back inside as the security stepped in and stopped the fan, in order to cope with this mess. I signalled at them to stop walking for a second as I went to a vending machine and purchased some energy drinks….a bunch of them in fact. All twelve of them.

“Wow you really love energy drinks eh? Maybe I should give you that as a gift on your birthday!”

Kaede-san commented, she definitely took the hint that I'm really addicted to energy drinks.

“N-no thanks…I can buy one myself…”

I replied…to which Kaede-san replied to my reply of her comment.

“Ah but this one will be a special one, just you trust me alright?”

Yeah sure Kaede-san…

I finally purchased at least 10 Energy drinks and put them down in my pocket as Saihara-san looked at me with an incredibly concerned look on her face.

“Let's continue walking them?”

I nodded at Saihara-san and we continued to walk

As we were walking, I accidentally bumped into somebody causing the both of us to fall down, the person who I bumped into stood way faster than me and she helped me get up.

And oddly enough, she has a voice that I recognise…

“W-woah! I'm s-sorry! Here let me pick you up!-”

I turned to face her…

Onee-san?

She looks so different yet…she still looks the same…

And she looks like she just saw a ghost…as if she found a person she's been trying to find for a long time…does she recognise me? Does she know? I can't let her find out. I have to keep the false Identity I have and yet…It's been years since I last saw her…

Onee-san…it's been a long time..I-

“You…look familiar.”

She blurted out immediately and I was about to respond with something until Saihara-san grabbed me by hand and pulled me away.

“Sorry, Suzuki-san here has something to do.”

She said as I turned around and looked away from her, the last sight I saw of her was that her face was filled with absolute curiosity, oh dear…

Oh god this is why I don't wanna go to the stadium, oh god. It might be the end for me, it might be over for me. They're gonna find out what I am, who I am and it will be over for me. It will be so over for me.

Saihara-san stopped out of nowhere and she let goes of me, both me and Kaede-san were confused as to what was going on as Saihara-san went closer to the door and listened to what was going on behind…and me and Kaede-san followed suit.

Huh…that's Ryo’s voice…speaking in English???

“Did you know that the name of “Kessoku” actually mean Ziptie Band? So pretty much every time the media refers to us as Kessoku Band, they're actually referring to us as Ziptie Band.”

And I heard the laughter of a few English Businessmen…it seems like Ryo’s trying to impress people? Huh?

“Sorry, I gained interest. Let's continue.”

Saihara-san commented before we continued walking and while we were walking, while we were walking. I spotted Ijichi-san smoking???

W-what??? I've never heard of Nijika smoking! And yet she's smoking right here?

I took a brief look to see what was going on.

Ijichi-san was just simply leaning against the wall with a cigarette in her hand, seemingly to take the stress off what she might experience in the concert. She looks irritated and annoyed at herself.

Suddenly a familiar face appeared.

“Nijika-Chan? C'mon, you can't be smoking. Not before our concert.”

Amano-san said as she walked over to Nijika and took away her cigarette, Nijika still looked extremely irritated and annoyed and even looked away, the words she’ll utter next are in the tone of annoyance.

“Sorry…It's just…”

“Jeez…you’re being like your older sister.”

Amano-san pointed out which…seemed to cause a strong reaction for Ijichi-san as her eyes widened and looked at Amane-san

“Don't say that!”

Ijichi-san said, it seems to be really strong and they seemed really irritated by that response and Amane-san just chuckled as if she's been through this a thousand times.

“C'mon Nijika-Chan, I swear. I'll include you in the production of our next song c'mon.”

Ijichi-san just nodded and then Ijichi-san and Amane-san quickly left.

That was…weird. I don't know how to handle that…I've never heard or even seen Ijichi-san smoking when they got popular…I'm guessing there's a reason why she would do it in a secluded area.

I continued to walk with Saihara-san and Kaede-san, continuing our path.

Afterwards I briefly stopped and saw Kita-san seeming to do some makeup with some make-up artist…? She…looks so different…I mean I knew what she looked like from when I was on the online world and looked up her pictures but seeing it in person is…it feels strange and…weird.

“Has anybody ever told you that you look like your mother nowadays?”

A make-up artist commented as they continued to do makeup with Kita-san in which she chose to reply

“Multiple times in fact! Many people have often said that and I think it's great when people say I do! It only speaks testament to just how great and wonderful my family is!”

Kita-san gave the usual bright smile as always to the makeup artist, huh…she always does this in public…I guess she hasn't changed how she's uhm…conducted her things out in public.

“Suzuki-san…”

I turned around to look in front of me to see an annoyed Saihara-san who immediately grabbed me quickly and dragged me away.

Huh…I guess I should deserve that.

We finally arrived at my room where I got my guitar and we prepared everything as we watched the current concert through the TV.

It seems to be live and millions and millions of viewers seem to be watching, currently the SIDEROS Band are performing and the audience seems to love it.

While we were watching, Kaede-san would go on to approach me.

“Hey Bocchi, as the great Sun Tzu said. In order to defeat your enemies, you must know your enemies.””

…w-what?

What does that mean?

And did Sun Tzu really say that? Really?

“Well anyways…I was thinking we should go out and keep an eye out on Kessoku Band…we need you to put on a better performance than them today so you can shine!”

Y-you want me to perform better than Kessoku Band??? I can't even perform well and you’re telling me to perform better than Kessoku Band? THE Kessoku Band??? Not to mention I still have some rust and…I don't perform as well as I used to and…not to mention I'm more worried about being found out than the performance!!! In fact even if I outshine Kessoku Band. Somebody will find out about me! This is a loss to lose to lose situation!!! Not to mention you want me to go out there and listen to them??? What if they spotted me and recognised me??? I don't want that! I don't want that!

Oh well…I know for a fact that one way or another, Kaede-san is gonna make me do something.

I just nodded at her as Kaede-san gave me a thumbs up and we went out to watch Sideros perform and soon Kessoku Band . There's nothing I can do but try my best to not get spotted and hopefully nobody finds out.

Looks like Sideros is done.

And it went into the commercial break.

And after a little bit, it finally went into the performance of Kessoku Band the great concert!

They were finally getting ready to set up and they all look so confident, so professional and they all look so cool. The fans cheered them and began to shout out fan chants which Amane-san and Kita-san encouraged. The songs haven't even started and the atmosphere is already blowing through the roof and soon the rest of Kessoku Band joined in, one of the fans in the crowd even shouted out “I love you Nijika!”

Soon afterwards, the Kessoku Band began playing and the crowd continues to enjoy the playing as the audience listened in enjoyment, the harmony was perfect and the timing was perfect. Truly no one could ever match up to them and they were in an entirely different league of their own.

Kita-san’s vocals managed to capture the audience in an incredibly captivating way, she has improved alot since then and she completely sang each and every single songs with her heart out.

Yamada-san’s bass playing was perfect like none other, her bass playing seemed incredibly strong and it complimented the band so well. You may not hear it but the bass playing was so perfect.

Ijichi-san showed her best here, she played the songs so well and it was incredibly hard to find any errors whatsoever with her bass playing and they managed to adapt so easily to each and every single songs which all seemed different. She's made the song sound so good and so appealing to listen to.

And finally, Amano-san’s guitar playing was on another level. The way she played was exactly the opposite of what I did when I first returned to playing. She kept consistency with each and every song she had in mind, the timing she was on were all perfect without missing a single beat and she complimented the band so incredibly well as the audience went wild for her playing. She was incredibly confident in showing off the guitar playing and with no problem, all of which were all unlike me when I first played and the worst part yet is that she seems like she's doing it with no efforts.

She's even showing it off to the crowd as if to scream out to them that she's the best guitarist in the whole wide world and the crowd encouraged it further.

And together they managed to play perfectly in cohesion, the harmony between them was perfect and the chemistry between the four was complete.

And…I can't help but feel a tang of jealousy within me, a tang of bitterness…and a tang of missing out within me…the band played so perfectly and it's no wonder they gone as famous as they had gone…

The Band didn't need me afterall…they succeeded without me, the way they played. The way they played so well coherently with eachother and the way they seemed to enjoy the concert and how the chemistry between them looked so perfect.

The Band didn't need me, I was just a cinder block preventing them from reaching their own dreams…it's no wonder that they got so famous so shortly after me…I was just a stopping block and now that I'm out and they got Amane-san, they managed to be as famous as they did, they accomplished everything they wanted and they played so well…they even played better with Amane-san than with me…they were far better off without me. It didn't even help when I would look to my side and see Kaede-san enjoying it.

This was Kessoku Band, it was Ryo-Kita-Nijika-Amano…not me and history would agree.

We all wanted to see the band succeed but it only managed to succeed without me, it succeeded with Amano-san and not me. Amano-san was the better guitarist and not me. It's no wonder why they don't even acknowledge me in their interviews…

I'm such a bad guitarist…I don't think I have the confidence to play the guitar anymore…I might as well just disappear out of reality the moment I step on that stage.

“Hey we need to go before we’re late.”

Kaede-san said as I looked at her rethinking my decision to perform in which Kaede-san just grabbed me by my arm and we both started walking down the hallway.

After a bit, Kaede-san finally decided to talk to me out of concern for me.

“You’re giving up already? C'mon you need to show your talent out! You can't just give up! They may have performed so well but that doesn't mean you can't! C'mon!”

These words are hollow to me, I can't play incredibly good and I can't match up to the Kessoku Band, they're way better than me…

“C'mon you can do this! You're Bocchi! Bocchi the Rock!”

I looked at Kaede-san, I was really ready to give up…Unt…

“Suzuki Hanako! You're next!”

