Archive of Our Own

“I don’t want to play tennis anymore,” Lily announces one morning over cereal.  Art balks, chokes on the protein smoothie he already should’ve finished, and he coughs.  Unbothered in that way only six year olds can be, Lily shovels another bite of her cereal into her mouth with her Wonder Woman spoon and pushes Art’s glass of water closer to him as he keeps coughing. “You should drink water.”

He hears Tashi’s voice so clearly in his little girl, and obedient as ever, he lifts his glass, taking a couple swallows from it before glancing at his phone.  Even though Tashi is all the way across town dropping off some things at her brother’s house this morning, he doesn’t trust his phone not to have accidentally butt-dialed her. “You don’t want to play tennis?”

Lily shakes her head, her dark curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Nope.”

Simple.  To the point.  Art loves this about his daughter, and he wonders where the hell she got it from.  She certainly didn’t get it from Tashi, whose coded stares and ambiguous actions have always kept Art on his toes, but in his defense, she hasn’t gotten this straightforwardness from him, either.  He’s earned his “Ice” nickname and reputation for a reason.  Instead of embracing his feelings, he likes to keep them at arm’s length, observing them as he sorts through them.  He’s never been good at just saying what he thinks or feels the second it pops into his head, and he admires this unbridled quality in his six year old.

“Why not?  I thought you liked tennis,” he says, careful to keep his tone curious and not judgmental.  As much as he loves his wife, as much as he would move heaven and earth for her, he can’t help silently thanking all the possible deities he can think of that she isn’t here for this conversation.

“I like dance more.” Lily drinks from her glass of orange juice, using the bendy straw she likes so much. “I really like tap.  And ballet.”

“Tap,” Art repeats, at a bit of a loss. Dance is a world completely outside his area of knowledge, and he doesn’t know anything about it other than the fact that Lily takes a combination Ballet, Tap, & Jazz class each week. “Well, that’s cool.  Tap looks like it’s fun.  Have you told Mommy about this?”

“Uhn uhn.” She shakes her head and gives Art a knowing look that’s straight off of Tashi’s own face.  In any other circumstance, this mirror image of his wife would be funny. “Mommy loves tennis too much.”

Art frowns, bothered by her perceptiveness. “She does love tennis, but you know she loves you more than she loves tennis, right, sweetie?”

“Uh huh.” Lily smiles, and she pushes her bowl away from her. “I’m done.  Can we go to the park?”

Art feels like he has whiplash from how quickly the conversation has changed, but he manages to nod in his shock. “Yeah…yeah, we can.  Can you put your bowl in the dishwasher, and we’ll see about getting you out of your PJs, ok?”

He watches her slide out of her chair and take her bowl to the dishwasher.  It feels like it wasn’t that long ago that she was holding onto the lower cupboards in the kitchen to steady herself as she learned how to walk, and now, she’s so grown that she can put her own dishes in the dishwasher.  Whenever he thinks about how fast she’s growing, his chest hurts, and he has to push the thought out of his mind.

Lily puts the spoon in the dishwasher where eating utensils are supposed to go, and she looks at the remaining milk in her bowl. “Can I put it in even though it’s got milk?”

“Ah.  Good catch.  Just leave it on the table, and I’ll get it.  Want to get a headstart picking something to wear?”

“Yeah!” Lily puts her bowl back on the table and dashes out of the kitchen, leaving Art and his smoothie behind.  A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he watches her run.

“Walk, don’t run, sweetie!” he calls after her, though he figures she’s probably out of listening distance by now.  His daughter has only two speeds: running as fast as she can or being perfectly still.  Between the two speeds, however, running is her favorite.  Lily is naturally athletic, something that neither he nor Tashi has been surprised by, given their own athleticism.  The argument could be made that their daughter’s effortless grace at anything physical is a case of nature versus nurture, but Art knows that for Lily, nature is the correct answer.  Without a doubt.  That being said, it’s not like there haven’t been outside influences that nurtured her and encouraged her to become a future tennis star.

One of Lily’s earliest belongings had been a little tennis racquet with her name on it, a special gift sent to them by Wilson shortly after Lily’s birth.  Even now, he remembers watching Tashi open it and feeling both touched and horrified by the gift.  Yes, it was a beautiful gesture, but he also knew that they were expected to take a picture of it, to post it to their social media accounts with a praise-filled caption gushing over how much they loved it and knew Lily would love it, too.  Capitalizing on his newborn baby had felt weird to him, and Tashi had wrinkled her nose in agreement when he’d brought it up.  Tennis brands from across the globe had sent gifts, and so before Lily was even a week old, she’d had the most elite collection of baby tennis gear.

Even Art and Tashi themselves had encouraged Lily’s involvement with tennis.  One of Art’s favorite memories of seeing his wife and their daughter is from when Lily, at three years old, had managed to hit a plush tennis ball when Tashi gently tossed one to her.  Lily had watched them play by then, had taken in every volley back and forth between her parents, and when Tashi had called Lily’s name and thrown a soft, plush ball in her direction, Lily had swung with her tiny racquet and hit it.  Tashi had been so delighted seeing it, had gushed praise, and she had kissed all over Lily’s little face, making her giggle so hard she got hiccups.

