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Being the golden maknae isn’t what everything believes it to be. It was fun at first, being thought of being perfect, being golden, good at everything. But then it started to go downhill. Everyone wanted him to be someone unable to do something wrong, something inhumane. They wanted him to be pristine, not broken, and incapable of being flawed.
Everyone knows that Jeongguk is only human. He should be able to make mistakes without being looked down upon, he should be able to have fun and act like a complete dork without having to worry about how it affects his image. He should be able to be a teenager without having to worry about the future of his career on his shoulders because he wanted to goof around.
But like always, Jeongguk was sitting in the bathroom with his head between his knees, breathing in and out shakily while trying not to disturb his bandmates from sleep. Jeongguk’s body shook with every breath in and he gasped when he released that breath.
Everything felt like too much to him. There was too much pressure and there was too much anxiety roaming through his body, tearing him apart from the inside out. Jeongguk ran his left hand through his hard shakily while holding a hand over his mouth to keep the sobs from ripping out of his throat.
Voices kept speaking to him in his head.
That stupid scar on your face, it ruins your golden maknae look.
Keep your hair in your eyes, no one wants to see the empty look in them.
Too tall to be the youngest, bend down a little to make yourself look like the shortest.
You can’t be the golden maknae if you don’t try, Jungkook!
He rubbed a hand harshly against his eyes, wiping away any stray tears before getting up and looking into the mirror. He ran his hand through his hair, sweeping it down into his eyes before letting his eyes drift down to the white scars lining the inside of his wrist. They ranged from the tiniest of scars, barely even seen, to those they took over a majority of his wrist and arm, jagged and edged from the items used to scar his skin.
Jeongguk dug his fingernails into his arm as hard as he could for a couple of seconds before releasing the grip he had on his arm and exiting the bathroom. His roommate for the trip to New York, Taehyung, was still asleep so Jeongguk went over to his side of the room and changed out of his short sleeve t-shirt and changed into a long-sleeved fitted shirt. He grabbed his phone and headphones before exiting the room and heading into the shared living area and sitting down on the couch.
Breathing in deeply, Jeongguk put in his headphones and blasted his music on full volume, trying to block out the voices in his head. It may have only been 3 AM in the morning and he may have only had an hour of sleep but Jeongguk felt more awake than he ever had felt.
For two hours, he sat there on the couch staring at the wall with random music blasting in his ear before he decided he should get up and try to get something to eat. There was snacks that were on the small counter about the mini-refrigerator that they had brought in case one of them should have gotten hungry so Jeongguk went over to the counter and pushed aside gummies and different types of chocolate before he got to a small bag of chips. Jeongguk went to grab the bag but his stomach turned at the thought of eating the chips.
Perhaps Jeongguk wasn’t as hungry as he thought he was.
You don’t need to eat that, you’ll ruin your image.
You need to work out more, burn those useless calories.
Before Jeongguk even knew his mind was made up, he had his shoes on and was out the door of the hotel. He decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator, because he needed to burn as many calories as possible.
Soon, he got to the bottom floor and Jeongguk was already running out the front door and out onto the cold, bitter streets of New York. Jeongguk barely looked left or right before he was sprinting down the sidewalk as fast as he could.
Jeongguk doesn’t remember how long he ran. He ran until he couldn’t feel his heart beating in his chest. He ran until he had to stop to throw up what little amount was in his stomach. Jeongguk wiped his mouth and pulled out his phone to check the time and was met with the time, which was 9:34 AM, and about 50 text messages, 20 missed calls, and 13 voicemails.
Jeongguk didn’t even bother to check the messages yet. He just sat down on the ground and breathed in the bitter air of the busy streets and just didn’t think about what he was supposed to do as a maknae.
Eventually, Jeongguk got off the streets and started walking back towards the hotel. He pulled out his phone and listened to a few of the messages before he turned his phone off. Of course it was his band members and they were worried about him but sometimes, Jeongguk felt like they only cared because they were obligated to. That was why Jeongguk was starting to distance himself between the hyungs and himself. He didn’t want to feel as if they were obligated to care about him.
