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Jen sits at the table of the Knope-Wyatt household trying to ensure that nothing of hers comes into direct contact with a single surface in their very sticky home. A nervous looking Ben and Leslie sit across from her.
“Alright,” she says bluntly, “what is it you needed to talk to me about? An affair? Did you find religion? Does one of your kids have a drug problem-”
“They’re three,” Ben says in disbelief.
“Well, what is it? I’m sure no matter what it is we can either cover it up or put some kind of positive spin on it.”
“No, it’s none of those things,” Leslie cuts in and takes a deep breath. Ben reaches out and covers her hand with his and gives an encouraging smile. “I’m pregnant.”
Jen looks back and forth between the two but is in a state of disbelief. “Wait, seriously?” Their happy smiles and nods not only confirm their previous statements, but also make her a little bit sick. “Jesus, do people not believe in birth control in Indiana?”
Ben opens his mouth to argue, but Jen holds up a hand to silence him. “No, don’t. Save your arguments. As gross and disgusting as I find your personal life choices, this is actually something I can work with. As you’re well aware,the press still loves to attack you as anti-family, so this should help with that. It’ll endear Leslie to the more conservative housewives, and men are oddly more respectful of you when they see you’ve impregnated something. I don’t know, it’s evolutionary, I think.”
Ben pinches his face. “That’s…disturbing.”
“Yes, yes it is, but we can use it to our advantage. Now that I think of it, this is a pretty good campaign strategy. It’s not much use now, but once you start to show, we’ll put you in some tight clothes to accentuate the baby bump and throw you onstage.”
“This baby isn’t career ploy,” Leslie says, folding her arms defensively.
Jen waves her hand, already pulling out her phone and typing into it. “No, of course not. That’d be stupid. After the election you’d be stuck with a kid, and that’s beyond terrible. I’m just saying that I can use this to help you.”
Ben nods slowly, his eyes fleeting over to Leslie’s still flat stomach and smiling. “Well, we definitely appreciate it. Things are going to get even crazier around here.”
As if on cue, three simultaneous screams of “Mommy” and “Daddy” pierce the air followed by a loud crash.
“Well,” Jen says getting up quickly, “I’m gonna get out of here before I wind up with gum in my hair. This haircut cost me 500 dollars, and the one without the glasses has it out for me.”
Ben and Leslie say a quick goodbye on their way to investigate the mess upstairs, and Jen let’s herself out.
She needs a stiff drink and a very long shower.
~~~~~
Jen stands next to a heavily pregnant Leslie offstage as the Congressional Debate is in full swing. Leslie watches intently while her hands rub slow circles over her expanding belly.
As one of Ben’s opponents drones on, Leslie breaks the silence.
“Well, he’s doing good so far, right?”
“Oh yeah,” Jen answers offhandedly. “He’s got this in the bag. His opponents are all morons, and I’m pretty sure Wilson over there is still hungover.”
“Good. He’s been so worried. I don’t think he’s had a decent night’s sleep in a week between this and the kids and my late night cravings.”
Jen grunts a response and they are both plunged back into silence. She looks over at Leslie’s bump and suddenly feels obligated to keep the small talk going. She doesn’t like that feeling one bit.
“So, how have you been, you know,” she circles her hand in front of Leslie’s stomach, “with all…that?”
Leslie looks genuinely surprised by her sudden interest and smiles broadly. “I’ve been good. Compared to the triplets, this pregnancy has been a cakewalk.”
“Good. I noticed you haven’t put on a lot of extra weight, which is good. You’ll be back to your pre-pregnancy weight in no time.”
“Uhm, thank you? I think?”
“No, it’s good thing. There’s nothing the media loves more than counting the post-baby pounds.”
“That’s comforting,” Leslie grimaces.
“Yeah, well, that’s how it is for a woman in politics. It’s only gonna get worse from here.”
“I’ve been eating nonstop. I guess it’s a good thing that the kids and my job keep me busy and burn calories.”
At the mention of the kids, Jen’s eyes go wide. “They’re not here are they?”
“Oh God no,” Leslie laughs. “They’re staying with my mom. Ever since we moved to D.C., she spoils them when we come back home.”
“And how long until that one comes out?”
“Soon. We’re staying here until the election, so there’s a good chance she’ll be born in Pawnee, too.” Leslie’s eyes go wide and she squirms. “Sorry, she’s jumpy today. Do you wanna feel?”
Jen can’t even hide her distaste. “Oh, hell no. I get it that some people think children are beautiful, wonderful gifts or whatever, but you have a literal parasite growing in your uterus sucking the life and youth out of you. That’s disgusting.”
“Well, kids aren’t for everyone.”
“Damn straight.” Jen puts one hand on her hip and makes a sweeping motion up and down her body with the other. “Do you see this figure? World leaders have bowed before this body. Like hell I’m gonna let a screaming, parasitic blob ruin it and suck on my tits until they sag to my waist.”
The two turn their attention back to the debate as Ben answers the next question.
After what seems like an eternity of pointless rambling from most of the candidates, the debate is finally over and Ben saunters his way offstage.
