Work Text:
Xiao had lived through a wide variety of experiences, yet this one seemed to be distinctively new. With Lumine, most experiences were new. She liked taking him along on her various adventures, however, this was different. This was almost intimate. He didn't really know what to do.
His back and chest contained most of the remaining traces of his time with his old master, the cursed god who enjoyed inflicting pain on him. The rest of his body had mostly healed, and that was by design. Let the parts of him not primarily covered by clothing look perfect and pristine- that was his master's thought process. Make him seem as if all this slaughter is easy for him, as if he is completely unbothered by all of the violence, that he were a good little weapon.
Yaksha weren't supposed to scar. Their bodies were meant for combat, and so their healing processes were far beyond those of almost any other. However, no other yaksha had fought as he had. None of them had been forced to fight gods. None of them had been worked to the bone, then beaten and tortured for hours afterwards for no good reason. After suffering so much damage, at one point, he couldn't repair every single mark on him.
It had been a long time, probably centuries, since he'd let himself be this vulnerable with another person. He had no weapon and was in no condition to fight effectively without one. On top of that, he was letting someone see some of the worst and ugliest parts of himself.
Her fingers ghosted over a spot between his shoulder blades, sending an involuntary shiver down his spine. For a moment, a spike of panic built in his chest, but he'd managed to shove it down.
"Can I ask.. what was this from?" Lumine said quietly.
Xiao hesitated. The memory burned in his mind. He remembered the day when he'd gotten those marks, for they were some of the ones he couldn't get rid of. He normally wouldn't ever tell anyone about it, as it would demonstrate just how pathetically weak he truly was, but the words started before he could stop them.
"I used to have wings," he said.
She froze for a moment, but just a moment, before she began tracing her fingers on his back. It was as if she now had an interest in his scars, rather than pretending they weren't there. It didn't hurt, but he wouldn't mind if it did. He’d been the one to lose them. Who was he to stop her from touching the remnants if he hadn't been able to stop the loss in the first place?
Xiao wondered if she, too, had scars from her wings. She’d mentioned once or twice that she herself used to have wings. If she also had marks from their removal, assuming they had even been removed, would the scar be in the same place? In between her shoulder blades? Or maybe near her lower back? He banished that thought from his mind, deciding that it was far too inappropriate.
"And.. what happened to them?" She questioned, her voice no more than a whisper.
Again, his lips betrayed him. A response came out before he could stop it. Perhaps another effect of her overpowering aura, "I had to trade them away for more power, and they were taken."
"They were taken?" Lumine asked in surprise, "Can wings even be taken?"
Xiao nodded.
He remembered that day. That was a particularly bad day. It was the day he'd truly lost all control, when he'd realized that there was no hope for him. He’d come back in awful shape from a nearly week-long killing spree. He was so dazed and exhausted, yet unable to stop, as he was ordered to keep going. His body betrayed his mind, which was a type of torture he didn't even know existed.
When he was finally recalled to his master, he nearly collapsed. However, he'd managed to stay standing, as he knew the punishment for collapsing was worse.
His master was aware of his illuminated beast form. It was a bird. Xiao was never permitted to use it because, despite it being him at his most powerful, it was also him at his most docile. As a weapon, he was never supposed to be harmless. In his haze of exhaustion and pain, he couldn't resist the commands given to him. He didn't exactly remember how it happened, but the next time he was clear enough to think consciously, he no longer had an illuminated beast form.
Yes, he felt stronger. He could move faster and more deliberately for longer now, but he'd lost the only part of him that was good. Now his entire being was corrupt, and there was no saving someone like him. On his final day, when he would finally be met with judgement, there would be no good to turn to. Nothing worth saving.
"They disappeared when I traded away my illuminated beast form, but I remember they were there for a while, maybe the first century or so?" Xiao explained, "Then, one day when I was clear-headed enough to examine myself, they were gone."
He tried to sound nonchalant, so as to not cause her any distress on his behalf, but it didn't work.
"And you can't get them back?" Lumine questioned, sadness dripping into her voice.
"No, I cannot. It’s already done." Xiao answered.
Lumine exhaled shakily, "But if you traded them for power, why are there marks here?"
