Archive of Our Own

Hyunjin hears first a very annoying beeping. He thinks it is his alarm but he would never put such a bland sound as a morning alarm - he is more of blasting very loud music to make sure he wakes up, kind of person. It is as bad as the ticking of the ancient clock that somehow always seems to be in the same room as him when he was younger and was sleeping at his grandparents’ house. He wants to move and put the pillow over his ears but when he tries, he feels his left leg holding back by something heavy and a sting in his right hand. 

It acts like an electroshock in his body and his memories rush back in his mind. He remembers the performance that is scheduled to be held in a few weeks, the workshops he had worked on with Felix and Minho for months, combined with their usual dance classes. Having this performance gig is actually one of their biggest achievements. He also remembers working overtime in the studio they rent, he remembers Felix telling him to take it easy and rest more, and Minho disapproving looks when he still stayed and danced afterwards. He remembers dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, until he had no air left in his lungs, until the counts were printed in his mind and the rhythm of the music in his flesh, until his body was dancing all by its own. Muscle memory and everything.

Hyunjin remembers when the easiest part of the choreography made his left calf burn, and when he decided to keep on dancing since it was probably just nothing. 

Uh. 

He opens his eyes very slowly, his eyelids feel heavy like they are made of lead. He sees white walls and neon lights. 

Surely, it was not nothing. He needs a few seconds to get used to the bright lights, then he sees his left leg is elevated and immobilized. He must be on painkiller meds because he only feels a light discomfort and no longer the throbbing pain he felt yesterday while dancing. Was it yesterday? He is completely confused, his mind is like a foggy field. Behind the curtains, through the window he can see daylight piercing through the edges.

Hyunjin’s been dancing long enough to know that an immobilized leg, hospital and painkillers are not synonymous to good news. He turns his head, the sting on his right hand is where the IV needle is, he fights the urge to take it out or scratch it. He’s already been to the hospital before, but as a kid, only for small operations, with his parents in the room reassuring him and the doctors amusing him with plushies. Colourful drawings and soft voices is what he recalls from those moments over the fear and the pain. It is different today, there is no one to hold him and caress his hair. He is an adult, there’s no reason why he would be allowed to burst into tears. The frightening part is the fact that he can not remember what happened so he can not judge how worried he should be. Injuries while dancing had always been his worst fear, they could be life changing.

“He’s awake!” a voice says, surely too loud for the atmosphere. It makes someone else shush the voice. Hyunjin hears an apology. 

“Hyunjin, hey.”

This time he sees Felix’s face above him. He looks worried, confused. Hyunjin can relate, he thinks bitterly.

“Hey,” he groans. 

“How do you feel?” 

Another face shows up, Minho. His expression is more unreadable, which is not much of a surprise.

“Like I’ve been rolled over by a car and I could sleep for a year, otherwise, I’m fine.” 

Minho snorts. Felix does not even repress a smile, Hyunjin understands the situation must be pretty serious. If the pain shooting in his left leg was not enough for it. 

“I hurt myself dancing, right?” he asks. He feels his throat dry, it is not just the thirst.

The oldest one crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“You don’t remember?” Felix wonders.

“I’m not sure, I remember dancing yesterday and I felt pain in my calf but it was nothing unbearable so I kept going and then…”

Minho sighs, there is a disapproving look on his face now. Hyunjin looks away.

“Don’t say it,” he tells him, “I know I should have stopped when I felt the pain.”

“You tore your muscle.”

It is a dry statement. There is silence.

“Well, that’s…How bad is it?” he eventually asks even if he knows the answer. If he has been rushed to the hospital, he must have somehow passed out at some point. With the exhaustion and stress he had been feeling for weeks, he does not need to be a genius to understand that his mind broke when his muscle did. He still feels a faint hope in the back of his mind, muscle tears can still be superficial and not in need of surgery, a lot of athletes have these kinds of injuries and still manage to go back to their sport.

“We just got here,” Felix whispers, he hesitates, “we have not seen your doctors actually because…”

Hyunjin sees him exchanging a look with Minho. He frowns.

“You just got here? But who brought me to the hospital?”

“We got a call an hour ago, we were worried because we had no news from you this morning but we thought you were sleeping, so…”

Felix has never been very good at lying or hiding anything, Hyunjin can tell from his entire body language, from the way the words sound in his mouth to the way he plays with his hair nervously.

“What Felix is trying to say is that someone who works in our studio’s building found you passed out during the night, they called the hospital, who called your emergency contact and…”

Hyunjin opens and closes his mouth. Slowly the information makes its way to his foggy brain, there it bursts into a thousand thoughts until the right one finally manages to be understandable. The emergency contact. He tries to stand up a bit but he can not anymore. At that moment, he sees a familiar yet very distant silhouette lingering around the door. Seungmin. Maybe he could pass out again, yes, that would definitely be a very great idea.

Felix and Minho see the way his eyes change and they look behind them, once again they exchange an unspoken conversation. Minho nods his head, “we have to take care of some things in the studio, so we will let you two alone. We’ll be back tonight, okay? Rest well.”

Hyunjin wants to scream at them to stay here, but the words are stuck in his throat. The feelings he has been suppressing for the past months, the same ones that he had carefully put away under a thousand layers of things to do, things to think of, things to take care of, bubble their way up to his heart. He is too physically and emotionally drained to be able to stop the simmering. He watches his friends grab their stuff and walk out the door, making sure they do not cross Seungmin’s eyes who is still standing awkwardly in the doorway. Hyunjin is not sure exactly what is going on. He is not sure why he is not stopping them, or telling him to go away instead. Time stretches weirdly. It takes a thousand of years for Minho and Felix to leave the hospital room, but simply one millisecond for him to be brought back months ago.

“I’m sorry,” are the first words that come out of Seungmin’s mouth. 

Hyunjin frowns. Definitely not the words he had thought Seungmin would say to him after so long. 

“I should have left before,” Seungmin adds, “but I heard you were awake, I wanted to check up on you.”

Oh . He is not sure what to say but the silence is heavy, uncomfortable. His mouth is dry, he hates that he finds himself thinking of the time the silence between them used to be a home. Seungmin is looking away, Hyunjin stares at him, he can not help himself. He has not seen Seungmin in a year. He stares at the way his gaze goes to Hyunjin’s immobilized leg, then to the window, outside, far away, and how he nevervously plays with his fingers. How he anxiously bites his lower lip, and his feet can not stay put like his body and mind can not agree on leaving or staying. Hyunjin also reads in his eyes and features his discomfort and, maybe he is being delusional, but he wonders if Seungmin still cares and if this fear is not just because of the uncomfortable situation but also because he is lying on a hospital bed. 

“I’m fine,” he says. 

“Right,” Seungmin answers immediately, “well, then…”

He is interrupted by a nurse entering the room. She looks at Seungmin weirdly with the way he stands in the doorframe. 

“Mr Hwang, you’re awake,” she greets Hyunjin in a very soft voice, “the doctor is coming to explain the situation.” 

“Why? Can’t you just tell me? Why do I have to wait?” 

 “I think it’s better to wait for the doctor. She’ll be there any minute now.” 

She then gets busy checking the machines and IVs around Hyunjin. He stares at her with panic, not really understanding why she would not at least just reassure him. His brain plays the worst scenarios possible, he goes through any kind of injuries he has heard in his life as a dancer, contemplates any outcome possible. Minho said it was a muscle tear, and sure it is Hyunjin’s first time having one but once again, it is a frequent injury for dancers and athletes, surely the nurse could explain it without a doctor. He feels jittery and the fact that he can not physically move makes it even more frustrating and anxiety inducing. 

“I should go then,” he hears Seungmin say. 

He feels selfish for wanting him to stay, for not wanting to be alone with whatever is going to happen in a few minutes. It is mixed with a sudden anger because he should have just left while he was sleeping instead of letting him see him, letting him even think that he might still care. He also is upset about Felix and Minho leaving, even if he realizes it might not be justified at all. Mostly, he resents himself for ending up in this situation. For not changing his emergency contact before, for overdoing it with the dancing, for getting used to the pain to the point he did not worry earlier about it.

“It’d be great if you could stay with him,” the nurse tells Seungmin.

She does not notice how the tension in the room suddenly rises up, and even if the beeping of Hyunjin’s heart on the machine seems to beat more quickly, she does not say anything about it. If Seungmin wants to protest this, he does not have the time to do so, as a doctor enters the room.

“Mr Hwang Hyunjin?” she asks, looking up from the file to stare at him.

He nods with difficulty. His head hurts and his heart is beating fast in his chest, he feels hot and cold at the same time, and, fuck, he really wants to move his leg.

“You have been admitted for a grade two muscle strain. We believe the exhaustion state you were in was what made you pass out completely instead of the injury itself. We’ve given you some pain medicine, and elevated it to reduce the swelling of the muscle.”

She pulls out from the file some echography images, “you can also see it on the scan images.”

He tries to focus on it but all he sees are blurry black and white stripes and forms, some colorful spots that he does not know what they mean, still he nods at it since she seems to be waiting for his approval.

“What does it mean?”

The question comes from Seungmin. The doctor turns to him like she was just noticing him in the room, Hyunjin is not sure either when Seungmin had stepped in the room, but he is not surprised to hear him ask such a practical question. He himself feels like his throat is blocked, emotions clogging up, preventing any word from escaping his lips.

“You’re Kim Seungmin, Mr Hwang’s emergency contact? Do you live together?”

“Uh,” Seungmin whispers.

“No,” Hyunjin says at the same time.

“Okay,” his doctor continues like it is nothing. Surely for her it is not anything after all, even if the tears that Hyunjin desperately fights against eventually start rolling down his cheeks, she would assume that it is about the diagnosis she is giving. Not about the fact that if this had happened just a few months ago, the answer would have been yes.

But a few months ago, Hyunjin would have never end up in an hospital bed because Seungmin would have been in his life and even if Hyunjin would have still struggled with overworking himself, he would have had a very good reason to go back home and not stay in the studio dancing alone. 

“Sorry for the intrusive question,” she explains herself, “it’s just that the only way for this injury to not get even worse than it is, by that I mean needing surgery, is for Mr Hwang to rest. It is going to be a long recovery. Since it is the leg, even walking will be complicated, we will give you crutches but if you can have any exterior help for daily necessities…”

“How long? The recovery?” he asks with a sore throat. The performance is in a few weeks, this can not be how it ends, doctors are always using strong worrying words to make sure their patients will follow their advice.

“It’s difficult to say exactly.”

“How long?” He repeats, his voice is not the nicest right now and he realizes it but he can not do anything about it, he does not even care right now. 

The doctor does not seem to be bothered by it either, her gaze gets more serious, “it’ll be at least two months before we can say the injury is healed, and this is not counting the physical therapy you’ll have to do to regain full strength in the muscle. Two months without it worsening will mean no surgery, but it does not mean going back to regular practice.”

Hyunjin feels like the world collapses around him. His entire world is dancing, his passion, his job, his purpose, he has nothing else. Now this person looks directly into his eyes and tells him he has to stop it, and she says it like it is the most simple thing to do. 

“No,” he tells her, “this can’t be.”

He tries to move, his leg is still immobilized, and surely he pulls a bit too harshly on the IV line, because the nurse immediately runs next to his side. He jerks out when she tries to touch him, he faintly hears her warn him about the IV lines, but he does not register any of her words. 

“I can not stop dancing,” he stutters. 

His eyes sting with tears, and then he feels the pain in his leg. Maybe he’s moved his leg too much and the medicine could not handle all this but it is a shooting burn in his muscle, it makes the whole thing real and he lets out a desperate cry. 

“You need to calm down, sir,” the nurse says urgently, “you might hurt yourself.” 

Her voice might be calm, it does not do anything to calm him down. 

Until Hyunjin feels a hand reaching to his cheek. The touch is delicate and gentle, and awfully terribly familiar. At that contact his whole body settles before his brain can even process what is happening. The hand dries the tears that are rolling down his cheek, and slowly he stops fighting.

“It’s okay, Hyunjin,” Seungmin whispers slowly, “it’s gonna be okay.” 

