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Jade Ngô didn’t think there was a day that didn’t go by where she didn’t fall more and more in love with Summer Dileo. Every good morning text left Jade’s face heating up even on the coldest of days, Summer’s soft smiles made his heart flutter, and her laughter would give Jade’s stomach a swarm of butterflies. From the day Jade first saw Summer performing on stage to even now, years later, Jade Ngô can very easily describe just how quickly and overwhelmingly she’d fallen for Summer.
When they’d first started talking, introduced to one another by Doug, Jade thought he was dreaming. She thought the way Summer looked radiant even in the harsh fluorescent light of the school cafeteria was a dead giveaway that he was dreaming. Jade had tried to pinch himself and had to suppress the embarrassment she felt in the moment that he'd even tried such a thing. Even now, Jade is sure that under that same shitty lighting Summer would still look like the most beautiful person she’d ever seen.
Because that’s how it’s always been for Jade - helplessly bewitched by the goddess that is Summer Dileo. And first it was simply yearning, he hardly knew Summer, only knew her happiness made Jade’s breath catch. It was a gentle feeling initially, one that crept into Jade’s veins until its unfaltering rhythm was too present to ignore; Jade had a crush. Then it grew. Actually talking to Summer Dileo made Jade feel like she was on Cloud 9. It was a buzzing feeling, one that left Jade nervous and bumbling in Summer’s presence. The feeling had begun to build up, seeping deep into the very marrow of Jade’s bones until he could no longer dismiss the feeling as something small; Jade had a crush.
And then, the unthinkable happened. At a sleepover Summer had seemed nervous. Her hands were fidgeting and every now and again Jade would notice her glace towards her, worry her lip, and hurriedly glance away again. She pulled Jade out onto the roof outside her window and Jade was so focused on his hand in Summer’s that she’d almost tripped. Summer had caught him of course, but a nervous laugh had escaped her lips when she held onto Jade. Jade had properly looked up then and had the breath taken out of her. Summer had looked so beautiful he almost asked to kiss her. She didn’t need to though because Summer was looking down at Jade with a look he couldn’t describe and then she confessed her feelings.
Jade could very easily say she felt over the moon.
And that was that. They were together and Jade watched as he fell harder and harder for Summer. He watched as she felt himself become more comfortable around Summer and was happy to watch Summer become more comfortable around her too. They had made a home of one another, and Jade felt like he could tell Summer almost anything. And God, didn’t that just mean Jade was in love with Summer, because what was that feeling if not love? Jade Ngô, not too long ago, had fallen in love with Summer Dileo. But it was okay because she had fallen in love with her too. Or at least she had for a while.
So, knowing all of this, Jade feels stupid. And even knowing how it ends, Jade thinks he would still fall in love with Summer Dileo all over again. And isn’t that pathetic?
Because the worst thing is, getting from point A to point B—from being so hopelessly adored by Summer to hardly being spared a glance—wasn’t even a short process so the idea Jade would put herself through it all over again should be dismissed without a second thought. And yet…
Jade wished it wasn’t a mystery solving board that caused the first proper rift between the two. But it was so elaborate: red string connecting masked faces to specific events, people or items, specific newspaper clippings all highlighted and annotated, rants on post it notes. So, of course it caught Jade’s attention. And of course, the amount of detail only made Jade more curious to read it - how did Summer even have the time to go into that much detail? Jade didn’t know but at the time he’d only smiled softly at it; the board was something so Summer, how could she not adore it to pieces.
And then she read it a bit closer, one name and blurry image sticking out more than the others… Cantrip. Jade couldn’t tare his eyes away from that portion of the board; Summer had put so much thought into “Cantrip’s” identity it was adorable. But it was also terrifying… What if Summer found out Jade and Cantrip were one and the same. Would she begin to treat her differently? Jade hoped he’d never find out.
Of course, though, the world liked to play cruel games on Jade—sacrificial parents and a sister who hated her—it was only a matter of time before it took this too, entwining its hands with the red string that connected Jade and Summer’s lives together until the fragile fibres had begun to fray.
Summer Dileo, because even now she is one of the smartest people Jade knows, had figured out Cantrip’s identity. Of course she had. In what world was there where Summer wasn’t clever enough to figure it out on her own?
She was subtle about it at first, asking Jade more and more questions about the kind of technology he used until she slipped, showing her a piece, he’d taken from the villain Wavelength - an item Cantrip was notorious for having. So of course, Jade couldn’t deny it anymore. Summer had asked why the gadget had looked so familiar and she’d come clean, pulling out the mask he wore as Cantrip to cement Summer’s suspicions further. She looked elated though—a large grin on her face—and Jade couldn’t help but smile along. One thing had stood out in his mind though, and the tendrils of warmth and treasure that had seeped into her heart when Jade had first started dating Summer had begun to feel a little colder. Only a little. Because… Well, Summer had never looked at Jade like That.
