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“Is he sleeping at last?”
Magnus whispers, bending towards Alec, who’s been cradling Rafael in his arms for almost an hour. They can’t put him in his bed, waiting for him to get asleep after a couple of fairy tales. Rafe becomes restless and begs them not to go away, like he needs to be absolutely certain to find his dads again the day after. Like he needs to forbid them from disappearing from his view. They don’t know exactly what this child went through, but he was fostered at a few families, and he’s always been brought back to the institute where he’d been left just after he was born, because he was “difficult”. Poor baby. He must fear abandonment, and Magnus, who’s even too much aware of what that means, is absolutely determined their home to be Rafe’s ultimate one. They have time, they can make him feel sure that he’s loved and cherished and that now he has a real family.
More so, Rafe arrived just two weeks ago, it’s really too little time for him to be already used to a safe, permanent environment. He’s brave and curious and smart, but eventually, he’s a five-year-old boy. So, since bedtime represents for him one of the most scaring moments of the day, they decided to let him get asleep cradled by one of them – mostly, his dads, but everyone is happy to act as a nanny, so they take turns – and put him in bed only when dads tuck in for the night too.
Alec nods, though they don’t need to be too quiet around Rafe. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by surrounding noises, as long as someone is lulling him. Alec looks at him, almost unable to believe that life, after taking so much from him, has blessed him with such gifts: a man he loves with all his heart and from whom he’s loved in return, and this tender, chubby son who’s peacefully, trustfully resting in his arms, his black locks disheveled, his pink mouth pouting, his small hands clutching Alec’s sweater. Alec feels his heart swell almost painfully, love and joy and emotion brimming over, and clutches Rafe a little more at his chest. A loving hand strokes Alec’s hair and neck, and a sweet kiss is put on his cheek. Alec disentangles an arm from under Rafe and grabs Magnus’ hand, intertwining their fingers. They’re happy, much more than they believed they could ever be.
Maryse and Robert have already retired to bed. They usually read or watch TV or listen to some music before sleeping, but they usually do it on their own, leaving the young members of the family to enjoy their mutual company. These evenings are mostly spent in family games or playing cards, sometimes with small pledges the losers are bound to pay. This is one of those nights: Clary and Simon have joined them and they’re going to play cards tonight. Alec is already dreading the price his siblings and his husband will request from him, since he’s really bad with cards and also a sore loser.
As usual, Magnus has prepared a small bedding on the couch for Rafael, to let him sleep peacefully next to them until it’s bedtime for everyone, so as he’s not alone, should he wake up or have a nightmare – it’s not usual, but it happened, so better safe than sorry. He picks up their son from Alec’s arms and cradling him against his shoulder, he moves to the couch, gently laying him down and tucking him into a soft blanket. Rafe stirs a little in his sleep but doesn’t wake up and puts his thumb in his mouth, fiercely sucking. Magnus kisses him once, and then again and again. If he weren’t afraid of waking him, Magnus would hold him as tight as he can, unable to express with words the love he feels for this baby. Alec looks at him in awe, enraptured by the sheer happiness painted on his husband’s face, and the two of them keep exchanging loving glances until someone clears their throat, then someone whistles, or hisses, or starts humming a song, to make them realize that it’s time to have fun and not to make love publicly.
“Guys…” Jace says mockingly.
Alec raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, we’re ready…”
Magnus moves back to the table and the game can begin, at last.
**
“Phew… saved by the bell!” Magnus exclaims, leaving a pouting Alec behind. As expected, Alec lost and now he’s bound to bend to the penance the other gamblers will choose to assign him. They’re chatting, gathered in circle to secretly debate the punishment, when Isabelle jumps up enthusiastically.
“I know! I know how to make Alec squirm! Ha, you’ll see!”
No one dares to object – Izzy is a force of nature and stubborn as hell – so they all come back to their seat, waiting for her to explain.
“Big brother, you must tell us one of your dirty secrets! And don’t even try to lie, you know I can read you as an open book.”
“Hey, I don’t have dirty secrets!” Alec replies, frowning.
“I’m sure you do, bro, and” she comes closer to him, digging her finger into his chest, “don’t play dumb. Or I should reveal a very, very dirty one myself…”
Alec blushes. She certainly means when she found him watching gay porn; they were barely teens and Alec had already realized he was into boys, but he hadn’t come out yet, finding it hard to choose the right time and the right words. Also, he had never experimented anything more than a light kiss, so he had decided to fulfil his devouring curiosity with a movie. Truth is that he was so excited and afraid at the same time that he had forgotten to lock his bedroom door, so, as usual, she had stumbled in without knocking, catching him gaping, eyes fixed on the screen and a hand inside his pants.
It had been so humiliating…begging his little sister to not reveal his secret. He would have promised her his firstborn, if she had been interested. He didn’t need to, anyway, she swore secrecy for life and actually she never ratted him out.
But what about now?
Alec surrenders. He’d better choose himself, to sell them a much less embarrassing secret.
“Okay, okay, you won, so I pay. Just, be prepared, huh? It’s going to shake you from the bottom! No one knows, well, Magnus got a hint at the beginning of our relationship, but not even he does know any details, given that he remembers what we talked about then. It happened during high school…”
**
“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, don’t tell me you haven’t asked a girl for the prom ball yet! What are you waiting for?”