***

Hyunjin spends the next day almost constantly sleeping. At some point he hears the doctor talking to Minho and Felix, he has no idea when they got there, that he will be able to leave the hospital sooner than later. That it is just procedure considering the exhaustion state he got in that they keep him longer than just one night, and it has nothing to do with monitoring his injury. He wonders if she had told them everything about the situation or if he has to do it. He decides to just go back to sleep. 

It is later that he wakes up for real, he still feels tired but he feels the beginning of a pulsing headache and dryness in his mouth. He groans. There is no one in the room, his door is closed and the quietness, except for the machine’s beeping, is a bit overwhelming. He feels completely disoriented. 

When someone knocks on the door, he can only answer with a weird sound. The person still opens it anyway.

“Hey,” Seungmin tells him. He smiles a bit but Hyunjin can see that is simply a polite gesture, “I just…” 

He moves the hand that is holding the bouquet.

“I got off from work and I wanted to bring you flowers, before visiting hours end.” 

“That’s thoughtful,” Hyunjin answers. 

His voice is a bit raspy after not talking for several hours. Outside, the sun is slowly starting to set, he has probably slept all day long. There is no sign of Minho and Felix anywhere. On the chair next to his bed, he recognizes one of his backpacks. It was not there before, maybe one of his friends had gone to his place and brought back stuff. Seungmin stands awkwardly, Hyunjin realizes that there are already two bouquets on the wardrobe in front of his hospital bed, a bit bigger than Seungmin’s, yet not as pretty, he thinks. 

“Should I put them…” Seungmin starts, making his way toward the wardrobe. 

If he puts the bouquet there, the flowers would get lost among the others. Hyunjin does not like the idea. 

“Put it on the table,” he interrupts. 

Seungmin looks surprised when Hyunjin points to the side table near the chair, but he nods. Carefully, he places the bouquet there. Hyunjin admires in silence the delicate movements. From where he is lying, he can see in the middle of the yellow petals, a note. Curiosity eats him up, even if he tries to scoot a bit on the side, the handwriting is too tiny and it seems like Seungmin might be making sure on purpose that the note stays hidden, or turned on the side of the flower shop brand. 

“It’s very pretty,” he whispers when Seungmin is done arranging the bouquet in the vase. 

Seungmin’s face lights up with a smile, relieved, “you told me so much about flowers so…” 

He interrupts himself and looks away. Hyunjin opens his mouth and closes it immediately. He keeps at home books about flower language. He found interest in flowers mostly because he enjoyed painting them at first, he does not keep a lot of houseplants in his apartments, too much of a hassle, and flower bouquets are too expensive to be bought and replaced. So he paints them instead. He liked to work on colors and shapes, then he got curious about which mix he could make and why, thus the flower language books. Seungmin always listened to his explanations whenever Hyunjin was ranting about it, and he knows that Seungmin has a good memory and is a good listener. Still he did not think Seungmin would bother to remember after a year. 

“Anyway,” Seungmin goes on, “you must be tired. I should probably let you rest.” 

He waves awkwardly and the words escape Hyunjin’s mouth before he can process them, “I’m not, I slept all day.”

Seungmin blinks at him. It is too late to go backward now. 

“You could stay, if you want, until visiting hours are over, of course,” he mutters, “I don’t really feel like being alone with, well…” 

He winces and moves his head. The second Seungmin will leave the room, Hyunjin knows very well he will not be able to ignore reality by falling into slumber. He does not want to deal with that, not right now. 

“Oh,” the other man lets out, “it’s, uh…” 

Hyunjin can feel his heart beating fast in his chest, he slightly moves his body up, so he is not totally lying in his bed. He tries to find a bit of composure, he does not think it is really working in his favor. 

“You don’t have to if you can’t, or if you don’t want to,” he adds quickly, “I’m sure I just can fall back to sleep.”

It was stupid to ask such a thing from Seungmin. They haven’t seen each other for an entire year. For all he knows Seungmin might have changed his job and need to work overtime after his day, or maybe he has new hobbies that he has to attend or would rather do than spend an evening in a hospital room. Maybe Seungmin is dating.

This last idea hurts his heart way too much for someone who claims he has moved on. Which he has, definitely. It is just entirely different to move on when the person does not exist anymore in his life and when said person is now standing in front of him. Plus, he is hurt, exhausted, under pain medicine. Everyone would be confused. Blame him.

“I can stay.” 

He does not say he wants to. Hyunjin ignores it. He smiles, relieved, it does not matter, he does not want to be alone, not right now. Seungmin puts down his own bag, and then pushes the chair a bit closer from the bed. He stares at the backpack on it, then at Hyunjin.

“It’s mine,” he shrugs, “maybe Minho or Felix went over to my place.” 

He extends his hand, and Seungmin immediately grabs the bag. He puts it on the side of Hyunjin’s bed. He then reaches for the bed’s remote control, when Hyunjin tries to move a bit too much to adjust his position, he simply puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, as he looks at the remote. It takes him just a second before he finds the way to bring the bed up a bit. He stops it when it looks like Hyunjin is sitting.

“Nice,” Hyunjin tells him, “thanks.” 

“I’m putting this here,” Seungmin says, showing the remote near the bed, “so you can adjust the bed anytime by yourself, if you need it.” 

Hyunjin nods. He grabs the backpack and pulls out some of the stuff in it. Few clothes first, bathroom stuff from skincare products to his hair brush and some pretty accessories to tie up his hair, it makes him smile.

“Ribbons?” Seungmin notices. 

“Yeah, I was scrolling and saw a bunch of ads for it, and since my hair kept getting longer I thought I would try because it looked so pretty,” he explains, “it kinda became an obsession.” 

Seungmin looks at him with soft eyes, “I can imagine how pretty it is.”

It is a very quiet comment and if Hyunjin had been fumbling in the bag at that moment he would have probably not heard it over the noise, but he does hear it. He blushes and decides not to add anything else. In the bag there are also a few books, one is his favorite, one is the book that was on his nightstand for the past two weeks, and the last one is one that Minho told him to read for months. It makes him laugh. 

“This one is so good,” Seungmin says, pointing at the last one. 

“Really?” 

Seungmin’s face lights up, “yeah, I could not close the book while I was reading it so I did not sleep much for a little week. Worth it, though. The plot can get a bit sad, but the whole story is so sweet, and the emotions are very well depicted. It was a beautiful read.” 

Hyunjin mindlessly strokes the book cover, Seungmin seems a bit lost in his thoughts, “I’ll make sure to read it, seems like I’ll have the time to stay in bed for that.” 

“Right.” 

Seungmin bites his lower lip, embarrassed. 

“No, wait, I didn’t mean it as a pitiful comment or anything,” he corrects himself, “it’s sincere.” 

A tension builds up in the air, Seungmin sits down on the chair, while Hyunjin tries to keep himself busy by taking out every last thing in the bag. A very damaged deck of cards, his graphic tablet and a transportable painting kit plus his notebook. It is extremely cute and thoughtful, however he is not entirely sure he will be able to use watercolors in his hospital bed. He also hopes he will not stay there long enough for him to start needing to paint. 

“I’m really sorry that it happened to you,” Seungmin suddenly says, “the injury.” 

“Yeah, well, me too,” he answers, playing nervously with the straps of his bag, “I pushed too hard. That’s what you used to warn me about, right? That if I’m not more careful I’ll end up, well, in a hospital bed.” 

He tries to laugh it off but the sound that comes out of his mouth is nothing like a happy one. He shrugs.

“I never meant for it to really happen,” Seungmin mutters. 

“I know. You cared.” 

He does not feel comfortable with where this conversation is going. He wanted Seungmin to stay to keep his mind out of the situation.

“I still care.”

The shock must be visible on Hyunjin’s face, he does not try to hide it. Still Seungmin holds his gaze, and Hyunjin is not sure what it really means. “Thank you,” he just says. He wants to add more questions but he does not, it is a slippery road.

Seungmin makes a movement toward him, Hyunjin holds his breath, but then Seungmin changes his mind and grabs the card game, “should we play?”

***

“So,” Minho clears his throat. 

Hyunjin raises his eyes from the card games he is playing with Felix - Felix is losing but at this point it feels like he is doing it on purpose, after all Hyunjin is the bedridden one, he can at least win there - and raises an eyebrow.

“Yes?” he says since Minho’s not saying anything else, which is unusual. 

“When were you going to tell us?” 

Felix draws a card, but he is not really looking at it, just puts it mechanically in his hand, he seems more interested in what Minho has to say. Hyunjin frowns.

“Tell you what?” He puts down one of his cards.

“Well,” the oldest makes a sign of the head toward the flower bouquet that is on top of the little table, right beside where Minho is sitting. Seungmin’s bouquet. 

There are a few other bouquets in the room, but Hyunjin has asked the nurse to put them all on top of the wardrobe. Only this one is by itself, he does not say that it is because he can see it more easily that way. He has not seen if Minho has looked at the card that is in the bouquet. During the day he had asked the nurse to bring him the card, it said nothing more than a get well soon but it is written neatly in Seungmin’s handwriting. It’s nothing and so much at the same time. 

He hums, pretending to focus on the cards, like he is not sure what Minho is implying. Unfortunately, Felix has stopped playing. He hears Minho sighing. 

“Do I really have to force it out of you?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Hyunjin answers slowly. 

It is just a coincidence, he is ready to say if Minho insists, that Seungmin’s bouquet has ended up on the side table and not with the others. It does not mean anything, there was no space left when he received it. It also does not mean anything that Seungmin gave him flowers, or that he came himself to give them to Hyunjin, that he stayed until the nurse had to kick him out of the hospital and that he promised to come back. 

Minho huffs, “since when have you been seeing Seungmin again?” 

Hyunjin lets out a weird sound, taken by surprise, “what?” 

“Yeah, well,” Felix adds awkwardly, “the fact that he was there first when you got injured and then we’ve seen him around in the hospital…”

“His bouquet, it’s gorgeous by the way, when did he come to visit?”

Hyunjin shrugs. 

“Listen, you don’t have to tell us everything, even if, weird when you don’t,” Felix goes on, “but we’re just worried because…” 

He bites his lip, eating up the rest of his sentence. He looks away. 

“Because we had to pick you up piece by piece when you two broke up last year,” Minho finishes for him. He also directly stares into Hyunjin’s eyes. 

Felix coughs awkwardly, “yeah this.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” Hyunjin bitterly mutters. 

“Sorry,” Minho tells him, not sounding sorry at all. But he does look concerned, “and this is not me telling you what is right or wrong, you’re a grown man, you can make your decisions by yourself without anyone interfering. If you want to get back together with Seungmin even after the breakup, it’s your call. It’s just, we’re friends, so, talk to us, okay?” 

“Okay,” Hyunjin says. 

He is not sure why he is not denying anything Minho is saying. He is not seeing Seungmin at all, even less dating him. Sure the latter still comes up to the hospital and stays with him and they talk like they have not spent the past year estranged, they talk like it had never ended or maybe like they had decided to stay friends, which they could not, they both agreed on. Maybe Seungmin is only doing all this out of pity after hearing the doctor orders and seeing Hyunjin cry for hours when he understood how long he would not be dancing, and missing out on the performance gig. Hyunjin feels too weak both emotionally and physically to not indulge into his presence. 

He loves his friends, they are amazing, understanding and patient. They stay there in the hospital playing cards with him and talking about anything but the performance or the schedule being messed up because of Hyunjin’s injury, Hyunjin’s mistake. They do not complain about it, nor put any blame on him when they could, when they should, because Hyunjin surely does. Still, they are not Seungmin. And right now, it probably is extremely selfish from him, he needs both. 

It does not give him a satisfying answer as to why he does not tell Minho that nothing is going on between him and Seungmin. He could tell him that his ex has been visiting as a friend - an acquaintance?- but it feels wrong.

“Felix, it’s your turn to play,” he says. 

The blonde looks back at Minho who shakes his head, “right, I’m gonna whoop your ass now,” he jokes. 

Hyunjin pulls his tongue at him which makes them both laugh. They let the other conversation die on this. 

***

“Thank you for driving me home,” Hyunjin says when Seungmin parks in front of his apartment building. 