And since then, Lily has shown real promise – real talent – for such a young girl.  She knows her way around a tennis court, and she looks like she belongs there.  Art has spent countless afternoons watching Lily follow Tashi around the court, her child-size racquet propped over her shoulder, and hand on her hip as she watches her mother coach him.  Tennis is in Lily’s blood even more deeply than it is in either his or Tashi’s, and that’s something he and Tashi have pulled out of her.  Now, however, he wonders if they made a mistake in doing so.

Art checks his phone and texts Tashi to let her know he’s taking Lily to the park, and he finishes cleaning up their breakfast.  He empties Lily’s cereal bowl, chugs the rest of his morning smoothie, and puts the empty dishes in the dishwasher.  As he leans over to close the dishwasher, his shoulder twinges, and he grimaces, clenching his teeth against the sharp, stabbing little pain.  His new physiotherapist – Tashi hadn’t been happy with his previous one, and she’d had him replaced within the week –  says he should be good to start doing some easy warmups next week, which Tashi has been over the moon about.  Art, though, hasn’t felt anywhere near as excited.  He’s a little concerned by his disinterest, but he doesn’t pay it any mind.  He’s just rusty, he tells himself as he climbs the stairs to Lily’s room.  Once he gets back on the court, he’ll feel that familiar surge of adrenaline, that feeling of hunger that’s lived deep in his gut since the first tennis class he took as a kid, and he’ll be fine.  This is what he tells himself.

At the top of the stairs, he stops at Lily’s room and leans against the doorframe, knocking lightly against it to announce his presence. “Choose something to wear yet, Lily-Bug?”

“My Moana shirt.” Lily runs up to him and holds her Moana shirt up for him to take.

“Perfect choice.  What kind of pants?”

“I don’t know.”

“What about the blue ones?  They’ll match your shirt.  I think.” Art actually has no clue if they’ll match, but it sounds like the right thing to say.

“Ok.” Lily bounds over to her dresser and starts looking through it, throwing clothes on the floor as she searches for the specific clothing item. “Mommy likes those ones.”

“Your blue pants?”

“Yeah.  She says they match your eyes.”

Art feels a tug on his heart, and he smiles as he imagines Tashi sharing that with their daughter, Tashi whispering it to her like it’s a secret only they get to be in on together.  He’s caught them like that many times, and while some fathers might feel angry over being left out of the joke, he loves seeing the two girls he loves more than anything in this world be in cahoots together.  He crosses over to Lily’s closet and starts to help her look for the pants. “Yeah?  She said that?”

“Mmhmm.” Lily gives up the search and goes to sit on her bed, watching her father dig through her closet.

Art finds the blue pants in question dangling from a hanger, and he frees them. “Here we go.  Yeah, I think this matches the shirt you chose.  What do you think?”

Lily examines the shirt and the pants together, tilting her head to the side and twisting her mouth in thoughtful consideration as she looks back and forth between them. “Uh huh.”

“Great.  We’re in agreement.  Let’s get you changed, kiddo.” He kneels down and helps her change out of her pajamas and into her outfit for the day.  When Lily has school, either he or Tashi chooses her clothes for her, but on weekends, they let her be the one to decide what she wears, no matter how ridiculous she may look.  Tashi had insisted on it, had felt so strongly about letting Lily have some kind of agency over her life as a child that even if Art had disagreed with her on it, he wouldn’t have argued with her.  But he likes it.  He enjoys seeing what Lily chooses, and he enjoys asking her why she chose a particular shirt or a dress because he likes hearing her reasoning.

“Because it’s pink, Daddy.”

“Because the tag isn’t itchy.”

“Because Grandma says I look like a mermaid.”

Hearing her explanations and seeing her creativity always give Art better insight into who Lily is, and he loves Tashi for being the kind of mother to encourage that in their daughter.  Their daughter.  Sometimes he still feels like he needs to pinch himself because knowing Lily is theirs feels so dream-like he wonders if it really isn’t real.  He finds himself watching Lily a lot, just looking at how she takes in the world around her, and he sees pieces of the both of them in her.  She has Tashi’s big brown eyes that make him melt whenever he sees them.  She has Tashi’s thick, dark hair that’s a pain in the ass to brush out after she’s been running around playing outside.  But he also sees his chin, especially when she smiles.  Her eyebrows and the shape of her mouth are also all him, something that Tashi had pointed out in the early days after Lily’s birth.

Art had actually been the one holding Lily when Tashi mentioned it.  He’d been so afraid of breaking this beautiful, delicate little baby, and he’d held her so carefully, just staring at her with huge, terrified eyes like she would shatter into pieces at any moment.  Tashi had been sitting on the couch beside him, tucked up against him and gazing at Lily with such wonder.  She had traced Lily’s perfect, tiny little lips with her forefinger, grinning when Lily stirred. “She’s got your mouth.”