Izzy might have been younger than him but was totally in mother-hen attitude right now. Hands on her hips, a scowl on her face, she looked so much like Maryse that Alec was terrified. Not that his mom was a monster, she was nice, but so stubborn and absolutely unable to change idea when she was sure she was doing right. That meant “always”. Honestly, the three of them had all inherited that trait – Jace too, even if he wasn’t her son by blood, so probably it wasn’t a genetic trait, just her being a role model – but they were still rookies, compared with that hard nut to crack/mom. Maryse was pregnant with another baby right now and Alec often wondered if their new sibling was going to be the same. Or even more stubborn, like the stubbornness could increase with the siblings number – ohmygod…
Anyway.
Izzy was looking at him with a mix of annoyance and…ugh, pity.
“I can’t wrap my mind around this. You’re handsome, kind, one of the best students – your grades talk – how can you be so distracted. You’re always daydreaming and meanwhile your fellows have already asked their partners. Do you mean ending all alone, being a wallflower?”
Alec scoffed. “I don’t care, I could even avoid the whole thing. You know how much I hate this runaway: pretending to have fun, to enjoy the company of people I don’t like, all uncomfortably dressed up. No thanks.”
Izzy gaped and moved next to him, her scowl even more pronounced. She might have been short, but she was a menace and Alec swallowed.
“You mean what?” She pointed her forefinger towards the door. “Go and ask someone. Right now. Then come back with a name and I’ll give you instructions about your outfit. Tomorrow, shopping.”
Alec groaned but, resigned, hastened to obey.
**
Alec didn’t lie, actually. He did hate parties and the crowd made him anxious and uncomfortable, just like the suit he was supposed to wear for the prom ball. His worn out sweaters and his dingy jeans were soft and warm, and gently hugged his body, so differently from the stiff fabric of the suit and the choking sensation of the tie strangling him. And his dress shoes hurt his feet, used to sneakers.
All this was true. Well, almost.
Let’s say it was an incomplete truth.
The main reason of Alec’s hesitation relied on a different kind of unease. Lately, Alec had surprised himself ogling his basketball team fellows, when they changed clothes in the locker room before training or were showering after. Especially those whose bodies were already definitely masculine, grownup, muscular young men that inspired some very guilty thoughts in Alec’s mind (and…lower parts of his own body). Alec knew what he was feeling, he wasn’t too naïve, after all, but he was so scared that he couldn’t give it a name. And he was feeling guilty, even if no one in his family was other than open minded about this topic – his parents had already debated it with their children as an aspect of their sex education. Yet, wasn’t it unnatural somehow? All his school fellows endlessly talked about how sexy and delicious and beautiful girls were and bragged of their charm to win over them.
Alec had tried to join this kind of conversation, but he looked so out of his comfort zone that someone had mocked him with a “do you happen to be gay, dude?” and then had laughed. Alec hadn’t answered, had conjured a fake smile and all his attempts of looking interested in girls had stopped there. To avoid complications, he was always the first one to get changed and the last one to take a shower, just to be alone in the locker room.
Ugh, it’s supposed to be a phase, right? Maybe all the boys went through that. He didn’t know anyone else who liked guys – or maybe everyone was hiding just like him – whatever. It was a phase, and what better to prove it than taking a girl to the prom ball and perhaps…keep her into his arms…dance with her (mom had even forced him to take dance lessons!). Kiss her.
Alec didn’t feel anything exciting in thinking of kissing a girl, but still…he had to try. Maybe his stupid fantasies were going to disappear.
**
Jessica Hawkblue was a nice girl. Kind, a little shy, and also very pretty, Alec could say that. Blonde, large blue eyes, tiny, she was almost disappearing next to Alec towering over her – he had had a growth spurt in the last few months and now he was taller than almost any boy in school – when he timidly approached her while she was chatting with her friends in the corridor, waiting for the next lesson. When the other girls spotted him walking toward the group, clearly aiming at her, they all giggled. Her best friend Gina bent to her ear, whispering.
“Jess, he’s coming for you!” She sighed. “Lucky girl! He’s gorgeous and he’s not taken – I can’t get why.”
“Oh my god,” Jessica exclaimed, trembling “I already lost hope he would! Wish me luck!”
Gina gave her the high five and still giggling, all the girls suddenly disappeared, leaving Jessica alone. She smiled at Alec, encouragingly.
“Hi…”
Alec cleared his throat, awkwardly swaying on the ball of his feet.
“Um…hi!” Wow, such an introduction, well done, Alec!
He took a deep breath, sweaty, wringing hands behind his back.
“I...um…” He swallowed hard.
“You…?” she hinted.
“I…I wanted to ask you to join me for the prom ball,” he blurted, “of course, it’s okay if you’re already pledged to someone else, and I know I’m not the most desirable date, and…”
“Alec!” she exclaimed, putting a small hand on his arm.
“Uh?”
“I’ll join you very gladly.”
“What? Really?” Alec, your awkwardness is growing with every minute!
