Archive of Our Own ^beta

i. The guitar.

Alex is sure that any time now his neighbors are going to be knocking his door down. He is vaguely aware of the terrible sounds he is producing, but he has his mind set on learning how to play that goddamned song and he is going to fucking succeed.

He hears the door. Henry walks in, looks at him and says, “I didn’t know you played the guitar.”

Alex can feel himself blushing.

That’s the thing.

He doesn’t.

Or at least not anymore.

He used to know one chord here and there, it was a very useful party trick —yes, he learned Wonderwall back in the day —. Now, however… his skills have notably decreased. He is very mad at whatever god of music decided that if you stopped playing an instrument for years, you’d lose the ability. He kind of wishes it was like riding a bike.

“Not really,” he confesses. “It’s one of those hobbies I picked up one summer and got really obsessed with and then never play again for like three years.”

Henry looks at him amused.

“And what made you pick it up again?”

That’s what Henry will never get to know. Not now. Not fucking ever.

“Oh… ya know. I was cleaning my room and I saw it; I had forgotten I had brought it from home.”

Liar. Liar. Liar. Alex is a lying liar who lies.

He knew damn well what he was doing by starting to play when Henry was set to came over.

But that is only between him and God.

“Jessie plays the guitar, too. And he is quite good at that. Maybe he can give you some tips.”

Alex gets the sudden urge to throw the guitar from the window.

“Oh, he does?” He asks (liar, liar, liar)

Alex knows that Jessie plays the guitar. Alright? Because Jessie is all Henry talks about. Jessie this; Jessie that.

Alex is not jealous (liar…).

Fuck.

He thinks that he deserves a fucking break.

ii. Law School.

Alex is not in the middle of a crisis. He is doing perfectly fine, thank you very much.

It’s just that… being an adult is hard. And he is not sure he is ready for that. He has been staring at his laptop’s screen for over thirty minutes. He is trying to read one of those articles about what to do once you finish college. Because that’s his life. That’s what he is doing on a Friday night in what is supposed to be the prime of his life.

Really if he is peaking know, he wants a refund.

Anyway, he always had known that after graduating in Political Science, he would go into politics. Both of his parents were politicians and so it seemed a good path. He loved arguing and helping people. So, he thought politics could be his way.

But… lately, he has been feeling like politics are failing society. He watches the news and checks twitter and reads newspapers —online, but whatever — and… he is left with a huge void inside himself. He thinks that politics are full of people with good intentions and no power, overweighted by people with bad intentions and power. And even if good people have the power there are things that are not on their hands.

He is not built to see the resources at hands reach and not being able to help.

Alex doesn’t think he is made for that.

So… he is not in a crisis but is a near thing.

He closes the computer, throws a hoodie over his head and heads to the door.

“I’m going to Henry’s!” He shouts, hoping Liam hears him.

“Of course you are!” Liam shouts back from his room.

“Have fun!” A third voice says. Spencer —Liam’s boyfriend— has been spending more time in their apartment than in his own dorm. But Alex doesn’t really mind, he is as much time over at Henry’s place as Spencer is at theirs —not that he is comparing his and Henry’s relationship to Liam and Spencer’s (sadly).

Henry doesn’t live far away, so Alex walks there. He tries not to think about the future, but like every time you try not to think about something it becomes the only thing on your mind.

Technically he still has time to decide. He is in his junior year. But he is not used to this. Not having a plan. He guesses he could call his mother or his father or even Leo and all of them would give him incredible advises. It’s just that… he doesn’t want to admit that he is lost.

He opens the door to the flat —he has a key; Henry also has a key to his place — and hears voices.

Oh, shit.

“Hello?”

“Oh, hey, Alex,” Henry says from the couch.

His hair is messed, and his cheeks are red. His blue eyes are shining. He looks breath-taking.

Well, this is what he gets for showing up unannounced. A first-row seat to see how Henry looks after a make out session with his boyfriend, who is looking at Alex like he is trying to disintegrate him. Alex would be grateful, actually.

He is still in the middle of the room, looking at them.

“Er… this is Jessie. I’ve told you about him.”

Alex has heard so many things about the guy in front of him that he almost had forgotten that they hadn’t met. Now he has a face to put to the name he has grown to despise this much.

“Hey, man. Nice to meet you.” He goes to shake his hand (liar, liar, liar).

Jessie looks at him, then at his extended hand, and then back at him. Just when Alex is about to retire it and ask him what the fuck is his problem, he takes it.

“Yeah, you too.”

He thinks about making up an excuse and leave. He can go over to see his sister and Nora —there is a high risk that he will be faced by a scene similar to this one (Good lord, is he the only one with no life besides college?).

Ultimately, he gets to the conclusion that if Jessie is going to be around for a while he needs to know that Alex was here before and will be here long after he isn’t. So, he sits on the love seat Henry usually uses for reading.

“What were you guys doing?” he asks as if it was not clear enough.

Jessie sighs. Alex doesn’t like his attitude.

“Jessie has been accepted in Law School, so we were thinking where to go to celebrate,” his best friend clarifies.

“No way, dude. That’s amazing, congrats.”

That makes Jessie smile a bit. Alex realizes that he has dimples.

“Thanks,” he answers shyly.