“Really?” he’d asked, his voice laced with anxiety.  Anxious about what, he hadn’t known.  Anxious he would drop the baby.  Anxious he would somehow hurt her.  Anxious she would hate him already, even if he hadn’t done anything yet.  Anxious that not knowing what to do would make her hate him.  Anxious about fucking everything, really.

Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Tashi nodded. “Yeah.  Look.  She’s got an exact replica of your cupid’s bow.”

Art had followed the trace of her finger and noticed she was right.  Part of him had actually been afraid that Lily wouldn’t look anything like him, and while he’d relished the thought of having a mini-Tashi as a daughter, there was still that secret part of him that had been afraid no one would believe he was her father if she didn’t resemble him at all.  The older Lily gets, the more he sees himself in her features, sees his mannerisms embedded in her.  One of his favorite images of her is when he sees her standing with her little hands on her hips.  From the way she leans into her left hip and props her right knee, she’s a perfect mirror of him when she does it.

“Daddy, can we go now?” Lily asks, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, of course.  You want to take anything to the park?  What about–” He starts to ask her if she wants to take her racquet and some tennis balls the way she usually does, but he thinks back to what she’d told him at breakfast and goes silent.  His shoulder aches, and he rolls it with a wince, wondering if he should take some of his resistance bands with them and do some more of his exercises at the park.  When he’d first been injured, he’d felt self-conscious about going to the park with Lily, wearing a hat so the bill stayed low over his eyes and glancing around nervously for fear of being recognized.  The thing about tennis, though, is that most people don’t keep up with it enough to recognize professional players when they’re out and about on the street.  Tashi had laughed at him when he first brought up his fear of being recognized, had told him that he wasn’t Shaq, and then she’d pointed out how whenever he was recognized, it was usually because they were out travelling for various tennis events, and people were actively looking for him.  At home, away from the masses of tennis fans gathered in a single area to watch an event, they were generally pretty safe.  He’d felt ridiculous when she’d mentioned it, but after that, his comfort level over going out had greatly increased.

From time to time, he does get recognized when he and Lily go to the park, but the people who recognize him don’t make it weird.  One of the reasons why they’d moved to this neighborhood in the first place is because of how quiet, discrete, and gated it is.  Tashi doesn’t like that it’s gated – “This is some upper class white people shit, Art.” – but she’s made peace with the fact that even if they’re not Shaq levels of famous, they’re still famous enough to need a private neighborhood that isn’t easily accessible.  Still, he sees how their surroundings weigh on her.  He sees how she makes up for their wealth like she’s afraid that if she doesn’t, she’ll forget where she came from.  Tashi doesn’t mind fame, and she especially doesn’t mind success; she’s craved success since before she could even put a name to the feeling.  But what she does mind is taking the results of their success – their wealth – and becoming just another rich family.  The one time he’d made the mistake of teasing her about it, she’d looked at him with such deep, genuine resentment, he’s never joked about it again.  Art is many things, but oblivious to his wife, he is not.  She’s been adamant that Lily grow up not embodying the little rich girl stereotype, and he’s done his best to support her on it.

Art studies his daughter’s face and sees her innocent, open eyes staring back at him, expectant.

“Daddy?” she asks.

“Yeah?”

“I think you forgot what you were gonna say.”

Art chuckles, running a hand over his face over being called out by his Kindergartener. “Yeah.  I think you’re right.  That’s what happens when you get old.”

She giggles and wrinkles her nose. “You are old.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He tweaks her nose to make her giggle more. “You ready to go?  You want to take anything with you to the park?”

“Can we take the frisbee?”

“Of course we can.  Let’s go get it.” He follows Lily out of her room and waits in the hall while she fetches it from her play room.  He rolls his shoulder to test how it’s doing today, knowing she’ll want him to throw the frisbee as hard and far as he can so she can run to her heart’s delight.  He doesn’t feel any pain, but an uncomfortable stiffness makes him wince.  Yeah, he thinks, he’s going to take those resistance bands to the park with them.

Frisbee in hand, Lily joins him, and they go downstairs together.  She waits patiently while he ties her shoes, and she helps him pack a small backpack with bottles of water, a couple snacks, and his resistance bands.  By the time Art has the front door closed and locked behind him, Tashi has texted saying she’s on her way back and will try to meet them at the park once she’s home.  He slides his phone into his pocket before taking Lily’s hand, and they start out walking to their destination.

The park isn’t far from the house, and with the morning being clear and not too cold, the walk will be nice exercise for him.  He’s stayed on top of his fitness regimen as best as he can, but he’s still got some catching up to do, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it.  As they walk along, he glances at his daughter and notices how content she looks.  Every few steps, she does a little skip, and she likes jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk.

“What are you going to do at the park?” he asks.

“I’m gonna play frisbee and go on the slide.”