“No problem,” Seungmin answers as he turns off the car engine, “I didn’t realize you stayed here.” 

Hyunjin swallows his saliva. It makes a weird noise that in the silence he is sure can be distinctly heard, “yeah,” he scoffs. 

He had hoped, after giving the address to Seungmin and seeing the confused look on his face when he recognized it - how could he not? they had shared that apartment for years - yet not saying anything, that maybe Seungmin would keep on acting like it was nothing. Hyunjin thought for a while that it was nothing, just a convenience, when they broke up, he had the excuse of being too emotional and broken to look for another apartment. Minho offered his place and at the beginning Hyunjin did stay there a lot, sleeping with him until he felt ashamed of acting and looking like a baby even if Minho is his best friend and never judged him or made him feel like he was a burden. And he started to hate the way his friends would look at him, like he was some broken person, he hated the reflection of himself in their eyes even if they did not mean it. So, he went back home . 

Home felt weird, home felt strange, home felt unknown, yet at the same time it was still home. Hyunjin stayed. He stayed there. Maybe more than he realized. 

“Well, it is a nice apartment,” Seungmin comments.

“Of course, you made sure of it,” Hyunjin answers. 

“Exactly, it’s better that you’re still living here than some strangers enjoying that nice balcony in the summer.” 

When Hyunjin sees him smile, it encourages him to laugh at the joke, and Seungmin eventually follows. It feels a bit awkward but it takes out a weight Hyunjin did not notice he had on his chest. He wishes they could just laugh forever and he would not have to leave the car, leave Seungmin but eventually their laughter did die down. Hyunjin unfastens his seatbelt immediately, he does not want the void to be filled with awkwardness, he would rather rip the bandage quickly. Then he realizes that he can not do anything quickly anymore.

His left leg is tightly bandaged, his crutches are somewhere in the back of the car, and so is his bag with his keys inside. Just getting out of the hospital earlier, with Seungmin and a nurse's help, was a hassle, he can not imagine doing all of this by himself. Every movement is a hundred times more painful, more complicated and more energy draining. It is so frustrating and upsetting, he wants to break down into tears every time his brain goes for an easy movement and his body is stopped by the pain. Several times his friends, and Seungmin, thought he was crying because of the injury, the pain, which made them worry. Hyunjin did not want to tell them that it was not that. Of course, the pain was awful, but physical pain is manageable, the medicine helps a lot, so does the compression and elevating his leg. What was not is the sensation of being stuck inside his own body, losing his independence because he can not even stand up without human help or crutches, and every day that he has spent lying down in a hospital bed was a day closer to completely losing his mind. 

“I’ll help you upstairs,” Seungmin eventually breaks the silence. 

Before Hyunjin can say anything, he opens the door and gets out of the car. Not even a minute later, he hears the passenger door on his side opening. He turns around and sees Seungmin grabbing the crutches, he lets that door open, and opens Hyunjin’s door. He extends his hand. 

For a moment they stare at each other and it feels like it is Hyunjin’s first time seeing Seungmin’s face so clearly in a while. Without the hospital neon lighting, without dozing off because of the meds side effect, without tears blurring his vision. Seungmin’s beautiful. It hurts as much as the rest, yet it warms him up entirely that these brown eyes looking at him, expectantly, have the same gaze as they used to. He knows very well that the warmth comes from a very dangerous fire, yet he does not hesitate when he grabs the hand and he holds on tight as Seungmin helps him out of the car. 

Hyunjin rests on the side of the car, while Seungmin grabs the bag. He fumbles a bit with the crutches until Seungmin holds him on one side as he finds the right balance. 

“Good?” 

“Yeah,” he mutters, not very convinced. 

Seungmin lets go of his touch, and he immediately misses it. He waits for him to close every door and lock the car, “go first,” Seungmin tells him. 

Hyunjin nods and quietly moves forward. A few months ago he would have probably made a joke, or said something sarcastic and Seungmin would have teased him back in return. Definitely, Seungmin would have not let go of his hold even if it meant both struggling to walk. His face and his eyes are the same but the rest is completely different. 

Oddly enough, even if his entire life has been about dancing and making extremely unwise decisions - something Seungmin had once teased him with, because it is true that any bet would probably make him do the stupidest thing - it is his first time walking with crutches. Any other injury he has ever had was very superficial, twisting his ankle once or twice because of a heavy dance practice, some muscle pain because he had not spent enough time stretching after. He learned to be more careful with time. Surely not enough. 

He feels Seungmin presence near him, it is a bit overwhelming. He moves slowly and feels like he is about to fall every two meters, he tries to focus on his steps but his thoughts keep getting back to Seungmin and making sure he does not bother him too much by being so slow. They are lucky it is not raining, he thinks.

“Take your time, Hyunjin,” Seungmin tells him, “it’s okay.” 

He huffs, he already is exhausted and he has only walked toward the building entrance, “my keys are in the side pocket of my bag.” 

He hears Seungmin looking for them, he tries to keep himself in balance on his crutches, with much difficulty, while the other man unlocks the front door. He lets him go first, so Seungmin can hold the door while Hyunjin gets inside. He makes his way toward the elevator with a last sigh. 

“Fuck,” he grumbles. 

“It’s okay.” 

Hyunjin shakes his head, “it really is not, I’m exhausted just by walking from the car to my own apartment, I can’t move like I want to, nothing’s okay.” 

The elevator dings and the door opens. His throat is burning.

“You’re right,” Seungmin says, adjusting the bag on his shoulder, “it’s not okay, your leg isn’t okay, you’re not okay, but there’s nothing else to do about that but remember that it’s gonna be painful and long and frustrating, and surely more awful stuff, but it’s not gonna last forever. And from now on, every awful moment that you are living and feeling means the next one will be a little bit less horrible in comparison.” 

The door closes up.

“Of course you can express those feelings, and I will hear them, just hold on to that fact, it’s going to end. In the meantime when you can’t do things, no matter how easy they normally are, you can rely on me, and your friends.” 

He takes a deep breath in after his speech and calls the elevator once again. The door opens, immediately, he gets in, and blocks the door from the inside. Hyunjin stares at him, speechless. 

“Get in, I’ll cook you something to eat,” he says like it is the most normal thing in the world, “it is not a miracle cure but it’ll be better than hospital food.” 

Hyunjin nods hesitantly. He had forgotten how Seungmin can use his words to make these kinds of sentences. Pointing out everything that he thinks he has managed to bury deep down, like he is always seeing right through him. It is a bit intimidating, almost scary, to think that there is a person in this world that will be able to do so. He knows that Seungmin often feels bad about it, that he has been told many times that he is rude or inconsiderate for being so straightforward. He lets out a sigh when he gets inside the elevator and the door closes. 

“You don’t have to go through any of it by yourself,” Seungmin whispers, “it doesn’t make you weak or a burden to rely on others.”

His voice is a bit less demanding than it was before, he is almost pausing after each word, like he is afraid of saying something wrong. It is unusual for him, not that Seungmin never doubts himself, Hyunjin sure knows he does, but he rarely lets others see it. 

“I know,” he answers. 

“Sorry.” 

Hyunjin looks at him, surprised. Seungmin tries to look away as much as possible, he has buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket but he can still see him fidgeting with something inside. 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I don’t want to make you feel like I’m lecturing you or anything, or that I know better, I’m just…” 

“Saying what you think,” Hyunjin finishes, “it’s not because I know something that it does not need to be said again, you know?” 

Seungmin tilts his head, “yeah, I know.” 

The elevator reaches the right floor, Seungmin pushes the button to keep the doors open but Hyunjin does not move. 

“Do you think you can help me walk?” he asks, “it’s just at the end of the corridor but these crutches are too tiresome.” 

Seungmin smiles, “they really seem like it.” 

He correctly puts the bag over his shoulders so it does not fall, and he puts himself near the elevator’s door so they won’t close. Hyunjin walks a bit next to him. When Seungmin pulls him even closer, a hand around his waist, he feels his breathing stop. Seungmin smells good, he swallows back the comment that threatens to pass his lips. Instead he manages to grab the crutches with the same hand, the one at the opposite of Seungmin. 

“Okay?” the latter asks. 

Hyunjin agrees. It is not really more comfortable to walk like that, nor faster. But he allows himself to relax in Seungmin’s touch, even if he tries not to be a complete dead weight so as to not burden him too much. He likes physical contact, always has, and Seungmin’s is still his favorite, he notices painfully. There is like magic at his fingertips, as soon as it touches him, his body reacts nicely. It makes him realize how much he has craved it this past year. 

They move forward a bit awkwardly. At some point Hyunjin just leaves the crutches in the corridor and Seungmin promises to grab them when Hyunjin will be sitting inside his apartment. His eyelids are heavy and a part of his mind screams that it would be good enough to just lie down there, head on Seungmin’s shoulder and rest. He does not, obviously, and eventually he reaches his couch. Seungmin carefully lies him down, whispers something that Hyunjin does not hear. 

Faintly he hears the door being closed and the keys turning in the lock, but his eyes are closed. His couch has never felt more comfortable. He feels Seungmin moves his legs, probably to elevate them a bit. He asks him something that has to do with food, he only answers with a groan and he hears Seungmin laugh gently. 

Maybe he dreams of the fingers in his hair, careful, gentle, loving touch. 

***

For the next few days, Hyunjin receives several visits from his friends. At first it was mostly Felix and Minho, bringing some news and games, then it was even more random people and at some point Hyunjin felt like he could not spend an hour alone in his apartment. Which he did not really mind, because at least it kept him away from his own mind, but also, it awfully felt like they were all completing some kind of civil duty to keep him company. Like he was on his death bed or something, with all this baked goods piling up in his kitchen. A mourning house. Eventually it did not help anymore and just made him even more aware of the fact that he was injured. 

It took him an hour interrogating Felix one afternoon for him to admit that Minho had put up a schedule and sent it to all of their common friends and acquaintances, so Hyunjin could always have someone available to help him. It was coming from a sweet place, he could acknowledge that the execution needed a bit more finesse, is what he told Minho on the phone that night. His best friends both promised to stop sending people to babysit him.

“How are you doing?” Minho asks him, a few days after his plan has been busted. 

Hyunjin points at his elevated leg with a wince, “like someone who can not move his leg.” 

Minho rolls his eyes, and sits on the floor. He opens a packet of biscuits that he has stolen from Hyunjin’s cupboard, he recognizes the brand Seungmin had brought him the other day. Hyunjin expects that he will be offered one but Minho just starts eating them by itself. 

“Sure,” his friend says, “and I feel for you, I really do.” 

Hyunjin frowns.

“I’m being sincere!” Minho protests. 

“Just give me one of those,” he sighs. 

He catches the packet that Minho throws at him easily. 

“You know I’m serious when I say I feel for you, being injured like that is really awful. At the same time…” 

“Don’t say it.” 

“Well, you were not able to give yourself a break so I guess the universe made you.” 

“You said it, cringe. The universe? Fuck off.” 

“I thought you would like the poetry of it.” 

Hyunjin munches on the sweets, “maybe I’ll be in the mood for poetry when I’ll be able to put my feet on the floor without it hurting.” 

“Alright, alright,” Minho nods, “I get it, I’ll stop making jokes about it. Plus, it’s not the same without you at the studio, everyone misses you. I have a few get well soon cards in my bags from your students.” 

He smiles, “that’s cute. I miss them too, did you manage to take my classes?” 

“Felix took some too. It was just adjusting our schedules a bit and…” 

“And?” 

Minho coughs awkwardly, there are a bunch of empty packets around him now, “we canceled the performance gig. These are good, did Felix bring you these?” he asks about the biscuits. 

“You did what?!” 

“We considered all our options but, canceling all your classes for the next months, not knowing exactly when you will be back, would mean refunding all of your students, even if it would give Felix and I time to rehearse the performance. But considering that giving dance classes is the one thing that pays us the most, we had to keep them going, finding a replacement for you meant paying someone new…so we had to take them ourselves.” 

“But performing is the thing that we like the most and that gives us the most visibility if we want to make more professional dance shows, this is not an opportunity to miss.”