Well..I…I unfortunately can't back down now haha-

I grabbed my guitar and readied myself as I would go right in before setting stage. I watched thousands and thousands of people wait in anticipation on what this new guitarist could do.

I'm not ready, I'm so not ready. I'm not ready, I don't think I can put on a good performance. Not to mention the song I wrote wasn't that good. Last night I just wrote it in like 1 hour and it was so horrible when I composed it.

In preparation, I pulled out all the energy drinks I bought from the vending machine. All twelve of them.

And I drained all the drinks, one by one until the 12th one was done and by that point, my head really started to hurt and I could feel that something's wrong with me. Nevertheless I'll persist.

And then I entered in, and just when I entered in. The Anxiety began to surround itself to my feet as I tried my best to remain composed from shaking my whole body and soon, I could start to see that the eyes of the few fans widened and from afar, I could see Kessoku Band and many other bands watching me.

The anxiety grips itself around my legs and soon around my heart, they all recognise me…they all recognise me…they're all gonna start booing me any second now.

I looked over and I saw Onee-san watching in curiosity and Kita-san watching in shock..oh god she knows something about me…she might think I look familiar or that the worst case yet is that she recognizes me…oh no…oh no…

And then I began to remember all the horrible memories I had, how the Band was becoming a little too corporate for my liking and so many horrible things that happened and I began to remember all the interviews where the members of Kessoku Band talked about me…how I was just a new guitarist.

And then piled up were my feelings about the new Kessoku Band Concert and then the expectations from Kaede-san, they played so well and they performed so well that I couldn't even outshine them even if I put every inch of my soul into this. My heart is beating so fast so rapidly.

And then the feelings I've been holding in, how Kaede-san has been forcing me to play guitar and how because of her I was in this position when I would just be fine playing as a cashier. My heart is hurting so bad

the strings of the guitar I'm holding is reminding me of my painful past. There is nothing good going on with me, I hate my life. I hate my life. I wished I had just disappeared, I wished I was never put on this position. I wished I just walked instead of taking that taxi and I hated how Kaede-san has been pushing me to this position and I hated myself for being so weak and being so incapable of saying no.

I hate it, I hate it. I hate it all. It's all coming above the surface and it's all flooding in, I'm trying my best to keep it in but no matter what I do it's all coming above the surface. Thousands and thousands of fans are watching me from the crowd not to mention the millions watching from their homes. I've not only shocked everyone but disappointed them. Hell I'm pretty sure some of them already recognised who I am. I'm starting to see that alot of them are starting to catch on, on who I might just be.

My heart hurts so bad and it's burning up the same way it's all burning up, I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it-

And then all of a sudden, I grabbed straight for my heart and then I fell down shocking the audience as I stopped moving and then I went into slumber sleep. The last thing I see was somebody running into my aide.

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The first thing I heard was the heartbeat monitor beep and for a-while, I stayed asleep right before I would wake up…my vision remains blurry however and I'm trying to get clear sight…and I see a few familiar faces surrounding me.

Once my vision is cleared, I finally saw who was around me and the first thing I heard was.

“Hitori-chan?”

Chapter Text

I pushed a couple of yen coins into the vending machine, the soft hum providing a sort of creepy vibes yet it was rather weirdly comfortable. The shoddy street lights flickering restlessly down the street.

I sat down on the bench when I finally got the energy drinks, I felt dry for whatever reason and after countless hours of overworking myself. My body just felt tired and to regain my strength. I just gulped down the energy drink down my throat.

I wonder.

Just how long can I keep this up?

Just how long can I keep lying to myself?

Just how long can I tolerate this…?

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“”Hitori-chan?”

I have awakened from my sleep and a certain familiar red haired girl was just sitting there and staring at me, my vision is still blurry and I’m still looking at the ceiling. I turned to where she was, trying to figure out what just happened.

What exactly is going on?

“Hitori-chan, you're awake! Ryo and Nijika were here a while ago! Jeez, I couldn't recognise you…you looked so…different.”

And It just hit me….

This was Kita-san.

And weirdly yet, she looks so different. I always saw it from afar but I never got this far close to her…her hair is so much longer and she's just gotten prettier, everything about her just blows me away and it makes sense though. She's always been ranked the most attractive member in Kessoku Band.

A part of me misses her deeply. I really did love her so much and she was so nice and I really loved her so much.

And yet. These thoughts started to come to me…why….why abandon me?

“You…look so different…you just completely disappeared off the planet and nobody knew where you are…we even tried asking your parents but they didn't wanna give us any answers."

…

"You know? I still look at your messages over in KessokuCord sometimes. Good old memories right?"

...

“Uhm.. I'm sorry for not having talked to you for the past few years…I was just sort of busy..”

I kept staying silent, staring deeply into Kita with a vehement look, I couldn't just forget what she said, what they all said about me. Every fibre of my being is being filled with a negative energy akin to fury like, I was furious at her.

You were sort of busy? Is that why you didn't talk to me? No, we know the true reason why you didn't wanna talk to me and-

“Um…Hitori-chan? You look so judgme-”

“Don't call me that.”

I spat out my words by my instinct, it was incredibly unusual of me and I didn't know why but I've just been holding it in and I couldn't stop it. For all these years I've buried these all under my skin.

And for one, I can tell that scared her off just by the expression on her face.

And soon after she clenched her fist really hard which she would do so often even years ago putting it right behind her.

“H-Hitori-Chan? I just wanted to talk ro you-”

I stayed silent, a million thoughts running through my mind with intense rage. I had thought I had buried these thoughts way under me but I couldn't forget just the way they treated me.

And just as when I was about to burst something out, a team suddenly rushed inside with somebody holding up the microphone and a camera man recording the whole thing and some doctors and nurses, all rushing inside the room.

“U-um…”

Kita-san seemed as shocked as I was as the assistant immediately gestured for the cameras to start rolling and even pulled Kita-san near to her whispering something.

Was this whole thing a setup? Is it just like that cancer patient with Amano-san??? Just as when I didn't expect you to step even lower, to use this just for PR Gain.

“Get out.” I muttered out loud, staring deep into Kita-san’s eyes with nothing but complete rage In my system, all these years of anger hiding underneath me just ready to burst all at once like a pipe exploding.

And Kita-san seemed really intimidated by that and a part of me can't help but feel satisfied with that.

But to my own shock once again, Kita-san decided to stand up with a really sad expression on her face, still clenching her fist extremely hard right behind her. “You still haven't gotten over that, huh?”

“H-huh?”

And Kita-san just saw right through me and I just…I didn't know what to say…still I was angry and I wanted to say anything that would hurt her.

“I'll leave you to be then.” Kita-san then left alongside the people and my anger dissipated away for now and now I feel…rather empty as I've always felt for years on end.

Confronting Kessoku Band and especially Kita-san is what I've often fantasized about, being angry at them and then later on forgiving them after they’ve apologised is what I've expected.

And when I finally got it…I….I…Kita-san left me alone, she was just gonna use me for PR just to make her and Kessoku Band look good like I'm a make-a-wish kid.

And now I'm just back to being myself.

I sat silently and I went back to my own thoughts, were all the things I said to Kita too harsh? I mean…I guess so…but…I don't know how to feel about it. I didn't expect our first interaction to go like this.

The fact she even came to visit did show that she cared about me but all these cameras around and stuff did show that she didn't really care that much about me. Maybe she wanted to look good for PR by visiting the guitarist that had a heart attack.

I continued to stay in silence, not knowing what to do.

But one thing is for certain.

It's not over yet.

Chapter Text

At an unknown location in the nearby subway. Two women were walking around eating some bread, as they seemed to be in pursuit of something…searching for something. One seemed calm and alarmed while the other seemed rather impulsive, ready to give up and complain as if they’ve been doing this for years with little to no progress.

After a while as they got out, nothing was going on…they kept walking and they kept walking and…then all of a sudden the impulsive one grabbed the arm of the calm one as if to stop her, seeming to be fed up with something. What could they be doing?

“Dude, we’ve been searching for this woman in the photo for like 5 years…shit if she can't be found then nobody is gonna find her…shit we’re just simple women not bounty hunters! Our search is just for nothing! Heck! Why are we even doing this?”

The calm one finally stopped and turned towards the Impulsive one, it's not the first time the impulsive one complained and quite frankly she's had enough.

“Dude…we were hired for this type of work, we got such easy money and you’re still complaining? C'mon dude…combine all of our money together and so far we’ve all gotten 456 Million Yen! Do you know how much that is in the USD?”

“But still! Her? Really? 5 years of us searching for her and nothing even pops up! We even pleaded on Television shows, podcasts and everywhere even including Twitta spaces! I mean have you tried asking her parents? We know them, we literally found out that she has parents. I mean, they're in town right now so we can go and ask them.”

“Really? We’ve already talked to them and they said that she went on to live on her own and that not even they know where she is.”

“What??? Have you checked the house? Maybe she's hiding there!”

“We’ve already checked 3 times and quite frankly, I don't wanna get into the fight with the parents again…I'm sure they’re already bothered by us. We don't wanna go bothering them again…they're tired of our shit.”

“Well shit…if not even her parents find her…how are we supposed to find her? Shit…I mean we’ve already been everywhere…the United States…France…South Korea…Vietnam..Germany…United Kingdom, London, Washington, Paris, Hanaoi everywhere man! I mean, it's technically a vacation and we get to enjoy it but isn't this tiring? C'mon. Let's just go home…we’ve got enough to celebrate our Lifetime.”