“The slide’s a lot of fun, huh?”

“Uh huh.”

“Mommy said she’s going to try to meet us at the park when she gets back.  Maybe she can join our frisbee game?”

“Mommy?” Lily’s face lights up, and she jumps a little higher over the next crack in the sidewalk.

“Yeah, how does that sound?”

“Yay!” She jumps again.

“Hey, Lily-Bug, do you remember breakfast when you told me you don’t want to play tennis anymore?” Art asks carefully.

“Uh huh.”

“Maybe let’s keep that a little secret between you and me for right now, ok?”

“Ok!” She looks up at him, her little face unreadable. “Sometimes Mommy and I have secrets, too.”

Art isn’t really surprised to hear this, but hearing confirmation from his daughter is a little jarring. “Yeah?  Am I allowed to know any of them?”

“No, silly.  They’re secrets!”

“Good point.” He squeezes her hand, smiling when she squeezes back. “And you know that even though Mommy really loves tennis, she’s still going to love you just as much, right?”

“Uh huh.” She hops over another line in the sidewalk. “You can stop playing, too, Daddy.”

Art slows down, and he looks at her, but if she understands the gravity of her words, she doesn’t show it as she pulls him forward. “I can’t do that, sweetie.  I have to play tennis.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s my job.  Grown ups have to make money, and they do that through their jobs.  Mine is playing tennis.”

“But you haven’t played tennis in a long time.”

“That’s because I hurt my shoulder, and I couldn’t play while I was hurt.  I’m doing a lot better now, though, and I’ll be playing again soon.  That’s why I have to do all those silly exercises with those stretchy colorful bands.” He looks at her to see her reaction, and she wears a frown, her small mouth twisted into an expression of dissatisfaction. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“You’re home more when you don’t play tennis.”

Art slows even more, his heart clenching at her words, and for a moment, he doesn’t speak as he collects his thoughts.  When he finds the words to speak, all he can come up with is an understatement.  “Yeah.  I guess I have been home a little more.”

“When you play tennis, you and Mommy are always gone.”

“You get to come with us in the summer, though.  You love hotels, and because of tennis, that’s why we get to stay in hotels.”

“We could go to hotels without tennis,” she suggests with her matter of fact sincerity that, again, Art has no idea whom she gets it from.

“I wish it were that easy, sweetie.”

“Olivia and Uncle Max and Aunt Kelly do,” she points out, referring to Tashi’s brother, his wife, and their daughter, Lily’s cousin.

“They do, but that’s different,” Art replies.  He can tell he’s slowly losing control of the discussion, and he feels a little panic start to boil in his gut when he realizes that he doesn’t actually know how to get it back.  Moments like these remind him that he may be a father, but he doesn’t always have the answers.  Part of him wonders if he would have the answers if he weren’t always gone playing tennis.  If he were around more, would he know how to handle these more difficult moments?  Would he have a better grasp of how to give his daughter the answers she deserves?  He has no idea, and the realization that he’s out of his depth makes the panic grow.  Making himself breathe steadily, he focuses on Lily’s face to keep him grounded.

“Why?” she asks.

“It just is.” He sighs and comes to a stop. “I wish I had a better answer for you.”

She looks up at him with her large brown eyes that come straight from her mother, and he squats down so he’s eye level with her. “We still have lots of time together before I have to go back to playing tennis.  You, me, and Mommy.  We have so many adventures left to go on before I have to go to work again.”

“Promise?”

Art knows he shouldn’t make a promise he can’t keep, but he can’t deny his daughter, would rather die than deny her, and he nods. “Promise.”

“Pinky promise?” She holds up her hand, her pinky extended, and Art grins as he intertwines his pinky with hers.

“Pinky promise.”

Satisfied, she smiles and starts pulling on his hand. “Ok.”

They continue walking to the park, and Art shoves the guilt he feels in the forefront of his brain to the very back of his mind.  He’ll deal with it at another time, and besides, he intends to keep his promise to her.  Just because he’s starting to train again next week won’t mean that he’s actually playing in matches again.  Training is only training.  He’ll be getting his swing back and seeing just how far behind he’s fallen, and that’s all he’ll be doing.  The actual playing won’t come for a while still, so he hasn’t exactly lied to her, he tells himself.  Yet he still feels uneasy over promising her something he’s not completely sure he can follow through on, and even the possibility that he might let his daughter down is the worst fucking feeling in the world.

When they get to the park, Lily runs straight for the playground, and Art gets set up under a tree where he’s close enough that he can still watch Lily while he does some of his shoulder exercises.  A stranger to no one, Lily makes herself perfectly at home with the other kids who are playing here, and it isn’t long before they’re running around like they’re the best of friends.  He thinks she probably got her easy friendliness from Tashi, who’s always been much more comfortable around people than he is, but she certainly gets her showmanship from him.  Even on the playground, she plays like she’s showing off, something that he’s heard commentators say about the way he plays tennis when he’s playing well.