“It is one, since it is an opportunity without you.”

Hyunjin feels his eyes burning with tears. He has always been an emotional person but this injury and the situation has made it a thousand times worse.

“This is stupid,” he mutters, “both of you should do it without me, it’s still under the name of our company who cares if I’m here or not.” 

“We do! There will be another opportunity, there has been before, we’re just a year in and we managed to get monthly pay with dance classes and dancing gigs here and there.”

Hyunjin shrugs, he dries the tears around his eyes with his hands, “I’m sorry. You’re right, I pushed myself too hard and I forgot that not only it could hurt me but also that it would blow up on you guys. Me not taking care of myself was selfish.”

“This is not the lesson I hope you’d get from it,” Minho says softly, “when you’ll be better and go back to dancing, I hope you'll be able to listen to your body and stop this unhealthy coping mechanism that you have going on. Dancing and making art has always been your way to deal with stuff, and express your emotions, and it is a great thing, but it does not have to consume you.” 

“I just don’t realize when I’m doing that until it’s too late.” 

“I know, and I’m not blaming you. I also feel like I haven’t been there enough for you or something.” 

“No, you did nothing wrong, this is not your fault. I was unable to process some stuff from a while ago and I thought overworking myself would be a good distraction.”

Minho hums, “well, now this, uh, stuff, is all better, right?” 

“I have other stuff that has been annoying me lately,” he answers, obnoxiously looking at his injury. 

“Seungmin’s coming over a lot, isn’t he?” 

“Oh!” Hyunjin blinks, “oh that’s what you meant.” 

His friend frowns, “what else? This was the stuff that made you drown yourself in work, wasn’t it? The break up with Seungmin, but now you seem to be getting back together, I guess this part at least is a bit better.” 

Hyunjin shuffles a bit uncomfortably on the couch, he can not move that much so all he does ends up hurting him, “yeah,” he lies. This could be the time where he tells Minho the truth, but if he does so, Minho would definitely worry that he has been seeing Seungmin this much. Worry that he is getting back into another unhealthy loop. Or maybe act like Seungmin is up to something.

“I’m glad he’s taking care of you, while we take care of work, the first weeks are going to be a bit hectic but we will come hang out with you as much as possible, until we find a good rhythm.” 

“Don’t worry for me, I’m not some kind of burden you have to add to your schedule, I’m thankful enough for everything you’re doing.”

Minho gets up, and grabs gently his hand, squeezing it, “you’re not a burden, you need care and rest right now more than any of us, you’d do the same if it was me lying on this couch” 

Hyunjin smiles, feeling extremely bad for lying to his friend about Seungmin like that, but he does not know how else to deal with all of it.

 “And you being bedridden means we can unload all the paperworks to you!” Minho laughs evilly as he lets go of his hand. 

“I knew there was something you would do to hurt me more!” Hyunjin groans.

***

Days are long. Most of his friends are working during the week, so his texts are being left unseen for hours. He scrolls desperately all over his social media to find some distraction but with his algorithm being used to him liking dancing, he quickly feels frustration and closes them one by one. There is nothing else he can do but lie down, he can walk around in his apartment with his crutches, or sometimes just by bouncing on his valid leg, but it always ends up with him feeling exhausted like he has run an entire marathon. He tries to read books but he closes them after a few pages, and opens another one, an endless circle.

What really sucked was the moment when he tried painting and nothing came. He stared at the blank canva for hours, not even picking up a brush. Every color looked dull. He felt empty. 

Felix keeps baking pastries and cakes, which he makes sure to bring with him every time he comes over. They are often Hyunjin’s favorites but, even if he does not tell Felix, he finds it hard to work up an appetite during the long hours when he is alone. Everything smells and looks delicious but his stomach feels sick every time. His days go by the same all the time, lying on his bed, then on the couch, binging a show he has already seen, scrolling, trying to walk in the hope that the pain would have gone away by a miracle, just to get disappointed. And the baked goods pile up in the fridge without him even considering them. He hates every second of his days. Maybe it was better when Minho’s schedule was on. At least he was not alone. 

Well, Hyunjin can not just back up on that now. So he says nothing, acts like everything is fine whenever they come by, and hopes no one notices it. Even if sometimes he is cranky when they are here. Neither Minho nor Felix say anything about it, they keep him updated about their dance company, give him some small tasks to do on the computer or review his (ex)classes choreographies and give advice. He appreciates still being involved with his work, especially when it is the three of them in Hyunjin’s living room talking and planning, it feels like old times when their project was just an idea, a file on a computer, more than anything else. But when they leave, it is just a painful reminder that he is missing everything. 

And then there is Seungmin. After the first week, Hyunjin had really thought he would stop coming, but he did not. If anything, he came by more often. At first he just came to check by, during the weekend, he would text Hyunjin - he had not realized he still had his number saved on his phone, honestly - asking if he could come over. They would drink a cup of coffee and Hyunjin would tell him to take whateve rhe wanted from the baked goods Felix had left.

One night, Seungmin shows up with a bag and some groceries in it, “I’m making dinner for the both of us,” he says when he sees Hyunjin’s confused look.

“What?” 

“Dinner,” Seungmin repeats calmly, “food.” 

“I have food.”

Seungmin gives him a look, the kind of almost judgmental look he has when Hyunjin does something he thinks is not that good. 

“I am not trash talking Felix’s talents in baking, obviously,” he starts in that very patient and educational tone he can have, the one that he knows no one, especially not Hyunjin, would argue with, “but I am not sure brownies can be considered as dinner. And lunch, and breakfast. If you were to eat those, of course.” 

At the last part Hyunjin blushes, embarrassed, “I don’t have a big appetite lately.” 

Seungmin hums. He goes to the kitchen, puts the bag on the counter. 

“Because I don’t move that much I guess I don’t need to eat, you know.” 

“No,” Seungmin interrupts him immediately, “I mean, you still need to eat.”

“I eat sometimes, you don’t have to worry about this, about me.” 

“I’m just inviting myself over, so I thought the least I could do was cook, if it makes you hungry, then you can eat with me, if not you can keep it for later. Plus it’s not like I haven’t overindulged in your cooking when we were together, consider this as a thank you.”

“Alright,” Hyunjin surrenders, “let me help you, though.” 

Seungmin frowns, playfully, “you’re still doubting my cooking skills? Take a seat and don’t do anything!”

“Okay, okay,” he moves his hands and struggles a bit to reach the stool and makes himself comfortable, “how did it never frustrate you to be kicked out the kitchen like that every night?” 

“You’re kidding? It was like being at the restaurant all the time, I was more concerned about putting this load on you.”

Hyunjin giggles, “honestly, it was better than having to handle a domestic accident or some food poisoning. Are you sure of what you are doing, right now?”

Seungmin acts overly offended. 

“And foolishly I thought it was because you loved me,” he says with a dramatic sigh. 

“That too,” Hyunjin whispers. 

They exchange a shy glance, Hyunjin feels his heart flutter at the way the corner of Seungmin’s lips raise up, even if he does not entirely smile. He puts his head on his hand and just watches the way the other starts focusing on the task. 

“Yeah, that was nice,” he hears Seungmin mutter under his breath when he turns on the stove.

Hyunjin feels like painting a canva of pastel color, a beautiful bouquet of his feelings through soft brushes of watercolor, exploding from inside his heart.

***

Almost three weeks since he has left the hospital, he takes a seat on the kitchen’s bar stool, like it has somehow become his habit every night, since the night Seungmin decided to cook for him. He has not stopped him, because it does feel good to have someone cooking for you, and it is almost the only moment of the day when Hyunjin feels hungry. And after eating, he feels a bit better than before. While Seungmin puts the groceries he has picked up on the way out. Hyunjin looks at him, in silence. Seungmin tells him something about his day that annoyed him, a coworker something like that, Hyunjin is not really paying attention to it. Usually, he would. Hearing Seungmin’s daily stories has been the highlight of his own days, he looks forward to the moment he will hear the interphone buzz, right now he realizes how selfish it actually is. 

Seungmin looks tired. His movements are slower than usual, he tries to not rub his eyes too much but he can not hide the exhaustion in his gaze. He still talks like usual, still looks relaxed and comfortable in his kitchen. It makes Hyunjin’s heart swoon. 

“You’re tired,” he blurts out, “sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” 

“Uh,” Seungmin says, “it’s okay, but yeah, I am a bit tired, but it’s okay.” 

He moves his hand in the air, and packs the now empty grocery bag away. He aligns correctly all the ingredients on the counter for the food he is about to cook. 

“We should order something,” Hyunjin tells him. 

“What? But,” he points at the food on the counter, and pouts, “all this.” 

“Will be good for tomorrow, and thank you. But you don’t have to cook for us if you’re tired, and I’m also not in the mood for it, so let’s order something. We can watch a movie or something and rest.” 

Seungmin seems to hesitate, “sure but…” 

“It’s my treat, as a thank you for everything you’ve done for me this past week. Tomorrow, I’ll be able to cook thanks to the groceries you’ve brought.” 

“You should have told me before I went to the store!” 

“I know,” Hyunjin calmly answers, “honestly, I feel sorry because I didn’t realize before that it was such a hassle for you to come here every time. That’s why I’m just offering this, right now, I haven’t thought this through.”

Seungmin’s face immediately softened up, “it’s not a hassle.” 

“Well, you have a full-time job and somehow you just ended up with a second one by taking care of me. Minho and Felix had also tried to put up this schedule thing to keep me company and you’re not even getting paid for this one!”

He tries to laugh about it, but the joke falls flat. 

“No, no,” Seungmin corrects him, “I really look forward to coming here and having your company.” 

“But it is tiring.” 

“Well, only because I have to go back home every time and then…”

“Maybe you could stay here.” 

He tries to say it casually, like it is not really a big deal, but now that the offer is out it definitely sounds like a big deal. It is a way too big of a deal…

“Not all the time,” he corrects himself immediately, “more like you can sleep over, you know to save you a late drive back, sometimes, or more times, or…”

He shrugs. Hey, they had a nice run until Hyunjin had to fucked up whatever chill relationship they had going on, he thinks. The surprise eventually fades out from Seungmin’s face, and he seems thoughtful. Hyunjin gets ready to be turned down. 

“That’s not a bad idea, actually.”

Hyunjin stares at him, like he has grown a second head. 

“What? You’re the one offering it and now you’re reacting like it’s completely insane! Are you regretting it?!” 

“No! I just thought you would think it is completely insane!” 

“I’m not saying it isn’t,” Seungmin sighs out, “I think I’m just rolling with the insane, right now. Even if not talking about the elephant in the room sounds like going back a year back, but I thought you made the same choice as me.”

“What do you mean?” 

Seungmin smiles sadly, “Felix texted me and he told me he was happy we got back together. Honestly, I was surprised he still had my number, I thought he hated me.” 

Hyunjin feels his cheeks burn red, “oh, he told you that.” 

The other man shrugs and starts putting the groceries away in the fridge. Hyunjin feels the embarrassment creeping up his back, if his leg was not still immobilized he would have probably run away. 

“I never told them that, they assumed and…”

“You didn’t correct them.” 

“I really didn’t understand why they ended up thinking that, and I was still processing the injury diagnosis… I was tired and they jumped to conclusions, and I didn’t know what to say.”

“I’m not asking you to find excuses,” Seungmin explains slowly, “it’s just, yeah, it’s weird, everything about this is weird but it’s not just you, it’s also me, because when Felix sent me that text, I also could have told him the truth and I didn’t.” 

Hyunjin presses his lips together, “and?” 

“And, nothing. You’re hurt and you’re in pain and even if things… changed, I realized I can’t stand knowing it and not do anything about it.”

He waits for something else to come but Seungmin stays silent. 

“Yeah, things changed,” he repeats dumbly. 

“Sure,” Seungmin nods, “if they had not I would not have been that comfortable doing all this as a friend.”

Hyunjin feels his mouth go dry, his heart tightening up in his chest hearing that word. He is so stupid. Reality crashes hard on his shoulders and once again, he feels like he is in the middle of it, completely helpless and unarmed, and, once again, he can not blame anyone else but himself. Blindly running into a disaster, waiting to get hurt, physically or emotionally. 

