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“It’s a boy! We’ve named him Ted, after Dora’s father!”
It had been a whirlwind of a day after that. Shell Cottage had been bursting with a happiness that it hadn't been subjected to yet. Even the walls felt like they were thrumming with excitement. The inhabitants of Shell Cottage had remained in the living room long after Remus left, huddled around the fireplace, with drinks in their hands and soft smiles on their faces. Slowly, they bade each other goodnight and trickled into their rooms.
Harry was even hopeful that he might get a good night's sleep, one not riddled with as many nightmares. But no matter how many good thoughts resided in his mind, he couldn't seem to fall asleep. Something was nagging him, a thought which was just out of his reach. He tossed and turned, even tried some of the stupid Occlumency exercises, but to no avail. Annoyed, he got out of bed and wandered into the living room, the almost burned out fire bathing the space in a warm glow which reminded him of the Gryffindor common room. He flicked his wand and the fire grew a little, just enough for a cozy warmth to envelope him as he burrowed into the couch.
Even with all this, however, sleep wouldn't find him. He heard footsteps approaching him and tensed, but it was a light, familiar voice that said "I thought I heard someone. What's up, can’t sleep?"
Harry shrugged. With a small smile, he replied "I had thought today's events might actually result in a good sleep. Clearly, I was wrong. What about you, couldn’t sleep either?"
"Oh no, I slept like a baby. Woke up from the sound of someone moving about though, thought I'd check whether everything was fine."
Before Harry could even begin to apologize, Bill spoke again. "You're not gonna say sorry right now, are you? It's all thanks to these," he pointed towards his scars, "and they give me some peace of mind knowing I can hear stuff much better, so don't go around feeling sorry for me either."
Harry smiled. "Go back to sleep, Bill. Don't let me keep you up."
Bill slid into the opposite seat and jokingly bit back, "Well well, hold your horses, Uncle Harry. Still a while before you get to boss some- mate, you alright?"
Harry had gone very, very still. His eyes were wide open and he was staring at Bill as if he had given him a death sentence.
Hesitantly, Bill asked, “Did I say something wrong?”, but the words did not seem to reach Harry.
Bill Weasley was at a loss. The silence stretched for minutes, which felt like hours. In those few minutes, Harry got up and paced in front of the fire, then stopped, worrying he might wake someone up, sat down and glared into the fire, turned to Bill, squared his jaw and turned to the fire again.
Bill decided to let Harry sort out his obviously distressed mind in peace. Meanwhile, he wondered what exactly could have shaken the young wizard so. He mulled over the words which had made Harry as still as the gargoyles at Hogwarts ( which is not much, really, considering how much they like to prance about and scare the odd first-year out after curfew , he offhandedly noted), but there seemed to be only one possible answer, which didn’t seem right. Why would Harry react this way to being called Uncle? Excitement, he would’ve understood. Even nervousness would be expected. But why this weird look in his eyes? The green eyes held in them a sort of restlessness which he had not seen even when the trio had been wearing the floor down, anxious to do something . And there was something else there, which confused him even more. It almost felt as if Harry had been afraid when Bill uttered the word.
Bill shook his head, sure he was reading too much into it. Just because he was the eldest of his siblings, just because his close contact with Goblins made him more perceptive, did not mean he could analyze everyone’s thoughts and emotions.
Shaking himself out of his reverie, he realized Harry still hadn’t said anything and softly asked, “Harry, mate, what’s wrong? Is it something I said? I’m sorry, I was just kidding –” he stopped on seeing the sad, not-quite-a-smile on Harry’s face. What in Godric’s name was the matter?
“Don’t worry, Bill, you didn’t say anything wrong. Something had just been nagging me in the back of my mind, and I suddenly realized what it was. I’ll deal with it tomorrow, gonna try and catch some sleep now. Night.”
Harry had barely taken two steps when Bill asked the dreaded question. “What are you afraid of, Harry?”
The younger wizard stilled. Without turning around, he forced a chuckle and spoke, “Night time making you sentimental? Or is this your way of getting to know people better?”