After a certain point, Art takes a break from his exercises, and he sits on the ground in the shade, arms loosely wrapped around his knees as he watches his daughter play.  He’s so absorbed in keeping an eye on her that when his eyes are covered by two hands reaching around him from behind him, he actually jumps.

“Surprise,” Tashi says in his ear, her chuckle low and sweet. “Jesus, Art.  You’re jumpy.”

Before he can reply, Lily’s voice cuts through the air.

“Mommy!” At the sight of her mother, Lily immediately leaves her new friend group behind and comes catapulting toward Tashi.  Tashi grabs Lily up in her arms and swings her around, making her giggle, and she sets her down.

“Hey, baby,” she greets, beaming brightly at her. “You look like you’re having fun.”

“Yeah, I’ve gone on the slide a million times!”

“A million?” Tashi’s eyes widen to show how impressed she is. “I didn’t think that was even possible.”

“It is!  I did it!” Lily jumps around and tugs on Tashi’s hand. “Can we play frisbee?  Daddy said we could play.”

“Did he?” Tashi gives Art a curious look, her eyes lingering on his shoulder, but he just smiles.  He feels a shift in her mood, but he ignores it as he gazes easily at her. “You feel up to that?”

“Of course.” He pushes himself off the ground and goes to the backpack he and Lily packed together.  He doesn’t need to look long before he finds the frisbee, and he pulls it out, avoiding his wife’s gaze. “Alright, Lily-Bug.  Why don’t you go take your place while Mommy and I decide who’s throwing first?”

“Make sure you throw good!” she yells as she runs off, leaving both of her parents behind without a second thought.  Art finally makes himself look at Tashi, and he keeps his face cool, impassive.

“How’d it go this morning?” he asks.

“Fine,” she answers, her eyes searching over his face. “Everyone says hello and sends their love.  Olivia was disappointed Lily wasn’t with me, but I told her I’d bring her over sometime soon so they can have a playdate.”

“Lily will like that.  I know she wanted to go with you.”

“It was too quick of a visit for her to have really enjoyed.  I’ve been meaning to drop off those extra baby clothes for a while and just haven’t had time, and since Kelly’s due next week, I couldn’t keep putting it off any longer.  Oops.” She gives a small shrug.

“Well, you’ve been busy, so I doubt they’re holding it against you.”

“At least I got everything to them before the baby’s born.” Tashi starts walking out to the field to take her place, Art beside her. “So whose idea was it to play frisbee?”

“Lily’s.”

“You sure you’re good for it?” Tashi is careful in how she asks, careful to keep any judgment out of her tone, but Art hears his coach asking him, not his wife, and he feels a quick lick of irritation at the question.

“Yes.” He hopes he doesn’t sound as terse as he feels, but based on the way she purses her lips, he can tell he wasn’t successful. “I’ll be fine.”

“Art.”

“Tashi.” He looks at her, and she looks back at him.  They don’t speak, but neither of them backs down or looks away from the other.  Art loves his wife, and one of the things he loves about her is her stubbornness, but in moments like this, he wishes she were maybe a little less stubborn.  Maybe.  Finally, he sighs, and he gives in. “I’m fine, Tashi.  I’ve been doing well.  I can throw a fucking frisbee with our daughter.”

Her lips press together, forming a thin line, and he knows she’s irritated with him.  He can see her trying to decide whether to fight this out with him, but instead of pushing it, she just nods a single time, and she concedes. “Ok.”

“Mommy!  Daddy!” Lily calls to them from across the field, her impatience evident in her voice, and the tension between them breaks.  

“Just a minute, baby!” Tashi calls back.  She holds her hand out for the frisbee, and Art goes to give it to her.  He really does intend to, but he catches the way Tashi looks relieved, looks pleased at having won, and something about it makes him decide he’s going to win this one.  At the last second, he turns, finds Lily in the field, and with one twist of his body, one swing and delicate flick of his wrist, he throws the frisbee to her.  The movement is familiar, and it actually feels good to use his shoulder for something other than doing his exercises.  The frisbee soars beautifully through the air, and as he watches it, he feels immense satisfaction at knowing he was the one who did that.

Lily starts to run to catch it, and he turns to look at Tashi, a smug smile on his lips.  She still looks irritated, and her gaze drops back down to his shoulder. “You shouldn’t have done that.  What if you’re pushing your shoulder too soon before it’s ready?”

“Hmph,” he grunts noncommittally. “Well, guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m not a fucking pussy.” He pecks her on the cheek and runs off to form his corner of their frisbee triangle before she can keep arguing.  As he turns away from her, he catches a reluctant smile pulling at the corners of her lovely mouth, and he knows that this time he’s won.

“I knew you were overdoing it.”

Tashi leans against the doorway to the living room, her arms folded over her chest as she watches him ice his shoulder on the couch later.

“I didn’t overdo anything.  I would’ve iced it even if I hadn’t played frisbee.”

A lie.

“You overdid it, Art.”