And therein lay the problem: Summer began to treat Jade differently…
It was hardly noticeable at the start: more questions about tech here, an excited look shot Jade’s way if “Cantrip” was on the news. They were little things really, nothing Jade felt he had to get insecure about. Because Summer loved Jade, right, that’s who she’d asked out, not Cantrip, so Jade had nothing to worry about. And then the change became more noticeable.
Summer would constantly bring up Cantrip as if he and Jade were two separate people and not simply a mask to hide behind. She would offer to patch up Jade in the light of her bathroom after a mission and hold her just that little bit tighter when she was done. Jade didn’t think Summer meant it, not really, it was most probably a trick by Jade’s mind fuelled by his hesitancy in being vulnerable. If being herself around Summer still sometimes filled him with anxiety on her bad days, it’s no wonder Summer would instinctively turn to Cantrip if he appeared to be “more stable”.
Regardless of her intention or instinct, or even if there was no reasoning behind it at all, Jade still felt as though he was being left behind. Like somewhere along the way, Summer had reached out for Jade’s hand and accidentally picked up Cantrip's and walked all the bit faster. The idea had planted a seed in Jade’s skull, one that repeated only “what-ifs” into its confines until Jade began to doubt whether she had any other thoughts, or whether the mantra the crawled from the base of his skull to the front was simply all that was left - an almost constant influx of doubt. What if Summer knew already and stuck around to confirm she was Cantrip. What if she had started to kiss Jade with Cantrip in mind. What if Summer loved Jade for her vigilante identity and not for himself… Doubt came in.
And it only got worse after Summer decided to join the pit fights Jade had been training in. Summer had trained and trained until she was on a similar skillset to Jade. They were placed in fights together then, and Jade swore Summer had most definitely begun treating “Jade” and “Cantrip” as two different people.
But what could Jade even do about it? She loved Summer too much to even entertain the thought of letting go what they had, even if it hurt him inevitably. She wouldn’t know how to even approach the topic - What if Jade was wrong? What if he was oversimplifying things, looking for evidence that didn’t exist. What if clarifying destroys what they have forever?
Jade didn’t want to lose what they had. So, out of her two options—A: to ask Summer, confirm whether it was in his head or not and B: to keep what they had already, regardless of the hurt—of course he chose to settle for less.
And it was an easy decision really, how could it not be? It was as easy as breathing, as easy as loving Summer (and Jade thought that was the easiest thing in the world). Jade had stuck by the decision for a while, even though it meant falling asleep last at sleepovers because the thought that Summer doesn’t like her as much and he likes Summer ate him up inside so much sleep didn’t come easily.
On the night of their last sleepover, the feeling doesn’t take nearly as long to plague Jade’s mind. Summer looked serene, yes, peaceful, and beautiful when lit aglow by the moonlight but Jade’s arms felt like lead wrapped around Summer’s waist, like the action had caused her arm to be overcome with a poison-like uncomfortableness. Being near Summer had become a double-edged sword. On one hand, Summer still made Jade happy, still made him blush and laugh and feel loved. On the other hand, Summer also made Jade cry and shrink into herself a little more. Being near Summer simultaneously made him feel like the most loved person in the world and the most alone.
That night Jade had felt sick.
Looking at Summer’s resting face Jade had wondered if she still dreamt of Jade, if the smile on her face was because she’d seen her and smiled on instinct - that’s what Summer had used to say. Or had even her dreams shifted its focus from “Jade” onto “Cantrip” instead? For the first time since before they admitted their feelings to each other, Jade pulled himself apart from Summer and turned to face the other way. Jade couldn’t ever get the courage to initiate another sleepover with Summer, nor even accept her invitations. Eventually, Summer had learned to stop asking.
But even then, Jade couldn’t let go of her. She loved Summer so, so much and there wasn’t a fibre in his being that couldn’t possibly Not love her. Sometimes Jade thought he was made for loving Summer. Could Summer say the same? Was she made for loving Jade, too? Or did she unlearn that?
Jade had all her suspicions confirmed at one midsummer’s dance during senior year. It wasn’t run by the school but most of her peers were there dancing to some random playlist Jade could hardly pay attention to because even then his focus was almost solely on Summer. And then a particular song came one, their song, and Summer’s face lit up. She pulled Jade onto the makeshift dance floor and swung him around in time with the music. For the whole song Summer looked so happy and Jade had felt like she was falling in love with her all over again.
And then a slower song played. Jade couldn’t recall the name, only the feeling of Summer’s arms wrapped around her waist as she pulled him in close and swayed with her from side to side in a nonsensical circle. Looking up at Summer, Jade thought she was serene—a goddess under disco lighting—with her gaze unfocused upon Jade and a gentle smile on her lips. The love in Jade’s heart didn’t take too long to turn sour.
Is she picturing dancing with you or your vigilante self?
The thought became so loud she’d let the words spill from her lips: ‘Are you picturing dancing with me or “Cantrip” right now? Please be honest…’
Jade felt his heart stutter when she felt Summer’s hands hold her waist tighter, not enough to hurt, but enough to be a forever present thought in the back of his mind. Summer seemed to pause, and Jade sucked in a quick breath.
