Archive of Our Own ^beta

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We didn't even know you that long, and you still left such a gaping void when you left.

It's been years since you died and there are still some days when it seems like it's fresh for him. Sometimes he's lethargic, like he'd rather spend all day thinking in bed. Sometimes he's restless, like he needs an enemy to fight that will bring you back when they're defeated. Sometimes he cries, and sometimes he'll want to be held, and others he'll want left alone—but he'll always say, "I don't know what to do." If he were anyone else, I'd be worried that he might make a bad decision.

I feel like a bad sister sometimes. I miss you, too, and our situation was too complicated to blame anyone for feeling any kind of way, but I feel like I don't miss you as much as I should. I wish I'd gotten to know you better.

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I still dream about you coming back.

Sometimes I see you somewhere in town, and you look a little surprised, like "Oh, I guess you found me."

Sometimes I have to chase you down, even though you aren't trying to run away. Sometimes I catch you, but I usually don't.

Sometimes you're just there like everything's normal, and everything is. That's how it's supposed to be. How it was supposed to be. I love my life and everyone in it, but whenever I wake up from those, reality just doesn't feel right. Like I woke up in the wrong world.

Sometimes we're already there together, and I hug you as tightly as I can and cry. You ask me to stop squeezing so tight, and I tell you I can't, because the last time I let you go, you went away forever, so I'll never let you go again. We'll just have to figure out how to live our lives like this, all but melded together. You call me an idiot.

I feel like a bad husband. Sometimes when I wake up from dreams of you, and I see the short black hair beside me, I feel so relieved for a moment before I remember. The first time, I actually called out your name. She was still asleep, and I'm glad she didn't have to hear that. She's been nothing but good to me and she doesn't deserve this. And she was too kind to me that morning, too, waking up from how badly I was shaking with guilt, and comforting me while all I could say were apologies.

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"Back then, if only I had..."

If only I could have let my walls down earlier. There's no excuse for the way he treated everyone, but it's not like I gave him much reason to be nice to me, either. We treated each-other horribly.

If only I had noticed how troubled he was. I never give adults the same consideration I give children. I mocked him for being childish, I knew he was still just a kid, yet I assumed he could take care of all of his own problems.

If only I hadn't pushed him away. He had finally tried to reach out to me, and I thoughtlessly made him feel like I rejected him as my family, while boasting all about the family I'd enjoyed for my whole life.

If only I hadn't been so stuck in my own head. I could have said something, done something—anything—to convince him sooner, and we all could have gotten out of there together.

If only I had done something other than numbly watch.

I did that to him. I helped make him feel unwanted and alone. I made him turn away. I put him in that position where he felt his life was worth so much less than any of ours that he threw it away without even asking. He died by the order of who he thought was his father, while believing that his sister would never want him.

Mictlan may have killed him, but I helped. I killed Leon.

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"Back then, if only I had..."

If only I had made Leon feel more welcome. I must have done something wrong to make him feel like he couldn't trust me to help him when he needed it most.

If only I had noticed he was hurting sooner. Even though I called him my best friend, I didn't even know someone had been hurting him since before we met.

If only I could make up my mind. If I stuck to the plan of becoming a knight, I would have been there by his side to help him.

If only I hadn't waited for him to take my hand. I should have been bolder and showed him with actions. I wasted too much time on words that I've never been good with.

If only I was smarter. I could have figured something out so he wouldn't have had to be too far away to reach the elevator in time.

If only I was stronger. I could have broken free and went back for him. I could have gone back to save him. There had to have been enough time. There had to.

I did that to him. I helped make him feel cornered and alone. I made him distrust me. I put him in that position where he felt like he had to be the one to make that final horrible decision. I left him to drown.

I killed Leon, didn't I? Hugo—Mictlan—killed him, and I helped.

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Backing away and admiring how thoroughly dazed Leon is, Stahn grins. "You don't have to wait for me to kiss you all the time, you know."

"Wha..." It takes a moment for Leon to snap back to attention. He clears his throat, embarrassed. "What?"

"I don't mind it much, but it's fine if you start it, too."

"I'm—Why would I ever, when you're already so needy? I feel overfed as it is."

"Really? I guess I should stop, then."

"I didn't say—!"

"I'll let you handle the pace for now, okay?"

And he bounds off without leaving room for argument.

True to his word, Stahn keeps a respectable distance between them for weeks.

But now Stahn has been looking up at him expectantly from where he sits on a bench.

"Could you stop looking at me like that? It's making my skin crawl."

"Looking at you like what?"

"Like you're waiting for something."

"Something?"

"You should just ask if there's something you want."

"You think so? You've had that same look on your face that you always have when you want to be kissed, but you look really frustrated. You should try asking too instead of waiting for weeks."

"I—! I do not make expressions like that. You're making things up to try to make a point."

"I don't have to make things up. You really do have a 'please kiss me' face! It took a while to recognize it, but it's why I was always kissing you so often."

"You really... have some strange delusions. Even if that were true, that'd mean I was asking in a sense. Don't lecture me."

"Then me looking at you like this is also asking, right? What's the problem?"

Leon purses his lips and glares, knowing he's cornered.

Stahn heaves a sigh. "It's really hard to hold back when you look like that, but I said I'd leave the pace to you."

"You're the one asking—"

"—If it bothers you, you can do something about it." Stahn beams up at him. "Do whatever you want."

Leon looks a little lost at that.

"Well? What do you want? What have you wanted for the past two weeks?"

"...To not have to ask you."

"You don't have to. You can just do it. It's alright. I'm saying it's alright. If you want to kiss me, you can."

"Stop saying 'kiss'!"

Silence stretches and Leon's face colors the more time passes, and Stahn just smiles up at him patiently. After far too long, Leon's hands come up to tentatively rest on his shoulders, trying (with limited success) to keep his expression blank as he slowly leans down to press a chaste kiss to Stahn's lips. When he pulls away, Stahn covers one of his hands with his own, keeping at least one where it is. He smiles brightly, like Leon has given him the world, all from one little kiss.

"So that's what it feels like," Stahn chuckles, "to be kissed."

A scathing retort dies in Leon's throat as the thought of wiping that joy away becomes abhorrent. "...So that's what it's like to kiss someone."

"You can do it anytime you want. You don't need an excuse, but if one makes it easier for you for now, I'll ask you over and over."

"You're ridiculous."

"Kiss me?"

"... If you really want to that bad."

"'It can't be helped,' right?"

A small smile tugs at Leon's lips. "Yeah. I'll have to."

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I'd never met someone so pure, so warm like the sun. I wouldn't—couldn't believe he was true.

He nearly died for me without even thinking about it, despite how horribly I treated him and his friends. Despite how I almost left him there. He forgave me for all of it.

He didn't want anything from me. There's so much I could have hypothetically done for his standing in life, and he wasn't interested in any of it. If not to make use of me, I don't understand what he could have seen in me, especially after all I went on to do.

I don't deserve someone like that. I don't even deserve my own family.

How could I have reached out for that light, when I knew all I could do was taint it?

Maybe I give myself too much credit. I doubt I could ever even begin to bring him down to my level.

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Sometimes the others called Leon small.

I wouldn't call myself big or tall. Leon is short, but I never really thought of him as small. I never felt like I was looking down at him. There's not even that big a gap in our height.

I don't think this is really what they meant when they said it, but I think I get it now after today.

Even standing on the high ground with sword drawn and brow set, he finally looked small to me. He was up there all alone and already favoring one leg.

He backed away from me like he was scared when I crowded him with words and empty hands. Even with Chaltier against my chest, putting my life in his hands, he looked so very small.

I chose differently that day. I didn't wait for him to take my hand. I took his myself, and the next thing I knew, we were being washed away by the water rushing in. The current swept him right into me, and I wasn't letting go for anything.

Woodrow caught and helped us on to the elevator, and when I looked down to Leon in my arms, he looked tiny. Maybe it was because he was soaked that he seemed to shrink. Maybe it was how limp, tired, and hurt he was. Maybe I was just noticing that he wasn't as strong as he made himself out to be. No matter what the reason was, it scared me. Holding him up and feeling like most of the weight was from his wet cape was scary.

I must have held on too tight, too; he complained that I was crushing him, but hearing that was the biggest relief I could have asked for, and it was hard to not squeeze even tighter.

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We've never actually talked about it. I got carried away thinking everything was as I thought it was because he didn't push me away, and I'm sure he just didn't want to talk about it. Every time we leaned on each-other, took each-other's hand, curled up closer on nights at an inn, made plans for the future.

There's been so much buildup, but the snapping is sudden.

We're so much closer than we've ever been, even breathing the same air. I can see his chest rise and fall with the same anticipation I'm feeling.

He's waiting, and getting more nervous the longer this drags on. For a moment, I even feel him shaking a little.

I usually don't mind saving his pride, but this just doesn't feel like the right time for him to expect it of me. I don't want to cross this line mistakenly. I want him to tell the truth.

"Tell me you want this," I whisper, desperately.

I feel his sharp inhale. "Now of all times, you want your ego stroked?" He looks away.

"I know you need your excuses to do what you want, but I'm not going to give you one this time." I don't let him turn his face away. "I can't always know what you're thinking. I don't want to have to guess who's being indulged here."

He looks alarmed at that. "I'm not—... I'm not... indulging you with this. Do you really think I would?" Ah, he still won't say it...

"What does that mean?"

It's cute. "...That I won't be doing this just to make you happy." It's really cute, and I want to give in, but...

"And?"

He looks so frustrated and is breathing harder, like he's really struggling. It's almost hard to watch, but so endearing. Like he's hit his tipping point, his hands that had been stiff at his sides come up to mirror the way I've held his face. "And I want this! I love you and I want more of—of this! I want to kiss— y-your.. your stupid face..."

Ahh, I'm so proud of him. He lost steam at the end, but he stuck it out and was honest for once! "Was that so hard?" I know it was, but I can't help but tease him a little.

"Shut up—"

I do, and I shut him up, too.

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Your favorite RPGs have probably had plenty of party members needing to share a bed several times. It's probably even a normal setup for them that they just assume will be happening. It's just practical. Those inn rooms cost more than couch cushion money, I assure you. There is no way they'd be spending double or triple the amount to make sure everyone got their own bed or room when gear upkeep (rerise does not exist, I'm sorry) and food (food sack does not exist, I'm sorry) and other travel supplies are all necessary to factor in. And they're probably not just finding money on the ground after beating up a demon bunny. Realistically, they have to be frugal with their funds at all times even if they have enough to spare at the moment.

So basically I'm saying yes Stahn and Leon have absolutely canonically shared a bed and both have probably ended up either falling or kicked out of bed from Stahn's starfishing.

Imagine. Backs turned to each-other. Sleeping soundly. Stahn rolls over on to his back, arms flopping out. Leon's woken up by a hand slapping into his face. He shoves the arm away and tries to go back to sleep. It flops back over on to him and Stahn tries to sprawl out. Leon elbows him. Somehow, Stahn stays asleep. It keeps happening until Leon finally shoves him off the bed and to the floor. Stahn stirs, decides he's not under attack, and goes right back to sleep. Other nights, Leon loses this battle.

Yes. This is normally how the boys' bed goes until Woodrow joins. (Then it’s just flipping a coin to see who has to suffer Stahn that night)

On the less-than-canon side of things, there's a rare night when Stahn isn't hogging the bed. He'll be too exhausted to even roll over, and they just sleep back-to-back. Leon sleeps well those nights. It's surprisingly relaxing, feeling like his back is guarded. He's surprised he isn't the first to wake after those nights, roused only by the noise of others in the room getting ready or by banging on the door.

Rarer nights still are those when it’s just too cold. Stahn, fittingly, is like a furnace. Stahn won’t wake up from it and Leon always wakes up first anyway, so he’ll guilty lay a little closer. It’s just practical. No different from a hot water bottle. He’ll fall asleep at his side and may wake up partially atop him. He’ll jerk away the first few times it happens, but eventually he’ll stay until he hears noise in the other rooms. For the heat, of course. It’s good for aching muscles. It’s just practical.

He’s lucky he’s never overslept on those nights.

(There was one mortifying night that Stahn did wake up from just how cold Leon’s hands were. He doesn’t know how convincing his pretending to be asleep was, but he needs to believe it worked.)

(Something exactly none of them notice is that when Leon gets up before everyone, Stahn usually rolls over to be laying on what was Leon's side of the bed and pillow.)

Back on the maybe-flirting-with-canon side of things: when they have to camp outdoors, I like to think that after the petrification incident, he did start setting his bedroll next to Stahn's. Not too close; still the same distance that everyone keeps from each-other. They're just usually next to each-other. Incidentally, of course. He just happens to put his there because it's convenient. Not because he feels most comfortable next to his new friend. Idiot. Not that they're friends or anything. Dummy.

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(Leon → Leon)

I want to protect him, too.

You want to be the protector of everyone you care about, it seems.

... At least I have a chance of protecting him. Even if it's by keeping him out of my life. I never got that chance with Marian.

You can't protect anything.

(Stahn → Leon)

I've spent the last several years walking with the dead in my arms. Please, just let me rest.

(Stahn → Leon)

Yes, even when you feel broken or tainted. Because you're not. You're not.

(Leon)

I want to be selfish. I want to hold on to everything and never let go. I want to take his hand and ask for more. I want to take her hand and be welcomed home.

(Stahn/Leon) (Alternatively to the Emilio drabble in the Lemon Gummi Edition)

"So what's up with your name, anyway? Did you want me to call you Emilio now?"

"...No. 'Leon' doesn't feel like such a horrible name when you say it."

While I hated every moment of the store room puzzles in the PSX version, there is the advantage to having them be there. As an extra place to hide away. (*´艸`)

Stahn really not letting go once they all get out of there alive. Always keeping at least a hand on Leon's shoulder for the rest of the day. Even with all of the crew quarters available on the Draconis, insisting they share that night. Emotions were just so high that day, and Leon scared him so badly. One last time before falling asleep, he assures Leon they're going to win. They'll save Marian and stop Hugo. Thanks him again for trusting them. And they're not even romantic yet.

Until you get to Phandaria, the group is 2 boys (very temporarily 3) and 3 girls. Mary and Rutee have been traveling together for an unknown amount of time, but long enough to trust each-other implicitly. None of the girls are hostile with each-other, so they probably have no problems bathing together at this early point.

Philia remarks after the first time how nice it is to have someone to wash her back after such a long time at the temple.

And Stahn thinks how sad it is that there is nobody to wash Leon's back since he always bathes alone ( ﾟ,_ゝﾟ) So when it's Leon's turn at the stream, he goes to offer! And comes back with a black eye.

He's low-key jealous that the girls get to bond like that. He never quite makes it to that level with Leon before they return the Eye.

Once Stahn learns about Leon's sweet tooth, he goes out of his way to get a local sweet from each town they visit. Brings two back to their inn room without prompting and just hands one to him. The first time, Leon thinks Stahn is just making fun of him, but it quickly becomes an enjoyable part of travel that he unconsciously finds himself looking forward to. Whenever he retires to their inn room, he kind of waits in anticipation.

(Maybe he recognizes that same anticipation the first night back in Darilsheid and he has to confront that he's going to miss everyone.)

I couldn't think of any dialogue for it, I just had a scene in my head of Stahn somehow irritating the hell out of Leon somehow. Not angering, but annoying and somehow endearing. Not even on purpose. And Leon finally just grabs him by the shirt and drives him backward while yelling "I. Have had it with you!!" and kisses him super aggressively. And it just catches Stahn so off-guard.

I wonder what the laws on alcohol consumption are there? Might be a lower drinking age, and wine might not even count. Might be a normal dinner beverage even for younger people, since wine and beer back in ye olden days were considerably weaker. (The night-before-final-fight scene also had Chelsea kinda messed up, so at the least, they must be pretty lax about checking ages...)

Maybe Stahn already has just a little experience drinking stuff stronger than dinner wine, and Leon thinks having more than 3 glasses of dinner wine means he could handle his drink. Tries to drink Stahn under the table over something stupid. It does not go well for him.

("I don't get hangovers," Leon insists the following morning, head absolutely pounding.)

Hand Leon some mead at that night-before-the-final-fight tavern party.

They're both kinda cuddly drunks. Leaning into each-other without worrying about anyone seeing. Leon just kind of ragdolling into Stahn's side if he's jostled that way, a combination of unconscious trust and not knowing how to handle the fog in his head.

They retire to their room for the night, two separate beds for once. Leon crawls in with Stahn anyway, forgetting. Stahn's delighted either way, happy to hold him when he mutters in distress that he feels like he's falling. Assures him he's not falling, and even if he is, he'll catch him.

(The extra bed was actually someone else's anyway. Leon also forgot he meant to sleep at the manor. Johnny has a new song about a phoenix and a lion the next day.)

(Little bit of an extension to Waltz)

In a Leon-survives scenario, they're all invited to some formal event since whew they saved the world. Stahn tries to dance with Rutee, but from a combination of her not knowing any ballroom dances, and Stahn being more used to following, they're a bit of a mess on the dance floor. Leon cuts in, telling them they're embarrassing themselves. Rutee's left standing there watching a little in awe as they dance near flawlessly together.

Stahn just finding Leon incredibly attractive after sparring. Whether he's out of breath or didn't break a sweat, no matter how close he comes to winning. Leon's skill is what he was first dazzled by, after all. He's beautiful even after he's done exhibiting it all.

Dymlos and Chaltier getting left in another room. Dymlos complains that Stahn and Leon are getting too distracted with one-another. Chaltier mutters "Now you know how I felt..." "What does that mean?" "(￣ε￣ﾒ) NOTHING"

Stahn taking the ends of Leon's cape and flipping it over both their heads in a poor attempt to hide a kiss...

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I'm of the firm belief that had Leon directly survived and stayed with the group, he'd have attached himself to Stahn. The Best Friend title is now earnestly reciprocated. His trust has been won. Elevated to the same level of importance as Chal and Marian. If not then, then definitely after saving Marian. And he'd start acting at least a little more like he does when alone with Chal. That's what I see happening in canon if they don't have the guts to make good on all the bait.

But of course, I'd like to think that saving Marian is when he realizes he's got Feelings.

Since he'd be there for when she's saved, they'd probably have a short talk, and Marian would still make her remarks about how close Stahn and Leon seem, but Leon would openly agree this time, and she'd just be brimming with joy that he's accepted his first friend, who seems to really care for him. He'd thank the party for helping save her, in a moment of raw sincerity with all walls down. I think he'd probably want to go with her in the escape pod to make absolute sure she got back to the manor safely, so he'd leave the party for a bit and need picking up. I don't know how to maneuver that around to happen since Dycroft is directly after that, though. Probably just extend the amount of time needed to get everything ready to break through since they'd need Leon there to maximize chances of success. (The practical option would be to send a non Swordian user back with her, but they need time to talk, dangit.)

So he'd be escorting Marian back to Darilsheid (we've seen how those escape pods choose to land in the middle of nowhere lol) and they'd talk more. Maybe some difficult discussions about what he did, what she almost did to stop him. But definitely about the good influence that the group has been on him, and how important bonds can be. She's open about how happy it made her to see him standing side-by-side with them. At some point along the way, she also mentions that Stahn was mostly looking at him through that brief encounter; watching him fuss over Marian with a really fond look on his face. "How to put it... while you were relieved I was safe, he was relieved you were safe." And while Leon's face is burning much like it did when she called him out before back at the manor, she continues, "You told me before, about what happened in Calviola. He's always been ready to throw everything away for you, hasn't he? Sounds like someone else I know. You should make sure he knows how much you appreciate him."

She doesn't push any more than that, but it's set up the parallels between the three of them. How single-minded Leon was for Marian's sake, and how single-minded Stahn has been for Leon's sake. He wonders if there are any other similarities, and stumbles back upon his rejected advances. The thought is now in his head that Stahn might feel for him what he thought he felt for Marian. And he... doesn't hate it.

When they pick him back up, he tests himself out just a little bit. Goes for another handshake under the guise of thanking Stahn again for helping save Marian. It lingers, and he focuses on just the feeling of their hands joined. It's a... comforting feeling. It'd be nice to just stay like this. Then he remembers and drops it. Covers the pause with another thank you. Stays, because hiding from this would work toward the exact opposite of what he knows he wants now. If he's blushing, it's fine to show it now, right?

I think this would lead to Leon being more proactive. Like, he wouldn't start coming on to Stahn (probably got just a little scared out of being that forward right out the gate after Marian turned him down), but he'd be looking for Signs and try to reciprocate them all (and probably misinterpret several like the cringefail teen he is) and look for any reason to take the spot beside Stahn.

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The night before they set off for the end, Leon sits out in the garden. He's just finished filling Marian in and saying his goodbyes just in case, and needed the air to calm down.

Stahn meets with him. They talk about how precarious the situation is, and yet how fortunate they are that everyone's come to work together. They recall Leon's previous want to work alone and how far he's come since then. Leon admits that he almost left them behind that time in Calvalese, and Stahn says that it doesn't matter. What matters is that he did come back for them. He recounts how happy he was that Leon had started warming up after that.

Stahn asks what Leon plans to do after everything is over. Leon realizes that there won't be anything left to escape from; he'll be free. He honestly doesn't know what to do. His title remains because of everyone vouching for him, but he doesn't entirely feel like he still deserves his position when he's guilty of every crime he was accused of. He's not even sure that's what he wants anymore. He was raised to take that position, and he never got the chance to explore himself outside of that role. He's seen the world, but he hasn't really reconciled with himself now that the pressure he's lived his whole life under is gone.

Stahn asks him to come back to Lienea with him; take a vacation out where the days are slow, where he'll have time to breathe and find himself in a village that doesn't know him.

Leon smiles, tells him he shouldn't make plans like that without asking everyone it would affect. His dear sister and grandfather would probably have opinions on him intruding. Stahn insists there's always room for one more in a village like his. He offers his hand, and asks again, "Come with me?", and Leon agrees.

When it's all over, Leon is stuck in bureaucratic hell for a few months with everything Hugo's name left behind, finally secures time off, spends some quality time with Marian, then packs up.

Stahn surprises him by meeting him at the port, having been worried how he'd fare on a boat after everything he's been through. Spends the voyage with Leon's wrist in his lap, figuring out Rutee's trick.

They stop for ice cream before leaving Neustadt, and actually get to eat it this time.

Struck by how close they were to never being able to do this, Stahn tells Leon he's glad he's here—not here specifically, but just... here. Flustered, Leon responds that that's the fault of someone right here. Stahn tells him over and over again through the coming months.

Leon gets to meet Stahn's family. He's embarrassed to find Stahn spoke of him about as often as he spoke of Stahn to Marian, so they feel like they already know him. He has plenty to talk about with Thomas, having done the same work. Lilith is friendly, but has a protective edge, and lightly teases him about all the things the 'hot shot city boy' doesn't know how to do.

He participates in normal domestic life for the first time, slotting in to the chore rotation. It's all work that would be stressful and tedious in the city and certainly has been on the road, but it's surprisingly relaxing at the pace of country life. He grows a new appreciation for everything Marian's always done. He learns to bake for himself, taking advantage of finally having access to the best eggs in the world again. He (and Stahn, surprisingly) learns to cook more than just what's most useful on the road, and what it feels like for others to wholeheartedly enjoy what he made. More than that, he learns to cook together; asking and passing things back and forth, accidentally bumping sides and maybe wasting half a cup of flour retaliating for the handprint left on his back. The results still taste all the better for the joint effort.

He spars with Stahn to keep them both sharp. The first time is awkward for the both of them; neither has really had to fight since the showdown with Mictlan, and they both fumble when instinctively reaching for magic that isn't available to them anymore. They call it off that day, and reminisce together about Dymlos and Chaltier. They get back to it eventually, and some rounds go long enough to draw a small crowd. Lilith asks to join one day for fun, and Leon's surprised to find that fighting her is like flashing back to when he'd first fought Stahn in Harmentz. They were raised by the same grandfather, after all. She has the same potential as Stahn did, but she's not especially interested in it beyond a hobby and self-defense. He wonders if he could have seen swordsmanship the same way if he hadn't been forced.

He learns how to herd sheep, and everything that comes along with it. He's not sure what he expected, but he's impressed that Stahn's actually a fairly proper shepherd. Stahn introduces him to all of the sheep, and they don't care for him much at first—Jonathan least of all, aggressively headbutting him any time he stands too close to Stahn. After the first day of it, Stahn has him wear one of his shirts, hoping the sheep will calm down if Leon smells more like he belongs. It... works?

He finds himself just a little amazed at Stahn's form when wrestling the more ornery sheep for shearing. Sure and firm, yet clearly never harming the sheep, and still able to get a mostly in-tact fleece without a nick. He's given the most docile and limp sheep to work with, and his own first shear, while bloodless, reminds him of his first attempt at peeling a potato. Stahn's hands guide him until he can get a suitably close shear, and his world becomes a pinpoint under the lesson. Through pushing and pulling and lifting the sheep, he grows a new appreciation for the strength of farm hands. Lilith makes him a muffler out of some of the wool he helped shear, and the way she hands it to him makes it feel more like a welcoming gift. Seeing how happy him receiving that made Stahn, Lilith is added onto the list of people Leon would die for.

He's put off a bit by the less kind tasks at first, mostly because of the juxtaposition with how he's always seen Stahn. But it's all part of life, and he's certainly done worse without flinching. He immediately excels in one area that Stahn is outright forbidden from handling: selling. He learns the fair prices and trades for wool, meat and hides from Lilith and sternly haggles the offers to her listing where Stahn would have caved.

Despite Stahn's sleeping habits, he'd been an effective night watch during their time on the road, and Leon learns why. News of a wolf sighting makes its way through the village, and Stahn is able to keep watch for nearly the whole night alone until switching off. They don't lose a single sheep. Leon can't be too mad when he finds Stahn napping with a few of them out in the field later that day.

But there's still no excuse for sleeping in once the wolf is dealt with. Lilith teaches him the secret to Wake the Dead, saying he'll probably need it one day. He's not sure what she means until days later when Stahn knocks him backward into the hay and he's slowly kissed breathless under the open, blue sky. It complicates whatever conclusion he's (they're) going to come to at the end of this holiday, but they'll cross that bridge when they get to it.

Until then, there's warm nights under the stars that aren't visible in Darilsheid, and he'd rarely had time to look at on the road; there's hazy days where he learns the appeal of a nap in the grass; and there's perhaps too much time spent hidden among hay bails.

Chapter Text

Leon refuses to use the hot springs with everyone. Says it's a waste of time when a normal bath is more efficient. Of course, the truth is that he just doesn't want to bathe in a group. Stahn decides to skip too in favor of catching some extra sleep before they set out the next day.

Everyone else has their nice hot spring bath. Kongman gets non-fatally stabbed in the head. All is good.

Leon sneaks out of the inn late at night to use the hot spring alone. He almost brings Chal with him, but before he can leave the inn, Chal dodgily says "Nnnevermind, I'd rather not need more maintenance after a soak. Never know what kind of minerals are in a hot spring! Ugh, the buildup!" so Leon reluctantly leaves him behind.

Luckily, there's nobody else around and it's near closing time, so he's told he'll be the last customer of the day. He heads in. Right behind him is Stahn, who Chal had noticed following him and wanted no part of this.

Leon almost leaves as soon as Stahn's through the door, since part of the reason he didn't want to join everyone was how awkward it would be with Stahn. They're newly together, so seeing each-other in a state of undress has a different context to it. Stahn convinces him to stay, saying it's been a while since he's bathed with anyone. The last time had been when him and Lilith were little kids.

Stahn chatters through most of their washing off, not catching the tension at all. Leon stays turned away and only offering short responses. When he gets to his hair, Stahn stops him, saying he wants to do it.

It sounds juvenile; Leon has been washing himself since he was old enough to understand the concept of hygiene, thank you very much. But Stahn insists.

He's tense at first, but quickly finds the gentle scrubbing relaxing. Stahn is surprisingly good at this. Maybe because of all the extra hair he has to manage. He feels like he could fall asleep upright like this.

Then it's over, and Stahn rinses the soap out. Without prompting, he also washes Leon's back, maybe lingering a bit longer than necessary just to massage any aches away. Leon flinches a few times, mostly when it's too close to his sides.

"Me next?"

Well, it'd be selfish not to return the favor.

Stahn's more vocal about it, humming and tilting his head back, leaning into it. It makes it difficult to work. Leon complains and pushes him away, and Stahn says he can't help it.

When he also starts on his back, Stahn thanks him. Suggests they do this more often after rougher days. Leon responds that he's not going to be Stahn's masseur.

Soaking in the spring together afterward isn't nearly as awkward as Leon thought it would be. Maybe because Stahn already broke that ice. They only sit side-by-side, enjoying the heat.

The sky is only slightly darker than it was in the afternoon; few stars to be seen between the web of the ever-growing crust threatening to choke their world. It was almost a romantic sight.

"We're gonna win."

Leon hopes so. For Marian's sake, for the sake of the world he almost helped destroy, for his sister, for all of... their friends. For Stahn. And maybe even for himself, too.

"If it's all of us together, I know we can do it."

Stahn leans against him, head resting atop his. Leon finds his hand under the water and clasps it.

He believes it.

It's quiet and comfortable for a long time before suddenly there's a lot more weight on him and a loud snore cuts through the silence.

Chapter Text

"You sure go along with anything Stahn says pretty easily these days..."

"It's not like he leaves much room for argument. He decides things on his own. What else am I supposed to do?"

"Say 'no'?"

"I do."

"Well, you have to mean it... You used to walk away, but now you follow before you've even finished declining."

"..."

"Hmm... Rather than 'going along with it', it's more like... you've entrusted yourself to him."

"Watch your wording."

"It's true, though! Ever since Libra IV, when he asked you to trust him... you do. Almost unconditionally."

"...He's rarely led us wrong when he takes charge. Somehow."

"Hehe... You say he's like a puppy that follows you around, but if he says 'paw', you'll give him your hand right away."

"Good night, Chal."

Chapter Text

After spending far too many mornings since his 13th birthday checking carefully in the mirror, Leon swears to only check once a year.

The morning of his 16th, his face is still just as smooth as it was when he was a child. His shoulders fall.

He breaks that vow somewhere along their journey after seeing what a week without a razor did to Woodrow's face.

He runs his fingers across his cheeks, his upper lip, his jawline and chin.

All just soft peach fuzz. Not even a single coarse chin hair.

He bitterly wonders if Rutee has to shave off more of a mustache than he can find in the mirror.

"Oh, so you are up!" The door, only cracked, opens and Stahn steps in. "We were going to stop at the tavern before setting off. What are you doing?"

Leon quickly returns his hand to his side, face burning. "Nothing."

"'Nothing', huh..." Stahn repeats with obvious familiarity. He steps up beside Leon at the mirror, leaning toward it and turning his face this way and that. "Y'know, I can't grow one yet either. Best I ever get is some patchy stuff around my cheeks and jaw." He runs his fingers over the area as example. "What do they call that? Mutton chops? Fitting. Hahah."

'At least you have that much,' Leon sulks internally.

"You'll probably get it someday, though. Hugo's got a decent beard."

Without intending to, he pictures his face in the mirror morphing into that of his father's.

Growing a beard doesn't seem so appealing anymore.

