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Okay, so. This is how Eddie and Buck get engaged.
It’s Saturday night. Christopher’s at a friends house—Johnny, who’s from Oklahoma and has the silliest, sweetest accent—which means they’ve got the house to themselves. Pizza was ordered and beer was drank and Battleship was watched and dicks were sucked.
Well, dicks were in the process of being sucked, that is, but a little miscommunication between Eddie’s nose and Buck’s bony, meatless ass puts a damper on things.
Buck bucks up, eager like an overexcited puppy, and hits Eddie’s nose right as Eddie’s shimmying down so he can eat Buck out. There’s a snap, crackle, and pop, like those elves in that cereal, and Eddie rears back so fast he flips over and knocks into the wall. His nose pulses once, twice, and then blood pours from both nostrils, down his face and chest and into his lap.
The pain follows immediately after. He’s broken bones before—ribs, arm, hand, ankle, and he’s been told a dislocated shoulder hurts worse than a broken one—but never his nose. It’s scary, pulses of pain and pumps of blood all over the place.
It’s a mess. It’s a crime scene. He’s not scared of blood but he’s about to develop a fear and he kind of wants to crawl into the howl his stunt with parkour left in the wall.
“Is it broke?”
“I don’t know.” There was a crack, one that reminded him of that last fight years ago where he was nearly caught, and his nose feels misshapen, like it needs to be readjusted, but touching it grosses him out so he lets his hands drop. “I think it might be.”
“Oh, my God.”
Eddie looks up at Buck, blinking through tears until Buck’s big body is a somewhat concentrated blur. “I’m not mad,” he says, thick like his nose is stuffed with snot, and winces as blood continues to flow. “Just call for an ambulance.”
He’s being pretty chill about the whole situation—you know, having his nose broken by his boyfriend’s ass because said boyfriend is a whore for having his hole licked before they get into it—but Buck definitely is not being chill.
Like, at all.
Which is why they need the ambulance. Eddie is in no shape to drive and Buck—well, he isn’t, either, and as much as leather is easy to clean he’s not keen on getting blood in either of their vehicles right now.
“Oh, my God,” Buck says, again, and spins in a cute little circle that makes his dick flop as he looks for something Eddie can’t see. “My dick broke you.”
“Your dick did not break me.”
“My dick did so break you.”
Eddie sighs, coughs, and spits out a mix of blood and phlegm onto a pile of clothes on the floor. “Your dick didn’t break me,” he says, again, too, because he’s just as much fucked up about this as Buck is. “I was gonna eat you out, not suck your dick.”
“I know that, but we can’t tell people that’s what happened!”
He frowns. “Why would we tell anybody?”
“They’re gonna ask why your nose is broken!”
Eddie blinks. “Oh.” He swallows and tastes blood heavy on the back of his tongue. “Call an ambulance, please.”
Buck spurs into action, rushing around the room naked and dick-flapping. He looks silly, absolutely ridiculous, dialing 911 with one hand while he tries to pull on a pair of shorts with the other, and Eddie falls a little more in love with the silly man.
(He can’t help it. Buck’s everything he’s always wanted, a best friend and boyfriend and partner all rolled up into one, and he’s never been scared of growing old, not really, but with Buck he can see it, years and years down the line, and he’s excited for the rest of their lives because his future is with buck. A broken nose isn’t going to change that.)
Buck gets dispatch to send a unit out around the same time he manages to have both legs in his shorts. He throws on a hoodie and helps Eddie stand, acting as a pillar of balance while Eddie squeezes his nose with one hand and pulls his sweats back on with the other.
The unit arrives and it’s a pair of newborn probies still green around the gills. They usher Eddie out of the house and into the back of the ambulance so fast Buck can’t keep up and trips over his own two feet, scraping his knees and skinning the palms of his hands.
One of the paramedics—Felker—sighs when he sees Buck’s display of discombobulated clumsiness. “Just get in the back, dude.”
Buck scrambles to his feet and hops into he back of the unit. Eddie notices belatedly he’s wearing Christopher’s bass flip-flops they got at the feed store as a joke and laughs so hard he chokes on the blood. The driver—Covey, Eddie thinks he read—shuts the doors and heads for the driver’s seat.
Felker gets Eddie situated on the stretcher, elevated and strapped in, and hands Buck a couple alcohol pads for his knees and hands. The ambulance whines when it’s put into gear; Covey hits the gas a little too hard and sends the three of them lurching forward.
Everything is quiet, and then the kid calls, “It’s only my third shift,” as if that’s reason enough to run right through a stop sign.