"For a short while after I’d done it, my wings were the only remaining thing I could summon besides the power held in my illuminated beast form." Xiao said, forcing himself to sound indifferent, "My master used to like... removing them again and again. That was until I couldn't summon them anymore."
Lumine stilled. He heard as she tried to swallow back tears. Her breathing was uneven. Perhaps this topic had hit her too close to home?
"Why..." she paused, "Why would he do that?"
Xiao winced. For a brief second, he could hear the faint echo of his master's voice in his head.
"'Why would you need these? You won't be flying away from me. Never.' he'd tell me." Xiao said, "And one day, they never grew back."
Xiao felt she had finished her goal of "treating" the wound on his back, so he turned to face her. She looked away. Xiao felt his stomach twist.
His eyes widened. "Was this topic too familiar for you? I’m sorry if I-"
Lumine snapped to attention, slightly startling him, "-No! You didn't do anything wrong."
"You are on the verge of tears." Xiao pointed out.
For a moment, it was silent. He didn't know what to do. Lumine stood still, as if she too were conflicted on what to do next. He had to worry about what was his next move, she shouldn't. Whatever she decided to do was normally right.
"It’s all so awful," she said at last, letting her arms fall to the side, "All of that. But you talk about it so casually, like it's just normal and how things are."
Xiao nodded, "That is how things are. Perhaps it is awful, but it is normal for me."
She blinked a few times, and then Lumine began to cry. Xiao could tell it was involuntary. An icy chill ran down his spine. She looked away, furiously wiping her eyes with her hands. He dared to move, as he couldn't bear to see her cry.
"There’s no need for you to pity me, Traveler." Xiao told her, pulling her hands away from her face, "Do not waste your tears."
She stared at him quietly, letting tears roll down her cheeks. Xiao felt a different kind of helplessness. Was he supposed to apologize? He was good at that. Or was he supposed to try to convince her that nothing was wrong at all? He was beginning to curse himself for saying anything in the first place when she spoke again.
"Did you ever cry?" she wondered.
Being perfectly honest, he didn't remember. Xiao couldn't confidently say whether or not he had cried. He was willing to guess no, but wouldn't be surprised if he had. Though it probably had been a more physical response than emotional. He did feel anguish and despair at his actions, even while he’d been doing them, but most of his life back then had been spent in a numb, dizzy state.
"I don't know," he admitted, "I didn't have much time to think."
She nodded slowly. He let her hands slip out of his, allowing her to wipe away her remaining tears.
Xiao tried his best to keep his face level, despite the ever-twisting knot of panic and guilt in his stomach. Perhaps he should see this as a learning experience? He shouldn't say anything next time- assuming he hadn't upset her so much that there wasn't a next time. He also wouldn't allow himself to be caught while injured. That would prevent any new discoveries about his past.
"I’m sorry." Lumine sniffed, "I’m sorry that you went through all that. I know how that feels, that kind of loss. You didn't deserve that."
His breath caught in his throat. Saying he didn't deserve the torment he'd endured was a wild assumption. She didn't know what he deserved. He didn't even deserve to be alive. Anything else, even slightly pleasurable, was an unnecessary bonus.
Xiao knew what he was, and it was hard to believe she did not. He didn’t deserve her kindness, nor her tears. He was a killer, an evil monster, just barely above the demons that were his duty to slay.
"A bold claim, Traveler." Xiao sighed, "You do not know what I have done, the amount of blood on my hands."
Something flashed in her eyes, and her expression shifted, but it disappeared so fast that he missed it.
"It isn't your fault," she frowned, "You didn't have a choice."
Xiao shook his head, "I did. I could've fought harder to resist, but I didn't because I wanted my own pain to stop."
"That isn't right!" Lumine insisted, "You didn't want to hurt anyone."
"Didn’t I? It helped me."
Her eyes widened, and he quickly figured out what he'd missed earlier. She was angry.
Though he'd expected it. It was only a matter of time before she grew tired of him. He considered himself fortunate for not angering her sooner. Still, he felt his blood run cold at the thought. Xiao decided the easiest and best thing for him to do was to apologize. He was used to apologizing. He was good at apologizing.