Chapter Text

Everyone probably does their own morning routines alone for a while except maybe Mary and Rutee. Have to do stretches and such before getting back on the road! Likewise for muscle maintenance when they set up camp. Battles aren't a consistent workout for staying strong, and it wouldn't do to fall behind.

Imagine Stahn joining Leon for his. They compare and critique routines and end up combining them. There must be something to each of them, after all, with Stahn's hardiness and Leon's speed.

(In a Leon-survives route)

The next time Leon gets to really talk to Marian, he very firmly says that they can not and will not be just employer and employee, then starts to get visibly nervous. Marian worries that he hasn't given up on his feelings for her, but he stutters out that they're going to be friends. She laughs, in relief and because it sounds so silly after all they've been through. She agrees, and is surprised and laughs again when he prompts her for a handshake. After so many handshake prompts from Stahn, he thought that's just what you do when you affirm friendship!

(Stahn → Leon)

I see you in her sometimes. Rutee is Rutee, but it's impossible to not notice now that I know. I wonder if you'd still look alike if you got the chance to finish growing up beside her.

Ever since Countryside, I really can't stop thinking of all the not so fluffy parts of shepherding. Stahn gently leading the sheep to the slaughterhouse. Hammer over his shoulder since they likely don't have modern tools for stunning, already having perfected the art of the singular killing blow for minimal pain and suffering. Hanging it up to bleed, skinning it, all that goes into packaging it. Exiting all grimed up and unbothered since it's just part of the family trade that he grew up used to. Lilith being able to do all the same stuff.

Leon returning to their inn room to find Stahn sitting hunched on the floor with his gloves, boots, and belt around him, thoroughly conditioning it all one by one. He's surprised that Stahn is so diligent in taking care of his leather, having expected him to be careless and rough about it. Stahn actually has a lot of respect for it as something that used to be alive and protects him, and has just a little bit of experience with making it. His family may not make leather, but he's stuck around the tanner's sometimes after selling sheep hides. It's an eye-opening little peek into Stahn's world.

Leon's just been dropping his off at the cobbler when necessary. Stahn offers to teach him how to do it, assuming he just doesn't know how, but Leon snaps back of course he knows how to take care of all of his equipment—every knight should—it's just a tedious task. Stahn then offers to do it for him for half the cobbler's rate, and intends to follow it up with something like 'Rutee would probably offer something like that, right?', but Leon actually agrees before he can. It's better that the money technically goes right back into their travel funds, after all. Stahn feels like he can't take the joke offer back and ends up doing it.

After the petrification incident, Leon does it himself and joins Stahn for it. They don't talk much, but it's a nice bonding experience. ^[LGE02-1]

Chapter Text

The best way for an actual save-Leon route to go
As in, we get another full remake.

Stahn does not just sit home to make Lilith happy. He's incredibly restless and he wants to see his friends again, but he also can't just ignore his dear little sister.

So he takes her with him. He shows her the world he was able to see, tells her all about what happened in every town and region, and they see and learn even more of it together. They visit everyone Stahn met and he introduces her to them. (Well, maybe not Rutee since she told him in no uncertain words to not visit.) Lilith may still prefer to stay back in Lienea after they're all done, but she sees first-hand how much Stahn thrives out in the world, how many friends he made, how much good he was able to do even without an official title, and she can't in good conscience keep his wings clipped.

They run into Leon across most towns in Seinegald, since he's sent all over the place for work. Lilith finally gets to meet this famed Leon that Stahn spoke so much about. She doesn't really get what's so special about him, but Stahn obviously sees something in him.

Their last stop is Darilsheid, which they travel to with Leon on his way back from a mission. They talk about the knight position, and Stahn hesitates. Lilith answers for him, asking just how much more of the world there could possibly be to see until he's ready. He's overjoyed at having her blessing, and she can see just a little bit of visible excitement and relief in Leon.

Before they can officially end their trip and go home to say goodbye to Thomas and pick up anything Stahn might need for moving to Darilsheid, it's time for Leon's life to get worse.

But Stahn's right there when it happens this time.

Then there's two ways it plays out, depending on which of Leon's backstories this hypothetical remake decided to take.

If they follow the PS2 remake, instead of stealing the Draconis, Leon steals Dymlos and goes to Stahn for help. Dymlos is the voice of reason and tells them they'll need to strategically give up ground for now, because just the two of them, even if Lilith could help, aren't going to be able to do anything except get themselves killed. Leon plays along with Mictlan's plan until Libra IV, where he rejoins the group without a fight. No fight means no delay, so they're ahead of the explosion. Stahn, Leon, Dymlos and Chaltier get an added sense of guilt when the aethersphere begins construction, since their only plan of action led to this still being possible.

If they follow not-Remake, Stahn would have noticed Leon growing more and more tense as time went on (and the start of Mictlan's plan draws closer). He'd eventually drag the details out of him. Security around Marian would likely be nonexistent since in that continuity (or at least in Proust's), Mictlan was always willing to let Leon take Marian and run, just with the threat that he'd find her and kill her. So they'd be able to get Marian out of dodge ahead of time. With ties to foreign diplomats now, they could probably send her to Woodrow or Johnny for protection. (They haven't fought Mictlan yet to know he could probably destroy the entire Phandaria or Aquaveil army, but even if he could, an entire country on high alert is still difficult to navigate.) No need for Leon to even pretend to betray Stahn in this case. Everyone is able to mobilize against Mictlan earlier with all the information from Leon. (But of course, it doesn't really help.)

Chapter Text

"Let go."

It's such a small, quiet sound amid the water in his ears and rushing around them that Stahn almost doesn't catch it. "Why would I?!" He squeezes Leon tighter against him with one arm, the other holding on to a groove in a stalagmite. "We're going to make it! We're almost there."

The elevator is within sight downstream, and the others have all managed to drag themselves up on to it. Woodrow and Philia crouch at the edge, one arm holding the frame of the elevator and the other outstretched and ready to help pull them up if they get close enough. Rutee waves the arm Leon hadn't incapacitated and tries to shout over the noise.

The rising water already licks up at the last few stairs. If they don't leave soon, the cave will flood too far for the elevator to work. If they only had to drift downstream, it'd be easy, but there's still a daunting amount of distance across the stream.

"You won't make it over there in time if you have to carry me," Leon shivers, "if you can even make it at all. You need both arms."

"He's right, Stahn," Dymlos's voice comes through clearly. "Your chances of survival aren't great under these circumstances."

"It's alright. We didn't really plan to come back from this, anyway," Chaltier admits for them both.

Stahn shakes his head. "All of you shut up!" he shouts with enough venom to silence the two Swordians. They both know how stubborn their masters can be, and at this point, Dymlos knows there's no arguing him out of it. "The only reason I have to carry you is because we hurt you." Stahn pulls them closer to the stalagmite so he can brace his feet against it. "I'm not leaving you down here just because I messed up," his voice cracks at the end, but his grip doesn't falter.

'We' and then 'I' is all too telling and it only makes the guilt worse. Leon's injuries are his own fault, for failing to even make them all hate him enough to—no, for not trusting the hands that were willing to forgive him fast enough. If he dies today, it'll be more than deserved.

He'd be surprised if Marian ever wanted to see his face again after all he's done to protect her, and even that was all in vain. The side he's pressed against was warm, but he's leeched that away, too. He can't be the reason that this light is extinguished. If there's at least one thing he can do, it has to be this.

He tries to catch Stahn by surprise first, suddenly tensing up to push away from him with as much strength as he can still muster.

"What are you doing—stop! Leon!"

"Let go!" He doesn't know how Stahn still has so much energy to spare, but he holds fast. No amount of continued struggling gets him anywhere. He's suddenly aware of how dizzy he is when he falls limp again. "Stahn... it won't be your fault."

"The moment I choose to let go, it will be." Shifting Leon against him, he tries to make a pocket between his back and the stalagmite.

"I'm tired."

"We need to get you to Rutee and Atwight. If you'll just work with me—"

"No. I'm so tired." His eyes look bruised as he tries to make eye contact, but it's too blurry. "Let me finally rest. I've been carrying everything I've done for so long. Everyone I've killed on my way here. I don't want to carry your death, too."

"Stop it, you won't!" Stahn finally gets into the position he wanted. "Neither of us are dying here! Quit trying to kill yourself and get on my back." He doesn't give Leon much of an option as he maneuvers him into that calmer pocket between the rock. "Just hold around my neck and don't worry. It'll be fine." Stahn turns his head around to Leon to give what he hopes is an encouraging grin, but it comes across as begging. "Please. Please, Leon. I don't know what it's like to carry that burden, but please don't make me find out."

Heart clenching, Leon wavers as he thinks of what his actions will ultimately do for once. The desperation in Stahn's voice, the stalwart grip he's had on him through the current. If Stahn makes it out of here alone, then...

Leon does deserve to die here, but Stahn doesn't deserve to experience that. He doesn't know what he's done to apparently have become this precious, but he can't continue to hurt Stahn more than he already has.

Conscience burning, Leon nods, unclasps both of their capes to let the current take the extra hazards away, and wraps his arms around Stahn's neck as firmly as he can.

He can't see Stahn's face, but he doesn't think he's ever heard him sound more relieved. "Even if you think it's too tight, keep holding on. We're gonna make it."

"...Yeah."

Adjusting to brace his legs against the stalagmite again, Stahn kicks off and begins the battle against the rapids. Between other stalagmites and fallen bits of the ceiling, there's just enough to grab on to to keep them from washing too far down stream.

"...Stop, look out!" Rutee's voice makes it through, and Stahn trusts her instruction. A large stalactite falls close to where they would have been, and becomes a convenient next rest point with how firmly it buries itself in the ground.

Stahn gets them to it and catches his breath, bringing a hand up to squeeze Leon's wrist encouragingly. "We're almost there. Just a little more after we kick off from here."

The distance between them and the elevator combined with how far upstream they are makes for a tight window of opportunity. That pause to avoid the falling rock put them almost too far down. If the current gets any stronger, they're not likely to make it.

If it gets any stronger, Leon isn't sure he'll be able to hold on, either. It's getting colder, and harder to perceive distance.

And time and movement, apparently. By the time Leon finishes the thought, the weight of his waterlogged clothes presses down on him as Woodrow and Philia pull him from Stahn's back first. He's handed off to Rutee's hold, and he struggles for a moment to go back to make sure Stahn makes it up too, but she has a tight grip around him with her working arm.

"Stahn—"

"He's fine! You need to stay still!"

He doesn't have much choice in the matter, unable to tell up from down, and stomach suddenly lurching. Or maybe that's the elevator ascending.

Before he can panic, a blur of familiar colors sprawls along the ground in front of him, and he relaxes at the proof that Rutee was telling the truth. Stahn gasps around relieved laughter, shakily muttering a mess of 'I told you so's. He distantly notes Chal speaking, and something slapping insistently against his cheek, but he can't quite feel it.

He passes out before they make it to the surface.

When he wakes up, he's immediately hit with a wave of nausea. He rolls over—agony flaring up through every cut and bruise—and finds a bucket conveniently placed beside the bed. His hair is held back from his face by someone, but he doesn't really care who it is right now.

Once it passes and he's left to catch his breath, he finally registers the voices in the room.

"Easy, Young Master. We're on the Draconis." That explains the nausea. "Er, yes and no. You lost a lot of blood." Did he say it out loud?

Rolling back over to face the ceiling, his arm brushes against someone in the bed with him. He turns his head to see Rutee, unconscious and looking exhausted to her absolute limit.

"She and Atwight really gave their all to get you stabilized," Stahn's voice comes softly from the other side. Leon turns his head over and regrets it immediately as he realizes how dizzy he still is. Stahn sits on a chair at the bedside, keeping watch over the two of them. Chaltier is set on the bedside table with Dymlos and Atwight.

"Is she alright?" Leon croaks, then coughs to try to clear his throat.

"Yeah, just tired," it comes out fond and slow, giving Leon notice of the dark circles under Stahn's eyes.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just tired," Stahn repeats with a chuckle. "Woodrow and Philia are piloting, so that left me to watch. Can't go fallin' asleep when you hadn't woken up yet."

Leon turns back to the ceiling. "Go sleep. You'll be no good to anyone dead on your feet."

"Yeah. Sounds good." Stahn's ungloved hand brushes the hair away from Leon's face and rests on his forehead. Leon still feels too unsteady to bat it away. "Just really needed to see you through the other side of all that." He scrubs at an eye with his other hand. "You're here."

With his sister at one side, and his... friend, at the other... yeah. "I'm here."

Chapter Text

(Judas → Stahn)

I look at him and I wonder about it. Even though it would have been impossible, I wonder if he'd still look the same if he were ours instead.

(??? → Judas) ^[LGE03-1]

"Are you really going to be that selfish again, Leon Magnus?"

He only pauses for the moment it takes to respond, "I said I would, didn't I? No matter how many times I'm reborn, I'll always make the same choice." And then he's marching as surely as he did to his own death 18 years ago.

(Kyle → Judas) ^[LGE03-2]

"Are you really going to be that selfish again, Leon Magnus?!"

Judas glares hard over his shoulder. "I forfeited my right to be beside any of them long ago."

"Who cares about 'rights' and—and 'deserving'—you want to be with them, don't you?!"

"I've hurt them enough."

"You're only hurting both of you more this way! You want to be with him! And I spent my whole childhood hearing all about how much he wanted to be with you. If it wasn't Dad talking about 'Leon', 'Leon', it was Mom talking about Dad talking about 'Leon', 'Leon'. I've been staring at a you-shaped hole for my entire life. You have the chance to change that. I know Dad was happy enough as things were, but... I want to know what he's like with you. I want to know the Dad who isn't missing part of himself. Please. Please, let yourself be happy. It doesn't have to come at someone else's expense. It won't. I know it."

(Stahn → Judas) ^[LGE03-3]

"Heh... No, I guess I was just surprised that I could still be somebody's first at my age."

"Shut up..."

(Judas → Stahn) ^[LGE03-4]

"There's so many ways everything could have gone. I'm sure there's other worlds, other times out there. One where it all works out and you save me. But this isn't it, either. And I'm sorry, for making it so difficult."

(Judas → Stahn) ^[LGE03-5]

"I—Aren't I too old for you now? The me you knew was three years your junior. I have eleven years over you now."

"Hmm... Your hair has changed, your clothes have changed... Your eyes have changed. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you grow. But you're always going to be you to me, whether you're Leon or Judas or Emilio or someone else. You can change as much as you want. I could turn around and find you wrinkled and gray next and I'd still ask for your hand."

(Kyle → Judas) ^[LGE03-6]

"The way you look at Dad is the same way he looks when he's talking about Leon."

(Kyle) ^[LGE03-7]

I expected Mom and Dad to be at least kind of close. Dad says they're good friends, but he seems like he's not really here sometimes.

(Kyle) ^[LGE03-8]

I'm grateful that I got to meet my Dad. I am. He seems like such a great guy, and I wish I could have known him growing up.

But at the same time, I know I met him during one of the most difficult parts of his life.

He was fine most of the time, but sometimes he'd get quiet. Everyone else seemed to recognize it and tried to give him space or distract him.

I heard that we have similar sleeping habits, but he didn't seem to sleep well most nights. He'd toss and turn, unable to rest. Sometimes he'd sigh on his side, mumbling a name that the others only whisper about.

"It's not only for everyone alive right now, but for Leon, too," he'd say to bolster himself.

I'm glad I got to meet my Dad, but I wish I got to meet him when he was complete.

(Stahn → Judas) ^[LGE03-9]

"Ask me to leave her for you," said so guiltily.

If I had Art Commissioning Money, I'd like to see 37 year old Stahn with Judas doing the "You're as beautiful as the day I lost you" thing from How to Train Your Dragon 3...

Depending on how things go, they each go through their own phases of fixation on each-other's heartbeats.

Even before they're together, there's times Stahn will look for an excuse to put his hand over Leon's heart and just feel it. It increases the tension between them, but it also brings a great calm over Stahn.

Or so many years later, Judas will try to be covert about it, hugging him from behind and pressing his ear to Stahn's back. It's harder to hear from there, but it's enough. Stahn gets it eventually, and starts to narrate what he's thinking about to make it beat the way it is while taking one of Judas's hands to press over the front of his heart.

(Stahn → Judas)

"You're still my Leon. My Emilio. My Judas. Hehe, I must be so lucky, to have so many lovers."

(Judas → Stahn) (For contrast...)

"I'm not going back with you."

"Leon—"

"'Judas'! How many times must I repeat myself?! I am not the worthless 'Emilio', I am not the pawn 'Leon'. I am the traitor, Judas, and I will live accordingly."

"...You're my best friend."

"..."

(An extension of Revenant combined with the bit about a drinking contest.)

Don't know how or why, but Stahn ends up drinking a bit at the tavern one night. He invites Judas to join him, and recounts the time he made himself sick trying to match Stahn. Judas, full of confidence, asks if he'd like a rematch. They settled in town pretty early today, so there's plenty of time to sleep it off before they set out tomorrow. Stahn accepts, expecting to see a cute repeat of last time.

It very much does not go that way. More than once, he has to ask if they're even drinking the same thing. The only reaction Judas has throughout all of it is cringing at the taste. He's still entirely unaffected by the time Stahn's passed out on the table.

It feels good to win something like that for once. But with Stahn too unconscious to gloat over, it's a short-lived sense of victory. He did cheat, after all. He's not sure if it's a pro or con of his condition that he can't become inebriated. ^[LGE03-10]

Judas nearly ODing on caffeine or other things to keep himself awake. The nightmares are too much sometimes.

Judas whisking Marian away before the masquerade in Proust. Having her say goodbye to Leon in the middle of the night.

"I'm going away for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be back, and I won't be able to write, but I'll be with a trusted friend. I'll be safe, no matter what anyone says. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I want you to make a friend before I come back, alright?"

It doesn't work so well in writing since you need dreaded explanations for it, but... well after the fact, Judas holding a shirt he stole from past!Stahn. Denying to himself that he had any reason for it—that he just felt like it. Or maybe he just wanted to play a prank on him... even if that's out of character for him.

Dissociating just a bit, laying down to sleep with it still in his arms. It still smells like him. Both relaxing and painful. Lulling him easily to sleep, to dreams of things being as they should. Of it just being another night of shared inn beds that he'd taken for granted, feeling the security of his back being guarded by radiating warmth. Of waking up with tangled limbs and carefully escaping before either of them could think it meant something.

Waking with tear-crusted cheeks, cold and alone, hugging the shirt close. Jerking away from it and refusing to think about it.

Meaning to get rid of it. It's just an old, used shirt, and it obviously won't even fit him. What use does he have for it?

Yet it remains at the bottom of his bag, hidden away. Taken out for harder nights when he can't sleep. It smells more like him than Stahn eventually, and stops helping as much. Asking himself what the hell he's doing. Getting frustrated enough to bury his face in it, until it really is all gone, just like its owner.

"I miss you" won't cross his lips, and he won't admit how much he feels it.

(Loni?) ^[LGE03-11]

If I had to describe Judas in one word besides 'difficult', it would be 'lonely'.

Even as he smiles at that bizarre sword, even as he leans his head against its hilt, he's... lonely.

Incomplete.

It's been a long time, but when I think back on my memories of Stahn, I got the same feeling. He was a lot better at hiding it, though.

Maybe 'hiding' isn't the right word. I don't think there's much he could have hidden if he tried. He was that kind of guy. Chip off the ol' block, Kyle is.

He got used to it. He had the time to get used to it. Dilute it. Blend it with everyone around him until it was almost invisible. But the seared outline was still there if you knew to look for it.

Chapter Text

Leon is a much warmer person than everyone thinks. It was always right there, and I don't know how others can't see it.

It was there when he was on backup, guiding the flow of battle so we didn't get overwhelmed, and teaching us along the way.

It was there when he was guarding the back of the group, making sure nothing could take us by surprise.

It was there when he cleaned and sharpened Chaltier, careful with every inch and nook even though Chaltier couldn't feel any of it.

Yeah, even before the incident in Calvalese, he was warm. It must have been there when he watched over me to make sure I'd wake up, too.

It was even there when he cooked. There was nothing hearty about what he made, but he cooked with precision, and seemed happy if someone said it was good, even if he brushed it off and said it was 'just the most practical for nutrition' or whatever.

He even seemed to kind of hope for warmth in return when he turned an offer down, waiting to see if we'd give up. It wasn't really a nice thing to do, but it felt like calling out.

It was there even when I wasn't able to see it, when I fell down with Rutee. He was so worried for us that he worked Philia and Mary double to make sure they got back to us before anything could happen. I'm sure they both saw it that day.

It was there when he handed Chaltier over to Johnny to let him carry out what he needed to.

It was there when he went against the King's orders, because we asked him to, and because he knew it was the right thing to do.

It was there when he accepted Rutee's help, as if he'd wanted to for a long time.

It was there when I said I wouldn't be staying to become a knight. He'd never say it, but he was disappointed.

It was there when we said goodbye, when he folded so quickly under being told how precious of a friend he was. If he let himself smile, it probably would have been warm like his hand was, too.

He's a good person. I don't need to believe it. It's true.

And that warmth led him to make a lot of bad decisions that go against what he is. I can't imagine how much it hurt.

It was undoubtedly there when he tried to reach out.

Even when he made the worst decision he possibly could have, even though part of it was probably him punishing himself, even with his last words being harsh, even with my chest feeling like it was icing over, there was warmth in his eyes.

And it felt so cold with him gone.

Even though Rutee has so many different feelings about him, I'm sure she eventually saw it in him looking back.

I could tell just from meeting Marian that she could see that side of him, too.

When we got to sit down and talk for real, I felt a little jealous. She got to see that warmth up close and unguarded for so long. I wonder if I could have felt it closer too one day. With the way she patted my back then, I wonder how much of that warmth he inherited from her. I'm grateful to her for all she must have done.

I could always tell that Leon was a warm person, whether he meant to hide it or not, and I'll always carry what's left of that warmth with me.

[Alternate, unfinished version where Leon survives, replacing from "It was undoubtedly there when he tried to reach out." onward]

And it was undoubtably there in him and his hands as he reached out with both for mine. It was there in his tears that I didn't know he had in him, hidden behind his hair.

It was there in the Draconis afterward when he asked in a quiet voice I'd never heard before, reaffirming that we would do everything we could to help save Marian together. It was there when he believed us.

And it only grew.

And grew. And grew and grew and grew.

It was there when he called Rutee 'Sis' for the first time, and then never stopped.

It was there in both of them whenever we needed to fly, and Rutee would seek him out to rub his wrist again, and neither ever mentioned he could do it for himself.

It was there when he forgot to 'correct' himself when his words became less formal.

It was there the first time he accepted a dessert after only one offer.

It was there when he'd rush in to defend someone, even if he couldn't deflect the attack in time.

It was there when we finally found Marian. It was overflowing, in words whispered into her shoulder, in the most sincere gratitude I've ever heard, and in how he insisted on making sure she got back home safely.

And it was even stronger after that.

[I lost it after that. Scrapped bit from earlier:]

It was there when he glanced to me in the throne room to see my response to the King. The words I'd meant to say died in my throat and I kept the King waiting as Leon's brief, subtle expression ran me through. Excitement. Fear? I meant to turn the position down, but I felt like I couldn't. So I didn't. Sorry, Lilith. Sorry, Grandpa.

Chapter Text

"𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐝 is way bigger than I imagined." Stahn doesn't notice Leon lowering his book to give him the most incredulous stare. "Or maybe it's just because it's the same landmass as Phandaria. How do you not get lost?"

"What."

Stahn flinches at the sharp tone. "I know there's a lot of signposts, but there's so many dead ends with unwalkable terrain or no path down the cliffsides. I don't know how you don't get turned around all the time."

'...I do.' Leon closes his book and sets it firmly on the table. "No, what was that?"

"What was what?"

"Start from the beginning."

"𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐝 is big?"

"Stop," Leon cringes.

"What??"

"Seinegald? Do you mean Seinegald?"

It's Stahn's turn to cringe. "..Huh??"

"Is everyone from Lienea illiterate, or is it just you?"

"What are you doing to the 𝐞𝐢? Why are you doing that?"

"I'm pronouncing it correctly. Apparently nobody ever taught you how—"

"No, it's 𝐞𝐢!"

"No, it's ei."

Stahn glares. "Feisty, height, heimlich, gesundheit!"

Leon glares right back. "Eight, rein, vein, beige, feign, weight, heinous. Need I go on?"

Stahn narrows his eyes. "Say 𝐍𝐞𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐝𝐭."

"𝑁𝑒𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑑𝑡."

"Wrong! It's 𝐍𝐞𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐝𝐭!"

"That's what I said."

"No, you forgot the second 𝐞! And where's the /ʃ/!"

"What?"

"E! N-E-U-E! I know I don't know a lot of words, but I can spell just fine!"

"Nobody says it like that here."

"Nobody says 𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐝 like Seinegald in Fitzgald!"

"Then I guess we're equally wrong!"

"Ughh... Nobody in Phandaria had this problem. They know how to pronounce 𝐞𝐢. Haven't been there yet, but I'm sure 𝐇𝐞𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐠 is great!"

"That's in Phandaria, not here!"

"So 𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐝 is the odd one out!"

"It doesn't matter if we're the odd one out, we're still pronounced Seinegald!"

Rutee finally lowers her hand from where she was about to knock on the door. She walks away, shaking her head. "Heir, receive, forfeit..."

Chapter Text

It was only a matter of time before Leon's sharp tongue got him decked.

He wasn't expecting the person he was arguing with to be an experienced brawler. In the safety of town, he had no reason to keep Chaltier unsheathed, and his own hand-to-hand skills were too rusted to let him dodge more than the first few punches before one connected hard with his jaw, sending him stumbling. Whoever it was, at least they had the grace to stalk off after dealing their justice. They were long gone by the time the commotion caught Stahn's attention.

Catching sight of Leon dazed and hunched over with a hand covering his face, Stahn abandons his errand to come to his aid. "Leon! What happened? Are you okay?!" He hovers one arm around Leon's shoulders as if to shield him from anything else that might be coming.

Leon coughs, trying to blink the stars out of his eyes. He shifts his jaw back and forth to check the damage, then runs his tongue over his teeth to make sure they're all accounted for. He tastes copper, but everything else seems to be fine. He straightens his posture and clothes. "It's nothing."

Stahn's eyes widen and suddenly Leon's head is being tilted back. "It's not nothing, you're bleeding!" With one hand keeping Leon's head still, he digs around in a pocket for a handkerchief.

Leon shoves Stahn's arm away before the cloth can come near his face. "I'm fine! I don't need—"

"Don't be stubborn! Come on!" Stahn grabs his wrist in an uncompromising grip, dragging him back to their inn room to sit him in front of the wash basin.

"You're over-reacting. It's just a split lip, and I can take care of it myself."

Stahn dips the cloth in the basin and goes right back to tilting Leon's head around. "If you could see it yourself, you wouldn't say it's nothing. Now stop talking so I can see," Stahn uses his thumb to pull Leon's lower lip down to check the inside.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

He's almost shoved away again, but intercepts the waving arms with the one still holding the cloth. It becomes something of a wrestling match until parts of Leon are all awkwardly angled and pinned off-balance against the chair, the table, and the wall in such a way that he'd likely find himself tumbling to the floor if he moves. With only one hand to work with, Stahn determinedly cleans the swelling and bleeding lip. "Would have thought you'd be worried about dripping blood on your shirt," Stahn strains. "You had it all down your chin!"

"An' I woulh 've 'aken care o' i'," Leon slurs from the cloth in his mouth. "Le' 'o!!"

Stahn huffs. "Quit being so difficult! We'd be done already if you'd just work with me!"

"Are you two alright...?" The door creaks open and they both turn to look at Philia, whose face now very nicely contrasts her hair. "Oh! Um... Excuse me!" She backs out of the room and shuts the door, and her hurried footsteps can be heard retreating down the hall.

Leon slumps, feeling like a war has been lost. There's no point in fighting anymore. The worst has already happened.

Stahn takes advantage of his sudden complacency and dabs more carefully. "It's not that bad to just accept help, you know."

"You're digging around inside my mouth. Do you realize how undignified this is?" Leon spits back with the last bits of venom he can muster.

"I'm cleaning a busted lip for an injured friend," Stahn 'corrects' him. "Wouldn't it be more embarrassing to walk around looking like you're spewing blood?"

A frustrated sigh is the most Leon can respond with, resigning himself to averting his gaze as far away as he can.

The cloth finally comes away without more blood and the split looks about as good as it's going to get. Stahn pauses, gently running his thumb over Leon's bottom lip. Even swollen, it's so soft. It's kind of amazing how Leon still managed to look good even with a bloody lip.

"Would you just hurry up and get it over with?"

Flustered at the feeling of both of Leon's lips brushing over his thumb with each word, Stahn backs away. It just hit him that, yes, he has basically had his fingers in Leon's mouth for the last few minutes. "Ah, I forgot the medicine." Grabbing for the small container, he scoops out a little more than necessary and quickly applies it, trying not to linger.

Leon inhales sharply and jerks away at what feels like liquid fire spreading over the cut. "Whatever, are you satisfied now? Can we stop this?" He coughs, "This tastes—Ugh..."

"Yep, all done!" Stahn turns away, hoping he wasn't making a weird face. He fiddles with the basin. "Just need to clean up."

Leon stands up to leave, but pauses at the door. "That was your handkerchief, wasn't it?"

"Uhh, yeah. But don't worry about it."

"...Thanks," is quietly left before Leon shuts the door behind him.

Stahn turns the damp cloth over in his hands a few times. It has spots of Leon's blood all over it.

He drops the cloth in the basin to be dealt with along with laundry later that evening, and tries not to think about it.

Chapter Text

The initial relief of hearing Stahn from the sword. Not thinking, just holding it close and pressing his forehead to the core.

Stahn almost confessing while he's still a sword, and Leon trying to keep him from saying it because—they can't do this now, not when he can't even hold him.

Leon sleeping and holding the sword close, protectively. Stahn laments that they didn't get to be like this much before. Leon was always holding himself back, and it never felt right to force it even if he clearly would have liked to nap together. But Stahn can't sleep now. Stahn can't feel now. He wishes he could feel how warm it might be in Leon's arms, but the sentiment itself is also plenty warm.

(If they were already together before their paths diverged)

Leon giving a kiss to the core of the sword, and Stahn feeling awkward because he can't really do anything for Leon like this. Leon says it's okay, he just felt like it.

They talk about how they never actually ended things before they parted. Leon says he's been too busy to entertain any suitors, and Stahn talks about a girl in the village he was guard at. She seemed really sincere about her feelings for him, but it didn't feel right to accept them when he didn't know where he stood with Leon anymore. It would have felt like he was betraying him.

Leon says he doesn't want to be apart anymore. He respects what Stahn was doing in the small village, but it's been razed and his reputation there has been tarnished beyond salvaging. When they get Stahn back to normal, he wants Stahn to come work with him. Get the hands-on experience he'd need to fulfill his old dreams, rise up the ranks, and stand side-by-side one day. Like they were always supposed to. He admits that part of that dream of becoming a knight had always involved Stahn beside him. ^[LGE04-1]

Chapter Text

Stahn learns from Marian that Leon taught her how to ballroom dance when he was younger. Stahn says he's always wanted to learn, since it seemed like such a gentlemanly skill. Stahn turns to Leon to ask to teach him too, and Leon claims it's been too long since he's had to; he doesn't remember enough to teach. So Stahn turns back to Marian to ask her to teach him. Before she can answer, Leon cuts in and drags him away, saying he'll teach him if he'll just stop bothering Marian.