“Really. Thanks for asking.”
A wide smile appeared on Alec’s lips. “Thank you for agreeing…” he said, and took her hand, leaving a tiny kiss on it, while Jessica’s eyes widened in shock.
**
Alec had been on edge the whole day, waiting for the prom night like a dead man walking for his last tour before execution. He was terrified, because he had to do his best, to convince himself that his attraction towards boys was fake. A phase, right?
Stiff in his blue suit, the tie strangling his neck, his ruffled hair barely tamed by Isabelle’s skilled hand, he knocked at the Hawkblues’ door, a small bouquet of forget-me-not in hand – matching his suit and Jessica’s dress – trying not to sweat too much. Jessica opened the door, and Alec had to admit she was beautiful, prettier than usual in her light blue, tulle and silk dress, slim at the waist and with a larger, sequined gown, her hair tied in a soft ponytail by a blue silk ribbon. She smiled at him and accepted the bouquet Alec offered her after some hesitation.
“Hi…” he said.
“Good evening, Alexander. Please, come in to meet my parents, and…thanks for the flowers.”
Alec swallowed and walked inside, wondering if he was going to be able to blurt a few polite words, possibly without looking like an idiot.
“Good evening, Mrs. Hawkblue… Mr. Hawkblue…” he nodded to both.
“Good evening, Alexander, glad to meet you,” Mr. Hawkblue said, offering his hand for shaking, while Mrs. Hawkblue gently smiled at him.
“Have fun, sweetie,” mom said, kissing Jessica on her cheek, “Alexander, we trust you!”
“Sure, Mrs. Hawkblue, thank you! Mr. Hawkblue…”
He offered his arm to Jessica and they headed for his car and the prom hall.
**
After a rather awkward beginning, when they both were trying to find something to say, the night went on nicely, after all. They talked, they found some passions in common to debate about, they danced, with unbelievable amazement from Alec who hadn’t even tripped on his own feet, like he feared. Too shy, both of them, to run for the title of Prom Queen and King, they simply enjoyed the party. Alec found out that her company was pleasant, it would have been nice to have her as a friend, but he couldn’t find in himself, instead, the tiniest desire of being for her anything more than that.
So, when he pulled over at the sidewalk to bring her home, he turned to say her goodnight and jumped back on the seat, seeing Jessica leaning towards him, eyes closed and lips pouting, clearly waiting for a kiss.
Shit. What was he supposed to do now? He didn’t want to disappoint her, but he didn’t want to kiss her either. His heart pounding under his ribcage, he swallowed hard a couple of times, then leaned as well and brushed her lips, just a hint, immediately withdrawing.
He couldn’t, it was wrong!
Jessica was still waiting for something more, clearly, but since Alec wasn’t making any further move, she opened her eyes, grabbed his cheeks between her hands and kissed him thoroughly, scaring the shit out of him.
When she let his face go, Alec had a haunted look in his eyes and was panting hard: not from excitement, but obviously from fear.
“Didn’t you like it?” she asked in a tiny voice, getting his total lack of involvement.
“I…um…,” he whispered, “you’re…pretty, Jess, but I…I can’t…I”
A grimace appeared on her face, she scrunched her nose and a moment after she was crying her eyes out.
Alec tried to make amends, but he couldn’t utter a single distinct word, just blabbering some apology and extending a hand to take hers. But she pushed him away.
“I hate you! Don’t you dare to talk to me anymore, ever!” and climbed down the car, slamming the door and running towards the house door without turning.
Alec took a deep breath and thought about going to apologize once more. But he didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling. Not without admitting that he didn’t like girls, he couldn’t say he didn’t like her specifically. It wasn’t true, after all. He did like her. As a friend. A friend he will never be able to have.
He sighed again and started the engine, wondering what was going to happen the day after, back to school.
**
“You mean…you kissed a girl? Your first kiss, you gave it to a girl?” Jace asks, astonished.
“I did. Well, it wasn’t a real kiss, right? Just a brush on the lips.”
“It was a kiss anyway,” Simon jumps in, “I think Magnus should get jealous and make you pay!”
Meanwhile, Magnus is laughing out loud, unable to speak, tears in his eyes. Alec swats him on the arm. “Stop laughing, you idiot! It was a terrifying situation, I felt so horrible for her, poor Jessica!”
“As you should!” Magnus exclaims, finally succeeding in making some intelligible sounds.
“Now I realize why she never talked to me after the prom. At least, I thought we could have said goodbye before she left for college, we were maybe not friends but totally more than acquaintances, and suddenly she doesn’t speak to me anymore. I get it now!” Izzy says, smiling.
“Such an embarrassing situation!” Clary says. “Did she actually stop talking to you, Alec?”
“Absolutely. A couple of days after I crossed her, and she withdrew like I could pass her some disgusting disease. Luckily, school was over in a few days. Okay, fine. Now you all know one of my dirtiest secrets. Can we get back to the game?”
Magnus smirks.
“Of course, my dear husband. I can’t wait to find out some more juicy facts about you.”
Izzy giggles, ignoring Alec’s glare. “Just wait, Magnus. I’ve got stuff in my bag you could find very interesting…”