It doesn’t mean anything, but… then again… something inside Alex’s head liked it. Law School had scratched just the right part of his brain. And now he can’t let it go.

“What made you want to get into law school?” he says. Not really thinking about it.

But he is. A lot.

iii. Greek Mythology.

They are all having dinner together at Alex and Liam’s apartment. They rotate places and try to see each other at least once a week —even if it’s not always possible.

The room is full of laughter and jokes, Alex loves it. He loves the little family they have founded here, far from home —but home, nonetheless.

His eyes find Henry who is tucked under his boyfriends embrace and laughing at something Spencer was explaining. He looked so carefree, so handsome… Alex could cry.

He is lost in his mind, deep in thought, eyes on Henry. He is not aware of the conversation.

“What book are you reading now, Hen?” June asks.

“The Song of Achilles,” he says cheerfully. “Can you believe I haven’t read it before. Jess lent it to me.” He finishes the sentence with a smile.

The conversation flows from there, Alex still thinking about Henry’s soft hair.

“Oh, yes,” Jessie says laughing lightly. “I was super into Greek mythology back in high school. I read all the Percy Jackson books quite a few times. But like… Henry could totally be a modern time Achilles.”

That sparks another conversation about books they used to read. But Alex is stuck with that information.

One week later, on his way home from class, Alex abruptly stops in front of a secondhand book shop. Displayed there is a book set of the five original Percy Jackson and the Olympians books. Alex thinks about the promise he made himself about a month ago —he had to stop impulsive buying everything he likes. However… however Henry’s soft voice saying that he loved Percy Jackson, that he loved the ADHD and queer representation, and that those books helped him through some of his hardest times of his teen years…

Alex resigns himself and goes inside the shop. If he sees The song of Achilles, he might as well…

Alex has devoured his new books. He started the saga two days ago and he is already halfway through the Battle of the Labyrinth. he doesn’t know if he is more scared about what could happen or mad at Percy for being so fucking oblivious.

God, these books are better than he expected. He cannot wait to finish them, and binge watch the first season of the tv series, maybe he asks Henry to watch it with him —maybe no, he will ask Henry.

Alex is really invested. Annabeth and Percy have to separate, and she is looking at him, Percy says something about her looking like she wants to punch him and then…

“Are you reading Percy Jackson’s books?”

“Fucking shit, Henry!”

Alex clenches his shirt, feeling like his heart might give out. He hasn’t heard Henry came in, at all.

Henry looks down at the book in his hand, then back at Alex whose face is flushing a deep shade of red.

“I didn't know you were into Percy Jackson,” Henry comments, a smile pulling at his lips.

“Yes, well. Y’all were waxing poetry about them the other day and I thought I could give them a try,” he says once he could breathe normally again.

What he doesn’t say is that he hopes to create another thing in common with Henry. He wants to know as much about him as he can. Relishing in every bit of new shared information.

Henry’s eyes light up, truly delighted. He takes a seat next to Alex, “You're going to love them, they're amazing. Where were you before I interrupted you?”

“I think they were about to kiss.”

“Oh. You are in for a roller-coaster,” Henry smiles whimsically. Then he reaches his bag and takes his own book out. He sits on the couch, putting Alex’s legs over his lap. Alex is too stunned to add anything. Too afraid to move so their positions would change.

Henry is deep in his book, unaware of Alex’s mind malfunctioning.

Alex manages to compose himself and opens his book again. He tries to focus on the words, but his mind keeps drifting to the warm touch of Henry's legs under his own. He takes a deep breath, reminding himself that this is just a friendly gesture, a casual touch between friends.

They are fine.

He is not fine.

Tonight, it was Nora and June’s turn to host their dinner. And Alex, being the best brother and guest as he is he was loading the dishwasher and finishing cleaning the kitchen.

He starts the machine and sets to return to the room where they all are —all except for Henry and Jessie, who had already head back, Henry having an early lecture tomorrow morning.

He is about to make his presence known when he catches his name. He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop but… his name…

“Has Alex told y’all that he is thinking about Law School?” Liam says aimlessly, while he finishes cleaning up the table with a napkin.

“Yes, he said it last week. Nora had been placing bets on it for a while now, actually.” His sisters comment.

Nora and his damn mastermind capacities. Those who had only failed once in his life.

They don’t say anything more for some seconds. Alex thinks is safe for him to go. Even if the air feels charged for whatever reason.

Until.

“Are we going to address it?” Nora says.

Alex stops his movements.

“What do you mean, dearest,” Pez says. He hasn’t been really participant in the previous conversation. Or all night, for that matter. He seemed to be deep in thought. That was not normal, given the fact that he usually was a fucking delight.

“That Henry us basically is dating Alex’s doppelganger?”

Everyone hums in consent.

Henry is dating his what now?

He wants to protest —before he realizes that he isn’t supposed to hear this. But then… then he thinks about Jessie. He thinks about him seriously for the first time since he met him. He thinks about his tanned skin, a bit lighter than Alex’s but caramel-toned either way. Also, his unruly chocolate curls, the ones he made a comment about cutting off because they were getting too long (Alex does not think about Henry’s whimper when his boyfriend said it).