He only agreed without thinking, (if before Libra IV, it's because he didn't want anyone touching Marian. If after (survival route), it's because he didn't want Stahn and Marian to spend time alone where they would probably be talking about him) but now he has to follow through.

Leon first tries to teach from a distance, just demonstrating the movements, but Stahn crinkles his nose and says it's hard to get a feel for it without an actual partner. Leon hesitates, but concedes.

But then there's the issue of leading. Leon really doesn't want to teach from the follower's place, but it's not like Stahn would ever need to know how to follow.

"I don't mind. It might be easier anyway, since we've all been following your lead in battle for a while."

"Dancing and fighting are nothing alike..."

"Aren't they? You kinda look like you're dancing sometimes."

"Wh—Fine, I'll lead."

Arm placement is less awkward than he thought it would be; the height difference between them is even a little less than it had been between him and Marian back when he taught her. 

"Oh, wow... you weren't kidding, this is really close..." Stahn mumbles and flushes slightly once they're in the starting position. Not entirely sure whose pulse he's feeling spike in their hands.

"You can quit at any time."

"No, no, I'm fine..."

They go step by step through a basic routine. Leon scolds Stahn for looking down at their feet.

After one too many times, Leon stops them and grabs Stahn's chin to force him to make eye contact. "Eyes up. You're less likely to misstep if you actually watch your partner. Trust me."

Stahn is a little dazed by the contact, but brought back down by the last two words. Yeah. He can do that.

They put the steps together, and Stahn's actually pretty good at it. He stumbles at a few points, not stepping far enough, but he quickly adjusts and keeps pace better than any of the girls in Leon's old class had. They reset the record. The goal is to complete three turns around the room without a mistake.

The first successful turn has Stahn grinning triumphantly, and Leon can't help but smile a little at that.

The second passes and it feels like they've entered a trance, with Stahn following each movement easily.

The third... passes, and they keep going, lost in the dance until the record runs out and the music stops.

Leon breaks eye contact first, suddenly aware of how little space there is between them, now without reason. He clears his throat and steps back. "You picked it up quickly. I'm surprised."

"I'm not," Stahn responds easily. "Like I said, I'm already used to following your lead. And we're already in sync in battle, aren't we? It doesn't feel that different. Besides, you're a good teacher."

"They're completely different..." Leon still disagrees, but takes the compliment.

"There's other ways to do this kind of dance, too, right? I want to try them sometime! Wasn't this fun? Will you teach me again? Ah, you look tired..."

Leon doesn't know if he'll survive another dance like that.

Chapter Text

"I feel kinda stressed lately and I don't know why."

Mary's polishing something with Rutee lounging in her lap. Rutee scoffs. "Well, we're tracking down a lunatic who's got a world-ending artifact, and we are technically prisoners. With shock collars strapped to us, ready to be set off at Young Master's every whim."

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood today," Leon grumps from across the campfire.

Stahn tilts his head this way and that. "Hmm... Nah, it's not that. That doesn't bother me."

"Dunno how," Rutee mutters.

Stahn stares at the two of them. "Hmmm..... Hmmmmmmm....."

Mary nudges Rutee to get off so she can put her tools away.

Stahn gets an idea. "Oh! Mary!"

"What's up?"

"Come here for a sec?"

She goes over, Stahn looks bashful, they whisper a bit, and Mary nods. Rutee and Leon watch in curiosity. Mary opens her arms wide, and gets a nice big bear hug. She laughs and rubs Stahn's head.

"Well aren't you two are hitting it off well..." Rutee sticks her tongue out.

Leon sneers. "Could you at least go somewhere private before assaulting my eyes with this?"

"There you go," Mary ignores them, patting Stahn's back.

Stahn lets go and steps back, a big grin on his face. "Ahhh, I feel so much better now... I think I really needed that! Thanks, Mary!"

"Anytime!" Mary sits back beside Rutee, and Stahn lays down to sleep.

"The heck was that about? Were you two flirting?" Rutee crinkles her nose.

"Hmm? Everyone needs a hug sometimes, don't they? It's good for you."

"We only met him like three weeks ago..."

"Come on, would you deny a kid asking you for a hug?"

"Depends. How much is their face leaking?"

Mary laughs and pulls her into a side-hug. "You have to have noticed by now. Don't you get calm like this?"

"I guess. Yeah." Thinking back to before they met, and even just a little after, Rutee realizes it's true. "Yeah, stuff does feel a little lighter." Even at the orphanage, when seeing all of the problems she was trying to solve right in front of her, they seemed a little more doable when one of the kids would cling to her side. She looks across the campfire to Leon, who still looks as moody as ever as he prepares his bedroll. "Maybe that's why someone's such a sourpuss all the time."

"Mind your own business," Leon growls in response, inconspicuously holding the corner closest to the fire a little higher.

Rutee wraps her arms around Mary's torso and snuggles dramatically into her side. "I can't have Stahn taking my stress relief, so how about you go play nice with him for once? He's desperate enough to ask some strange girls he just met for hugs, and you might actually be tolerable once you learn the wonders of skinship." A brief, low-voltage zap shocks her off of Mary. "Bitter brat..."

Leon quickly settles in, back turned to the rest.

"Hmm... I wonder if they have a point," Chaltier whispers from where he's hidden in the further side of the roll.

"Don't you start on me, too."

"Ahh, no. I just mean... Well, I didn't get the chance to bond much when I was human, but... Dymlos and Atwight really mellowed out a lot after they got together."

"I wouldn't call either of them 'mellow'."

"Trust me, they are. In comparison. Even as we are now, when we can't really..."

Leon is quiet for a moment. He knows there's some truth to everyone's argument; it's been a long time since Marian last held him, but he remembers it being calming. He thought it was just because it was her, but if it works even between Stahn and Mary, maybe it really is one of those things that's just innate to humans after all. Curiously, he reaches out to touch Chal's sheath. "You said you don't have a sense of touch, but..." He never thought about it, but he supposes he got something like the same feeling from Chal, even if his body was nothing but metals. "Is that kind of thing calming for you, too?"

"Eh? Hmm... Yeah. It's weird to think about. So many things that are supposed to be tied directly to brain chemicals still work like this."

Leon pulls Chal in, throwing his arm over the sheath and closing his eyes. "Then don't think about it."

Chal chuckles. "Good night, Young Master."

"Good night, Chal."

All too often, Chaltier wishes he could offer a proper hug or a shoulder to lean on. He wonders if he could have made Leon's life a little easier to take on that way. But there's nothing to be gained from that train of thought. He is what he is, as he agreed to be all those years ago, and he wouldn't be here otherwise. And he's glad to be here.

Chapter Text

What little conversation they had winds down as the flames in the hearth dwindle. Stahn swirls what's left of his now lukewarm drink while Leon stares silently at his.

"We haven't really talked about the hard stuff yet, have we?" Stahn broaches, pulse quickening at the thought of having to go over everything that Leon missed in his absence—that their destination may only be a temporary one.

Leon tenses as well, not exactly thrilled to leave the relatively uncomplicated bliss of their reunion and meet back up with reality. "It can wait."

"It shouldn't." Stahn sets his mug down and curls over his knee. "I haven't told you the whole story, and it's actually... probably important to talk about it sooner."

That's worrying. They hadn't spoken much of what led to either of them being where they were, and their days on the road have been toward somewhere Stahn only called 'home'. He nods and turns to face Stahn to indicate he's listening.

"Where to start..." Stahn stalls with a half-hearted chuckle. "Uhm... I have a kid now?"

Leon's hands falter and he hurries to set his drink down before he can spill more of it. Of all the things Stahn could have said—of all the things to start with—that certainly wasn't what he was expecting. "A—a child?"

"Yeah. A son. We named him Kyle. I wasn't keeping track of how long I've been out here, but I think he was four when I left...?" Stahn's face becomes fond and wistful as he recalls the little face grinning up at him. "I wonder how he's doing?"

Something twinges in Leon's chest at the word 'we'. He swallows hard and turns back to the hearth. "Congratulations," he offers quietly, awkwardly. He supposes it makes sense. Stahn did speak fondly of his family all those years ago. Of course he'd want to build upon it, as most people do, and time didn't stop while Leon was gone. He already knew from watching Stahn with children before that he was good with them. His endlessly supportive nature would lend itself well to fatherhood, but the restlessness that had led to them meeting in the first place—and again now—probably wouldn't. He wonders how his new family must have reacted to it. "And... his mother...?"

Stahn cringes a bit, but his smile doesn't go away or become forced. "Ah, well... I guess Rutee and I are married."

"'You guess'? What's that supposed to mean? Either you're married or you're not," Leon snaps, then bites his cheek to shut himself up. It stung, for some reason, to hear Rutee's name. He's not sure what name he might have been expecting—Philia, a name he doesn't recognize, or even a correction that he'd just taken in an orphan—but Rutee was the last one he would have guessed.

As Stahn visibly searches for the way to elaborate, Leon recognizes jealousy in himself. His sister got to continue her life, by Stahn's side, for all these years. Likewise, Stahn got to live closely with his sister, who he'd pushed away. He scowls as the difficult expression on Stahn's face paints an equally difficult picture. If it's not a cut and dry answer, someone got hurt, and he's not sure who to be angry at.

"Well... I don't think.. we should have...? I don't know if we still are... ughhh..." Stahn's face screws up in frustration. "I liked living with her. We stayed in Lienea for a while after traveling, and it was probably the most calm that life had ever felt." Besides twenty minutes ago, maybe. "We went to her hometown next and she asked me to stay with her forever. It sounded great. But that's what people do, isn't it? They get married to the person they want to stay with. So when she asked me, I said yes." He shifts uncomfortably. It's the first time he's ever tried to put these feelings to words, and doing so kind of makes him feel dirty. "I guess her feelings changed and mine didn't, and I just... didn't say anything since we were happy anyway. I didn't dislike being her husband, and I don't regret having Kyle together at all, but..."

As it becomes clear that Stahn is thinking more about how to continue, Leon remembers to breathe. That's... a lot to parse. Is he supposed to be angry at Rutee for taking a relationship where Stahn didn't want it to go? Is he supposed to be angry at Stahn for leading his sister on and then abandoning her?

"I guess I realized it when I decided to look for you. She got really angry. I don't blame her—I'd probably be mad at me, too. I was so sure that she'd be fine, since she handled so much more and so much worse before we even met, but she kinda... told me not to come back, if I left...?" He remembers the adrenaline coursing through him that day, that moment. He had already packed before he told Rutee he planned to go. He remembers feeling like he paused in shock to consider the ultimatum, but his legs had carried him out the door for the journey he'd already been decided on. He thinks of what they might be doing now. How many birthdays he missed, how many more of Kyle's firsts he missed, and if Rutee is powering through as well as he'd thought she would. He turns his head to look at Leon for the first time since he started explaining, sees his troubled face, and reaches across the floor to rub his hand. Feeling Leon's skin, his pulse, and meeting his eyes, he doesn't regret his choice at all. "So I guess I don't have a place with Rutee anymore."

Leon stills, frozen under Stahn's gaze and the tender touch. He wants to be angry for Rutee, and he is, because he's fine and he's not worth making her upset and disrupting her life, but... "Then why are you smiling?"

Stahn bites his lip as guilt floods him. "I feel a little relieved? I shouldn't. I didn't hate being with her, and I still love her, without question, but when I think about her saying that to me, the first thing I feel now is 'Thank goodness, we can just be friends again'. I still want to be a part of her life. Of Kyle's life. She's still one of my dearest friends, and Kyle is still my son."

And Stahn threw that all away for him. Leon retracts his hand, bringing it up between his chest and knee where it won't feel like a burning accusation. "I'm sorry."

Stahn almost chases his hand but halts, confused. "For what?"

"I tried—" his voice cracks. He swallows and tries again. "I tried so hard not to mess up the family she'd built way back then. I stayed away from her and I lied because I knew I'd just—" He cuts off to breathe, to calm before he gets too carried away. "And I still ended up ruining her family anyway. Your family." And now Stahn is stuck with his choice. Leon turns away, his legs itching to leave. He knows that removing himself won't do anything but waste Stahn's efforts to bring him back, but enjoying the space beside him feels like he's being rewarded for the damage he just keeps causing. It doesn't feel right.

"You didn't," Stahn insists, but Leon is already sinking.

"Where is 'home'? You never said where we're going."

He was second-guessing it earlier, but after putting his thoughts together, Stahn feels more confident with the answer. "Cresta," he says, firmly.

"How is that still 'home'? It sounds like she doesn't want to see either of us." Leon can imagine it now; the two of them on the doorstep of—of whatever home that Rutee and Stahn must have made for themselves. Rutee would look at them both indifferently, and the best they could hope for would be a simple 'get out' and a door shut in their faces. Worst case, she'd tear into him the way he deserves. "Between her parting words to you, and the way I treated her and just... dropped the truth on her..." He still remembers the lost look on her face, shaking back and forth as she told him not to call her his sister. "Even if it was more than unreasonable for you to drop everything to look for a dead man, she must have hated me to go so far as to cast aside the father of her child over it." It didn't exactly feel nice when Rutee clearly held him in distaste while they traveled together, but it was at least what he'd aimed for. He'd wanted to put that distance between them to keep her from hating him for real, or hurting him the way their father had. But she knows him now, and everything he's chosen to do; she's saved the world he helped bring close to destruction, living with the consequences of all of his actions; and now she's raising a child alone because even in death, Leon just can't stop wrecking her life.

Stahn's face hardens, seeing the unspoken storm roiling beneath the surface. Before it can grow any further, he moves across the floor to kneel in front of Leon. "That's not true, and I'm not gonna let you believe it." He takes the hand Leon isn't guarding into both of his, hoping to keep his attention. "I'm not the only one who was missing you all this time. She hardly took the aftermath any better than I did. We both spent a lot of time having to convince each-other that it wasn't our fault. There were nights we laid awake talking about what it'd be like if you were there with us, if you'd like being Kyle's uncle. One of the dreams that stuck with her the most was right after Kyle was born. You woke her up and she was in a hurry to show her new son to you." His own voice falters at the memory. She'd woken up with wet eyes, but said she was happy somehow. "She wanted to show you she wasn't wasting the life that she thought was paid for with yours." His eyes sting as he realizes that they both must feel that way, and he doesn't know how to correct it. That was something Rutee had to overcome on her own, despite his best efforts. "Rutee has trouble being honest," and it was still one of the most difficult things to navigate all the way up to their parting, "but she mourned you just as much as I did, and that she never got to be your family."

[I'm sorry. That's where I lost it.]

Chapter Text

Stahn visits Marian after everything is over. Asks how she's doing, what's going to happen to the estate and everything. Marian observes that he and Rutee have both been checking in with her ever since her rescue, even swinging by when they had the time while still dealing with the whole Aethersphere thing. He says they've wanted to make sure she was always doing well, since her well-being was Leon's only wish. Tells her they've always got her back, if anything bad happens or if she can't stay at the manor anymore. Marian smiles and tells him that Rutee said the same thing, offering for her to come live in Cresta. But she's fine where she is for now.

They talk about Leon. Marian recalls the few fond moments of Leon's childhood, Stahn tells her about their time traveling together. Stahn quietly asks that there wasn't really a lot of good times for Leon, was there. Marian shakes her head with a bitter smile. She opens up and talks about how difficult it was to try and steer him right through it all. Maybe she wasn't able to be what he needed. Stahn tells her about Leon's final moments, and how his heart broke to see him all alone.

Marian lays a hand on his shoulder, telling him not to blame himself. They've both already gone over countless 'what if''s and 'if only''s wondering if they did all they could, but it's no one's fault. She doesn't mention how many times she's wondered what the world would be like if she'd succeeded that day. Stahn nods, but he's already begun crying. She hugs him, and he clings to her arms. He stands up and hugs her fully, both comforting each-other as grief takes hold.

"I loved him," Stahn realizes, sobbing into Marian's shoulder. "I... I loved him."

"I know," Marian soothes, "and I'm sure he knew, too, in the end."

Chapter Text

"Stahn. Go ahead back to the inn first."

"Why?"

Avoiding his gaze and instead looking at Stahn's hand still on his shoulder, Judas's voice is stiff and he fights for it to not sound clipped. "I want to talk to Rutee alone." So as not to worry Stahn, he adds, "we have a bit of catching up to do."

Stahn glances between the tense two, looking like he might stay to try to play mediator, but eventually takes his word for it. He nods with a smile, and his hand trails and lingers down Judas's arm as he turns for the door. A slight tinge of pink is visible on his face before he steps away. "Alright, Leon. I'll be waiting. See you, Rutee! It was nice to finally see your home!"

"Ru— Sis— ...." He gives up, nails digging into his arms as he crosses them to try to ground himself. "I—"

"I know." Her voice wavers bitterly but not unkindly. "Trust me, I know."

"I'm sorry," Judas all but sobs, hanging his head. "I'm so sorry. I didn't do anything—"

He can feel her hands on his shoulders. It's the closest thing to forgiveness he's going to get. "You didn't have to. It was in him all along." She turns his face upward to look her in the eye. She tries to smile reassuringly, but there's a decade of exhaustion behind it. "It's okay. The man I married died years ago; I already came to terms with that." She searches his eyes for something, and whatever she finds adds sincerity to her smile. "But the one you fell in love with seems to have just scraped by, huh?"

He wants nothing more than to hug her then, but it's more than he can ask for when he's already taken so much from her. "I'm sorry," he apologizes again, only hurting her more.

"Just tell him this time, okay? Hey, c'mon," she wraps an arm around his back, giving him so much more than he deserves. "You can't go back to him looking like a wretch. He'll think I bullied you." She wipes his face with her sleeve and he feels like he never grew up. "What's the point of a second chance if you're not gonna be happy? The only way I'll be okay with this is if you're both smiling." 'Someone deserves to,' his mind fills in with her voice.

Even with her explicit blessing, he's not sure how he'll be able to look at Stahn and not think of the family he's missing from.

Later that night after he's run out of apologies, he's surprised to find Stahn still awake and waiting, like he said he'd be.

"How'd it go?" Stahn initially greets him with the same grin as he used to, but Judas must not have ducked his head low enough to hide his reddened eyes. "What happened? Did you have a fight?"

"No, we just... got a lot off our chests. We're fine." Or so she said, and so he hopes. "It's nothing you need to worry about." Judas removes his cape, but doesn't bother changing, just heading for the bed.

Stahn stops him before he lays down. "Hey, you know I'm here, right? I know we haven't really talked about heavier stuff before, but I'm open."

Judas bites his lip and nods. "Get to sleep. We'll have to leave early from here on if you want to get back to Lienea quickly."

Stahn lets him go, and they both lay in the cramped bed as soon as the candle is out. "Good night, Leon."

"...Good night."

Chapter Text

The final pass of the comb pulls smoothly through Leon's hair. He lets out a small, relaxed sigh as Stahn's fingers then run through it.

He flinches a little and opens his eyes when a kiss is given to his lips without warning. Stahn smiles cheekily and softly bumps their foreheads together. Leon huffs and pushes back.

Stahn's hair is still a mess from drying it. Leon's was a fairly quick task for its length, only drawn out by Stahn seemingly not wanting the moment to end yet. He suspects that part of the reason Stahn insisted on combing his hair was to coax him into returning the favor.

He rolls his eyes and reaches for the comb in Stahn's hand. Stahn, already visibly happy that the offer was made, quickly exchanges it for a brush. After Leon takes it, Stahn turns around to let him work.

He's not quite sure where to start. Even though he spent so much time with Marian, who kept her own hair about as long, he can't say he's familiar with any of the steps of caring for it.

He stalls. "How long does this usually take you?"

Stahn tilts his head back, thinking. "Depends on how long it's been since I brushed it last. Doesn't take long if I'm good about it. Uh, and if we weren't fighting much, and it wasn't windy, and if I pulled it back, and..."

Leon tunes him out as the list goes on. He looks at the long strands, trying to gauge how bad the tangles are. He's never given the back of Stahn's hair a good look before, now that he thinks about it. He's not sure how bad it is now compared to other nights before settling in. He knows the front is always a monster, whether there's knots or not. A lot of it seems to be from humidity, giving it a less than flattering sort of volume. When it was still wet and mostly limp earlier, he had to admit to himself that Stahn actually looked handsome. He wonders what he'd look like with it consistently tamed or neatly styled.

"...and a braid helps, but the sheep don't like it much, so I don't really bother with them," Stahn laughs, then turns his head to look at Leon. "Today was pretty uneventful, and I've been able to brush it more often since we got the Draconis, so it shouldn't be too bad." He turns back around, bouncing a bit. "You'll be careful with it?"

Leon hums affirmatively, but still isn't sure where to begin, and Stahn didn't exactly give instructions. He hovers the brush over the back of Stahn's head, tracing down a section with visible tangles with his other hand. Besides not causing pain, he'd like to avoid damaging it. From undoing standard laces, logic leads him downward. "From the bottom, right?"

"Yeah. Do it in sections."

Leon nods, though Stahn can't see it, and starts on the left side. He grips above where he'll brush with his right hand to avoid tugging, and the first stroke makes a nasty sound that has Stahn audibly cringing, so he eases down further to truly start at the ends. He briefly wonders what Stahn's reaction would be if he monumentally messed this up and it all needed to be cut off. Nobody keeps their hair this long without attachment to it. It's only hair, but every inch of it represents the time it took to grow. "When did you start growing it out?" he asks before he can think.

"It's always been kinda long since it's easiest to cut it from a ponytail," he tilts his head back again, "but I guess I started letting it grow past mid-back around thirteen?"

"Hold still," Leon scolds. "And you really only did it for the sheep?"

"It's not a problem, and they like it, so why not?"

Leon crinkles his nose at the brushed-out ends that even he can tell are damaged. He supposes the color is closer to that of hay than not. "They wouldn't happen to like the taste of it, would they?"

"They play with it."

"They chew on it."

"Only sometimes!"

"It can't be good for them to eat hair. You shouldn't let them."

"They don't eat it! They just nibble the ends a bit while I'm working. Sometimes."

"So they cut it for you."

"No! Well. Kinda. I guess. It never seemed to grow past a certain point while I was at home, but it's gotten longer lately..."

"Then they're eating it. Stop letting them eat it. It looks dreadful." Leon eyes the pair of scissors conveniently set out on the counter. The knots seem to keep catching most stubbornly at the ends. Without second-guessing, he takes the scissors and snips away at the haggard ends.

"Hey!! What are you doing—" Stahn turns around sharply, but his hair is long enough that it doesn't pull from Leon's hands.

"Just an inch or two," Leon finishes and holds the freshly cut ends up. "It looks better, and it should be easier to brush now, too."

Stahn glares and pouts at him, turning back around. Leon works through another section of hair with far less trouble. "...Does it really look better?"

Smoothing out the already brushed sections, Leon gives it a more deliberate look. Now, while it's still a little damp and before it's had time to flare out, it does look nice. He runs his right hand through it, noting that it's actually pleasantly soft—somehow softer than his own usually is after a longer mission without easy access to oils like were stocked back at the manor. He ponders the apparent naturally-good-hair genes while continuing to card through the soft tresses, and almost misses Stahn's shiver. He jerks back and returns to detangling. "It does."

"Does it look good?" The words sound a little anxious.

Is Stahn fishing for a compliment? Leon almost scoffs, but instead he pauses. He's used to receiving compliments on his looks, to the point he started ignoring most of them a long time ago. It was only recently that he started reacting to them again, whenever Stahn would make a passing comment. He can't recall hearing anything like that addressed to Stahn, or a time he'd said any aloud to him.

Thinking of him now, even with his hair normally a mess of flyaways and his... unique fashion sense, he thinks, of course Stahn looks good. If anything, he's almost an ideal. Bright blue eyes, long golden hair, strong-but-not-too-strong jawline, a physique that modern armor's wasp shape seemed crafted after.

Stahn is handsome. Good-looking.

Watching the light shine off of Stahn's hair, he thinks it's also pretty.

Leon unconsciously lifts the lock up to his lips, laying a quiet kiss to it. His mouth feels a bit dry when he finally repeats, "it does."

Stahn ducks down into his shoulders a bit with a happy little hum.

With the last of the back detangled, a thought comes to him. "You said it's for the sheep, but do you like it?"

Still soaking in the minor praise, it takes Stahn a moment to respond. "I think so, yeah. Can wrap it around my neck like a muffler when it's cold. Feels kinda cool when it swishes around, too."

"If I told you I'd like it better short, would you cut it?"

Stahn straightens his posture and slowly turns to look over his shoulder with apprehension across his face. For moment, it looks like he'll quietly ask, 'would you really like it better?', but he swallows, turns the whole way around and instead asks, "if I told you I'd like yours better long, would you grow it out?"

Leon's eyes widen in surprise. It was only a hypothetical question, but he supposes it's only fair to have it turned on him. He thinks about it, flushing. He wonders how long 'long' is to Stahn in this instance. To his shoulders? As long as Stahn's? He doesn't think he could stomach looking in the mirror around the mid-back point. "I could try it, a bit."

Looking just as surprised, Stahn lifts a hand to scratch nervously at his neck. "Me, too. It'd take a while, but it'd grow back if I didn't like it." Silence hangs awkwardly between them for a few long moments until Stahn mumbles, "It's already short in the front, though, so it's kinda already a compromise, isn't it?"

Leon shakes his head in exaggerated exasperation. "Forget about it. I like it the way it is now anyway."

Stahn reaches out to take a strand of Leon's hair between his fingers, playing with it. "Same." There's a delay before his cheeks color at the more direct compliment. "Ah... so, you really like my hair...?"

Remembering he had yet to brush the front and sides, and Stahn is conveniently facing the correct direction again, Leon resumes the task, brushing Stahn's fringe down further over his eyes. Stahn pouts, but relaxes under the brush. "Do you want me to wax poetic about your hair? I just told you I li—I don't hate it."

"You said you like it!" Stahn corrects, grinning until he's given a light bonk with the back of the brush. "Ow, come on!"

As obnoxious as he's being about it, he probably deserves to hear it. "Fine." Leon turns Stan's chair to face the mirror, then stands behind him and runs his fingers over and through the strands to arrange them a little more deliberately. It'll surely expand again later, but for now, Stahn's hair remains somewhat subdued and normal. His face is clean yet pleasantly flushed. Despite Stahn being the obvious subject, Stahn watches Leon's face in the mirror, and Leon keeps his gaze straight ahead to avoid eye contact. "I don't know how Stahn Aileron has never heard that he's winsome." A smile spreads, which is quickly hidden as Stahn brings his hands up to cover his burning face. It's just as well, as part of Leon screams frantically for acting on that whim.

"I don't think anyone's told me something like that, except maybe my family when I was younger..." Stahn confirms amidst a mess of shy laughter.

Leon turns away so he doesn't have to see his own embarrassment in the mirror. "Well, now a credible source has. Are you satisfied?"

He finds fingers threading with his, and chances a glance back down to Stahn. One hand is still pressed to his face, but his expression is still on fair display. Leon doesn't think he'll ever forget this picture of Stahn looking bashfully up at him. For a few beats, he swears he can feel his heart against his ribs. "With you? Always."

Chapter Text

Leon introducing Stahn to finer fragrances. They're still on the expensive/inaccessible side at this point in time, and it's not exactly convenient to find and soak the right plants to make simpler ones while traveling, so the half of the party that isn't nobility/royalty probably doesn't use any.

Stahn doesn't notice that Leon wears any until their first cramped inn stay, since Leon keeps his distance otherwise. Stahn tries to make small talk as they settle in for the night, but Leon doesn't offer much response, so it's kind of just Stahn talking to himself a bit. He dozes off mumbling that Leon smells nice. And while, yeah, obviously Leon knows he smells nice, he's aware of how fragrances work and how rare they are right now, but it's still real weird to be hearing that while sleeping beside another man (especially before the petrification incident). He recalls it much later along with the many other things Stahn's done that made him feel 'weird'.

Way later on, either after they've gotten together or while they're in the will-they-won't-they phase, a gift-giving holiday comes about (ehh probably Stahn's birthday to make it simpler), and it's one of the only things to come to mind when trying to think of a gift—that Stahn liked the fragrance he wore. He doesn't know what other ones Stahn might like, so he just gives him the same one.

Stahn laughs and jokingly asks "Are you saying I smell bad?" and Leon gets a little embarrassed that this was the only gift he could think of. He says he could always give it back if he doesn't like it, but Stahn gets surprisingly defensive because it's the first thing Leon's given him. It's his now, no take-backs.

(Leon makes sure he knows how to apply it, fearing Stahn might just dump the whole vial on his head or something. Stahn pouts, saying he normally wears something that Lilith likes making at home out of animal fat and the few aromatic spices that grow in Lienea. He just didn't think to bring any with him either of the times he left home. He knows how to wear it!)

If it's after they get together, it actually messes with Rutee. Up until then, she's been teasing Stahn any time they're standing close enough to catch a whiff. "Ew, you two were canoodling again. I can smell his rich-boy perfume on you." But now that Stahn's actually wearing the same one...

Chapter Text

Stahn still having nightmares about Libra IV going poorly even after everyone gets out alive. Still sometimes having them even after the world is saved.

Waking up to see Leon sleeping beside him, peaceful and breathing and so wonderfully alive. Remembering the last little smile before they fell asleep. Having to stop himself from holding Leon and disturbing his sleep. Maybe Leon wakes up anyway from Stahn's erratic breathing trying to calm himself down.

These nightmares don't happen frequently, but it's often enough that Leon is used to them. The moment he registers Stahn is upset, he lifts an arm in invitation. "I'm here," he soothes as Stahn blankets him. Squeezes him tight, knowing the pressure helps solidify their reality.

Alternatively, Leon still having nightmares about Stahn being gone. He shamelessly snuggles up to Stahn's side since he's not likely to wake up anyway. Counts his heartbeats until he falls back to sleep.

More yet, Leon having nightmares of drowning. He wakes at varying stages of it; sometimes he wakes gasping from holding his breath in his sleep; sometimes he wakes loudly struggling for air with his chest burning; sometimes he wakes violently coughing or ill, trying to clear water from everywhere it shouldn't be; sometimes he wakes peaceful, dazed and confused why he's suddenly warm and dry, like the past years were a brief series of dying dreams that he was fully aware of and waiting to end, and there's a slow, shuddering return to reality.

There's not much Stahn can do when they're loud enough that they wake him up. Though the desire to comfort is appreciated, Leon usually can't stand arms around him after them. He needs to be able to move unimpeded. The most Stahn can do is offer his hands, something to grab on to. Sometimes it helps; Leon pulls on them like he's pulling himself out of the ocean's grasp.

Stahn isn't sure if he should be happy or sad that Leon never thrashes about during those nightmares.

Chapter Text

Judas flinches away from Stahn's touch, then makes sure his clothes are settled just-so.

"...?" Stahn's hand hovers unsurely. "What's wrong?"