Eddie shuts his eyes and tries to breathe as much as he can with a fucked up nose. “Is it broke?” he asks Felker.
Felker winces. “I don’t even know, pal. You’ve got so much blood all over the place I can’t tell.” She fiddles with something off to the side and comes back with a sterile cloth. She guides his hands away from his face and cleans around his nose kindly, gently, with a sweet touch that hurts only a little. “It sure looks broke.”
“Don’t touch it,” he says, a little too fast for his liking. It’s just that—hey, listen close, okay; he’s fine, and he’s healing, and it’s not linear, oh no, but it’s working, and that last fight in the cage with the man he nearly killed isn’t going to leave him any time soon. He’s scared. Kinda. “A doctor can set it.”
She nods. “If you insist, Diaz.” She tosses the dirty cloth away and presses a clean patch of gauze under his nose. “Keep your head back. You want any pain medicine?”
“Please.”
She fiddles about in the cabinets for some painkillers and then turns back to him with an unopened packet of Tylenol and a bottle of water. Felker helps him tear open the pocket and swallow the pills down without choking, and sets the bottle of water to the side.
“What happened, anyway?”
Eddie sighs and opens his mouth to answer, but Buck beats him to it.
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything. Felker glances at Buck, brow raised. Buck takes that as a sign to begin yapping.
“My dick broke him,” Buck begins, and it’s as if a levee breaks and floodwaters rush through. “We were about to have sex ‘cause our kid’s out of the house for the weekend and I was on my back and he was between my legs and he was about to, uh, lick me, and I got excited and bucked up and broke his nose.”
Felker blinks, once, unimpressed and deadpan. “Buck bucked, huh,” she says beneath her breath, lets out a little chuckle, and shakes her head. “This isn’t the first time sex has sent somebody to the ER today. I doubt it’s going to be the last.”
Buck must not hear her because he continues on his rant, talking so fast he’s mixing up the words and stuttering through entire sentences. Eddie drops his head down just a bit to watch his boyfriend, his best friend, the man he adores, and yeah, he looks ridiculous sputtering nonsense and wiping at his damaged knees, but Eddie loves him in spite of that silliness.
He chuckles. “Can you believe this is the man I’m going to marry?” he asks, hooking his thumb toward Buck. “I’m so lucky.”
“I didn’t know you two were engaged,” she says offhandedly, watching Buck work himself into a tizzy. “Congrats, man.”
“Oh, we’re not. I haven’t even bought a ring yet. I just know I’m going to marry him.”
Felker shrugs, but Buck makes a noise like he’s dying and both of them turn their attention toward him.
“You want to marry me?”
Eddie nods. “Yeah.”
Buck puts a hand to his chest, as if clutching nonexistent pearls. “Even though my dick broke you?”
Felker makes a sound in the back of her throat. Eddie sighs. Buck blinks his big blue eyes, unaware of the sparkles that catch in the corners. Eddie sighs again. Felker smothers her laughter with the back of her hand. Eddie sighs again again. Buck puts his hand on Eddie’s ankle and squeezes, hopeful and moon-eyed. Eddie sighs again again again.
“I don’t think your dick broke him,” Felker soothes, as best as she can. “I don’t think that’s something that can happen.”
“Says you,” Buck replies. “You weren’t there.”
She drops her shoulders. “I wish I wasn’t here, either.”
Eddie sighs again again again again. He’s almost out of fucking breath. Buck’s going to kill him.
“Your dick did not break me,” he says for the umpteenth time, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. That’s not a particularly good idea at the moment and, contrary to popular belief, Eddie does have some sense, the incident with Kim not withstanding. “But yeah, Buck, of course I want to marry you. I love you, baby. You’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
Buck sniffles and wipes the snot from his nose. “Yeah?” He laughs. “That’s good ‘cause I love you and I want to marry you, too.”
Something bubbles up in Eddie’s tummy and he looks toward Felker. “Can I kiss him?”
“Knock yourself out. We’re almost at the hospital, anyway.”
Eddie nods, aware of the consequences, and leans up off the gurney. He meets Buck in the middle and kisses him fiercely all the way to the hospital, where it’s unclear who is injured between the two of them because they’re both covered in blood and grinning like the cat that’s got the cannery.
They decide to send Felker an invitation to the wedding and, months later, she shows up with her girlfriend, Dr. McGee, the one who set Eddie’s nose. Everything goes well until they express how happy they are Buck’s dick didn’t break Eddie, loudly, in front of everyone, and oh, what a scene that causes. Eddie and Buck are never going to live it down. Chim won’t let them.