He thinks about Jessie's dimples. He thinks about how much it bothered him that Jessie was slightly taller than him. He thinks about his eyes, a warm hazel, not as bright as Alex's but captivating. And he realizes, with a sinking feeling, that they're right. Henry is dating his doppelganger.

“But like… is not only that. Alex himself is turning into Jessie,” Spencer says. Liam smiles at his boyfriend.

Alex thinks that Spencer should actually shut the hell up, thank you.

“You are so right. He was playing the guitar few weeks back, then Law school and now… mythology?”

Alex might had made a comment about how Jessie was right the other night —about how Henry looked like Achilles or a Greek perfect marble statue.

He hadn’t noticed in that moment, however, the weird looks his friends sent his way. He was way more focused on the subtle pinkish color that was painting his best friend’s cheeks.

Oh, fuck.

“I think… I might have something to do with all of this,” Pez speaks.

They turn to face him.

“I orchestrated their first date. I knew Henry was going to fancy Jessie. He is Henry’s type, after all.”

Before Alex can think too much about the fact Jessie —who, as has been pointed, is physically similar to Alex — is exactly Henry’s type, he walks in the room. He also tries not to feel betrayed by Pez. It’s not his fault that he took too long to act on his feelings. Even if Pez had known that Alex liked Henry, Henry didn’t owe Alex anything. He certainly didn’t owe Alex his singleness. He didn’t have to wait for him until Alex decided to make a move. Until Alex gathered his wits and spill out his deepest feelings.

The subject is changed, and Alex can’t let it go from his mind for the next couple of weeks.

iv. Lacrosse.

Alex’s breaking point comes in the form of a silly conversation over coffee.

Henry and he are in a cute coffee shop Henry loves. He discovered it within the first weeks of being in the city and claimed it as his favorite spot. Since then, they have gotten acquainted with practically all the staff.

They were laughing and having a good time. Alex was holding up the urge to caress Henry’s hand with his own. He was actively repeating himself that Henry had a boyfriend (even one that apparently was his look-alike) and that it was not well-received to touch someone without his explicit consent (even if Henry and him always have been on the tactile side).

And then Henry had said: “I have to go; I’m meeting Jessie after his lacrosse practice.”

To which Alex couldn’t help but blurt: “of course he fucking plays lacrosse.”

And that is what takes them to Alex’s breaking point.

“What is your problem, Alex?” Henry asks, frowning.

“Nothing,” he mumbles back. Not ready to tell him what the matter was. He didn’t want to sound like a petulant child. Even if he was feeling like one at that very instant.

“It seemed like something,” Henry presses. He is frozen in his place, standing up next to his chair. Alex feels really small.

“It’s just that he also plays lacrosse.”

“What’s the matter with that sport. You like lacrosse, you used to play lacrosse.”

“I know. That’s the problem.”

“I’m afraid, I’m not following you, love,” Henry looks more confused than annoyed now.

“Lacrosse is my thing. He can’t have that, too,” he ends up saying. Which, honestly, it’s not the best argument ever. He can admit that.

“What do you mean ‘your thing’?”

“Look, drop it.” His head is starting to hurt, and he just wants to get in bed.

With out even looking at Henry, he walks out the place.

He is very worried drowning in his sorrows to check his phone for the rest of the day. But close to three in the morning, he gives up to his insomnia and looks for his phone, lost between his sheets. He is a bit surprised to see that he has several calls and texts from Henry. They are both very stubborn, so when they argue or something, usually takes a couple of days for them to make up. And most of the time it ends because they are too dependent from one another.

Hen <3: Alex, I’m sorry if I had said something to upset you earlier.

That was the last message. Not send too long ago.

Alex: not your fault, i was having a rough day and i paid it with you. sorry, hen.

Liar.

Alexander Lying-Liar Gabriel Clermont-Diaz is his whole government name, actually.

He was having a pretty good damn day, before everything went to shit.

Hen <3: Apologies accepted. Mine are?

Alex: duh, sweetheart.

Hen<3: But I do have a question.

Alex’s heart stopped. Henry was going to inquire him about his recent hobbies. He had concluded that Alex has a crush on him and was trying to impersonate his boyfriend, then kill him and steal his identity to finally date Henry.

Maybe, Alex’s anxieties had gone wild.

Henry <3: Do you like Jessie?

Or maybe not.

Alex: what do you mean?

Henry <3: I mean, that I like him, and you are one of the most important people in my life, so it would be nice to know whether you approve of him or not.

For a hysterical second, Alex wants to say no. Wants to know if Henry would break up with Jessie just because Alex asked for it. Henry just likes Jessie, meanwhile Alex is one of the most important people of his life.

Then, he thinks that liking is just the first step towards falling in love. And he has to stop and take deep breathes at the thought of Henry loving somebody else.

He is fine. Really. He has it under control. Or, at least, he will.

Alex: of course, hen. he is good, if you like him and he treats you good, i don’t see why i wouldn’t like him.

He doesn’t like him because he likes Henry a little too much.

Alex: you are good. we are good, sweetheart.

Hen <3: I’m glad, love. Thanks.

Alex lets a tear silently and dramatically roll down his cheek. He sighs.

He is getting over it.

v. karaoke.