He bites his lip and turns away in a fake huff to hide the guilt creeping in. "Now's no time to be getting sentimental. Get to bed. We set off at dawn, and we both know how much extra you tend to sleep." He's caught somewhere awkward between fond teasing and spitting the words out to establish distance. He doesn't know which would be better, but he knows he'll have to commit soon. Still, he tries not to leave room for argument, stalking into the tiny bathroom they'd been afforded and closing the door.

He sets Chal against the wall and waits to hear the creaking of the bed signaling Stahn following his advice. It takes much longer than he's comfortable with, letting him imagine Stahn fighting himself on whether or not to press the issue. The image ends on the expression of a kicked puppy, making his stomach turn.

Once he's sure Stahn's in bed, he lets himself shiver. He opens the window, runs the bath and starts undoing the hooks at the front of his suit with more reluctance than last time.

He remembers he doesn't have to assess it himself. With minor relief, he averts his eyes and finishes pulling his arms free. Leaves, petals and bits of clove fall to the floor from the inner folds of the garment. More fall as he pulls his undershirt off. He'll pick them up later.

"...It's spreading inward now," Chal informs him, quietly. "It might be time to start closing your collar higher."

His shoulder itches. He restrains himself from scratching or looking at it, and tries to ignore how the itch travels down both his side and to his wrist. "I wonder when I'll need gloves..."

"In about a month, probably." He appreciates the harder honesty, even if it hurts. It hurts less than the sympathy that breaks the illusion that this isn't just another inconvenience to deal with. He hears a shuddering, pained intake as he works the suit and rest of his clothes down his legs and turns around. "Your back's worse..."

It feels worse.

He steps into the bath. The water is as cold as it can be, numbing the itch and making him shiver more. A few snowflakes blow in from the window and land in the water. He closes his eyes and begins the careful process of bathing without tearing himself apart.

"You should look around for more of those oils before we leave tomorrow. You're almost out."

He's been cautiously going through fragrance faster ever since meeting back up with Stahn, in addition to stuffing his clothes with as much mint and other strongly scented plants as he could find. He's going to have to figure out how to make his own without drawing attention to it.

He considers spending the night submerged in the bath, but he's already been absent the past two nights, and it's harder to explain away in such close quarters. For all he knows, Stahn could stubbornly lay awake waiting for over half the night.

He still takes his time to finish washing, hands trembling in the cold. He wishes he could have at least one hot bath—if not to make falling asleep easier, then just for a momentary reprieve—but it isn't worth sacrificing more of his time. Stahn hasn't complained about sleeping next to an ice block yet, but he wonders how long it'll be before he notices that much. At least his hands already had a track record for being cold.

Stahn...

There was a line they were clearly working at crossing all those years ago, but they never quite got to it before he finished throwing away the salvation that had been all but gift-wrapped for him. He doesn't really know where they stand anymore, but it also doesn't matter. Whether Stahn is worried for him as a friend or seeking to continue where they left off, he's going to end up hurting him either way. Stahn deserves an explanation, but at the same time, he doesn't deserve to bear this explanation.

He accidentally catches sight of himself in the mirror as he stands from the bath. He wants to look away, but he also feels like punishing himself for pushing Stahn away yet again. Guilt festers under his skin. He wonders if he'll learn to rid himself of it like he did the maggots.

Dark, ugly patches bloom outward from old injuries, more obvious on his pale skin. Sutures are still the only things holding the wounds together, but he wonders if there's even a point; they stopped bleeding a long time ago. He runs his fingers along one that crosses his upper abdomen, careful not to press into the hardened center or nauseatingly soft ring around it. He supposes he's grateful that none of them had gone for his heart or throat back then, but it's still spreading up that way anyway.

The room smells awful. He thoroughly cleans the bath out and dries himself.

When he's done, he gathers everything that fell out of his clothes into a pile. They seem to still be usable for another day or so, so he carefully arranges them against his skin and through his clothes as he dresses. He's less liberal with the fragrant oil than he'd like to be, but Chal is right, and it'd be better to not use enough for a few days and need to rely on an embarrassing lie than be left with neither.

One last look in the mirror shows a patch peeking out to his neckline when it's askew. He fastens one more hook to ensure it stays hidden. "Does it seem to be spreading faster?"

"...I wish I could say 'no'." He cringes. That's the sympathy that makes it worse. A pendulum hangs over his head, keeping time and descending. If his heart hadn't stopped beating 18 years ago, it'd be pounding away at his ribs with the flash of anxiety. "At least it all still works. It does still work, right? You don't seem to have trouble moving."

He rotates his shoulder, and it moves just as well as it did earlier. "Somehow." But who knows when that will change? "Once it reaches my muscle tissue, my arm may very well fall off." He'd just assumed it'd kill him first, so he's not really sure what he'll do if he falls apart.

"Please don't joke like that. It's not funny."

"I wasn't joking." He wonders where the threshold is where he'd be able to joke about it without choking. Wherever it is, it's not now. "I don't think it's reached that deep anywhere yet. How long do you think before it's completely spread across the surface?"

"God, I don't know." Chal's voice is frustrated and bordering on too loud, and he feels bad for asking. It's clear that Chal's hit his limit on how much he can stare this in the face for today. He wants to apologize, but he knows from experience that it'd just make Chal feel worse for being the one to snap. He'll feel bad enough in the morning. 

It's always an awful series of (not exactly) ups and downs between them when they have to acknowledge it; casual or stoic only for as long as they can forget that time is marching forward. Sometimes he wonders which of them is more bothered by his condition. It took him a while to achieve some level of numbness about it, after lashing out far too many times whenever Chal couldn't look anymore. He still feels like he deserves to—he's the one afflicted—but peace is hard to come by, and he would rather try to preserve what he can.

He considers facing the mirror alone from now on—imagines what it'd be like right now if Chal didn't know. He appreciates that he has someone to share the burden with, but he wonders if it might be better as his own secret. As it is, there's not a single piece of his salvaged life that's untouched by this decay.

He wanted to tell Stahn at first. He wanted to be honest and share his troubles, everything he'd been lectured for not doing before when it was already too late. Part of him wanted to see the despair, just to affirm that he was still cared about. But he doesn't need that—not when Stahn standing in front of him at all is proof that he was never forgotten or cherished any less for the time apart; not when their reunion involved so many tears, and he was squeezed so tightly that he couldn't struggle lest he risk tearing some of the softer flesh.

"You're alive," Stahn had sobbed into his hair, and recounted in an excited, nearly incomprehensible mess how far he had traveled, all he had done and how long he'd held on to hope. Joy poured out around it all, and...

He couldn't take that away. Not until it was absolutely necessary.

Once more, he's living out what he knows to be his final days while keeping those he cares for as ignorant as possible. At least this time, it's not the world ending.

He rubs Chal's hilt, both to comfort himself and as a silent gesture to let Chal know he's not upset. He gets a quiet, guilty 'good night' in response and he doesn't want to think about whatever must be going through Chal's mind. Tomorrow morning won't be easy, even if they don't talk about it.

He quietly cracks the door open and watches the lump of Stahn in bed to gauge if he's asleep yet before leaning Chal against the bedside table and carefully getting into bed himself. As always, there's not enough funds to confidently opt for separate rooms or beds. He stays as close to the edge as he comfortably can.

Stahn looks troubled as he sleeps. He doesn't think he's ever seen him not sleep well before, and now he wonders how he slept on the nights following his death. Wonders if there's other worries he's not sharing or if he's really upsetting him that much on his own. Even if he is, it's better this way. He'd rather deal with Stahn being sad about him being distant sometimes than sad about this—not only for Stahn's sake, but for his own selfish want for even a shred of normalcy.

Stahn's eyelids flutter a bit, but he only seems conscious enough to mutter a good night to him before drifting back off. It's a name he'd already thrown away, but it moves something in him anyway that has him feeling like scum for continuing to hurt the person who still calls him his best friend. With all the consequences of his actions, even when he's had good intentions, he wonders if it's just in his nature to hurt people.

Ah well. Rutee did always say he had a rotten personality. And now his body matches.

Chapter Text

Something loud happens a few caverns away, the vibrations traveling through the rocky floor and shaking dust and dirt and weaker stalactites from the ceiling.

There's confusion and panic, but when the first stream of water bursts through the wall, time stops, the wheel of fortune turns, and each paddle reflects reality before him.

All at once, Stahn's at the bottom of the stairs, across the room, at the top of the stairs, and across from Leon. He is everywhere, and so is everyone else. Leon is hunched over and bleeding out at the top of the stairs, manic yet bitter laughter pouring around dark red. Creak. He's standing calmly with sword drawn in warning, already dead behind his eyes. Creak. He's on his last legs and still trying to fight, refusing the hand in front of him with dry, red and swollen eyes. Creak. He's crumpled and dazed against the wall, right hand clenched and returned to his side in resignation. Creak. He's right in front of him, body bruised and hope grinding to dust between the gears of his mind with his left hand still hovering in the air from reaching out. Creak. He's on sinking ground, hand just out of reach and falling further.

He's sure there's more, but Stahn can hardly keep track of them all as they bounce and reflect like a kaleidoscope.

Many roads led them here, and each way out will be narrower than the way in and a little to the left.

It's everything all at once, and he can see and feel and know it all for this one frozen moment.

Water hangs in the air, about to wash Leon to the side and the rest of them out of the cavern. Creak. Water hangs in the air, about to crash into everyone except for Leon, for whom it conveniently parts. Creak. Water hangs in the air, about to interrupt Leon's last arte. Creak. Water hangs in the air, about to steal him away from the hand and trust he'd won. Creak. Water seeps in from the connecting rooms, and short-sighted engineering has doomed someone. Creak. Water seeps in from the connecting rooms, and there's no reaching Leon where he's fallen.

Creak

"I'm sorry I never realized how much you were hurting," he laments to the bloodied. "I'm sorry I let myself fall for your act, but you know me. I usually believe whatever people tell me."

Leon's voice is both wet and raspy. "What's done is done. I made my choice. Don't you dare carry regret tomorrow."

Creak

"I'm sorry you couldn't rely on us even at the end," he bewails to the empty. "I'm sorry we still made you feel so lonely."

Leon doesn't give voice to any thoughts he's allowed himself to have.

Creak

"I'm sorry we helped back you into that corner," he offers to the struggling. "I'm sorry I couldn't think of how to convince you."

Leon's voice is bitter. "There's no fighting fate."

Creak

"I'm sorry, I'm just not standing close enough," he grinds out to the calm. "Just a little more, and I could grab you. Please, don't give up," he begs.

Leon's voice is placating. "You wouldn't be able to hold on through it anyway. Don't think so hard about it; it wouldn't be like you."

Creak

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he nearly sobs to the repentant. "We could figure something out, if you'd just let us try. This can't be the only option. It can't be."

Leon's voice is level. "I'm not about to die waiting for you lot to think of a better plan." He turns to the ceiling. "The only one who should pay the price for my actions should be me. Even though I've made an already large problem enormous, it's yours to deal with now."

Creak

"I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough," he pleads to the fallen. "Please, just stand up. We can still make this work."

Leon's voice is joyfully spiteful. "That's not a risk I'm willing to let you take. Not this time."

"You don't have to accept this," he shouts to someone. "I'm so sick of everyone acting like it's always one or the other. There has to be another choice..."

No reply is given.

Then all of them collapse into one, and time resumes. For a brief moment, the tomorrows are just as clear and vivid as if he's already living them—a singular, radiant cry of "welcome back"—leaving him feeling like he's choking on his own beating heart and drowning in a droplet of hope.

And then it's gone, and each of him is back to living his one reality. The wheel of fortune turns again.

Chapter Text

(Leon → Stahn) ^[LGE05-1]

"Give me some credit. I still fell in love with you even after you let loose an entire mouthful of drool on my shirt."

"Yeah, and I still loved you even after you got seasick all over my shoes, so we're even."

(A small extension of Countryside. The aftermath of one of the less glamorous parts of shepherding. iykyk.)

Stahn's lost count of how many times he's spit into the sink at this point.

"Leon, can I stop yet? My arm's really tired..."

Leon still keeps a strict two meters' distance. "No. Again."

"C'mon, I'm not gonna have any teeth left at this rate."

"That's your problem, not mine. Keep brushing."

Stahn whines but concedes. His nails bend under the effort of trying to squeeze any more toothpaste from the tube. "I think we're out anyway..."

"Use mine." A nearly full tube is chucked across the room and into the sink. Stahn whines again. "You are not coming anywhere near me until your mouth is clean."

"It is clean! You've watched me brush for like two hours!"

"Not good enough!"

Gifting flowers doesn't seem like something they'd do between each-other, but I thought of it. Stahn giving Leon a little bouquet of wildflowers.

"Did you really think I'd be happy to receive flowers?" he'd grump, looking at them like they're a mess on his hands. Stahn would shrug, say he just felt like it. Leon would sigh, but resignedly look for something to put them in. He could ask the staff to do it, but then they'd know he was given flowers... ^[LGE05-2]

I don't really tread all that much on forbidden aspects with them, but—and again, I must stress that I love Rutee—imagine after Stahn and Rutee get together, he goes "Man, I really wanted to do this with Leon, but this is nice too, I guess."
":'| Gee thanks. Well why didn't you when he was around? You aren't really the feelings-hiding type."
":( I wanted to, but I couldn't 'cause he's a guy."
"??????"
Not for a moral reason. He just would have been taught that boys can't be with boys and girls can't be with girls and he never questioned it. He doesn't have the notion that it's wrong, just that they can't and that's just how it is. Country things.
"Idiot??? You could have been with him???"

(From a convo with Luri)

Thinking about them playing video games together. Single player stuff where Leon either can't stop himself from backseating or starts fighting for the controller because Stahn's "doing it wrong" (he started purposely playing worse because it was cute how invested Leon was getting in "a pointless waste of time")

If Leon's sitting in Stahn's lap while Stahn plays, he tends to eventually get sleepy because it's a comfortable, loose position with the controller held in front of him. Even if Leon was the one playing, Stahn would probably fall asleep in the same position too, snoring into Leon's shoulder. Hmm, with how little Leon seemed to mind Stahn's drooling in DC, would he keep playing until he's done or immediately stop once his shoulder starts getting wet lol (I guess that could count for Leon reading a book, too)

Kissing Leon tastes sweet... Dang sugar fiend.
Leon getting really embarrassed when Stahn comments on it after their first deep kiss.
(Stahn mentioning off-hand to Rutee that "Leon's love tastes good" and she tries with all her might to calmly explain "You need to think a little before you speak. Please. For my sake.")

(Leon → Stahn)

"If we could be reborn... I don't think it'd be so bad to be tied to your side. Keep me walking along your path, so I don't get lost again."

After a close call, during a moment alone, what's meant to just be a sweet embrace becomes emotional. "Don't let go," Leon whispers like a shameful admission.

I could see Leon having a motorcycle in a modern AU. Doesn't realize he looks a little silly since he went for one that's too big for how small he is because he thought it looked cool. Can't flat foot it. Can't even tippy-toes it. Can only get the ball of one foot to reach the ground if he leans off of it.

Stahn's still thrilled to ride passenger, arms around him without hesitation even if they aren't close yet.

The first time they ever share a bed or tent, Stahn thoughtlessly throws his hair over Leon's face while sweeping it from under him. Long hair problems! This soon after meeting, Leon would probably yank on his hair while asking what the hell his problem is.

Stahn would have no choice but to lay facing Leon if he lays on his side, then, since he'd have to lay his hair over the side of the bed if he doesn't want to lay on it. (You don't want to lay on hair that long.)

There's a little learning curve later to Leon getting a turn as big spoon.

(Aftermath of Outing)

Marian says it'd be good to get Stahn a housewarming present of sorts for when he comes back (Assuming he'd be living in military barracks). Leon is nervous, doesn't know what to get him. The way Marian tilts her head while watching him makes him notice her hair. He asks what kind of thing she'd be happy to receive to help care for it. She praises his train of thought, and suggests a silk pillowcase.

(During Countryside)

While learning to bake, Leon ends up using far too small a bowl to mix in. He has no idea what a "medium-sized bowl" is. That one seemed like the medium-est of the bowls in the kitchen. They're not marked like the measuring cups and spoons are! But Leon Magnus is a stubborn bastard and doesn't want to have pointlessly dirtied a bowl. So he sticks with it. The spoon isn't working out like this. He tries to use his hands, cringing. Slowly, so slowly trying to mix in this tiny bowl, trying not to spill. It spills very much.

Lilith walking in and stating the obvious. That bowl is too small, you're making a mess.

Glaring daggers over his shoulder and dropping still powdery clumps of dough on the counter, "Do you honestly think I haven't noticed by now?"

She puts her hands up defensively and walks away. There's no way she can salvage what he's doing anyway. "Just make sure you clean up."

After one of their first deep kisses, Stahn informs Leon he thinks he has a cavity. Embarrassment...

Leon finding his back actually gets colder when having to share a bed. Not being able to wrap or tuck the blanket around both sides of him, and like hell he's facing Stahn while he sleeps.
(Blah blah insert Sleeping Arrangements, unintentionally laying closer to make up for it)
It's a relief he's pleasantly surprised by when they get together.

Stahn in front of Chris's portrait, talking to both her and Hugo about marriage. It'd probably go a little differently whether it's to Leon or Rutee. (...Or both?)

Even if the deceased can't hear it, it's a sweet gesture. Talking about everything he loves about them. None of them knew Chris, and they didn't truly know Hugo either, but he'd try to let them know that they're all doing fine. That they'll take care of each-other, and he's going to do his best to make their son (and daughter?) happy.

Eventually getting so used to each-other's presence that they don't even notice sometimes. Leon could get really into the book he's reading, and close it some time later only to find Stahn's head in his lap. One of his hands were already petting through Stahn's hair.

"When did you get here?"
"About an hour ago?"

He's more surprised that Stahn's still awake.

If they don't separate during the night, it's a die roll for how difficult it is to get up in the morning. 9 times out of 10 it's fine, just move Stahn's arm out the way and start the Process of waking him up, but there's a rare morning when he just won't let go. Whines and rolls them over a bit until there's basically no leverage for shoving away.

I wonder what the most effective way to wake him up in that case would be... (well, if the Sleeping Beauty coin toss doesn't work)

The three-person bed in My Sister's Husband. Each of Stahn's arms weighed down by a Kartret (*pq′ー｀) Rarely waking up first (maybe only briefly) and just thinking how lucky he is.

Though. With how much more Rutee complains than anyone else about the heat, maybe she's not big on cuddling in bed. With how hot Stahn runs, it gets sweaty real quick. So maybe Leon gets to monopolize Stahn during the night. Rutee might be a little jealous at first, but she grows to like waking up before either of them, to get to see up-close how relaxed Leon is when he's curled into Stahn's side; noticing how at peace Stahn is now compared to before this. Giving a kiss to Stahn's cheek before getting up for the day.

Happening upon mistletoe. Stahn points it out, Leon looks around for anyone watching, then mutters "It can't be helped" and closes his eyes. It's tradition. Inescapable, really. Stahn leaves him hanging for a while just because he looks cute like that, standing still and waiting for a kiss.

In a Leon-survives route, with his original reason for changing his name (and the identities tied to them).

The lead-up to him deciding to reclaim his real name would have those identities laid bare. The extent of his learned insecurities. How he's felt worthless as himself. How he's been conditioned to feel unloved by anyone but Chal and Marian, and in turn devalue anyone else.

Stamping out the vestiges of those feelings as all of the empty space beside him has been filled with people who wanted to help him.

I think it'd be most impactful if Rutee is the first to welcome 'Emilio'.

For a long while now, I've had a vague idea for a dying dream. He dreams of another voyage on a boat, with all of them there together. It lasts for days, and it's not quite clear where they're going or why. The weather would be dark and dreary, almost always appearing to be night. Of course it's generally hard on Leon, with his motion sickness, but Rutee's kindness offers moments of reprieve, and eventually Stahn learns to help the same way. He doesn't question why he never learns to do it for himself. Dream logic.

Leon can't sleep. Even without an uneasy stomach, Leon wouldn't be able to sleep. The moment his eyes close, it's nightmares. So he stays awake. He hasn't slept once since setting sail. Stahn tries to coax him to sleep, and ends up falling asleep himself while rubbing Leon's wrist. He worries as it becomes easier and easier to see Leon's nerves and attention fraying. Leon brushes him off, saying that he'll sleep once they reach land. Stahn tries to be an anchoring or distracting presence, as they grow closer in ways Leon hadn't let them before.

They never make it to where they're going; the ship swallowed by a storm. ^[LGE05-3]

Stahn never taking another day for granted. Taking every opportunity to stay connected—being so embarrassing, holding his hand or outright hugging him in public. Greeting each morning with a gentle "I missed you" even after years have passed. Nearly overbearing, being told plainly that it's annoying—holding just tight enough to convey how much he doesn't want to let go, but still leaving room for Leon to go if he really wanted to. He won't trap him. If a day comes that Leon really wants away from him, he'll let go.

But now, today, it's mutual. Maybe one day his words will be honest. For now, Leon holds on to the arm crossing the front of him, feeling the pulse running through it and firmly against his back. The wind sends golden hair over his shoulders, and he feels a sense of belonging.

Stahn being unable to sleep for the whole night. Feeling creepy for spending so much time just looking, but the adrenaline and anxiety isn't going away. He knows he needs to sleep, and he tries, but right now, it feels like if he leaves Leon alone, something will happen and they won't get away with just a bit of waterlogging this time.

He's not good at pretending to have slept in the morning. The most obvious fake yawn and 'waking up' stretch in the world. But it'd be weird, right? So he insists he's fine.

Through the day, Leon figures out for himself that Stahn's unconsciously worried over him. Sticking closer to him without realizing he's doing it. He's clearly exhausted by that night, but still can't sleep.

Leon verbally addresses it after a while of laying awake. He starts off firm, telling him he has better things to worry about right now than a singular person (which sure is rich, coming from him), and he doesn't need Stahn's extra concern. But it's not like Stahn didn't know that already. He gets shy, saying he's not going anywhere. Because some clingy stickseed never let go no matter how hard he shook. Besides, Stahn promised they'd save Marian together, right? Saving Marian doesn't end at just getting her out of enemy hands; it means ensuring the future of the world. He lightly grips Stahn's sleeve and tells him to go to sleep.

Stahn nods, and after a little bit longer of burning the image and thought of Leon here, safe and sound beside him, into his mind, he nods off.

It is canon that Leon cuddles with Chal. Chal is Leon's only prior experience with friendship. So it stands to reason that once Leon embraces this whole Friendship thing with Stahn, he'd start actively trying to cuddle when they share a bed. Because that's what friends do in his experience.
Stahn, frozen for a moment: "OH :O ... OKAY!"
(...Am I joking?)

When Stahn and Rutee are actually talking about being together, Rutee brings up that she knows how messed up Stahn still is over Leon. He asks if that's bad (a deal-breaker). She smiles sadly and says no. She likes that Stahn loved Leon so much. It's something of a comfort to know that her unfortunate little brother would have had someone to love him and make him happy. And she'd never want to take that away from Leon, whether he's here to receive it or not. Leon can't be here with them, but sometimes it's almost like she can feel his presence through Stahn's love for him.

So. She's fine with it, if sometimes it's still all about Leon. It makes her imagine Leon happy, even if it's in a very Leon-way.

(Hanahaki)
I couldn't think of how to write it, but I did think of the image of Leon on his side after being defeated by the party, and unable to stop coughing. Even though he tries to hide it in his cape, there's not much he can do. He has to get up and keep blocking their path. It's another shock for the party as the tiny petals just go everywhere as he tries to shout around them, pointing Chaltier at the person responsible for them.
(And then zombie Leon still has petals stuck around his mouth)
They'd track some of the petals back with them, and anyone who recognized the flower would have the dilemma of whether or not to tell Stahn.

(Same rules as Hanahaki 1. I guess it still hurts if it's the same rules as Hanahaki 2, though...
Additional rule: The disease only takes hold/persists if the target of affections is alive.)

Alternatively to Leon's flowers changing, Stahn begins coughing up white rose petals. It becomes part of why he chooses to stall the whole knight thing, needing the time to sort himself out. They stop after Libra IV, but only because that was the turning point for Leon's feelings. Since it was such a hectic moment, he doesn't notice that the irritation was going away before the explosion. So when he does notice he's no longer afflicted, he takes it as evidence that Leon is dead.

I still don't know about TOD2, so with that additional rule, there's room for a lot of hurt based on the supposedly proven fact that the other is dead... :')

Or if feelings remain one-sided, whichever one is living with the disease ends up grateful for their dumb feelings for confirming that the other is still alive, even if it means their own time is still running out. But I guess in Stahn's case, that might change a lot of things. If they know for sure that Leon is still alive, because of this, I don't think Rutee would let them sit still. Finding him would become her life's priority.

(Same rules as Hanahaki 1)

Hmm.. Bringing it back to Stahn being victim, if events play out as they usually do. After Libra IV, when he's in the worst of his mourning, hiccups turn to coughs. There's confusion on the first petal, until he remembers the stories of lovesickness. He doesn't understand at first; he's never really fallen in love before—... Ah. Yes. Of course. Who has his heart been crying for the past days? Who else. And of course a dead person can't return his feelings.

It's too much feeling, so it becomes a bit numb for a while, like one would pass out from physical pain. It gives enough relief to come to terms with it. He's still alive, they have work to do, and bigger more important things to worry about than this, so he keeps it to himself and Dymlos. Dymlos doesn't have much to say besides criticizing his heart's choice of partners. He means it in bitter jest, but it has Stahn seriously defending Leon, but it also has him thinking of what Leon would have been like if they were together. If he really would have been a good partner. It hurts.

He continues to try to hide it even after they've defeated Mictlan. It's not going away, and he's pretty sure his feelings aren't going anywhere. He accepts that it'll likely kill him. "I guess I'll be following you soon anyway, huh?"
It's going to happen anyway, so why upset everyone by telling them now? He'd rather spend the time he has left as happily as possible. 

When Rutee first confesses to him, she's never seen him look so nearly... ill. First thinking he was upset because of her, but soon enough, there's a coughing fit, that he doesn't bother to hide this time. Realization dawns, and she quietly asks who. Stahn holds his handful of white rose petals and smiles bittersweetly, not bothering to answer. She joins him at his side, muttering, "the rose of Seinegald, huh. Figures."

And maybe he'd still live the life he has left with Rutee, even loving her. But it never goes away, and it's something she learns to accept. There's comfort for both of them in her own clear lungs, proof that whatever they have is enough to keep her safe.

(If same rules as 2 and Leon rejoins the party, I don't think Stahn would ever develop symptoms. He's been so sure about his views of Leon, still calling them friends (mutual) even when Leon flat out rejects it, that I think he'd probably also be fairly sure Leon would love him back.)

Ever since writing out the Waltz thing, I just really like the idea of them dancing. (੭´͈ ᐜ `͈)੭ And with some years of peace waiting after the world is saved, and all Leon's obligations probably blown to smithereens, why not make a full hobby of it in off time? Though they probably can't attend lessons because of Leon's jealous streak. Group lessons don't let you stay with a chosen partner, and I figure since Leon didn't have a private tutor for it as a child, they're hard to come by.

Leon would tend toward slower, more strictly structured dances, and being able to do something fancy and gentlemanly like that would be a neat novelty to Stahn, but Stahn would probably be more for faster paced things that also leave room for improv.

I also thought of a dream sequence that starts with them all dressed up and dancing in a big, fancy, busy ballroom. It's quiet, dreamy, ebb and flowy. It seems like every time Leon blinks, they've swapped who's leading. After one of the songs ends, Stahn grins and pulls him through the crowd and away. It feels like two naughty kids running away. Stahn leads them to a barn that's also full with people; commoners dancing and playing lively music on simple or improvised instruments. He suddenly spins Leon out, somehow taking his suit jacket off with the movement, and through Leon's complaints he works at getting his cravat off and rolling up his sleeves so they can join in comfortably. He leads Leon stumbling through wild, barely structured folk dances. ^[LGE5-4]

After the first couple nights they share an inn bed, Leon unconsciously waits up about an extra half an hour after Stahn goes to sleep before he even gets into bed. The bed is nice and warm by the time he crawls in because Stahn's body heat has had time to seep into the covers and mattress. Even before Leon's started laying closer, he's already actively exploiting Stahn as a bed warmer.

Stahn holding Leon's hand, covering as much of it as he can, gripping tightly and desperately. Leon slowly wiggling his hand free, just to entwine their fingers.

(Countryside)
What if Thomas immediately noticed the chemistry and forbid them from sharing a bed lmao
Stahn: Huh?? But we've already slept together lots of times.
Leon: Watch. Your. Wording. People will get the wrong idea!!
Stahn: ??? What's so wrong about it? It isn't a big deal.
Then Thomas definitely wouldn't let them share a bed...

Stahn ends up needing less sleep after they get together. He wasn't usually getting quality sleep. Leon acts like a weighted blanket, which it turns out he needed.

(RM1, maybe continuation of Reckless from the Lemon Gummi)

I still haven't gone to Doplund yet, but... I was thinking of Stahn risking himself again at some point way later down the line, and they find themselves arguing after-hours again until it's Stahn with his back on the desk, collar of his shirt balled up in Leon's furious hands. Stahn trying to wrestle him off without throwing him to the floor.

"Your life isn't yours to throw away as you see fit!" Leon would yell.

Stahn would stop, shocked. "...Then... whose...?"

"M-mine," the first tear breaks the dam, but he's far past caring now. "Your life is mine. You're mine." He gasps to fill his lungs properly as the adrenaline drops, and as his vision clears from it, Stahn's stunned expression sparks anxiety. "...Aren't you?"

Stahn blinks as the drops hit his chin and neck. Slowly, he lets go of Leon's lapels and takes his wrists. His shirt is relinquished, so he finishes guiding Leon's hands to his face and nods. "Not really the kind of wording I like, but... Yeah. I belong with you." Leon gives a sharp exhale that Stahn interprets as a relieved laugh. "And that means you, too, right?"

Leon pinches his cheeks and hopes it's distraction enough from his sniffling. "Presumptuous idiot."

"Dishonest louse," Stahn doesn't fight back.

"Who'd you learn that word from?"

"I wonder..."

If Stahn ever wakes up to use the restroom at night, he always comes back to Leon having taken his side of the bed. He just left such a warm spot, of course Leon would instinctively move into it.

(before-bed phone notes)
Stahn waking up in the middle of the night, just a little bit 
Sees Leon's bare forehead in front of him
Instinctively smooches it
Falls back asleep

(before-bed phone notes)
Fingers twined and pressed to the bed, asking that "forever?"

Leon refusing to stand on his toes to reach for a kiss, and trying to pull Stahn down instead with his arms around his neck. Stahn, thinking it's a strength challenge, just stands straighter. So Leon puts all his weight into it, but he just ends up dangling in the air and embarrassing himself.

Probably swings a bit to knee Stahn in the groin as payback. Grumpily doesn't bother answering when Stahn asks what the heck that was for.

(From quick notes in DMs)

Leon rubbing nice lotion into Stahn's hands. The good expensive stuff.

Doesn't carry many of those luxuries with him when traveling; doesn't really mind going without; doesn't even bother with it all that often when he's home either—but when he gets back home to the manor after a mission, it's deep grooming time as part of unwinding. Skin lotions, hair oils, fragrances.