“You’re free to give up but I won't give up, even before you met us, I saw her play with our boss outside to promote her upcoming concert and I went to her upcoming concert…I can't give up on her now…I've always been a huge fan of her…I'm legit her numbe one fan, she's the greatest guitarist I've ever had a pleasure of enjoying the performance. Unlike that guitarist they have right now…I mean seriously…all she does is brag about being the greatest guitarist, she has no character!”

“Oh you're just stubborn as always…even your friend…I mean they’ve started a podcast. Just go join them as a regular! You already appear in them occasionally! And the greatest guitarist? Seriously? I mean…it is true Amano is a way better guitarist than her…hell even then anybody so it's not a big problem…she’s just taking a pride in her work…let me guess, you’re one of those few hardcore bocchi stans that still argues with Amano fans on Twitta eh? Like those Japanese Soldiers still fighting 30 years after World War 2 has ended! You should rename yourself Onoda Hiroo at this point!-”

“Amano only wishes she could be as good a guitarist as her… and besides…she's already made an appeal on the Podcast and she didn't turn up, I can't stop this now!”

“What about the band? She used to play with them, surely she still has contacts with them?”

“Are you stupid? She would’ve already been found if they did.”

“Okay what about her former classmates? She’s gotta have friends!”

“Nope…we’ve already tried..even her teachers, even her Kindergarten Teacher…to no avail whatsoever.”

“Well? What??? I mean…if she's not turning up…if her parents don't know where she is and if her sibling doesn't know where she is…if her former classmates don't know her…and not even her OhTube fans knows despite creating a subreddit dedicated to finding her… Maybe she…”

“Don't say that…she will never do that! We’ll find her one day!”

“Alright! Damn…it's been 5 years so don't go blaming me for thinking that!...well..we’re already discussing this shit anyways…what theory do you have for her getting kicked out? I mean…there's no way they’d ever kick her out, it already sounds ridiculous on its own! So there's gotta be a true reason for it other than the made up stuff they have!”

“...”

“Oh wait! I know! Maybe she cheated on that red haired vocalist! That's why she got kicked out of the band! If you can't commit to your partner, you can't commit to the band as a whole! Not to mention the scandal and everything if it came out and maybe-”

She got slapped very harshly as the impulsive grabbed the side of the face that got slapped with both her hands very quickly and turned towards the calm one who straight up looked like she had enough of her shit. She's not playing around.

“You’re being very stupid with all that you have been saying. All your suggestions are stupid. This is why I'm the lead investigator and not your dumbass…let's just keep searching. We can get to the whys and hows once we’re done with all of this.”

“Ow! Ow alright!”

Just as when they stopped talking, they saw an active store and had run out of bread…they realized pretty quickly that they had no drinks and they'd been pretty dehydrated for a while so…they encountered a nice looking store, looks well clean and there's at least two people working there as they saw a customer walking out with some chips and coca cola.

The calm one stopped the impulsive one and pointed at the store.

“Hey…go inside the store and get some gatorade for us won't you?”

“What??? Me??? C'mon girl…I've already done so much and now you want me to go there and buy? You're so lazy-”

“Look, I even did some babysitting for you, dealt with your annoying ass baby and I was even the best man in your wedding in the past when you were getting married to that Mathematician nerd of yours so give me some slack.”

“Don’t call Akihito Nakamura a nerd! He may not be the brightest person in the world but he’s one of the greatest mathematicians in the world! Nobody just wins the Fields Medal and Abel Prize like he does!-”

“Alright! Alright! I know…but c'mon…you know what I did. It's not like I was lazy or anything.”

“Alright…fine…whatever.”

“Also…make sure to check out if they're there…who knows…maybe they are who we are looking for.”

“What??? Surely you don't think about her in the store? There's no way she would ever work in a store, she's socially anxious and she can barely even handle to talk to people…I mean she did get confident but there's no way-”

“Shut up and go, even if you don't find them…we’ll get some gatorade.”

“Alright! Alright! Fine! You leave me no choice!”

The Impulsive one entered the school real quick as she ran to grab some gatorade in which she quickly found them and then immediately ran to the counter and just as when she got on the counter and put the gatorade with the money on it. She looked at the cashier and she…looked somewhat familiar…she doesn't get why but she's got a nagging feeling that this might be somebody that she might just know and she felt completely compelled to talk to her…however this is all just based on guts, she's always known that she's had a great tuition but even she can't trust it just this time. She would need something more concrete than just that.

Taking a closer look at her…she has a short black hair and a black tracksuit and well that is different but yet her face looks familiar and she has the same eye colour as the one we’re looking at…she doesn't have those iconic blue and yellow cubed hair ties that a lot of former Bocchi Twitta Stan Accounts used to be over so it doesn't seem all that familiar but yet to her this looks strangely familiar combined with the feelings and the sense of familiarity. It's almost as if she knows who this might be.

And she's staring at her, she looks afraid and scared as if she's scared of something as she finished processing the gatorade, taking the money away and giving the receipt to her with some change, her hands are certainly sweating and she looks frightened. Almost as if she's seen a ghost.

“H-here you go sir..uhm..ma’am…”

She looked at her one more time before deciding that she looked completely nothing like the person in the photo, so she grabbed the gatorade and the receipt and left. They both get their own respective gatorade with the impulsive one immediately drinking hers as she’s eager to drink it. She doesn't seem to be the type of person she's looking for…like what was said…they're looking for a socially anxious guitarist and there was no way she could even be in the store. If she's hiding, she wouldn't hide in plain sight.

“Did you find her?” The calm one asked as she looked directly into the eyes of the impulsive one as the Impulsive one shook her head and responded. “Couldn't find her…no. Sorry.” The calm one sighed…she should get used to this now but what can they say? The calm one drank her own gatorade and once she was done, she immediately readied herself and looked around. Seeing which direction to go to and which direction to not go to.

“C'mon let’s go…I heard from somebody that she might be here. Let's start with the Park.” the calm one said, the impulsive one nodded and followed the calm one as they went off in their pursuit of finding her. Unaware that the one they've looking for is just right in front of them.

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I just got out of the hospital and went home, it has been multiple days since what happened. I received multiple letters, multiple visitors and my family was there for me. I even got a letter in an envelope from Onee-san.

I quickly unwrapped the envelope and read everything in the letter as slowly as I could so I could understand everything. I haven't even talked to her for a couple of years and I haven't even heard much about her personally aside from the fact that she stopped being drunk and her band grew more famous.

“Bocchi-chan, it's been awhile we’ve talked…I know you hate me and you have every right to do so. I should have given you some space after what happened and even till to this day…I still think about it from time to time…in fact I've been looking for you everywhere…But since I've cleared out my schedule and talked to everybody I could…please meet me down here at the Trés Bien at 700 PM, it's a french restaurant…You might have heard about it in the news somewhere in 2018 where it became the scene of the crime but the place’s renovated in everything including the food. Come soon. I'll make it worth your while.”

Would I…even wanna meet up with Onee-san? I mean…between everything that's happened or not…I mean I guess it would be nice to meet up with her…she's one of the only very people I know that still wants to meet up with me and she's one of the only very few people that stood up for me…even Kita-san didn't stand up for me in such a situation. But all she would do is just remind me of my old life…remind me of when I was Hitori Gotoh…and not Suzuki Hanako…back then everything was so nice and I had to go and ruin it all and…and…. But on the other hand…I could talk to Onee-san and then finally confront the Kessoku band over all the things they've been talking about me.

But still I still couldn't stop thinking about what happened. My interactions with Kita-san and what happened in that stadium. I can't help but get angry at her. I don't know why I got angry at her…I mean…I do know why but…I…I just wanted to get back at her and then after that…nothing…she was the only person out of the Kessoku Band to visit me while the others just left letters…which I just threw in the trash…Ryo…Nijika and Amano never even visited me.

Maybe I should have talked to Kita-san…maybe..maybe we would have been friends again…but because of that the Pent-Up anger I've been holding inside me was released just this day and because of that…I screwed it up…

Urgh..I shouldn't have been thinking about it! Lock it all inside the deepest dark subconscious depths of my mind where it shall hopefully never merge again! Let's think of something else…I've been offered a second chance by Kikuri-san and I just hope I don't screw it up. I can't give up now like I gave up these days…I finally got the chance…although…the urge to hide away and reject it and continue to live the life I've been living is…

Well…On the other hand…I'm at least better now, I feel a little better. The news regarding me seems to have faded away and I particularly didn't like the attention I got. Luckily for me…nobody seemed to connect a dot between me and the former pink-haired guitarist of Kessoku Band so I guess my disguise is working as intended…haha. Rookie Guitarist Suzuki Hanako…I guess I have some local fame I suppose…but I still don't want people to think it's me.

Well…it's clear that I don't know what to think about this and I obviously need some time to think…I still harbor some really strong feelings about what happened…7:00 Pm? I…well a couple of hours to think about it isn't that bad…but maybe I can go to work to just distract myself…I still need to get to work after all…

I decided to dress up for work to get myself ready and I decided to wear some extra layers of hoodies and a face mask so I don't get spotted or recognised. I used to wear face masks back then because I didn't want people to notice me but…people kept asking me about my face mask and thought it was weird so…I just…stopped wearing it since it was bringing attention to me.

I immediately went back, rushing towards work as I jogged my way back to work, going fast at times and slow at times…it's a healthy exercise to at least run every single day for 30 minutes as it boosts your immune system, burn calories, strengthens your joints and a bunch of healthy things!

Oh what am I kidding…the only reason I'm even jogging is because I don't want people to think of me as suspicious…if I run like my life depends on it I'm about to get some eyes from people!