Alex is not always the most rational person in the room. Not really. Even less if in said room is Henry. He is smart, actually. It’s just that lately he has found a pattern where he just doesn’t seem to make his brain function in a normal useful way whenever his best friend is nearby. Which normally it’s harmless —Henry seems oblivious to his momentarily insanity and if their friends are with them, he earns a playful punch or eye roll. So, no harm or whatsoever.

But well, something was bound to happen if Alex kept acting irrationally. And the consequences of his actions materialized as a karaoke night.

They were out having a drink, nothing wild. Just talking shit, the usual. Then fucking Jessie said that he loved karaoke and that his friends and him go all the time and that Henry should go with them.

And.

That couldn’t do it.

Because… Alex is not only insane, but also jealous. So, Jessie can date Henry and can have him in the path of falling in love with him or whatever. But he can’t have karaoke too.

Last time Henry was out in a karaoke was with Alex. And he intended keeping it like that.

It was for their birthdays —having them so close together, they celebrate them as one. Last year, they all went to a karaoke bar, he remembers Henry singing an awful off-key rendition to Queen’s Don’t stop me now. And realizing that he was ruined for anybody else.

So, yes. Karaokes were not going to go into the “things that Jessie has also taken from him,” heap.

That to say that when Jessie suggested that Henry should go with him to a karaoke, Alex jumped in and said: “oh, man. It’s been son long since last time we went to the karaoke bar, we should try and go one of his days.”

…Liar.

Anyhow, now here they were. In a poorly lit karaoke bar, and Jessie had just sent Henry an apology message saying that he couldn’t make it.

Henry is sitting in their table, looking sad and mournful. Alex goes to the bar and order a round of shots. He approaches Henry and sets the little glasses over the table, some of the neon pink liquid spills over. Henry looks at it, then at Alex, then back to the shots.

“What on Earth is this?”

“Tequi-fresi,” Alex says with a shit-eating grin.

“I beg your finest pardon?” Henry replies, his British accent more noticeable now that he has a couple of drinks in him. Alex is endeared, truly.

“Do you remember that trip to Spain I took last summer with some classmates?” He says instead.

“Yes?”

“Well, this is something they drink at parties. Theoretically its strawberry tequila. Try it, you’ll like it.”

He nudges the glass towards Henry. He eyes it, takes it to his nose and finally deems it acceptable. Alex watches his throat as he sips. He takes his as well. He is going to need more, to pass the night.

“I don't know whether be offended on behalf of my Mexican ancestors or fucking glad this shot was invented.”

“It's too bloody sweet, God.”

Alex laughs. But Henry goes back to his sad eyes.

“Hey, what happened? it's about Jessie?” Alex is ready to march after that asshole if he made something to upset Henry.

“No… not really. I mean, yes?”

“Hen, I need you to speak English to me.”

“Right. well, it's just that I feel weird. I feel him weird. distant? perhaps. I don't know.”

Oh, paradise problems… Alex has to act like a best friend even if he wants to go over the karaoke machine and chant, we are the champions.

“Hen, you've been together for like four months, it's normal that things cool down after the honeymoon phase… I'm sure everything is going to be fine,” he says earnestly, he squeezes Henry's knee, and he sounds so genuine he almost believes himself.

“Yes. That. Sure.” Henry doesn’t look that sure but…

“But now… more drinks and then sing.” He points the scenario where Pez, Nora, and June are singing.

“Oh no,” Henry laughs for the first time that night.

Alex knows he will convince him at the end.

He did —convince Henry, that is. After a lot of negotiating. But he has a new lawyer vocation after all, winning cases are his thing.

Also… there have been way more tequi-fresis involved and they are about to pass the drunk-off-their-face line.

Henry has just finished singing Elton John's Don't go breaking my heart. He looks happy now. Happier than before, at least. All thoughts of Jessie gone from his mind. Good. That's as it is meant to be.

Henry approaches him and says, “I believe it’s your turn now.” Before Alex can get up from his chair, Henry’s phone pings. He frowns.

“What?” he asks, suddenly the karaoke forgotten.

“Nothing, just… Jessie texted me. All’s good. Do not try to distract me form the fact that you have to perform now.” He smiles but his usual spark isn’t there.

Alex feels his blood boil.

He goes through the list of songs that they have. He was thinking on setting for a Bad Bunny one, could make all of them have a laugh and maybe even June would join him on stage. He was searching for the title of his preferred song when he bumped into it. His thoughts stopping and morphing into a more chaotic, unhinged thing.

On one shoulder the nice voice, saying that he shouldn’t do it. That he is going to ruin every single thing. On the other, a more fun, more eloquent voice saying, “do it do it do it”.

They were drunk, he wasn’t going to notice it.

Even if Henry's eyes were on him all the time, and it was a very clear, very straight forward message.

He was drunk, in a one side love story with his best friend and tired as fuck of feeling sorry for himself. So, he selects the song. The consequences of his intoxicated actions would be a problem for future Alex.

Alex stans on the stage, the music sounding. He watches as the realization hits his sister, then Nora who starts to laugh maniacally.

He starts singing.

Jessie is a friend

Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

Pez’s eyes are comically wide.

Henry is looking at him as if he is watching an accident happen in slow motion. As if he can’t stop staring but knows that he is seeing something he shouldn’t.