Offering the same treatment for Stahn once the Eye is returned and they're waiting around for all the official talks to organize and end so everyone can get back to their lives. Even on top of his naturally nice hair, he's never felt so soft and shiny all over. Even if Leon might have mostly offered it as vague bragging, it's nice. Leon says not to get used to it, but Stahn's already daydreaming about the future of working together, coming back from missions to do all of this again, maybe working up to taking a bubble bath together.

He's given lotion for his face as well, and Leon declines the request to help like he did with the hand lotion. Stahn pouts. Part way through applying it himself, he imagines if Leon hadn't declined. Fingers softly rubbing the silky cream into his cheeks. Ah... maybe that had been too intimate of a request after all. But once he's there, it's difficult to not keep thinking. If he'd offered to return the favor, would Leon have let him? Let him massage his hands, his face.

(*pq′ー｀) Stahn peeling tangerines for Leon in the winter. Leon is perfectly capable of doing it himself but now he doesn't have to get his fingers all stained.

It starts as Stahn offering a piece, holding it up like he's waiting for Leon to open his mouth for it. After realizing that and blushing at the expectation, both wanting the tangerine and wanting to save face briefly and subconsciously battle; wanting it wins, and he unconsciously just snatches the piece and eats it in a huff, grumbling that he's not a child, he doesn't need to be hand fed. But damn, now he's shown his interest. ^[LGE05-5]

Really late in the relationship, when Leon's settled into being a spoiled little lord, he might accept being hand-fed things like grapes and strawberries...

They pull the short straws to clean up after the New Years party. Stahn keeps nodding off, it's so late.
There wasn't anything especially exciting at midnight. It'd be embarrassing and way too public.
While sweeping up confetti, Leon sneaks a little peck on his cheek and quickly returns to cleaning. Didn't want the night to pass by with nothing, but also, ugh, that was juvenile. Hopes Stahn will just take it and float his way through the rest of the task. Maybe wake up too.
Of course not. Stahn keeps abandoning work after that and coming over to grab and nuzzle him and needs to be shaken off. Ahh but that's not fair, Leon started it, didn't he.

Chelsea teasing Leon about Stahn just to get a rise out of him. She draws while she does it; little doodles of the two of them being loveydovey. She's mostly joking at first, but his reactions make her serious. Like, "Wow... Y'know, I was only joking, but... Maybe you should give it some real thought? I think he probably likes you, too. Or, if he doesn't... I think he could. I'm pretty sure he could. No, he definitely could." She thinks about it a little more. How Stahn shines when Leon enters the room. "...No, he definitely does. You can trust Cupid Chelsea! If you go smooch him right now, he'd probably melt and achieve his final form. Don't you want that for him?! Go!"
Maybe she pushes him out the door and right into Stahn, and he they do kinda collide in a way that has Leon's mouth brushing Stahn's jaw, but that's it. But it's also enough to destroy him.

Or, when he's escalated to shouting at her, she just looks at him with worry and pity. "You should grow up a little. It's pretty childish to throw a tantrum just because you're embarrassed."
He doesn't want to be told that by a 14-year-old, but... she's right. He needs to calm down—
"I guess it's a good thing Stahn finds it cute."
and right back to shrieking

[Friend's addition:]
like the one scene from spongebob where he's questioning whether squidward likes krabby patties LMAO
"Why is your face so red?"
"Because you're uh.."
"and why did you keep the drawing?"
"I.. I uh.."
"and why are you acting so strange? and why are you sweating so much? and why do you always get embarrassed when I bring up stahn? and.. ..... 😏"
"It's not what you think, you're just making stuff up about me, i.. LISTEN TO ME."
"You love stahn, don't you leon?" ^[LGE05-6]

The group stays at the Gilchrist manor the night before the final battle instead of the inn. There's no reason for them to waste money when every bedroom that isn't occupied by staff is empty. Besides, it kind of belongs to Rutee, doesn't it?

Stahn is given Leon's room to stay in. He looks around and is sad to see how plain it is. Clearly decorated by the staff, with no personal touches.

He goes through Leon's closet, feeling sad he didn't get to see Leon's outfit change much. Imagines what he'd look like wearing all of these, and where he'd wear them to. They all look like they suit him. He wonders which was Leon's favorite.

He lays on the bed holding the last coat he was looking at, and falls asleep.

(Leon)

It's overwhelming to realize. It's all he's wanted—not in the way he always imagined it, but it's right here. Patient. Waiting. Offering. But it's so much. There's consequences to this—to being cared for so deeply. It's scary. Simultaneously wanting to fall into it and run away.

There was a collab with an amusement park, where Leon and Rutee were the Destiny representatives.

Imagine Rutee convincing Leon to ride the merry-go-round. Part of the fun for her is the juxtaposition of riding it as an adult. Seeing Leon stiffly sitting on one of the horses is pretty funny, too. And while Leon isn't having fun with such a childish ride, it's... nice, just to be on it, with his sister. They're several years late and there's no mother or father waiting for them when they get off, but it's better late than never. It becomes a cherished memory that they both revisit more often than they'd ever admit.

(It's probably the only ride Leon can stomach...)

They eventually win a stupid giant stuffed bear from one of the scammy games. Neither knows what to do with it though. Leon doesn't want it, Rutee has nowhere to put it and doesn't really want it either. It's the end of the day anyway, so it sits on the train seat between them on the way back. They both fall asleep leaning on it.
They frame it as making it Stahn's problem to deal with, dropping it off with him since he couldn't go with them that day. He isn't really sure what to do with something that big either, but he's happy to get something from two of his favorite people and know they were thinking of him that day. It kind of ends up being mostly Lilith's.

(Stahn → Leon)

'No matter how many times I'm reborn,' huh... I wonder if we could?

I wonder what kind of world it'd be like. The same world but tilted a little? A day earlier? A day later? A thousand years ago? A thousand years from now? A completely different world somewhere too far to see?

Would we be born on the other side of the world from each-other again? Or in the same village? Would we be family in some way? Brothers? Brothers-in-law? Or maybe something else?

I know I'd still want to be by your side, no matter what kind of world it is, no matter how we're born, no matter what we go through.

If I could be reborn, and I have to see you make the same choice over and over, then I hope I make a different one. I hope I can find the right choice that saves you, no matter how many times it takes.

Leon being an absolute cuddle monster when he's delirious with a high fever. Soaking up all the physical comfort he can get. But also wanting left alone when he gets sweaty. But also no, don't leave, but also don't touch me, but don't let go, but— And refusing to believe it if he's told about it when he's well again.

When Leon does eventually get glasses, I wonder what kind of frames he'd get? Maybe big round ones like Philia's since they'd be the furthest from Hugo's. Probably be conflicted about it since smaller and shorter frames look way better on him but... but... Hugo.

During times that Stahn's more sure that Leon died, he doesn't like thinking about it as them having lost Leon. To say something was lost is to imply that it can be found.

[From DMs]

Friend:
have you written or do you have an idea where their first kiss would be ?👀
Me:
(●´⌓`●) I can't even decide on a solid point in time when I'd prefer they fall in love!! I can't decide on when they'd first kiss.... or...
I've written it happening all over the place
Today it's a whirlwind and they've done all their firsts before even recovering the eye. Tomorrow it's a tragedy and Stahn doesn't even realize he was in love until he's married Rutee and it doesn't quite feel right.
The day after, it's love that keeps Stahn in Darilsheid and keeps Leon alive. The day after that, they're still dancing around it months after the game.
THE DAY AFTER, IT'S PSX CONTINUITY AND LEON'S JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS AND IS DEAD INSIDE.
THE DAY AFTER THAT, THE NIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE MANOR BEFORE THE FINAL BATTLE IS A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

[Crestoria, from DMs]

Friend: auau transgressor leon,, wondering where his like mark would be
[...]
Me: Nothin stopping you from doodling where it could be 👀 maybe with a lil ghostly kiss laid on it
Friend: hehehehehehheeheh i just need to brainstorm what he would have to do to get it
Me: What even counts
Friend: something a ton of people would have to condemn you for [...] like i think it has to be something people see/find out about. what i remember though a bunch of people have to kinda like report you and then your vision orb explodes and you're marked as a transgressor and enforcers come after you
Me: That'd be difficult then... 'cause if trying to draw parallels back to canon, he's apparently pretty good at covering up his crimes lol
Friend: but also have to think about how crestorias canon is different and im like augh there's no hugo or marian
Me: No but there is a Stahn he'd do many things to restore and no shortage of people who want dirty work done
Friend: true true 👀,, doing very bad thing because he's told it can help restore him but maybe it was a lie ?
Me: He is also pretty short sighted and dumb when it comes to those things. Like seriously who would actually take the evil guy's word that they'll let you go if you do all this evil shit for them. But he keeps falling for it
Friend: oh no stahn would have to watch him get condemned for him :( he does because he cares so much for the people he loves WAAAUHH
Me: Stahn would be right at his side when it's proposed to him and would absolutely just say no, do not, it is not worth it. Don't you dare. There has to be other ways or nicer people who can offer this and even if there isn't, I will be a sword forever, it's fine. Don't. And then several days of continuous "I can see you scheming. Don't do it." He's gonna do it. How the hell is he gonna hide it from Stahn though. Because would it be worth it if Stahn can't forgive him?
Friend: leon wants to do it for him even knowing the risks waaauh
Me: So whatever the crime is (or at least the crime that's found out about)... has to be bad, but not something that Stahn couldn't forgive him for. That's really difficult.
Friend: there's also the idea of him being accused of being the person that did a really bad crime, only person that knows that it's not really true is stahn and he cant even defend him because he's a sword
Me: 🤔 Depending on the values of the world or even just the village they're in at the moment, there's plenty of not actually bad things to be reported for. Like dang, people have probably been burned as witches for less than being found talking to an inanimate object lmao
Friend: condemned for being insane LMFAO
Me: Guess he could really get duped into helping with something that turns out to be magnitudes worse than it sounded when he agreed, and then end up taking the whole fall for it once the true nature of the operation becomes clear.
Friend: could say "it wasn't me, I didn't do it" but who would believe him (besides stahn) but even still he helped with it, though unknowingly 
Me: Just a little bit of human trafficking escorting people who didn't consent aren't especially enthusiastic for the human experimenting jobs they have lined up.... or something like that maybe
Friend: OH YEAH THAT WOULD BE BADDDD

Laying down facing each-other. Stahn raises the arm he isn't laying on just a little, opening and closing his fingers in invitation. Leon rolls his eyes, but is still slow to raise his hand up to meet him. Leon's reaching fingers are embraced immediately—enthusiastically and clumsily, just the ends at first as Stahn smiles at him. He plays with them a bit before entwining fully. Leon's hold is loose until Stahn gives a soft squeeze and an asking gaze, and Leon turns his eyes to the pillow as he squeezes back.

True love's kiss cures zombie

(Remake continuity)

Leon realizing he's in love during the 3 month separation. It becoming obvious to the rest of the staff that something's up with him. Frequently being absent-minded, flushed, and either more easily irritated than usual or surprisingly forgiving. But above all, he's clearly impatient and nervous.

The more curious ones ask Marian if she knows what's bothering him, and she can't in good conscience even say something like 'Oh he's just at that age', but she also can't help smiling. Because of course she knows; she's the one who made him realize it. Her silence just makes them suspicious of the two of them, though, which takes a while to correct.

It doesn't escape him that everyone's suddenly watching him, either. It just makes him even more irritable and nervous. 'This can't be happening. They know. Everyone knows.'

(Radiant Mythology 1)

Leon being super high-strung while Stahn's away investigating Ailily. It only gets worse the longer he's gone.

He goes to the guild far more often than usual, looking through the requests. At first it's subconsciously to look for a distraction, but then he's not even intending to accept any—just flipping through them to look busy when he 'idly' asks if Stahn's finally finished yet, and complaining that he's taking so long to do something 'that simple'; that they shouldn't have entrusted such a mission to someone like him alone.

"Maybe we should have sent you with him. It has been an awfully long time."

"I have better things to do than babysit him."

"Ah... like re-reading the same five requests seven times...?"

"I—!! My time is valuable—I'm not going to waste it on a thinly-veiled courier job."

And then he leaves in an insulted huff without taking a request... But he keeps coming back, at least twice a day. If Rutee's there, she calls out "he's not back yet" before he's even finished entering the room. It pisses him off so much that he almost turns right around and leaves, but that'd almost be like admitting that's why he was there.

He won't admit it even to himself, but he's incredibly worried.

Stahn writing out a little note that says "I love" followed by a doodle of a sheep with a bow by its ear. Gives it to Leon, who is entirely unimpressed. "I already know you like your sheep."
Stahn indignantly says "It's a girl sheep!"
"That's disgusting."
"No, it's a ewe! I love ewe."
"That's... stupid... ////"

Or alternatively, the first time Leon ever blurts out an "I love you", that's what he tries to dodge with. "I said I love... ewes. You're... surprisingly knowledgeable about agriculture! It's—it's interesting!"
"Ah... Did you want to hear more about the sheep?"
"Yes. It'd be useful to know about this step of the supply chain."
"I see, I see... I'll tell you all you want to know about the farm! Oh, and, I love you, too."
You can't escape that easily, Leon...

(From DMs)
;w; Dreaming of sleepovers ahuhuhu
...I have no idea how Stahn would even be able to visit normally let alone sleep over even sometimes in this patch of time if he did come back fairly quickly. Unless Mictlan decided to like, sponsor him or something so he was living there anyway. Which. Would actually be a very good move on his part but creates its own brand new nightmare scenario :D hahaha
Because if he's just living in barracks, Leon's gonna be a priss about visiting. No I'm not inviting you over, we're not friends, what made you think that. Stop inviting yourself over, people are going to talk. etc
Comes over often enough that the staff is kind of used to their antics.
Maid: Master Leon, you have a visitor—
Leon: Send him away
Stahn: [waiting outside the room, overheard] Don't be like thaaat!
and the maid just stands around while the two go back-and-forth through the door. Knows if they interrupt to actually ask Stahn to leave, Leon ends up in a foul mood even though that's what he said he wanted, plus they can't sleep with the guilt after seeing the kicked puppy look on Stahn.

(From DMs)
aaaa first time crying about them in a couple months
happy tears though ;w; just... the image of one watching the other sleep, smiling, grateful that they're both there.
Heart full, worries gone. Like a completed puzzle, with everything where it should be. Even if there's still a crisis to solve tomorrow, it doesn't feel too big for even a moment.
;w; And maybe they're crying, too. Relieved, happy.

(RM1)
Leon complaining about Stahn and whoever he's complaining to just letting him tire himself out. When he's done, they quote how long he just spent talking about some guy with no breaks or input.

Chapter Text

He thought he'd be haunted by the sounds of water. The calm streams running through the cavern, the steady echoing drip from stalactites, or the rushing current in the aftermath.

Yes, he does have nightmares of the day it happened, but he's surprised that more often, it's the sounds of gears turning, of giant clock hands ticking. He relives one of the last days they spent together fighting side-by-side, working their way up the clock tower. Looking back on it now, it feels like it was an omen of their time running out.

Sometimes it's just a recollection of what happened. Sometimes things are just a little different, sometimes they're even ridiculous with someone saying or doing something bizarre.

Sometimes there's no urgency, and they just happen to all be inside the clock tower for no real reason. It's peaceful, and leaves him longing to simply see amazing sights with his friends instead of the endless treadmill of heavy responsibility and danger they've had to run on.

They mill about the top of the tower eventually, staring out over the city and land. They're all in groups, and sometimes even Lilith is there. Sometimes he watches Leon with Rutee, and his favorite is when Leon leans his head on her shoulder. Sometimes Leon spends the time with him. He doesn't know what they talk about together as they stand at the railing, but it feels nice. He can vividly feel the little smile on his own face, and though what he remembers most is Leon's back turned to him, the not-quite-smile-but-definitely-not-a-frown as he looked over his shoulder to give a response still stands out to him. It was something so mundane, but he'd give almost anything to see it again.

Once, he climbed the tower alone, and then slipped down over the face of the clock to push and wind the hands backward, as if it'd bring him back to that day to let him do it over.

And sometimes he does know what will happen, and he tries to pull Leon away from it with the loud gears masking their conversation from the others. The words have run into a blurry mess at this point, but he's sure he's tried everything.

Most times, it doesn't work and ends poorly, from Leon denying the facts of his situation to leaving him behind to get rid of him as an obstacle. It seems that even in his dreams, he can't imagine Leon turning his sword against him, even though he's already lived through it happening.

He isn't sure if he likes it when it goes well, though. It's nice to feel Leon accept his hand, to trust him and ask for his help. It's nice to feel that he's safe, that he won't be hurt anymore, that he won't be alone.

But he still has to wake up from it. The first time, it took a minute to fully wake, hazy mind still spinning in elated circles at having changed things. The sounds of the clock tower slowly faded to that of the empty room he slept in. Even though he's quicker to realize it now, it doesn't hurt any less to have that hope dangled so convincingly in front of him and then snatched away by reality.

Chapter Text

Leon's not sure how he got into the haze that let Stahn get this close. Maybe he was just curious.

The first kiss is soft, hesitant and short, and gives a tiny spike of adrenaline that breaks through the haze.

His hands are up against Stahn's chest, but frustratingly only give the most token of resistances. It doesn't even feel like he's pushing him away for more than breath.

The second is just as short, but it hurts somewhere.

The third feels like a betrayal of his own feelings, though still yet unspoken.

The fourth is loud and it feels like something in him shattered.

The fifth is accompanied by hands in his hair, and he finally tries to turn his head away with an involuntary groan. "Can't," he tries, his sins creeping up his back like briers.

A sixth briefly persists regardless, and he doesn't like the noise he makes. "Why not?"

A seventh swallows his delayed reply, and he can feel the invisible leash he's on pulling and choking. "I can't," he repeats, the truth an impossibility.

There's a pause and he almost thinks he's free, but whatever Stahn found in his face must not have been convincing. An eighth is pressed to his mouth insistently, and fingers massaging his scalp coax him into relaxing. "If you're only going to push me away with words, you need stronger ones." A ninth steals away what he realizes would have been a half-hearted insult. "You're good at that, so I know you can."

"There's a word for this," he tries to threaten, but Stahn only gives a half-lidded grin.

Stahn's hands run down his arms and back up to his wrists, smile only growing.

Leon realizes his hands had balled into fists at some point, gripping the fabric of Stahn's shirt. He lets go, but his wrists remain in Stahn's light hold, having him feel the elevated but steady pulse.

And then Stahn leans down to press a tenth kiss to his forehead, and takes any thoughts he had with him. "You're still standing here. Kinda giving me mixed signals, y'know? Tell me off, shove me, hit me, anything. You said 'I can't', but isn't that different from 'I don't want to'?"

Chapter Text

Lilith relieves Leon of his shift on night watch. There isn't much choice but to become a tangle in Lilith's Stahn's bed with how he's spread out to each corner of it. There's more room on the far side, so he climbs over him. He lays his head on Stahn's arm, draping an arm and leg over him however it'll help him fit. He shivers and soaks up the warmth.

Next thing he knows, his hair is being messed with. He groans and tries to turn his head away. It's too bright. Didn't he just fall asleep?

"Heheh, I get to be on the other side of this for once..." he vaguely hears Stahn's voice mumbling. "Wake up~ We missed breakfast. I'll cook, how's that sound? What do you want?"

Can he have whatever he wants? He responds, "pancakes..." and tries to burrow deeper under the blanket and closer to the heat.

A giggle snaps his eyes open. He's wrapped entirely too tightly around his new lover, who's looking down at him with sparkling eyes and a face-splitting grin. He immediately feels mocked.

"What."

"You looked—"

"Don't."

"—really cute."

Leon shoves him out of bed and lunges after him with a growl.

Chapter Text

There isn't much that can wake Stahn, but the sound of hitched breaths have him aware and alert in seconds.

He swings his short legs over the edge of his bed and is careful not to make too loud a noise lowering himself the rest of the way to the floorboards. He pads across the small room to the other bed and can just barely make out the shaking lump under the covers.

He doesn't ask. If he asks, he'll just be yelled at and it'll make everything worse. So he lifts the edge of the blanket and crawls into the bed, scooting across the mattress until he can hug the smaller figure facing away from him. The shaking almost stops, and he wishes it was that easy—that it'll be that easy one day—but it's just more holding back.

"Go b-back to your own-n bed," Leon spits, and it's an improvement from a snarl.

Stahn hasn't figured out what the best thing to say is yet, so this time, he tries: "But I'm cold." Well, it's not entirely a lie.

"Then put s-socks on!"

He's not being elbowed away, so that must have been an alright excuse. "I'm already here, though." 'And you'll be cold alone,' he doesn't say.

"Lazy," Leon might have meant to add a string of more accusations, but he trails off and huffs. But he's still tense. If Leon would just face him, it'd probably be easier. It was with Lilith. 

Stahn pulls himself further up the pillow to curl over Leon a bit. "And I was having a bad dream, too." Still not entirely a lie. Hearing the same sounds that Leon made back when they found him tends to have him relive it, but in different ways. Sometimes Leon runs away, sometimes they find him too late. Stahn hugs him a bit closer.

Leon relaxes, and his breath evens out bit by bit. "...Then I guess it can't be helped," he concedes and tries to subtly dry his eyes.

Stahn smiles. "Thanks." And they both work at falling back asleep.

As Leon's on the cusp of sleep, Stahn whispers, "it's alright to tell me when you have one, too."

Leon knocks the back of his head into Stahn's chin. "Shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Something somewhere in Stahn is running or struggling like crazy, and he wonders if this is what 'phantom limb syndrome' is like. As Leon clutches his sheath tighter in his restless sleep, Stahn laments that the best he can do is heat up to keep him warm.

Chapter Text

It came to me one day. I never really found out who I am along that journey. I'm me, and I know me, but who is that? Y'know?

I still don't really know. Thinking about it doesn't really get me anywhere. I'm still just me, and I do me things. I don't know if it really bothers me much, but I guess it bothers me enough to notice it.

But this 'me' did gain something—something that I don't know how to separate from.

I miss you.

If someone was writing a little profile on me, it'd have to be in there.

'Stahn Aileron, age 21, 170 or so centimeters, likes meat buns, misses Leon'

Even though it wasn't for all that long, you're still here with me. Scorched into me.

I don't get the chance to forget about you. There's pieces of the life you could have had, scattered all around me. Your family. (I'd be a part of your family now, too. Is that surprising?)

But even without them, I feel like I'd always be carrying your memory along. During everyday life, I find myself thinking things like, 'I wonder if Leon would like this?' It used to hurt a lot. I'd get really sad after those thoughts came in. It doesn't hurt as much anymore, and I can even laugh a little bit if I imagine your reaction.

I wonder what it'd be like to stop thinking about you? To stop missing you. But it happens so often that I don't know if I'd still be me without you.

You're a part of me, now.

You're a part of who I am.

Is it alright to want it to stay that way?

Would you be upset? Maybe you'd tell me it's stupid to waste time thinking about what dead people think. Maybe.

I think you'd probably say that, but you'd actually be happy; that someone—that a lot of someones—still remember you even as time keeps passing by.

So I want to keep this. If you're not here to tell me yourself, I want to keep missing you, no matter where or how long my road takes me.

Chapter Text

The first time they share a bed after getting together, Leon wonders about the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale. Stahn isn't usually the picture of beauty while he sleeps—snoring mouth breather that he is—but he's a bit more peaceful this morning with an arm still flung out and trapped under Leon's neck from last night.

Feeling confident that Stahn won't wake up, Leon sits up and hovers over him. Slowly, he leans down to place a small, brief kiss on his lips.

Surprisingly, Stahn's eyelids flutter open. Leon turns away in embarrassment. Stahn sleepily says good morning, stretching and sitting up, unaware.

It doesn't work every morning, and Leon can't quite bring himself to try when Stahn's drooling. But he does secretly try most mornings when there's nobody to see.

Stahn eventually asks how Leon gets him up those mornings. Leon tries to dodge it, just deflecting with "who knows." Stahn unintentionally has to corner him to get him to answer, and when he gets it, he blushes, smiles, and asks if that makes Leon his Prince.

Leon sputters then watches in stunned silence as Stahn takes his hand and kisses the back of it. "That's how you pledge your loyalty to royalty, isn't it?"

"To... To the King, not a Prince!"

"Oh, well. Close enough."

Chapter Text

At some point, Stahn starts talking about the future. Asks Judas what he plans to do once they're done and they only have normal person problems to worry about again. Judas gives a vague and curt noncommittal answer and hopes the conversation stops there. But Stahn keeps going. Talks about how nice it'll be to be back home, helping with the orphanage and raising his family and being around Rutee. Judas can't help but feel envious.

And then Stahn starts filling in gaps. If Judas doesn't have any plans, he can just come home with him. He may not have a place as a knight anymore, but the town guard always needs skilled hands. Besides just seeing Rutee again, and meeting Kyle and all the kids, it'd be great to have him around as part of the family. And when Kyle is old enough, they could even go on a trip together.

He misinterprets Judas's silence, saying that if he wants to keep traveling and be a mercenary or something, that's fine too. That he'll still always have a home and a family ready and waiting.

But of course, Judas doesn't have a future. Yet another moment in his life where so much of what he's wanted is right in front of him, yet so far out of reach.

Stahn continues happily planning their hypothetical future. Judas wishes he could enjoy fantasizing about all of it, but all he can do is quietly mourn and try to keep it together. What a unique torture.

Maybe he makes the easy choice and starts actively lying, letting Stahn get carried away thinking everything will be alright. Or maybe he can't deflect his way out of it, and that's how Stahn notices something is wrong.

Chapter Text

Leon being a little out of sorts right after recovering the Eye. Not really sure what's wrong, but feeling... off.

With a bit of excitement because of what it would mean, Chal suggests that he's lonely.

Leon says that doesn't make sense at all; he's back home, he's seeing Marian everyday, and Chal is there as always. How could he possibly be lonely?

"We were with the same people for a pretty long time this time, weren't we? And now they're not around."

"Are you trying to say I miss that lot? Don't be stupid."

But he does. Even if he's still busy and being sent all across the country, it's different now without the others to keep him company annoy him. He doesn't value Chal any less, but it's... different with just the two of them. And it's difficult to find reasons to visit anyone, and awkward for it to be one-on-one and under such circumstances. So he can't even really reach out to anyone.

"Stahn will probably make things feel a bit more lively once he's back. Don't be too down."

"Who cares about that guy..."

"Ah... yeah, who indeed."

Chapter Text

Something sparked in his chest when Kyle mentioned visiting his hometown. Despite his better judgment, he follows the group into Cresta. He wants to see them, even if he doesn't want them to see him. He needs to see them.

He doesn't recognize Rutee right away, as she's bent to pick up a child from where they lay fallen on the pavement, lecturing them for running around recklessly. He passes them as she rights herself, and halts as her words do.

He could bolt. He could run away and not deal with it.

But he doesn't.

The child runs off, lesson already forgotten. One of his old names falls from her lips and he lets her turn him around.

For a moment, it's almost everything he feared it would be. Her expression is so many things all at once. It's all shattered, however, as her arms are flung around him. It's a warmer welcome than he ever could have hoped for. He lets himself touch her shoulders.

But the tears sliding down his suit are too much. Far too much for this to just be a reunion, even under their unique circumstances.

That worry drops down along with his heart as she's the one to apologize.

He's brought to the orphanage, her left hand tugging him along by his right as if he'll disappear again. It strikes him as odd that she would still be living there, since she's built a family of her own outside of it. But he supposes it'd be just like the two of them to continue to extend their unique kindnesses past the desire for privacy.

She stops them before a closet door, her right hand resting on the handle as her lip quivers.

Before he can ask what they're doing, Rutee steels herself and opens the door. A few coats of varying sizes are pushed aside, along with cleaning supplies and a box or two. As she finds what she's looking for, and pulls a bundle of two very familiar colors out from the back of a forgotten shelf, he belatedly feels the lack of a ring on her hand.

She lets go of his hand to hold and present the neatly folded fabrics to him. On the bottom, a pink cape with the two royal blue lenses centered nicely within view on the top. Atop it, carefully not obscuring those adornments, a slimmer purple cape.

He glances back up to her face, hoping—begging to be misunderstanding—but there's no room for it in her expression. It's just as it looks.

He doesn't realize he's reached out for the two garments until they're already in his arms, held delicately against his chest that simultaneously feels empty and full of lead that might make his knees give out.

'Why?' he doesn't ask aloud. 'This isn't how it was supposed to go.'

None of it is, is it?

Together, Judas and Rutee bury what's left of Leon Magnus and Stahn Aileron in the garden outside the orphanage.

Chapter Text

Their goodbyes are hurried and clumsy. Even though they all already feel the gravity of their impending loss running down their cheeks, Stahn is sure it'll only get heavier in the coming days.

But right now, there truly isn't time to fully process it. They turn and hurry to put as much distance between themselves and the Eye of Atamoni as possible.

Stahn stops frozen well before the room's exit.

His eyes won't leave the form on the far end of the room.

"Stahn, what are you doing?! We need to go!" Rutee calls out to him.

He moves without answering, running as fast as his legs can carry him toward the body he had gently lowered to the floor earlier. He doesn't stop to check anything, scooping underneath the knees and back as Rutee continues screaming for him to stop. He stumbles, trying to find his new center of balance to avoid them both tumbling to the floor. Once he's steady and running again, he's surprised to find Rutee at his side instead of waiting ahead.

"Idiot! What are you hoping to accomplish?! He's dead!!" Desperation leads her voice to shrieking, but Stahn doesn't budge—can't budge, at this point. Even if he dropped his charge and continued running, he'd trip and fall under the new balance.

With nothing for either of them to do about his last-minute decision, they carry on.

Safely aboard the Draconis, still panting and cradling Leon's cold body, he can't quite comprehend the way the others are looking at him. Pity? Sympathy? Disbelief?

He wonders what face he himself is making.

He left for the captain's room without waiting for questions. He didn't know how to explain himself yet. He doesn't know why he did it yet. Hopefully the gears of his mind will unstick enough to find the reason before they land.

For now, he brings them to the bath, the reason for his choice of rooms. He lays Leon upright in the basin.

For a fleeting moment, he'd thought to beg Rutee to try healing him, but she would have already if she could. They're all without the magic their now missing companions had lent them, and there was nothing she could do for him even if Atwight was still with them.

He knows it's pointless, but he digs around in his pack for any healing items anyway. His hand closes around a single life bottle. He opens it and tilts Leon's head and the bottle back.

Shortly after the bottle is emptied, something between a sob and a laugh rips from him as bits of the liquid uselessly trickle out from the wound in Leon's stomach. The one Stahn had given him.

And Leon's body is still. No inhuman jerking, no groaning pleas. Maybe that much is a good thing. What was left of Leon had sounded... miserable. He doesn't think he could handle it if he needed to take Leon's life for a third time. The scene still plays in his mind anyway, making him bite a sore into his lip and flex his hands until the phantom feeling of a neck between them goes away.

Stahn sets the faucet to cold, then lowers himself down beside the basin.

As soon as his legs are no longer holding his weight, he realizes how exhausted he is. The adrenaline has faded and he doesn't think he could stand back up if he wanted to.