“You know what I mean. Was it me calling you Uncle Harry? Are you – ”. A sharp intake of breath made Bill pause. Hit the nail right on the head , he thought grimly, as the dark-haired wizard fell bonelessly into the seat he had occupied moments before.
Bill left him alone with his thoughts for the time being, trying to figure out what the problem might be. It had something to do with the kid, then. Maybe he was just scared for the little guy. That would certainly make sense, what with the Dark side overpowering them day-by-day. But then, why would Harry say it was something he suddenly realized? None of them really had the luxury of putting the war at the back of their minds, least of all Harry. It just didn’t make sense that that was the main issue there. What, then, could be going on in his mind? Something related to Teddy, but not specifically about the war?
And then, before he could even realize what was happening, his brain made a connection. Bill almost laughed at his stupid train of thoughts. There was no way that would be a problem for Harry. The kid loved Remus with his whole being. Deciding that he had let the silence go on too long, his absurd thoughts proving his point, Bill nudged Harry with his toes. The latter jumped, hand reaching towards his wand, before seeming to remember his situation.
Wryly, Bill commented “Glad I’m not the only jumpy one, Fleur always makes fun of me for it. Need some tea, though? You seem a little on the edge.”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Alright then, shall we talk about what’s bothering you?”
“It’s really nothing, Bill. Forget anything happened, yeah?” The smile did not reach Harry’s eyes, and Bill sighed.
“It’s obviously not nothing, Harry. Just lay it out, get it off your chest. Is it jitters from becoming a godfather? Are you secretly afraid of little kids with tiny fingers? You certainly don’t have to worry about him ruining your hair, atleast.”
Harry chuckled despite himself. “That I can’t disagree with, it can’t get any more untidy if I tried.”
When Bill continued to look at him expectantly, Harry sighed, seeing no other way out of it than to say enough to let Bill think he had talked about his worries. Seriously, what was it with people around him wanting him to share his worries? Didn’t they have enough to deal with themselves, to add his issues to the mix?
“I was- blimey. Yeah. I was too excited, I guess, too happy and nervous when Remus asked me. I think I’m just now processing what all that would entail and I never- I didn’t connect the dots. When I- when he- and then the picture- I shouldn’t have said yes! Merlin, why did I say yes?” Harry was working himself into a panic, and Bill’s heart was sinking. He knew there was a risk. Hell, he had experienced the risk first hand and was still afraid of the possibilities for himself, for his family! But he never expected this. Harry had been so happy for them, he had supported Tonks and even (literally) knocked some sense into Remus. Would he really run away from this? Did he really regret the title that the new parents had so lovingly adorned him with?
Even a hint of this would break Remus’s heart. Hell, it broke his heart, and he wasn’t even the one Harry was talking about! No. He couldn’t let this happen.
He glanced at Harry, who once again seemed to be lost in his thoughts. He had to handle this carefully though. Having solved as many of his siblings’ conflicts and emotional turmoils as he had, Bill knew he had to be delicate. The kid had a good heart, he knew it. He just had to help him see the right path.
He began slowly, but with conviction. “I understand that the situation is hardly… ideal. There is a risk, everyone knows that. Everyone has known that for ages. You knew too, Harry. But you never wavered. Don’t do this now, think it through please. For Remus, for Tonks. Do it for the kid, Harry.”
“I am doing this for them, don’t you get it? The kid does not deserve this, Bill.”
Bill lost his temper. “Of course the kid does not deserve this, don’t you think we don’t know that? Do you think Remus, of all people, does not know that? But he still wants you to do this, Harry! If you back off now, and because of this , it will fucking kill him! I thought you were just scared for the kid, you know? I saw the biggest smile on your face when Remus broke the news, I saw the love in your eyes when you looked at the picture, and I thought it was just worry making you uncertain. But to think that you would rather break Remus’s and Tonks’s hearts, that you would leave – abandon - their child? I cannot fucking believe this.”
“Yes, I would rather abandon the child than see him hurt, why is it so difficult for you to wrap your head around that? And if that breaks their heart, I think they’re the ones who need to sort out their priorities, don’t you think?”