His eyes are focused on Alex’s every move, he can almost see the wheels on his brain turning. Trying to find the logical reason behind Alex choosing that song. Because it clearly couldn’t be for him. Alex also wants to laugh. But he has a song to sing.

'Cause she's watching him with those eyes

And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it

He is dancing and enjoying himself. He is trying to show henry what he is missing —maybe he is too drunk. But, again, future Alex problems. Present Alex is having the time of his life.

And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

The girls are cheering, Liam is recording him (most likely for Spencer, who had to stay in studying), and Pez has his hand on Henry’s back, and it looks like he is rubbing it comforting his best friend.

Huh.

I wish that I had Jessie's girl

Where can I find a woman?

Where can I find a woman like that?

For a second, he had pondered to change it entirely, to throw al resemblance of subtlety out of the way and sing “boy”, “man” and “him”, he decided against it, because… he still has some dignity in him. Or something something. He can’t really remember.

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time

Wonderin' what she don't see in me

I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines

Ain't that the way love's supposed to be

Confession time, that’s true. The day that Henry had told him about Jessie —after getting incredibly drunk—he stood in front of his mirror, thinking why. Why Henry didn’t love him the way he loved Henry. Maybe it was meant to be like that. Alex tended to be too much for people to stand. Even as a friend. Even more as a partner. There was a reason none of his relationships has lasted long.

I want Jessie's girl

He finishes the song, looking straight at Henry.

He is not sure if he wants to be understood or not. If he wants Henry to know or not. What’s best? To spend the rest of his days pinning in secret or to be nicely rejected by the love of your life.

God, it’s too late. He has already done it. Hasn’t he?

The room is spinning. Faster and faster. Okay… Alex needs to leave.

“That, I didn’t see it coming, Alejandro,” Nora says, getting closer to him, dragging him out of the stage. Out of the crime scene.

Alex snaps out of it. Looks for Henry. He isn’t at their table anymore. Pez isn’t there either.

“Pez and Henry have left,” June says nearing the both of them.

Right.

Shit.

“I think I need to lie down,” Alex gets out.

Nora nods, June throws one arm over his shoulders. No more words are needed.

They meet Liam at the exit.

“That was wild, dude.”

Alex has half mind to cock his head thankful.

There is noise somewhere in the apartment.

Alex wakes up feeling like —to put it bluntly — fucking shit. He doesn’t recall a lot from last night. But the headache and the dizziness tell him enough. he tries to get up, so he can grab some painkillers. But the moment he incorporates, he feels the need to throw up. Alright, then.

Then the memories start to rush in. He shuts his eyes, maybe if he goes back to sleep (he never wakes up).

Then the noise starts again.

He groans.

Checks the time.

Eight in the fucking morning.

He is not going to make it to law school, but he is going to meet some prisoners as he is about to commit murder.

Again. The noise.

Now he has identified that it sounds like someone is in his kitchen. It can’t be Liam. His friend wouldn’t be up so early, and he wouldn’t be making noise. He is considerate, not like whomever the fuck is in his fucking kitchen.

He walks pass Liam’s room, the door it’s closed. No signs of his roommate even being concern about a potential stranger breaking in. Truth to be told, Liam could sleep through a hurricane —and being from Texas… it could even happen.

He enters the room, ready to fight and he is faced with…

“Henry?”

Or rather Henry’s ass (sweet, sweet ass. Maybe Alex is still drunk)

Henry turns and looks at Alex.

“Oh, you are awake.”

“Well, hard not to be,” he grumbles. He is hungover and heartbroken and the reason of all of it (even the hungover, shut up) is standing there. Looking delicious, and cute, and has an apron on for some reason.

“Sorry. I’m trying to make you breakfast.”

Has Alex woken up in an alternative universe? A reality where he and Henry are together and do cute things for each other, such as breakfast. Because he fell asleep in a world where Henry has a boyfriend and Alex is miserably in love.

“What?”

“I thought you might need it, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be edible.”

Alex wants to laugh. What is going on?

Alex has to resist de urge of pinching himself in case that he is still asleep. But he is presented of something resembling scrambled eggs, and Henry is looking at him, and he thinks that if it’s a dream he doesn’t really care.

He starts eating, not that the food tastes like anything, but he is not going to be the one who breaks the peaceful atmosphere here.

He can notice Henry fidgeting with his signet ring. He takes a deep intake of air.

“What is going with you, Alex?” he says, all in one breath.

Well, then. Not a dream. At least not a pleasent one.

“Nothing,” he bits back. Aiming for nonchalance but knowing full well that he is failing miserably.

“Right.”

They stay in silence. Henry’s phone buzzes, it’s placed screen-down over the counter. Alex wonders if he is going to check. He doesn’t, his eyes don’t move from Alex’s.

“Did you mean it?”

“Probably yes, but I need you to be more specific”. Again, he wants to sound calm. He is fine (liar).

He is pretty sure to what Henry is referring to. To the song, to the way he is being acting, to why Alex has been turned into a jealous overprotective five-years-old-kid.

Henry sighs, as if he is pained to be dealing with this.

“The song.”