A truth, though one he won’t admit to.

“Baby.” He holds his left hand – his good hand – out to her. “Can you just come here?”

She frowns, but she goes to him.  He keeps his arm held out for her, and she slides into him, tucking herself against him the way she always does, two puzzle pieces fitting together.  Tashi’s body molds perfectly into his, and he never stops marveling at how it’s like they were made for each other.  When he told her this once before, she laughed and brushed it off, but he noticed how she’d then snuggled into him even closer afterwards.  She pulls part of the blanket resting on his lap over her knees, and she looks into his eyes. “I’m worried about you, Art.”

“I’m fine.  I’m icing my shoulder because it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.  I did my exercises today, and I did some preliminary movement to get back in shape for tennis,” he reassures her, though he can see by the way she regards him that his efforts to appease her are unsuccessful.

She continues as if he hasn’t said anything. “You’ve worked too hard in your recovery to just ruin it like this.”

“Tashi.” An edge of warning enters his voice. “Please.  I’m ok.  I’m just icing it.  I’m not compromising my recovery.  It was just frisbee, Tash.  Lily wanted to play frisbee, and I wasn’t going to disappoint her.  We so rarely get to have days like today with her.  I just couldn’t tell her no.”

“She did have a lot of fun today,” she murmurs, losing some of her steam. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen her so happy.”

“Well, it’s been a while since the three of us have really gotten to do anything together.  We’ve always had tennis taking up our time.”

Tashi mulls this over, and she reaches up with her closer hand to play with Art’s hair.  He’s not sure if she realizes she does this, but it’s a habit she’s had ever since they started dating.  The night they’d first had sex, they had lain in each other’s arms afterwards, and she’d just started playing with his hair.  She hasn’t stopped since.  His hair is much shorter now than it was then, but she still runs her fingers through it, still gently drags her fingernails down the shorn back of his skull; she still scratches the nape of his neck like she’s scratching behind a cat’s ears.  He’s putty in her hands when she does this, and tonight isn’t any different.  Art’s eyes close, and his breathing slows as he gives himself over to her touch.  He feels pathetic when she gets him like this, but his surrender is one he gives willingly, one he gives of himself wholly as if he’s offering himself to her on a platter.

“I’m worried about how Lily’s going to take it once you’re playing again,” she says quietly, thoughtfully. “She’s gotten so used to us being around, especially you, and I don’t want her thinking this is the new normal.”

“We kind of talked about that today.”

“What?” Tashi’s hand stills in his hair for just a moment as her eyes sharply cut toward him. “What do you mean?”

“She told me I could quit playing.”

Not taking it seriously, Tashi rolls her eyes, and she relaxes, starting to play with his hair again. “Ha.  Sounds like her.  She’s so bossy.”

“Wonder where she gets that from,” Art says and nudges Tashi with his leg.

She smiles and nudges him back. “Not me, that’s for sure.”

“Speaking of that…she said something today that I wanted to talk to you about.” Art is careful to keep his voice nonchalant.  If he makes what he’s about to say a big deal, then it’s going to be a big deal, but if he mentions it casually, then it won’t be a big deal.  At least, that’s what he mentally tells himself in order to work himself up to it.

Tashi regards him with an uneasy stare. “What did she say?”

“You can’t freak out.”

“Art, you telling me that is just going to make me want to freak out.”

“I just want you to take a moment to sit with it before you react.”

“Art.”

He looks at his wife, looks into her beautiful eyes that are identical to their daughter’s, and he just goes for it. “Today over breakfast, Lily told me she doesn’t want to play tennis anymore.”

Tashi blinks, genuinely taken back. “That’s not true.”

“Tash, I asked you to take a moment before you react.”

“No, you didn’t ask me to.  You said you wanted me to.  What the fuck, Art?”

“What do you mean what the fuck?  I didn’t put her up to it.  She just said it while we were having breakfast.”

“Did she say why?” Tashi demands.  She’s in coach mode now, but Art knows her well enough to know that this is her quickest, easiest defense mechanism.  She keeps it in her pocket to whip out when she hears something she doesn’t like, and she definitely doesn’t fucking like hearing this.

“She said she likes dance better.  Especially tap and ballet.”

Tashi’s face is pinched as she pulls away from him just a little.  She’s still touching him, but she’s far enough away from Art that he has to work just a bit harder to pull her back beneath his arm.  Her mouth sits in a tight frown, the corners of her lips turned down, and her eyebrows pull together as if controlled by a string.  She doesn’t look at him as he pulls her close again, but she doesn’t pull away, either.

“Why didn’t she tell me?” she asks softly after a couple moments.

Art gets it then. Tashi’s reaction isn’t solely because she’s losing another connection to tennis, though he knows her well enough to know that that emotion is brewing beneath the surface of her heart, but more because Lily hadn’t told her herself.  Lily had gone to him and not to her.

“I think maybe a part of her knows how much tennis means to you, and she doesn’t want to disappoint you,” he says gently.

