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“welcome to your fourth game. this game will be played in teams of two. find someone you wish to play the game with. when two people agree to play as a team and shake hands, you become partners.”
mew looked around the room, everyone else doing the same as they all scanned around for a potential partner. this one decision could decide their fate and after the horrors they had somehow managed to survive through, there was a silent agreement that this was a choice that shouldn’t be taken lightly. who knew what they would be asked to do.
“let me repeat. this game will be played in teams of two. find someone you wish to play the game with. when two people agree to play as a team and shake hands, you become partners. please form teams of two within ten minutes.”
as soon as the voice over the intercom came to an end, people immediately began to move, hurrying to create their pairs. arguments had already begun and mew moved away from the noise, fingers fiddling with the zipper of his tracksuit as he mulled over the best options. he needed to be smart about this. that shouldn’t be too difficult. after all, he had always been smart. at least, that was what he had thought until…
“mew.”
he stopped dead in his tracks, breath caught in his throat as the familiar and soft voice sent a shiver down his spine.
it was funny, the way the universe seemed to taunt him. he had never been the religious type but after everything he had gone through, surely, there had to be a bored god up there messing with his fate for their own sick pleasure.
how could the voice that now sent chills throughout his body and rage swelling within his chest be the same one he had constantly longed for in the moments of silence. how could this be the same voice he would spend hours on the phone with, wanting to be together even when they were apart. how could this be the voice that had uttered such beautiful declarations of love. how could that same sound, his once favorite sound, be something so wretched to him now.
once, he would have turned around with stars in his eyes, face lighting up with an expression only love could have formed. now, he was rage lined with shards of ice, a necessary protection despite the dangers he was capable of.
“what.”
his voice was cold, borderline cruel. it left no space to wonder if there was anything lingering between then. there wasn’t. there shouldn’t be.
top stood before him, the once confident and proud so-called top-tier looking like a pathetic little puppy that had been kicked down, hardly even a shell of what he had once presented himself as. an act for sympathy, mew thought.
“let me be your partner…”
it didn’t matter that top had uttered the words in the most hesitant and softest of tones. the hurt was back and it only knew how to allow itself to be shown as rage.
mew scoffed, an almost amused smile on his face as he practically laughed at the other’s audacity. “me? be partners with you? why? so you can just sneak behind my back again? what’re you gonna do this time, top? who here have you already fucked, huh?”
top seemed to flinch, the words nothing less than daggers to his heart. it pierced through him and continued to rip its way down as he stood there, accepting the pain. he deserved it. he deserved to suffer. he would welcome it all if it meant it would ease the weight on mew.
“i didn’t- i just,” god, he couldn’t even string together a single sentence, fears of getting it wrong suffocating him with every word he struggled to get out. “i want to help you win. these games require either strength or smarts… if you and i team up, i’m sure we can survive through the next round no matter what the task.”
mew was quiet, the glare having faltered as he looked off to the side, exhaling a breath of annoyance to clear up some room for logical thinking.
“please.” top wanted to reach out, to take mew’s hand, to touch what had once been his. but he couldn’t. so he didn’t. “just think of it as a survival tactic. just think that you’re using me.”
the doors opened and the red suited masked men made their way into the room, guiding the formed pairs to the destination of the next round.
“fine.” mew extended his hand, locking eyes with top and hating what he saw. “only for this round.”
top nodded and took mew’s hand, giving it a small shake to seal the deal of their partnership. both tried to ignore the lingering warmth that remained once they pulled away.
as everyone entered into the new room, taking in the strange surroundings, the voice over the intercom spoke again.
“all players, follow the staff’s instructions to your positions.”
the setup was almost cruel, the familiar and comforting view of a typical neighborhood making them feel as though they were outside, as if they were free. it only took a glance up, a little tilt of their chin, to see the walls that still confined them, fake skies painted around them as if to lure them into a false sense of safety. they were not home. perhaps, they would never go home.
top and mew followed their designated masked man, coming to a stop in front of one of the homes. what kind of game would take place in a setting like this?