The white noise of the faucet feels like it's helping bring him at least a little bit of clarity. He removes his gloves and sets them aside before leaning on the rim.

It feels morbid to watch the water rise around Leon's body, given everything. But he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know how his body was being preserved, and the ship doesn't have a freezer. What is he going to do with the body once they land? Would Marian want the closure of a funeral? Would Rutee? Would he? Where would Leon want to be buried? Would Leon even want to be buried, or would he want cremated?

Is he even presentable enough for a funeral? There's wounds, from one fight, two fights, maybe even more from whatever was done to make Leon... that way, and yet the water is mostly clear. The only blood is from loosened stains on his clothes. He's been bled dry.

There was more magic back during the war, wasn't there? Stahn wonders if there's ever been a magic strong enough to heal something like this.

The water is close to overflowing before he turns the faucet off.

Leon's eyes are half-lidded and empty. That's almost always how it is, for human and sheep alike. On Leon's face, it looks foreign yet familiar. He remembers Leon as having a smoldering fire behind his eyes, but the last time Stahn had seen him as himself, he saw those embers burn out in resignation. He truly doesn't look much different from that time. He wonders if his memories are wrong—if Leon's eyes had always displayed his troubles and he had just never noticed.

"I'm sorry," Stahn whispers hoarsely. But there's nothing left to apologize for. He'd already done his mourning and circling around could-haves and should-haves. And it's not like Leon could hear him recite it all yet again.

Leon's skin is pale. He was always lighter than Rutee, but now he seems a mere shade darker than paper. Stahn reaches for a cloth, wetting it and gently wiping away the smudges of dirt and blood left on Leon's face. Once he's clean, he resembles a porcelain doll. A very tired one.

Stahn puts the cloth down and reaches out to touch Leon's face, and his chest clenches at how cold he is. The water can't even be blamed for it yet. He thinks it might be the first time he's touched Leon's skin, too. Any time before, he was wearing his gloves. It feels... wrong. Being waterlogged probably has something to do with it. That's not something he has experience with.

It's something new to mourn.

He bites his lip and dips his arm into the water to take Leon's hand, holding it with both of his as his shoulders tremble. They only got to shake hands once. He still has dreams about Leon not giving up, not retracting his hand, grabbing and taking his fate into his own hands from the one Stahn had offered. Leon's hand is warm in those dreams. Warm, strong, and firm.

It's so very cold against his face.

Chapter Text

Once more, there's earth held strong at his back and water climbing up his legs.

Once upon a time, he said his futile goodbyes with a complacent heart.

Once upon a time, he apologized to his dearest companion with a bitter smile as he laid himself down.

Now, he holds the steel close against his heart, content and unbothered by his choice.

Something will live on, as it should have.

He won't be around to see the unknown future he's created. Maybe it'll have one less person in it than he remembers, or maybe it'll pivot on its axis to sprout something new.

"See you on the other side, Emilio," Chal whispers tenderly as the water tickles his neck.

"See you," he responds, nuzzling against the hilt.

They don't know what awaits them there. Maybe it's Hell and eternal damnation for all the sins they've committed in others' names. Maybe it's freedom, wandering the world as spirits. Maybe it's oblivion. Or maybe it's Heaven, and the future really will pivot, and they'll be reunited with everyone they've ever lost not only as who they are today, but as who they were in countless yesterdays as well.

He'd like to think so. No, he's pretty sure.

Water fills his lungs, but he never stops smiling even as it burns and human instinct screams to fight it.

Then his body finally relaxes, and he feels like he's merely falling asleep.

'I'll be there soon,' he promises to the bright face in his mind, excited to finally take his hand.

Chapter Text

The rotation of tasks changing out who gets to say "I'm back" and "Welcome back" each day... (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝)

Leon's used to hearing Marian welcome him back, to the point that his old feelings had never fluttered over it. It feels different, to see Stahn look up from whatever he'd been doing, be it an indoor chore or if he'd been taking the day to rest, calling back to him with an easy smile, "welcome back." It's one of the few things Stahn even reflexively does in his sleep, if he's nodded off. The words come out in a sleepy crumple without waking up. Is it because it's new? A different voice saying it? It becomes a warm feeling.

He's never gotten the chance to be the one on the other end, though, so he forgets the first time. Stahn finds him and calls again, slowly and deliberately, "I'm ba-ack," and smiles expectantly until Leon realizes and quietly replies, "...welcome back." It feels surprisingly good, and comes easier as the days go on. He might even catch his own lips turned up a few times.
(Still not really aware of the nature of his feelings quite yet, it'd be something that makes Stahn's heart skip a beat.)

And there's a unique charm to saying "I'm back" with Stahn as they both enter, too. By the time his stay is over, Lilith feels like family too, and he even misses her greeting them.

And at least once, he even catches himself saying "home" instead of "back".

Chapter Text

Alright, hear me out, soulmate AU where it's the first words spoken to you, and the mark is present from birth, with no standard placement for it aside from the placement being roughly the same on the soulmates.

Leon goes his life thinking he doesn't have a soulmate, since nobody could find a mark on him. Marian truly doesn't have one, so there's the excuse for why he's still about her.

Stahn knows he has one, but vaguely says he'd never be able to figure out who it is.

And now I loop around to Lip, the oneshot where Leon gets punched in the mouth.
(And I bypass any emotional depth by assuming this would be quick with only bare descriptions but just kept going longer anyway)

As Stahn's stubbornly helping clean Leon's lip, he notices it. On the inside of his lower lip, although it's heavily distorted by veins and the split he's cleaning, 'I'm no idiot!'

At first, he laughs. That's a silly set of words for Leon's body to say. Then he recognizes it as a soul mark. Tells Leon about it, who, despite not bothering to remember anyone's first words, quickly remembers their first encounter and vehemently denies it. No way. He must have made plenty of people say those words. And... Marian certainly isn't one of them...

Stahn pulls on the corner of his mouth to show the inside of his cheek. The words are too small and numerous to read more than a few. Neither remember exactly what words Leon had said, but they do remember he'd said quite a lot of them before his first sentence was complete. (The only reason Stahn knew he had his in his mouth was because he yawns so openly and Lilith noticed it.)

Leon still refuses. No. Absolutely not. That tiny fluttering wriggling in his chest he'd been unable to identify lately was not because of Stahn.

Stahn pesters him about it off and on through the rest of the mission, and is open about how he's been feeling—that he hadn't thought about it as such before, but maybe this urge to be close to Leon that he's had since they met might make more sense this way. He makes the effort to reach out even more than he already had been, generally trying to get closer.

Leon fights against it every step of the way, trying to avoid them being alone, but that's kind of impossible with them being the only men of the group for most of the mission.

By the time they're standing across from each-other in Darilsheid, Stahn asks if Leon really hasn't felt anything this whole time. Leon immediately denies it, but Stahn points out there's hardly been a time that Leon wasn't blushing around him ever since that day. That has to mean something, right?

Leon quietly tells him he'll think about it. That he'll have an answer for him by the time he comes back.

[Bonus: The abandoned WIP version where I tried and failed to flesh it out]

[...] Then he recognizes it as a soul mark. He tries to remember the first words he's said to everyone. Still holding and staring at Leon's lip.

"What are you doing?!" Leon demands, trying to jerk away. "You're making my skin crawl with your staring!"

Stahn ignores him, still thinking. "Do you remember everyone's first words?"

Leon bats his hand away. "Of course not. Why would I bother to remember something like that? I don't have a mark."

"Yeah you do," Stahn corrects him plainly, pointing to his own lower lip. "Right here."

... Alright. That'd explain why nobody ever found it. "...So what does it say?" His pulse spikes as he tries to remember literally anyone's first words to him. He truly can't remember any.

Stahn doesn't answer yet, seeming to chew on his left cheek. Should he say it? He's pretty sure he remembers saying it when they met, but... He chuckles sheepishly. Now that he thinks about it, those have probably been his first words to more than one person. "'I'm no idiot'..."

That's—no. "Don't lie to me," Leon growls. He turns around in the chair to face the small mirror and pull his lip down to see.

Stahn scratches his head awkwardly as Leon confirms it for himself. "I wouldn't lie about something like that..."

Leon hangs his head. "No. No way." He turns back around and surges out of the chair, grabbing Stahn by the jaw and yanking him and his lip down.

"Hey, I'd 'how you if you'hh huss as'!"

"Quiet." Leon's eyes scan across the area, finding... "There's nothing." He sighs in relief.

Before he can let go and back away, Stahn reaches up to tug at the corner of his mouth. "Ih's on my 'heek."

This is way further inside anyone's mouth than Leon's ever wanted to look, but curiosity keeps him from looking away. There's definitely words there, if he looks hard enough, but he can't read any of them; they're too small, and... numerous.

Stahn lets his cheek go. "You can't read it, right? That's why I said I'd never be able to find them."

"I said be quiet," Leon pulls and tries to invert as much of Stahn's cheek as he can, ignoring the pained 'ow's as his nails dig in. Stretching the skin, he can just barely make out the word 'idiot' in there.

Chapter Text

"I like you."
You don't mean it. Nobody actually means that when they say it except Marian and Chal. You're just as simple and surface level as everyone else.

"I like you."
You can't, right? Nobody can, except them. If you see past the surface, you'll realize it's impossible. Even if you want to, you can't. You can't.

"I like you."
I don't understand why. Like a stupid, loyal dog that doesn't know any better, wagging your tail no matter what I say or do to you.

"I love you."
I don't understand how. How are you so genuine? How can you say something like that so honestly and openly? It feels like an abuse of language—something said so easily can't be true, but... I want it to be.

"I love you."
It feels like too much. Like there's a balloon in my chest trying to carry me away, and you're almost not heavy enough to keep me grounded.

"I love you."
It's more than I've heard even from them. How can you be on their level? How did you sneak in so close as to steal a piece of me without me noticing? So incomplete that I fill in the gaps with words about you to people who didn't even ask.

"I love you."
You want me to want you, and I want you to keep wanting me. Even if I can't say it myself, I want to let you know before time makes fools of us, but you probably already know. You always know more than I'd like. I wonder if you know just how much this feeds me.

...I want you to tell me again. Tell me until I want you to stop me. Because it doesn't matter how large this feeling is for either of us—I won't ever forsake her. Do you love me enough to put me out of this misery?

"I love you."
Even with a blade to your throat. Even with everything I've said, tearing out every vile thing I've ever done, all to show you why you shouldn't, and why I can't. I can't.

"I love you."
...but I do. Enough to want to trust you when you say it. Enough to trust you. Enough to trust you with her life. Enough to take your hand.

"I love you."
Reminding me around rapids, reminding me safely in the air, reminding me on solid ground as the reality of it all sinks in, reminding me that this trust borne of love will never be betrayed—will be the tailwind that sees us to victory.

"I love you."
There's more comfort in those words than I even notice; calming me when I worry too much, because somehow, somehow, despite everything... it all really does turn out alright with you. You've never given me a reason to doubt you, so eventually... I just don't. I let myself be led onward by the hand that only knows light, unafraid of tarnishing it.

I once told you that we don't need pointless noise, and I do enjoy the comfortable silence we have when there's nothing to talk about, or when we're exhausted. But now, if it's quiet for too long, I become anxious. I've grown to want to hear it more and more. Still without saying it myself, I verbally ask to hear it again, and again, and again. "Tell me every day, until I'm sick of it, until I can't believe otherwise." Tell me until I would never need to hear it ever again to believe it, until I stop wanting to lash out at people who are too close to you, until I stop feeling like you're taking me away from what matters. Tell it to my ears, my eyes, my mouth, my whole body. Tell me until I'm full, until I'm never cold again.

I wanted to say it to her before, and the words always bubbled right under the surface. I wonder if it'll feel good to finally say it, but to you? If I could say it as freely as you do, as freely as I feel it.

Chapter Text

The kiss breaks with a gasp, and a shuddering call, "Leon..." Leon opens his eyes at least, dazedly questioning. There's only his name, whispered again above his ear. "Leon..."

"What?" he prompts, reaching up to try and steady the arm shakily roving his upper back.

"Leon," this time reverently breathed below his ear, "Leon," and murmured against his neck like a prayer.

"Hey, I asked—"

"Leon," nuzzled again and again into his chest, arms wrapped tight around him with an awkwardly hunched spine until he's backed into the bed, where his lowered guard sees him falling on his back with Stahn continuing to insist against his sternum. "Leon..."

There's no move for anything else—just a man reminded and terrified of what almost was, and trying hard to appreciate and keep what is.

Leon sighs, arms coming up to cradle Stahn's head against him and pet through his hair, feeling warmed yet so guilty with every call of his name. Even though the worst is behind them, there's still moments like this.

There's so much in these syllables, inspired by him, all for him to greedily soak in—and yet the desperate hold around him speaks of such a deep wound he's inflicted. He wonders if he'll ever be able to heal it.

Chapter Text

I can't see, but I can feel. And I feel angry. So, so, so angry. It's faded over time, letting my head clear enough to think instead of just act. But it still simmered, and was what fueled me and kept me from laying in bed all day when there were too many reminders. Even now, there's still some left on the worst days, but right now it's back in full force.

I can feel myself shaking, can feel my hands pushing on metal—armor?—so hard that it bends and caves. The welding of the gorget snaps. Belts are torn, letting the pauldrons be thrown aside. Something shatters under my fist.

I'm shouting, and I don't know what the words are, but I know what I mean by them. In too many messy words, I want back everything that's been taken from us, I want the world to be made to act fairly. I ask why it isn't, why didn't you—

"Why did you let this happen?"

My vision clears, and I see white. White, blue, gold, and fragments of purple.

My armor.

Myself? I'm angry at myself?

Ah.

I should be, shouldn't I? The world may be at peace now, but at what cost? It didn't have to come so late. If I'd just...

My hands move upward, wrapping around a throat.

Maybe if I'd stayed in Darilsheid. Maybe if I hadn't listened to him. Maybe if I hadn't given him a choice and just forced him. Maybe if I fought him the way he wanted me to—anything to just get him out of the way faster, maybe we could have stopped everything from falling apart before it started.

My hands squeeze, and the sound and sensation is sickening. Wet, slimy, slippery—something oozing out around my fingers.

And the groaning gasp makes my heart stop and drop out of my chest.

I can't breathe.

Slowly, I look up over the shattered lens of my gorget, past the neck of my breastplate. The throat in my hands is thick—thicker than it should be—with milky-yellow fluid wrung from it and soaking through the lavender turtleneck.

No.

It's wrong. He's all wrong.

Leon's skin is marbled off-white, yellow, brown, red, and purple, 

sloughing,

and so hideously bloated.

His eyes are swollen shut, but he still tries to tilt his head down to me.

"Are you going to kill me yet again?"

He coughs, but the water comes from my mouth—my lungs, washing away the foul liquid around his throat.

He laughs bitterly, even though my hands haven't let go. Why can't I let go?

I look, and my hands are bare—not my hands—

I wake up hacking, feeling like I might be sick. Lilith is up the ladder and rubbing my back before I realize I stopped breathing again. I try to shudder my way through several gasps, trying to calm down enough to—

—to see. No, no, no, the last time I couldn't see, I—Leon—I—

"—Brother!" Lilith turns my head. "Wake up—breathe."

Lilith.

Lilith is in front of me.

My bed is beneath me, on top of wood, on top of earth.

I breathe.

Lilith is in front of me, terrified.

"You awake?" she asks, gently. I nod, and she lets out a relieved breath she'd been holding. "You've never had a nightmare like that. That I've seen."

"Never," I agree, feeling my heart gradually slow from what felt more like vibrating. But it'd be a lie to say I never had them. "Never that bad."

What in the world did that mean? I was angry, at everything that had happened, at everyone who made it happen. I was angry at myself, which is nothing new. I've lost count of how many times I've thought I should blame myself, but...

Leon.

Was I angry at Leon?

How? How could I be mad at him? It wasn't his fault. It was mine—ours—Mictlan's. It was only Mictlan's.

...What was? What was his fault?

I look at my hands in my lap; bare, but mine, not...

not Leon's.

...

Am I really blaming Leon now? For the pieces of the land that we'll never get back? For the people caught up in it? For the lives ruined? For...

for losing Leon.

"Hey... Do you want to talk about it?"

I gasp back into reality. Lilith looks scared again. "Not tonight," I whisper. "I don't know how to right now." But I want to. I don't want to hurt her, and I know I'd be hurt if she hid her worries from me.

"Okay..." She lingers, hand still on my back, and probably cramping from standing on the ladder all this time. "Well... You know where to find me," she tries to laugh. "When you're ready, or if you just need a shoulder."

It's been a long time since either of us needed comforting from nightmares. Long enough that we were both able to fit on the top bunk without it creaking under our combined weight.

I nod and try to smile reassuringly, letting her know I understood. She smiles back and climbs back down the ladder to settle back into bed.

I lay back down, trying to work through my thoughts, and when that doesn't work, try to fall back asleep. I don't know how long I've been trying when I find myself climbing down the ladder to crawl in next to Lilith like when we were kids. She sleepily pats my head and hums a lullaby.

That night, Lilith falls asleep to the unconscious murmurs of the name she'd heard so many times months ago; a name she's growing to want to curse.

Chapter Text

Back in Darilsheid once the Eye has been recovered. What use are all the guest rooms of a mansion if they're left empty? It seems obvious that they'd be put up for the duration of their stay, which would probably be surprisingly long to account for all the official talks that need to happen, agreement on where to hide the Eye, preparations for it, travel back to Phandaria for it, and more official talks, and preparations for sending everyone home.

On the final night, Stahn invites himself to Leon's room, wanting to make the most of the time they have left before everyone goes their separate ways. Sits on Leon's bed while Leon stays at his desk from where he'd been reading. They talk about how it'll go when Stahn comes back later, what to expect from all of it, and Leon postures a bit. Stahn turns to lounging on the left side of the bed while they talk, and even though he tries really hard to stay awake to spend more time together, he eventually dozes off while saying working together sounds like it'll be fun.

Leon's annoyed that Stahn fell asleep in his bed, and he can't even wake him up since the shock tiara's been removed. Oh well. It can't be helped. What's one more bed shared together?

But it's different. That's not a nondescript, cheap inn's bed. That's his bed. This is his room.

It's difficult to sleep. There's something about seeing Stahn so relaxed in his space, that he's been living in for years, like he belongs there. ... And, subconsciously just like Stahn, he doesn't want this to end yet.

Leon's still the first awake in the morning, though much later than usual. He's just in time to intercept a maid that's been knocking on the door to the room Stahn was supposed to be in, making not-exactly-excuses about how they'd never be able to wake Stahn up anyway. He's not in time to then intercept Marian from her usual routine of changing his bed sheets. He's a little too mortified to think of any excuse to tell her, but she doesn't ask. Just says she'll leave it for today while smiling just a little bigger than is polite. At least there's nobody watching when Stahn eventually leaves Leon's room.

Marian's discovery turns out to be something of a blessing and a curse. When the day is over and it's just Leon and Chal again, and he lays down to sleep, he pauses. The sheets still smell like Stahn. They're not warm like they were with him under them. It feels a little more real now—that everyone's gone. He's been away from Marian countless times, but it's a different feeling to be back in his own bed and feeling lonely. It wasn't for very long, but this familiar room—and even the whole manor—feels emptier than it should be. His conscious thoughts are about how ridiculous it all is, but in the back of his mind as he falls asleep on the left side of the bed, he wonders if Stahn could stay again every once in a while when he comes back.

Chapter Text

Blue boots are removed and set aside in the sand, and white fabric clings to his legs as he wades out into the ocean. When the less gentle waves are able to crash almost up to his waist, he stops.

Most of the group sleeps as soundly as they can under the circumstances, but he can feel eyes on him from the coast, from those as restless as he is.

He can see a little bit of the moon from here, peeking through one of the holes of the crust. The web almost blends in with the night sky above it, choking out the weaker light of the stars. He misses them. It's harder to sleep outside when there isn't the futile task of counting them all. It's a missing piece of nature's beauty that's added to his towering pile of reasons.

Somewhere above him is another, and behind him are even more.

He lifts a wet hand to the clasp of his cape, undoing it and pulling it from his shoulders. He cradles it in his arms like one would a body, and gently lowers it into the water.

What feels like a lifetime of effort is held inside of it, and the hands that held it out for him on so many mornings has him hesitate to let it go. To let go of something like that, even if it's been a pretty shackle, is difficult.

But he does, because he's so tired of suffocating under it, and he doesn't think he can give his all tomorrow under its weight.

Leon Magnus is laid to rest at sea, just as his father wanted.

Emilio is warmly welcomed back to the campfire by his new family.

Chapter Text

Their time together in Phandaria hadn't been long enough for Woodrow to really grasp Stahn's sleeping... not habits, but affliction, as the others called it. He'd fall asleep quickly and easily—sometimes even while standing upright—and was supposedly notoriously difficult to wake once he fell asleep.

None of that has happened so far, and he's starting to wonder if the others had been lying to see how much he would believe. He'd been kept awake by Stahn's restless tossing and turning last night, until his breath finally evened out around midnight.

The task of waking him today is his, and though he's less inclined to believe the others' accounts now, he still braces himself for the challenge.

All it takes is a soft jostle of his shoulder and quiet call, "it's time to wake up." Stahn's eyes open, still dazed with dreams, and his lips tug upward for a moment before turning down. He quickly turns over and away. "Stahn, we have to get going."

"I'm up," Stahn's voice is strained and high, "thanks. I'll get ready soon." There's a hitch and waver. "Go ahead, I'll catch up."

He's familiar enough with the sound from Chelsea's attempts at a brave front. It's only been a few days since the incident, and he remembers his own nightly torture directly after the rebellion well enough to recognize them both right away.

"Of course," he says kindly, exiting the inn room almost quickly enough to avoid hearing the dam break. He sighs in sympathy and wonders if it had been a nightmare or a sweet lie of a different future. Either way, it wouldn't be abnormal for them to persist well into and past their current burden.

Philia nearly looks like she'll cry too when she asks if he was able to wake Stahn and he tells her he'd woken easily. It's proof enough that he's not sleeping as he normally does.

Stahn isn't so far up the hill of grief that anyone would expect him to even pretend to be fine, and when he joins them not too long later, he certainly doesn't look like it. He still sounds congested, and it's clear that anger is still what's carrying him.

The following mornings aren't much different, and eventually Woodrow reaches out. He shares a couple of his own subconscious's illusions and Stahn asks when it stops.

His last wasn't long before they'd joined back up. "...I'll have to get back to you on that." And he knows that Chelsea still has them every once in a while even years after her darkest days so far, so he isn't very much looking forward to the journey of finding out.

And clearly neither is Stahn, scrubbing fingers through his hair in frustration.

Chapter Text

Leon takes the role of rear guard by necessity—mainly and publicly to ensure that those of the group who are still technically captives are within sight at all times; but also for the discretion of his own shameful condition.

He muffles a wheezing cough with his elbow and brushes the evidence away to the dusty road.

He's hidden it well since it developed three years ago. The first tightly curved white petal was easily mistaken for an abnormal grain of rice disgustingly caught in his throat. When they persisted well past any meal time, and he recognized them as trefoil petals, it felt like his heart dropped out of his chest.

"You're my precious Emilio..."

How cruel, to have finally allowed her warmth to spread to the last, deepest reaches of his heart—to go through so many days working up the courage to tell her how she's become everything to him; to sell the world to his devil of a father in exchange for just a little more time with her—only to be rejected before he could even speak.

He'd wanted to lash out, but not at her. She's already given him so much, been his one ray of light, and endured his storms. This was not her fault, and not her burden to carry. Chal, encouraging to a fault, had tried to come up with excuses even as he actively added to the pile of petals he was sweeping up, and became the target of his heartbroken frustrations. He doesn't think he ever apologized, having sunk even deeper into the pit of despair with the vial of Finley's poison still burning in his pocket.

Well. It was better to know, he supposed. They can spend their last days together as they always have, without risking what love she does have for him. Nobody was long for this world anymore, so it's not like the disease would have the time to kill him, either.

Since then, so many petals have been gathered and swept into envelopes thrown into the hearth for the most discrete disposal. None question the contents of a letter being burnt.

It hasn't been easy to hide them under his current conditions. He's used to working alone, spending most of his time with only Chal at his side. Supervising three—now four—other people around the clock has afforded him nary a moment to himself. He's mostly safe while they travel on foot, but the harsher attacks that have him unable to suppress the hacking cough have nearly revealed him. Crouching to the ground and pulling his cape around him to contain and veil the mix of petals and blooms, claiming to have inhaled dust or insects, has worked the two times he's had to lie.

But he's caught a pitying look on Rutee's face at least once before she could turn away. He'll have to find something to snap at her over to keep her from considering being kind. While what this lot thinks of him ultimately won't matter once they part ways, the thought of them knowing makes him feel even more sick.

It's been so difficult to breathe in the desert air of Calvalese. Between the heat, the humidity of the connecting mountain path, and the flowers in his lungs, he's felt like it might just do him in before he can even make it back to Marian.

So on the return trip through the mountains, when he notices he's not struggling to breathe, he's suitably alarmed. He realizes his throat hasn't felt irritated for the past day or so.

What changed??

"Maybe she's begun to think differently of you?!" Chal suggests excitedly. "Oh, I wonder what changed her mind!"

In the back of his mind, he'd hoped for this day for years, but...

What would it even mean for Marian to love him back at this point? He was already lying to her, but to continue to lie about all he was doing for her sake while basking in the love he'd longed for...

...

His heart is racing, but not like it normally does when he thinks of her. There's no warmth.

He only feels anxiety.

That isn't what he wants to feel as he thinks of her.

He can't make sense of it for any of the time it takes them to reach Cherik.

He finds a welcome distraction in going over strategies with Stahn, like he probably should have at the beginning of this mission. Maybe if he had, Stahn wouldn't have had to risk himself. They have more synergy than he would have imagined, bringing encounter lengths down by nearly a third. There's a sense of security when Stahn leads their path, holding enemy attention long enough for Leon to weave in from behind him to more easily cut everything down. If it ever isn't enough, their attention is usually torn between the two of them, where Stahn delivers the heavy, finishing blow. That kind of victory is satisfying in a way he isn't used to.

Nights after they've set up camp find them sparring, keeping his mind further occupied. Stahn can't offer him much of a challenge yet, but he takes any advice seriously. There's untapped potential, and it annoys Leon. He'd learned a while ago of Stahn's grandfather's recognition and high standing within Seinegald's military before retiring, and Stahn's goal was supposedly to follow in his footsteps to become a knight; so for Stahn to be this far below Leon's level even now makes him wonder just what Thomas was thinking when he might have trained Stahn.

They go a little too long into the night, and accidents happen. Through a combination of them losing footing in the sand, fatigue, and misaimed and underestimated force, Stahn ends up taking a not insignificant slash to his arm. Leon's focus sharpens and he immediately tends to it. He's embarrassed at the lapse in competence that allowed Stahn to be injured again. The wound isn't only his fault, he knows, but as the more experienced swordsman, he still feels the misstep reflects poorly on him. He doesn't admit as much, though.

"It feels different from Rutee's," Stahn observes with a shade of wonder, watching as the skin slowly knits back together.

"Yes, I know it's not as good." And now he feels a bit sore about it. He shouldn't—his focus on learning healing spells only lasted long enough to learn one for convenience, and that had been more than enough for how he conducted himself. Now, though, with a mess of his own making to rectify, he feels inadequate. "You'll have to be patient."

"No, it's not that. It feels different."

"I don't know what that means." He stops the flow of magic abruptly. "Does it not feel right?" He's seen broken bones need to be re-broken to properly heal. This is only a flesh wound, but an improperly healed injury isn't worth risking.

"No, no," Stahn quickly assures him. With reluctance, Leon resumes. "It's not as... tingly?"

"Tingly?"

"Yeah. I guess Rutee's kinda numbs it a bit?"

Leon scoffs without thinking. Of course he wouldn't have bothered to learn to do that. He'd only learned for healing his own minor wounds, and there was no need to expend more time and energy on comfort. Still, it becomes another point of inadequacy.

"But it doesn't hurt, and it's not as cold." He makes it sound like it isn't a bad thing, at least. "Thanks." It's low and sincere, prompting Leon to look up from his work. He isn't expecting a smile.

Stahn has smiled at him before, in hope of his prodding finally getting him the... normal, human conversation that he'd wanted with Leon, or just seeming happy to peacefully coexist. Recently, it's been even bigger, excited under the attention he was finally getting. But now, it's small, calm... and warm.

Despite that, it feels like too much to look at, so he returns his gaze to the nearly healed cut. He opens his mouth to give some kind of reply, to get rid of that weird sentimental look, but he comes up empty-handed and his mouth is dry, so he closes it and tries to focus on finishing the job.

The desert doesn't feel so cold that night.

He thinks he hid his interest well when Mary mentioned the ice candy stand. If they end up needing to stay in town for the night, he might be able to find time to slip away to look for it.

When they're all waiting for Ilene to return, he considers stepping out. For some air. Definitely nothing else. Before he can start to complain about how stuffy the house is, Rutee announces she's going to see what the ice candy is all about. One by one, the rest of the group decides it sounds like a good idea and way to kill time while waiting.

Stahn invites him along, but the choice has already been made for him. Someone has to stay to wait for Ilene. Even if someone stepped up to volunteer so he could go, taking them up on the offer would just be admitting he wanted the frozen treat.

It leaves Leon stewing in silent frustration. Nothing short of work could get him back on a boat, and he's not likely to be sent back to Fitzgald anytime soon. The stand may not still be in business by the time another mission brings him out here. He probably won't get another chance to try this ice candy thing.

"We'll bring one back for you," Stahn doesn't miss a beat, not even bothering to ask.

But... he can't just accept it. Especially not with everyone's eyes turning to him. Why are they all staring?! Leon avoids eye contact, but doesn't turn away, trying to appear merely irritated. "No need. I'm not interested in sweets."

And like Stahn can see right through him, he grins. "Come on, these things are better together. Have one with us?"

"I just said I don't—" The look on Stahn's face stops him. He seems genuinely excited to share something as simple as food. The insistent, inviting—placating—tone is familiar, and Leon can already hear him bemoaning the refusal later if he doesn't budge. That'd be annoying to put up with for however long it lasts. And. Honestly, who turns down a free gift? It's bad manners, isn't it? With Stahn pressing, and with how long he's already paused, he wouldn't be surprised if Stahn got one for him anyway even if he kept declining.

There's the image of Stahn holding one of the treats out to him, a satisfied smile on his face. What was it he said? It's better to eat them together? He's... never really done something like that before. The infrequent times he's been able to eat dinner with Hugo, even before... It was never what he would call pleasant. Quiet, tense, and discouraged from conversation by curt replies. He still understood the appeal, in theory, and extended invitations for Marian to eat or have tea together. It was the most subtle way he could think of to build upon their bond, but she'd always turned down each offer. Chal may be excited about every new thing he never got to experience as a human, but was it really sharing in the experience if it was only vicarious? He'd... like to see what it's like.

Leon bites his lip and looks just to the side of Stahn's eyes, trying to keep a level, uninterested tone. "Well, if you go out of your way to buy one for me, it's not like I won't eat it."

Stahn nods. "Alright! Then just sit tight, we'll be back." The others lead the group, Stahn following after them after leaving a grin over his shoulder. There's a twitch in Leon's hand, unconsciously almost lifting to wave, but he keeps it at his side.