The sudden outburst left Bill shocked. Trying to reign in his temper, the curse-breaker replied in a deadly quiet, but no less powerful, voice. “Thank You-Know-Who that I am not beating the shit out of you right now, Potter. You expect me to understand your apprehensions? Do you really think so little of them to believe that they would be okay with you throwing away a responsibility they trusted you with just so you can protect your peace of mind and exist in your shiny little bubble where unicorns fart treacle tarts and little kids do not become werewolves? Do you think Remus would say ‘That’s alright, Harry, werewolves deserve to be discarded anyway. Who wants to watch furry little beasts hurt themselves, eh?’ "
Pausing for a breath, Bill finally noticed the look of horror on Harry’s face, and continued mockingly, “Didn’t think that far, Potter? Or are you just not used to people calling you out?” It was a low blow, he knew. Contrary to a certain potions master’s belief, the world spent much more time ridiculing Harry than “worshiping” him. Even Bill, having been overseas for the better part of the past six years since Harry had re-entered the Wizarding World, knew that.
Harry barely registered the scornful comments. “I didn't mean it like that, Bill. I don’t- I could never– no. That is not what this is about. Merlin forbid the lycanthropy have any effect on the kid, but I would never, ever put that before himself. I never did that with Remus, and I would never do that with any other werewolf, let alone a child. I really don’t know how to make you believe this, but I swear that thought never crossed my mind, and it never will. I’m so sorry I even – ”
Sagging with relief at the vehement words, the fight literally leaving his body, Bill interrupted him. “Oh thank fuck. It’s alright, I believe you, Harry. I am sorry for even thinking that. It’s just that – bloody hell. I kept telling myself there was no way you would think like that, but the way you were speaking… I just got too defensive thinking of Remus and little Teddy, I guess, and I just couldn’t believe you would stoop that low.”
They sat in silence, Bill glad he had assumed wrongly, Harry equal parts horrified that Bill thought so low of him and glad that he at least seemed to believe him.
Knowing he was probably pushing the limits but desperately trying to understand the seventeen year old’s turmoil, Bill voiced his questions. “What is it then, really? What does Teddy not deserve that he would have to deal with if you’re his godfather?”
The silence stretched. Just when Bill thought Harry had built the walls around him back up, Harry spoke, almost pensively. “No child deserves to be treated wrong, you know. They deserve love, affection, care. They deserve to be cherished, protected.”
“You love the kid, Harry, you said it yourself. And I know you’re not so stupid as to believe you wouldn’t be able or willing to protect him from anyone who even thinks of hurting him.”
Harry smiled bitterly. “I would give my life in a heartbeat to protect him from others, but who will protect him from me?”
“From you? What are you- Harry, you healed a gnome that Fred threw into a tree ‘a little too hard’, you couldn’t hurt him if you tried!”
Harry scoffed. “If you think hitting a child is the only way you can hurt a kid, Bill, this conversation is not for you.”
Bill took a deep breath, trying not to think too much about how the words had sounded as if coming from someone who knew a little too well about the aforementioned ways, and focused on the thing of urgent importance – getting some sense through the Chosen One’s thick skull. “You’re not listening, Harry. I said you wouldn’t hurt him, and I mean it in any way. You already love him too much to do anything which would cause him harm.”
The silence stretched, broken only by the ticking of the clock, before words seemed to tumble out of the young wizard's mouth. “I don’t- I don’t let people in. I don’t get close to people, because that means they would get hurt- no, don’t even try to disagree, you know it’s true. I cannot condemn a baby, Remus’s baby , to a life like that. So yeah, hate me all you want, but I’d rather be the supposed villain here than even think of destroying a child’s life so completely.”
Bill was stumped. “What exactly is the problem here, Harry? What you’re saying right now, these might be some of your fears, but this is not what has you in such a panic. I can see it in your face. What’s actually bothering you so much?”
There was a crackle from the fireplace as the flame momentarily rose higher, illuminating the room with a warm light much in contrast to the conversation at hand. Harry’s jaw ticked. After a few minutes, he spoke up, voice barely above a whisper.
