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“Wait, so you’re not a couple?”
“No…. Why would you think we’re a couple?” Bucky asked, raising his head up slightly from where it rested on Steve’s lap. Five incredulous faces—Tony, Natasha, Clint, Bruce, and Thor—were staring at them.
“Most people don’t…” Bruce began, trailing off when words failed him and making a vague gesture in their direction.
“I think what Dr. Jekyll’s trying to say,” Tony jumped in, “is that most people don’t cuddle into each other’s laps and play with each other’s hair unless they’re, you know, having sex on a regular basis.”
Steve immediately stopped touching Bucky’s hair, which he may or may not have found mildly disappointing.
“This isn’t anything new,” said Steve defensively. “We’ve always been—”
“Really touchy-feely, yeah—we know,” Tony said irritatedly. “After Barnes pulled out of that little Borne Identity crisis—Barnes Identity? Anyone? No? Whatever—we all just assumed you were going through some kind of ridiculous honeymoon phase. It’s disgusting, just so you’re aware.”
It was true that he and Steve didn’t have the same kinds of physical boundaries that other people did. They’d always been close, and while Bucky was recovering from all the Winter Soldier brainwashing, his therapist had found that physical contact with Steve was the only thing that could calm him down sometimes. Plus, Steve was a fucking radiator. Apparently they’d left out the “eternal heat source” coding from whatever serum they’d shot Bucky up with back at that Hydra lab, so while Bucky would often get cold for no perceivable reason whatsoever, Steve was always a motherfucking furnace fueled by grass-fed beef and freedom. No one could blame Bucky for using Steve as an electric blanket sometimes.
“So you’ve all been thinking that we were dating this whole time?” Steve asked.
“Yes,” said Thor. “The bond you share seems deeper than one merely of brotherhood.”
“Well, sorry to disappoint you all,” Bucky said, settling back onto Steve’s lap, “but Steve and I are definitely not a couple.”
“Wait, not even, you know…. Full-time friends with occasional… benefits?”
“No,” said Steve firmly.
“Shit,” Clint said. “Well, then, if you guys see a package in the mail from Nat and me, do not open it, okay? Throw it away. Send it back. Actually, send it to Tony.”
“Hey—” said Tony indignantly.
“We thought it would make a good housewarming gift for your new apartment,” Natasha supplied, unperturbed by Tony’s protests. “Obviously we thought wrong.”
“Thanks for the warning,” Bucky said. “We’ll be sure to send anything suspicious to Stark.”
“Can you not hear me? Do not send anything to Stark,” Tony said. “I don’t want any of Natasha’s weird kinky sex toys.”
Natasha smirked. “Oh, I didn’t buy them….”
Clint’s face remained carefully blank.
Later, after they’d gone home, Bucky propped himself up on the kitchen counter and grinned at Steve.
“So, he said, “how long do you think we can keep this going?”
“A week, maybe. Natasha won’t buy it for long,” Steve replied.
Bucky leaned in closer. “How do you know she’ll spoil the fun? She might go along with it.”
“She might,” Steve conceded, weaving his fingers into Bucky’s hair, “but she’ll probably want to tell Clint.”
“But she won’t tell Tony,” Bucky smirked.
“Yeah,” Steve agreed. “That’s true.”
“I can’t wait to see Stark’s face when he finds out how bad we fooled him.”
Steve laughed and smiled. Then he tilted Bucky’s face up to meet his own, and they kissed.
Because Stark was right about one thing: people didn’t usually touch the way they did unless they were having a lot of sex.
“We’re not sending Clint and Nat’s gift to Tony, are we?” Steve asked breathlessly a few minutes later.
Bucky shook his head. “Hell no.”
And then Steve pulled him in even closer. “Good.”