And as I'm running…I can't help that the few people I came across, the few cars that drove past by me, I can't help but feel and think they spotted me and were definitely looking at me…and that they recognize who I am…they're definitely taking pictures and making fun of me behind the scenes, they're definitely all mocking me. I can't do this, I can't do this.I wanna stay at home, I wanna stay at home. Let me stay another year pls. I wanna move away from here, I don't wanna be recognized. I don't wanna be recognised. I don't wanna be recognised. Oh god it feels like I'm gonna die-

I went to the store and then saw that it was closed.

Well…crap…

I later got on my phone and saw the text messages manager-san left me and it was about how she wished that I would recover and that she didn't expect that to happen and then she talked about how she might have to close the store for tonight due to her going on a vacation to visit her sisters in California.

Well that's just great, just great.

“Well, the store's closed pal…what are you gonna do?”

I turned around and saw Saihara-san behind me and immediately froze up, she and kaede-san did actually visit me at the hospital where they wished me well and kaede-san had to apologize so hard that I had to forgive her even though it really wasn't her fault.

Although…

I am a bit worried about Saihara-san since she told me…

“Once you get out of the hospital, we need to talk.”

In such an intimidating and forceful tone that I got scared, what is she trying to talk to me for??? I didn't do anything right??? Is she gonna slip a card to me and invite me to play kiddie games with people in South Korea and get shot??? My legs are shaking!

I was hoping so hard to get to work so I could delay talking to her but no…very…very unfortunate for me…my legs feel like they're gonna run away any second now.

“u-um…go home.and drink myself into tomorrow?” I responded back, my legs are still shaking from all of this. I can handle the despair that's gonna come to me!

“Calm down, nothings gonna happen…come with me…I just have to talk about…your performance in that concert”

Come with her??? My performance in that concert??? W-what is going on??? Am I gonna be berated again??? Are they gonna shame me again? Or am I gonna be sold to the Yakuza with my kidneys???

I can't handle that! No! That's why I've become Suzuki Hanako! I can't- I can't do that! I can’t-

Maybe if I'll just say no and then go away, maybe she’ll ignore me and then I'll cut my ties with Kaede-san and go back to working with the manager so I don't get my kidneys sold to the Yakuza-

“Great! Let's go!”

W-WHAT????

Saihara-san suddenly wrapped her one arm around me in a rather forceful way and began walking somewhere and I was forced to walk alongside her. Her grip on me tightening and I can't do anything but walk alongside her.

This is gonna end up terrible for me.

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We made it to a very big club, purple lightning and it's a club for…certainly adults…I had to go through the bouncer and it was the scariest thing of my life! But thankfully…or not really but thankfully Saihara-san seemed to know the guy and he let us both get in and I…having no idea what to do now just following her all the way up to the counter where there were drinks nearby.

“Want some?” Saihara-san asked me, she's looking to get drunk again as per usual. She would certainly get along with Onee-san and my response to that was.

“No…I don't want to.”

I never resorted to alcohol even after I was kicked out, why would I drink alcohol now? Thought if I'm put in a really bad shape…I could probably relapse into taking on cigarettes again if I'm being honest. It was so bad my mom had to get me out of it and I'm thankful to her for that, I just couldn't handle it.

Augh…everything is just making me feel nauseous and my headache is getting worse….I really…really don't like it. My head hurts so bad for some reason…even though I haven't even eaten, drank or even done anything yet…just being in this environment of all the sexual stuff going on and all the gross stuff…and everything. It's just making my head spin.

“Want some?”

Saihara-san said, offering some alcohol to me…in which I profusely refused as she went back to drinking…she truly reeks of booze.

“N-no…” i said, I really don't want that.

Saihara-san just nodded and then kept drinking and for a while…both me and Saihara-san were just there as she grabbed yet another glass of whiskey and drank it before talking to me. She reeks of alcohol already. I hate it.

“So….Suzuki-san…. Tell me…how do you truly feel about the band?”

Uhm- what is she talking about? Uh- uh- uh-.

“What band?” I asked nervously, I have no idea what she's talking about. Is she talking about her band? Kessoku Band? SIDEROS???

She puts down her glass of alcohol on the table and came just a tiny bit closer which creeps me out. It was definitely weird of her to do this all of a sudden…like…did Saihara-san and Kaede-san switch bodies? Oh no…oh no…I wish I had my energy drink by me…I'd feel safer without it. The loud music continued non-stop and the party just keeps going

And yet, in spite of all that. I don't feel excited at all, I don't feel like I wanna dance at all…I just have a gut that tells me..that this is gonna be terrible but I don't wanna leave yet.

“Your old band…Kessoku Band.”

Oh…that's what she meant.

“Uhm…they're…uhm…”

“Don't lie to me…I saw how you acted in the hospital.”

H-huh??? W-what???

“You think I didn't see Kita leave the hospital dejected? You must have done something…tell me how you truly feel about her and the rest of your old band mates."

H-huh??? She's being forceful right now…I uhm…uhm…I uh…..

That is a good question…how do I feel about them? I've…watched videos of them talking about me and talking trash about me. All about how they all really didn't like me, how I was just a guitarist to them and all… so I know that they don't really feel all that good about me…

But still…even after all those years…even after everything…I just…can't keep them off my mind.

I can't get over what happened…I just wish I could have changed what I had done….just wished that…that…

But at the same time…they didn't have to do all of that to me…I knew what I did was wrong and yet they just…kept hurting me…I…Hated that…as much as I didn't like that word.

“You don't need to say anything, your expressions say it for you.” Saihara-san said as she seemed to be down with her glass of whiskey, ordering yet another round. Still drunk as usual.

Huh? Am I that easy to read???

“Then I propose this question to you….Do you….really hate the Kessoku Band? Do you?”

H-hate the Kessoku Band??? I…I'll admit that throughout my years of watching them and all the stuff about me…I feel strongly about them in such a negative way and admittedly…I've felt myself frustrated…I've felt betrayed about all the lies they smithered about me and I…really didn't like how they acted like how I wasn't even an important part of their life…let alone the band itself…I do hate what they're doing…

B-but…still..hate them entirely? It's such a strong word to use against people…even in spite of what they all say. I still spent time with them and they were…good to me…and I liked them and I'm fairly sure they liked me too…It's just that everything went south for me and most of it was my fault anyways…so I definitely don't hate them…

What should I say? What should I say? Well I gotta be honest…As far as I know Saihara-san is a Kessoku Band fan alongside Kaede-san…I gotta be honest despite what they say…they may end up getting angry at me but if there's one thing I could do…it's to be honest despite what they say.

“I don't like them .. that's all..” it's honest…I don't like Kessoku Band…but still…I can't bring myself to hate them.

“Well alright then.” Saihara-san looked mildly disappointed and finished a glass of whiskey before ordering another one, is she really this drunk? This is her 7th one! I'd expect her to black out at least. Does she have great endurance or anything? Although it's…weird that they didn't rage at me for not liking Kessoku Band but…that's…nice. I like that.

“You know…Kesosku Band…you know…truth is…I actually don't like them.”

H-huh???

I found myself visually shocked by that, when I first met Kaede-san…they talked to me about how they were big fans of Kessoku Band including me…but yet…she doesn't really like the Kessoku Band? Huh?? I'm…so confused. What is going on?

Not to mention…the Kessoku Band is loved all around the world! I didn't expect to find a hater out of everything so soon!

Saihara-san put down her glass of whiskey with…seemingly an expression of contempt on her face and would go on to spout the following words with a Belligerent Tone in her voice as if to say she really does hate the Kessoku Band and it's quite aggressive…and quite frightening to be completely honest.

“Truth to be told…a couple of years back…I used to be quite a big fan of the band…and so was Kaede…we were huge fans…she was always a fan of yours, I've always preferred the Dorito girl…and when we finally get to name our own band..we even named the band something close to the Kessoku Band…that's how huge of fans we were. We even used to upload cover songs of their songs on OhTube and they reached many views…the highlight of it was that the Kessoku Band Official OhTube Account commented on our videos and we were so happy about that. It was the greatest comment we have received…getting praise from such a band of legends was great…of course she was a little heartbroken when it was announced that you were out of the band…but so was I…so was everybody else.”

“And time comes on…we were signed to the same band…STRAY BEATS…they told us we showed talent and that we could even be famous…there's this…one little annoying bastard that went over to congratulate us and told us that we might even come to collaborate with the Kessoku Band.”

“So we began releasing songs…albums after albums and while we didn't reach national fame let alone even regional fame…we were gaining some support online and our concerts were getting bigger every single day.”

“In fact, we released a hit album that was bought by over 20k people and we were set to perform on our biggest concert yet in front of 15k people…of course it's not like we were the only ones performing but then…Me and my bandmates heard the news that the Kessoku Band was gonna take our spot…”

“They told us that they wanna prioritize their number one band in the whole wide world over us…and you know what? I was fine…until…all of a sudden I was peeping through doors and I accidentally heard something…from that little blue devil friend of yours.”

Ah…she must be talking about Yamada…

“And they said…and I quote. “The songs they're playing are terrible, trash even. You should fire them.””

H-huh?? That..that…doesn't even sound like Yamada at all! Is she lying to me??? T-there’s no way! Yamada-san will never do that! It's impossible! I just don't even believe in it.

“And the next day…our contract was terminated….said we weren't making them enough money…but I know the truth…that little blue devil is just afraid of us.”

H-huh?? I mean…it sounds convincing with the story she's telling but there's no way Yamada-san would ever stoop to that level…despite how bad that may sound… there's no way any of that can be true.

“Of course…I kept it hidden from Kaede-san…she's still a fan of the Kessoku Fan but it's a reason why I started to not like the band…but that's not the worst of it at all…if you think the Kessoku Band is widely loved…which they are, don't get me weird but it's not all rainbows and sunshines especially when you start looking at all the dramas…at all the controversies that has involved them like this one time…”

W-what drama? What controversy? What are we talking about?