“That is the problem. I am the problem, not the baby, not Remus, not even the fucking lunatic raging a war right now. I keep people at an arm’s length because I know that’s what’s best for them. Maybe it doesn’t make them the happiest, but if it keeps them alive then that’s a bargain I’m more than willing to make. And I just don’t have it in me to take up a responsibility I know I’m not capable of fulfilling." It seemed like a dam had broken, and words seemed to pour out of the agitated teen relentlessly, face screwed up as if even the thoughts and implications physically hurt him. "It is so difficult to treat a child right, Bill. But it’s so easy, so annoyingly simple to fuck their lives up. Hitting them is not the only thing that hurts them. Neglect breaks you. It tears you apart. It makes you feel worthless. It gives you wounds that bleed and bleed and never heal, and you don’t even want them to heal because you think you deserve the pain. It robs you of a childhood you never even knew you should’ve had, because all you know is that everything has to be earned and, when you couldn’t even earn your guardian’s love no matter what you did, what could you possibly do to earn anything good in life? I have seen what it can do to a child, Bill. I have been that child. And I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemies. So forgive me if I don’t want that for Remus’s baby.” And then, before he could beat himself up over that little slip-up, Harry stood up to leave the room.
He was almost at the staircase when Bill spoke, staring at the fireplace. “Did you know Fleur has been knitting a sweater for little Lupin since we first got the news? She learned how to knit from a magazine Mum lent to her, and she’s even made him some mittens. They’re wonky, you know, and probably much too large for the baby.”
When Bill continued to gaze vacantly at the flames, not saying anything else, Harry replied softly, unsure. “That is… that’s nice of her. Remus and Tonks would love that, I’m sure.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they would.” The eldest Weasley sibling turned towards Harry, an unknown fire blazing in his eyes. Slowly, weighing each word carefully, he continued. “When we first started dating, none of us had expected something this good, this meaningful, out of it. She had to go back to France at the end of the month, and I had a family here. We thought of it as nothing more than a summer love. Before the summer even ended, I think we both started to realize that this was the real deal. She was ecstatic, I was shit scared. I couldn’t leave my family and go to France with her, and there was no way I could let her be here, in the midst of a rapidly approaching war. I had, obviously, underestimated how stubborn she could be. I spent weeks telling her being with me was basically like painting a target on her head, she said she could take care of herself very well. I said she didn’t deserve to live in a war, she said neither did any of us. I said we had no choice, and she laughed.” Bill smiled, almost involuntarily. Harry had, with some uncertainty, reclaimed his seat at some point during his story. “She laughed at me, Harry, and said that if I thought she was coward enough to leave me behind in this mess, that if I thought that was something that had even once crossed her mind, then maybe I did not know her at all. I knew it was not a battle worth fighting anymore. I wouldn’t lie and say I wasn’t a little selfish, but at some point I realized that denying myself that happiness because of my fears was not the solution.”
A pause, then he continued. “I think what I’m trying to say here is sometimes, when people love us, they do not care about the dangers they might have to face. What they care about is whether they can be there to hold our hands, to fight those demons by our side. I’ve heard you say so many times that you’re not safe to be around, that anyone close to you will get hurt. You’ve pushed Gin away saying the same – don’t try to disagree Harry, I’ve been the oldest for far too long to not get what’s going on in my siblings’ lives – you’ve tried doing the same with Ron and, I’m sure with Hermione too. Yet they keep holding on to you, don’t they? If I know them at all, they must have been angry, just like Fleur was, when you suggested they should stay away from you. Don’t you think the kid deserves that chance too?”
Harry frustratedly ran a hand through his perpetually-untidy hair, “I appreciate what you’re trying to say, Bill, and I appreciate you sharing that with me as well. But you must know, it’s just not the same.”
“Isn’t it though? Is it because you’re the Boy Who Lived, with a big target on your head, and I’m just a pureblood doing my best to thwart the Dark Lord and his pureblooded legions, being targeted for being a blood traitor? Do you think Remus, a known werewolf, does not know what it’s like being targeted, does not worry about endangering those around him? Or is it Dora, a well known Auror, a halfblood, pretty much known to be a member of the Order, condemned as a blood traitor as well, who is completely safe from what is going on? I know you are, for some reason, You-Know-Who’s sworn enemy and while we cannot even begin to imagine the kind of horrors you have faced, this is not a battle for you alone to fight. You’re not alone in this fight, and you wouldn’t be alone taking care of the kid either. Remus and Tonks will be there, of course. Andromeda is there, Mum is there, Fleur and I, Ron, Hermione, who do you think would not go out of their way for the kid, for you?”