“Ah,” Alex murmurs. He is presented with the opportunity. It’s then to where everything reduces. He has the chance to sweep it off. To say it was a joke. To say that he saw Henry sad and wanted to make him laugh, that he saw the song and deemed good enough. He even could say that he didn’t think about the implications —the song is a classic after all. Alex can say that he is not thinking all the time about Henry’s boyfriend, and he forgot about him. He could say that it was a momentarily lapsus. Maybe he was hit and suffered from temporary amnesia, and he totally didn’t remember Jessie’s name or even his existence. At last, he is faced with the option to say that didn’t mean anything to him.

Does he want that?

He can’t lie to Henry. He can’t physically do it. It’s like… cutting something essential off. It feels wrong at so many levels. But then again, the truth could break them.

Not short-term, obviously. But in the long haul. Now, Henry will look at him with those deep blue eyes, and would say something among the lines of “I’m flattered but I don’t feel the same, sorry, love” —he’d totally call Alex love, even if he doesn’t love him like that, because he is British, that’s something they do all the time, and Alex would die —, then, he’d try to act normal. But their time together would be cut short. Slowly, but surely Henry would start to catch up all of those little things that Alex does because of his deep fucking feelings.

So yes. Now they are good. But give them a couple of months and you’ll see. Alex knows how these things go.

So… He does a very mature and responsible thing.

He groans and lies his forehead on the cold surface of the table. It actually feels better for his impending headache.

“It doesn’t matter,” he ends up replying.

“It does.” Henry sounds stern.

Alex can’t look him in the eye. So, this position might be the only way. He closes his eyes. In the dark, under his eyelids everything seems easier. He inhales.

“No, it doesn’t, because you have a fucking perfect boyfriend, who does everything amazingly and is super intelligent and plays lacrosse and reads books that you like and seems to be your perfect match in every fucking aspect, alright. So, no, Henry, whether I meant that song or not is actually not really important.”

Right.

He didn’t mean to say that. But lately his life has been filled of things he didn’t mean to do —or say.

He slowly elevates his head. Henry is looking at him, thinking. He can almost see the engines of his brain turning and churning and trying to make sense of what is going on.

“I thought you liked him,” Henry says.

“It’s what I just said, right? That he is perfect for you.”

“What is going on, Alex?” Henry looks exasperated.

“Nothing!” He winces, the loud sound of his own voice hurting his hangover brain.

“It clearly is something.”

Henry is trying to stay calmed. Alex can’t relate.

“It’s just that he is like… I don’t know.”

He knows. He knows. Jessie isn’t him; Henry’s perfect match is him. He feels it, deep in his bones. That there is no one other than Henry and wants him to know that.

“You don’t know, but you are making a whole deal out of it? I truly don’t follow.”

He sighs. He shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

“Why did you sing the song, Alex?”

Back to the beginning.

“He has everything. He is taking everything.” He fears Liam is going to wake up, but Alex cannot keep this inside anymore.

“What is he taking?” Confused Henry could be funny if not for the fact that Alex is seriously considering stabbing himself with the fork.

“Everything. You!”

Henry takes a step back, as if he has been punched.

Alex wants to hold his head in his hands and rest it over his knees, he wants to curl into himself until this all goes away.

“So, yes, Henry, he is fine. But he is taking you from me. Yes, he is a nice dude. But I like you. He is cool, he is so cool, most of the time I wish it was me.”

“You… like me?”

“And he catches up.”

Alex is breathing unevenly. His head is pounding. He is ready to have his heart broken.

Go for it, Fox. The final blow.

“Why haven’t you said anything?”

Why is he dragging this?

He’s came so far; he doesn’t see the point of stopping now. “I was. Four months ago, actually.”

He can see Henry doing the math in his head.

The night of his first date with Jessie. The day Alex had planned to confess.

“God.” Henry turns his back to Alex and picks up his phone. He writes something.

Alex wants to know what the fuck is going on, because he had just exposed his feelings and Henry’s first reaction was checking his goddamned phone.

He was expecting rejection, but this was a bit too far.

“Right,” Henry says. “Hold that thought.”

And without more words, he walks out the door.

Alex stays there, staring at the empty space. Thinking if he had just been rejected or been real life ghosted.

He is not sure how long after, Liam walks in.

“What’s up, Alex?”

“Not really sure, to be honest.” He is still processing, looking at nothing.

+i. the time he takes something (someone) from Jessie.

Four months ago…

“You’ve got to tell him.”

Alex throws a pillow over his head. He screams in frustration. June pats his shoulder, like she wants to show some support. But Alex wants to tell her off because she is being part of this whole charade. He is in his and Liam’s shared flat and surrounded by—almost— all his closest friends. Usually, he would be fucking elated.

Not tonight though.

Tonight, he finds himself trapped within the confines of his own home, and his captors are those who claimed to love him the most. He considers drowning in his glass of whiskey.

They were all supposed to go out tonight, after weeks of going through literal hoops they finally found a night where all of six of them could go out and have some fun. College was attempting to snap Alex in half and his ever-growing crush on his best friend was some added stress he didn’t need in his junior year.

“Yes. Liam is right, Alejandro. You should get over this quibbling and own your shit.”

He groans.

“Why would I do that?” His voice is muffled by the pillow, he puts it back on the couch.