“Y’know this one time Amano ended up replacing somebody on stage because she was afraid someone was gonna steal her spotlight…or how the Kessoku Band released these incredibly unhealthy food that they would sell to kids called “Deliciously”? Or what about that time when Kita released her outrageous solo song called “Thick Of It”? Well…technically not a solo song since she did collaborate with somebody but…but I'm sure you’ve heard of that right? Well..my point is..you realize…that these guys…are just pricks…they're assholes even. Nothing but manipulative cunts looking out for themselves.*

W-what??? That's…not true…that's just…there's no way they can do this…I mean I've heard some form of backlash against them before but…none of this is true. I-...I-... there's no way the Kessoku Band got taken over by greed like that!

“Hence why I don't stream it anymore…and why I arranged for you to perform live in the concert with the help of a friend of mine of course.”

Huh??? You were the one this whole time?? H-huh?? The whole time???

“I just wanted you to take attention away from them…even as impossible as that sounded…but…I suppose it did work…despite the fact that it did not go as expected but it still worked.”

“But still…you gotta understand the Kessoku Band? They're no longer the people you or I know…they've…gone down a dark path…just like every single other band that has gone famous, they’ll break bad. What fame can do to a mind is.”

No…no way any of this can be true..it all has to be a fake! I gotta tell her about this! Maybe it's a prank or something but I certainly don't buy any of these! There's no way…

“W-what? T-there's…no way that's true….you’re l-lying! None of these are t-true!”

“Well unfortunately it is true…feel free to search it online…feel free to go Ask Jeeves about that one. The main point is…they're absolute pricks. You shouldn't count on them..”

I feel nauseous…and all of this is just making me confused..and everything is just weirder and weirder! But if this is all true…then I…have to absolutely go talk to Onee-san! I have to talk to her and bring up these problems!

But…I'm…not…that confident in myself…Maybe I could bring Saihara-san with me then…but I don't think that's a very good idea…maybe I could try to reason with her.

“That's not true…I don't believe that they can be that evil…there's…gotta be some mistakes here and there..”

“Oh? So you don't think so? And why do you think so? Is it because of the time you spent with the band? Did you forget that they kicked you out in the first place?”

Eek! She’s so scary with her tone and everything! I- uhm…

“Why don't I show you something that will change your mind?”

H-huh???

Saihara-san immediately took out the phone from her pocket, went on OhTube and seemed to search for something before clicking on the video and then showed it to me which seemed to be an interview taken by the Kessoku Band with the video starting with them reading something out. This seems to be recent…and I've noticed that all of them seems to just have…some dark skin under their eyes? What?

“What happened to the Kessoku Band man..

I can't not say anything anymore. This is selling stuff for the sake of making money, simple. How does this benefit their fans?

This is selling crap to kids who don't know better than to trust the people who are selling it to them.

Do better.”

Kita-san: “Well I don't think we’re really selling unhealthy food right? I mean…I know we”re sponsored but I don't think they're unhealthy food or anything.”

Nijika-san:: “Besides…it's not like we’re doing greater things too! I mean our food is way more healthy than theirs…like for example our competitors' food gives consumers heart attacks and our food only gives consumers a headache at worst…it's not that bad.”

Ryo-san: “Yes…Deliciously(Please buy now for only 100$) not to mention our Energy drink(Please buy now for only 250$) and our toys(please buy now for 150$) and to our great and beloved charity foundation “Kessoku Band for Children Foundation”(Please donate any kind of money you have, preferably 20,000$), we’re not all that bad.”

Nijika-san: “Well yeah we’re good people! It's so obvious just how much good we are doing out in the world y’know? What we are doing is not even that bad.”

Amano-san: “Besides…what have they done? We are out here changing the lives of millions and millions of people so what have they done? Nothing that's for sure.”

It all sounds so fake…choreographed…it almost all sounds like it was a set up by the PR Team. It's all fake. I can't even believe what my ears are even saying right now…it..it doesn't even sound like them, it doesn't sound like the people I know, the people I've met, the people who I've spent time with…

Did fame really change people like this? Did corporation really change them like this? To twist their true selves into what the public just wants to see?

“You’re wrong..this…this has to be AI-Generated.”

“Really now? Has your denial gone that far?”

Saihara-san seemed a little disappointed, almost as if she was hoping for something more…maybe she just thought this would piss me off more but nevertheless, she sighed and dealt with it.

I just can't really deal with this. This is just too much of a world-changer for me. I just really don't know how to deal with this. I would…maybe need some time..no..I just…

“You might just need more time…Message me over on Isosta if you come back to reality and change your mind.”

Saihara-san just walked away, still a glass of whiskey on her hand as I just stood there awkwardly out-of-place and completely noticeable to which as that as soon as I realized that, I immediately ran away from the place.

As I got out, I grabbed the letter from my pocket from Onee-san.

If all of these are true…maybe I could come to her and get her to convince the Kessoku Band that what they're doing is wrong…the people I know would never do this and if there's any bits of that left, they would realize it…or worse yet…fame has truly changed them…except for the worse. But even if that's true…she could help and convince them to change!

It…just has to be her..It can't be me…they would never listen to an old friend haha…

I…I have to come now…I was debating this letter but I have to go now…otherwise the Kessoku Band might end up on an incredibly dark path…and even for all they did to me…I don't want them to go that way.

I have to come now…I have to talk to her about this!

Chapter Text

An 80s sounding metal song begins playing as the green logo pops up on the screen seeming to display two characters, one man and one woman doing their iconic pose as the image shown of the man is of him shredding his guitar in front of thousands of the people…and the image shown of the woman is….her drinking a coffee? Her OhTube Channel did pop off and one of her famous videos had her drinking coffee so it must be from that.

The screen then transitioned to the characters sitting in a chair together, microphone to their faces as the name of the podcast finally appeared on screen titled “The Nerd and The Princess.” The man was obviously the Nerd and the woman…was obviously the princess. The name seems to be mocking the public perception of the two since the two seem to be really famous people.

The title was also coloured green. Everything about the podcast is pretty much green. Green seems to be the main colour for this podcast.

The woman finally speaks as I get to stare at the logo, the characters and the title.

“Thank you for joining in, this is podcast episode 21 and I'm here joined by the usual guest of the show Levi Rizman, how do you feel?”[Woman]

“Well I'm doing great thank you, Takahashi Makiko. Today we are here to talk about the usual, the Geopolitical situation of the world, the world economy, sports, OhTube, whatever it is. Y’know normal stuff.”[Man]

“And this is the 387th episode of the podcast today, can you believe it? 387th episode and we’ve been doing this for years?”[Makiko}

“Well yeah, I really can't believe it. It's been what? A couple of years since Gukesh won the World Chess Championship Match?”[Levi]

“Alright let's do this!”[Makiko]

[Laughter]

“And now we’ll go to our first segment of the day, we got a call from somebody named…Sodium? With the Profile Picture of Barack Obama…damn I didn't know there were still Obama fans in the big 2026”[Levi]

[Laughter]

“I mean, who doesn't like Obama? Can you imagine if he ran for 3rd term again? He'll win in a landslide!”[Makiko]

“True, true…that was just me trying to appeal to Kids. I'm sorry..”[Levi]

[Awkward Chuckle from the Man]

“You wanna appeal to kids? You gonna say stuff like Skibidi Toilet, Among Us Imposter. Rizzler. Kai Cenat. IShowSpeed.”[Makiko]

“Man, what are even those words? I don't get it.”[Levi]

[Laughter from both]

“Back in my day, we had Smosh, MLG, Illuminati, Smoke Weed Every day c'mon!”[Levi]

“Oh you’re a Gen Z, of course you’re old.”[Makiko]

“Oh c'mon, I'm not that old yet…I was only born in 2006!”[Levi]

“You’re practically 20 years old, yes you are old.”[Makiko]

“You keep talking about Old yet you’re older than me! You’re probably a millennial!”[Levi]

[Laughter from Both]

“Alright let's cut to the chase, let's see what our dear friend Sodium has got to say!”[Makiko]

“Alright, you go ahead and read it first as usual.”[Levi]

“Alright!” [Makiko]

Makiko cleared her throat before reading outloud the comment in an accent that can only be described as a combination between Hawaiian and Midwestern.

Sodium: “Hi Makiko, Hi Levi. I've watched something from your podcast where you talked about Bocchi who was a former member of Kessoku Band who was a former kessoku and has since disappeared y’know, you all were talking about her and one of the main topics was if she's better than Haruki and to that, I say no.”

“I mean have you compared how the band plays with Bocchi to how the band plays with Haruki? The difference is clear as day and night, without Haruki. Kessoku Band could never have been the band they are today. Bocchi? C'mon you’re joking. She's TERRIBLE! Look, I'm not a musician alright. I get that some musicians say that she's not that terrible, in fact she sounds okay but she just sounded terrible. I mean it's alright looking at it but compared to Amano. She sounded really terrible and I could tell why Ryo thought she was hurting the band. Like they really needed Haruki. You got a super talented drummer, a super cool bassist and a really great singer and you got this really dumb…not so good sounding guitarist??? Man, get the hell out of here.”

“I even heard that once Bocchi got kicked out, she threw a hissy fit like she's so entitled! She should be grateful that she even got to be in a band. She should be worshipping Nijika and cleaning her mess up for even being accepted into the band.”

