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"Lewis, you've been dodging any and all personal questions for a week, and you've been handing me things. I don't like either. Tell me what's wrong or i'm siccing Dummy on you." groused a pre-caffeine Tony Stark to his normally on the ball assistant. He liked Darcy, she was sharp, funny, refused to put up with his bullshit, and knew her way around a fire extinguisher; this made her the ideal assistant after he and Pepper got engaged.
"I'm handing you things because your desk is covered in paperwork and what i'm pretty sure is a small civilization in a pizza box. It's also part of my job. Also, my personal life is kinda personal. Did JARVIS force you to read those dinner plans? I have to get you out of the office by 5 on thursday, Pepper has a bunch of stuff to review for the party. I'll have him tase you if you don't cooperate." dodged a slightly antsy Darcy. She was hoping to put off telling Tony the news but it wouldn't really be able to go on for more than another month. He made the worst puns.
"Did you and Sergeant Sexy break up? Because I can rewire his arm to explode! I mean I can give him a stern, slightly paternal talking to. I can't have my paperwork brain all heartbroken and gooey." spluttered Stark through a mouthful of scalding espresso. It littered the paperwork on his desk with brown splotches but for now what he cared about was Darcy's wellbeing. She'd be no fun if Barnes and all of his "I've got baggage" crap got to her enough to end things. Maybe Cap would know. Cap knew everything, he practically won awards for being a nice guy. People talk to nice guys.
"JARVIS!" Tony yelled to nobody in particular.
"Yes sir. How can I be of assistance?" inquired the voice from nowhere. Next to Pepper, JARVIS was the most indispensable source of help Darcy had in navigating the minefield of running Tony's press appearances and fielding questions on his behalf.
"Can you get the star spangled smurf up here for a second? I need to interrogate him."
"I will at once sir, he's currently attempting to turn on the oven and Sergeant Barnes is putting out a fire in the sink."
"Oh good, Tin Man can come too." Tony would get answers even if he had to ask around all day. He didn't like his near and dear keeping secrets.
"Tony, really. This isn't necessary. I just wanted to..." Anything Darcy had to say at that point was interrupted by her boyfriend and Captain America. Tony would have to find out now. Steve knew and he hated lying. James would just have to settle on discretion no longer being a part of the plan. The Avengers were all very supportive of the others love lives but that didn't mean privacy wasn't important.
"You rang?" asked Steve, trudging in wearing a pair of fetching, checkered oven mitts. James had soot marks along his metal arm and smelled like burnt cookies. They'd been attempting to replicate a cookie recipe. Cooking wasn't something either of them had time to learn before the war and at Pepper's suggestion they had picked it up. They immediately decided on junk food as their first test.
"Yes, I rang. Lewis is hiding something. Cap, you two tell each other everything. Barnes, you're sleeping with her. Will one of you please tell me what the hell is going on?" Tony was more than a little grouchy now. He was supposed to be the mysterious one!
"We were in the middle of something." grouched James, trying to scrub off the stains on his jeans. He stopped when he noticed Darcy's expression. "Darce? You okay?"
"That's what Stark wants to know." Darcy immediately found a paper clip to fiddle with. Steve looked from Darcy to his friend and stepped back to allow them to hold hands. It wasn't his secret to share.
"You aren't engaged are you? Barnes, I will do horrible, science related things to you if you're planning on making an honest woman of her so young."
Darcy and James froze. Tony was perceptive but only when he wanted to be but not always precise.
"No, we aren't engaged but we do have news." quavered Darcy. She scuffed her shoes along the floor and refused to make eye contact with her irritatingly nosy boss.
"And?" Impatience was a hallmark trait of the Stark men, Tony more than most.
"Quack." It was the strangest thing to ever come out of the mouth of anyone like Sergeant Barnes in the history of the universe. It did exactly what he wanted, it kept Steve from trying to leave the room, it shut Stark up, and he felt Darcy relax beside him.
"You're part duck? The Russians gave you duck DNA?" laughed the genius. He was more than willing to believe that, if only to annoy the man before him.
"Obviously, I'm currently in a happy relationship with a man/duck hybrid cyborg assassin. No, dammit Tony! I'm pregnant!" blurted a red faced Darcy. And then the penny dropped for Tony Stark.
"Quack...Darcy, Bucky...Ducky. Oh my god! Darcy is going to have ducklings! How far along are you? Are you meeting with the right doctors? Do you want Pepper to give you names? We know the best in the country in pretty much every field! Who else knows?" Tony's face lit up like a fireworks factory after a spilled candle. He would get to keep his Darcy! For a few more months anyway. It was the best joke in the world! Ducklings!
"Yeah, this is why I didn't want to tell you earlier. We figured you'd immediately go into duck mode. I only found out a few weeks ago. I haven't scheduled any appointments yet because that would require time I don't have right now. Running your life for you is a full time job Stark. Clint and Natasha knew pretty much the second I did, they can probably smell it. We told Steve because if we keep it, we want him to design the nursery and be the kid's godfather. Jane and Thor know because Jane would have godmother duty. Coulson said he knew it would happen eventually and congratulated us. Pepper didn't even have to look at me. She just told me to break it to you gently." Darcy was visibly relaxed now and even the still soot covered James was smiling.
"If?" asked Tony, all seriousness. He hoped things were going smoothly but he hadn't looked at Darcy's health records to see if there were any abnormalities.
"Yes if. We don't have the time or the space to raise a kid right now, and at least one of us is still pretty young." quipped Darcy. James' smile grew wider when his girlfriend elbowed him in the ribs, he'd adjusted wonderfully and Steve said that even before the war he'd had a pretty modern mindset.
"One day at a time. First, i'll have JARVIS take over your job effective at the end of the week. Then, you can go talk to a doctor. You are so naming this kid after me if you want to keep it. If you don't, when you both do decide on populating the world with ducklings, you're naming one after me." With that, Tony made himself another espresso, and indicated a teetering pile of manila folders at the edge of the alpine slopes of his desk. "Now that i'm fully informed, back to work. Cap, Barnes. Go back to making yourselves useful. I want cookies!"