“Because I'm sick of your puppy sad eyes, dude,” Liam says.

“Gee, Li, thanks for that.” Alex looks at his roommate.

“I said what I said.” He shrugs.

Alex knows all this. But he has been dealing with these feelings for a while now. He has made peace with knowing his feelings are not reciprocated. He basically mastered the art of being in love with someone perfect and incredible and knowing full well that that person would never love him back.

As that Ariana Grande’s song goes, a little love is better than none and being just his friend is better than ruining what they have just because Alex couldn’t keep his heart in check.

So.

He is doing great.

He doesn't really get why is that his friends are so hell-bent on him professing his feelings.

“C’mon, Alex. You can’t fool us. We know that keeping this to yourself is making you miserable,” June intervenes.

“He isn’t even keeping it to himself, everyone knows it but the person who really needs to know it.”

“For fuck’s sake, Liam. What did I do to you today?”

“Alex, you know I’m right.”

Alex looks at him accusingly. “Having a new cute boyfriend doesn’t make you a love-advice-expert, you asshole.”

Liam smiles at the thought of Spencer. Ugh. Alex is back at the drowning plan.

“Look, guys, … I’ll think about it, alright?”

Nora gives him a doubtful look. She doesn’t believe him for a second —she is probably right. Most likely he will stack this conversation in the “I don’t want to face this problem” pile of thoughts in his brain and wait until it becomes impossible for him to avoid. He has been coping like that for the last twenty-one years of his life and he has been doing damn well. No matter what June says.

“You can do it today,” Nora finally says.

“Have you lost your mind?” Alex asks. “Weren’t we just talking about how I can’t tell him and now you want me to go and do it tonight?”

“The more you think it, the less you’ll be willing to do it. So, drink a couple of shots and go for it. The odds are in your favor. Trust me.”

Alex ponders it. He pictures himself after two shots of tequila, gaining the courage to do what he has been dreaming about for so fucking long. Fears dammed.

“And what are those odds?”

Nora stares at June, as if they are having a telepathic conversation —they do that now a lot. Alex wonders how. Maybe is some kind of sapphic superpower.

“I would say ninety-eight percent probability he kisses you back if you go for it.”

And… That is a high number.

Alex looks at Nora and— for the first time since he came to terms with whatever was going on with him every time, he looked at his best friend — he lets the hope rise up his chest.

Hope is, however, a dangerous thing. Could pace your heart and kill you when you less expect it. When it has made home inside your chest —all your defenses are down. Then aims to kill. Straight to the heart.

His buzzer goes off. Liam gets up to go and see who it is.

In his living room are June, Nora, Liam, and him. There are two people left. But because part of their group was intervening Alex, the other part couldn’t be present. Conflict of interests or whatever.

Alex checks his phone. Impatiently. his lock screen is a picture of them together. They look so good. happy, at ease, like they belonged in each other arms.

A decision is made.

“I’m going to do it,” he announces. They all cheer and June takes off her bracelet, with a rose quartz on it. She winks at him.

And then…

Pez is the first bomb to fuck his life, it comes when he asks about Henry, eager to see him. Even if the last time was the day before— he has never enough.

“Oh, hasn’t he told you? He had to cancel.”

Alex can feel his heart drop from his chest. As he goes to pick it up, his phone pings from a notification. He checks it. Is a message from Henry. From the person Alex has been harboring unsolicited feelings for the past year or so. A text that is going to change everything.

Hen <3: Hey, sorry. I won’t be able to make it tonight. I have a date! It was super last minute. So sorry, love. I’ll made it up to you and the rest. Sorry (again). X.

And with that, hope is crushed. Heart is broken. And Alex’s chest is empty.

It took less than ten minutes.

“He just texted me,” he says to the group, “he has a date, he says he is very sorry. Like… he said it a dozen times.” He still hasn’t taken his eyes off the screen.

Alex: no problem, hen. have fun! xx

Five fucking words that hurt like they did not have the right to hurt.

“Fucking two percent,” Nora whispers.

Yeah, that.

Alex is lying down on the couch. He is fine (liar).

He is definitely thinking about that night. He is thinking about how he, for a second, could picture their life together and how foolish he felt afterwards.

He said he was going to get over it. And he thought he was on the good path. And just like that he is reminded that is very possible that he is never going to be over this. He feels pathetic because he didn’t even try. It’s not like he went for it and got rejected. He didn’t even have the opportunity. Henry just left. Alex doesn’t want to think about it, but what if it’s the last time he sees him. Now Henry will spend the rest of their days tiptoeing around him, not hanging with their friends at the same time until in inevitably breaks the group. Oh, shit. What has he done?

He calls his sister.

“Hey, Alex. How’s the hangover?” She sounds cheerful. Alex wishes he could feel just an infinitesimal part like her.

“The hangover is probably, the least of my concerns.” Which is not really true, because he wants to rot it his pain and his heartbreak.

“What happened?” She sounds serious. On the other side of the line, he can hear steps. Nora is in the conversation —he knows it.

“Henry was here.”

“And?”

“And he wanted to know about last night.”

They stay silent. Alex goes and tells them everything that happened. He couldn’t explain it to Liam —he was still taking in what happened. So, he just said, “I think I need to die or move countries.” Liam caught on soon enough, though.