"Is it really that hot today?" Chal sounds confused.

"It's on the warm side," Leon whispers back, conscious of the staff flitting about. "Why?"

"You're a little flushed. Are you feeling alright??"

It's hot, but it's not that hot. "I'm fine."

"Really?" He sounds unconvinced for a moment, before, "...Oh. Hehe."

"What?"

"Nothing. Hmm~ I hope they get back soon. I want to hear what that ice candy thing is like."

Foolishly and eagerly, Leon does as he was told and waits.

He'd waited for nothing. He'd like to be upset on his own behalf—for that detour of theirs—but there likely wouldn't have been time to make good on those plans anyway with that sudden attack.

Still, the interrogation on Batista was a little cathartic.

As they board the ship to Aquaveil, he almost thinks nothing of the little cough that he usually has in reaction to the sea air, but there's the familiar taste of plant matter. The next cough has something sticking to the inside of his mouth.

He isn't sure what he feels as it weighs on him until he retreats above deck alone.

"I'm so sorry, Young Master..." Chal attempts to comfort him.

No sooner does he remove the petal from his mouth than another wheezing cough brings a puff of more fluttering forth. He covers his mouth and catches them in his hands, feeling even more confused as he examines them.

"I've never heard of it temporarily clearing up. What kind of fluke could that have been...?"

They're the tiniest petals he's ever seen, still white, but they're not curled in the slightest.

"Maybe it's like residue? And you're getting rid of the last dregs! Or something..."

"'Or something'..." Leon mutters warily. He lowers his hands to reveal what he caught.

"Oh, those aren't... those aren't trefoils..." Chal trails off worryingly.

"What does that mean..." It had been getting worse before they temporarily stopped. Is it accelerating?

"Let me see them closer...?"

He brings a hand closer to Chal's core, pulse steadily climbing. What feels like minutes of silence go by before Chal begins mumbling to himself. He lets him until it gets too irritating. "Well?"

"It doesn't make—I don't, uh... Well, maybe it does...?" Chal stammers, like he isn't sure how to word it. "It's not like I'm a flower expert! And there's so many white flowers in the world!"

"Fine! Does the type of flower even matter? It's not the same as before. What does that mean?"

"I'm not a medical expert, either..."

"Chal!" Asking Atwight or Rutee or stopping at a clinic is out of the question.

Chal makes an uncomfortable, frustrated noise. "...Do you think... your feelings have changed at all...?"

The thought feels like ice pricking through his veins. He immediately tries to refute it. "That isn't..."

...isn't what? Possible? Part of him scoffs—of course it's possible; people change every day. But the deepest part of him flinches back, like the thought is outlandish. It's always been Marian. Her and Chal have always been the only good things in his life, ever-enduring. He's always loved her dearly, even before he'd begun grappling with the fantasy of being with her, even when he still listened to his demons' whispers that her kindness was only something she was paid for. It only made sense that his feelings for her would grow, and only continue to grow as time passed. His love for her was not so shallow that it would change with the seasons like the common fool's.

He swallows thickly. "If I stopped loving her, wouldn't the flowers be gone?"

"Most likely, but that's... That's not really what..."

He's had enough of Chal's avoidance. "Just spit it out!"

"Alright, hear me out, uh..." He pauses nervously. "Do you think you might have... started falling for... someone else...?"

"Don't be stupid!" he immediately replies, "Why would that even cross your mind?!"

"Well... You've been getting along well with the others lately. Even though what happened back in Neustadt was so messy, you seemed... alive in a way I haven't seen you before."

[And that's where I left off. Sorry. Here's the bullet points I had written out for myself on how to proceed:

• They find flowering Shepherd's Purse as they camp for the night. Mary identifies it, showing off the cute little heart-shaped seed pods named for the pouches that shepherd's usually wore.
• Rutee asks Stahn if they still carry pouches like that, reminding everyone that Stahn comes from a shepherding family.
• Mary laments however that they've already flowered, so they won't be good for soup.
• Leon. Is having a time. He picks and twirls one of the stems, resenting that even the plant is covered in hearts.]

Chapter Text

I guess in the case of it being based on beliefs, Leon might never develop it for Marian, since he's never believed that it would be one-sided. But that ruins the whole twist of the flowers changing unless it happens later, which I guess works if you plan for Leon to rejoin the party.

But the disease does still know if you're in love, even if you don't. I think the best place for him to develop symptoms would be after Marian indirectly turns him down, and he moves past his romantic feelings for her. He'd consider it a mark of maturity that he didn't develop the disease over her rejection, and she'd be happy about it too. But then, fittingly while he's once again recounting the way he parted ways with Stahn, he starts coughing, and there's the petals.

And he panics. He was so sure he'd let go of his feelings for Marian, why is this happening? And it happened right in front of her. Surely she's going to be disappointed, and put even more distance between them. He doesn't want that, not after they'd established a friendship. He's scared to turn to face her and see her reaction.

She'd be shocked for a moment, too, worried about what to do if they couldn't overcome his infatuation after all, but she recognizes those. She's seen them several times. She was weeding them out of the garden just yesterday.

What was it that he said his friend does again? She's fairly sure she remembers mention of raising sheep.

She peers closer into his cupped hands. "You've retold this story many times since you got back. I would say again, that it seems you enjoyed yourself quite a bit."

He slowly turns to her, confused and no less scared by her words and smile.

"You should visit everyone when you can." She doesn't press too hard about Stahn specifically. "I know you don't like seafaring, but... I think it'd be good for you."

And he can't deny this subtle request, when he's terrified that she'll turn away from him. "...Alright." Even though she doesn't seem upset, he's still worried that maybe this request is meant to get him away from her for a while. Part of him wants to let her lead as she wishes, even if it's a polite evasion that tries to spare his heart. Another is sure that it's all already over anyway—it can't get worse than this, so why not confirm it? That part wins. "...Are you mad?"

If anything, she's happy. She's incredibly happy! Her Emilio has grown enough for his heart to reach out beyond just her and Chaltier. While the flowers of a fatal disease should have her also sick with worry, something about the way he's described his time with that group, with so much focus on this Stahn person who never gave up on him, has her sure that it'll be a short illness if Leon lets it be.

And how she responds may very well sway him one way or the other. She could accidentally spook him away from doing what he should, or send him tumbling down the insecurities he's so sure he doesn't have anymore. She thinks for a long moment, weighing the options. In the end, she decides to be honest. His denial about enjoying his time with who had clearly become his friends has her worried he might not notice even when it's staring him in the face. He needs a push.

She reaches into her pocket to get a handkerchief and begins cleaning the petals from his hands. "I don't think these are for me, Emilio."

"But I've never..." 'loved anyone but you,' he wisely chooses not to finish.

"You've been working so hard lately that you've taken ill. Surely you're due for some time off?" She smiles encouragingly and prompts again, "You should visit your friends. All of them." She doesn't want to alarm him, but... it is fairly important. The clock is ticking now, and every moment he spends not thinking down the correct avenues is dangerous. "It'd set my mind at ease."

He really can't say no or stall it, then. He'd still do anything for her. Through a back-and-forth with Chal, where they consider Marian's intentions, he settles on the right answer: that she wants him to figure out who he's lovesick for that isn't her. It still sounds outlandish, but if she's so sure about it, maybe...

So he does. He secures time off, prepares excuses for why he's visiting, and sets off.

First is the temple to see Philia. He'd found her no less irritating than the others at the start of their journey, but her growth over time is something he respects. She still isn't the most strongly willed person, but she's far from the meek and unsure mess of robes that he'd first met. He can't deny that she's beautiful as well, but nothing about her makes him feel strange. It's just Philia. Mostly harmless Philia. She sees him off, thanking him for the visit and help.

Hers wasn't the only growth he got to see, he recalls. He wonders if Stahn has still been making fast leaps and bounds in his swordsmanship.

Second is Cresta to see Rutee. He sees her with the children and wants to leave her be, but Chal urges him to stay. Marian wanted him to visit everyone. He would have made a smart remark about her having a heart after all, but she'd already shown that to him aboard the Draconis, so instead all that comes out is the observation that she's good with kids. He'd be worried if anything sparked in him over her, and is relieved to conclude his only anxiety is in the secret he's even more inclined to keep now after seeing again how she thrives with the family she found. She looks like she wants to call him out on the weak excuse for his visit, but lets him off the hook. Still, she calls after him, "Tell the others I said hi!" despite him not telling her his plans.

She's not the only one good with children, he recalls. Stahn had immediately known how to distract and cheer up that nearly-orphaned boy. He'd claimed there weren't many children in his home village, and he and his sister weren't that far apart in age, so he wonders where he might have learned to handle kids so well, or if he was just a natural.

Third is Heidelberg to see Woodrow and hopefully Chelsea. He doesn't want to pretend to have gotten lost in the woods only to end up at her grandfather's cabin though he may not even have to pretend. Luckily, they're a package deal as they were when they first met.

He still has quite a bit of envy for Woodrow. Strong, wise, humble, kind, sociable, unflappable, tall, handsome, and skilled at nearly everything he touches. There's few in the world more qualified to hold the position of King, he's sure.

"By the way you describe him, it does kind of sound like you have a crush on him... Chelsea will be mad," Chal teases.

But no. It's only envy for him as an ideal of manhood. He wonders what he'd be like at Woodrow's age. Stahn is likely done growing already, but he's also curious what Stahn might be like at 23; if this journey to see the world and the time he'll spend as a knight will change him at all.

Chelsea... is Chelsea. He doesn't think he'd get anywhere with her even if he could see her as more than a precocious child; she's still head-over-heels for Woodrow, revealing the man's one objective flaw: that he has yet to turn her down properly. Though, from the lack of disease, he wonders if Woodrow intends to wait for her to come of age.

"Or maybe she's in the same position you were with Marian?" Chal blurts out, clearly without thinking. "Uh... Sorry."

As much as he hates being likened to Chelsea of all people, it's a sobering thought. The age difference Chelsea is facing is even the same as that between him and Marian.

They both send him off, along with word to the port that should guarantee him passage to Aquaveil.

Before that, there's still his fourth stop in Cyril to see Mary. Though her head had been stuck annoyingly high in the clouds during most of their time together, she was the easiest to approach. It was refreshing for someone to finally just take him at his word. She was nearly a different person by the time they parted ways, though, and speaking to her now is surprisingly pleasant. Even if he hadn't known her as such for most of their time, she's a married woman, so it'd be troublesome if he found more in her than a competent ally. He supposes she's quite an ideal wife and partner with her memories back, but the only jealousy he feels when Dalis returns home and kisses her forehead is more of a vague longing for the sentiment itself. She sends him off... with lunch.

Come to think of it, she and Stahn had similarities before. Though where Mary would take his word with no questions asked, Stahn seemed to catch on and push whenever there was more he didn't want to say. It was irritating, but... he can't say he didn't get what he actually wanted whenever it happened.

Then he's reluctantly off to his fifth destination to see Johnny. Flowers make a horrible addition to his seasickness. Along the way, he realizes that Mary was the last girl that he would be visiting. The long voyage affords him plenty of time to try to make peace with what that means.

Johnny is as deceptively unbothered with anything as usual. Doing nothing, he says, while his desk houses a skyline of papers. Well, perhaps he really has been doing nothing, if there's that many. Johnny is the type that rubs him exactly the wrong way; hyper-competent yet entirely unreliable. His assumptions are wildly off-mark, and yet... sometimes far too accurate. Certainly a man that few can afford to have as an enemy, but also one he can hardly stand to have as an ally.

During his first sip of tea, Johnny comes right out and asks how long he's been having symptoms, catching him off guard and sending tea down the entirely wrong pipe. He isn't given the chance to deny the accusation as he has to wildly cough to expel the liquid from his trachea, along with tea-soaked petals.

He gets up to leave without another word when Johnny calls after him. "Well, aren't those familiar. We use those in a lot of recipes over here. Ah, what are they called overseas again...? I believe some call them 'mother's heart', but—"

"Sorry to have disturbed you," he grinds out in the nastiest tone he can muster and takes his leave.

"'Mother's heart'..." Chal ponders aloud on their way back to the port, "Marian seemed so sure that these weren't related to her, but..."

"Don't," Leon warns, desperately. He doesn't want to think about that again. He's already confronted his feelings about Marian, and all of the unfortunate implications. He's already agonized over that enough—dreaded seeing Rutee in part because of it—he doesn't need Chal bringing it back up. Besides, he wants to believe in Marian's judgment.

At the same time, this trip has been draining. The sea air helps, but traveling with reduced lung function has been taking its toll. He wants to go home and rest.

"Stahn will be coming back to Darilsheid eventually anyway," he tries to justify to himself as they wait at the docks. "The last letter I sent back to him should have been encouragement enough to end whatever break he seemed to be taking at home. If he's started that journey of his already, how am I supposed to visit him?"

"You never know, he might not have. It's our last two stops anyway, so don't worry about it."

Wait.

They're almost done.

Johnny's brazen (successful) attempts at getting under his skin made him forget why he was here in the first place. He thinks he can safely cross Johnny off the list, but... there's only two left now, and he doesn't have to think at all to be 100% sure that Kongman isn't it.

His heart feels independently heavy from the rest of his tired body by the time they dock at Neustadt. He rents an inn room, thinking he'll be too exhausted by the time he's done here to make decent progress in whatever hours of daylight will be left.

Despite already knowing, he honors Marian's wish and stops at the colosseum to see Kongman. He's brought along on a walk through town against his will, watching him sign autographs and somehow spread inspiration.

On the shabbier side of town, he notices a weed growing out of a crack in the cobblestone. A weed with familiar, tiny petals, and heart-shaped pods along its stalk. He asks Kongman if he knows its name.

"Oh, those're 'shepherd's purse'. They go great in soup. The kids around here call 'em 'mother's heart' to discourage each-other from breakin' the seed pods open."

Of course.

He returns to his room at the inn without bidding farewell, collapsing face-first into the bed and letting out a sigh that feels more like a scream.

"Hmmmmm.... Yeah, I kinda figured..."

"What's that supposed to mean," Leon demands into the mattress.

"Well, it's not like you were close with anyone else."

He pushes himself up to shoot a glare at his hip. "I wasn't close to him, either!"

"You've been thinking about when you held hands before he left almost every day since then."

"We shook hands."

"I don't remember any shaking actually happening..." Chal mutters. "You've been thinking about him this whole trip, too. After each stop, you always had something to say about him even though he's not here."

Leon sputters, face flushing. He'd try to deny it, but they were all thoughts he freely gave along the way to their next stop. "If you've been so sure it's him, why didn't you say anything earlier! This is supposed to be fatal, isn't it?"

"Part of curing this illness is coming to terms with your feelings on your own. Who knows how it'd turn out if you still didn't actually believe it was him even when he says yes..."

"That's... a good point. But doesn't that just make everyone still as likely a candidate?"

"It's... it's shepherd's purse, Young Master... How many shepherds do you know??"

"It's also mother's heart! And I know plenty of motherly women—who aren't Marian, don't start. It could just as easily be Mary, or—or... Ilene."

Chal seems to forget that Leon can hear him sigh, inviting a deeper scowl. "Well, we're in Neustadt. We can go see Ilene if you want to." Doubling back to see Mary again is such a reach that he doesn't even bother mentioning it.

"I will," Leon stubbornly replies. He glances out the window to gauge the time, and figures there's enough of the late afternoon left to not tread into impolite timing. He straightens his hair and attire before leaving the inn.

The maid at Ilene's estate smiles apologetically. "You're 0 for 2, I'm afraid. Ms. Ilene is still out."

"Do you know when she's expected back?"

The maid cringes a bit. "Her schedule is a little busy as of late, so I don't think it's a good idea to wait here for her. She's expecting dinner guests."

"I see," Leon nods. "Pardon my disturbance, then."

As he turns to leave, the maid calls out to him. "If you really need to speak with her, you might be able to find her at the eastern plaza. She tends to take a break before returning."

He thanks her for the advice and heads that way. It's not as busy as the last time he was here, making it a little less uncomfortable of a spot to mill about. While he waits, he eyes the ice candy stand.

"You didn't get the chance to try it last time, did you? How about it?"

It's tempting, but exactly everything about his other attempts to get one seemed cursed. "The memory is a bit sour," he declines. Things are going poorly enough in his life right now—he doesn't want to invite more misfortune. Besides, there's still too many people.

Chal whines a bit, still curious about how it tastes, but he's interrupted by the voice of who they've been waiting for. "Well, if it isn't Leon. What brings you all the way out here?"

Leon whips around quickly, trying to hide that he'd been staring. But he doesn't have an excuse ready. "...I've felt ill of late. They say the country air is good for you."

Ilene's expression falls into one of concern, eyes appraising. "Oh, then may you have a speedy recovery." He didn't think he really looked ill, but perhaps he does seem out of sorts. "Neustadt might not be the best example of the countryside, though."

"I'm not planning to stay long," he vaguely offers.

"Ah, just passing through for ice candy then?" She giggles, "You shouldn't be eating sweets while you're sick, but... the cold does soothe a sore throat. I won't tell if you won't."

"N-no, I wasn't—"

But she's already off to the stand, and soon she has a confection in each hand. She returns and holds one out to him. "Don't worry about it. My treat."

Face flushed, he has little room to decline, so he takes it. "Thank you."

They take a spot at the railing overlooking the ocean and quietly enjoy the treat together, speaking idly of how both of their work has been going. She seems somber about hers, but he doesn't care enough to pry. Her kind ideals clash with the action she's been willing to take, irritating and making him even less inclined to involve himself. He's not in the mood to argue economics and politics.

Yet somehow, those ideals had dazzled Stahn. He can still remember the fawning, gushing words he was annoyed at even then, even if it had mostly been due to his motion sickness. He takes an aggressive bite of the ice cream as the words come rushing back and he recalls the far-off, starry look on Stahn's face.

"And she's so pretty..."

He glances to the side, eyeing Ilene up and down. She's thoroughly a mature woman in appearance, from her hair and makeup to the well-tailored dress that hugs every curve to an almost obscene degree. He knows certain things are expected of certain people, so he shouldn't fault her for how much effort she puts into presenting herself, but some nasty corner of his mind still wonders if she'd still be pretty without all of it—just how much time she wastes on it, and how much of that time could be spent actually making her dreams a reality.

"Before I realized it, Ilene was suddenly all I could think about..."

He bites down on the wooden stick, nearly grinding it between his teeth.

"I wonder if this is what they call love?!"

'Certainly not,' he thinks, 'you stopped talking about her soon enough. What shallow feelings, for a shallow woman. I—'

"Um... Did I say something wrong?" Ilene's voice cuts through what he realizes was starting to feel like an oppressive veil, encroaching and compressing his chest like a vice.

"What?"

"You've been glaring at me."

He's embarrassed to feel just how tense his brow has been. He unclenches his jaw and looks at the nearly destroyed stick. "Ah... No, I have a lot on my mind is all. Sorry." He takes a breath and reminds himself that he doesn't know Ilene that well.

"No, I'm sorry—here I am going on about my worries when you're sick."

Kindness is still kindness, shallow or not. If Leon could take her at face value, he supposes he could see how a crush could form.

...Stahn may have stopped talking about her, but did he stop thinking about her? Was he still in love with her?

How many times did he visit her? Trips from Lienea to Neustadt weren't uncommon—they even ran into one of Stahn's fellow townsmen the last time they were here. Maybe that's why he's been dragging his feet on setting out to see the world before returning to work together like he said he would. Maybe he hadn't figured out how to write the words to break the news that he'd found a new dream right here.

"Do you have anyone you like, Leon?"

The face that came to mind at the time was the kind, motherly smile of Marian, but as he remembers it now, there was just a bit more than the irritation at being thoughtlessly intruded upon in a moment of weakness even then. Just a bit, it felt like something of his was being taken away. That feeling is only magnified now.

The question echoes again, and there's no longer the image of Marian. Now he's just staring at the memory of Stahn smiling excitedly as he asked, feeling like his heart is dropping out of his chest because there's already someone who makes Stahn's flutter. The first one to ever, even.

'Could it have been me, if I'd realized sooner?'

Ah... so it's true. It is Stahn.

He just barely masks the incoming coughing fit with his cape. He can only hope Ilene doesn't look down to see the deluge of petals litter the ground. The trees have already lost their flowers for the year, so there's no carpet of cherry blossoms for them to hide amid.

Ilene fusses over him, moving to rub his back. "Oh, you should be resting if you're feeling this poorly! Do you have an inn room yet?"

He flinches away from her touch. "I suppose I should," he coughs again, "and I do. I'll take my leave. I apologize, for the outburst."

"Do you need help getting there...?" she offers uneasily, and the kind gesture just turns his stomach worse.

"No, I—" he nearly doubles over as the fit renews itself. Alarmingly, he tastes pepper. "I'll be fine," he forces out, turning away, "thank you."

Leon hurries away back to the inn, coughing with his mouth closed until the door to his room is shut and he can spit the gross mess into the sink. Among the petals are now the heart-shaped pods he'd seen along the stem in the slums.

He slumps back against the wall, unintentionally glancing himself in the mirror. He doesn't look as bad as he feels right now, but he does look... a little rough. He takes a moment to catch his breath before asking, "This means it's progressing, doesn't it?"

"We... should probably hurry, Young Master. Maybe we should leave now, even."

The thought of traversing the mountainous path to Lienea in this state almost has him sweating already. Besides, it might end up being a one-way trip anyway if this gets any worse. He shakes his head. "What's the point?"

"Eh?"

"You remember, back on the boat before? When we left this place the first time."

"I don—Oh...."

Leon huffs. Yeah. 'Oh'. He feels humiliated, even if he hadn't given real thought to whether Stahn would return these apparent feelings before today.

"That doesn't really mean anything, now, though... I mean... Look, I may not have made it very far into life as a human either, but! That was a textbook schoolboy crush if I've ever seen one. It was probably his first time seeing such a pretty lady, it's natural! Don't think too much about it. I'm sure he's forgotten about her by now. Besides, first loves hardly ever work out." There's a pause as Chal winces. "...Sorry."

It still stings.

"Listen! This is based on your own belief, isn't it? It got worse because you let this get to you. Though I.. doubt it'll go away if you stop thinking about it, but... It'll get worse faster. We have to go to Stahn, now."

"And then what, make a fool of myself?" Leon drops his face into one hand, rubbing and trying to soothe the forming headache. "I know he admires me," he remembers their parting words, being called his 'precious friend'. "...and... cares about me," he admits. It's a bittersweet feeling. "But love? The way he spoke of Ilene... if that's what he's like when he fancies someone, it's pretty clear that this is a lost cause." And he'd rather spend his last days at home with Marian in that case—not dying on Stahn's doorstep.

Chal makes a frustrated, indignant noise. "I can't even count the number of times he's lit up because of you. Ughhh... I know evidence won't convince you, so..." Chal sighs, gathers himself. "Consider. That he was never ill."

And that still stings, too. "Neither was I, for the three years I was in love with Marian, and you know why! You're not making a very strong case, Chal."

"Then—Ugh!! He could be in the same position as you were when you first developed this, too! You didn't even know you were in love. He could be at home right now, trying to figure out why he's dying. So go to him."

Leon lets himself slide down the wall with a huff. After Marian's rejection, he didn't want to hold that kind of blind hope ever again. But it's not impossible for the both of them to be experiencing basically the exact same set of events. Even still... "He may be daft, but even he's not that stupid. If he's sick as well, there's no way he'd take it laying down. He'd be out trotting the world trying to figure out who it is. And if he figured it out, he'd be with them or on his way to them. There's still no point in making that trek."

"Would you stop being so stubborn and get up!! For a moment—just a moment—assume he is doing all that, and that you're the one he's looking for now. Where is he going to end up?"

"At the manor, where I keep saying I want to go back to! What's your point?"

"No, he'll end up back in Lienea, because he would have met with Marian, who knows how you work."

Leon squints, trying to follow the logic for a moment before realizing. "...And she'd tell him to go home, because she'd assume I'd be waiting there, because I'd know what she would tell him, et cetera."

"Yes, so get moving already!"

He grunts as he picks himself back up. "This is still all operating on a lot of assumptions."

"Literally what do you have to lose? You don't go: you die. You go, he's not there, he doesn't come back in time: you die. You go, he's there, you confess, he doesn't reciprocate: you die. You go, he's there, you confess, he smooches you real big—"

"What in the world are you imagining!"

"—you live happily ever after. All roads besides success lead to, 'you die'."

Leon heaves a sigh and glances back out the window. They have maybe two hours of sunlight left. It's not a lot, but who knows how much time is left on this erratic clock of a disease?

Even though he's already picking his travel bag back up, Chal continues, emboldened. "If you need more reasons, then remember the excuse for why we're out here in the first place. Marian wanted you to go see everyone, and you'll be failing her one request of you if you go home without seeing Stahn."

"Shut up already, I'm going!" Leon snaps before leaving through the door. He ignores the little "Good!" that Chal slips in following his apparent power trip to have the last word. His steps are heavier than intended as he descends the stairs, and tersely checks back out. He turns away from the main desk to leave, only to run right into Ilene. Despite everything, he blushes as he scrambles back a step and pretends to dust his shirt off to banish the lingering sensation of the collision.

"Oh wow. I wonder how those work for shock absorption," Chal ponders, the opposite of helpful.

"I'm sorry!" she apologizes, "I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

"I should have better awareness," Leon deflects. "But what are you doing here?"

"Oh, well... It might be presumptuous of me, but I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I decided to hurry out of town after all; the dust from construction is getting to me. I'll be fine once I'm somewhere I can breathe."

She doesn't look entirely convinced, but she concedes and steps aside to let him pass.

Before he crosses the threshold, his thoughts from before leaving Ilene earlier come back to mind. He debates on whether it's actually a good idea to ask. It could end up doing more harm just like seeking Ilene out in the first place did. Well, how much worse could it get? He turns back to her. "How many times has Stahn visited here since our success?"

She looks puzzled at the question, her head tilting slightly. "He hasn't, to my knowledge."

He never visited her. He never came to see the woman he seemed so charmed by. Maybe he really had forgotten her easily...? He feels a shot of adrenaline run through him, but he doesn't want to admit to the spark of hope.

Wait. Stahn never came through Neustadt at all? So he hasn't left Fitzgald yet...

Ilene suddenly smiles, like she's made a grand realization. She almost says something, but her face quickly falls until she looks like she's at a funeral. Before Leon can ask what's wrong, she puts on an obvious mask and glances away. "...He lives here in Fitzgald, doesn't he? You should drop by, if you can. I'm sure he'd enjoy your visit."

"...If there's time."

She nods, then looks at him again with what looks like regret. Her eyes catch on his hand. "Oh, you still have the stick from earlier."

So he does. He hadn't realized he'd still been holding it. He looks around for a bin to dispose of it.

"Here," Ilene holds her hand out for it. "You should get going."

He awkwardly hands it to her. "Thank you."

She flips it over and chuckles with an air of irony. "Ah, you almost... chewed through it... but it seems you're a winner." She holds the stick up to show that indeed, on the splintered wood, the word 'WINNER' is spelled out. "You can take it back to the shop owner to exchange for another ice candy."

"That's alr—"

"Oooh, take it with you!!"

Shooting a suspicious look at his hip, Leon takes the stick back and stows it in his pack. "Suppose I'll drop by the stand on my way home, then. Would be a waste otherwise."

"Of course."

"Well then." And with that, he's off.

[And that's where I left off.
How would the rest of this one have gone? It doesn't seem like there's much left, right? I don't know, either. Again, I was winging it for once... Well, it would have been a happy ending anyway, in one way or another.
Leon would probably be exhausted on the doorstep, Stahn would answer the door, ask what Leon's doing all the way out here, and Leon would just cough petals everywhere and hope that's answer enough as his face burned. He thought of a lot of ways to confess on the way there, but instead what he ends up doing is holding up the winner stick and quietly asking if Stahn would like to go get some ice candy.]

Chapter Text

Dymlos and Chaltier both clatter to the ground somewhere as Stahn's back hits the stone floor, armor creaking and making a horrid scraping noise as Leon presses all of his weight down across his shoulders and abdomen. The dagger is held at his temple before he can get his bearings enough to try to wrestle Leon off of him.

He looks into his friend's glaring eyes, rasping his name around the knee crushing his stomach.

"This is my resolve!!" Leon shouts in response, head jerking toward the fallen forms of the rest of their friends. Fueled by every bit of adrenaline his body could possibly produce, he'd torn through them all mercilessly like a demon from Hell. That adrenaline, and all of the anger, sorrow and fear, Stahn can see in his eyes.

Above him, Leon is terrified.

As if by instinct, he reaches up to hold Leon's left arm. The only physical comfort he can offer in his position.

Tears well up in Leon's eyes and eventually fall to Stahn's chest. "It's you or Marian," he whispers through gritted teeth, heaving lungs and a raw throat, "and I will never not choose her." His voice deepens with emphasis, the weight of everything she is to him, and a history that Leon never confided and that Stahn fears he'll never learn.

He doesn't think he could make this choice himself, even if it was as relatively simple as just his friends or his family. It's cruel and unfair, an either-or that he'd never be able to carry on his conscience. Even just trying to imagine it—Lilith crying for help, with the price of her life being the one under his hands—to try to feel what Leon must be feeling, he just can't. It's too big for his own hands to hold, and yet it's something that Leon has been carrying alone since before they even met.

Leon's crying image blurs and clears as Stahn's own tears renew and roll down his face. He squeezes Leon's arm and nods, brow set. "I understand."

And he does. If it was only him, he might actually consider it—but Leon has more than just him, and more than just Rutee and Philia and Woodrow under his hands right now.

The hand holding the dagger trembles. With victory seemingly right in front of him, Leon hesitates.

And Stahn can't let his best friend do this to himself. The bonds they'd made over their time together may not be enough to do more than still his hand, but there's still a sense of empathy that he can try to appeal to.

"But," he wheezes, "she wouldn't want this for you."

"Do you think I don't know that?!" Leon shakes, the blade brushing Stahn's cheek and drawing a bloody line. "I don't care!! Whatever happens to me, whatever happens to the world, I don't care! Even if she can't look at me anymore, as long as she's..." A sob interrupts him, and Stahn's not sure if Leon even knows what he would have said next.

"Will you really do that to her?" If things end the way Hugo apparently wants them, Marian will be living with the bodies of everyone on the planet propping her up. He tries to imagine being in her place, holding the weight of that knowledge, unable to avoid the guilt for actions never asked for, with the closest thing to mercy being the short remainder of life given to witness it. "You're willing to trade the world, but is she? Can she?" he breathes, posing the question as much as he's nervously wondering himself.

Leon's eyes widen and for a moment look through him, like he's remembering something. "Shut up." Guilt audibly laces the threat, and he's clearly trying not to relive something that seems raw and new.

Marian already looked to have passed her limit when they briefly saw and heard her being dragged away through the next cavern.

...There were bandages, weren't there? Fresh bandages around her neck. The last echoes of her damaged voice cried desperately for Leon to stop, with a name they'd never heard before.

She might have tried to make the choice for him. And Leon likely knew it.

Stahn didn't get to speak to her for long, but he knows she's a good person. She has a good heart, just like Leon. And she loves him.