“I mean, really? I bet the only reason she even got into the Kessoku Band was because she was Kita’s girlfriend. That's it. End of the story. I don't care if she's Guitarhero or whatever. YOU should never throw a fit when you got to be in a band like Kessoku Band. Like do you know how many stans would KILL to be in that position? Shit, I would kill my grandma’s friend’s dad’s dog to be a guitarist and to be able to hang out with the Kessoku Band every single day y’know what I'm saying?”

“Anyways, please stream Living In The Sea by the Kessoku Band on Spotify today. We’re gonna surpass Kendrick Lamar.”

The resding finally stopped as I could feel Makiko scratching her head, even though I couldn't really see her do that. I'm just listening to the audio afterall.

“Well that's very interesting.”[Makiko]

[Awkward Chuckle from Makiko]

“Well you know, I do agree that Haruki was way better than Bocchi could ever measure up to be, I mean if Bocchi were to be in a guitar battle with Haruki, I have my bets on Bocchi.”[Levi]

“Wait what? Guitar Battle?”[Makiko]

“What? You didn't hear? Guitar Battle.. it's an event where the guitarists goes off to show off which one is better and y’know, the audience votes on which one is better…I heard Haruki is the Guitar Battle World Champion.”[Levi]

“Oh, I haven't heard of that. Is it a Western Thing?”[Makiko]

“Well, It's a Western Thing yes but it's gonna be worldwide by like 2028 I'm telling you.”[Levi]

[Awkward Chuckle from Makiko]

“I'm guessing it's an ego thing.”[Makiko]

“Pretty much but yeah, you get what I'm saying? I'm just saying, Bocchi is like…bad..like way worse than Haruki if we’re comparing them when it comes to guitar skills.”[Levi]

“Yeahh…I don't have much to comment on, I mean from the previous episodes. You know how strongly I feel about this and stuff-”[Makiko]

“Well yeah, you’re like…Bocchi’s Number two fan I can tell.”[Levi]

“Why am I always Number two? Ayako is not Number one. I am!”[Makiko]

[Laughter from both]

“Yeahh sure….”[Levi]

“Let's just move on…alright for the next segment!”[Makiko]

"Yeah! So here's what Omori Izanagi had to say..."[Levi]

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[Tres Bien]

I sat there drinking my coffee, it still tasted horrible. Despite everything that has happened. It's been years, why does it still taste horrible?

Onee-san isn't here yet...However I did arrive early 30 minutes away so I wouldn't miss it and besides I need to show my dedication to the request... Hold on...what if...this is a trick??? What if the Kessoku Band shows up and forces me to sign an NDA with them and then I wouldn't get to spend alot of time with Onee-san at all???

Or what if they just kidnapped me and sold my kidneys on the black market??? Or what if it's for a ritual?? Oh my goodness...oh my goodness...Oh. No...I need to get out of here...but I just need to walk slowly and make sure nobody is watching and nobody is suspicious and maybe I'll get out of here...maybe flee to South Korea since clearly this city isn't safe enough-

I just saw Onee-san enter in and she looked... incredibly professional with a suit on

And dear lord, she looks like a completely different person, she has a darkish-purple suit on, her teeth doesn't look that bad anymore and as she got closer, she doesn't smell like a wet dog anymore...she smells... delightful, a completely fresh scent.

On the other note, there are completely visible eye bags on her, the way she walked was...awkward and she seemed really stressed over everything.

She sat down, the opposite side of me and told the waiter she would like some coffee as she then faced towards me and then...

Out of pure sheer awkwardness, we just avoided looking at eachother...occasionally looking at eachother to see if any of us would initiate first but...I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her... I'm just...too shy for this and it's been years. A couple of years at least! In fact I'm not even used to this...Onee-san... I wasn't expecting it but a part of me hoped she would barge into the restaurant holding a glass of alcohol and then yelled out "Bocchi-chan!" To me and stuff... I'm not used to this... it's been a couple of years at least...

And I'm sure she feels the same way..

She finally got her coffee and for...a weird reason she seemed to really enjoy it...did she get an appetite for bad tasting coffee? Or is it just me? Have I gotten too used to energy drinks???

She then looked at me and I looked away, I still couldn't bear myself being face to face with Onee-san after all these times.

"I've...really missed you...Bocchi-chan....Where have you been this whole time?"

Hearing that, I was slightly taken back by that and it shocked me, I looked up to her and she looked like she was about to hug me and stopped...well makes sense because of... everything that happened but still...

She...missed me?

A part of me would have thought she would at least hate me for what happened..and she would be right for that...but still...I don't get it.

Onee-san immediately noticed that I didn't give much of an answer to her and continued on with what she was gonna say.

"I've uhhh...spent a large amount of money trying to find you ..I hope you know I really missed you so much."

Huh she spent money to find me? She seemed embarrassed about that...but I don't really take her to be a liar...I just... can'tt believe it myself to be completely honest....with all I've done... I don't think anybody is gonna spend a dime to find me...and she's still calling me Bocchi-chan???

Yet again..she did seemed genuine so there is a part of me that believes her but...

"....I... I'm not surprised about your reaction. I get it... don't worry..."

She seemed a little disappointed and that's made me a little sad so out of that, I just responded in my usual Suzuki Hanako Cashier Voice. "I uh-buhm...uhm...I m-miss y-you too..."

I stumble upon my words, like an idiot as a part of me cracked, it's really swarmy of me heh...and for all these years it's been eating me out and especially when I'm doing this to her out of all people too, especially when I let my guard down and slashed out at Kita-san for this...I mean I do miss Onee-san but I can't help but feel ingenuine when I put that up but...

She seemed a little shocked by that, plenty of emotions showing on her face. Something so unlike of her. I don't know how to handle this and it seems like...she was fighting back her tears? And then she smiled?

"Oh.. I'm so glad you feel the same...you sound a little different..but that's fine! We've all changed...I even got a successful career ahead of me, which I'm sure you've seen on the news."

My eyes embarrassingly went over to the side, she seemed really happy to talk to me and it feels so weird talking to her....I didn't really know what to do or say...but then I remembered what Saihara-san said to me and how the Kessoku Band had treated them unfairly and such.

I still don't believe it myself but there's really nothing I could think of...I did come here intending to talk to her about it...but now... I'm not really the type of person to talk to her about it.

"...Is there something you can tell me?"

Oh, I really don't have the guts to say this outloud....I mean it's really pathetic, first time meeting with Onee-san and instead of asking more about her, I wanna ask about the Kessoku Band.

Dear lord...if it was the old me, I would have asked her this already...

"Oh... it's fine Bocchi-chan...I know what you're thinking about...but...I don't get into contact with them that much with them that much anymore."

H-huh???

I quickly looked up to Onee-san, interest peaked up, by them she meant Kessoku Band right??? Right??? Right???

But she doesn't get into much contact with them anymore? Huh?? What happened???

"They're way too famous, so they haven't been talking to me alot these days and besides... I'm not sure if... I'm...fond of them nowadays..."

H-huh???

"W-what...do you mean by that?"

Wait so...is everything that Saihara-san was saying about them true? It can't be...I don't wanna think about that so I'm not sure if I wanna talk to them about that.

"Let's just say... they're not the people you met a long time ago. Okay? You... don't have to worry about them anymore. I don't think they'd paid you much attention much like they don't even pay that much attention to me and Seika-sama."

...

No... that's...not true...what Saihara-san said...

Wait... it's because they're just too famous? That's gotta be it... they're just busy.. it's all they say..but Ijichi-san not even paying much attention to her older sister??? What's going on? It feels so wrong...the Ijichi-san I've met would never do this no matter how famous she is!

"Yeah...I know... it's been a rough time...but we shouldn't be talking about them anyways..."

Oh this is making my head spin. Thinking about it... I'm not sure if I feel comfortable talking to her more about what I've been doing but maybe if I feel comfortable... I'd be able to talk to her.

Argh, I need to get out of here. Clear my head, there's something wrong with this. What's going on with the people I've met all these years? It's like fame has corrupted them.

And Onee-san is just looking at me, a worried look on her face. Almost as if to express concern about me. She's really worried about me...all the money she's spent on finding me...and all that time she's spent on talking to me and I can't believe I haven't contributed much to the conversation. But it's not like I want to tell her more about me...in fact if she finds out about my current state...hell forbid anybody from my old life know my state...they would see just how much pathetic I've become and just how much I've changed for the worse.

"Hey Bocchi-chan...are you okay?-"

Her phone then rang and Onee-san slowly picked the phone from her pocket and answered to which she listened for a good second and then she turned off the call and looked at me.

"I...really would love to catch up with you...but...I..have an emergency...before I leave...can we be friends? I... know it sounds really pathetic but like... I've missed you so bad and I just wanna be able to talk with you again..."

...friends? I...well...a part of me is telling me to reject her and just leave her in the dust to go back to a 9 to 5 job since that's all I deserve...and another part of me is telling me to accept it and that I would maybe forgive myself a little bit.. it's all I want anyways? Why else would I make that phone call a while back?

But...I can't afford to be rude... she's been paying money to find me and she did spend all that time here...It would be fair to...at least be able to continue talking to her in the future... I'm just...really conflicted...but I have to answer...she is worried about me.

"I'm...n-not s-sure about that...but w-we can be able to talk to eachother m-more..."

"Okay...that makes sense..."

And she completely understands...we quickly exchanged information and she went over to leave as I finished drinking my coffee...and just as right when I finished...it started raining...really...really hard and I didn't even bring an umbrella...shucks.

After the heavy rain was over, I later went outside and saw that the music store near me has a big plastered photo which had all four members of the Kessoku Band were walking on a zebra crossover, a studio album...seems like they're releasing a new one.

To that, I immediately scoffed and went over back home...It wasn't just the Kessoku Band I saw but it was still something I couldn't help but pay extra attention towards to.