“Honey, you were wonderful,” Leslie practically squeals and Jen almost covers her ears in annoyance.
“Thank you,” Ben answers, leaning down to give his wife a joyful kiss. “What about you?” he asks looking over to Jen, suddenly nervous. “What did you think?”
“You did good. You came off as knowledgeable while still being understandable and relatable, your economic outline was by far your strongest point, and good job on mentioning your kids and knocked-up wife. That got a strong reaction from the crowd.”
“I was just speaking honestly,” he says with a shrug. “They needed to understand that I have a personal attachment to the area and want my family to grow up-”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Jen interrupts. “You don’t have to sell yourself to me. I’m not voting.” She points to the thinning crowd. “But all of those hicks out there are, and I think you did a good job of luring them over to your side. Plus, you’re by far the youngest candidate, and that’ll get you the youth vote. You’re being referred to all over Gryzzl as the ‘Hot One’.”
Ben looks like he’s torn between flattered and perplexed. “That’s good, I guess.”
“Ooo, babe, the hot one,” Leslie teases. “It’s most definitely the pregnancy hormones because I am simultaneously turned on and also want to gouge out the eyes of every teenie bopper looking at you.”
“Okay,” Jen cuts in, “now that this is all over, I’m going to leave and go to a bar and most likely go home with a hot, random stranger. Because I can. Because I, unlike you, have no children or spouse.” She pockets her phone and walks off with a wave over her shoulder.
She can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
~~~~~
Jen applies her fourth coating of hand sanitizer as she walks down the hall in the maternity ward. She’s still running off the high of the win–and a few shots of whiskey– but is quickly being dragged down by this literal germ incubator.
But the sooner she gets this done and over with, the sooner she can hop on a plane back to civilization.
She walks into the open door to their room and Ben looks up with a beaming smile. He’s seated on the edge of the bed, Leslie holding a small bundle in her arms, and the three-–god they already had three of them-–toddlers are staring at their new sister. The one without the glasses briefly looks up and smiles menacingly before going back to lightly poking his sister in the face.
God, she hates that kid.
“Well, congratulations.”
“Thanks,” Ben says with an even bigger smile than before. “We couldn’t be happier. She’s healthy and perfect. We’re calling her Madeleine, Maddie for short.”
Jen furrows her brow in confusion before shaking her head. “Oh, no, I meant congratulations on winning the election, but sure this is good, too, I guess.”
“Oh, right. Yeah, this has just been a crazy day. Thank you so much for covering for me. Your speech was amazing.”
“Of course it was. It was genius. Just like your wife’s idea to go into labor hours before the polls closed. This was brilliant. It got us at least twice as much press as we would have gotten otherwise”
“Well, she didn’t plan for this to happen.”
“You know, I tried, but I really don’t care how it happened. It did and you won and it’s all wonderful, and now I can go home.”
“Well, we definitely appreciate you stopping by,” Leslie says with far too much joy for someone who pushed a seven pound human from her vagina. Jen clenches her thighs and grimaces just thinking about it.
“Ben here is a very special client. I don’t make hospital visits for just anyone.” The couple laugh, but Jen stares at them. “No, I’m serious. I didn’t even visit my mom when she was in the hospital for chemotherapy.” Their smiles drop and it’s their turn to stare. “Oh, don’t worry. She went into remission eventually.”
“Right,” Leslie says slowly. “Well, we appreciate it all the more. Did you want to hold her?”
She’s pretty sure she’s never heard a more ridiculous request in her life. “No no no no no, that’s okay. This suit probably cost more than this hospital room, and I am not risking getting any infant bodily fluids on it.”
Jen stands there for a few more seconds until she can’t ignore the overwhelming desire to run away from this place as fast as she can. “Okay, well, congratulations again on…everything. I hate to chat and run, but I can actually feel the germs multiplying on me as we speak. So, just an update, I handled everything at the campaign headquarters and dismissed all of the volunteers. Your official acceptance speech is scheduled for tomorrow, and if you need anything just give me a call.”
“Thanks again for coming,” Leslie smiles before looking over at the other three kids, who, thankfully, have been fairly quiet. “Say goodbye to Jen, you guys.”
The girl and glasses wave enthusiastically and scream their goodbyes, while the other one just stares at her like he’s looking into her soul.
Ben walks her to the door and once again says his thanks. “I wouldn’t have gotten this without you.”
“What can I say, you’re good at what you do, and so am I. You’re destined for great things, Ben. This is just the first step in the right direction. I know talent when I see it. I’ll be keeping an eye out for what you can do next.”
He smiles gratefully and wishes her a safe flight.
“Oh,” she tosses over her shoulder, “make sure Leslie showers and puts on some makeup before you leave. I can guarantee there will be people stalking the exit waiting for a picture of you guys, and frankly, she looks like shit.”
Ben’s jaw drops. “She just had a baby.”
“I don’t make the rules, I just tell you what you need to know. Blame Kate Middleton. She set the bar way too high and ruined it for all new mothers everywhere. I’m outta this hell hole. Have fun not sleeping for the next 18 years. I’ll see you when you’re back in Washington.”
She leaves without another backwards glance.