“We should order, shouldn’t we?” Seungmin asks. 

Hyunjin jumps in surprise, “right,” he grabs his phone quickly and almost hides behind it, scrolling down the ordering app, “what do you want?”

“Anything, as long as it comes quickly, I’m starving,” he giggles, “unless you want something special.” 

“Nah, you’re right, I’m also starving and I don’t want to think too much.” 

Seungmin agrees. It takes a little minute for Hyunjin to find something decent, and quick, and for Seungmin to approve the order. Once it is done, the latter helps Hyunjin move to the couch, he keeps saying stuff about his day but Hyunjin finds himself distracted again. This time, he tries his hardest not to look directly towards’ Seungmin’s face, now that the realization has hit him, he feels like if their eyes meet, the other one would know exactly how he is really feeling. Hyunjin’s not ready for that, not ready for Seungmin to walk out the door for the second time. 

When the food arrives and Seungmin puts on a random movie and he sits next to him on the couch, not very close to him but still making himself comfortable enough for Hyunjin to feel that familiarity between them, he decides to be selfish for a little more again. 

After all, he is only hurting himself by doing so, for now the joy of having Seungmin’s back in his life overpowers the sadness of knowing it will eventually break his heart again. 

“You know,” he says suddenly because the movie is a bit boring, “Felix never hated you.”

Seungmin looks at him, surprised.

“Minho does not either,” he adds, “why would you think that?”

“Because they’re your best friends, I am the ex-boyfriend who left you, I thought they would see me as the enemy.” 

Hyunjin shrugs, “you didn’t leave me. It was not just you, in this.”

The sound of the movie gets a bit louder in an action scene. 

“There was no one to put the blame on entirely, no side to take. I never made it look like there was, not even to my best friends.” 

Seungmin lets out a quiet breath, “I never thought you would do that, but, yeah, maybe I assumed your best friends would be mad, for you at least.” 

Hyunjin bites his tongue, it does not prevent him from saying, “no, they were not, I think they were sad.” 

He is glad they turned off the lights to watch the movie more comfortably. Seungmin hums, “so was I,” he answers softly. 

Hyunjin turns his head to look at him but he can not clearly see his face, the other man looks at the movie with a fake intensity. 

“I know the injury is a horrible situation,” he goes on, “and I wish it was not happening for you, but I’m thankful you did not change your emergency contact.” 

“Really?” 

“I missed you a lot, you were also my best friend, I wanted to text you about my days and ask your opinions on what outfit to wear. I thought the nostalgia would fade away as time went by, but it did not.”

Hyunjin feels his heart dip in his chest, his ears ringing. 

“You don’t have to answer, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“No, no, I’m not, I’m just surprised. I thought I had been the only one feeling that way. I missed you too.” 

In the screen light he sees Seungmin smile. It warms him up entirely. 

***

“You can’t keep sleeping on the couch,” Hyunjin says. 

Seungmin looks at him with round eyes. Of course, he was not in Hyunjin’s mind for the past few days, where he had been replaying again and again the sight of Seungmin’s carefully folding the sheets that he uses to sleep on the couch, in the morning, so that Hyunjin can lay there and watch TV, and then remaking his “bed” every night. Plus, right now, they are in the hospital waiting room, so Hyunjin has absolutely no reason to suddenly bring up that topic. 

“I don’t mind.”

“I’m already down a leg, you can’t lose your back.” 

It makes Seungmin smile, “the couch is great.”

“It’s not.” 

“It is!” 

They get some curious looks from other patients, Seungmin bows his head apologetic and then whispers, “it is.” 

Hyunjin lets out a sigh, “I know it isn’t, because I’ve spent nights sleeping on it, not wanting to sleep in the bedroom.” 

It takes a second for Seungmin to realize what it exactly meant. He looks away, so does Hyunjin who stares at his nails. He feels a hot unpleasant feeling in his upper back, he tries to breathe. 

“Mr Hwang?” The secretary calls his name, “the doctor is ready to see you.” 

He nods. Seungmin is up immediately, he gives him his crutches and helps him. It has become something very natural, almost ironically choreographic at how coordinated they are. 

“You’re right,” Seungmin murmurs as they walk into the doctor’s office, “it’s not.” 

It is not much, winning a petty argument, especially not with the reason why he won, still it makes him satisfied. They do not add anything else as the doctor greets them inside. A few days ago, Minho had been the one who had driven Hyunjin to the hospital to have an x-ray of his legs, this appointment was the doctor’s view on those medical examinations. Sitting in front of the desk, Hyunjin feels once again all the anxiety of hearing the results. It has already been an entire month with him barely moving, going outside only to the hospital or for some very quick and light groceries shopping - lately he has done that with Seungmin, the task had been way more interesting - and even if the pain is still there, he hopes he will be able to start physical therapy. It is not dancing, obviously, but at least it would give him a way to move his body… 

Seungmin puts his hand over his thigh, Hyunjin realizes the way he has been moving them nervously. 

“So, I’ve reviewed your images, Mr Hwang,” the doctor starts and she speaks terribly slowly, it makes Hyunjin think of the worst. He tries to read her face but he sees nothing, “the injury isn’t healed yet.” 

Maybe she hears the groan Hyunjin tried to conceal because she stops and smiles gently. 

“It is not healed, yet , but it is healing nicely. It has only been a few weeks, so there is nothing to worry about.”

“Is there something else I should do?” 

She raises an eyebrow at Hyunjin’s eagerness. He clears his throat, “beside resting,” he adds, “physical therapy?” 

“We can not start physical therapy since the injury is still there, moving the muscle or massaging it will only deepen the tear. Physical therapy will be for muscle reinforcement.” 

“Oh,” Hyunjin whispers, “right, muscle reinforcement.” 

“After not moving the muscle for so long you’ll need to…”

“I get it,” he interrupts her. He has a question burning the tip of his tongue, a question that has been lingering in the back of his mind, and in his google history, but that he has not dared to say out loud, just in case of hearing a yes. 

“Thank you,” Seungmin tells the doctor, “for your explanations.” 

“I will be able to dance again, right?” 

There, the question was out in the air and it is too late to take it back, so he waits, expectantly, to hear the worse.

“You will need a lot of physical therapy and practice but you will be able to dance again. Athletes suffer from these kinds of injuries and can still practice their sport after recovery. But you have to be patient, and no matter how frustrating and boring the resting part is, it is part of the recovery.”

He can not do anything about the sigh of relief that escapes from his lips. If he could have jumped with joy, he would have done it. 

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Seungmin comments, “I’m making sure that he does.” 

“That’s good. We can meet up in about two weeks, make more images and see if you can start PT at that moment.” 

They nod, Seungmin gets up and so does Hyunjin, just a bit more slowly. 

“You’re okay?” Seungmin asks him when they exit the room. 

“Yeah, relieved.” 

The other on hums, “you never said anything about not being able to dance anymore.” 

“Well, it just… I knew you would have told me that I was worrying for nothing so I just kept it to myself. I didn’t want to be negative or paranoid, and I didn’t want to worry Minho or Felix with it either.”  

“You’re not being negative, you’re injured and it makes you scared. Which is normal. Dancing is not just your job, it’s what you love the most in the world, it’s not nothing, I’m glad she could reassure you about that, but if you need more, I’m here too. And I’m sure your friends would think the same.”

“I have a lot of time to think about all the worst case scenarios so you might end up regretting saying that…” 

Seungmin smiles, “no, I definitely won’t regret helping you.” 

“You’re helping me with everything.” 

“I know, how did you manage to survive a year without me?” 

Hyunjin points at his leg, “obviously I did not.” 

They giggle, and it feels both relieving and weird to laugh about the breakup. But surely it is a good thing, not to act like it never happened. 

“I didn’t forget about the couch, by the way,” Hyunjin says when they reach Seungmin’s car. 

“Never thought you did, but is there any solution? Buying a new, better couch?”

“With what money?! You could just sleep in the bed.” 

“And you on the couch? Do you want to go to the next appointment and find out the injury stopped healing?” 

“How could it make it worse, I just have to elevate it slightly, it will be okay I lie there the rest of the day.” 

Seungmin shakes his head, “no way.” 

They get in the car, Hyunjin thinks about another reason to convince Seungmin meanwhile the latter turns on the engine. 

“We could share the bed.” 

He chokes up on air. 

“Uh, yeah, we could, that’s right.” 

He hopes his voice is not too shaky. Seungmin looks straight in front of him, eyes on the road, his hands are steady on the wheel, nothing that indicates he might be feeling all the feelings Hyunjin is currently having. 

“It’s rational, the couch is uncomfortable, meanwhile the bed is big enough for the both of us to sleep…”

“Yeah, totally, absolutely.” 

“You’re fine with it, right?” 

“As long as you are, I’m fine with it, you’re right, it’s rational.” 

Totally rational, no feelings involved, no memories coming back up. Steady and rational, like Seungmin. Hyunjin can absolutely do that. It is Hyunjin’s speciality. He can entirely think about sleeping next to Seungmin without it being a big deal, and maybe even tonight he will be able to fall asleep even if suddenly his bedroom becomes theirs again. 

“That’s settled then,” Seungmin whispers.

Hyunjin makes sure to just hum. Maybe the injury will not prevent him from being a dancer again, but surely Seungmin will be the death of him. What a way to die. 

***

“You know what would be nice?” Felix’s voice says through the video call they are having. 

Hyunjin shrugs, Minho glances at Felix. It is a late afternoon, both of them are in the dance studio, Felix’s class - what was Hyunjin’s actually - starts in an hour or so, Minho just finished his. They often video call before this class so Felix can update Hyunjin about the choreography and how his students are doing, he can also give a few advice since he knows them better and adjustments in Felix’s program. Not that he does not trust Felix, obviously not, but he is thankful to still be involved even after a month. 

“You could come to the class!” his friend explains, over excited, “well, not today obviously, but next week?”

Seungmin, who is silently working on his computer on the kitchen’s table, looks up from the screen. He meets Hyunjin’s gaze.

“That could be great,” Minho adds, “you’re not dancing but you can assist Felix and just see the progress. You’ve been walking way more since you’ve started physical therapy, you can come here.”

“Plus with you here, I’m sure they will give their 100% in the choreo so they can show it to you!” 

He can feel his excitement through the phone. It is a bit overwhelming. Hyunjin has not put a foot in the dance studio since the accident. Sure he goes outside, to his medical appointments, groceries, and a few errands with Seungmin, he also met his friends in a café a few times, and it has gone well. But sometimes when he has to walk back home, the tiredness hits him and it is so frustrating to feel that exhausted with so little effort.

“Sure,” he says, unconvinced.

Maybe his voice lacks enthusiasm or maybe his face does because Felix energy changes immediately, “well, only if you want to, of course.” 

Hyunjin feels guilty for the anxiety that rises in his stomach, “I want to!” he says a bit too eagerly. Minho and Felix exchange a confused look, and he once again feels Seungmin staring, “sorry,” he mutters more quietly, “but yeah, it would be good to be at the studio and see the work you’ve done, but it’s just sometimes I get tired easily…”  

He exhales. 

“I can come with you,” Seungmin suddenly intervenes, “drive you there I mean, so if you’re tired I can take you home.”

Felix and Minho go quiet. 

“The studio is not that far from here,” Hyunjin tells him, “I can take the bus or something.” 

Seungmin shrugs. 

“You don’t have to decide right now,” Minho says, “it’s next week, and even at the last minute you can always show up, this is your studio too, you can show up whenever you want.”

Felix nods, “yeah, we miss you in the dance practice. Even if you can’t dance right now, I’m sure just being there and giving us feedback directly and not through a video would be amazing.” 

“I miss it too,” Hyunjin smiles, “I’ll do my best.” 

They exchange a few more news before they have to hang up. Hyunjin stares blankly at his phone when the call ends, feeling weird. 

“I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation,” Seungmin tells him, “I’m sorry if I made it uncomfortable or like I was pushing something.”

“No don’t worry, it’s not like they don’t know you’re here plus I was not wearing headphones or anything.” 