‘You, obviously, Love Bug.’ Summer uttered in a small voice, but the thing was, she had known Summer long enough to tell when she’s not telling the truth and, well… Jade’s heart sank.
The worst part was Jade fully expected her to deny it without lying. Expected it all to just be some stupid part of Jade’s brain trying to hurt her for no reason. He hadn’t expected to be right…
Now, months later, there is always going to be a part of Jade that loves Summer, misses her, but realistically Jade knows he’s been doing much better since breaking up with her - Jade loves himself more, and is more confident in herself. That didn’t mean reaching this conclusion was easy. It took every single one of those months for Jade to finally let go of what they had together. To let go of the good times with Summer because they were starting to become entangled with the bad - the red strings that had intertwined their lives together, connecting them wrist to wrist had finally snapped.
The finality of their breakup left Jade with a cavity in his chest, left the feeling of a gaping wound where there was no injury to be found. It makes Jade yearn for someone long gone, for the memory of the girl who loved Jade like she was the moon personified, a celestial body worth treasuring, or felt like she was holding the world in her arms when she held him. She was yearning for the echo of a girl who doesn’t want him in the same way she wants her.
Don’t get Jade wrong, he’s happier now, healthier, since having left Summer, but deep down she knows there will forever be a part of him waiting for Summer to come back. Waiting for a Summer who will smile in her direction in the school halls or simply out on the street. Jade will foolishly cling to the hope that Summer may say yes if he were to ask her out again even though there is no possible world where Jade would let herself do that again after this. Willaim keeps asking why he’s still clinging to the hope when Summer can’t even look Jade in the eye anymore…
An angry part of Jade wants to yell back ‘What do you even know anyway?’ He finally got his shit together and asked out Vyncent and they’d been insufferable (mildly endearing) ever since. She wants to yell at him and fling himself back into vigilante work and just cry. Jade does the first… and the third - Doug won’t let her anywhere near his “Cantrip things” until she was over Summer. It’s for the best. Still, a part of Jade wants to do it anyway. A part of him wants to desperately ignore her friend’s pleas to get over Summer because he knows it will never happen. Wants to call the number she never got the courage to block but still knows off by heart even after deleting it from his contacts just to hear Summer’s voice again. She resists the urge, for the most part. Until he notices a purple crocheted cardigan in the bottom of her closet.
That night Jade wasn’t strong enough; he called the memorised number. Only, it didn’t go through. Not even a full ring sounds out before it goes to voicemail and Jade hates that her heart still flutters at the sound of Summer’s voice. He hangs up immediately.
It’s hard to get out of bed the next day. And the next. It’s not until Ruby forcibly pulls her out of bed does Jade even begin to do normal tasks again. Ruby, who hadn't talked to Jade in years, Ruby, who had only met him with glares, Ruby, who had spent more time in the last couple years refusing to acknowledge she even had a sibling yet alone treat Jade with anything resembling gentleness. Ruby, who had left all of that behind the moment she'd realised Jade was hurting. And even if the extent of its care was Ruby had been bringing Jade food or making sure he's staying healthy and not alone. Jade showers for the first time in days and when she exits, finally wearing clean pyjamas, Ruby is waiting, concern pulling at her features. Jade tells it everything. It’s Ruby who convinces their bà ngoại and ông ngoại to let Jade stay home for a few more days. It is also Ruby who finally convinces him to go back to school. It’s senior year after all.
She goes back with a plan: to finally return the cardigan and let herself get over Summer. Neither truly works in the way he intended it to.
She pulls Summer aside, just before World Literature—a class that Jade would have dropped had their teacher not separated the two after he asked—and with shaky hands, gives Summer back the cardigan she crocheted. Summer looks down at it dumbly and a sadness overtakes her features. She takes the jumper though, and Jade finally releases a breath. Summer utters out a breathless apology and just as quickly turns away to put the cardigan away. Jade almost breaks down. Almost. She thanks how often he used to go out at Cantrip for her ability to mask his emotions so easily.
The rest of senior year kind of moves like that between the two of them; Summer avoiding any confrontation and Jade doing whatever she can to ignore the hurt. It does get better though. Jade spends more time with his friends, finds it in herself to laugh, and listens to Ruby’s advice to just focus on school for the last few months. It will just be easier, it says. And it is. Focusing on school and her for just a bit makes it easier to believe it’s all going to be okay. Makes it easier to logically look back on it all. Jade realistically knows that someday in the maybe distant, maybe near future he’ll get over Summer. When she’s walked a little further into her life she’ll fall in love and leave Summer behind. Her heart will stop aching when he sees roses or the stage or even a particularly pretty sunrise. Someday she will be valued for himself and not his vigilante identity and the thought brings Jade peace. It doesn’t fully help the here and now when Jade still feels his heart flutter when Summer walks past her but it makes it easier. And that’s all he can ask for.
For now, Jade can only acknowledge how bad the mess she’s gotten into is, how it hurts him, and how despite it all, she is still a little in love. Because even after it all, Summer Dileo still is a bit of Jade’s everything, even if he is nothing more than her second best.