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"Unworthy. You're unworthy, that's what you are, you ungrateful child! I gave you everything, I ignored your stupid pranks and jokes and the amount of time that you spent hanging out with that Vacker child in favour of pushing you to work harder! And you mean to tell me you only get second place!" Cassius spits out, rage painting his face crimson. Keefe stood there, silent, taking the blow. He didn't even flinch this time.
"Answer me!"
"I'll try harder," he said. It was a practiced answer, from years of taking the verbal abuse of being second place. He always said that, and he swears that he did try, he did try harder, but it's hard to break your own limits. He had found that out after many sleepless nights, and mutterings and you can't fall asleep, you need to get first, open your eyes! and Fitz still managed to get first place. Keefe ignored the sinking and bitter feeling in his chest as he congratulated his best friend. It obviously wasn't good enough for Cassius — nothing was ever good enough for him.
"You better! Go to your room. I don't want to look at your face."
Keefe left, ignoring the angry mutterings and the aggressive second places? how can he shame me like that? He was used to it, used to the sting. Cassius had a way with words. He would give his father this, if nothing else. He knew exactly where to hit. He could do it with his eyes closed. He didn't even have to try and insult him. He hit true every time.
It still burned, just a little. The bitter words that spilled from his father's tongue, and the ease of which he said it, as if it was an art of which he had perfected. He supposed it was — how could Cassius hurt Keefe today?
He dropped onto the bed. It felt like rocks. Keefe tried to close his eyes, get some sleep. It would look weird if he came to school anything less than his bubbly self. His father's voice still rang in his head, his words a mantra. Keefe fell into a restless sleep.
The family crest pinning his cloak felt heavy on his chest. It burned, and Keefe clawed at it, afraid it was going to leave a mark and brand him part of the Sencen family. He wanted to rip it out, throw it away. This was what led his mother to them. He ought to throw it away, actually. It's only fitting. But something stopped him. Maybe it was the memory of the pride in his parent's eyes as they pinned the crest to his cloak. The warm feeling inside as he realised that he could be something to them. That he could be loved. That he wasn't a failure, and that they wanted him.
He felt incredibly stupid because of course he should've known it was a hoax. There was no way that there wasn't a motive. In the Sencen family, everything done had a reason behind it. It was never just pure love, or pure emotion (a fact that he found quite ironic considering the family had not one, but two Empaths) but a motive, a means to reach the end.
Sophie rubbed his back reassuringly, whispering it's not your fault. His traitorous chest fluttered, and for a second, he felt light. But reality came crashing back down on him again, because of course it was his fault. He should've known, somehow. He could've read his mother's emotions. He's a goddamn Empath! He should've known that wasn't pride in their eyes!
He sat as they discussed running away, hiding out. The Black Swan would help them. He nodded his head and pretended to listen, because he knew that his opinion didn't matter. It felt weird going, because his mom was the leader of the antithesis of the Black Swan. He shouldn't be there. He was an imposter.
But, he said nothing, and so they ran away to the hideout. He smiled and joked and prayed that he was being believable, and he guess he was because nobody asked questions like are you okay? with a smile full of pity. And, sure, he did wish that someone (preferably Sophie) had realised that he was not, in fact, okay. And sure, he wished that someone hugged him, told him that they were going to catch his mom, they would, and everything would be okay. And maybe he did wish that he wasn't such a good actor, but not really, because he didn't want to be any more of a burden than he already was.
Keefe wasn't dumb — he knew he liked Sophie. And he also knew that Sophie liked Fitz. And he also knew that Fitz liked Sophie. And Dex liked Sophie. And so he held back, bit his tongue and watched as Sophie and Fitz grew closer because of the Cognate thing. He was sure that he had made a joke or two about them staring lovingly into each other's eyes (if he didn't, what a wasted opportunity), and maybe it stung just a little bit when they turned red and denied it like two people who liked each other did. And maybe it did hurt when Sophie blushed at the mention of Fitz. But he was happy for them because they were his best friends, and he would only want the best for them.
He had a plan — a really, really, really stupid plan. And so maybe he made less jokes about Fitzphie, and maybe he accepted that he wasn't going to get the girl because he wasn't the main love interest in this story. And maybe that's why he took a step back. Took second place and smiled and bore it. Because he wasn't going to be there in a matter of days, and so there was no point in trying for first. So yes, he took second place and smiled for a non-existent audience, because no one remembers second place.
The look of betrayal on Sophie's face destroyed him, but he suffered. He knew that she had Fitz, and Dex and Biana and now Tam and Linh. She didn't need him, and maybe it was only a matter of time before she realised that. So he had helped her, really. He leaped her out of there, and smiled, and pretended as if he wasn't breaking inside.
o0o
He sat on one of the many rows, waiting for the Vacker family. His conversation with Alden still playing in his mind. He knew, of course, that he wasn't part of the story. It was Fitz and Sophie, and he was just the best friend. The funny friend. He sat, and waited for Fitz to come, and prayed that he didn't act out, because he knew that he would take it out on Sophie, and that was the one thing that he didn't want to do.
Sure enough, he did explode, and Keefe was there to calm him down. He ignored the way his stomach twisted in anger when he saw Sophie's face. He ignored the sting of Fitz's words. He was angry and he was grieving, and so his anger was righteous. He had every right to be angry, but just not at Sophie. Fitz had gone through a lot, so much more than Keefe had.
Fitz and Sophie had gotten hurt. And Keefe wanted to be there, right next to them, but Elwin had told him that no visitors were allowed. So he waited, and felt useless, and angry, and sad, and guilty, because he wasn't there. It was probably his mom that had done it, but he wasn't there, and he was the one person that she wanted. He remembered his father's words of being unworthy and ungrateful and useless, and realised he was right, because he was useless.
Sophie woke up, and he entertained her. He ignored the butterflies and reminded himself that that was Fitz's crush. He reminded himself that he wasn't part of the story so he shouldn't try to be.
Fitz woke up.
They were dating. He smiled and made more Fitzphie jokes. Smiled and accepted that second place award, because there was no way that he was getting first, not now. He waved at that invisible audience because no one ever paid attention to second place.
Although he was jealous of Fitz (what was there not to be jealous of though? Perfect family, perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect smile, perfect girl) he was still his best friend. He knew how his brain worked, knew him. And so, when Sophie came to him with tears in her eyes and telling him that she was unmatchable, he gave her advice. It was good — nobody that mattered would care. But Fitz cared. And Fitz mattered. And so maybe Keefe said that on purpose. But his best friend was spoiled, living in a fantasy world, which he somehow managed to maintain even through all the bad things that had happened to them.
He wasn't allowed to leave, and so he did what Sophie wanted without complaint. And sure, he pretended to put up a fight (he had to keep up appearances), but in the end, second place doesn't get a choice. Second places grins and bears it.
He created a list of everyone that could be her biological parent. He accepted it and smiled and everything was okay.
Until it wasn't. Until Fitz started throwing away the girl of his dreams because he was a spoiled, spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted. And suddenly, Keefe didn't want to be second place. He wanted to be first, because he knew that if he was first, then he could treat Sophie like she deserved.
And then his mom got in the way.
Pain.
It engulfed him, teared through him. His mind closed down, he blacked out, and all he could think of was Sophie.
He woke up and was still second place.
He smiled.
Nobody looked.
Because no one pays attention to second place.