Tashi can’t even say that Lily not wanting to play tennis anymore doesn’t disappoint her because they would both know it’s a lie, and her face falls even more. “She’s got so much talent, Art.  She’s good .  She’s really fucking good.  Far better than I was at her age.”

“I know,” he agrees, keeping his voice soft. “She’s amazing.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that tap sounded really cool.”

Tashi tries to smile, but it doesn’t sit on her mouth the way it should when it’s a real smile.

“I also told her that you love her whether she plays tennis or not.”

She turns her head to look at him then, her face stricken. “Did she think I wouldn’t?”

“No,” he says quickly, hating that that’s the first place her mind goes. “No.  I don’t think she thought that at all.  I think she just knows that you love tennis a lot, and she doesn’t want to make you sad if she doesn’t play anymore.  I just wanted to reassure her that no matter what she does, we both love her.”

“Of course.” A mixture of emotions, messy and tumultuous, passes over Tashi’s face, and she takes a couple moments to steady herself. “Right.  So.  She doesn’t want to play tennis anymore.  That’s…that’s ok.”

“She might decide she wants to play again later on,” he offers.

“Right.  Yeah.” She picks at the threads of the blanket on her lap with one hand, her other hand resting against the back of Art’s neck.  He watches her eyes flutter, her breath quicken, and then she closes her eyes briefly.  He could ask her to talk to him, to let him in on what she’s going through right now, but he doesn’t need to hear her say it when he can read everything she feels across her face like it’s written into her skin in large print.  Grief, devastation, resolve, and acceptance.  She’s done this before, once with herself and then again when the severity of his injury had been confirmed.  She can do it again.  Once again, she will let go of another tether she’s established to keep tennis in her life, even if she’d set it up unconsciously, and this time she’s going to do it for her daughter.

“Dance,” she says, her tone giving nothing away. “Dance.  Ok.  Alright.  We can sign her up for some more classes.”

“She might like that, yeah.”

“I should look at different studios.  What if the one she’s currently at isn’t good enough?” Tashi stops playing with the blanket, and she pulls her phone out, already starting to Google local dance studios with her free hand. “I mean, I looked into it and made sure it was a good studio when we first registered her for her combo class, but I didn’t look to see how it compares to other studios in the area.”

Art watches his wife’s intensity increase as she scrolls through the different search results. “That’s a good point.”

“You know, Shelby Reid’s daughters just down the street are into dance.  I can ask her for studio recommendations.  And Lily specifically mentioned that she’s interested in tap?”

“Yeah, she did.  Tap and ballet.”

“ And ballet?  Ok.  I’ll get in touch with Shelby.  I also think Kaity Quinn from my Pilates class has a daughter who dances.  I’ll ask her, too.” Tashi fully launches into research mode, and Art knows he’s lost her for the evening, but much to his own surprise, he realizes that he doesn’t mind.  Ever since Lily dropped that bombshell on him this morning, he’s been nervous about Tashi’s reaction, but she’s managed to surprise him yet again.  He looks at his wife, and he silently marvels over the woman she is.

He still remembers what he’d felt the first time he saw her walk onto the tennis court 13 years ago, her little white tennis dress showing off her long, muscular legs that even then, he’d wanted to know and memorize in all their glory.  He had been in such awe of her, had wanted to fall to his knees and kiss the ground she walked on, definitely in a metaphorical sense but perhaps even in a literal sense, too.  Sometimes he still feels the urge to do it, to drop to his knees in front of her to show her how devoted he is to her, and it always takes him a few minutes to reconcile himself with the fact that he’s lucky enough to call her his wife .  She married him.  She’s the mother of their child.  Whenever he thinks about it, he can’t breathe, and he has to remind himself that out of all the things she is to him, she’s a human being who’s been through a fucking lot.  His wife is a human being who has lost a love of her life he’ll never be able to relate to, a love that he still gets to indulge in.  Art looks at this human being of a woman who is his wife, and he thinks he would genuinely die for her.

“I’m going to go check on Lily,” he suddenly says, careful as he extricates himself from her, even though it pains him to lose her touch.

She pauses and looks up at him with newly energized eyes. “She was asleep last I checked on her.”

“I know.  I just want to check on her.” He squeezes her knee, his fingertips reverent over her scar even through the blanket, and he stands. “I promised her we still had lots more adventures ahead of us before I go back to tennis, and I want to keep that promise.”

“You’re on the right track to a complete recovery,” she says, sobering. “Even with your frisbee stunt today, you’re healing much more quickly than the doctors thought you would.”

“I know.  I just…I don’t know.  I had to promise it to her.”

“Art…” She looks like she’s going to scold him for making promises to a six year old who believes promises to be the single most binding contract in the entire world, but she bites her lip as she pauses. Her combative energy drains, and he sees her go from being his coach back to his wife.  Her gaze is serious but soft as she drinks in the sight of him.  “You’re a good father.”