Seungmin hums, “if you want to attend that class my offer still stands.” 

Hyunjin does not answer. 

“Oh, maybe it’ll be awkward for me to be with you since they think we are…” Seungmin clears his throat, “that we are dating and…”

“And we’re not,” he finishes dryly, “but no, it’s not about that.” 

“Then what is it?” 

He sighs. As usual Seungmin knows exactly when to push and not give up, in a way that, although a bit irritating because sometimes Hyunjin would love to crawl back into this very dark deep place in his mind where he represses everything, is not overwhelming. “Two things,” he starts, “first, what if just by going there I get exhausted and have to leave almost immediately, second, it’s like a horrible reminder that they are dancing and I’m not. It’s embarrassing.”

Seungmin frowns, “how can the fact that you are injured be something embarrassing?” 

“Because I am a professional dancer, or at least I pretend to, and I was not able to take care of my body.” 

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin sighs. It must be serious if he starts calling him by his name, he thinks. “I hope you understand that whenever you hear me, or anyone else, saying that you need to be more careful, it is not to put the blame on you, it is just because I… we worry about you.” 

He shrugs, “I know that, but at the end of the day it is still a fact, isn’t it? I recognized the sign of my body hurting and I chose to ignore them until I could not anymore. Minho and Felix cancelled the performance, the very reason why I pushed myself that hard, and putting on some extra work to make sure the people who paid for my classes still have them, I’m just disappointing everyone.” 

“You’re not disappointing anyone.”

Hyunjin opens his mouth to protest but Seungmin shakes his head, “you’re just disappointed in yourself so you project it on everyone else, it does not make it true.” 

He closes the computer and moves from the table to the couch. Hyunjin is lying on it, his leg elevated on a pillow, so Seungmin carefully takes the pillow out and while gently holding on Hyunjin takes a seat. Hyunjin feels himself blushing when Seungmin touches his skin, even if it’s just his leg and that he is just making sure Hyunjin does not have to move and is comfortable. 

Even if they have been sleeping on the same bed for a few days, they both had made sure to never touch each other. All Seungmin has ever done was holding on to Hyunjin when he had gotten out of the hospital and was not used to walking with his crutches, since then, he had kept a reasonable distance. So did Hyunjin. Seungmin takes a little time before talking again, Hyunjin is not sure he remembers what they were talking about. He wishes he could just stand up straight, get so close to Seungmin, just at lip reach… 

“I think it could be a good thing for you to go,” Seungmin finally says, interrupting Hyunjin’s daydreaming, “it’ll always be frustrating for you to not be able to dance but being with this community you created can’t be painful.”

His fingers are still resting over his leg, Hyunjin’s not sure if he realizes that or not. 

“Plus you always told me that having external feedback on the choreographies was important.” 

“That was mostly an excuse to spend time with you even when I was training,” Hyunjin softly says, “and also to impress you.”

“Most of the time, yeah,” Seungmin smiles, “once Minho told me that you had put on makeup and nice clothes, instead of your usual old training outfits, because I was there.” 

“He told you that?!” he gasps. 

“He did, but I told him it was a bit obvious, I’m no expert in dancing but I could not believe anyone would practice while wearing such tight pants and so many jewerly.”

Hyunjin hides his face behind his hands while Seungmin laughs, “it was really uncomfortable,” he mutters, “the earrings kept slapping my face whenever I moved too quickly, but the worse was the makeup, my skin was itching so much.”

He had not even bought waterproof makeup or any kind of setting spray, the sweat had made the black eyeliner smudge under his eyes. When he realized that it had already been too late to do anything. He started carrying makeup removal with him when he had dates, after this disastrous attempt. Well, the other dates with Seungmin before they officially became boyfriends. Since then he had not tried to charm anyone. 

“You didn’t need to go through all this for me to be impressed by you, but I have to admit, it had a lot of impact.”

“I was never really sure what you were thinking,” he comments impulsively, “I was not sure you liked me back.” 

“You were not?”

Seungmin’s genuine surprise tickles an old resentment, “you didn’t say it,” he answers simply, “and I kept making moves and you were not, I started thinking maybe you didn’t find me good enough for you or that you just didn’t want to date that much.”

Seungmin stares. 

“Anyway, for next week, you’re right I should go,” he goes on, to change the subject since he feels something uncomfortable growing in his chest. 

“I really wanted to date you at that moment.”

Hyunjin frowns, “yeah, I ended up realizing that since we did date. It’s not important, it was just the usual doubts when you start liking someone a lot. We don’t have to talk about that, Seungmin.” 

Maybe his voice is a bit too aggressive. Seungmin moves his hand away from his leg. 

“If it’s not important for you, it is for me, because I remember clearly that period and I was head over heels for you already, I’d have gone to and done anything if you had asked me to.”

Hyunjin’s heart weakens hearing the past tense, he hums trying to keep it together. 

“I feel bad for not making it obvious. I’m sorry I caused you all this self doubt, I never thought you were not good enough for me.” 

“That’s okay, you are not responsible for my insecurities.”

“What should I have done differently?” 

The question catches Hyunjin off guard, “uh,” he blinks, “nothing! The more I spent time with you the more I understood that you just show affection differently than I do and it was fine.” 

Seungmin looks away. Hyunjin thinks finally this discussion will end, he regrets his comment about all this. He just wishes he could take it back. 

“It was fine and then it was not. You’re right, we have different ways to love, and show it, but maybe I could have tried a bit more to match your needs.” 

Hyunjin feels like there is something else to that sentence Seungmin wants to add but he does not. He just gets up, does the same motions to make sure Hyunjin will still be comfortable, “I gotta finish the work I was doing, I’m already late. For next week, I’d come with you if you want to.” 

He does not wait for an answer and goes to his computer. Hyunjin feels upset seeing him slip away like he used to do whenever they would talk about their relationship before they broke up, finding any excuse to keep himself busy far away from his, or Hyunjin’s emotions, even if he were the one who deliberately brought the subject. 

“No, no,” he stops him vigorously, “wait, you can’t say things like that and then…”

He only moves his hands ominously. 

“And then what?” Seungmin asks, “you’re the one who said it was fine.” 

“Don’t turn it around, you’re right it was not really fine, back then and after. But is this your way of apologizing without actually doing it?” 

Hyunjin himself is shocked at the words coming out of his mouth. Fuck, he thinks, the last thing he can handle right now is a fight with Seungmin. Everything was perfectly fine, they had laughed and joked once or twice about their relationships, the worst that had happened was when it got awkward mentioning something but even that was said in a softer way. The whole I’m-totally-over-you-we-should-be-friend act he had going on was very strong, he almost ended up believing in it. Or maybe he ended up believing that they were back together with Seungmin living in the apartment, fitting in the scenery like he never left. Sure they did not kiss or sleep together, or any little sign of romantic affection, but just the fact that they were spending so much time just the two of them, Seungmin caring for him, and slipping into their old habits like second nature. 

They fought and argued so much before they eventually broke up, but they did not yell at each other. Resentment always built up in silence, small disagreements only barely hiding what they were thinking. Silence felt heavier than screams, sometimes Hyunjin wondered if they had just yelled, they would have been able to take out everything to fix it. How could anyone repair something they have never seen break? Everything was invisible until it was left into pieces neither of them could have picked up. The silence between them had always been terribly loud.

He expects Seungmin to do the same as before, shrug and leave. This time there is nothing that holds him back, no long-term relationship to hold onto because at one point it just becomes a personal failure more than being upset at losing someone you loved, no apartment lease with his name on it, and no families and friends wondering about an eventual proposal. And he expects himself to not stop him.

Seungmin hesitates. Hyunjin considers letting him off this hook, unconsciously hoping that if he does, at least the other would not have to leave and the fantasy would go on. It would be extremely easy to do so. It is insane how strong his love and affection for Seungmin still runs in his core even when the break-up was the most painful moment in his life. When he tried to move on he focused on Seungmin’s bad traits, tried to blame him for what went wrong, tried to go through the grieving steps, but it did not work. Even knowing the end, he could not even wish he had never met him or never experienced this love. The only anger he felt was at the universe that had taken Seungmin away from him, and at himself for failing to protect what they had. There were some things he blamed Seungmin for but never enough to hate him. Seungmin would be the one that got away, even if he were to love someone else. Selfishly, he hoped it was the same for Seungmin. 

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin lets out suddenly. He looks so small and vulnerable, standing there, hugging the closed computer over his chest like it would shield him from something. Hyunjin wants to get up and hug him, himself, but the apology freezes him. “Even for the things I could not have done better or differently, I feel sorry.” 

With the way he is looking at him, Hyunjin could almost believe they are feeling the same things, “me too, I’m sorry too,” he whispers. 

Seungmin nods and without waiting for more, goes to the bedroom. Hyunjin feels dizzy, his eyes burn with tears, his heart warms up as he realizes how the words slowly tend its wound. 

***

Hyunjin wakes up before Seungmin. It does not happen often, it never did when they were dating, because Seungmin has this internal clock adjusted perfectly and he wakes up easily in the morning. Early, Hyunjin would say. At a decent time, Seungmin would answer. Being forced to lie down most of the time however changes a lot of things for Hyunjin, and he finds himself awake at 7:30am.  

Seungmin still sleeps in the bed - his bed, their bed? - and it is a miracle that Hyunjin managed to get out of it without making too much noise. Mornings are the worst for him, it is the moment of the day where he ends up forgetting the state of his leg and puts it down on the floor like usual, just to feel the shooting pain. Today he takes extra precaution not to be fooled like that. It makes him very slow also but at least it is working and he makes his way to the kitchen, without being too obnoxious. It would have been way more difficult without Seungmin’s help all those weeks, he wants to make him breakfast for once.

It is a good morning, Hyunjin decides. It has been almost two weeks since he has started physical therapy and he does not need the crutches anymore, the appointments are tiring and afterwards he gets that unpleasant sensation of his leg but at least, he is moving his leg. He feels extremely hopeful.

Yesterday, Seungmin had taken him to the studio to see his dance class and assist Felix. All his anxieties had been for nothing since everyone greeted him with so much love and happiness that he had not felt tired, not once. The hardest part had been not getting up every two seconds to adjust directly something in his students’ posture and having to use words instead of his body to explain a move, but it turned into a light laughing matter with the way Felix helped. Sure after going home the fatigue had the best of him, but overall he felt revitalized by it.

Seungmin, and the physical therapist, keep telling him to take it slow, to not ask too much and stop as soon as he feels pain, which he does, no matter how much he wants to push through every exercise. He can walk without limping if he is careful enough, the doctor told him not to run or jump, dance is still completely forbidden, but they said there is not much of a risk for the tear to happen again if he is patient. The fatigue is just due to muscle loss. Surely muscle loss will not be as painful as the tear itself.

Weirdly, the personnal conversation he and Seungmin had about when they first started dating did not make things more awkward between them. On the contrary, it felt like something had been freed from its cage. Seungmin mentionned easily romantic moments they had shared, even saying that he had kept everything Hyunjin had bought him and that it was precious to him, and Hyunjin decided that it was okay to embrace him once or twice, platonically. And if they were to sleep a bit closer every night, well, it is only because they can not control how they move while asleep. He feels hopeful, even if he is not sure yet for what but he tries to convince himself just being friends with Seungmin is enough. Neither of them had said anything about more. Not that it is what he wants! Unless, Seungmin wants it. 

Hyunjin also considers coming clean to his friends about the real nature of his relationship with Seungmin. He starts to physically feel better so they will reach a point where Seungmin has no reason to take care of him, and if they end up friends, Minho and Felix will understand everything. It would be better for Hyunjin to reveal the truth before they have to figure it out by themselves. Plus, it would give him someone to talk to about all this. 

Tomorrow, he decides as he reaches the kitchen and starts getting the breakfast ready, tomorrow, he will text them and explain himself. And apologize, a lot. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin mutters under his breath when he realizes the coffee is on the top counters. He can not use a chair to help him reach there. Or up on his tiptoes. To be more careful he grabs a chair but when he puts his healthy leg on the seat and tries to push on his injured leg, he feels the pain like an electric shock. He lets out a scream when he loses his balance and tries to hold on to something wherever he can.