“please take one pouch each. there are ten marbles in each pouch. please check how many there are.”
as everyone received a pouch of their own, mew couldn’t help but exhale a soft sigh of relief, pouring the marbles out onto his hand as the familiarity of it eased his mind. he had played many marble games with his moms growing up and if this was how the round would be going, he felt confident enough to know he, at least, wouldn’t be coming in last.
“in this game, using your ten marbles, you will compete with your partner.”
he froze.
“the player who takes all ten marbles from your partner wins.”
he had to have misheard. they were supposed to be a team, weren’t they? they were supposed to go into this round together and they were supposed to leave this round together, right? right?
a quick look at top’s face only confirmed his fears.
they would be competing against each other. their fate would end here.
“you have 30 minutes. let the games begin.”
some had already begun to play while others were either mourning or in denial of the loss ahead of them. no matter the chaos, mew couldn’t seem to hear any of it, the sounds of his shaky breath the only thing echoing in his ears.
even when he exhaled, he couldn’t seem to really breathe. no truth had ever been harder to grasp. thinking back to that night, the one when everything fell apart, still felt more manageable in this very moment. the recording, the anger, the humiliation, the heartbreak, the betrayal. the pain of it seemed much more tolerable now. in fact, mew considered having to relive that moment instead of being here. being with top. being forced to endure an inescapable death.
his chest hurt.
sure, he was angry. for a while, he had wanted nothing more than for top to just disappear from his sight. but that didn’t mean he wished for him to die. even his heart, the one he had so desperately been running from, had already begun their annoying reminders, whispering the words his mind refused to acknowledge. he never wanted to hate top. he never wanted any of this.
he must have been quiet for too long because top reached out, lightly tapping at his arm, the touch gone as quickly as it had started. top still wasn’t sure if he was allowed to do so.
“mew… how about we just bet everything with one game? instead of spending the next thirty minutes running around in a panic like everyone else, we can just end it in a single go. quick and fair.”
top took a seat on one of the mock staircases, looking up at mew who seemed to be thinking it over. the concrete was cold. he wanted to hold mew close.
“fine. what game?”
there was a soft smile on top’s face at the other’s response, an attempt to be friendly and to try to block out the horrors of the situation they were in. it seemed impossible but one could only try.
“we have plenty of time… i’ll think of one later. for now, can we just talk? please… you won’t have to hear me talk ever again, i promise.”
he had simply thrown out the last part, meant to be an attempt to convince mew to allow him this once chance for conversation, but the air grew heavy and he realized the implications of his words a bit too late. at the end of these thirty minutes, mew really wouldn’t have to hear his voice again. no matter the outcome, their end was set in stone.
ready to open his mouth, to try and ease the tension or even just beg again, top was silenced as mew moved to take a seat on a step below him, refusing to meet his eyes but allowing himself to willingly step into top’s space for the first time in what felt like years.
“alright…”
they were quiet.
then again, it was difficult to have any kind of conversation with everything going on around them. the sounds of screaming, gunshots, anger, the crumbling of humanity. it all felt so much. if only he hadn’t messed up, top thought, would they have been able to continue a life of happiness? or maybe tragedy was inevitable for him. it seemed to suit him.
“i’m sorry…”
the first words he had managed to say after almost ten minutes and he was already sounding like a broken record, knowing his apology was probably the last thing mew wanted to hear. but if either of them had to die, top wanted to walk towards that future knowing he was able to properly lay his heart bare to the one love he had managed to find.
“i know you don’t believe me … and that’s your choice and right. i know you must hate me. that’s also your right. i could say i never meant to hurt you but … i did and as much as i want to be able to take that back, i can’t.”
mew was quiet, back still turned to top as he continued. it felt like he was rambling, really. his heart was just spewing out whatever it could at this point.
“you were the greatest thing i’ve had in my life and i should have treasured you better. i should have been honest. i should have told you sooner. i should have been better. you were making me better …”
top sucked in a soft breath, slowly rising to his feet and moving to stand before mew, crouching before him and reaching out to take his hands. to his surprise, he didn’t pull away. mew wasn’t looking at him, he wasn’t saying anything, but he was staying still. it was more than top could ever ask for.