Art’s chest aches, and he smiles at her, watching how the lines of her mouth soften as she smiles back.  She’s just received a blow hearing that their daughter, who’s the mini version of her, doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, and she still has the strength to smile at him and tell him he’s a good dad.  He leans down and kisses her forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

He inhales the sweet scent of her hair and then stands to go check on their little girl, leaving Tashi behind on the couch as she dives back into her dance studio research.  He’s silent as he makes his way up the stairs and into Lily’s room.  Her favorite night light is on, and in the gentle glow of the light against the dark, he makes out the shape of her sprawled out across the bed on her stomach and completely lost to the world around her.  She’s managed to kick her blankets off, and Art quietly goes to her to tuck her back in.  He lifts the little pink quilt over her back, and he lowers it, resting his hand against her back for a brief moment.  Lily sighs in her sleep, and he smiles as he watches her settle again.  He takes a moment to look at her, and yet again, he’s stunned to remember that this is his daughter.  His daughter.  This perfect little girl somehow came from him – a miracle – and from Tashi.  Lily Louise Donaldson was created in their love, born of their love, and she’s being raised in their love, even if her childhood has been a bit unconventional so far.

His heart swells with so much love for her that he can’t do anything but take a shaky breath and smooth her hair back from her face.  Earlier, he had made a promise to her to go on more adventures with her before he has to go back to playing tennis, and he intends to keep his promise.  Out of all the promises he’s made to her since he found out Tashi was pregnant, he hasn’t broken any of them, and he doesn’t intend to start now.  He leans down and kisses his baby girl’s cheek.

“Good night, Lily-Bug,” he whispers.

Art crosses to the doorway and pulls the door to a partial close behind him, leaving it cracked just the way she likes it.  With his daughter fast asleep in her bed and his wife rededicating herself to Lily’s new interest downstairs, he can’t help feeling like the luckiest fucking guy in the world.  Injury be damned, he tells himself as he makes his way back down the stairs.  His shoulder twinges, reminding him to ice it again when he gets back to the living room.  

When he enters the living room, Tashi looks up from her phone. “Everything ok?  She still sleeping?”

His smile is warm, reassuring. “She’s perfect.”

Pride fills Tashi’s face as she understands the meaning behind his words, and she pats the spot on the couch next to her where he’d been earlier. “She really is, isn’t she?”

He goes to her and takes his spot with his ice pack back in place, leaning back into the cushions as Tashi curls up against him again like a cat needing to cuddle with her favorite person. “She is.”

“While you were checking on her, I found a couple studios to check into.  I’m still going to talk to Shelby and Kaity, but these look really promising.  What Lily winds up clicking with more will determine which of these will be the better long term fit.  She’s so willowy and graceful for her age that I think ballet would be the better option for her, but tap would be a great way for her to work out all of her energy.  At this point, it’s really up to her, and she’s so athletic that she could be successful at either.  It just depends on what she likes the best,” Tashi explains as she shows him the two different websites.  He looks, but he isn’t really listening, and after a couple moments, Tashi seems to pick up on his inattentiveness because she pauses and looks at him. “What is it?”

“Hmm?”

“You seem distracted.”

“I’m listening!  I am.  I’m just also thinking that…well…you’re a really good mom, Tash.”

Tashi isn’t normally one to be at a loss for words, but this declaration seems to leave her speechless.  She opens her mouth, closes it, and then opens it again as she blinks rapidly at him. “Oh.  Thank you.”

“I’m serious.  I…got the impression that Lily not wanting to play tennis kind of broke your heart earlier, but here you are looking up the best dance schools for her to go to because that’s what she wants to do.  You’re talking about which studio she goes to depends on which dance style she likes the best.  That’s being a really fucking good mom, Tash.”

“I’m just doing what any mom would do,” Tashi says, looking uncharacteristically self-conscious, and Art leans in to press a sweet kiss to her lips.  She’s guarded for just a moment, but then she melts into his kiss and returns it with the same amount of sweetness.

“Regardless of what you think,” he murmurs, pulling away to look at her. “You’re a good mom, baby.  The best.”

He watches his wife’s eyes search his face, and then she briefly presses her palm to the side of his face, her caress against his cheek so gentle that it feels like a kiss in and of itself.  She leans into him even more and rests her head on his shoulder, and as she tells him about all the pros and cons of the different studios, he’s content to listen.  So he does.  He listens to his coach, his wife, and the mother of their daughter speak, and he drinks in everything he can about this moment with her while it lasts.  Before too long, he’ll be back playing tennis again, and moments like these will be rare, and so he soaks it all up and  wonders if days like today are something he could have more permanently.  But thoughts like these are dangerous, and he shuts them down before he gets too lost in them.

Instead, for tonight, he loses himself in the sound of Tashi’s voice.  He loses himself in knowing that he has a promise to keep to their little girl sleeping soundly upstairs.  He loses himself in what it feels like to be a normal husband and a father.  Even if it’s just for one night, Art lets himself forget what it costs to be a tennis player.