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Like a criminal going back to the scene of the crime, Sol goes back to the amusement park.
Around her people are either in pairs or sets of families, all bundled with scarves and love, unbothered by the cold. Off season like this, the park is relatively less crowded than the last spring she went here.
That was fifteen years ago now, well at least for everyone else. For her it’s been only several months.
She takes in the various rides and attractions, keeping stock of what had changed. Ferris wheel, carousel and viking, still there. The same corndog stand. The same heart decoration by the red bench. The same moon.
Not much has changed, she realizes. She’s not sure if she likes that.
Actually going to one of the rides seems too pathetic, going here alone by itself already is, so she settles on a seat by the fountain. The bench is vacant, but she finds that she can’t bear the thought of sitting there alone.
I can’t even miss him properly, Sol thinks. There’s not a single object she can hang on to that can remind her of their time together. Not even a picture. No one to confide in. No traces at all.
All she has, at the end of the day, is herself and her memories and this place to return to.
She remembers the photos they took that day, the confident and excited way Sunjae asked some stranger to take it for them, the arm around her shoulders, his warm laugh, and his smile as he looked over the photos.
We should have this printed, he said.
They never got around to it, in the end. And even if they did, it would be gone, just like the rest of their memories.
Just the way it should be, she convinces herself.
Sunjae existing safely in the world is enough. Her family together is enough. Her working legs are enough. Her stable career is enough.
If having all of that means she has to live in this constant state of longing, she can take it. It’s a small price to pay for Sunjae’s life.
This thought has been what’s pushing her through the daily motions of life. Ever since she came back, she has constantly reminded herself that what she did was right. It must be, because just thinking about the alternative feels like a fist is clutching at her heart, squeezing until she feels no air.
She’s doing pretty good, she swears. Until fate laughed at her in the face. Meeting Sunjae felt like coming back home.
Except that the paint is different. The furniture is rearranged. Some rooms are missing. The door is locked, and she was the one who threw away the key. She doesn't have proof that she once lived there.
She can act in front of him all day, but at nights, when the lights are out and she’s all alone in her room, she can’t help but miss him. She feels it so intensely within her being she has to physically press a hand to her chest in hopes of carving it away.
The first drops of snow shakes Sol out of her reverie, and she startles to see that nightfall has come and it’s already dark out. She proceeds towards the exit, but one ride catches her eye.
No more coming back, after this.
She already typed in her (proper) resignation, and plans to apply at another company in Jeju by the end of the month. Her family will probably be shocked and reluctant when they find out, Hyunju furious, and Taesung... maybe this time he'll actuallly shut that door once and for all. She suspects he likes her, but Sol is just not in any capacity to ever love again. She had it, and lost, and that was that.
She probably won’t come back here again. One last ride, she tells herself. One last ride can’t hurt.
It isn’t even five seconds when she settles in inside the car when someone comes running inside.
Fate must be really mocking her.
Speechless, she just looks at him.
Sunjae goes on a tirade about, funnily, fate. Sol thinks she has never hated a word so much.
What had fate done other than give her someone so beautiful and precious just so it can cruelly snatch him away from her grasping hand?
What had it done when Sunjae was dying, four times now, all because of her?
And then he asks about the movie. Their story.
“It ends, just like that? The man survives without his memories?”
“Yes, but he lives.” You live, Sol says in her head.
“Well, that’s a sad ending.” Sunjae frowns, seemingly troubled.
Sol feels hot indignance bubbling to her throat. She suddenly feels the need to be on defense. “It’s not. It’s a happy ending for both of them. She saved him, and he lived. The end.”
“She saved him, but she lost love. How can she ever be happy when she lost her love?” Sunjae replies, and when he looks at her, Sol feels seen, in the best and worst possible way.
“What would you have her done instead? Let him die? Do you think she can live with herself after that?” If Sunjae notices the tremble in her voice, and the reddening of around her eyes, he doesn’t mention it.
“I’m not saying what she did was wrong,” he replies, softly. “But surviving isn’t the same as living, Im Sol. And your story definitely doesn’t end happily. You as the writer have to acknowledge that.”
Sol clutches at her wrist tightly, willing to keep her tears at bay. She reminds herself that this Sunjae won’t even be here to say these words had she not erased herself from his life, so what does he know?
What would he know, if he's buried six feet under? What does he know about what she feels, when he doesn't even know her?
How did he know?
“This just proves you aren’t fit to be the male lead,” Sol forces out. “You don’t understand my story.”
“I think I do.” He reaches inside his coat and hands her a handkerchief. “Why would you be crying right now, if I don’t?”
Sol doesn’t accept his offering. He retracts his hand. She quickly swipes away at her cheeks, but once she started, the tears can’t seem to stop.
“This is not..." She tries to explain, but a sob gets caught at her throat. She looks down, because looking at him and being so near him is just too much.
All of their memories flood her mind, and she has to put a hand on her mouth to stifle her cries. She just misses him so much.
Sunjae’s hand keep twitching, as if wanting to reach out and help her, how, he doesn’t know. He just knows that the sight of her crying doesn’t sit well with him. A phantom ache blossoms at his chest.
Sol just keeps on crying silently, if not for the few whimpers she cant help let out. Sunjae feels the slightest guilt, maybe barging in like he did was a step too far.
Not able to take it anymore, he stands up and gets closer. He kneels at her level and places the handkerchief in her palms. He opens his mouth to apologize when she beats him to it.
He isn’t prepared for the absolute pain in her eyes when she looks at him, and with so much emotion she says,
“I’m sorry, Sunjae. I’m sorry.”
She’s holding on to his hand so tightly he feels the circulation getting cut. He doesn’t mind.
She brings one of his hands to her forehead, as if asking for forgiveness. Only then he registers the abnormal heat of her skin. Moments later she goes lax and collapses into him.
He wraps his arms around her.
Nothing ever felt like home.