Stahn sobs. "Don't make her go through that."

"I said shut up!!" Leon shrieks, the weight of his sins pressing on his back and helping keep him from budging. "They say you learn who you really are in your darkest hour—well this is the kind of person I am. The kind of person who kills his own sister. The most selfish human to live." He shakes his head, lips curling back in what looks like disgust. "I already know I'm doing the worst thing I could possibly do to her! And I'm—!! I'm doing it anyway...!!"

"It isn't!! This isn't who you are! It can't be!" Stahn vehemently disagrees, glaring up challengingly. "How can anyone be themselves if they aren't free?" Has he ever been? It hurts to consider, and hurts worse to think of how much Leon might have already been forced to do. But he wants to hear it all one day, from his mouth. He wants the chance to help carry it. And though it's difficult to acknowledge that all of the time they spent together had a veil between them—that's all it was; a veil. "I know I've seen you. I know I have." Odd though they may be, he has offered kindnesses; he's struggled to keep a distance that would make this all hurt less. Stahn has seen Leon's heart—no... No, he hasn't. Not Leon's. "But I've never met you, have I? I want to." The name that Marian had shouted... "I want to meet you, Emilio."

That jaw clenches tight enough to hear the grinding of his teeth, and the hand holding the dagger simultaneously nears its destination and trembles. It's not over. It's not over yet. But Stahn doesn't want to break that resolve; only redirect it.

"You don't have to do this." Stahn grips his arm as tight as he can before another shout can be made. "You don't have to do this alone." He hiccups, choking on the feeling of the shirt Leon—Emilio?—has already soaked. "We would have helped you. You know that, right? We'd still help you. You're still my friend, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter who you decide you are. No matter what you've already done, it's not too late—it's never too late. We'll do it together. We can save her. We can do it, if it's all of us. You don't have to lose anything else." His voice trails higher, throat closing around the possibility of not reaching him. He wants so badly to see him free. He wants to meet that person so much. He takes a shuddering breath. "Leon. Emilio. Please."

Chapter Text

"Rutee..." Stahn rasps like a plea for help, "I can't do it. I shouldn't do it. Should I?"

Rutee leans down to try to see what kind of expression he's making under his fringe. "What kind of little detail are you hung up on? That's not like you."

Stahn whines in anguish, hanging his head further as he roughly scratches through his hair like it'll put his thoughts in order. "Is it normal for nobles? He's not really that anymore though, right? Was he ever?"

"Huh, I don't know if he ever counted as nobility. That's something to ask, I guess. But what? Is what normal?" She intercepts his hands, taking them away to spare the poor locks of the abuse. His hands hold on to hers, and she lets him, hoping it'll bring some kind of comfort.

After several false starts, several inhales and self-irritated grumbles, he finally lifts his head to reveal a surprisingly agonized expression. "He's my son's age now, Rutee, I can't do it..."

Rutee has never tried stopping a tidal wave with a twig before, but she thinks this is what it must feel like. First, she tries cutting her breath to stave it off. Her lips contort despite her best efforts to appear composed, and she can't stop the rest of her body trembling. It bubbles up until it feels like a battering ram bouncing off her chest, her throat, her nose, and once the first snort escapes, there's no stopping the rest.

She laughs—no, she cackles—first dropping one of Stahn's hands and crossing it over her stomach as she leans forward, then the other joins as she leans backward to let the loud, throaty boffola into the sky.

"Why are you laughing about this..." Stahn asks miserably and nearly unnoticed, hands still frozen in the air. "This is serious, isn't it?! It was cute when it was Chelsea and Woodrow, but only because we knew he would never—! Imagine if he had?! That wouldn't be funny, so why is this?! This is worse, isn't it?!"

"Stahn—" Rutee mostly says it to acknowledge she heard him, but she spends the next several moments trying to calm herself. With a final deep inhale and exhale from her aching abdomen, she puts her hands firmly on both of Stahn's shoulders. "Idiot. You're both a little wacky in the age department, in case you forgot. You may have been born 37 years ago, but you're missing a not-insignificant chunk of that just like he is. The age difference between the two of you at this point is less than that between you and me."

"That's not—!" He blushes, looking away. "It's different after a certain age, isn't it? I don't feel like you could hurt me like that, but..."

"I get it. I do. And normally I'd be with you on this. I've helped raise more kids than I can count, including yours, and I take their safety seriously." She squeezes his shoulders, bringing his attention back. "But this is you and Leon we're talking about here."

It almost sounds like an insult, the way she says it. "What's that supposed to mean..."

"Leon may still have a childish streak, but he's had one heck of a life that rushed him into absurd amounts of status, responsibility, savvyness, and world-weariness before you ever met—and on top of that, he's done more growing in the past year than anyone could have expected. You, on the other hand... " Her expression lightens yet sharpens to one that is clearly that of an eternal biting older sibling. "Sometimes it felt like I was raising three children instead of one and a half. You're only marginally more mature than Kyle sometimes. If anyone was taking advantage of anyone here, I think it'd still be Leon taking advantage of you."

Already low-spirited, it feels like it's probably the truth. He probably troubled Rutee more than he realized. "Sorry..."

"Oh come on, you're pissing me off. This really isn't like you to worry. He's right here beside you and I told you I was okay with it. I figured you'd be all over him by now, not making up a bunch of drama to be sad about." She thumps his chin upward with her knuckles. "If you're still worried about it, be honest with him."

"He'd probably take it as an insult or laugh at me," Stahn pouts, then slowly smiles a little. "I'd get to hear him laugh then, though."

"Theeere you go. That's more like you." Rutee pats him twice roughly on the shoulder, nearly bringing him down off the bench. A final slap to the back does throw him forward and stumbling to not fall over. "Now go get Kyle another dad, he deserves an extra after growing up without any."

Chapter Text

Leon twists to the side to shake his shoulder from Stahn's overly friendly grasp. "What do you think you're doing?"

Stahn pouts, hand still hovering in the air. "It's lunch time. Don't you want to eat together?"

"We're supposed to be investigating," Leon scolds, and Stahn's eyes follow along his lapels and further as he adjusts his blazer. "And we agreed to cover as much ground as possible, so stop sticking so close to me and go do your job before I regret helping you."

"Come on, don't be like that. It'd look suspicious if we were sneaking around during lunch, wouldn't it?" He moves to grab Leon's cape on reflex, only to grasp at air from both the lack of fabric and Leon turning again.

Leon glares, taking another step back for good measure. "You were trying to grab it again, weren't you?" Stahn chuckles sheepishly and Leon huffs. "Go eat with your new friends or something. Don't give people reason to think we're connected."

"Isn't that more obvious if I'm ignoring you?" Stahn scratches through his hair, frowning. "They're already asking about it. I tried saying you didn't seem to want to talk to me, but they just said it wasn't like me to give up. What else am I supposed to say?" While Leon tries to think of an answer, Stahn makes another grab, this time for his hand, clasping it firmly and pulling him along. "You tell me to take work more seriously, and I am! I thought about it and the best thing right now to keep from blowing our cover is to eat lunch together!"

It's been days of them here observing and carefully asking questions, and while Stahn is taking the job seriously, he's started to feel like he's also wasting an opportunity. The atmosphere and schedule of a school life like this is one he hadn't gotten to experience back home. The last time he'd seen the inside of the old schoolhouse had been around when his voice started its shallow deepening, and the culture about it all had hardly been anything like this. And he already knows from Leon's less-than-humble recounting that he'd only known governesses that saw him finishing all that would be asked of him years early. Neither of them have had what the world considers a normal school life.

Leon tugs against the hold, but casual force isn't enough. The scant few students milling about the halls take notice of them, and he can hear a whisper or two along the lines of 'I knew he wouldn't last long against Stahn'. Although his face is burning, he isn't willing to draw more attention to them, so he lets himself be led outside and under the shade of a tree.

Stahn lets him go and plops down on the ground without a care, unwrapping his packed lunch. "Come on, sit down."

Leon gestures to their white uniform trousers, "I'd rather not clean dirt and grass stains from these." Stahn's are going to be a mess to clean tonight, but he's probably used to it.

"Oh, right, you usually use your cape," Stahn mutters, already shrugging his blazer off and unzipping his hoodie until he's left in only the slightly wrinkled white button-up.

"What are you doing."

"You can use my hoodie for now." It's quickly laid out over the ground beside Stahn. He pats it with an expectant smile. "Come on!"

Leon cringes. "I'm not sitting on your coat like a damsel."

"But it's practical, isn't it? You can't stay standing the whole time." He looks around the two of them, then folds and crosses his legs and pats his thighs. "You could sit in my lap if you want?"

"Absolutely not."

Stahn shrugs. He looks Leon over, then finally notices. "Hey, you didn't bring anything?"

"Of course I didn't. I had planned to check around the music room today. Lunch time has been my only window to look around with how many eyes are usually on me. Why would I bother bringing a lunch I wasn't going to have time to eat?"

"You shouldn't skip meals! Maybe that's why you haven't grown."

"Excuse me—"

"But oh well, we can just share mine."

"...I'm not hun—" Before he can even finish the claim, his stomach sings its best impression of a dying whale. He turns his face away to hide the embarrassment of his body's betrayal.

Stahn reaches out and tugs on his arm again, a bit more urgently, willing him to sit down. "Are you feeling alright? You're going to end up dizzy if you don't eat properly."

"Fine, if you'll stop nagging." He bats Stahn's hand away and carefully kneels on the laid out garment, trying to keep from grinding it against the dirt and grass. His embarrassment blooms anew as Stahn offers him one of two simple sandwiches. He doesn't need to be taken care of, and taking food from him doesn't feel quite right despite the insistence. Still, he takes one, then stalls actually taking a bite. "Is this what you've been bringing each day?"

"Yeah. Why?"

While not abnormal for where they're from, it doesn't exactly fit alongside what the rest of the student body seems to eat for lunch. Those who opt to bring their own instead of buying from the canteen tend to put more effort into balanced, boxed lunches. They're comparatively pretty complex. "Has anyone asked about it?"

"Hmm... Once? One of the girls asked if I needed help. But this is what I always packed back when I was a student. Is there something wrong with it?"

"It's another thing keeping you from blending in."

"We're 'transfer students'—were we ever gonna blend in perfectly?" Stahn chuckles, but he has a point. "It's not like a sandwich is gonna blow our cover. It's just more harmless stuff to talk about. People like learning about each-other! What's it called? Culture change?"

"Cultural exchange."

"Yeah, that."

With nothing left to argue, there's silence between them where Leon realizes Stahn has been staring, sandwich still untouched. "What?"

"You first."

"What?" he repeats.

"I'm starting to feel like I can't trust you to eat, so you first!"

Grumbling wordlessly, Leon takes a bite of the one in his hands. As soon as the bread separates from the other ingredients in his mouth, he fights hard not to cringe. He must have failed.

"Is it really that bad?" Stahn sniffs the other one, taking a cautious bite and finding no fault with it. "Do you not like it?"

"It's fine!" Leon insists, biting back into the sandwich more aggressively than necessary. "I just wasn't expecting the pickles." Or the medley of shaved meats.

"Pickles...?" He doesn't remember putting pickles on them. Oh well. "Let me know what you like, and I'll make something else tomorrow," Stahn offers like it's natural, normal.

The next bite goes down rough, insufficiently chewed. "No need," he almost rasps, "I'm only here with you today because you said suspicions were growing. There's no reason to repeat this tomorrow."

"Sure there is. To make sure you actually eat. You said you've been skipping lunch." He dusts his hands off, somehow already done. "Besides, wouldn't it just draw more attention if we went back to avoiding each-other? They'd think we had a fight."

"And then they'd begin rubber-necking." Leon sighs in defeat. "Letting you rope me into this was a mistake. Just how many days do you plan to continue this?"

"Hmm.." Stahn thinks about it from an outside perspective. If he saw people like them suddenly spending time together, when would he breathe a sigh of relief that they were on decent terms? "Maybe just tomorrow would be good?"

"Fine. There's still no need to repeat today; I can feed myself."

"I'm making it anyway, so let me do it! No need for both of us to use up time preparing it." Stahn pouts. "I wanna make something you'll like. It didn't feel good to see your face twist up."

He knows he wasn't that obvious. Stahn... just has an uncanny, irritating ability to understand what he's thinking in moments like these. He supposes he should be grateful it doesn't extend too deeply, but it's still annoying that for as hard as Leon digs his heels in, Stahn pushes and pulls in ways that always manage to make him budge. He sighs, trying to think of instructions that won't give too much away. "...No meat next time."

Beaming, Stahn nods. "Got it! I'll think of something a bit sweeter."

That's not what he—!! Leon takes a deep, centering breath. "...If that's what you want tomorrow, we'll see how it goes."

They spend the rest of the break period quietly going over their (lack of) findings, with Stahn interrupting with any ideas he has for tomorrow's lunch, only to be told to do whatever he wants despite Leon's piqued interest.

Leon stands outside of Stahn's classroom, arms crossed and debating whether or not to check inside. He'd waited nearly ten minutes, pretending to mill about the shared hallway and enjoy the view of the fields outside.

He could be working right now, but instead he's anticipating waiting to have lunch with...

[And that's where I left off. I didn't have a detailed outline this time, just making it up as I went. But here's what I had.]

[Not sure how to stutter over Leon's classification of Stahn here yet. "his friend", "his acquaintence", "his colleague", etc.
Stahn fell asleep from staying up late to make sure lunch would be good. He's a mess when he actually leaves the classroom, hair unbrushed, shirt all wrinkled and buttons done wrong.
Leon criticizes his lack of care for the dress code, which kicks off Stahn complimenting how proper Leon looks in his uniform. He looks nice in it. Leon doesn't get flustered, but does blush. Says it's only a uniform. Everyone's wearing it. And Stahn should wear his properly.
Should have an after-scene, or at least a little bit at the start of the end notes, about Stahn grabbing Leon's hand instead of his cape to drag him places now. Leon complains, but Stahn just answers "But you told me not to pull your cape. I'm gonna run out of places to grab." Could I fit a waist grab in there somehow?]

Chapter Text

His knees hit the ground before he can even register what he's feeling.

"I could have..."

A hand comes up to cover his quivering mouth. His voice is thick, hardly recognizable, and barely intelligible around the uneven breath that pushes it out.

"I could have saved him. Couldn't I? I could have. ..."

What's in front of him fades away to blurry images of days long past. A hand held out to him. Cheeks as wet as his are. A hopeful smile.

And it's gone. It's all gone. He'll never see it again. He'll never see Stahn again.

It was supposed to be him. He was supposed to be the only one gone. So blissfully removed from everyone's lives.

He gasps around his hand. He tears it from his face, looking down at it. The hands that weighed one dear life for many, and strangled a mountain of lessers along with his own heart.

They're so stained, and he can't get them away.

The hands that helped doom Stahn.

The hands that helped take away Rutee's husband.

The hands that helped take away Kyle's father.

The hands that helped take away his—

If only he had trusted him. Begged for his help in the first place.

If only he had acted sooner. All of the eyes were off of him, why did he insist on...?!

If only he hadn't given up. If only he had taken that hand immediately.

He could have been there.

He doesn't know what he could have done, but he could have at least been there.

He remembers the vague shape of Stahn, lowering his body to the ground after reluctantly putting him out of his misery. Stahn was there to see him off. He could have at least done the same.

So many years. So many years.

So much. So much he could have done. So much he should have done.

'I think sometimes, y'know? Times when I'm holding Kyle, and rocking on a swing, it suddenly hits me. Even if Leon was a ghost or something, I'd still want to ask him to come play and spend time with us. If he actually showed up, I'd probably be so surprised that I couldn't even stand.'

His throat and his head hurt long before he realizes he's been screaming.

There's the sound of shouting and steel being struck before he loses consciousness.

Rutee is the first thing he sees when he wakes up, and all he can do is apologize.

"What's done is done," she bitterly cuts him off. "We've all had plenty of time to think about it. Plenty of time to think about whose fault it is, who's most to blame, 'if only we did this, then that wouldn't have happened.'" She heaves a sigh, heavy as the years that have piled up and gone by. "You're not alone in that regard." A smile tries and fails to lighten the load, only barely twitching her lips upward. "Or others. You weren't then, and you never will be. Try to remember that this time." She swallows thickly, shaking. "Don't scar my son the way you scarred his father."

Chaltier would have said something by now. They must have taken him for now. His hand was heavy before he'd blacked out. He hadn't meant to—it was just... overwhelming. And maybe a touch of causality trying to catch up to him. He turns away and apologizes again, and doesn't know how he'll ever be able to apologize to Chal.

Chapter Text

He isn't given the chance to try to stand on his own, and it's probably for the best. The moment he's out of the water and the full force of gravity weighs down on him and all of the ocean he took with him, he's maneuvered to be clutched tight to someone's chest. He can't see; the world is a blur of color, and it only gets worse as it feels like gravity shifts and his stomach rebels, but there's nothing inside to expel. He can't remember how long it's been since he last ate, and thinking about it makes the nausea worse. Whoever is carrying him tries to keep him from moving, made more difficult with the dry heaving. There's voices, and some might be reprimanding him, some might be soothing, but the closest one is firm, commanding, grounding. Does that mean someone else took over? He can sleep, right? He's so tired.

Something slaps his face, but it's difficult to feel, and it takes so much effort just to try to turn his head away from it. He's pinched, and all he can do is groan in response from the restrictive hold.

There's something loud, so loud that all he can hear after are his ears ringing, and the world goes dark.

It feels like no time has passed at all when his eyes crack back open. His sight is still hazy, and all he can make out are two—three?—figures around him. One crowds his face, seeming to try to wake him up, but all sound is muffled. The other two seem to be shouting to each-other, both of their hands on him and—

His body feels so heavy, but he still tries to jerk away when the feeling finally registers of things jabbing through his skin over and over. Adrenaline shoots his eyes open to see the blurry image of what looks like hands rooting through his insides. It feels like they're shoving ice into him. He tries to shout, and through whatever layer of cotton must be clogging his ears, he can't tell if it's just muffled or weak.

Then there's weight across his shoulders, the one crowding him trying to restrain him. They shout whatever they're trying to convey to him, and it only serves to panic him more and have him trying to thrash away—until the cadence becomes familiar. That was the last voice he'd heard actual words from. That was the voice that held tight through the rapids; that offered everything and never gave up on him; that bled for him while asking nothing in return.

He was supposed to do something. Something... His hand? A handshake. With fading energy, he tries to lift his shivering hand to the one across his shoulders. He's not sure if he makes it, because there's a sharp pull of pain like his skin is being tugged and tied in knots around his skeleton and the world falls away again.

It's dark. It's cold. It's too cold, and yet there's the slimy feel of fresh sweat everywhere as he shifts. So he must be too hot. But it's so cold. His neck feels like ice. Is there ice there? He tries to grab at it, but he's too dizzy to even tell which way is up, and pain shoots through his inner arm.

Something rests on his head, rubbing gently, and a voice soothes near his ear. He can only barely hear words like 'it's alright', and he tries to tell them that no, he feels terrible, but he can't even hear his own words clearly. The person laughs softly, nudges his arm back to how it was, and asks something he can't understand. He responds that he's cold. He thinks he hears sympathy, and feels whatever is against his neck press more firmly, making him even colder. He groans, face screwing up, and tries to turn away from it, but everything is too heavy. All he can manage is to turn his head into it to try and force it away, but all that grants him is a new wave of nausea as his head swims from the motion.

It draws his attention to his stomach, which hurts in so many ways. It's so empty. He feels like he's wasting away. It's raw and sore and burning, and his mind supplies the image of sandpaper scraping away his skin.

He might have called for help, but he can't tell around the pounding that's bloomed in his head. His face is wet. Wetter.

The hand on his head brushes his hair away, another holds his hand, and the voice continues to try to calm and soothe him.

He doesn't know when he falls asleep.

He's being chased by demons. Flaming wings send cinders over him, and a frigid serpent slithers after him faster than he can run. His lungs feel like they're on fire, and if his heart beats any faster, it feels like it might explode.

Where is everyone? His belt is empty, and there's no one else around. They said they'd stand by him, that they'd help him, so why aren't they here?

The serpent darts in front of him, tripping him and sending him tumbling to the ground. It quickly coils around him, constricting and freezing as the bird swoops down to begin its feast. He doesn't have any breath left to scream.

Rutee sighs in relief as she feels Leon's forehead. His fever has finally broken. She all but flings the nearly melted ice packs away, glad he can finally be rid of them. Through the weak babble he'd mindlessly been making, the most consistent complaint was how cold he was. It might have overridden whatever agony his stomach was in from stitching it closed, but that pain had probably bloomed anew when he'd started crying.

Not that she could blame him. Even just his physical condition was more than enough to cry about. The military kept the Draconis stocked up well enough on just about any emergency medical supplies except pain management.

Leon had been suitably out of his mind from it. Mumbling complaints and nonsense, and clutching any hand any of them had offered even when he clearly didn't recognize anyone. She can't remember him ever asking for help before, but he'd called out just about all of their names; oddly enough that of Stahn's sister; one she couldn't recognize; and even for their father. She doesn't have any resources left to devote to thinking how pitiful that is.

She's exhausted, physically and emotionally, even after taking her turn to rest. It didn't feel like she could properly rest until Leon was in the clear, anyway, and now with him breathing evenly, it feels like it's all come back to smother her until she's just as unconscious as he is.

She sinks to her knees by the bedside, resting her head next to Leon's arm that isn't hooked up to an IV.

Chapter Text

(Rutee ver.)

So nearly perfect. She got the rough outline of what children are told to dream of. A loyal partner who loves her for herself, who betters her, and who works hard alongside her to make sure they live well. A child that they'll raise to reach for the future when they're no longer able to.

There's so many holes left in her life that used to blend in with the ones in her socks. With many of them filled in so beautifully, it's hard not to notice the ones that remain.

Would her brother have liked being Kyle's uncle? Would he have liked being Stahn's brother-in-law? Would he have liked being her brother?

If she tilts her head a bit, the empty space looks artistic. Poetically tragic? Close enough? Maybe asking for more would be selfish.

(Stahn ver.)

So nearly perfect. It's everything he remembers being told to seek. A wife who loves him, who betters him, and who makes sure they're both doing their best. A strong, healthy son that he wants the world for. Lilith tells him she's so proud, even if she apologizes to Rutee for how much trouble he must cause her.

But there's something missing.

He's a few years into wondering how long it took for the space left by his parents' absence to heal over when he was young. It didn't take this long, did it? It didn't feel like such an impossible void, did it? His world is so much larger than it was then, and yet...

Would Leon have liked helping raise Kyle? Would he have liked having a home here? Would he and Rutee be getting along? It might be perfectly imperfect, which would still be perfect.

Maybe if he tilts his head a bit...

10 degrees... 20 degrees... 30 degrees... 50 degrees... 90 degrees...

Even if he turns his world upside-down and falls into the blue sky that they all bled for, empty space is still empty space.

He'll wake up to his so nearly perfect life again tomorrow, but he doesn't think it's selfish to wish.

Chapter Text

I miss you.

I missed you yesterday, I missed you today, I'll miss you tomorrow.

I missed you the moment I let go of your hand, I missed you the moment you slipped away, and I'll probably keep missing you years from now.

You're not here anymore. I knew that. I know that. I know that so, so well.

I didn't know that a space could feel so empty. I've been surrounded by empty spaces all my life. I've felt full spaces become empty before. I guess other people managed to move and fill them a little bit, though. But there's still a you-shaped space. Sometimes someone stands in front of it, but nobody can fill it.

But it didn't feel like it'd be forever. Because you're not supposed to end there. Not you. You're you, and you're strong and stubborn enough to make it through anything. You're not someone who loses. You'd have to be back, somehow. Someday. I can still feel your hand, I can still picture your face, I can still hear your voice telling me to get moving. So you can't be gone.

So you're just not here anymore. That's what it felt like, even though I knew better. You're not gone, you're just... not here anymore. Somehow, at the time, it felt like I could keep framing it that way, and it wouldn't hurt so much.

It took 97 days for it to really hit me that you'll never be here again. You're not coming back.

I'll never see you again.

That's not fair. It's not fair. None of it was fair.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

It'll fade eventually, a little bit. The edges will get fuzzy, and that empty space will blend just a bit, like the sky does when the sun rises or sets. Always there, but bearable, and then eventually... normal, I guess, even if I hate the idea of 'normal' not including you breathing somewhere under this sky.

You're not here anymore, and you're never coming back. That's the future I have to live with.

But you're not gone, if I can remember you. And I hope I do, until the very end.

Chapter Text

If Waltz had happened before Libra IV and things went as usual, but there was still that formal event after the world was saved.

There'd be nobody to cut in when Stahn and Rutee fail at ballroom dancing. Stahn is actually getting frustrated. It was so easy before, so why is it going so wrong now? Rutee tries to laugh it off, even if she feels a little awkward for not knowing how to do something like this. She recognizes that Stahn seems to have some idea of what he's doing, and asks where he learned—she expected a dance that's a little more... folksy from him.

"Leon taught me—" and he stops. Oh, right. It's because he was dancing with Leon before. He remembers he'd asked to try dancing without a set routine once, and how amazing it felt when it still went fairly well regardless of who was leading. Now, with Rutee, there's no routine that they both know, and yet...

Even if he's been fighting alongside Rutee for much longer now, they don't have the same synergy or rhythm. It's not either of their faults; they just work differently.

But it still stings for both of them. For Rutee, who brought it up, and who now feels inadequate next to a ghost. For Stahn, who is now freshly missing Leon again, and who wants to work that well with Rutee.

They quietly part and leave the dance floor.

Maybe Marian would have been invited, as someone who had been involved in the whole mess.

Remembering that a conversation with Marian had been what started those lessons, Stahn would approach her and maybe ask to dance. Since they had the same teacher, even though he taught them both so very differently, they only stumble a little bit. They don't talk much as they dance; it feels a little more like a bittersweet mourning ritual than anything else. It brings a little bit of a sense of closure.

After, Marian goes to Rutee, and offers to teach her. Even though it's just a simple waltz, and even though she's the older sibling, it's something that's being passed down from Leon. It also brings a sense of closure.

And finally, Rutee asks to try again with Stahn, with the simple routine Marian taught her and that Stahn still remembers well. It's clumsy, but they manage. It doesn't feel hopeless, at least. With the same foundation to work from, it's a little easier to improvise, too. It's not how Stahn danced with Leon, and it's never going to feel the same. But maybe one day it can feel easy, too.

It lets the night end on a decent note, and leaves them feeling a little better about working together.

Chapter Text

Stahn noticing how different Leon is with Chal, or getting the chance to see him act differently with Marian. Being a little hurt by it, depending on where in the story it is.

If Leon catches him seeing it, Stahn just says he hopes Leon can be at ease around him and everyone else one day, too. Also depending on where in the story it is (likely a survival route), it'd be something Leon's kind of struggling with. He wants that. He wants to be himself. He calls it out as Stahn tries to give him his space, apologizing. It's just.. difficult, to change gears. (And the others don't make it easy. Teasing him when he's a bit more genuine, even if they don't mean it poorly.)

I don't know where to go with that, but I had the image in my mind of them just quietly sitting side-by-side after that. Maybe waiting for Leon to say more, or just spending the time together silently.

It's self-indulgent, but the image becomes Leon trying to talk, but just not having the words, but feeling like he has to—if he owes nothing else, he at least owes the honesty that Stahn would like. But right now, all that honesty is is building frustration with how far his lack of communication has helped take everything. Stahn hugs him, giving him a place to hide while he cries. It's a step along the way.

(Spur of the moment non-remake thing I inflicted on someone)
Imagine they both get caught in the flood and separated from everyone else, but hanging on to each-other. Making it back to land, trying to hurry to Darilsheid to try and meet up with everyone since that's probably where they'd be going. Leon's not doing so good. He's spent the last few weeks stressed to hell and back, not having time to rest (as if any rest would be possible like this anyway), not really eating, not given enough time to fully heal from any injuries. Silently trying to power through because they have to, but he's at his limit. Cold, wet, compromised, exhausted in every single way. The choice is made for him—he hits the ground. Obviously Stahn isn't leaving him behind after everything. Hunkering down for the night, doing what he can to keep Leon from shivering. Carrying him on his back in the morning until he wakes up, arguing over whether Leon's alright to walk now. Insisting he rests more while Stahn still has the energy for it, because pretending to be invincible isn't going to help anyone. Leon frustratedly concedes, but says that goes for Stahn too. They're relieved by a search party soon enough, and brought back to Darilsheid to wait for the rest of the group to get back (having left to meet with Ritora, confident that the search would be successful). Resting at the inn rather than the manor because that house is unbearable while knowing Marian isn't safe. Back up to decent health by the time they're picked up. Leon being more willing to depend on Stahn for support after that extended ordeal.

Chapter Text

Stahn makes for a nice pillow since he's such a heavy sleeper, and he loves falling asleep with Leon so undeniably there (and willingly resting on him). But since he also has a fixation on Leon's heartbeat, he likes being the one being held a lot, too, so he can fall asleep listening to it (being let to listen to it).

2020 Talesfes Stahn putting the little braid in Leon's hair for Talesfes 2024. There's very few people he'd probably let touch his hair, and I don't see him doing it himself. I guess Marian could do it, but screw it, she's not in a school uniform.
Ties in well with why he's wearing the jacket hood, when he won't even wear his cape hood when it's raining. He doesn't want to show it off and get a bunch of questions about his cute little braid, but he also doesn't want to take it out...
Surely Stahn would know how to braid hair. He's a big brother. He'd probably be real gentle about it, probably making Leon shiver.

Stahn waking from a bad dream. Leon is there beside him, woken from the sleep talking. Since he's awake, Stahn hugs him. He was in a field of sunflowers taller than himself. He was supposed to be with Leon, but he lost track of him somehow. He searched through the flowers, calling out and eventually running.
"The world is so much bigger than it used to seem, and I don't want to lose you in it."
... It's a legit fear, given Leon's track record. But he's also always found his way back or been found eventually, he reminds Stahn.
It's another rough thing to accept balance for, like their protective streaks.

(Little asides in DMs as I complained about deciding on arms for this picture from the Tales of Rebirth Isekai Road Trip which had a bit of an Arc at this point:)

it's also giving me plenty of time to imagine how happy leon kissing him would make stahn ;w; he's doing the thing, he's feeling enough to want something, he's expressing what he wants ("and it's me!! :O"), and he's comfortable enough to even do it without asking.

ready to spend the week staring at all these fucking arms
soothed by daydreams of each of them in use, just slowly and softly caressing leon's hair and face as he leans over him ;w;

This quiet moment in such a secluded village, the only ones even at this cozy little inn. Leaning into the hand running its thumb across his face. Any words they exchanged had trailed off earlier, now just left to the slow but deep breaths, soft candlelight illuminating their hazy, smitten faces.

( 〃ω〃) sigh........ Lingering. Just marveling, like, 'you're here.' 
Soft and dreamy. So comfortable, so relaxed, so safe. But Stahn doesn't want to fall asleep, because it's such a nice moment that he's scared he is dreaming.
Unintentionally tying Leon even tighter to him. Marriage was just a silly thought Leon couldn't get rid of after seeing them both in suits, but... This. He wants to be looked at like this and feel this loved every day.