“you did nothing wrong. you .. you could never do anything wrong. i need you to know … you can still hate me. you can never forgive me again and that’ll be okay. but i don’t want this to define the rest of your life. i don’t want my mistake to become your weight. you…” he paused, needing to collect himself as his voice started to shake. this would be his last chance, wouldn’t it? “you were the most beautiful part of my life.”
mew tensed.
“when you looked at me, i was truly seen. when you said my name, you breathed me into existence. you touched me and, god, i felt alive for the first time. i had been wandering for so long before you and when i found you, i realized i had also found myself.”
there was another gunshot and mew flinched.
“mew… you were my place of rest. you were the start of my change. you made me so incredibly nervous but still at peace. i - i need you to know that you were never the fool between us. it was me. it was always and only me.”
“stop…” the word was so soft, so broken down and exhausted, top barely heard it.
“my love for you was always real. i admit i approached you out of pure curiosity but even that, even in our beginnings, every single feeling was real for me. i never laughed at you. i was fascinated with you. i couldn’t look away. your confidence, your insecurities, your hesitation, your smile, i wanted to embrace them all. i just-” he was losing his ability to speak again, frustration caught in his throat.
“i need you to forgive yourself. you did nothing wrong. you can blame me forever. you can hate me forever. but please don’t ruin yourself because of me. please. i won’t ask for anything more.”
“top…”
“you have five minutes until the game is over. you have five minutes.”
mew couldn’t speak. he could hardly breathe. he was afraid that if he uttered anything more, he would fall apart right there. he had been holding onto his anger for so long, holding onto his hurt, but as he blindly reached around for it, he found nothing to grab onto and he felt more lost than ever before.
top stood up, hand reaching out for mew and pulling him up.
“we should hurry and play our game now. how about a race? we’ll roll our marbles at the same time and whoever reaches the wall first or gets the closest will win all the marbles. pure luck, right?” top turned to the masked man, confirming their game and setting the rules in stone. “one round. closest to the wall wins.”
mew followed top, his body moving on its own as they stood a few feet from the brick wall. there was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to figure out. but he couldn’t. there was no time. and besides, what would it change?
“ready? on the count of three. one, two, three.”
mew lightly tossed the marble in his hand, letting it roll away from him as the sight had his heart sinking into his stomach.
“ah, you won.”
his whole body was shaking, trembling from emotions he couldn’t even begin to describe. whirling around to look at top, he practically trampled over the marble top had simply let fall from his hands down to his feet as he grabbed him by the collar.
“congrats,” top smiled.
“shut the fuck up.”
“you rolled well, mew.”
“shut the fuck up! roll again. stop playing around and roll the fucking marble again!”
he had never been angrier. not when ray had shown him the recording. not when boston showed no remorse. not when he confronted top. his voice shook, chest rising and falling as if he had been running for miles. he was fuming. no. no, this wasn’t anger.
this was anguish.
“why are you crying?” there was a soft smile on top’s face, a hand rising to finally cup mew’s cheek, an act he had been longing to do since the day he lost him. tears were streaming down the other’s face, mew completely unaware until top’s thumb lightly swiped one away, another one quick to roll down his cheek. “you’ll make me misunderstand, mew.”
“why did you do that. why the hell .. why would you do that.”
top was quiet. the timer projected behind them continued to count down.
“this was the only thing i could think to give you.”
announcements of eliminated numbers were spoken over the intercom, a gunshot following each one. the masked man came to direct mew towards the exit, only able to get him to move once top gave mew a small nod of encouragement, the smile still on his face.
mew didn’t know what to think. he didn’t know what to feel. he wanted to figure something out, figure anything out. a response to all of top’s words. a way for the both of them to survive this game. a bit of clarity towards his heart for top. he had no time. it was too late for them.
“mew.”
he stopped. there was less than a minute left. he turned around.
top was crying.
“did you still love me…?”
“...i do still love you.”
the sound of a gunshot goes off.