I went over home, ate some food and went over to my room, I pulled out my phone and it had some...unread notifications..some unplayed voicemails but it's not like I'll be checking them anyways.

I open up another energy drink and drank it all down my throat, another one and I drank it all down.

I sat at my bed, scrolling down as I rot alone in my bed..even after all that happened...even after that disastrous "performance" at the Stadium... it's still the same day. Nothing good ever happens.

I received a brand new notification and begrudgingly, I opened it and it turned out to be from Kaede-san...she said we should hang up and Saihara-san obviously, gave a thumbs up emote on that.

Well do I really have to go? Well...not like I have any other choice anyways. I also gave another thumbs up to it to which, I went back to scrolling on my phone and drinking another set of energy drink.

Another day, another work.

Chapter Text

A post on the internet circulated, you clicked on it and started reading it carefully. It wasn't too much until I got down to the relevant part.

"And then we finally have the woman, the legend herself. Ryo Yamada! Ever since the Kessoku Band, Ryo Yamada herself has exploded in popularity becoming one of the most popular musicians with her charming personality! Her latest performance with the Kessoku Band had hundreds and hundreds of fans in it as she looked so cool and charming with the poker face on her face with her playing the bass guitar to her very core. Having the biggest aura out of all the musicians in the world with hundreds of people cheering her on! It's so cool! Just the way Ryo greeted them with a hand-wave is already causing a strong reaction in the crowd with some of them crying and even fading and had to be taken to the hospital with the cameras showing them on stretchers!"

"When Kessoku Band became famous, many drawings were drawn of Ryo as well as books, documentaries and so much more! Ryo Yamada is very well beloved despite reviews from some clout-chasing critics on OhTube. Ryo Yamada is such an icon not just for Japan or the Kessoku Band but for the entire world!"

"Later on the night when Ryo came to Madison Square Garden, she started yapping about boring things like Zone(who?) and boring things like the history of J-Rock starting from the 90s(BORING!!!🙄) until a TRUE Ryomaniac came up and asked her about one of the songs she wrote and asked if she and Nijika were dating and she looked away covering her face as if she was blushing to the loud noises of "AWHHHHHH" and then she put a microphone to her mouth and said something so cool and so charming with that iconic stern look on her face and she said, tears in her eyes "My Relationship with Nijika is like Marriage" which got STRONG reactions from the crowd."

"Ryo Yamada is such an idol, my beloved <3 We all know that #Yamajika is canon."

I immediately shut down the laptop and turned it off as I just rested my head on the laptop, I'm just gonna be like this forever huh? This shit can't be that bad, can't it? I can't stay like this forever. I just can't deal with this shit anymore. 

"Yamada-san?" Somebody from afar asked as I lifted my head and turned towards her she gave me some strong liquor and some glass for me to drink. "Here you go, ma'am." I just looked at the bottle and the glass before looking at her and nodding as she went bowed down, went off and left. I quickly poured the liquor down into the glass, put it down and then drank some of it before stopping as I held this glass in my hand. 

Every second spent here felt like torture, I gritted my teeth as hard as I could. I could feel them shattering all at once and...at the same time, they didn't. They couldn't shatter afterall. No matter how hard you try. It was to do anything to cope with the on-going situation you have going on right now.

At times, you could see yourself, your physical body facing down the crowd from afar and sometimes you can't help but see nothing more but an empty husk, a woman who stands for nothing and who has sacrificed her morality and her values to get to where she is. There is no longer anything unique with you anymore, you've just become one of them. A generic celebrity. All the songs you've written are generic, there is no other meaning to them. You didn't mean any of them anyway. You're just a pretty face. A celebrity who is all smiles and does all the pandering in the world. 

it no longer felt like a fun thing to do, it no longer felt like a hobby. It felt like a job with all these expectations weighing on you, with your image being challenged every single day and how you have to prove it every single day. You don't even hang out with the other Kessoku Band members as much as you'd like, you'd only ever get to see them mostly for the job. It's all a performance to you. 

What was this all for? If you knew this was where the band was headed. You would have left a long time ago. Maybe she was right, you should've left when you had the chance and now you can't help but ponder why you're still here, why you're still writing all these bland generic songs and yet all these people, all these fans of yours. They all eat it up like a fast food chain. You don't see the same fans that were here when you used to write these great unique songs with layers of meanings on them anymore. It's all the same faces now. These fans don't even care about music you even make, they all care about the image you present, what they perceive you to be and what to make of your legacy. Whether or not you were in love with Nijika or any other band members. 

You're stuck, you feel that your hands are chained and that you can't run, you can't escape this miserable life you now live. You have become a character, a play-thing, a toy, an idol. A bland generic celebrity. What happened to the whole "Abandoning your uniqueness is equivalent to dying"?

"Yamada-san, it's time for you to go. Schedule has it, you need to perform at the stadium with Kessoku Band! Your fans are very eager for you ma'am."

You stand up, no visible emotions on your face. It's fine to do that right? It's that "iconic look" afterall, at least you don't have to pretend to smile against them anyways. That's one of the very few positives you have at the very least. 

If your younger self saw you right now and knew what you had become, she'd be disappointed in you and she would be right to be so. 

Chapter Text

I sat down privately in my chair, clenching my fists together as the dark shadows surrounded the room with the small lamp on the table being my only source of light, the gloomy aura surrounds the atmosphere as if it's taking over the room with the lamp being the only one to fend off such aura. The stress and the pressure is taking over me.

I shook my hands together, rubbing my head onto my arms as I laid my head to rest down on the table, for the past few days I never got any sort of rest anyway and this might be just the only time I could get one and yet I can't find myself being able to rest no matter what. I haven't even slept in days to make it worse, all those events that I've been involved with are all driving me nuts. It's crazy.

I quickly got bored and while resting my head on one arm, I moved around my other arm and grabbed a pen and an empty notebook I finally got up and was just about to write when I got a call I sighed deeply and grabbed the phone from my pocket and answered it.

"..."

"Yes. I know, I understand."

"..."

"You don't have to do that, I can easily do it myself. There's no need for you to worry about anything...."

"..."

"Understood."

"..."

"Yes, I understand."

After the phone call ended, I put my pen inside my notebook and then my notebook on the table and then rested my head on the table wanting to rest as long as possible but knowing what was said in that call, I couldn't help but feel a little worried.

It's not a fair world, in a fairer world. You'd be writing all those meaningful songs and creating all those songs with Nijika and the rest of the band where you'd be able to freely express yourself, where you'd be holding your instruments and playing these great unique songs out for the world to listen and yet here you are writing all those boring, generic songs. Something the Hamukitasu fans will never make me forget especially after their band exploded in popularity and my history with them has become much of a hot topic. However, it's been almost two months and you can't find yourself writing a song.

Maybe it's the lack of motivation? Maybe it's the burnout? Maybe you can't find anything to write about? Maybe you're just scared you might mess something up. Or maybe you just can't handle writing those songs anymore? It's looking pretty bleak with all those deadlines and all those pressures on me and all those events. It seems I just wanna tear myself apart.

But every second matters and I just can't find myself being able to write at all and I just really don't wanna do this anymore, I just don't and I can't do this anymore. I don't want to anymore. It's like I'm still beholden to the chains and I can't break out no matter what I want. I just don't want to anymore.

But I have to.

I than drank a bottle of alcohol and poured it all into one glass and then immediately began drinking it slowly bit by bit up until it was all gone and then I did it again and again.

I finally picked up the notebook and immediately began writing anything I could on it, it felt like my brain was going through a mental fog as if I was constantly walking into a brick and as if I was walking in a tree. The harder I push through, the more the fog enters more and more into my brain.

The more I write, the more incoherent and sleepy my writing feels like with my hands being shaky and despite my creativity being a little up and despite that I've been switching between Euphoria and Despair, I can't handle but feel this makes everything just worse for me. The more I can't understand and when I try to fix it. I ended up just making it worse and then I fell out of my chair and tried to get back up only to fall onto my bed and try to get back before I quickly fell asleep falling into a deep, deep slumber.

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"Ryo-san, wake up."

I opened my eyes confused to a gothic maid feeling like an absolute trainwreck, I felt extremely uncomfortable and shaken up and every sound and light felt like a complete sledgehammer and my mind still being extremely foggy. It makes me wanna go back to sleep. I was having such a good sleep too, why did I have to be awakened now? My head hurts and I just feel tired, it's all nauseous in me.

"I cooked you some Scrambled Eggs with some filipino-styled fried rice, sliced hotdogs, carrots, corn, cabbage and rice too, it's all on the tray to the dinner table. I've checked and you have nothing on the schedule for the past few days now."

My head still reeling from just how much it hurts, it's throbbing from all the dehydration and still jarring as ever as I look towards the maid extremely confused as I still can't find myself getting up until it just sank in. "Nothing? Really?" The maid nodded as she bowed down and went away and yet I can't help but feel just a pang of guilt for being such a mess. I've just woken up and I'm already gritting my teeth, still hurting with my head pounding and all. "Should I clean up the mess?"

I shook my head. "No, I prefer living in a mess." As the maid just nodded and went away as I looked at my notebook and found it completely incoherent, unreadable and much of it doesn't even sound like me or what I would even write although there were some… raw lines…some embarrassing lines for the cherry on the top.

I slowly tore down the page out of the notebook, still feeling pain from all of that but surely I got up and went to the dinner table and ate as much as I could. My shoulders eased and never have I felt a little better, just a little better. A small galvanizing salvation in the midst of all that.