He started jogging again and then it turned into sprinting again until he was back at the hotel, out of breathe, but the weight was off of his shoulders for now. Jeongguk made his way slowly up the stairs, still refusing to take the elevator to the top floor, and tried to take his time getting back to his room. He eventually got to his room and he slid to small plastic door key into the slot and opened the door once a green light showed.
He entered the room slowly and closed the door softly. He sat the key card on the counter next to the snacks and walked into the living area and was met with the 6 older guys sitting on the couch, not talking but sitting close together.
Jeongguk barely got two steps into the room before Seokjin spoke up.
“Where were you?” Jeongguk froze and clenched his hands. He looked over his shoulder and saw that all 6 hyungs were looking his way, concerned and worried eyes looking in his direction. Jeongguk felt his walls grow tighter and become steel and Jeongguk looked back in front of him.
“It doesn’t matter.” Jeongguk said lowly. He walked towards the bathroom and was stopped again as Namjoon spoke.
“Actually, it does. I was worried. We were all worried. You didn’t reply to our text messages, our calls, nor our voicemails. Who would have known what happened to you?” He spoke in a soft, yet stern voice, the voice of a leader.
Jeongguk breathed out. “Can we, just not do this right now? I’m tired.” He left it at that, not describing how he was tired nor in what way. Jeongguk relaxed his clenched hands and brought one of his hands to his hair and yanked it through the sweaty locks, the other hand holding the opposite side, as if he was trying to keep himself together.
He thought no one would notice how he was holding himself but Jimin had the eyes of a hawk.
“Are you okay, Jungkookie?”
Then the rest of the guys noticed how Jeongguk was holding himself.
“Yeah.” He bit out, his body now shaking slightly underneath of everyone’s stares. “Perfectly okay.”
“Jungkook-ah, are you…” Jeongguk didn’t wait to hear was Hoseok was going to say to him. He walked down the hall and into the bathroom. He shut the door and locked the door, not wanting anyone to barge in on him. He stripped out of his clothes and immediately got into the shower, turning the heat on hot full blast, not caring how red and raw it would make his skin at the moment.
Jeongguk washed himself four times, trying to get rid of any impurities inside of him, trying to wash them away. When he finally got out of the shower, he was red and his skin was tender as all hell. Jeongguk ran his hands through his hair and tugged as hard as he could, trying to get the voices that taunted him for being so impure out of his head. He stood up and paced in the tiny bathroom and started banging his hand against the counter, trying to cause pain to get his mind away from the voices and to focus on the pain instead.
By the time Jeongguk had gotten the voices out of his for the time being, his skin wasn’t red anymore but his breathing was harsher, his eyes were wilder, and his heart beat was going so fast, it was like it was trying to take off.
Jeongguk wrapped the towel around his waist and exited the bathroom, quickly making his way to his side of the room and throwing on a different long sleeve shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He quickly towel-dried his hair and then made his way out to the living area again.
He sat down on the window seat that overlooked the city and put his headphones back into his ears and playing some random song on maximum volume. He felt the stares of his hyungs on his back but he ignored them.
Jeongguk knew that his band mates were worried about him. He had been this way in the morning for the past six months, disappearing and showing back up after four or five hours with no explanation.
He felt bad for worrying his hyungs. He did.
He just needed to ensure that he would be the best, the most perfect golden maknae there was to make his hyungs proud. If that meant starving himself, overworking himself, depriving himself of good things, and making his hyungs worry about him, he’d gladly do it.
To make his hyungs, his family, and the A.R.M.Y proud to have chosen Jeon Jeongguk as their golden maknae.
“Calling someone perfect or golden isn’t a good thing. It can be good for a little while but it can eventually lead to something worse, something destructive because they will try to stay ‘perfect’ or ‘golden’ to not disappoint the people around them. Even if that means hurting themselves and relationships in the process. Calling someone perfect or golden is just a different way to make someone kill themselves slowly.” – A.B.