Wringing his hands and not meeting Bill’s eyes, Harry replied. “It’s not- it’s not just that. I know loads of people are there for him. It’s not that I don’t trust you guys, I just don’t trust myself with this.” He took a deep breath, as if it took a lot for him to even say the next words, before continuing. “My uncle… he’s not really a model relative, let’s say. When I think of an uncle, he is who I think of. I don’t have anyone else to draw inspiration from. How am I supposed to know what to do when the baby gets hurt? How am I supposed to help him figure things out when I don’t know jack? How am I supposed to know how to scold him when he does something wrong so I don’t spoil him so much that he ends up like Dudley, when the only punishments I know of are ones I wouldn’t even wish on Bellatrix? How am I supposed to figure this all out without becoming my uncle?”
Although he had only ever had slightly wolfish tendencies since that night, Bill now felt an anger in him so strong, so beastly, it almost felt foreign. Filing away the details that Harry had just spilled for when he didn't have distressed teenager at his hand, and vowing to find the man who was supposed to have been a parental figure to Harry growing up and showing him just why Gringotts had hired him to deal with curses, Bill took a deep breath. He knew he had to tread lightly here so Harry, who had already grown quite hysterical by the end of that little rant, didn’t go back into his shell.
Bill wished his father was here right now, knowing that he would know just what to say to make all of Harry’s worries go away. Praying to Merlin he wasn’t fucking everything up, Bill asked, “Have you ever known any brothers other than that whale of a cousin of yours?”
Appropriately perplexed, Harry answered with a brief shake of his head.
“How did you know how to be the amazing brother you have been to Ron?”
“I- Ro- huh?”
Bill smiled sadly; this kid really does not know how important he is. “Harry, you are one of the best things that has happened to Ron, and I would stand by my words if even Merlin himself disagreed. You have been nothing short of a brother to him, oftentimes a better one than those of us who have the same ginger hair as him. If you could be that for him as an eleven year old when the only “brother” you had ever had was that bully Dursley, then I’m pretty sure you’d do just alright figuring this one out as well. You don’t have a mean bone in your body, kid.”
Bill waited for Harry to speak up, but the younger wizard, his sibling in everything but blood, seemed at a loss. Softly, encouragingly, Bill spoke again. “It is a testament to how much you care that you’re even thinking these things right now, that you’re literally ready to break Remus’s heart – because I know you wouldn’t tell him the actual reason if you decided to get him to make someone else the godfather – just for the sake of a kid whom you haven’t even met yet. I do not know well about what life was for you before Hogwarts, and even that I only know through stories I’ve heard from the others, but what I do know is you’re nothing like the people who were supposed to raise you. Even with the way they treated you, you turned out into an amazing man who gives and gives and never asks for anything back, who thinks he doesn’t deserve the love that people have for him. Remus loves you, Harry, and Tonks and him are trusting you with him. You need to trust them a little too, yeah? You need to have faith in their choice to make you the godfather, and you need to give yourself a chance and do this.”
Harry, in a tone so hesitant and a voice so small it made Bill want to personally curse every single person who ever let Harry down (starting with the bloody Muggles whom even Hagrid detested), finally broke his silence. “Do you- do you really think I can do this?”
“Of course you can, and you'll bloody ace it too. You’ve made me go all sappy here, mate, don’t let that be in vain.” Bill replied, wryly. Seeing Harry's shoulders relax ever so slightly, the redhead smiled. “Now go have a lie in and I’ll do the same. Better get good sleep while we can.”
The new godfather got up from the humongous couch and walked across to the door. At the first step, he turned towards the sole inhabitant of the living room. “I never got the chance to congratulate you guys, now that I think about it. I’m really happy for you and Fleur.”
“Thank you, Uncle Harry.”
It was a wonky little thing, all rough around the edges, but, this time, the new godfather smiled.