There is a loud noise when what was on the lower shelf, where he tried to hold on, falls down followed by a bunch of other stuff, an upsetting domino effect that Hyunjin can not do anything else but stare at. He was not high enough on the chair to really fall back, just only to get surprised and scared and to reawaken the pain, painfully pulsing just because he had the audacity to try to make coffee, he wants to crumble on the floor and cry. 

It takes everything in his body to not do so, because he is not going to cry for coffee. Instead he grabs the side of the kitchen counter and holds it with all his strength, so as to not fall, to try and stay grounded in some way on just one leg. He feels dizzy and stupid. The whole thing is a complete mess. It is terrible, absolutely awful, he just wanted to make coffee because for once he was awake before Seungmin and he wanted to do something for him since he has done so much. 

This can not be happening, today was supposed to be a good day, a good day free of any kind of pain, a sign that he is going in the right direction, and not taking a step back. 

The mess all over the counter seems to form a mocking word at him. 

“Hey, what’s going on? I heard a loud noise,” Seungmin’s voice tiredly ask. 

Hyunjin holds on to the counter even tighter, his knuckles turning white, the weight on his right leg gets heavier, but he does not want to put any tension in his injured leg. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, “I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

“Well it’s not you, the noise did,” Seungmin jokes. 

“I made the noise,” he answers dryly. 

Seungmin hums, he bites his lip. He feels the other man coming closer behind him, “can I?” he asks. 

Hyunjin slightly lets go of his grip and tries to move a bit aside so Seungmin can slide next to him. 

“Are you hurt?” 

Hyunjin scoffs, “aside from the leg problem you mean? I’m great.”

“I meant has anything in this kitchen attacked you, or did you attack the shelf maybe?” 

“No, no, I’m fine okay, I just lost balance and everything fell, that’s it! It does not have to be a big deal, or a joke, alright?” 

Seungmin clears his throat. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to talk to you like that,” he forces himself to say. 

“I don’t mind that. Hyunjin, let go of the counter, you’re going to hurt yourself. Just take a seat, I can take care of this.” 

Somehow those words make everything else spiral in his mind, tears roll on his cheeks when his body lets go of the tension and thankfully Seungmin is right next to him to catch a bit of his weight. 

“I really don’t want to sit down,” he says pathetically, “I just want to make breakfast normally without it being such a big deal because for one second I forget that I have this useless leg.”

He knows he probably just sounds like a child having a tantrum because his parents said no for a snack, and he hates himself for that. Deep down, he knows that all this is normal in the healing journey of this injury, and he sees the progress, and should just be grateful that it is not something worse. But he can not do anything about all this frustration piling up no matter how hard he tries to put things into perspective. 

“I’m just so done with this, I feel like I’ve been patient and it just… it’s still there and it’s still hurting and I want it to stop!” 

The attempts at putting words onto what he feels make it sound even more childish, and he feels so like it that he almost expects Seungmin to lecture him. 

“I’m sorry, it’s so stupid, I’m overreacting suddenly,” he tries to calm down.

“You can react however you want,” Seungmin answers, “if you want to scream or throw things, you can, even if you’re getting better every day does not mean you can not still be upset about it. Does it hurt?” 

Hyunjin nods, “a bit,” he sniffles, “I’ve put too much weight on it, and yesterday maybe I pushed a bit too much but it was fine when I woke up.” 

“Alright, okay. Turn around.” 

With Seungmin’s help he turns around, then Seungmin makes him lean on the fridge, so he does not have to fully stand on his legs. 

“There you’re not sitting but you’re not hurting it more. I understand, you’ve been careful for so long, lying down all the time, and yesterday, it was the first time, besides physical therapy, doing more effort even if you also were careful, of course your body worked more than usual.” 

Hyunjin cries even more, “I should have not gone, what if I made something worse? What if it takes longer now to heal, or like, I have to get surgery?” 

“Don’t go there okay, remember they told you that now, unless you had gone back to fully practicing and dancing, which you did not, you’re in the clear. It’s just fatigue, so what you did a little bit too much yesterday, you just have to take it easy today.” 

Seungmin puts a hand on his face very gently. Hyunjin finally looks up and sees him, worry and affection painting all over his waking-up face, bed hair making him look all dishevled and cosy. His voice is so soft and reassuring, he drinks all his words like they would entirely heal him. 

“It’s not because you made a mistake once and hurt yourself that you are doomed to repeat it over and over, Hyunjin.” 

Hyunjin is not sure what possesses him but one second he is looking at Seungmin’s face and the other he is kissing him. He regrets it immediately, when he feels Seungmin’s lips on his and his breathing brushing his face, but it is too late. And Seungmin kisses back. When Hyunjin finally realizes what he has done, not only has he kissed Seungmin without warning and consent, but also the emotional state that had pushed him to do so, he wishes he could turn back time. But the hand that was on his cheek now moves to the back of his neck and the other one is holding him on his waist, and it shuts off all his thoughts. 

The kiss is a bit sloppy and surely not the best one he could have given, especially to Seungmin. He knows he has been crying just the second before and they both had just woken up. It does not seem like a big deal at all because he has craved for Seungmin’s lips like a man thirsty for water in a desert. It answers a craving he had thought he would never fill, it tastes sweet, and it tastes like love, and it is home. 

When they part away, Hyunjin makes a silent prayer for just one more minute of delight, but his eyes have dried out of tears, and he sees the change in Seungmin’s features. He watches how it goes from a blissful, innocent, happy expression, reflection of his own surely, to a regretful gaze and he closes his eyes, unable to face what will inevitably happen. He’s seen it enough, the moment when the consequences hit.

Seungmin mutters unintelligible words. The next sounds he hears are footsteps and the bedroom door closing. He knows he will not take long for Seungmin to gather his stuff, get dressed, and leave, not with how meticulous the latter is with all his stuff and keeps them all in the same place every day. He also knows that it would be long enough for him to say something, try to fix it, maybe go back to a place where they could be friends, if he dared. 

Hyunjin does not do anything because he does not want to be friends with Seungmin, he wants more, and it is pointless to lie about it. It is wrong to manipulate the idea of a friendship while always secretly wishing for the day the platonic line would be crossed. And if Seungmin wanted the same as he does, he could stay. But he does not. Unlike their break-up, Hyunjin decides he does not want to watch him leave, so he picks himself up, leaves the messy kitchen and locks himself in the bathroom. 

***

Hyunjin is not sure how and when he went back to sleep or how he managed to drag himself out of the bathroom to go back to his bed, but the raging sound of the doorbell mixed with knocking over it, wakes him up. On the other side of the bed, Seungmin’s stuff is gone, he feels like the world has stopped. The sounds are the only things reminding him that he is still real and he painfully gets out of the bed. 

He fumbles a bit looking for his keys, and he starts also hearing the voices behind the door, he sighs. When he opens the door, he almost does not look at Minho and Felix and just goes to the couch. 

“Hey,” Minho starts, his voice sounds weird, “Seungmin texted and said something happened but…” 

There is a silence, and maybe they could see from where they are, the kitchen’s state but Hyunjin still does not bother to look at them. He winces at the name. 

“Are you hurt?” Felix asks carefully. 

He shakes his head. He should have explained the real situation to them from the beginning, now he has to deal with it and he really just wants to curl up in his bed and cry. If he stays silent enough maybe they would leave, which they would never do and in reality, Hyunjin did not want that. 

“We never got back together,” he spits out. His throat is dry. 

Minho appears in front of him, hands on his hips, a confused expression on his face. He grabs his phone furiously. 

“What are you doing?” Hyunjin asks him.

“I’m asking Seungmin for explanations.”

“No, no,” Hyunjin stops him, “don’t do that, okay, it’s my fault, it’s me.”

Felix flops down on the floor, legs crossed in front of him, “but when I told him I was happy for you two he just said thank you…”

“Why would you two lie about that?” Minho questions, he does not sound angry, which is odd.

Hyunjin shrugs, “I can’t answer for him but for me… I guess I just wanted to have an excuse so that no one would worry about us reconnecting.” 

His friends stay silent. 

“I didn’t plan it before, if you’re wondering,” he adds planly, “just when you guys thought that this what was happening, I rolled with it, because you would not worry about me if you thought we had sorted out things and decided to try again.” 

“Hyunjin…” Minho starts.

“You don’t have to lecture me or anything, okay? I know I did a fucked up thing, and that it was wrong to lie to you and that I should not have, now I’m hurt, like you probably would have told me from the beginning, I’m learning my lesson.” 

“We’re not going to lecture you,” Felix whispers. 

Now Hyunjin understands Minho’s voice. It is not anger, but sadness. 

“I feel bad,” Minho adds, “for not seeing through it, not question it more, and I felt better thinking you had Seungmin to take care of you so we could deal with other stuff and, fuck, I’m really sorry.”

Felix agrees, “me too, I feel like we let you down somehow.” 

“What?” Hyunjin says, in disbelief, “I’m the one who lied and hid things from you, and you’re apologizing?” 

“Since the break-up, we both felt like we were failing at something to help you,” Felix confesses. 

“Like we stood there knowing that you were hurting and we didn’t do anything, or like not the right thing, maybe, but we didn’t want you to think that we were pitying you or babying you,” Minho adds, “or even putting salt in the wound by pointing out that you could not move on.” 

“Don’t say that, guys, you helped me so much,” Hyunjin interrupts, “you gave me a place to belong, and the way I dealt, or more the way I didn’t deal with the break-up was not your responsibility at all. You could not have done anything more for me, and I don’t want you to feel guilty of anything.” 

He feels again tears in his eyes, he had not realized his friends pressuring themselves like that about his own toxic coping mechanism. 

“I went into a full denial phase after the first depression phase, acting like everything was fine and normal, instead of talking to you guys honestly. When you stop bringing it up, I was relieved, like my act was believable. Plus there was always something else to deal with and after a while, I thought it was too “old” for it to be worth talking about.” 

Minho hums, “and now? Maybe we can talk about now, what happened?” 

“I kissed him, I don’t know what got into me but he…” Hyunjin takes a deep breath to settle his voice a bit, “I was upset about my injury and he was comforting me, and he said something about me not being doomed to make the same mistakes over and over…” 

He shrugs, smiles bitterly, “and I made the same mistake again. I let my emotions take control. Well from the beginning I did that, rolling with the fake getting back together and him taking care of me, but we talked about the break-up in a way that made me think maybe he could feel the same way as I do. That he was still in love with me or something. I kissed him and he left.” 

“Hyunjin, answer me honestly, did you ask Seungmin to lie to us?” Minho cuts. 

“No, never. I didn’t even think of that, why would I do something like that. I never told Seungmin about this lie either, he is the one who came to see me even after the hospital, I was expecting him to never show up again.” 

His friends exchange a look. 

“You still love him, right?” Felix asks him. 

“Of course,” Hyunjin answers shamelessly, “I don’t think it changed even when he was out of my life.” 

“I think you’re being hard on yourself,” Minho continues, “you’re acting like you’re the one who pushed something on Seungmin and, not saying you had the greatest idea obviously, I see two people who were equally aware of the situation and decided to pretend it was fine. Even when given chances to speak up about it.”

He frowns, “what do you mean?” 

“He means Seungmin probably loves you too!” Felix shouts. 

“Either that or he is a master manipulator who wanted to destroy you, but, knowing him a bit, I don’t think it’s that…” 

Hyunjin’s heart stops beating for a second, preventing his braincells to understand anything. 

“Yeah, like he really did a dick move by running away but he sent us a text asking to check on you. He’s not a bad person, he’s just,” Felix shakes his head, “a person who did something hurtful.”

“Okay, and?” Hyunjin asks, still not sure where they are going but anxiously waiting for it.

Minho starts pacing around, “from an outsider point of view, I’d never advise someone to go back to their exes, like if it’s in the trash it’s for a reason.” 

Felix chokes up a broken laugh.

“Alright, but?” Hyunjin rushes him. 

“But,” his friend repeats dramatically, “from your best friend's point of view, and someone who has witnessed everything, and now this, maybe, maybe you could talk it out.”

