Work Text:
"Don't you find it like quite nice to be hungry sometimes?"
"Excuse me, but what's nice of being hungry?"
"it's motivating. yeah, you might be dizzy for a while and feel a bit nauseous, but it will pass, and when it subsides, it becomes like....its as if it all goes quiet in your head. a calmness all through your body."
"That sounds like an eating disorder."
Earlier, I was watching Young Royals with Nick. i showed him Young Royals two weeks ago, and now that the last episode ever was released, we decided to have another movie night around his. But now, when we're supposed to sleep, I'm sitting on the bathroom floor of Nelson's house because I can't stop thinking about that scene. That sounds like an eating disorder, yells my head once again. No. I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder, could I? On the other hand, it would make sense. It would make sense why I didn't eat a lot, wouldn't it? No, I don't have an eating disorder. That's just my head. Doesn't everyone make rules when it's about eating? I take my phone out of my pocket and slowly type, signs eating disorder in the search bar.
And well shit. There're a lot of things I do, too. But no, I don't have an eating disorder. I'm just making that one up. An eating disorder? No, definitely not. I mean, I'm just not hungry sometimes, y'know? Isn't that normal? I'm just getting ahead of myself. I know I have some issues when it comes to mental health, but not like that. I feel a little tightness in my chest. No, please not. Let me just go back to Nick's room. Okay, let's take a test. A test about eating disorders, I guess. I've did mental health tests before, but eating disorder? I just thought that everyone had these struggles with food.
'How much more or less do you feel you worry about your weight and body shape than other people your age?'
I tap on the answer that I do that a lot. I just remember the time, the othe boys talked in the changing room. They were comparing weight and body shapes. I shouldn't have listened. I really shouldn't.
How afraid are you of gaining 3 pounds?
Terrified. Gaining weight is so scary. Like, terrifying scary. The last time I gained three pounds I made myself throw up. It might or might not was last week on Wednesday.
In the past 3 months, how many times have you had a sense of loss of control AND you also ate what most people would regard as an unusually large amount of food at one time, defined as definitely more than most people would eat under similar circumstances?
Never. I only ate too little. Mum even picked up on it sometimes but I reassured her, I just ate a lot in lunch break.
In the past 3 months, how many times have you had a sense of loss of control AND you also ate what most people would regard as an unusually large amount of food at one time, defined as definitely more than most people would eat under similar circumstances?
No. Never. Doesn't everyone control their food? I mean I always do. That's probably just to check if I'm bulimic or anything. Which I'm probably not.
Compared to other things in your life, how important is your weight to you?
Very. Like I've said before, I'm terrified of gaining weight. So, what do you think how important it is? Bro.
Do you ever feel fat?
All the time. I mean, I know I'm not but my mind still does. I know but I don't really know, you know? Does that make sense?
When was the last time you went on a diet?
I'm on a diet right now. Because I feel too fat. It all feels too much.
In the past 3 months, how many times have you done any of the following as a means to control your weight and shape:
Okay?? I guess I don't have a choice. Let's see....
Used diuretics or laxatives?
Never? Who the hell does that?? Well, I guess some people do.
Exercised excessively?
Can you count in the drumming sessions with 180 bpm in the middle of the night? So I wouldn't gain weight.
Made yourself throw-up?
A lot. Almost every second day. I just feel better if I don't, you know?
Fasted?
On sweet food. Hell yeah. There's just so much carbohydrates and sugars in it. It would make me fat.
Do you consume a small amount of food (i.e., less than 1200 calories/day) on a regular basis to influence your shape or weight?
Of course I do. Anything else would be too much. I'd gain weight.
Do you struggle with a lack of interest in eating or food?
I skip eating every moment I can.
Do you avoid certain or many foods because of such features as texture, consistency, temperature, or smell, or have other people suggested this may be the case for you?
That lasagna on that weekend in that youth hostel. It just looked so disgusting. and the texture was weird as well. I skipped a lot of meals there. It was the texture mostly. But the consistency, as well.
Do you avoid certain or many foods because of fear of experiencing negative consequences like choking or vomiting, or have other people suggested this may be the case for you?
Doesn't everyone? I mean, I do. A lot. But, this is mostly the reason why I don't like eating in general.
Have you experienced significant weight loss (or are at a low weight for your age and height) but are not overly concerned with the size or shape of your body?
I am, at a low weight. I suppose it's coming from last year with all the shit that happened at school.
Are you currently in treatment for an eating disorder?
No. That's why I'm taking the quiz. Though I have no idea at all, what I'm going to do if it says I do. It won't, but just if.
After the questions before, I have to fill out some personal information, like my age and all that. Then I click on 'continue to see results' and a new page loads.
You are very likely to have an eating disorder
Reach out for help NOW. Your symptoms are very severe. Better check on it with a therapistor make an appointment with one of ours here. Get yourself the help you need and deserve. We know it can be hard (especially as a student) but you're not alone! Talk to someone about this. The 24-hour hotline (for everything) is: 116 123 (uk) We care about you. Please get yourself any sort of help
Holy shit. I expected it a little by now, but not like that. Not this severe. It was just skipping some meals and avoiding certain foods. Not eating disorder.
Fuck. Not here, please. That'd be so embarrassing. Not enough that the rugby kind himself makes friends with me, no. He also has to bear with a gay loser who has a panic attack (and maybe an eating disorder). Breathe in....breathe out. Breathe in....breathe out. Okay, Charlie, 5 things you can see. My phone. Nick's bedside table, my mat- shit, Nick's coming back.
"Charlie? Are you okay?"