"I’m sorry." Xiao said quietly. The words felt heavier on his tongue than usual, "I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't." She blinked away the tears forming in her eyes, though he didn't know if they were of frustration or sadness.
He looked at her in confusion. Who else would've made her angry, if not him? Xiao tried to look for an answer in her expression, but he found none.
Lumine took a long, deep breath. The hard lines of her expression softened back into that of concern.
"Sorry." She said slowly, "You didn't do anything wrong, Xiao."
"Traveler-"
"-No, listen. You didn't do anything wrong. Not then, and not now." Lumine told him, "You can't be blamed for the actions of your old master."
Xiao frowned incomprehensibly. He could understand the words she was saying, but he was having a hard time believing them. He was a tool, a being solely meant to serve others. He thought she'd understand, since he'd pledged to serve her. His purpose was to exist for his master to use, and while his current lord didn't particularly wish to use him as a weapon, He was still one nonetheless. Xiao thought that if he explained it, maybe it would make more sense.
"I am a tool, Traveler. My purpose was to do my master's bidding, and I racked up karmic debt in his stead." Xiao said as calmly as he could.
Lumine’s hand tightened into a fist. "Okay.. then if we're following your logic, would you blame a sword for taking someone's life? Or would you blame the one who wielded it with the intention to kill?"
Xiao hesitated, causing Lumine to smile.
"I got you, didn't I?" she said.
"It’s not the same-"
"-Isn’t it?" Lumine said accusatorially, taking a step closer, "You said it yourself. You think you're nothing more than a weapon. If you wouldn't blame the sword, why should you blame yourself for being a weapon?"
"Traveler."
Lumine had a fire in her eyes. She put her hands on her hips, "Tell me then, how is it different?"
He sighed, "I can't explain it."
She took another step closer, "Then you have to agree with me, since you don't have any good reason to say otherwise."
"Lumine." Xiao protested.
Her gaze softened. "I’m just trying to say that you shouldn't blame yourself, Xiao."
"You don't understand—“
"—I do."
She slipped her hands in his, startling him slightly. Xiao stared at her in surprise. There was so much confidence in her that he felt himself begin to believe her, at least, just a little. She seemed so sure that he was innocent that he couldn't help but be a bit convinced. Xiao knew he wasn't innocent. He couldn’t be. He was possibly the farthest thing from it, but perhaps, there might be a slight chance of, in the very least, redemption.
He couldn't fully agree with her, though. There wasn't a world where he could simply distance himself from the consequences of his actions, nor could he live with himself if he were to neglect his duties, but for the first time in centuries, he felt something close to hope.
With a sigh, he squeezed her hands in return.
"Thank you for your kindness, Lumine."
For a moment, she looked startled, but she quickly broke into a wide grin. Xiao held her gaze, surprised by her expression. She looked genuinely happy, though he wasn't sure what about. In the back of his mind, he noted how lovely her smile was. The light in her eyes was hypnotic.
Xiao didn’t know how he felt about their interaction. He was confused. Lumine had helped him, which had allowed her to see some of the ugliest parts of himself. She seemed offended by his mentality, which had been surprising. He wasn’t going to stop trying to serve her, but he would have to reconsider how to go about it.
“I’m going to change your mind, you know?” Lumine added confidently, dragging him out of his thoughts.
Xiao tilted his head to the side, “Hm?”
“I can tell you’re not convinced, but I’ll make it so.” Lumine clarified, “One day, I’ll force you to see your own worth.”
“I know my worth, Traveler.”
She gave him a look, “Don’t you dare say that you’re a weapon again.”
Xiao almost laughed. So, she did understand. That was good.
“You may disagree, but I know who you really are. You can’t fool me, Xiao.” Lumine hummed, “And so, no matter what you say, I won’t buy into your self-deprecation. It’s not true.”
Xiao pressed his lips into a firm line, exhaling through his nose. If she really wanted to pursue this, would he have to pretend? Or worse, would he foolishly believe her, as he was inclined to do. He feared that she would begin to convince him, which could distract him from his duties. Xiao worried about forgetting his place. What would his lord think? What would his old master think?
Instead of voicing any of these concerns, he simply sighed.
“Do as you wish.”