“He does not want to talk it out, he would have stayed if so.” 

“You haven’t called him or sent him a text, since running after him although a romantic picture with that leg would have been impossible, does that mean if given a second chance, you would not take it?” 

“More like a third chance, now,” Felix comments. 

Hyunjin winces. Minho comes back near the couch, sitting on the coffee table so he can easily face Hyunjin and still see Felix. 

“I’m not saying going back together immediately, it does not sound like a healthy thing to do, but you told us the lack of communication ended the relationship in the first place. Obviously it is happening again, and sure, Seungmin is at fault there, but once these kinds of problems start it’s like a snowball effect.” 

“Yeah, it’s not like I’ve been honest with him either,” he mutters. 

“What worse could happen? You’ve already broken up, you’ve already become strangers to each other, and then fake date after you got physically injured, all the pain about this relationship, you’ve already felt it.” 

“Well, when we broken-up I already thought the worst had happened so I guess there can always be worse,” Hyunjin sourly jokes.

Minho rolls his eyes.

“Talking to him is not about finding an ending or a next part,” Felix helps, “It’s just about learning to communicate without expecting something. You’re right, we can always get more hurt, but sometimes we can gain something in it.” 

Hyunjin sighs. It makes sense. Plus the idea of maybe having a chance again warms him up completely, but his entire body and soul remembers how draining it was the last months of their relationship when he was trying to find a way to make it work. Just the idea that talking to Seungmin could mean reliving this kind of exhaustion and loneliness is terrifying. 

“What if he…” he does not know how to end this sentence so he just blinks, hiding away the tears. 

“It’s not about him, it’s about you. If you let it go like that, how will you feel?” 

He thinks for a second. “Like I’ve left things unsaid, that it’s not fair. And it sucks.” 

“You don’t have to make a decision right now,” Felix tells him softly, “you can take as long as you want, or never take any decision. We will support you anyway.” 

Before he can do anything Felix sits next to him and hugs him. The physical touch is so full of love and warmth that it makes him burst into tears. Lying to his friends for so long had had another consequence, putting their comfort and love away from him and he missed it so much. 

“Thanks,” he says between sobs. 

“We’re here for you,” Minho says very gently. 

“Yep,” Felix adds, and Hyunjin understands he is crying also, “no matter what happens.” 

***

When Hyunjin gets out of the bus, he feels a fresh breeze and he tries to take a deep breath in but the knot in his throat makes it almost impossible. He checks his phone, there is no message, it does not help the nervousness even if he is glad Seungmin had not cancelled on him. It took him several weeks to be able to send that text asking for a meet-up but he eventually did, and Seungmin answered positively. After a little while.

He does feel like he is imposing a discussion to Seungmin when the latter does not seem to want to, but amongst all the guilt and sadness that Hyunjin feels for how the situation ended up there is a very faint feeling of anger at the way Seungmin once again tries to avoid conflict and that he has to be the one reaching out. He did some fucked up things, asking him to stay with him, letting him take care of him, and then kissing him without his consent. Allowing his feelings to grow again for the one that got away was surely the most fucked up one. However, Minho’s right, Seungmin is an adult and got along with everything. Hyunjin wants to apologize for the kiss, he wants to do what they had never been able to before, be entirely honest about his feelings and his actions. He thinks it is not too much to ask for. Also Seungmin said yes, so maybe he will run away again but at least it will be clear.

He slowly walks toward the place where they are supposed to meet, he is a bit early, even if he had let go of the crutches a while ago, he can still feel the way his leg muscles have weakened and he tries to walk very carefuly. They are largely into spring now, yet the sky is grey and the breeze threatens to turn even colder. He shivers. At least it makes the square almost empty. If he has to get into an unpleasant conversation he would rather not have an audience. Although he promised his friends to not let things go that far. 

Say what you feel , he reminds himself, trying to play out his speech in his mind. If he could have, he would have written it on a paper and read it to Seungmin, but like the pathetic attempts he had made through texts nothing seems to work. He just has to trust his instincts now.

He finds an empty spot on a public bench and sits. He tries to keep himself busy by scrolling on his phone, but he can not focus on anything. He considers answering his friends’ messages but he does not know what to say since he has not seen Seungmin yet.

“Hello.” 

Hyunjin looks up and sees Seungmin. He checks the hour on the screen and then the other man. 

“I thought you would also come early,” Seungmin answers the unspoken question, “I could not spend another second waiting for the right moment.” 

Hyunjin feels his mouth go dry. 

“You chose a nice place for that,” the other says like he is talking about the weather. 

Seungmin turns away and looks at the building overhanging the square. The museum in which he used to work and where Seungmin would often visit has not changed a bit since their first meeting there. It had been a coincidence when later they had realized they had common friends, but even when Hyunjin was just giving Seungmin his entrance tickets, he had had a hard time not thinking of the pretty boy with brown eyes and a shy smile, especially not when he was coming again and again. 

“I haven’t been there in a while,” Seungmin comments. 

Hyunjin almost answers but he realises how it is simply a way to stall the actual conversation. 

“You took a while to agree to come, I almost thought you didn’t want to.” 

“I’m not sure I can give a good answer to that.” 

“Try me.”

Seungmin sighs, “I was scared, I guess? I tried to text you several times before you did, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to say anything I might regret, I didn’t want to hear or read words from you because I was afraid they could hurt me. And then you texted me and I felt like I was really pathetic that you had to do it.”

“Do you think I want to hurt you?” 

Seungmin stays silent. 

“If so, why did you come now?” 

“I didn’t want it to end because I was being a coward.” 

Hyunjin gasps on air. They stay silent for what seems like an eternity, he wants to say things, so many things but he is not sure where to start and Seungmin still stands there so close yet so far and everything is confusing. He is not sure what he means by “it”, he should ask, he wants to ask but it feels like the order is wrong. 

“I’m glad you came,” he says instead, “if you had not or if you had seen me and left, I’d have let it go, I didn’t want it to come across as me harassing you or not respecting your boundaries, again.” 

“Thank you for not giving up on me, you, more than anyone would be allowed to do it. It feels like I did the exact same thing as a year ago, running away,” Seungmin sighs, “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too, you know, it’s not like you were the only one making bad decisions all along. I’m sorry I kissed you without asking, I felt so bad about it, I’m sorry I’ve used the injury and being hurt to keep you near me for so long.” 

He shuts his mouth, he was not supposed to just apologize for everything and take all the blame. It does not seem to be the way to work this out anyway. 

“Honestly, it’s my friends who convinced me to talk to you,” he says again, “I felt like shit when you left again like it was a clear answer you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I just don’t want it to look like I’m trying to save this by myself, I was also about to give up.” 

Seungmin blinks, “I understand that.” 

He sounds hurt but Hyunjin tries to ignore it.

“I think what I want to say, what I have to say and I don’t know how to say it if it's not like it is, but if it’s too hard on you I’ll understand and you can always leave and I won’t take it personally…”

“Just say it.” 

Hyunjin stares at Seungmin, his lips are trembling and there is that look on his eyes, that expecting look, almost hopeful if he dares to interpret it. The other did not utter the order in a particularly angry manner, more in an eager way, a mix of sadness and fear. 

“I didn’t change my emergency contact because I could not take you out of my life, I could not move out of the apartment, I wanted to stay there, like you were still there, like we were still together that maybe one night I’d come home and you’d be there, and it would be normal. I knew it was unhealthy but I didn’t want to make it healthy if it meant living a life without you. So I just avoided the subject and worked until the only moment I’d thought of you was when I would come home but by then I was exhausted to really feel anything.”

He pauses, takes a deep breath, feels his lungs burn with the air that goes in and almost wants to stop and leave but he holds on to the bench because as long as Seungmin does not signify he does not want to listen, he has to say it. 

“I never thought I’d get hurt for real, or that you’d get a call like that, I was honestly shocked when I understood and saw you, but it just… It felt right. That you were here. I just wanted you to stay with me, the whole situation was so painful but you were back and, selfishly, I thought I deserved to have you back.” 

“You’re saying this like you took me in some hostage situation.” 

Hyunjin shrugs, he sniffles, “I let Minho and Felix think we were back together so they would not interfere, and I know how much you care about others, even if it was unconsciously, I was injured and depressed…” 

“Do you remember the day we broke up?” 

The question is so sudden it catches Hyunjin off guard, “of course,” he stutters. 

“I replayed it in my head over and over hoping I could find something in it that would give me an excuse to…” he pauses and hesitates, “no, more like this argument was an equation and the result was wrong and I hoped I could find the mistake in it to find the right result.” 

“And?” 

“You told me I was quitting.”

Hyunjin nods, “I know…” 

“I’m not trying to blame you or anything,” Seungmin sighs, “but that day I didn’t say anything and just left. And I know I didn’t quit, I never wanted to quit because quitting sounds like something easy and it was not, leaving you was the most difficult and stupid thing I have ever done, but how could you have known since I never said it? Even when you ask me the question I could not answer it.” 

The other man is not looking at him, he stares at the museum facade intensely, but he can hear the way his voice trembles. 

“I think somehow I expected you to guess stuff about me, what I was feeling and thinking, and when you didn’t I would be disappointed. And I did it again, right? You say you used your injury to make me care, and maybe you did, but it’s always easier for me to take care of others, their pain and feelings, to make sure there isn’t any space for mine.”

He sighs, rubs his temples with his hands.

“We’re here because you took the initiative, if it weren’t for you I’d have disappeared like I did a year ago and probably feel guilty forever about it. I don’t think I deserve that at all. Honestly I expected you to say that you hated me, and I would have understood it.” 

“Don’t say that,” Hyunjin says. He gets up, grabs Seungmin’s hands making him look at him. There are tears rolling down Seungmin’s face, “forget for a second about what we said when we were breaking up, do you remember what we said when we fell in love?” 

Seungmin tries to wipe off his tears but Hyunjin does not let go of his hands, “you told me you loved love but that you still loved me even more,” he whispers.

“And I tried to say this cheesy poetry line that you were the moon and I was the sun,” he smiles, “to that you said that I was warm and comforting, the most beautiful star but that it was not true because the sun and the moon can’t meet, plus if you were to be close to the sun, it would burn you up.”

“That you could never hurt me and that I would never want a world where I could not get to know you.” 

Hyunjin nods.

“I still stand by that,” Seungmin says softly. 

“Yet I did, I hurt you, I didn’t want to but it happened. I told you you were a quitter, I thought for a long time that it had been easy for you because you didn’t love me as much as I love you. I could not read your mind when you were not talking to me, but I still believed those things about you when things were hard. I forgot all the love you showed me. Maybe you care that much to hide yourself, but it’s also how you love.” 

“I…” 

“You’re telling me you think you don’t deserve someone to run after you, I feel bad I didn’t do it earlier. If speaking up and telling you how I feel can be an exemple for you to do the same, for now I am able to do that for you. I still love you more than love itself, even if you don’t want to get back together with me, this will never change, you will always be the one.” 

He feels Seungmin squeeze his hands, pulling him a bit closer, his eyes are still watery, but he has the beginning of a smile on his lips. Hyunjin can not hear his own thoughts over the sound of his heart beating. 

“I was terrified you would not want to date me again, I thought today would just be the last page of our story,” he let out, “I’ve never wanted anything more than to be with you, the past month has only been a confirmation of that.”  

“It’s what I want also,” Seungmin whispers, “but I’m afraid of making another mistake with you, of having a shot for a second chance and messing up again because honestly I’m not sure how I will go on if it happens again. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for letting this get in the way completely, leaving you hurt and lonely because I was not strong enough to be brave.”

Hyunjin smiles softly, “maybe we can start by not running away when we’re scared? And being more honest even when it’s about bad stuff?”

“Maybe, maybe we can start there,” Seungmin agrees. 

“Let’s make this promise then, not to never be afraid or upset, but to let ourselves show it to each other and make sure we will do our best to understand and be patient when we have to.” 

They intertwined their fingers. 

“I promise to not run away when things get difficult, I promise you won’t have to be the only one fighting for us.”

And if the spring breeze is the only witness of their oath, Hyunjin’s heart tells him that it is more than enough.