“That’s weird,” his sister comments.

“Thanks, bug, I noticed it, too.” He is a bit snarky, sue him.

He hears how his sister goes to bit something back— equally snarky —, when the door opens.

In comes a tired-looking Henry. Who stops in front of Alex, looking like he needs a hug. Alex if, frankly, fighting all his instincts here.

“I’ll call y’all later.”

He looks at Henry, from his place on the couch.

Liam comes out his room, looks at the scene before him. Picks up his keys and phone and leaves, mumbling something about Spencer, not minding the fact that he is still wearing his pajamas.

“What are you doing here?” Alex says. He goes to get up, he is feeling self-conscious, there lied down.

“He doesn’t like Stars Wars.”

Alex thinks he has hearing loss. He wouldn’t have believed what he heard if he hadn’t been looking at Henry. His lips moved; his vocal cords made a sound.

“Why does that matter?”

“He is not my perfect match. He doesn’t like Stars Wars.”

“For fuck’s sake, Henry.” Alex is irritated. “He is perfect in every other way, and you are focusing on that?”

Now he is not sure if is trying to defend Jessie.

You know who loves Stars Wars?

Him.

Alex.

Henry is looking at him.

“He is not perfect to me.”

“He just has one defect that isn’t even that important.”

Henry takes a deep breath. Alex is now in a vertical position. He hadn’t noticed how close Henry was to him until now, that they are almost nose to nose, even if Alex still has to look upwards to meet his eyes.

He sees something battling behind Henry’s eyes. It’s a look he hasn’t seen before. It’s new, but not a bad form of new.

“You like me?”

Henry is not making any sense. First the Stars Wars thing and now this. But Alex just nods.

“Romantically.”

“Obvi- “

He doesn’t finish the word, because Henry kisses him with such a force that almost sends them toppling over the couch. Alex holds his waist to gain leverage.

It takes all his will power to separate from him.

The kiss was… it was… it was all that Alex had been dreaming about. It was not fireworks —it was more like switching on the lights of your home when you arrive after a long trip. It was like a comfort touch, but at the same time it was fire, bringing him back to a life he didn’t know he could have.

He walks away, just a bit. He needs to put some distance to think.

1. Alex confessed. Kind of.
2. Henry kissed him.
3. 98% (2%??????????)
4. Jessie???
5. Oh, fuck. He just kissed Henry while he has a boyfriend.
6. But Henry kissed him first.
7. Henry is cheating. No. There is something more here…
8. What is going on?

“What?”

“Oh, god. I’m so sorry, Alex.” Henry starts to walk over the door. Again.

His too-fast-paced-brain does it again, and before he can think twice, he grabs Henry by the arm and pushes against him. He kisses him again. He is not sure if he is going to have it again and wants to be sure that he has something with him for when he is inevitably alone.

They need to stop before they cross the line of no-return.

They came back for air.

“Explain,” Alex whispers, his labored breath intertwined with Henry’s.

“I- My feelings for you go deep and are rooted within my whole being. I tried to act against it because I didn’t want to drive you away. I was happy by your side. In any shape or form that you’d have me.”

The words are rushed and soft, they feel like soft touches. Alex wants to close his eyes and find them craved on his eyelids.

“Jessie?”

“Honestly, he broke up with me,” Henry laughs. “He realized, the day that he met you, what was going on.”

Jessie is way smarter than both of them combined, apparently.

“He didn’t say anything, though. Until couple of weeks ago. I was talking about you, something you did… I don’t remember. And he called me out, he said that I talked so much about you that might as well be dating you instead of him. But he didn’t add anything else and went on without saying anything more.”

He smiled at Alex. He pushed a rogue curl off his forehead.

“I think I was telling myself that I could move on from you, but I was just trying to project you on him. When he said he couldn’t stand the Star Wars franchise, it all came crushing down.”

Alex has to laugh. He runs his fingers through Henry’s hair. His blond locks soft against his skin.

“Last night, he told me we needed to talk. And I knew he had enough of being the second-best. Then you went and sang that fucking song. I needed to know what it meant. I just… I left earlier because I was running late to meet with him. He broke up with me and I came back as fast as I could.”

Alex’s hands are now resting at the back of Henry’s neck.

“So… I am now the rebound,” he tries to word it like a joke. Deep down he knows it’s not true, but well. He has his own insecurities,

“No, Alex. All the time, I just could think about you. About that there was a chance. That maybe… maybe we could be together. For real. Alex, you are it. You have been it since I have known you.”

Henry is so serious that any other joke he could have, is forgotten.

He just. Kisses him.

“It always has been you, too, baby.”

Henry melts under his touch. Baby is a thing —good to know.

At the end they send a selfie to the group chat. They looked debouched and happy. It’s clear that they are both naked, even if in the frame its only their red-cheeked faces. No space between them (Not that that is different).

Spencer (liam’s bf): fucking finally.

bug: The rose quartz I gave you works.

Pezlikethesweets: And at the end, the world is finally back on track. Congratulations, babes.

Irl chaos demon: YES! 98% BABY!!!

Li: just warn me if i need to des-intoxicate any part of the place.