After I was done eating. I sat down on my chair and made sure to rest myself as I sat down on the chair. Thinking back on it, the whole page I wrote was a mess. Complete chaos even, I don't know what I did, what I even accomplished and yet a part of me tells me that there is something in those scribbled mess. Something that means something and something that matters unlike what I've been writing before. These lines are a little raw just even for me.

But this is an uncomfortable, uneasy feeling that I can't find myself accepting and it scares me in a much different way. I looked at the old portrait of me and my band members for a split second before shying away from it. I don't wanna see the faces they make. Not anymore.

The phone rang and I picked it up and I answered it. It was yet one of those boring calls where I just listened to them and nodded alongside before stopping until they finally hung up after such a long, boring conversation, In which afterwards I made sure to take a quick shower and try to clear my brain as much as possible.

I got to lay on the bed and scrolled through my social media apps as slowly I zoned out each and every second until something caught my attention. Maybe I just need quiet, maybe I just need peace…it's all a little foggy right now which is something I need to really worry about.

I pull out my notebook ready to write something, something to give to those higher up something nice. For them to ease their shoulders and for some yet again quick bucks.

But I can't find myself writing anything, It feels like I can't write anything. Despite just how flawed, just how generic and just how messy my writings have been. They keep hailing it as peak, it alaays keeps selling as number one and played everywhere with record-breaking songs all the time and yet I can't write. It feels like a complete invisible wall between me and the page.

I don't wanna end up stepping on the wrong toes or upsetting them like the last time it happened or I'll sit down to write but I can't get any good ideas or anything like that. At times I'll feel overwhelmed. It feels like I could write a song about anything and that I have multiple options but I can't pick any of them. I start writing one idea and then switch to another one. The hangover I have isn't even helping me. I'm full of ideas and yet I can't let it all out. I can't even authentically express myself, it feels like I'm trapped more inside the jail.

What if they end up finding out that my songs aren't as good as they claim it to be? What if they finally end up finding out that it's all been terrible, generic and boring songs? I've already tailored my songs down to their very own interests just for exactly what I want as long, so these greedy assholes probably won't mind unless the profits sink.

But that will just be very worrying for us and it's something I don't want happening. I have to think of something, the urgency is there but I can't write.

I just have to do it, it's like a chore. I'm sure they won't mind something generic like a love song or something like that. I don't know. I just don't know how to figure out my situation.

I'm still hangover over this. It's not even a good idea to write anyways. I need to deal with this first, my first instinct was to drink alcohol but knowing what happened to her. I decided to instead just go and drink water and apple juice. It's all the company that I have and I deeply appreciate that.

After I was done drinking, I felt a hand on my shoulder by the same maid and felt tense as I looked at her as she handed me a napkin to which I took and cleaned it off before sitting down on the chair and taking a just tiny bit of rest.

"Ryo-san, is there anything I can ask of you?" The maid questioned in curiousity. "I don't know. Can you get me some weed first?" The maid nodded and as quickly as I can, I shook my head. "No— actually no. You don't have to…what questions do you have?"

"I was just wondering why you don't want me to clean your room today?"

I scratched my head as I responded as honestly as possible

"Eh? It’s not that I don’t want you to... I just don’t see the point. It’s fine. I know where everything is... kinda."

The maid raised her eyebrows at me before picking one of the nearby trash laying around and dropping them in the bin. "If you say so." I shrugged as I continued to take as much rest as possible, I'm pretty much completely running based off fumes here.

"Nijika-san will be doing some late night show here, Kita-san is gonna visit a nearby hospital in Delaware City and Amano-san is gonna do some charity event in collaboration with the Make-A-Wish Foundation with John Cena and the World Wrestling Entertainment in case you didn't know. This is a rare occasion where you aren't doing something."

As per usual, I rest my head on the side of my chair as I just need some time to sort everything out, I'm losing some grounds here and such. I almost feel like vomitting and yet I'm just so tired and I'm just dazed. I don't wanna hear anything right now, in fact I wanna go to sleep.

"I'll just...leave you be."

The Maid left and there's nothing else to wander but in my mind, now that I have nothing to work on.

All this efforts, all this work I've done…what exactly was it all for? I've been doing this every single day. I've always been occupied with alot of things. Couple of things to the point I've begun to not pay attention to my relationship, to what I wanted or whatever I wanted back then.

I have all the girls, all the money, everything in the world.

But what exactly is it that I want? What did I wanted? Why was I even in the band in the first place?

Chapter Text

I got a call. Apparently I had to meet up with my “Artist Manager” Sagawa. After years or so, we were assigned artist managers to help us “grow and develop” and yet…this Sagawa guy has been an asshole. 

I've had to admit, I've never taken a liking to Sagawa. To his vibe he always had a non chalant attitude to him yet in a way that feels like an asshole. Rarely losing his temper or raising his voice whatever situation he finds himself in…you may think he’s aloof and even maybe nice but don't trust him…he's an asshole for one. But as unfortunate as it sounds, I needed to go meet up with him.

I made sure to dress nicely, black tuxedo over a white wingtip collar pleated tuxedo dress shirt, black winged tip dress shoes and with a black satin bow tie and cummerbund, with a ponytail on my head. Noticing now…my hair has grown really..really long hasn't it? Compared to…my younger self at least.

I go up to his office and he’s over there with a cigarette in his hand, wearing a brown suit, brown tie, brown pants with his hair greying out. “Here’s my favorite bassist. Yamada-san. All the cheers to you on your latest performance. You really outdid yourself. I really loved it when you smiled and gave such a silly face on stage huh? And I bet those fans loved it too.”

He clapped but in a way that looked…incredibly mocking as if to make fun of me…to make fun of my situation as if to make fun of everything I did as I just..simply looked at him and just closed the door. “You know…Shiba-san has been mostly busy these days…with the music label and every band wanting in…that's why I'm here to manage you instead and make sure you succeed. You know that right?”

“Yeah…yeah whatever…” I couldn't help but stay annoyed. I went over to sit down in the chair opposite of him…I've..noticed the chair was a little smaller and less comfortable than his as if he was exerting his dominance over me.

 “You know…it's not really my fault that you sold your soul alright? You did that to yourself. Your band members did that to themselves, look where it got you and your friends to…I'm just doing my job, I'm sure we can understand that, Yamada-san?” Sagawa seems to have noticed the tone I was using to talk to him and he certainly has not taken a liking to it. 

“Sorry sir.” I bowed my head before him as Sagawa just nodded as if he felt satisfied, a huge smile on his face. 

“Yamada-san, you mind doing the honor?” Sagawa said as he threw a lighter to me to which I quickly catched on and he put a cigarette in his mouth as if to dare me to even smoke it up for him and I myself feel personally very degraded. I lit up the cigarette as he enjoyed it with me sitting down in my chair, no cigarettes, no alcohol. Nothing for me. 

“Life’s been great for you isn't it? You’ve reached the fame status that a lot of artists these days would kill for. I'd admit. The Music Industry isn't all great as it seems to be but…you’ve certainly reached the top haven't you?” Sagawa said, a smile on his face mimicking as if he’s proud of our success. “Tell me what I'm here for.” I replied. I don't wanna spend another second with this asshole any longer.

“Can't have a normal chat these days?” Sagawa seemed bothered as if the dirtbag wanted to be friends with me “just tell me what I'm really here for.”

“Right….We need you to go to this one merchandise studio, we landed a bit of a lucrative deal for them. Lucrative for you and the band of course. Just do a couple of poses and they’ll sell the merchandise you've taken.” Sagawa explained as he then smoked the cigarette afterwards.

“Why don't I just…go there with the band like usual?” I asked since usually I just go with the band and all is fine and dandy.

“They already did it. In fact you were supposed to be part of it but you missed out because you passed out being drunk. Made it on the news you know? Kids think it's hard, you know. Rock n Roll really attracts troubled kids like that.” Sagawa responded….oh right I forgot about that part. 

"Anyways... there's also another important thing." Sagawa mentioned as he brought a phone. "It's about her...you know who I'm talking about." Sagawa said as he showed me the picture of her recently. "We caught sight of her. Apparently according to someone, she's been calling one of a friend of yours..."

"Who?" I asked quickly before Sagawa responded quickly. "That's the thing...we don't know who. Just something like that. But I'm making sure...you surely aren't trying to hang out with her? You know...the headlines depicted it as a bad blood falling thing. If you're ever seen with her. That will become the main news and as much as we love the press, this is one of the rare instances we don't want that. Do we? Am I understood?"

I just nodded...

“You're free to leave.” Sagawa said before I went out to leave as soon as possible as I looked at my schedule and did whatever was assigned to me, an interview. A photo shoot, whatever. 

I've always seemed like the coolest guy in the band. The toughest person in the band. The cool mysterious perfectionist who is maybe in love with someone in the band…At least that's what the PR talks about. But I've always been a loser. I've never really wanted to do any of this…I just wanted to play music with my bandmates and maybe just mooch off my bandmates. Even in our early days, even when we still had her. Everybody was always looking to improve themselves. Not just on music but their self worth, how much value they saw in the band.

But me? Nah. I've never really had that. The truth is that I never really wanted to grow as a person at least back then…which is why I didn't really protest much back then. I…I don't even hang out with the band outside of whatever is scheduled for us. What exactly am I supposed to do?

I…I don't know who I am anymore…People always expected me to be more than what I am…what I really am. But If I truly was. I'd have left the band a long time ago but…I'm not all of that. If they truly figured everything out. I'd be nothing more than a disappointment and honestly..that would suck. I'll be the first to admit that I wanna keep this persona up for as long as possible. I wanna drag this for so long. No matter what. Even if it harms me, I don't want anybody to ever find out.